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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #808
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Five Worst Songs of ALL TIME"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 9/1/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Preface:
I listen to a lot of various types of music; however, there's a lot I
don't listen to also. I have decided to exclude from my list the genres of
rap and country altogether because otherwise I'd have entire genres on my
list, and that's not fair simply because I can't properly judge what makes
for good rap and country (although I think I could judge good rap pretty
well, I still think that 95% of it is crap).
Also, there are no Spice Girls or Hanson or any of that on this list,
because that is all inherently crap. Nobody needs to tell you that a song
by the Spice Girls or Hanson is going to be crap, because that reputation
precedes it. This is also the reason why there is no sappy R Kelly-type R&B
ballad bullshit on this list. Generally, the songs maintained within are of
genres that I like, but have some very very bad seeds that have to be
exposed. I wouldn't feel right saying I like classic rock if I couldn't
make an exclusion or two.
Anyway. Yeah. Avoid these at all costs, except maybe simply to hear
the standards by which you should judge all music.
[-----]
5. "Summer Breeze," the Type O Negative version
There is something that people of the world must realize right now:
THIS SONG IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY CUTE. Like many Anne Rice sheep from back in
the day, I too purchased Type O Negative's "Bloody Kisses," because Peter
Steele looked like a vampire and sounded evil and gothy. But even the sheep
that I seemed to be could not completely fall victim to a horrible song
redone in the most horrid way. Granted, "Summer Breeze," the original
version made by a no-name one-hit-wonder AM-radio-bullshit band that nobody
remembers was never a gem. The verses were good, but when it hit the
chorus, it all just fell apart. So what was Type O thinking? Never mind--
this is what they were thinking: "Hey, let's do something ORIGINAL and COOL
and remake a lofty shitty sixties song that nobody would ever expect us to
remake!#@! That would be the coolest!#@! We are so goth!#@! [Puking
blood]" However, this idea falls very flat, and the very mention of this
song around me will force me to also puke blood.
4. "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
When I was growing up in welfare land, my mom was in college. At the
dinner table and while she was studying, we had an ancient AM radio that was
always on 1490, WDBQ (in Dubuque, the only other AM option was KDTH, which
plays big band music almost exclusively). This would not have bothered me
much at all, because I learned a lot about the good, bad, and ugly of the
history of music, except the programmer seemed to REALLY LIKE Carly Simon.
Okay, I can handle that, too. However, I also believe his favorite song was
"You're So Vain," and this is where my tolerance ended. Even in fifth grade
and my horrible New Kids On The Block music taste could discern how awful
this song is. Granted, now that I am older, I understand the song a little
more and the reasons why it exists. However, if I hear one more awful
metaphor like "clouds in my coffee" in a song EVER AGAIN, someone must die.
Also, as my sister and I would complain for hours, "THIS SONG IS A TRAP!
WHAT IF IT _IS_ ABOUT YOU? THEN YOU'RE NOT BEING VAIN! THEN SHE'S JUST
TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT! WHAT A BITCH!"
3. "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit
Maybe it's not fair for me to put such a new song on my list; after
all, the other songs are all pretty old, and they've had quite a long time
to sink in and irritate me through and through. However, there's a special
case for everything, and Limp Bizkit definitely filled my criteria for Pure
Crap.
I have to say, it's not so much the music in this song that annoys
me, but they lyrics, and this might be the only reason why it isn't number
one on this list. Granted, I don't like Limp Bizkit in general due mostly
to parties that played NOTHING BUT, but that's irrelevant at this point. I
simply have a problem with this stupidity:
I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE
YEAH, THE NOOKIE
SO YOU CAN TAKE THAT COOKIE
AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS.
Because, as we all know, THESE LYRICS MAKE A LOT OF COHERENT SENSE.
Ummm, cookie? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? COOKIE???
What the FUCK does a COOKIE have to do with anything?
I have decided that THIS is how the guys in Limp Bizkit wrote the
song:
"Dude, I'm so fried"
"Yeah, man, so am I."
"Dude, you wanna hear something funny?"
"Yeah, man, what."
[anticipation]
"NOOKIE"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"Dude, that's the funniest shit I've EVER HEARD. I'm gonna write a
song called "NOOKIE" just for you, man."
"RAD MAN, THANKS! Pass the bowl, will ya?"
[later]
"Dude, what rhymes with nookie?"
"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA YOU SAID NOOKIE"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA YEAH MAN"
"Ummm, dude, the only things that rhyme with nookie are "bookie" and
"cookie." Are you gonna write a song about your bookie getting some
nookie?"
"Nah, man, I'll work that cookie in there _somehow_."
"Cookies are GAY, MAN. I'LL STICK THAT COOKIE UP YOUR ASS!"
"YEAH!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!! COOKIE UP YOUR ASS, MAN!!!!!!!!"
Hurrah! A masterpiece is born.
2. "Kathmandu" by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
This song is the only song that has ever actually made me throw a
radio. I used to work at 7am every Sunday for about an eight-month run, and
of course we would listen to the radio. Unfortunately, because of all the
hills in the area, we could only get in four local stations: one was soft
rock (NOT good at 7am), one was popular music (gag), one was country (oh
yes, PLEASE, ugh baby YEAH gimme more of that), and the other was one was
KGRR, Dubuque's only independently owned and operated radio station. It
plays a classic rock format, tending to play a lot of the stuff the
mainstream classic rock stations don't play often. And some sick
programming manager there apparently thought "Kathmandu" didn't get enough
mainstream airplay.
EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY they would play "Kathmandu" before they switched
to a satellite-fed show of some type, and EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY I would turn
the station to fuzz, unplug it, or just complain nonstop until it was over.
You see, "Kathmandu" features many irritating facets and would DEFINITELY be
my number one choice if only one more horrid song did not exist.
a) It is 6-7 minutes long.
b) It has maybe 20 actual words in the song, repeated in various forms.
c) It gets stuck in your head worse than any kind of glue.
d) There are too many instruments in the song for no reason.
If you have never heard "Kathmandu," it is written in a 12-bar style,
with a happy, jumpy, piano-and-guitar rockabilly thing going on, much like
something written by, oh, Bob Seger. Any moron could have written this.
I do not know the lyrics by heart, but I am going to attempt to
emulate one verse. Keep in mind that even though I do not know the actual
lyrics, these might very well BE the actual lyrics, as any tweaking of the
formula will result in further verses:
I THINK I'M GOING TO KATHMANDU
THAT'S REALLY REALLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO
IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
KA KA KA KA KA KA KATHMANDU
IT'S REALLY REALLY WHAT I WANNA DO
AND IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE
I'M GOING TO KATHMANDU
The worst feature of this song, however, is that just when you think
it's over, just when the music is winding down, just when its big finish
approaches... IT STARTS BACK UP AGAIN FOR ANOTHER MINUTE OF HELL.
I know what you're thinking. How can it get WORSE than that?
Well...
1. "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen
Oh. I do not even know how to describe the horror, the sheer
awfulness, the utter complete rage inside of me that boils when this song
should start to play anywhere near me.
Maybe it's the lyrics themselves, which cry of pain and anguish and
the utter inability to function when not in a relationship. That, my
friends, is why I hate 90% of the people on this planet and will never be
able to tolerate the Backstreet Boys. It's that mentality that has lead our
society to such horrible things as The Gap and body glitter. Nobody should
live their lives simply to be a part of a twosome. I highly advocate the
mass suicides of anyone who does.
Maybe it's Eric Carmen himself, with his COMPLETE AND UTTERLY AWFUL
WHINEY VOICE FROM THE NETHER REGIONS OF HELL. Sure, there are worse whiney
voices, like Chris DeBurgh or the guy who sings "Without You" (I can't think
of his name, but you know the song: "Can't live, if living is without you/
can't GIIIIIIVE, can't GIIIIIIVE ANYMOOOOOORE," Mariah Carey did a remake of
it about a year ago). And granted, "Without You" is an awful enough song,
except for the fact that I like the way that song begins, which is what
saves it from this Eric Carmen fate.
There are two distinct covers of this song that exist (possibly more,
but I don't care about any others). One gives this song the true credit it
deserves, and the other turns it into a gigantic shitpile, not really
improving it but at least eliminating Eric Carmen's voice. One was done by
Babes In Toyland, the other by Celine Dion. Guess who did what.
Celine Dion's version is just as crappy as the original, except you
get the added advantage of having Celine Dion shit all over something, which
we ALL REALLY WANTED TO HEAR, much like everything else that dribbles out of
her mouth. I would rather listen to her version, however, than Eric
Carmen's. Therefore, Celine Dion turned it into a shitpile.
Babes in Toyland, the garagey-punky-shitty girl band, came out with a
truly awful album, _Nemesisters_, which basically made all their fans forget
how cool their older stuff was by creating the ultimate unlistenable album.
However, the only shining light on this disc was their version of "All By
Myself," which only people as obsessed with hating Eric Carmen as me can
appreciate. The song begins with a fucked up piano intro, half the notes
played off-tempo, and Kat Bjelland's voice sounding like a dying cat in
heat. It climaxes with her screaming at the top of her lungs several times
and mock-sobbing at the true soulful sadness of having to be ALL BY MYSELF.
Therefore, Babes in Toyland gives this song the credit it deserves.
RUNNERS-UP:
"Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers
"Mr. Roboto" by Styx (declared by my old roommates as THE worst song of all
time)
"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger
"Keep the Faith" by Bon Jovi
"She's Tight" by Cheap Trick
"Young American" by David Bowie
...and oh-so-many more.
I'm not sure if I can possibly convince other people about the evils
and horrors of music such as this. Many people disagree with me and think
I listen to "crap." However, well, just fuck you, okay? Because these
songs SUCK, and if you don't agree with me, I'm not going to cry while you
flood your brain with this crap. I'm just going to find some way to make
sure you die before you breed.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #808 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 9/1/99 ]