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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #785
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "I Already Know What My
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Illegitimate Child Will Be Like"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Jammer 427
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/12/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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One day while at work, a thought had passed through my head in
regards to me fathering a child. What inspired this? Mostly boredom, but
more a thought of my slowly advancing age. Yes, a stunning 26 years have
passed me by.
During the eight years since high school ended for me, I have been
running into or watching friends get married and start to have children.
(I can't wait to tells these kids what dipshits that their parents were and
to help with reasons to walk at a distance from them in shopping malls.)
This has caused me to be taken aback quite severely. For each gender the
reasons are basically the same.
For the guys, I know it's the fact that they helped make that little
brat that I find unsettling. They were really involved! Holy shit!
For the ladies, it's having seen them ripe with child or pushing
strollers around displaying their little bundle to all the world.
Sure there were those girls and guys who were making babies back in
school, but no one I was friends with. Maybe if I did have one of them as
my friends perhaps it wouldn't be so shocking to me as it is today. I'm not
saying that anyone that I knew in those days didn't have sex, it just wasn't
an ideal that I put into my head concerning them.
Though, I was considering marriage a few years ago, I've been happy
enough to be single since then. There has been the odd change encounter
here and there. Ah, but, what if one of those "encounters" led to a kid of
my very own? That's where the fun come in.
It would be somewhat ironic, that I would become a father after years
of having openly stated that children have bugged the shit out of me to no
end. However, I have stated that I've only had problems with other people's
children and not my own.
Of course, if a child of mine did come about, Jedi-like training
would begin immediately with music pumped in via one of those womb radios
consisting of non-stop tracks from Mojo Nixon, They Might Be Giants,
Garbage, Debbie Gibson and TV themes from every era.
TV programs would start during birth and would contains such classics
as "Doctor Who", "Star Trek", "This Old House" and "Sledge Hammer!".
Video gaming would cover all Atari products from the 2600 to the
Lynx. Additional training in all things Pac-Man would be also be included.
Gadgets -- from Mr. Microphone to the Thigh Master.
Oh, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. So much planning and
work is left to be done. Luckily, I don't get laid much anymore.
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[(c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #785 - WRITTEN BY: JAMMER 427 - 8/12/99 ]