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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #742
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Lesser Creatures
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 (and World Domination)"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Paganini
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/22/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Okay. It was a dark and dreary night. Well, actually it was mid-
evening and things were looking pretty good, but things were about to get
worse. I was just about to get something out of the cabinet in my bathroom
when... dun dun dun... I saw it. The little thing was moving faster than I
could process its movements. It sneered at me and I instantly identified it
as a ((Dun Dun Dun)) earwig! (Enter bloodcurdling screams here.)
Let me give readers a little background here. I hate earwigs. I
have a sincere prejudice against them. I can handle any other animal,
insect or extraterrestrial being but I cannot and will not handle earwigs.
This is why....
Earwigs are evil. It has been clearly addressed by most (or at least
some) religious groups that earwigs are evil. Earwigs are little tools of
Satan. They run around trying to get you to sin. I met an earwig once. It
told me to kill my brother and run off and worship a golden roach. They are
evil. I think that if one were to look very closely they would see the sign
of the pentagon etched across their terrible little earwig backs. In fact,
I'm sure of it. Also, if further evidence is needed, one may simply look at
their devil-like horns . . . disguised as antennae.
Earwigs are responsible for many diseases. It was an earwig, not a
rat, that caused the bubonic plague. You see, what they do is they go out
and find the worst diseases they can and they spread them to as many humans
as possible. (Motivated by evil, of course.) Earwigs give people colds.
Earwigs are responsible for the hair loss in most men. Earwigs cause
salmonella and they are also responsible for the deadly virus known as AIDS.
You thought it was sexually transmitted, but no, all earwigs. Earwigs are
bad.
Earwigs cause public disputes. Hitler was an earwig. They are mean
little creatures. They do not like anyone. They do not even like other
earwigs. That is why you never see them in large clusters and that is why
children never sit around watching earwigs play. They do not play. Their
only mission in life is to ruin the human life we know and love. They start
riots. They were responsible for most of the pillaging in L.A. Earwigs
like to start gangs. They are responsible for most of the narcotics on the
street. Earwigs are not good.
They are assassins of joy.
Earwigs cannot dance. They do not write. They do not draw. They do
not serve any purpose on this great green earth. Their only goal is to
torment us. They have collective earwig meetings in which evil plans to
ruin human happiness are created.
Attempts should be made to end things for these awful little beings.
Someone needs to put them in their place. For, what kind of world do we
live in, if we cannot get something out of our bathroom cabinets without an
earwig trying to rough us up. Here's my point: We shoot trespassers don't
we? Why not shoot the earwigs? (Never mind.) Why not do something to the
earwigs? Think about it. They are always there. They are watching me type
this . . . waiting to spring at any given moment. They are in our showers;
hiding behind the soap. They are in our kitchens, watching us wash our
tomatoes. They are everywhere, and they are laughing at our futile attempts
to live happy lives. Something must be done!
Here is my plan.
We fool them for a little while. You know, make them believe they
are welcome. We befriend them. Then, when they least expect it, we spring.
We claim our homes back from this hideous infestation and we proclaim
ourselves happy, healthy and earwig free. For only after we rid ourselves
of these oppressive insects shall we truly be free. Thank you and Gods
bless America.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #742 - WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 7/22/99 ]