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$$$$$$$$$$ "GNOSIS: THIRD INSTALLMENT" $$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$ by: Kreid $$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$ HOE #700 - 7/1/99 $$$$$$$$$$$$
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[Continued from HOE #501 & 641.]
- Chapter 21
Thinking about Katherine's death, I concluded that the most
important thing for me was to not be too dramatic about it. These things
happen all the time, after all. I should mourn her no more than I mourned
the last thing I owned ? that is, my car. That car and I had a lot of
potential together. Had I not destroyed it so early in this span of memory
I've been having, it could have changed my life completely. With that car,
I could be living in New York right now, if I could ever find it. Not that
I'd ever want to, of course, but it would be a possibility. I'm just not
sure if there are enough possibilities in my life right now.
I felt really dirty, from god knows how many days without bathing or
changing my clothes. There wasn't much to do about it, though; for obvious
reasons I didn't feel like going back to the laundromat. I regretted not
having taken advantage of Katherine's shower; that is, if she had one.
[-----]
- Chapter 22
It occurred to me at that time that I would almost certainly never
see my old home, my writer's laptop, my music, or anything resembling my
former life, ever again. I had become almost certain in my own mind that
Elizabeth Moon's apartment would contain these long-lost parts of my self,
but I knew with even more certainty that I could never return there. It
would be too risky; I had to avoid an encounter with the police. I know
that I have committed no crimes, but I seem to have intimate connections
to several; therefore I must stay away from the law at all costs. In fact,
I must disappear from this town entirely. Of all the things I knew, I was
completely doubtless of that, and only that.
I thought back to the first time I was jailed, or at least the first
time that I can (almost) place in my memory. The police in this town would
recognize my face. They certainly knew me as a criminal, although I can't
remember what crime it was that caused me to wake up in jail that morning.
Probably nothing too serious, considering they released me so quickly? that
is, assuming it was only one night that I had blacked out for. But, what
the hell, anyway? It was pointless to try and pursue these thoughts. I
wasn't even the slightest bit curious.
Wherever I was when I had stopped thinking about the police, I
decided to sit down on the sidewalk and rest for a while. I leaned up
against a strong brick wall, closed my eyes, and listened to footsteps
passing by me. As I sat there, I envisioned that apartment, the one to
which I would never return. I saw a television, a VCR, a stereo, a sea of
wires. The laptop was there, on the floor, the vessel that bore me as a
writer. It was like a womb in which the mind I live in today had grown.
The womb was empty now, except for old scraps, short stories, traces of
what I had become; or could have become, had I not been aborted from it
so coldly... Regardless, I still felt sick knowing that I would never
return to it.
Elizabeth was there. She was with another man; someone she
perceived to be a slightly better version of myself, I'm sure. They were
in bed together, a soft cloth blanket resting at their hips, their naked
chests lined up next to each other. The room glowed from the television's
light, and it hummed from the presence of so many other things, producing
so much electricity. Their faces were made up inside my mind,
half-summoned from my memory, I suppose. Only half-real. In reality, the
three of us would never meet. Or, at least not in this town.
I opened my eyes. They were wet, but yielded no tears. I saw the
sun in the sky, getting ready to set. I stood up and followed it.
Vaguely, I had begun to find a sense of what I needed to do; or maybe, all
that was left that I could do.
[-----]
- Chapter 23
I wish there were more to say about my departure from that town,
but I'm afraid I can't come up with anything. I guess I just wasn't paying
enough attention to the life in that evening, because I lack the ability
to retell any of it here. I didn't see much of anything on my way out,
except for maybe the sun.
After walking a while, the sidewalk ended and turned to patches of
grass by a curb, and then the curb ended, and grass turned to dirt and
trees. I found myself in a forest not unlike the one I found myself in on
the first night of this tale, and I thought at the time that maybe I would
pass by my old grave, but that never happened. It was a big forest. That
would have been an unlikely coincidence.
I remember thinking that I really should have been tired from all
the walking I had been doing, and then not really knowing if I was tired
or not. I didn't stop walking, though, until the dirt and trees turned
into plain dirt, and then the lonely dirt turned into a river. About
thirty feet across, and I still don't know quite how deep. Deep enough,
it seemed.
The sun had almost set, and then I had nowhere to go, so I finally
sat down in the dirt. Like some sort of reflex, some childhood memory
forcing me along, I started to untie my boots and lie them down in the
dirt next to me. They were caked with dirt and faded from so much exposure
to the sun, but they really didn't seem very worn. The life of those boots
had been unique, definitely, but they really didn't do much more walking
than the average pair. They were still healthy.
My eyes passed away from the boots and back at the river. I decided
to dip my feet in it. It was really an ecstatic feeling; at least, for a
small part of me, it was. I had not felt water like that, or even
encountered water at all, in a very long time. The feeling was so great,
and so exotic, that I was paralyzed by it for quite a while. I sat blankly
in the dirt, and in the water up to my knees, for a good while, and I felt
very good about it. Satisfied. Quenched. Eventually, the sun set, and it
was dark, and I came to my senses, wondering what my next action would be.
It seemed perfectly natural what I should do. Something so natural,
it needed no justification to happen, it just did. Like the sun setting.
Every part of me knew exactly what to do. And so, I acted, with my body,
my mind, and my soul.
I jumped into the river.
And it carried me in its arms, so quick I couldn't have thought
about it if I tried. The river had mastered me with the speed and strength
of its current. I went completely limp, and I believe I had one thought,
one ecstatic conclusion, as I smiled and closed my eyes. Gnosis. Another
blackout.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #700 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 7/1/99 ]