💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0876.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:44:42.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #876
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Memo To Phairgirl"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by AIDS
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 10/16/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
To: Phairgirl @ HOE H.Q.
From: AIDS
Subject: Status report: Gweeds conceptual file
Date: 9/9/99 20:03:42
The first step in the writing of this file is to locate various
TOOTSIE ROLL and/or TOOTSIE (ROLL?) POPS nostalgia websites. Hopefully
they'll contain real video of the old television advertisements. Of
particular interest is the "HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT GET TO THE CENTER OF A
TOOTSIE (ROLL?) POP?" campaign. Must study the intricaate nature of the
characters in the advertisements. I remember something about an Owl sitting
in a tree, but I can't remember much else... perhaps some crudely drawn
Hanna-Barbara-esque children trying to lick the pops to find out as the
overlord Owl urges them to do so?
Second step, verify that both gweeds and teletype have in fact had
unprotected sex with meenk. Gweeds has essentially admitted as such, as has
teletype, but neither have directly said so. In the event that one (or
neither, however unlikely) ever dogged her raw, must make the value
judgement of whether or not to go through with the file. Most likely will,
as most people would not need a stretch of the imagination to believe that
meenk would have had unprotected sex with either.
Third step, decide on best possible execution of the conceptual file.
Should it be a parody of the commercials entirely, with teletype and meenk
and gweeds serving as the (supposed) crudely drawn children and the
overlord owl? Should it be an ASCII passion play in five acts, or should
it be a straight text file? Decisions decisions, as of the writing I'm
leaning mostly towards a straight up parody a la TELETYPE'S FIRST LAY and
Plato's ION, or a series of crudely drawn ASCII depictions of the entire
thing.
Fourth step, find the best possible execution of the central joke.
Please find included below a rough sketch of what the ASCII passion
play might look like, and please be advised that these are just storyboards:
SCENE ONE
___________
/ \
____/ \
0 ((*) ) |
-|- ---- ----------------
/ \ | | | |
____ ___
(STUPID BOY) (FUCKED UP TURTLE)
STUPID BOY: GEE MISTER TURTLE HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO STRIP
GWEEDS'S BODY TOTALLY OF ALL FLESH, SINEW, AND BONE UNTIL YOU
GET TO THE SMALL AMOUNT OF TELETYPE'S BODILY FLUID HE CARRIES
WITH HIM AS A RESULT OF HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH MEENK
AFTER TELETYPE HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH MEENK?
FUCKED UP TURTLE: WHY I DON'T KNOW LITTLE FUCKED UP BOY. PERHAPS YOU
SHOULD GO ASK THAT OL' NAZI WITCH DOCTOR, MEENK THE OWL.
STUPID BOY: OK MISTER TURLE, I SURE WILL GO ASK THE OWL.
SCENE TWO
/ \
/___\
|() ()|
| . |
0 |_____|
-|- / \
/ \ _/ \_
------------------
(STUPID BOY) (FUCKED UP NAZI MEENK OWL)
STUPID BOY: HEY MEENK OWL, THE FUCKED UP TURTLE TOLD ME TO COME ASK YOU
SOMETHING.
MEENK OWL: SHOOT, STUPID BOY. I HAVE GRADUATED AT LEAST HIGH SCHOOL.
STUPID BOY: HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO STRIP GWEEDS'S BODY OF ALL
FLESH, SINEW, AND BONE UNTIL YOU GET TO THE TINY AMOUNT OF
TELETYPE'S BODILY FLUID THAT HE'S BEEN CARRYING AROUND SINCE
HE HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX
WITH TELETYPE?
MEENK OWL: ORDINARILY, LITTLE BOY, I WOULD TAKE GWEEDS UP AND LICK HIM
CLEAN MY OWN SELF, BUT HE DUMPED MY ASS FOR WWW.BADKITTYCAM.COM
AND I AM STILL BITTER AT HIM. I DID NOT NEED ANOTHER SOUR
MEMORY OF MASCULINITY, AND YET THERE IT IS. YOU'LL HAVE TO
LICK HIM YOURSELF.
STUPID BOY: I AM NOT A FAG.
MEENK OWL: I SUGGEST YOU RECONSIDER THAT OPINION.
SCENE THREE
/\/\
| |
| ( )|
|0 \
| /
| /--------\ ( )
| \ _________\ ||
| \ ))___((
------ | |
\ /
\ /
/ / \ \
/ / \ \
(STUPID BOY'S HEAD) (GWEEDS)
STUPID BOY: 1... 2... 3.... AHHHHHH I HAVE CAUGHT SYPHILIS MY TONGUE DOES
NOT WORK ANYMORE AHHHH HE RUBBED HIS DICK IN MY EYES I AM
BLIND AHHHHHHh
Like I said, Phairgirl, these are just storyboards, but you get the
gist.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #876 - WRITTEN BY: AIDS - 10/16/99 ]