💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0750.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:40:32.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #750
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "True Stories of IThinkICon"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Various Artists
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/24/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
lies
or
a conreview.
by: teerts
dont associate me with you. dont associate me with me. the stupid
shit that people do when they gather in groups never changes. even these
people who think they are above it, revert back to school-yard behaviour
(except for the punching and kicking the shit out of each other). pretense,
posturing, and arrogance; guess one can never really avoid those at a
gathering. cliquing was not as bad as could have been, though.
when altrocks and i first found the ho(e)tel, we went in only to
stumble upon a scruffy neko in a london calling tee and a mighty tall blond
monster.
"quarex" hissed altrocks in amazement at the recognizability of he.
in a mighty, booming voice, drew projected "HAHAHA YES..."
thus, the farcical battle began.
>set wimpy 20
you will run away like a little girl when your hitpoints reach 20
>wear cloak
you reach into your bag of holding, pull out the cloak, and put on
the cloak of invisibility!
>wield sword
you unsheathe and wield the bastard sword!
>grab poptarts
<with your free hand, you reach into your bag of holding and
retrieve some poptarts.
>use poptarts
you open the seal on the wrapping, and throw the poptarts at
the mighty Quarex's feet.
>tell quarex 'eat poptarts, muthafucka!'
teerts tells Quarex: "eat poptarts, muthafucka!"
Quarex bends down and grabs the poptarts.
>attack quarex
you swing your sword at a distracted Quarex, removing his head!
Light spills from Quarex's neck, making the room brighter. everyone
in the room dies. so much for your cloak of invisibility, asshole.
ok, so what really happened was that the bastard sword broke upon
contact with Quarex's neck. he said to me "HAHAHAH SILLY MORTAL. IF I DID
NOT HAVE TO MAKE A PILGRIMAGE TO WAWA, I WOULD KILL YOU, BECAUSE I HATE!"
"quarex! what is best in life?"
he replied "TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES, SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE YOU, AND TO
HEAR THE LAMENTATION OF THE WOMEN!"
"that is good." i then said.
i demanded "where is mogel's room, tell me!"
he walked away laughing at me his Quarexlaugh "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
neko told us "326, but everyone is in 332, summer's suite."
"thanks." then we made our way to the 3rd.
many interesting people had gathered, loudly, at the best western
near 22nd street in philadelphia in room 332. when i first walked into the
room, i did not know what to think or what to say. a roomful of strangers
looked back at me; only a few of whom i could recognise or even guess their
identities. swissphil, mogel, cait, tasha, styx, phairgirl, jubjub, nybar,
`six`, and harvk0re. as for the other 237 people, i was clueless.
'hi, i'm mogel' said mike from below.
i look down to see a mogel on his back, contorted, looking up at me.
'hi mogel, why are you on the floor?'
'you look big from down here.'
'dont look up my pantleg, mike.'
'hi, i'm swisspope.'
'shhhh!!!!'
'shhhh!!!!!'
'shhhh!!!'
'!!'
(he didnt have much to say, he was busy keeping people quiet.)
:satyr-day
'let's go get food!'
'ok.'
'where's drew?'
'drew's in the shower.'
'hrmm, maybe you should leave him your key.'
'ok! brb!'
*scribblescribble* "drew, take key. went for food."
summer, alicia, geoff, jeff, john, scott, harvey, leah, and teerts
went to get food. south street was decided upon. we saw a place called
johnny rocket's...a shitty throwback to the 50's and 60's. they had a
t-shirt on the menu. a tee shirt. why? i thought it all pretty ...
'i think zibble is french for asshole.'
'there's no french about it.' i reply.
ridiculous, but my grilled cheese sandwich was pretty good. after
food, we walked about on south st and bought things. ali paid someone to
poke a hole in her...hahah foolish things...
so later this eve most of us sit around and do some american-style
binge drinking. it is good for our health, no?
so people sat around playing the people-in-groups game. g0ff, neko,
altrocks, and i played cosmic encounter. it is neet. neeter still, though,
is watching mogel play his own version of the game. mike was not very
coherent.
'hi, i'm alfons, and i'm not sober.'
'where is the party?'
'look at the underwear on my head.'
'ok alfons!'
anjee's dad's appearance made my night.
sometime that nite, i think before anjee's dad's appearance, i went
for a walk. sickened by everything and all the happenings, i decided that
some quiet time would be good. i left the hotel in search of adventure,
encounters, and experience. i found none of those. instead, i ran into a
homeless man in front of wawa on my way back to the best western. he
remembered me from the previous night and asked about john. john had said
that if he was sober enough he would bring his car by to be washed by the
two guys who hang out in front of wawa. for a fee, of course. the
houseless man was very polite.
so i made it back to 332 and soonly after went to sleep...ok, so i
sorta passed out on the bed...something for which seaya was not too happy :)
but eventually i came to and crashed on the floor...mm...flooor...ok then i
awoke to a pezmonkey running around saying g'bye to drew. it was early.
'wake up mothafucka, con's over!@' shouted nybar and jubjub at
altrocks, who was sleeping on their floor, as they commented on how he would
not awaken at their earlier jeers. words of dill-pickle penetration...
jeff and i grabbed our stuff (most of it, anyway) and headed for
reading. my mind still reeled with the sweet resounding of the words 'wake
up mothafucka, con's over!@'
we had a car accident on the way and died.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"What are you trying to do - blackmail me?"
-=-=-=-=-A review of I Think I Con-=-=-=-=-
Presented in exciting TEXT format by NEKO.
"Bitches, come and get some!" was one of many rallying cries in my
family's 1991 Plymouth Sundance heard over the weekend of July 8th-12th.
This line -- classier than many spoken in my car -- came from Reggie and the
Full Effect's wonderful 1999 album, "Greatest Hits," which I had
conveniently dubbed for easy car listening.
The trip began its planning stage around the beginning of July, I
think, when I asked my parents if I could borrow the third car to drive to
Philadelphia. Once I promised them I would not smoke in it, they granted me
the car.
The rest of the planning was done pretty much without me. I thought
I had some control over what was going on, and then one day Murmur emailed
me and gave me directions to his apartment in Columbus. Apparently Quarex
had arranged for us to stay there, but nobody told me.
My plan was also to drive straight through from central Illinois to
Philadelphia, leaving after work on Thursday evening. Quarex' plan was to
stay in a hotel in Akron, OH, of all places. Apparently his parents told
him that they would fly him to Philadelphia if we did not stay in this
hotel. Hey, they paid for the hotel. If they hadn't, I think we could've
lived without Quarex and his 100% riffs tape! But maybe not.
So the day finally came. July 8th. I was going to leave work at
noon, and pick Quarex and Swisspope up shortly thereafter. But then my
roommate's car broke down, so I had to drive him to work. And I had to
return the video we had rented (Bottle Rocket, I think). So I didn't get to
take a shower. Oh well, even the best layed plans often go astray.
When I was at the video store, I asked the guy how to get to the
address Quarex had provided me with. He had no clue, he claimed to be bad
with directions. Some burly guy offered me directions that, if I had taken
them, I think I would've ended in the completely opposite place from where I
wanted to be. So as I was crusing up the road looking for the place the
burly dude had told me to turn, I got nervous. So I looked at my
handwritten list of important phone numbers, addresses, etc. that I had
prepared especially for ITIC. I picked up my cell phone and dialed the
number at the top -- Quarex' I thought. I dialed the number and asked for
Drew and the person said, "Drew doesn't live here." Shit, I thought. I
thought I was so fucked. Then the person on the other end said, "John, is
that you?" I responded in the affirmative, and realized I had called
Swisspope! "Hi Phil, how do I get to Drew's?" He told me, and I sped off
into the afternoon sunlight looking for Quarex.
Upon finding Quarex' poorly labeled apartment building, I pulled into
a bank parking lot across the street and dodged traffic to get to Quarex'
apartment. I knocked on the door and there was no answer. So I pushed the
door open and went inside shouting "Drew!" until finally someone showed me
where I could find Quarex. Quarex then grabbed his things and we walked
back to the bank parking lot. Some kind woman there informed us that if we
didn't get off the property soon we would be towed. I explained that we
were leaving, but she re-emphasized that we would be towed if we didn't
leave. So we left to find Swisspope.
And find Swisspope we did! He exited his house with a phone bill in
hand that he needed to mail right away (apparently, in Swisspope's part of
town, they don't collect mail or something). We sped off in the general
direction of Wal-Mart to get cigarettes and other assorted things. Then the
bright idea of eating hit us. We went to the perenially busy Taco Bell and
decided it was too busy for us, so we went next door to the McDonalds. Fuck
the man, you know.
The McDonalds was strange as it was decked out in sports memorobilia.
I am really sure lots of sportsmen eat at McDonalds. Breakfast of
Champions, you know.
We then went to Wal-Mart, where Swisspope bought cigarettes, Quarex
bought Yoo-Hoo, and I bought Dr. Pepper.
We were now ready for a road trip.
We left at about 2.30 PM, only 90 minutes after we had intended to
leave.
We drove through Illinois for awhile, seeing signs for
gunssavelife.com and then we hit Indiana.
Indiana was a cool state. There was lots of road construction and
that was pretty cool because we'd see signs for something unimportant but
worth stopping for like White Castle or GAS, and then the exit would be
blocked. Indina was pretty cool, though. We finally stopped in
Indianapolis, the first of many times the gas ALMOST ran out, and got gas.
I pointed out a sign to Swisspope that made us very upset. It read
something like "Camel cartons, $17.99". Each of us had paid 10 bucks more
than that not so long ago, so it stung like a fresh wound reopened. Then we
ate at White Castle, which was pretty fun. I mean, the burgers were
tiny!!! tee-hee! And I had chicken rings, which are basically like chicken
strips, only rings. Wacky White Castle!!
Anyhow, Indiana went on for another couple hours, with us stopping at
every rest stop so Swisspope and myself could smoke. I noticed that states
go by much quicker in this manner. Near the end of Indiana there were all
sorts of signs for TOM RAPER'S RVs. I wouldn't buy anything from a man
named raper, but I guess the folks of Indiana are of a different sort.
Then we entered Ohio, which sucked from start to finish.
Finally we made it to Pennsylvania sometime Friday afternoon. We
drove through Pennysylvania, stopping at every rest area, until we made it
to New Jersey sometime between 7.30 and 8PM Friday night. This was due to a
navigational error or miscommunication between Swisspope and myself. Once
we realized we were in New Jersey, we exited at Trenton and stopped at a
Best Western which was adjacent to a WAWA. It must be an east coast thing.
We eventually made it to Philadelphia and made a grand entrance.
Since I had pretty much not used irc for the past 6 months or so, I didn't
really know who anybody was. Fortunately, alcohol was at hand, so I felt
comfortable within two or three hours or so.
The only exciting thing I did in Philadelphia was walk to Zipperhead.
So now I will talk about why everone at ITIC was funny.
Miasma was funny because he had a goatee and looked suave.
Jubjub was funny because he was so thin.
Nybar was funny because he wore a Taxi Driver t-shirt.
TanAdept was funny because I beat him at his own game.
Styx was funny because we talked about emo.
AltRocks wasn't funny.
Cap'n Sparky was funny because I don't remember him.
Firewater was funny for the same reason.
The Jester was funny because his dad made him go home early.
Phairgirl was funny because she gave me aspirin when I got a hangover
before I even went to sleep.
Hardcore was funny because he apparently has a photo album of
peoples' breasts.
Six was funny because she has carpal tunnel syndrome.
Mogel was funny because he was vacant.
AIDS was funny because he was a pedophile.
Hawk and DB70 were funny because, uh, see Firewater.
PezMonkey was funny because she was never in a room for more than
five minutes at a time.
AnonGirl was funny because apparently the pickup line, "Hey Audrey, I
see two of you!" worked on her.
Art was funny because all his mack techniques failed.
Caitlin was funny because she was friendly towards me even after I
told her every band she liked sucked.
Tasha was funny because she got really drunk and showed everyone her
cleavage.
Belial was funny because he is a part of the Blade Nation.
Grey Hawk was funny because see Firewater.
Mindcrime was funny because see Belial.
Bexy was funny because she was a girl with the Blade Nation.
Trilobyte was funny because he stayed in his room the whole con.
Tortoise was funny because damnit, I can't think of any reason why
Dylan was funny.
Ashtray Heart was funny because he danced.
Darwin was funny because he talked to me for an hour about yoga and
healthy food and then I bought a hot dog at WAWA.
Kaia was funny because she didn't remember my name.
Anjee was funny because she didn't want to sleep in my room once she
found out Seaya was sleeping there.
Teerts was funny because he has a nose ring.
Jamesy was funny because he was an asshole to AltRocks.
SwissPope was funny because he said, "I am starting the timer on my
watch. When I only see one of you, I will stop it."
Quarex was funny because he spent an hour in the bathroom every day.
Kasey was funny because the guy he does a zine with runs a record
label and I recently got the record they put out.
Seaya was funny because she has never slept with a man or a woman.
Did I miss you? You must've been off the charts of unfunniness.
Then on Sunday Jamesy came with us on the way back and we had a fun
filled ride to Murmur's house, almost running out of gas multiple times.
At Murmur's house we ate Gumby's pizza, which was pretty shitty, but
it was like $7.99 for an extra large. Murmur ate some of it, which was
pretty lame, because Swisspope and I paid for it. Oh well.
Monday we ate at some shitty restaurant in Columbus and Jamesy and I
passed off Obloid Cash.
Then we drove home and listened to Quarex' 100% riffs tape,
identifying each riff as either gay or straight.
We made it home and that was that.
Yay for Ithinkicon.
Come to Campfest.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
--Ashtray Heart
I am going to write the first ever last ever con review.
1. Yes I dance like that
2. Would you like to see some ID?
3. I was nice to everybody at the con except Phil, who I was a rude
asshole to, but I didn't mean to be a rude asshole. It just came
out that way.
4. I thought Phairgirl was gay.
5. No, seriously. She had like rainbow stripes on her pants, I
thought that meant you were gay, and she listened to like chick
music like Liz Phair.
6. Anongirl would not be allowed to smoke cigarettes in movies,
because she makes it look too good. You can't smoke cigarettes
and make it look good these days.
7. Thunderbirds are GO!
8. My most enduring memory of the con will be hearing John Coltrane
being played on the intercom at a grocery store. When I worked
at a grocery store they never played cool stuff like Trane. It
was always awful musak, and never even stuff like Pink Floyd's
"San Tropez", no, it would only be "Imagine" and muzak versions
of Led Zeppelin's "Thank You". So rest snug and securely in your
beds knowing that no matter how groovy and cosmic anything you
did this weekend, it still falls short of hearing John Coltrane
in a grocery store.
9. You can't decide whether or not to vomit by flipping a coin.
10. Alpha Phi Omega is apparently jam-packed with homosexuals. This
has got me interested in them now. I was in Key Club in high
school and they were evil scumbag hypocrite yuppies. I am not an
altruist, but if they don't suck as bad as, say, Discordians I
might have to have truck with them. Homosexuals are like cool,
especially if you're not actually gay or anything.
11. Only one of you so far is going to get invited to my wedding if I
have one. But you might make the guest list later.
12. CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM! WE WANT BARABBAS! B.A. BARABBAS!
13. My tummy hurts. Owie.
14. I'm quitting my job and moving to Germany.
15. Divination via Boggle or via the entrails of Geddy Lee- it
amounts to the same thing.
16. My size 30 pants don't fit my anymore. Damn.
17. Turn it to channel 13/and make me watch the rubber tongue as it
comes out/from the puffed and flabulent Mexican rubber-goods
mask!
18. The "Out Here Over There" bootleg sucks, especially compared to
"Grow Fins".
19. I GET TO KEEP THE TOWEL! I GET TO KEEP THE TOWEL!
20. There is a time to create, and a time to destroy.
21. I learned that from Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes has rivets.
There are no cats in the Bible, though.
22. But if a seven-headed ten-horned ten-crowned beast ever shows up
and kills 1/3 of everyone, I'm gonna convert to Christianity.
Yeah.
23. "Gee," said Miss Hawkline, "I'd really like to get fucked."
24. Everything I had heard of one other person at the con knew about,
but only one. Cases in point: Maschina, Richard Brautigan, and
Suspiria.
25. Why do they call it "miracle whip" if you can't even flog
somebody with it?
26. Some people have no appreciation for genius, especially when it
comes in the form of creepy loud heavy breathing.
27. What _is_ that gunk on my CD case, man?
28. I will never be Thomas Pynchon. I am no good at all at hiding
when people come out to take pictures of me.
29. Yep. Time to dye my hair again.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"I Think I Con, 1999"
--Caitlin
I got there.
I talked to styx a bit.
I made jubjub carry a cooler out of my van. wait. strike that.
reverse it.
Anyways. then i drank a bit of beer.
then art kept making these goofy winky eyes at me. then we wrestled.
then everyone left and he smooched my neck and i said
"HARK! THEREFORE MY BOYFRIEND WILL SHOOT A LASER IN YOUR EYE!"
then i ran away. then i drank more. and went to sleep.
next day, i went to south street and bought stuff.
then i talked to styx more. then i played boggle and drank.
then i did some other stuff.
then AIDS stuck his hand in my pants in the suite and i giggled.
we got dooooown, niglet.
(in between all of this i drank more and told tasha repeadately to
pull up her shirt.)
somehow i ended up in mogel's room and seaya asked me to link with
her.
then i slept then woke up and left. i said goodbye to AIDS with a
GLEAM IN MY EYE. and then art followed me like a puppy to my van. jubjub
also carried the cooler back down for me.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
The Weekend of Inexplicable Demonization
OR: WAWAS FER HROSES
By: Quarex
Wake up, Quarex! Almost 11! Neko is going to be here between noon
and one, so you have to get going. Okay, there, you took a shower. Good
fucking job. Now, how about you eat something? Good, eight slices of
sourdough with various condiments. That ought to hold you for a good five
minutes. Or five hours, depending on the temperature, of course.
Hmm, it is almost one, and Neko is still not here. My goodness,
Quarex, why are you on irc? Surely you can find something better to do than
that. Oh well, I suppose the point is moot, since now that Neko has
arrived, you pretty much know what your plan of action is. Get the hell out
of your apartment, get your shit into his car, and get moving. Oh good,
Neko is illegally parked, and just got yelled at by some woman.
Well, in any case, you really need to go get SwissPope! You remember
where he lives, right? You used to go over there a lot before he moved away
for school, remember? Of course you do. Left, right, left, right, here you
are. Get Pope in the fucking car, already, man, you are running late!
Okay, so you have to go to Super Wal-Mart and Cigarette Express. You can do
that quickly. Hey, this is a pretty decent tape Neko is playing. Maybe
this will be a good trip for you after all!
There you go, now you have a six pack of King-Size YooHoo. What the
hell are you honestly planning on doing with that? I bet you will just end
up leaving it in the corner of your suite or something. Oh well, get
moving! Here you go, on your way out of town. Conversation seems to be
pretty entertaining, huh? This trip is going rather well for you, indeed!
Long trips certainly are much shorter when you stop at every single
rest stop so your car-mates can smoke, are they not, Quarex? Since you are
never even in the car for more than forty-five minutes, it just seems like a
bunch of short trips around town! Heck, you are in Indiana already!
Indiana is like a completely different world! All the roadsigns are made of
shinier material, people run blindly across the streets of every city you go
through, and they have WHITE CASTLES! WOW! You better stop and eat at one,
Quarex! You will regret it if you do not!
Mmm, White Castle "Chicken!" Nothing better, right? Right! Head
'em up, move 'em out, Raw-hide! Stop at another rest area. . . and another
rest area. . . well, Indiana's rest areas are at least pretty fun to stop
at, right? Right! Aww, Indiana was far too short. Now, you are in the
lovely state of Ohio! Ohio, land of smoke, factories, and, . . . factories.
Who the hell is that Tom Raper guy? Why are there huge signs reading
"Biggest dealer in the Midwest" with the word "Raper" on it? Does this not
seem offensive to you? Oh well, better to not question these Ohio savages.
Their rest areas are even pretty boring, huh.
After a mere ten hours of driving, you seem to have made it to Akron!
Here, you will spend the night at a lovely Best Western! What is this? The
receptionist says they are auditing something, and cannot check you in for
another half-hour? Oh well, it is only 2 A.M., who gives a fuck. You can
wait. Finally, you get to your room, and go to bed. How exciting!
Goodness gracious, Quarex, for brevity's sake, leave out everything
else but the con! Jeeze, you fucking windbag! Okay. Agreed. However, it
is worth mentioning that you just got lost in New Jersey somehow, even
though you came from Illinois, and it is not at all en route to
Philadelphia. In any case, here you are, in the Con's Hotel! Hooray! Why,
is that Caitlin and Tasha you see in a van? Actually, no, those people look
absolutely nothing like Caitlin or Tasha. However, soon enough, you will
see all those people and more!
Walk walk walk walk walk, you love stairs! Here you go. Somewhere
on this floor is an entire room full of people you only know from scattered
.jpgs, or not at all. And here you are. . . WOW! THIS IS SO FUCKING FUCKED
UP! LOOK AT THIS SHIT! ALL THESE PEOPLE I ONLY KNEW FROM A WEBCAM OR A
PICTURE HERE AND THERE! ALL IN THIS FUCKING ROOM! This rules. Oh man,
this is cool.
Now now, you, stop interrupting. There is Tasha, and Anjee, and
Caitlin, and Mogel, and G0ff, and Art, and Dylan, and Trilobyte, and
Phairgirl, and whoever else was in the room when you first walked in! Wow!
How amazing! You feel like you are just watching all of this, too! How
cute. You do not at all feel like you can even interact with this party!
Hey, everybody, move to Phairgirl's suite! It will be a great time, no
doubt!
It sure is much colder in this room. You probably like that, huh,
Mister Shorts-in-the-Winter. Idiot. Things are calming down a little bit
now. Oh, Christ, Quarex, could you not be the obnoxious bastard just for
once in your life? Yes, everyone knows you are loud, you do not have to
keep being loud. Well, okay, you probably only know how to be loud. That
is forgivable.
What a great time you are having! Talking to all these people you
never knew in real life! And some you did! This is so fun! Hey, Lindsey
is here! Awesome! You have not seen her in almost a year and a half! Ah,
Lindsey. She rules, huh? Wait, what did she just say? Having sex? They
have? Really? Oh. Hmm. That is bad news to you, right, Quarex?
So, there I was. Walking down the hallway with Lindsey, from Mogel's
room to Phairgirl's suite, and she casually mentioned how two certain people
had been having sex for quite some time, and I had been deliberately misled
about this fact. Since the girl involved in this situation was someone I
had trusted implicitly with not only my emotions, but my moral compass as
well, and she had proven to not be nearly as much like me as I had thought,
a lot of bizarre things ran through my head.
Why did I get mildly preachy about how people should not have sex?
What am I really even talking about? Yeah, sure, I hate humanity. But I
love people. I dig all of these people I am meeting at the con. They are
no longer just handles, but now people with real names, that I even used in
some cases. No longer AnonGirl, Miasma, or Teerts, but now Audrey, Brad,
and Carlos. Tasha is just as fun in real life as she is online! Anjee has
such a great laugh! A drunk Jarett is telling me how I exhude everything
good about life! Lindsey, oh, Lindsey. Why did she tell me that? I could
have assumed, but I never would have thought about it otherwise.
So, then and there, I decided my morals, too, were going right out
the window. As I lay on the carpeted floor of the suite's bedroom, trying
to drown out AltRocks' voice, all kinds of things raced through my mind.
Most of them are incredibly inane. But the fact that I was wasting my life
by having all these fucked up morals was prominent. Finally, something
resembling a life-altering moment! I have never had one of these before!
I woke up the next day, feeling much better about myself in general,
and made sure things stayed that way. There was no-one about when I got out
of the shower, so I went to Mogel's room, where no-one answered my knock.
Trilobyte's door was open, and Art was inside. I talked to him for a good
half hour, which was cool enough, as last time we had seen each other, we
were almost at each other's throats. Brad strolled in shortly thereafter,
and we took turns pretending to ogle the eight year old girl swimming in the
pool. Before we got the chance to give fully into to our faux pedophelia,
Ashtray/David also came in, and we got the idea to perhaps go do something.
What we did then is lost in the annals of time in my mind, but it was no
doubt fulfilling.
That day was chock full of all kinds of great fun. Caitlin grabbing
Tasha's breast on camera, Caitlin making out with Anjee on camera,
Caitlin. . . okay, well, Caitlin does things like that. Kaia and I talked
for a few minutes, which was peculiar and completely natural at the same
time. I think every time I end up for whatever reason in the same place as
Kaia, we have a very brief discussion that in some way changes a view I had.
I mentioned something to her about how I had just had a hard time getting
someone to be serious for a picture, and she instantly somehow read through
that, and said, "You really dislike that people cannot take you seriously,
don't you?"
And, indeed, though I had not thought about it much, that did seem to
be a problem. Lest this sound too much like something I would have read in
DTO years ago, though, I will cut out on the pseudo-philosophical stuff, and
just get back to the con.
Harvey and I hung out for a while. He showed me a few miscellaneous
pictures of his friends from Jersey and the girls that they had sex with.
Even some pictures of naked women. Wow! Naked women at a con! Well,
pictures, at least. So we went to Wawa, and talked more about sex, and
naked women. He suggested I get Alicia drunk and try to make her be naked,
as apparently that is what she does. Alicia later explained to me that last
time she got drunk, she got naked. So it looked like that was true, after
all. Brad and Alicia were flirting a lot, and seemed to be getting along
really well. It is always interesting to watch people get used to each
other like that. Attraction leads to touching, and that leads to more
touching, and that eventually leads to going back to your hotel room with
somebody else. I pretty much get stuck at the "touching" phase, which
amusingly happens with me even before the "attraction" phase. What the hell
does it matter, though?
Carlos and I briefly bonded over realizing we had to keep typing more
and more text into G0ff's file to make it 251k. Tragically, our one chance
at the big-time was cut short by me having to go do something else for no
good reason.
I briefly chatted with so many more people than this. . . of course,
I never learned some of their names, unfortunately. Cap'n Sparky, my
biggest fan. I barely got to talk to him, though, which was too bad. That
would have been interesting. Belial, Blue(?)Falcon, Mindcrime, BeXy. . .
I only got to make them smile in a picture that did not turn out anyway. I
could have done much more. I could have had a lot more conversations with a
lot more people about a lot of other things. This could have been a chance
to see that people were all really much more alike than I thought, to see
that people are all just all right by me. And I did, to some extent. It
just could have been better.
So, I took a bunch more pictures, hung out with all these great
people, and then had no regrets when it was all said and done, other than
perhaps I should have said goodbye to David, since he is just so cool. I
even got to hug Tasha! And sleep in the same bed with Leah! And hear about
Caffeine's ill effects from "Darwin!" And have an incredibly drunk John
tell me how I should give all my change to this homeless guy! And change my
entire life! Everyone there ruled. Well, 99% of everyone ruled. And
RottenZ certainly should have been there. As should Jook, Kyusaku, Soybean,
Zaff. . . lots of people. Every one of them just as great a person as the
last.
But there is one thing for sure--my life will never be the same
again.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
The Green Dragon Dies
or
How I spent my weekend in Philly
by: AIDS
Yeah, let me tell you aobut that straight up PHILADELPHIA shit, dog.
When she did come stinking of rum, your mom started to run, and I blared
across the sun. "Damn, slim shady, you a basehead." Uh uh. "Why you look
so wasted?" Uh uh.
I tapped on her drum, and I asked her how come. No, I didn't,
actually, but I did ride with a bunch of Rhode Island patriots, wild with
the celebration of independence day, straight into Philadelphia, with a few
pit stops. Well, let me tell you, Darwin was cold and he had to use the
bathroom, and he made me turn off Captain Beefheart, and the food at Wendy's
sucked, and I lost at bowling, but at least I beat Kaia and got the nickname
"Gutterball", and that was the whole trip to and fro. Heave and ho!
So what do you want me to say? We got the Hotel and all the doors
were locked, but we found our way in, and I restrung my banjo in the lobby
while Dawn & Darwin made some love to the women behind the desk, checked us
in, and CHECKED US OUT, but I did not care for any eyes laced in ebony, not
this night, no.
We got to our room and someone found MOGEL and I was there and I was
nervous and I was scared and I decided to put on my disguise. So I went
upstairs, but it was too late to meet Tasha or Caitlin, and Anjee was busy
on Styx's bed, so I found my brothers Nybar & Jubjub. Jamesy had come down
earlier and escorted me up, and he was shockingly nice, and I liked him
quite a bit. We ran into Styx, Swisspope, and Pezmonkey in the hallway, but
I lied to them all, and identified myself either as DARWIN or HYPERTRONIC,
and my hat read "HACKER" and my glasses obscured my face.
Around this time, Jamesy had confirmed I was not gay.
I COULDN'T SEE WHEN IT STARTED SNOWING. We were in rooms and I met a
bunch of people that all blurred into an undulating wave of flesh. We woke
up Nybar. He had been Silly Cat Silly Cat Silly Cat. But he wasn't too
silly, and he wasn't a cat. We went somewhere else. So much flesh, so many
people.
Quarex is an excellent fellow, full of infinite jest and robust
nature.
But, you know, we travelled on and then I waited for my man, and when
he arrived I said, "I want your LSD," and he said, "At five in the morning
in a hotel full of ugly geeks?" and I said, "Yes, yes, please, give me the
warez, I need to be HST Courier elite."
I had assured JUBJUB and NYBAR that they too would partake of the
substance and so they followed me down that rOAD. So we dropped and we
dropped and someone was drinkING GHB and someone else was screaming about
Tekken 3 and I still kicked ass at it, and then the fists lighting blurred
and I had to lie down on the bed next to KAIA, and someoen spilled water on
me and I thought I might have pissed myself again, and then I couldn't stop
looking at hte ceiling because it had become intricately wrought with IRON
from medieval fiefdoms, and somewhere I took a bath in diet pepsi and when I
blinked everything would go black and i was fucked and then I followed nybar
into his room, but we needed mogel to tell us where it was, and Ashtray
heart and altrocks and teerts was there, and they were asking who had sex
and jubjub went foetal, and I had to leave, and I made mogel come with me,
and I offered him a chair to stay on if he wanted but he went back to his
room and I went to sleep and hten I woke up and I had a yo-yo wrapped around
my neck and I thought I was hallucinating bugs, but I wasn't, and I took it
off after I fell on the floor like a wounded badger.
Then I woke up and it was 3:30. I uh went with the RI/MOGEL/DELAWARE
crew to get some food and then we ate next to the Rodin Museum, but I didn't
think I wanted to see the sculpture, which turned out to be wise, because we
ended up back in the hotel room. I turned on the TV and I watched some shit
until finally I found SCROOGED, which I really happen to like, mainly
because of my hardon for Bill Murray. Oh yes, it's christmas time again.
Jamesy came to the room with a cast of thousands and I wanted to find
tasha, so we did, and when we did I said, "WHERE IS CAITLIN????????" and she
said, "I think she's trying to dry hump art in the boiler room." "Oh," I
said, "and where, my dear, would that be?" She brought me to mogel's room.
I think I had been in talking blues mode before that and when I met
caitlin I went totally insane and started screaming about laser tag and joel
slaughter and how I wanted to slip a knot around her throat. Styx asked me
to please stop talking about laser tag, and then ran out of the room. At
the time, it appears he did not know who I was, due to my earlier disguise
and deviant behavior. But I kept screaming at caitlin for quite a while and
then I think she left, because the next thing I remember is sitting next to
anjee and trying to battle her in a duel of mortal kombat. She was crying
because she left her magic mushroom power up at home, and I couldn't
conscience kicking her ass if she was still a 98 pound Billy without his
Shazam.
Uhm, the next thing I remember after that is going to watch Darwin
spazzing out in the pool, and trying to get keys to his car. Anjee dissed
me at some point during this, but had been replaced with TRILOBYTE and
NATARAJA, and I think at this point I knew I Needed kaia, so I went for her,
and then caitlin gave me some sort of body embrace in the hallway. Jamesy
was there, too.
So, er, we got the turbogfx-16 out of the car and I gave it to
trilobyte. He said "Thanks, man!#!!@#@!" and promptly disappeared back into
the Amiga 2000HD aether. So then we went back to phairgirl's room and /this/
party is incredibly hazy, because I can't tell you how I got from
phairgirl's room to Chinatown, eating chinese food with the RI/KAIA crew,
but somewhere in that period I grabbed caitlin's tit while pushing her off
anjee, and I think she grabbed my ass, and I'm sure I talked to anjee for a
long time.
When we came back from Chinatown, I left the somber RI crew behind
and migrated north to Phairgirl's sweet, where the ACTION was. I think I
insulted altrocks some, and then I freaked out on hardk0re, because he was
thinking about war, and I psi-corp'd it out of his brain, and I told him
about being in the SHIT. I think I threw him off the couch and sat down
next to caitlin and started telling her that altrocks was her ultimate
sexual destiny, and that she had to let him expand into her uncharted
horizions like Lewis & Clarke.
Next thing I know, I'n diggin' her back out in the dug out.
All good things, and Nybar did come a calling, "Aw shit, boys", so we
locked the door and got down, and I'm not going down to the well no more.
No, I ain't goin' down to the well now. Caitlin was my gansta bitch who
loved robbin' shit, and she TOOK IT.
That's right.
My virginity@!$!@!$
It was all a slow descent from there a slow slow slow descent from
there. Who cared anymore? I certainly didn't. I think I met caitlin's
mom, and I god damned know that anjee's dad had some underwear on his head
and vaguely resembling Jamie Summer getting trained on the tour bus.
Actually he seemed more like an Octoberfest reject come straight from the
resurrected hell of his own making. He was drunk he was drunk he was drunk
and I was not.
I was drunk only on love and the delights of the flesh.
There was some hijinks in the THE THE THE hallway, mainly just me
darwin, kaia, anjee, styx, kaia, kaia, kaia, caitlin, kaia, maybe tasha,
people. Nothing good. Art was pretty drunk. He was drinking in the
hallway style. But then we kept moving and going and I was in mogel's room.
Mogel was there, I think, but maybe he wasn't. He might have been
drunk as hell in Phairgirl's suite.
Styx was there. Anjee was there. Altrocks and ashtray heart were
there. Everybody was sitting around. Then there was some soulful folk
sessions goin on and all I could think to myself was "uhh... here I am
listening to people singing BLACK BIRD amongst others." Somewhere round
this point jubjub was busy sucking down more GHB. More nad more and more
and more GHB
Back in the Phairgirl room, mogel was getting strangled by Quarex.
Darwin was drunk. He was DRUNK as a SKUNK. I left him somewhere and
me, Kaia, jubjub, and Uh NYBAR went on downstairs to the room, just to
chill, and I think ol' Jamesy Jamesy came with, because I spent quite a bit
of time talking to him about DECWOLF and Usenet and Linux and sucky jobs,
and all manner of things. Yeah there was some good stuff goin' down in that
room.
I realized after a while that Darwin was GONE and hadn't come back,
and that all the fools around me were too high to perform a search and
destroy mission, so I went back into the shit. Yeah, I was in the shit. I
found him in Styx's room. Styx was on his bed with Anjee, and they were
looking like someone had been talking to them for quite a while, and lo and
behold, they had. Altrocks was there and so were some other people, I think
maybe hardk0re and ashtray heart, I don't really know, but they were there.
Peace to the devils.
It took me a while to get darwin out of there, and he had about 10
drinks and a fucking bottle of Tequiza without anyone worm, but he drank it.
We were all there. Yeah, finally I convinced him not to drink and then I
got him down to the room. On the way I confessed my HOOKUP with caitlin,
and he said,
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SHHIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT"
I think that aptly summed it up.
We got downstairs and Darwin started ranting at nybar and jubzie
about hip-hop. FOR SO LONG. I talked to jamesy so much, and we both
agreed, that indeed, Darwin was right when he said KRS-ONE was
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE". Kaia was just kickin it high styles on her bed.
Fine yes fine.
Jamesy and I got sick of how dope the scene was, so we went upstairs
to Phairgirl's sweet suite for a while, and it was just her there, but we
had a decent covnersation and I finally retreated back to the ROOM of DOOM,
and everyone was there.
Nybar and Jubjbu decided they were gonna go elsewherez after a while,
so it was just me and the Double Couple. I went into the bathroom to piss
and I heard their voices going low low low low low into the basement, and I
started reading the liner notes of a Parliament album, and there was a quote
by George Clinton said something like: "It if ain't nasty it can't be good,
and ain't nothing nasty that ain't good."
I came out and found our old Spanish friend Don Juan El Humperino in
full effect, and having nothing better to say, I said, "If it ain't nasty it
can't be good, and ain't nothing nasty that ain't good." An awkward pause,
so I, AIDS, offered again, "Well, I'm gonna go look for nybar and jubjub,
but uh, I don't know if they're awawke, so if they aren't I'm gonna come
back, but uh, you know, what I'm trying to say is just keep your clothes on
for ten minutes."
Ha ha ha ha h ah aha ha ha ha We all laughed! Ha aha haah ahah ha ha
Then I said, "If it ain't nasty it can't be good, and ain't nothing
nasty that ain't good."
Yeah. I left and started wandering around the hotel room for a
while, and finally, yeah, finally I found jubjub and nybar, but first I
accosted a group of kids who I thought were with the con but weren't, and
they said something like how the Hotel was out of Stanley Kubrick's
masterpiece "THE SHINING". Then me and the boys decided we needed to spend
5 hours waiting for tasha. We aited for tasha in the hallways, we waited
for tasha in front of the museum, we waited for tasha with the o.d.b..
Finally we just decided we couldn't take sitting around like idiots
in the hallway anymore, so we went to their room and sat around looking at
the body of altrocks. Around this time nybar started trying to fuck
altrocks, trying to rock that jew like he was usin' him, and just sticking
a dill pick in that butthole putting a Dill flesh cock in that bellybutton,
making it making it making it no stop never no, he's gonna fuck altrocks
like the bitch that fat piece of blubber is.
I'm going to fucking hunt him down with the Pesquod and I'm going to
fucking harpoon that piece of shit to death kil kilk kilk il,killkil yeah
we're gonna m,urder that fuckign fat piece of wahel
sheit raeefhefuyef aeyasejefaihjuaefjiofdaijoudfijofsdiojasdfijofasdi
ojfzxdijouv oufd awefhahaiuhfauhahfsaufasuo sdfijhsfadjoisgadioasfiojsr usag ihuasdfi
huasdf uhsfadhiup asdfiuhlfasdpi uasdfiuhp sfad ipuhsdfi huasdf
Yeah, then we were waiting for tasha again. So we started counting
how many times we heard showers coming from the room next door. Three
times, oh my god, they must all be showered and dressed, we can make love to
them! We can hang out and talk to someone other than each other!
Holy christ! They will be the only salvation of this entire
miserable wreck! Only in their faces can our promised land be found.
Unfortunately, they werent' awake and we had just been imagining the
showers. They were coming from other parts of the hotel. Art came and we
were art for a while but he didn't seem to like being with us very much but
we made him go and wake them up and then he left, but we waited.
Finally, tasha came to our room.
And we started to shake with nerves with pure love with absolutely
affection with miraculous with miracle with with with with oh my god it was
tasha it was the only thing we could ever want the only thing we could ever
ever want here she was oh my god we loved her we loved her we loved her we
love her she's here oh my god tasha yes please yes yes yes yes tasha thank
you god yes yes yes yes tasha yes a burst of sunshine and joy yers tawsha
yes yes we love you tasha we love you
We went next door, and nybar & jubjub got suckered into carrying some
shit, and I was like, "Oh yeah, I'll just talk to caitlin", but caitlin
spent about 45 minutes using the hair dryer so I didn't get to talk to her.
Finally we took her mom down to the car and put some shit in.
I found dylan in the parking lot and he said, "Aw baby, we're going,"
and I thought, "Couldn't be sooner, dog." We went and found dawn & darwin &
kaia and none of those mofos were looking particularly happy so I just
started whispering things to kaia, because I know I could get her devious
mind working.
I went with these fools to bring some shit down to the car. Fair
enough, and then we went through the lobby and I ran into caitlin and she
had some punk rock clown shoes in her hands, and I said, "Oh shit, that's
some shoes," and she said, "eBay baby, eBay baby, I gets down Baby, Uptown
baby!" So I think I just followed her around for a while until I had to
leave, and I was feeling mighty creeped out because she weren't really
talking to me and I was like, "oh shit, girl musta been drunk or some shit,
cuz she sure ain't trying to catch AIDS now."
But we eventually had to leave cuz I ran into my peepz and they
wanted to split, so we DID, but I said goodbye to the jubjub, nybar, tasha,
and caitlin crew, and caitlin gave me a rather warm hug, so I just
attributed her oddness to a lack of familiarity with daylight.
Then we got into the car and I went to sleep.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"Con-a-lingus"
by Altrocks
Okay... Well, first of all, the con was a success in terms of
partying. No one died, no one got arrested, and (hopefully) no one got
pregnant. Everyone was alot cooler in person than on IRC, but the entire
weekend felt like a giant interactive IRC chat. It was freaky. I'm just
gonna go down the list of people I mingled with and such and give my
thoughts on them since I went purely for the social aspect.
My Room mates:
Jubjub: He was pretty cool and all. A little quiet tho`. We didn't
hang out much, but he seemd like a good guy.
Nybar: Talk about the rapier wit. He was prolly the coolest person
at the con. He wanted to butt rape me on sunday morning as a means to wake
me up. It porlly would've worked too.
Other People's Room mates:
phairgirl: her suite of love only had one rule: No dying. We stuck
to that, but if there were any other rules, they would've or were broken.
She wasn't as antisocial as some would think, and in fact was quite fun to
be around.
stiks: He was the other coolest person at the con. He is probably
the funniest living human being I know. B00BS !
Mogel: He was "totally tweaked" as stiks put it. Mogel was just as
freaky and silly in person as he is on IRc, if not moreso. He spent some
time freaking teert's head on friday nite, and then Mogel'ed out in his
shower at 4 am. He was just fun incarnate.
Anjee: She played her guitar alot and sang alot. She does both very
well. She also wouldn't say aboot for us and told teerts "fuck you" for
trying to get ehr to say it.
Anjee's Dad: He had a bra on his head.
Caitlin: She was rather grrrr-like to me, but with good reason. :)
She also played anjee's guitar and sang alot, which she also does quite
well. Those two should pair up and do a duet sometime.
Tasha: Hrmmm... I think Lusch is the word I'm looking for. She was
completely inebriated saturday nite, and it showed. She was pretty funny
just cause of how drunk she was. :)
Ashtray Heart: He gets the Best Dancer award for ITIC. His jamming
out to Captain Beefheart and Magma totally amazed and amused me. Everyone
should see him od that at least once in their life.
Quarex: He was the sober and responsable one. Very scary thought.
He looks like a cross between Dr. Evil and Sloth. But he's funny shit. Him
and mogel wrestled a few times. Mogel lost. :)
Anongirl: She was cool. She made a much better Kanadian than anjee.
However, we didn't see alot of her after friday nite. She just disappeared
for some reason. I wonder what she could have been doing ?
SwissPope: He was an allright guy. But I didn't get to hang out with
him much after friday nite cause he mysteriously disappeared to. I wonder
what he could have been doing ?
Jamesy: All I have to say, I said at Johnny Rocket's in Philly,
"Zibble is French for asshole." Okay, so he wasn't that bad. In fact he
was an allright guy.
AIDS: AIDS was much cooler and funnier in person. And he convinced
Darwin to stop drinking. An accomplishment like no other.
Darwin: He spent about an hour talking to Neko about muscle tone and
excercise. He is also convinbced that his drug usage has given him the
super-human powers of sleeplessness and an endless stomach. He was pretty
knowledgable an funny.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"Nybarhyme"
by Nybar
*** Rhymed in the manner of The Last Emperor on Secret Wars ***
*** Not yet complete ***
*** This is just to whet your appetite motherfuckers, you can fuckin' listen
to this mp3 ***
Verse 1 - I Fuck AltRocks
--
Yo this is Nybar, from the Manhattan crew
Stoppin' so'z ta spin an ITIC review
When I got there, everybody was drinking
And that motherfucker AltRocks sure was stinkin'
Stinkin' DELICIOUS if you know what I mean
So I saddled up and rode him like a machine
I fucked his bellybutton, yo my morals sure is lax
Doubly so after my gerber pickle took him in the back
And to you heads thinkin' bad boys learn their lessons
After there was mayo on that sandwitch, I went back for seconds
--
Verse 2 - The Con on whole
--
Now this is the verse where I not only talk about Audrey being on Phil
But also drop mad observations in order to keep it ill
Can anyone tell me what went down with anjee and styx?
I was distracted by a brother called Ashtray Heart, sucking dicks
What else went on in that loud and drunken suite?
art got dissed had no chance ta let out the beast
2599 was passed among modem geeks
Brother that suite bathroom sho' does reek
Yo who's that nigga on tha couch...
Aw yeah that be AIDS got his fingah on the pulse of the nation
But could his other fingers be in tha pants of caitlin?
This shit was going down while I did trip
off the acid had my mind in its grip
Make me start talkin' about tekken 3
In the fightin' ring where I wanna be
Bustin' styles like mah man Jackie Chan
Or Krs-ONE
I fuck up tha True Ogre with Gon
Gun-Jack fly off?- I pelt him with de flan.
While I'm atz it... YO!
There was this lame character called gun-jack
He fly off whenever you hit de mat
even when you only in round ONE
he want to fly off early, let him use his GUN
Nigga.
---
Verse 3 - Observations about Darwin's rant
--
To Darwin, hey man thanks for putting up with my shit
Hollld up, what'm I talkin' about, you made it sound legit
With a rant to match mine, that shit went on for so long
My advice: instead of drinking, rip a hit from off da bong
Still I ain't angry, son it was gratifyin' to see
Someone actin' just about as crazy as me
Not many can match mah ramblings in terms ah words uttered
You're a jabberjaw samurai, didn't even stutter
And I can't TOUCH you in terms of crazy stuff done
Shit, you were FEELIN' tha KRS-1
Don't ever let anyone say you can't get down
Especially bumpin' to tha funky James Brown
You fell into the pit of complete insanity, I know cuz I've been there
before
Hell even without LSD mah foot's halfway in the door
Still, I don't often preach at people like tha pope
But once again I ain't angry: that shit was DOOPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"Dear Hawk"
by Mogel
Dear Hawk,
My dearest Hawk. I'm writing this letter with my deepest apologies.
I am sorry I convinced you to go to IThinkICon.
Don't get me wrong. I think you're a swell person and I enjoy
your company. It's quite possible that I was too blinded by your cuteness
to see the obvious inappropriate nature of your attendance. Quite simply,
you had no connection with the e'zine community whatsoever apart from me,
AIDS, and Darwin, and I'd imagine that this gathering ensured that.
Maybe the problem is really that you spent six hours in a car.
Maybe the problem is that we didn't plan to do anything particularly
interesting. Maybe the problem was just me.
Regardless, you obviously had a miserable weekend and I take the
full blame.
No, WAIT.
NO!
I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS AS THE END.
Obviously spending a weekend in a hotel with 40 drunk and/or Quarex
and/or high computer geeks would be a virtual cornucopia of enjoyment for
any living human being. Obviously it was just a problem that you didn't
know any of these people. That must be it. They are new people. I can
understand that.
You did meet almost everyone at the con, however, even if for a
minute or two. I think it's only appropriate that I introduce you to the
people that attended.
How about the people that you do know? First, myself. I'm Mogel.
I'M A SUCKER FOR YOUR LUCKY PRETTY EYES. Oops. I mean, uh, okay. You
know me. I was at the con, yes. I was very anti-social and extremely high
and/or Quarex and/or intoxicated for the majority of the weekend, which
might have also contributed to you and me not engaging in any WONDERFUL and
MEANINGFUL conversation. Because obviously I am capable of that any any
given moment. In reality, I'm a pretty unclever and immensely boring dork
who has some sort of very minimal iconic notoriety for writing really
stupid text files.
That sounds unhappy. I didn't mean it. I'M A PRETTY NICE GUY.
You also know Darwin. Or should I say... "KNEW" him? a-hee.
A-hehehe! Darwin also spent a great deal of time in great discomfort,
along with Db70 (AKA "THE HACKER"). Darwin finally cut loose Saturday
night getting extremely plastered and lecturing everyone in my hotel room
about The True Spirit of Hip Hop for hours. He also taught Neko the value
of staying in shape. He also said the word "doooope" an inconceivably
high number of times. I love that Darwin.
Kaia didn't do anything significant the entire time, I don't think.
She's Asian.
Oh, and there's AIDS. AIDS, who you've known for quite some time,
and I've been talking to since sometime around 1995, I finally got to meet.
AIDS, who is possibly my future FILM TOUR DE FORCE ARTISTIC PARTNER. AIDS
was remarkably... ungeeky. He was almost too cool for this con. Almost.
If not for the vixen from Michigan, that is.
So I've covered the people you know. Who don't you know? A WHOLE
SLEW OF FOLKS.
THERE'S FOLKS FROM ILLINOIS! Like SWISSPOPE, who was visible at the
con for a total of 15 minutes all weekend. NOBODY KNOWS WHY.
There's NEKO! Sometimes Neko is referred to as "The Lone Lover",
because he stalks out his prey (women) and when he finally makes his move,
they are swept away. Incidentally, if you ever want to read tons and tons
of the intricate details of Neko's life (who doesn't?), you should
*definitely* check out FLC: _Funky Llama Club_ for enough Neko to overflow
a mutated camel. Uhh.
There's also QUAREX! Me and Quarex wrestled. Quarex is very large
(head) and blonde and the ground shakes when he walks. We wrestled, of
course, because much like X-PAC, I just will not quit. Although I had a
series of successful leg drops, Quarex finished me off with a choke slam
from Hell.
OH MY GOODNESS, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY FORGET ART, DYLAN, AND
TRILOBYTE? THEY HAD A ROOM TOGETHER. IT HAD AN AMIGA. AND ALTROCKS.
ALTROCKS IS LARGE. ALTROCKS IS LOUD. TEERTS IS SILLY. TEERTS IS QUIET.
THEY ARE BOTH FROM SUBURBAN PENNSYLVANIA. MIASMA IS FROM NEW YORK. HE
USED TO DRAW ANSI. HE IS SHORTER THAN ME AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY
MORE SECURE BECAUSE I AM TREMENDOUSLY INSECURE. I FEEL THE POWER OF THE
UNIVERSE RIPPLING AND OOZING FROM MY FINGERTIPS. BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY
TEXT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN KEEP THIS UP. AAA!! AAA!!
(aaa?)
THERE WAS A SOAP OPERA. GIRLS FROM MICHIGAN WHO ARE 15 AND 16 MADE
ART'S HEART THROB. NYBAR HAD HIS NIPPLE PLAYED WITH. CAITLIN GOT WITH ONE
GUY AND DIDN'T GET WITH ANOTHER. I DON'T KNOW WHO IS DRUNK ANYMORE BY THE
TIME SATURDAY HITS BECAUSE I AM TOO DRUNK TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND I'M
SITTING ON A COUCH FOR THREE HOURS TALKING TO SEAYA AND PHAIRGIRL AND
ANYONE ELSE WHO STROLLED ALONG. WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY ROOM?
PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AROUND AT 5AM AND THERE'S AN AIR-HORN IN THE
POOL. AND 30 PEOPLE CRAMMED INTO A ROOM AND WOW IT'S HOT IN HERE. I
REMEMBER BEING SHY. I REMEMBER PEOPLE GOING IN AND OUR OF ROOMS. I DON'T
REMEMBER ANYTHING SPECIFIC. PEOPLE WERE SHIFTING IN AND OUR OF PLANES AND
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE, NOT HERE. I WAS IN THE ETHEREAL PLANE.
NYBAR AND JUBJUB WERE GENUINELY VERY COOL ALL WEEKEND AND THEY
TRAVELLED FROM NEW YORK WHICH RELATIVELY ISN'T THAT FAR. NOT FAR LIKE
ASHTRAY HEART, WHO TRAVELLED ALL THE WAY FROM KENTUCKY. HE FLEW HERE.
HE BARELY KNEW ANY OF THE HOE STAFF. HE WAS VERY FUN TO TALK TO AND, OF
COURSE, TREMENDOUSLY INSANE.
OKAY. OKAY. I AM SORRY FOR TYPING IN ALL CAPS.
okay..... okay........
phew.
Some more locals that came were Hardcore and Six, who came from the
delicious state of New Jersey. I didn't talk to either of them too much,
but they did surprise me as being far more normal than I expected. In this
case, that is a good thing. Also from New Jersey were Belial, Grey Hawk,
Mindcrime, and beXy's breasts. They stayed for about 30 seconds on
Saturday. Nobody noticed but me.
The Jester, Cap'n Sparky, and some guy with the handle V.A.N.C.E.
("I'm Firewater!") showed up. All of them from Philly and all of them
exceptionally nice. I'm glad they came... IN MY MOUTH. AHAHAHAHAHAHAA@#@
Sorry.
Uhm, I think I spoke to PezMonkey a total of 4 minutes. She
obviously hates my guts. Uhm, I believe Caitlin and Tasha were there...
oh yes, that's right. Caitlin's mom was insane. And so was Anjee's dad,
who came bursting into Phairgirl's suite wearing women's underwear on his
head, piss-drunk. That's my kind of dad. They drove Anjee to Philly.
Anjee is insane, too. It runs in the family. Nice girl, though. AnonGirl
was also there, I think, although I only saw her for a total of 15 minutes
the whole weekend. NOBODY KNOWS WHY.
I WOULD REALLY HATE TO LEAVE ANYONE OUT OF THIS. My roommate was
Styx. He was the drunk and funny guy. Mr. TanAdept was there and
extremely helpful in making this thing happen. 251. CATS. WAREZ. JAMESY
WAS THERE. HE WAS AMAZINGLY WELL BEHAVED AND ONLY MADE FUN OF ALTROCKS A
FEW DOZEN TIMES.
Hawk... are you still with me? Okay, I realize that you're probably
not. That's understandable. I tried to introduce you to some of the
writers of HOE E'zine, some of the attendees of IThinkICon, but I realized
that most of this stuff is pretty damn obscure. It's really just for the
writers, isn't it? I mean, what's the point of this review file? I mean,
how many of the people reading this immediately did a search for their
name? Probably all of them.
I don't blame them, Hawk. I don't blame you for hating me. This
whole e'zine business has driven a wedge between us and I don't know if it
will ever be repaired. This con truly was the strangest gathering of
computer people I've ever concocted. A con where the majority of the
people didn't know each other in RealLife(tm) ahead of time. This con,
OH-SO-CONVENIENTLY HELD 10 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE, held in the majestic city
of Philadelphia, *was* somehow a success. Almost everyone got along and
some silly times were had. But for every good thing that happens there is
a price. That price is a new born child.
*AND* our friendship.
BUT LET'S NOT STOP LOVING EACH OTHER, HAWK.
LET'S NOT LET ENTROPY HAVE IT'S WAY. LET'S TAKE OUR FISTS, HAWK,
AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT INTO THOSE PIGS FUCKING FACES!
ARE YOU WITH ME?
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"IThinkICon Review"
- by anjee
ITIC was by far one of my favorite internet gatherings. Love, hate,
sexual acts, frustration were all present, as well as approximately 40
entirely different personalities.
I, after a dreaded 8 and a half hour drive from Montreal, Qc with my
parents, arrived at the Best Western in Philadelphia where the con was being
held. As suggested, i requested the "ITIC check-in room" number and was on
my merry little way to what was later known as one of the 2 "popular" rooms.
Of course, when I first entered the designated room, I didn't think I was in
the right room. That's when I saw Caitlin's blood red hair and was proved
otherwise.
Soon enough, more people arrived and Mogel's room was filling up
mighty quickly. Some headed out for alcohol, and a portion of the group
split and headed to phairgirl's suite of love.
AIDS brought his banjo. Ashtray Heart brought an insane amount of
annoying music CDs as well as a hardhat so the maggots would not fall onto
his head. I brought my guitar. TanAdept brought boardgames and Altrocks
(who was later found being rather intimate with Nybar) brought condoms. As
predicted by Mogel from the ITIC mailing list before the con, there was
hardly any sexual activity. To my knowledge, there was 2 links- one being
secret_.
Friday night, the majority of the con attendee's were rather drunk
and/or tripping, the suite got pretty loud so I eventually migrated to
Mogel's room which was, compared to the suite, rather calm. I must have
blocked some events out except for Quarex incessantly running into the door
in an rather successful attempt to make me laugh. Casey played left-handed
on my right handed guitar, as well as signing it with his own blood! Other
than that, all I can remember is alcohol alcohol alcohol, loud voices, loud
voices, loud voices.
Saturday morning, at approximately 7 am Mogel finally entered the
Mogel-room. Teerts and Altrocks eventually left, and Mogel took a shower.
This is when the remainders, this being Jamesy, styx and I had the
oppurtunity to experience Mike _mogel-out_ in the shower. Mogeling out
would best be described with squeaks, yelps, followed of what seems to be
Mogel playing around with the water and other cute noises of the sort.
The rest of the day was pretty much the same as Friday night, perhaps
not as eventful though. Trilobyte let me wear his looks-like-its-from-
hawaii shirt! A few of us chilled in the hall for a while, and soon Casey
and I would head over to Mogel's empty room to read "WHO ARE THE GIDEONS" in
the bible. Teerts soon joined in also, and later many many e'ziners flocked
back in, disrupting the calmness. Darwin gave rather interesting speeches
although i incidently forgot what the hell they were about. AIDS later came
back to fetch darwin in order to bring his drunk self back to wherever he
was rooming.
Soon came Sunday morning when everybody was busy cleaning up the
totally wrecked rooms and give goodbye hugs and handshakes. Pretty soon
there was only Mogel, Nybar, jubjub, Styx, AnonGirl, kaia and I that were
left. We all went to Mogel's, where everybody eventually took a little
collective nap.
AnonGirl & I took a taxi back to the hotel and stayed sunday night in
my parents' room and left as well on monday. That pretty much resumes my
ITIC fun-filled weekend.
Oh! I forgot about the hardk0re/six/miasma tongue-ear sex and the
the non-functional toilet. And Styx deep throated a beer bottle. That is
all, I believe.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"I Think I Con, 1999 (Part 2)"
by Caitlin
Not having the slightest clue what to expect, Tasha and I arrived in
Philadelphia at about 1:00 PM. We drove through the actual _ghetto_ of
Philly until we found the street the hotel was on. Then we drove down this
street about 5 times, finally stopping to ask for directions at a gas
station. The weekend was to be one that I'll remem... actually.. nevermind.
I had the neatest idea, for a text file, you know, about ITIC,
because like... I read a few of them, before the actual release came out,
and I wanted to make mine a little different, for variety. So, I'm going to
write a paragraph on every person I met at the con! If I leave anyone out,
I am truly sorry, this just means you didn't have a lasting effect, or else
you just didn't affect me too much. Fasten your seat belts!*@(&#!*&@*!#*!
In Random Order:
Altrocks: I didn't interact with Altrocks a lot, and I did this
purposely. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that he was so
damn annoying, he might even be nice. He threw a condom at
my head when Art and I were in Mogel's room. It was just his
stupid sense of humor that gnawed at my patience, that's all.
Miasma: Brad was actually quite rad! The first thing I said to him
is "Wow. You're short!" I think that may have been a bad
thing to introduce myself with, but hey, at least I was
honest! He gave me an incredible foot massage which was
really awesome, because I tend to shy away from feet I don't
know. Yeah.
Jubjub: Chris is definately one of my favorite people I got to meet.
He was pretty laid back at the con, but I'm not sure if that
was the drugs, or what. He gave me an organic peach, which
wasn't ripe, but it was still really good. He helped me find
Tasha when she disappeared into Nybar's room. He is Nybar's
brother.
Nybar: I didn't really talk to Nybar much either, but he was nice
when we did talk. He captured Tasha and took her down into
his hotel room of love... where somehow she ended up wearing
his boxer shorts and he had on her socks. He is Jubjub's
brother.
TanAdept: I had met g0ff previously, when he came to my hometown
specifically to pet my cats. He's interesting, and he makes
me laugh. He has long hair, and a cat named Anna. She is
orange.
Styx: I had also met Matt previously, when I visited him in
Pennsylvania in April! Matt rocks, actually, just so you all
know, in case you don't. I didn't talk to him much at the
con, except when I would be like "Hey Matt!" and he'd be like
"WORD CAITLIN!" well... he only said that on friday, when he
was really drunk, but you know, it's all good. I took a
picture of Matt's ass.
The Jester: I said Hi! and Bye! to him, although we never talked. But, i
did remember meeting him, so....
Phairgirl: Phairgirl was neeeeeat! Her suite was where almost all the
drinkin' went down, and I borrowed her bed for like a half
hour. I hope she doesn't mind.
Hardcore: Harvey was really orange!!!!! He was really nice too, he
gave me a CD that didn't work. But, I mean, I know he must
have worked hard on it, for a long time, maybe, or something.
agh.
Six: Six was nice! I didn't talk to her much. She puked and
flirted with Brad.
Mogel: I thought mogel really didn't want to be there, seriously. It
made me sad!!!! But, uhhh, it was fun and nice to see him.
When I was leaving, he smooshed my boobie.
AIDS: I was going to save the best for last, but you know... I'll
just put it here! whee! So... I met Jarett on Saturday,
since he arrived too late on Friday, and I was already
asleep. I saw him, and just stared at him a lot. I don't
know why, but I couldn't seem to stop. Instead of staring at
the bottles of liquor, or the billions of ashtrays, or the
ugly paintings on the walls, I just stared at him, catching
his eyes a lot, never feeling uncomfortable, never averting
them. But yeah, so we talked a bit, and he was interesting.
He kept telling me to get with Altrocks though, to get a
laugh out of me. which, obviously, I think i laughed at a
lot of things he said. No, I was not drunk, unfortunately.
Finally, we decided to go talk more, where people wouldn't
bother us. Heh Heh Heh >:) Actually... Jarett is definately
one of my favorite people I met too. He was like ... a break
in the storm... the eye of my hurricane... and... he's coming
to visit in 12 days. *#(!*@()!&*$#(!&@*!&#*(!&@(*!$
PezMonkey: Linds surprised me. I didn't know what to expect when I met
her, and she turned out to be just as sweet and stuff as the
linds I have known over the computer for 3 years. I never
imagined I'd meet her. Craziness.
AnonGirl: I didn't see much of audrey at the con. ehehehehehhehehe I
did talk to her a few times, which was rad. She was
interesting, and was COOL, and all that good canadian stuff.
Art: Actually, a lot of my weekend was spent with art. He made it
more enjoyable, although somewhat uncomfortable. The first
day I got there, several people informed me that he kept
staring at me, and that i was being subjected to the usual
"art macking" which, at first, didn't seem to be so bad.
But, eventually, we ended up alone in a hotel room together,
and I didn't know what to do. He was nice, very good
looking, funny, goofy...but I couldn't bring myself to cheat
on my boyfriend. Although, when I left and went to the
suite, everyone was like "SO IS THERE A NEW LINK ON THE
CHART?!?!?!" and uh, I got to reply with "why, no! of course
not!" On saturday, art and i flirted more, except it was
more casual this time, which was comfortable and fun. Art
was a really nice guy, but I did hurt his feelings, which was
totally unfair of me. I'm pretty selfish sometimes. Sorry,
art.
Tasha: yeah, I was going to save the best for last but, uhhh... i
already used this line, shiiiite nigga. Uhm.. Tasha is my
best friend, from WAYNE MICHIGAN, so I don't need to tell you
about her. But, I will tell you about her and the con. She
was PLASTERED on saturday. It was so amusing. At one point,
she disappeared into the abyss of Nybar and Jubjub's room
with nybar for an hour. Yeah. She played with his nipples.
Nothing more. nothing less.
Trilobyte: I didn't see much of tim the entire weekend either! he was
playing on his computer a lot. but he did tell me about some
restraunt in his home town with art. it was neat!
Tortoise: I didn't talk to dylan much either. BUT, his hair is
incredible.
Ashtray Heart: I didn't talk to him a lot either. ALTHOUGH, he does listen
to the best band in the world, Maschina.
Darwin: Darwin ranted about vegetarianism and health to me for about
a half an hour. It was a really interesting conversation
actually, and it was neat listening to him sing pink floyd
when he was really drunk.
Kaia: Kaia had the most incredible dress on on Saturday. I didn't
talk to her much either, except for an occasional smile and
hi in the hallway, or whenever we bumped into each other.
Anjee: I have met angie once last year. SHE ROCKS. I don't really
have much to say, because I am really tired of thinking about
ITIC by this time. But, we played guitar and sang in the
hotel room a bit, which rocked. She was smiley, and giggly,
and fun, and I wish I would have got to see her more!
Teerts: He was at ITIC?? ERRR.. just kidding. He didn't talk at
all. Not once. I swear!
Neko: haha, I first was introduced to him by art, who whispered
about how hairy and annoying he was in my ear. but, no,
really, Neko was neat. He wasn't annoying at all! he was
amusing!!!!
Jamesy: At first I saw Jamesy and felt sorry for him. Basically,
because the way he was dressed, I assumed that he wasn't in a
good money/home situation, and I took pity on him. But,
after listening to him talk about his torn up jeans, and ugly
Pez shirt, I just figured he dressed like that by choice.
Actually, Jamesy was really nice at the con, but I think it
was just PR. He was funny when he made fun of Altrocks,
though.
Swisspope: AT FIRST, is screamed at Phil about singing for me, and he
just looked at me weird. I think he was nervous and freaked
out by the whole deal. Finally, he drank a bunch and started
singing a lot. it was rad. then he disappeared for the rest
of the weekend.
Quarex: hahaha, besides the fact that he kept sitting on Tasha's lap,
quarex did funny things. When Art and I were in Mogel's room
alone, Quarex and Styx busted in and pulled down their pants
and started ranting about Sega and other game systems. That
was the COOLEST thing anyone has every done for me in my
life. Seriously.
Kasey: He taught me how to play "Closer to Fine" on guitar.
Seaya: The only reason art flirted with me is because she ignored
him! blame her!! everyone!!!!! anyways, uh leah was really
cutesy in real life, especially when she said "Do you wanna
link....?" with that cute leah voice and cute leah face. It
was tempting, but more awkward then anything. She
disappeared a few times too.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"lazy hazy crazy days of summer"
--phairgirl
Someone knocked like crazy at my front door. It was a nice silly man
who wanted to pet my cats; it was Mr. TanAdept! My mom looked scared as
hell, remembering the crazy Chinese man who once bumbled through these doors
who also came from the Big Scary Internet, yet politely manages not to
explode once he was in sight. Maybe it's because THIS ONE wasn't so damn
ugly and stupid and horrible.
And suddenly, I am on the road to THE CON: first stop, Chicago.
I felt like I was in high school again, thrown back to the days of
hanging with the silly people that suckered me into playing Magic: The
Gathering and dance around in public singing Monty Python songs and sit for
hours watching bad British sci-fi. Obviously, this took some time to
adjust; that crazy High School Savings Time carries some serious jetlag.
It was all interesting and great fun, though. Spending my time
around my hometown talking about hamburgers and marijuana gets really old,
and having INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION for the first time in years is always
good. It's also nice to gawk at computer parts, pet a very cute tiny old
cat with no teeth that likes to lick my forehead (ANNA!), and hear "Fish
Heads" multitudinous times until it pours back out of my ears. It was still
awkward, though. I was still stuck in Lame Dubuque Mode.
The next day, we were off again, this time picking up another
not-so-awful-to-look-at-with-long-hair person, Mr. Jamesy, which of course
made the trip so UTTERLY MISERABLE that I could HARDLY STAND IT. Because,
as we all know, there's nothing worse than traveling in a car halfway across
the country with two intelligent long-haired guys.
I believe I will digress on my hair fetish for now.
There was a lot of talking during that car ride; I don't remember
much of it, because plenty consisted of oldschool in-jokes and smart
computer things that a lame college dropout like me couldn't begin to
understand. I played with Pikachu a lot, and even though I suck at every
game I have ever touched except for Tetris, I still managed to feel decently
adequate. And, of course, there was always That Darn Cat!
Scary Thing #1: The First Hotel Stay
I was so tired. I was so paranoid. Do I stay up really late with
the crazy guys inventing a Magic game involving cats and computers and
warez, or do I simply hope REALLY HARD that I don't snore? That was the
scariest moment of my life; the last thing I wanted was for the entire
population of people that I had never met in my life to hear about my LOUD
OBNOXIOUS SNORING that kept everyone else awake. I couldn't help it, I was
really tired, so I fell asleep. I later learned that I snored quietly. I
felt much better. Snoring quietly is almost as good as snoring cutely.
The next day of driving was considerably nicer, as we arrived in
Philadelphia at a decent hour, and stumbled upon the Best Western. It was a
considerable feat securing the SUITE OF LOVE, as they first attempted to
give me a one-bed room, and then my suite door would not open. The hotel
people sent a very big scary African man to knock down my door... and there
it was.
I had met up with a chunk of people in Mogel's Room 326, which was so
completely surreal, mostly because I was being highly social. We later
migrated to the SUITE OF LOVE (Rules: No Dying Allowed) and I managed to
chat up with a fair amount of the general population. Never mind that my
horrid toilet was clogged.
I went to IThinkICon and I brought...
1. A 12-pack of Mr. Pibb for Hardcore
2. A stick figure nudie deck for Mogel
3. A camera to catch everyone looking dumb
4. NOT MY SHAMPOO because I managed to leave it at MR. TANADEPT'S
APARTMENT!
My suitemates included Seaya (whom everyone had told me was really
annoying, although I thought she was cool and fun and interesting and
stuff), Neko (who made me drink bad liquor), Teerts (who was pretty
reserved, but still damn cool), and Quarex (who scared the living shit out
of me but had long hair so I was very torn). Anjee was SUPPOSED to room
with us too, but she wimped out.
(To de-complicate things, when I came back to work, I told everyone
that I had roomed with a cute little lesbian, a professional drunk, a crazy
pierced up guy, and a big scary wrestler that could eat my head.)
The first night was still really odd. Luckily, alcohol managed to
keep me social and much less inhibited, and I pulled off the Happy Hostess
in the Suite of Love thing halfway decently. I also drank gin straight for
the first time, and I simply could not get over how badly it smelled like
pine needles. I don't really remember much else, except simply how damn
cool everyone was and how I was scared to death of the tyrannical coolness
that is Quarex, and eventually bunking down on the floor talking to Mr. Neko
after a 3am walk through the hotel wearing our skivvies.
Day two was considerably interesting; I ventured my sorry little
small town Iowan ass out into the big frightening world of the streets of
Philadelphia. I wandered aimlessly with Seaya, Altrocks, Teerts, Jamesy,
TanAdept, Six, Hardcore, and Neko. We ate at a cheesy little '50s diner, we
took a walk to Zipperhead, we laughed, we cried. I was in complete
amazement the entire time. Somehow, though, it felt completely natural.
Scary Thing #2: The Acid Flashback, Or Something
Back at the hotel, it was mingle-frenzy like usual. For some reason,
something wasn't right, though. I had to get away from the crowd (which was
sad, because Mr. TanAdept was breaking out the Cosmic Encounter and I wanted
to play). I went into the backroom of the suite and started freaking out.
I could have sworn that someone slipped me some crazyass psychedelics; I
couldn't breathe, everything was spinning, it was not cool at ALL. Finally,
luckily, I fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up, I was still in a
highly agitated state, although it was wearing off quite nicely.
All I remember from that point in time was yelling at Mr. AltRocks
for starting shit on fire. I REALLY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE START SHIT ON FIRE.
So, in my only unnice moment, I threatened his life with a nice colorful
array of expletives. It felt good to vent.
Soon I was better and ingested nice amounts of alcohol. I had to
roomsurf to find the proper ingredients to my drink that I invented. It was
a wussy drink alcohol-wise, but it was very tasty.
3 parts Diet Coke (because the vending machine was out of Coke)
2 parts rum
1 part Kahlua
I made many of these and visited many people, including Mr. Trilobyte
in Room 357. He had the BIG AMIGA in his room, and I was in utter amazement
the entire time. There were a lot of big brains floating around in there,
and there's nothing I value more than intelligent conversation. I was
amused for quite a while, before I surfed back into the sheer non-reality
that was my SUITE OF LOVE.
And now: WHAT I THOUGHT OF EVERYONE. Why? Because it's a
prerequisite to any file about meeting a large group of people for the first
time, right?
Miasma: RAWK. Mr. Miasma was Da Shit. I can't even define it.
Jubjub: That's one scary looking kid. I didn't talk to him much at
the con, unfortunately.
Nybar: His hair was the exact same as my first boyfriend. In fact,
he reminded me of my first boyfriend in general, except
without all that fucking-my-best-friend shit.
The Jester: I'm glad I could meet him for twelve minutes.
Styx: Styx was superrad. Superrad. I wish I could've talked to
him more, but so many chicks were busy macking on him.
Anjee: She ditched my suite! That bitch! (Not really, Anjee was
funny and cute, so she's excused.)
Quarex: I had been rumored to call Quarex a "supreme hottie" over
various ICQ chats. He needs to face up to this fact.
Trilobyte: Smart people rule. He would make a really good mass
murderer.
Ashtray Heart: Suspiria! Doctor Who! Who could ask for more?
Grey Hawk:
Mindcrime: I remember them being in my suite, all mingly and such. I
beXy: wish I knew them.
Belial:
Teerts: I wished he were more social, because he was very cool when
he was talking and stuff.
Cap'n Sparky: I felt really bad for kicking Cap'n Sparky out of HOE right
Firewater: before ITIC. Luckily he didn't kill me or anything. They
were both way rad, and Firewater liked my drink.
Tortoise: He had really rad hair.
Swiss Pope: Originally I had wanted to hang out with Mr. Swiss Pope more,
but he mysteriously disappeared.
AnonGirl: She seemed cool for the twelve minutes that I saw her before
she mysteriously disappeared.
Tasha: Tasha looks like Tasha sounds and Tasha writes! It's
amazing! She was great entertainment and I found her very
genuine.
Jamesy: He says what he thinks. I wish I wasn't such a wuss.
(Notice how I never say bad things about anyone?)
Goddamn, there were a lot of people.
Caitlin: She looks a lot like my sister, but without all the flaky
attitude that goes along with her. Honestly, if I would've
seen Caitlin outside of ITIC, I never would have talked to
her because my sister has traumatized me for life.
Hawk and DB70: Hey, I saw them once.
Hardcore: He was orange! He was orange in a GOOD WAY! He was very
rad, even though he likes Mr. Pibb.
Six: Ms. Six was extremely cool. If I had to live in Jersey, I
would want to hang out with her.
Art: Art was so silly! I wanted to pin a big "silly" sign to his
head.
Darwin: I don't remember Darwin much: he was here, he was there, he
was everywhere!
Neko: He convinced me to drink gin, we talked a lot but I was too
buzzed to remember what we talked about. I just remember
coolness.
PezMonkey: I didn't get to talk to her much either. She was an enigma.
AIDS: I also wanted to hang out with Mr. AIDS more, because he was
quite neat, but he had a hidden agenda for big sex with small
children.
AltRocks: He had his finer, more amusing moments, contrary to popular
belief, just as long as he wasn't starting fires.
Kaia: I didn't see her much. She was so cute I wanted to put her
in a box.
Seaya: If I were a lesbian, I'd do her. But as for reality, she was
very high on the radness scale. I wish there were more cool
females like her in my stupid hickland.
Mogel: Mr. Mogel was so quiet and shy! He seemed cool enough though
but I still feel like I never met him at all. The enigma
lives on!
The night was very social, and more people fought to write for
2599.5. Silly Cat Comix were read OUTLOUD, which was a very special moment
for me, since the comix were how I found this nutty crowd in the first
place. I eventually ended up kicking everyone out around 5am to attempt
some semblance of sleep. However, that never looked like it was going to
happen, with AIDS and Jamesy popping by for some fun and enlightening
conversation.
The next morning, the official END OF THE CON, just came way too
soon. Everyone gathered and talked each other into oblivion until we were
all kicked out of our rooms and forced to leave. Mr. Jamesy had decided to
ride with another tribe, as they were spending the night with yet another
scene fiend somewhere in Ohio, Mr. Murmur. So, Mr. TanAdept and I left to
drop Ms. Seaya off at the train station, and soon, we were on our way to
Indiana, Pennsylvania, and later, back home.
Insane facts from my entire vacation:
1. I traveled the farthest of anyone to go to ITIC.
2. Indiana, Pennsylvania has no streetlights. I still can NOT get
over this.
3. Upon leaving the SUITE OF LOVE, there were 2 full cases of empty
bottles and 3 garbage bags full of trash.
4. After growing tired of the same ten CDs for the drive back to
Chicago, TanAdept and I bought ten new CDs.
Now I know what you're thinking: The con is now over in your file!
What more could you possibly write about? Well, the con lasted a FULL WEEK
for me, dammit.
The day in Indiana, PA wasn't exciting, as I spend most of the day
either writing for 2599 or sitting on the lawn outside of the Indiana
University of Pennsylvania talking to Mr. TanAdept waiting for the big scary
UNIX machine to stop being stupid and be happy and smiling. It was much
nicer this time around, because I had gotten so silly and crazy over my trip
that I could be myself, and could finally carry on decent conversation.
We crashed the night just outside of Ohio, still in Pennsylvania, in
a hotel that had... CATS running around outside! It was a good omen for the
remainder of the trip, which went very well.
Upon arrival back in Chicago, Mr. TanAdept stumbled upon WAREZ, and
the night was completely fulfilled. I sat back and watched, as I am a game
moron, and am mesmerized by anything with buttons and a screen. Anna
lap-surfed and got some nice new pictures taken, and everything was
comfortable and happy.
Then I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to ride the oh-so-
thrilling Greyhound Bus back to Dubuque. With five minutes to spare, I
dragged myself away from the most fun I've had in a long time, and back into
THE UTTER FUN AND JOY THAT IS MY LIFE AND MY HOME AND MY JOB AND...
UGH.
Scary Thing #3: Post-Fun Depression
If everyone thought I complained about my hometown before, well, now
I'm utterly unstoppable. I'm fed up and frustrated with all the people I
know because they bore me to tears and drive me crazy. I really, REALLY
miss having decent conversation with sentient beings. And to think, me, as
much of a recluse as I am, dying to socialize. I guess I discovered the
real reason why I'm so damn anti-social.
I can't say that my personal recovery from IThinkICon has been easy.
I am sad and alone and full of super angsty badness. If nothing else, it
has definitely stuck a fire under my ass to get registered for classes this
fall so I can finish my education and get the hell out of this town. In the
meantime, however, I WANT TO DIE.
Welcome to Wendy's, can I have a ride back to Philly?
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"My ITIC Review"
by Jamesy
A terrible tragedy overshadowed any fun I could have had at ITIC.
Everyone else seemed to ignore it, but I could not. AIDS and I had become
rather friendly, sort of online buddies, one might say. So it disturbed me
greatly when no one else seemed to take notice that he must have taken
multiple hits of acid laced with something quite awful. Why else would he
have acted so insane as ITIC drew to a close? Why else would he have gotten
with caitlin?
The effects of these hits must be long-term, too, as he is heading to
Michigan within the month.
So, to Jarett Kobek, to mourn the intellectual loss of one of our
great ezine minds, I dedicate the following Pink Floyd lyrics:
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG,
YOU SHONE LIKE THE SUN!
SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!
NOW THERE'S A LOOK IN YOUR EYES,
LIKE BLACK HOLES IN THE SKY!
SHINE ON YOUR CRAZY DIAMOND!
YOU WERE CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
OF CHILDHOOD AND STARDOM,
BLOWN ON THE STEEL BREEZE!
COME ON YOU TARGET FOR FARAWAY LAUGHTER,
COME ON YOU STRANGER, YOU LEGEND, YOU MARTYR, AND SHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #750 - BY: VARIOUS ARTISTS - 7/24/99 ]