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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #703
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 "The Biggest, Largest, Most
888 888 888 888 888 Exciting Heist Of All Time
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 (Part 1)"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Nybar
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/1/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Guy Carpenter was a lout. Not a good, likeable kind of lout either;
just a big lug who enjoyed drinking beer and watching TV. He was rather
skilled at making people (especially women and the elderly) pity him though,
so he wasn't completely useless. As a matter of fact, he got more then his
reccomended daily allowance of sex (from the former) and money (from the
latter). He managed to spend all of his money as soon as he got it...
didn't matter though. That was life. That was hustling.
Nybar wanted to be left alone. But stories had to be written, h0e's
had to be made. He had mostly moved on to other things, hung up his 'zine
making hat...But Mogel thought he was ready for one last story, to go out
with a bang. He didn't have the energy to write, but he and a few of his
buddies had a different, entirely more dangerous idea.
Keith Velasquez was a stereotype come alive: a 20-something Latino
crackhead, ready to do anything for money. He had no idea what he was
getting himself into.
Mogel was always on the prowl for a submission to h0e. Little did he
suspect, Nybar was in desperation as a writer. Nybar was ready to push it
past the limit of even what Mogel was willing to endure for a new
submission. So it begins:
Mogel: "Nybar, you don't have to go through with this. Why don't you
just write something?"
Nybar: "Wait a sec-- COFFEE YOU FUCK!...Such shitty service."
The Waitress: "Could you please not scream obscenities? The
elderly folks that come in for the Crazy Al's Sausage Special
get riled."
She smiles sweetly, hoping to placate Nybar with this move straight
from the Waitresses' handbook.
Nybar: "Look, don't smile at me, don't make demands of me, just do
what I say. That's the quickest route to me getting OUT of
here, which is what you want. Kind of like blackmail. And
remember this" he wags his finger in her face "don't try to
evict me, for though it might be your resteraunt, the world
is MINE, or at least my lack of social inhibitions is such
that this is the de facto truth."
The Waitress: "Fuck you, sir." She sickeningly smiles again and then walks
back to the kitchen.
Nybar: "And don't forget the coffee!"
"Why don't you leave her alone? She's just doing her job!" This is
from an elderly man with an old NY Jewish type accent in the next booth.
Nybar: "Stop eavesdropping you fuck. I'll drop you like a stump, and
any the rest of you that fuck with me!"
Nybar waves his cane menacingly at the elderly. They don't really
seem to care, but then again most elderly are drugged up, especially those
in resteraunts at 4 AM.
Mogel: "Er, back on the subject of the project--"
Nybar: "What project?"
Mogel: "THE ONE WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT. I think it's a good idea
if you must... and if you're sure you can avoid the <ahem>
consequences."
Nybar: "Oh yes, the defences will be no match for me... I'm well
prepared. As you know, my experience in international
espionage, catburglary and my knowledge of Aztec religious
texts is unmatched. Plus, I've enlisted an elite strike
force."
Mogel: "You mean the crack head and the washed up loser?"
Nybar: "Careful, they're listening over a wire I'm wearing."
Mogel cracks a smile against his will, and eventually nervously, self
conciously laughs... a pathetic display.
Mogel: "You take an idiot beer-guzzling loser and a crack head and
make them into the CIA." Mogel laughs
Nybar: "Skills, eh? Now, all we need for this, uh, project--" he
coughs nervously "--is a girl to lure them out."
The Waitress returns with the Coffee
Nybar: "And I think we know how to find that."
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TO BE CONTINUED.
Next: Chapter 2: The Gathering Storm
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #703 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 7/1/99 ]