💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0699.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:38:51.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #699
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Noppa Gets Us Laid:
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 An Exploration in Stupidity"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Various Artists
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
*** IRC log started Mon Jan 18 00:39
*** Users on #ezines: @kreeed glynis @slindsey notgreg @teerts @isaac
@Quarex @Mogel @tomfuck @noppa @cheesus @turevon @kaiak @Ilsundal
@tasha @AIDS @cstone @apollo___ @rattle @TanAdept
<Mogel> (quarex)
<noppa> quarex: (Its a new product from Corning, who brought you Pyrex!
Quarex is not a borosilicate glass; instead, it is made from pure
quartz. And if you believe that, have an onion.)
<Mogel> (jamesy)
<noppa> jamesy: (i love you, noppa!)
<Mogel> (g0ff)
<noppa> g0ff: (that guy behind the curtain)
<Mogel> (zooey)
<noppa> zooey: (as if you really have any beans)
<cstone> (())
<noppa> (): (Please do not abuse the () feature.)
<Mogel> [zooey]
<noppa> zooey: (kill yourself)
<cstone> (cstone)
<Mogel> (dylan)
<noppa> cstone: (lambda (x) (if (= x (* 5555 0)) x (- (/ x x) 1)))
<cstone> ((()))
<noppa> (()): (Maurauder! Its ME noppa!!! I m talking to YOU!)
<noppa> dylan: (cutle fuzzy wuzzy 16 year old wannabee (she could almost be
foddy's type!))
<Mogel> (katie)
<noppa> katie: (someone with more friends than she thinks :) .)
<Mogel> (murmur)
<noppa> murmur: (the friendliest of the friendlies!)
<Mogel> (lindsey)
<noppa> lindsey: (evERYone loves lINDs)
<Mogel> (tao)
<noppa> tao: (he's sad and mopey.)
<Mogel> (rj)
<noppa> rj: (The greatest author yet to be born)
<AIDS> stop it
<AIDS> who the hell is noppa?
<Mogel> Noppa is a stupid bot.
<AIDS> isn't noppa an OLD OLD school bot?
<notgreg> noppa is longstanding
<cstone> noppa is the original #ad&d dicerolling bot
<notgreg> that bot has been on irc.. for what.. 4 years?
<cstone> notgreg: longer than 4 years
<Mogel> 4d3
<noppa> Mogel, 4d3: 6
<glynis> :P
<AIDS> 3d20
<noppa> AIDS, 3d20: 28
<AIDS> (mogel)
<noppa> mogel: (noppa wants to know what is mogel is that too much to ask?)
<AIDS> 3d20
<noppa> AIDS, 3d20: 38
<Mogel> Uhm, ahaha, we can make saving rolls for situations.
<AIDS> yes
<AIDS> I can figure out how smart I'm going to act in any given
argumentative HOE situation.
<Mogel> Quarex, Roll to get laid by Glynis
<Quarex> What dice is that?
<Quarex> Is that a d twenty?
<Quarex> Like critical hit or failure?
<Quarex> 1d20
<Mogel> yeah, you have to get 17 or more
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 13
<Mogel> FAILED!
<Quarex> FUCK
<tasha> what the HELL are you guys talking about?
<AIDS> oh, ok, well, I'm going to act reasonable intelligent now.
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Soybean
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 17
<Mogel> SUCCESS!
<Quarex> Okay, I barely got laid by Soybean
<tasha> drew
<tasha> how can you BARELY get laid?
<Quarex> Now on to my roll
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 1
<Quarex> HAHAHHAHAH
<Quarex> HHAAHAHAHAH
<Mogel> CRITICAL FAILURE
<Quarex> YES! NO MORE GIRLFRIENDS!$#*&
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Meenk -- 11 is required
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 14
<Mogel> AIDS gets LAID by MEENK
<AIDS> ahjahah
<Quarex> D00d I gottra see if I can get laid by Meenk even though she
hates me
<AIDS> doud, if teletype can do meenk, anyone can
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 20
<Mogel> HAHAHAHA
<Mogel> CRITICAL HIT
<AIDS> AHAHAHAH
<AIDS> QUAREX YOU FUCKED HER ASS
<AIDS> ALL THREE HOLES
<cstone> haha
<Quarex> HAHAHA
<Quarex> Hahahahahaha
<isaac> heh
<tasha> im confused :(
<Quarex> Looks like Meenk is just playing "I hate you"
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Anjee -- 15 required
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 8
<Mogel> FAILED
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 15
<AIDS> HEY LOOK
<AIDS> I GOT ANJEE
<AIDS> it's because my dick is so enormous
<AIDS> and she is so tight
<AIDS> it was rough riding for a while
<Quarex> God
<tasha> my god.
<Quarex> I am so totally never getting laid
<Quarex> But then again, that is what happens when you devote yourself to
celibacy and even chicks want sex these days
<Mogel> You got a critical meenk hit, dude
<AIDS> Roll to get laid by tasha -- 18
<tasha> :D
<Mogel> 1d20
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 5
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 17
<AIDS> SHIT
<AIDS> All I got to was fingerbang!
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 2
<Quarex> FUCK
<tasha> YAY!
* tasha does a dance!!!
* kreid had unprotected sex today! :) :) :)
<AIDS> OK GUYS
<AIDS> This is the gayest thing this channel has ever done
<Mogel> Hahaha
<Mogel> No way
<Quarex> HAHA
<Mogel> This game rules
<cstone> kreid, roll a saving throw vs. HIV
<Quarex> Hahahaha
<AIDS> hahhaha
<Mogel> hahahaa
<Quarex> Yeah, you are like a 2nd level Druid
<kreid> 1d20
<noppa> kreid, 1d20: 19
<cstone> SAFE
<AIDS> damn! kreid is safe!
<kreid> i'm slick
<tasha> im confused again :\
<AIDS> ok, i want to reroll my intelligence
<AIDS> 3d6
<noppa> AIDS, 3d6: 10
<AIDS> oh shit i am stupid
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Parker Posey -- 15 is required
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 9
<Quarex> Who is Parker Posey?
<Quarex> And I failed
<Quarex> God
<AIDS> ahahah
<Quarex> Let me roll to get laid by a human being - 2 is required
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 13
<Quarex> Damn
<AIDS> Mogel, what do you think you are to get laid?
<Mogel> I'm a 15
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 9
<AIDS> shit
<AIDS> 1d12
<noppa> AIDS, 1d12: 3
<AIDS> how pretty will my wife be?
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 4
<AIDS> damn!
<AIDS> butt nasty!
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by phairgirl -- 12 is required
<tasha> ahahahahahah
<AIDS> hahahah
<Mogel> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 4
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 17
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 3
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 6
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 17
<Quarex> AWW YEAH
<Mogel> HAHAHA
<AIDS> DAMN
<AIDS> I DID EVEN WORSE THAN MOGEL
<tasha> YAY
<tasha> I GET PHAIRGIRL SEX!
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by AnonGirl -- 14 required
<AIDS> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 20
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 11
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 12
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 11
<AIDS> DAMN I BANGED ANONGIRL ALL NIGHT
<Quarex> FUCK
<AIDS> Three hole combo critical hit!
<AIDS> She's mine all mine
<Quarex> Hahah
<Quarex> MUZE
<Mogel> hmm... muze is a 16
<Quarex> Give Muze a rating
<Quarex> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 13
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 5
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 19
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 12
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 1
<AIDS> this is so stupid
<Quarex> Dude, the thing is, I should have a -10 penalty on these because
I am Quarex.
<AIDS> good thing I have no idae who muse is
<tasha> :(
<AIDS> isaaca; IMPOTENCE CRITICAL FAILURE
<Quarex> mmMmMMmm
<Quarex> Hahaahah
<isaac> :~o
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Barb, she's... 13
<Quarex> LIES
<Quarex> I TRIED SO HARD
<Quarex> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<AIDS> Who the hell is barb?
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 16
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 16
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 13
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 6
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 15
<Quarex> Oh, I see, it is just broken
<tasha> i get barbsex!
<Quarex> Everyone can have Barb, the way it should be
<Quarex> Aww, not Mog, who got more than I ever did
<AIDS> this is so fucking stupid
<AIDS> it's actually painful to contemplate
<AIDS> thank god I only roll'd a 10 for my intelligent levels
<tasha> im amused.
<cstone> it's disorientingly pathetic
<isaac> heh
<AIDS> 3d6
<noppa> AIDS, 3d6: 10
<AIDS> ahahah
<AIDS> it's official.
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Leah -- Girls get +5, Guys get -4, 16 required
<Quarex> Hahahaha
<Quarex> SHIT
<tasha> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<Quarex> HAHA
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 2
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 8
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 6
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 18
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 7
<Quarex> HA HA TASH
<tasha> WTF
<tasha> IM THE ONLY GIRL
<tasha> AND I CANT GET LEAH
<Quarex> HAHAHA
<tasha> THATS FUCKED UP
<tasha> mogel almost got sex from a lesbian, dude
<Quarex> Leah just hates EERYBDOY
<Mogel> roll to get laid with PezMonkey -- 16
<Mogel> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
* tasha crosses her fingers
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 1
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 18
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 15
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 6
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 11
<AIDS> ahahah
<AIDS> impotence critical failure
<Quarex> HAHAH
<Mogel> Hahaha
<Quarex> NOOOOOO
<tasha> *hee hee*
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Aster -- 19 required
<AIDS> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<Quarex> C'mon Aster
<Quarex> Underage chicks are my speciality
<AIDS> shit
<AIDS> I wish getting sex was actually this arbitrary
<Quarex> So do I
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 10
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 17
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 18
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 19
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 6
<Quarex> YES
<Quarex> AHAHA
<Mogel> HAhahaha
<Quarex> !#{body}amp;!#$
<AIDS> tasha: the dice don't lie
<Quarex> ALL UNDERAGE GIRLS SHALL FALL BFEORE MY MIGHT
<Mogel> I have no idea what Caitlin's would be
<Mogel> Roll to get laid by Metal Chick -- 14 required
<AIDS> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 13
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 20
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 5
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 19
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 17
<AIDS> FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
<Quarex> METAL CHICK METAL CHICK
<Quarex> HAHAHAHA
<tasha> i wansta roll for isaac, s'il vous plait
<tasha> pacify me for christs sake
<Mogel> I think I ran out of girls.
<AIDS> mogel: paganini
<AIDS> mogel: daisy
<Mogel> Oh yeah
<Mogel> Paganini is a 16, I'd say
<isaac> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 11
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 5
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 15
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 8
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 3
<isaac> doh
<Mogel> Hahaha
<tasha> darn :(
<AIDS> Well, at least this random dice rolling is a refelction of real life
<Mogel> Daisy would be a 9
<tasha> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 18
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 19
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 9
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 17
<tasha> HELL YEAH BUDDY!
<AIDS> I think Daisy would be a 3
<Quarex> Where does Daisy live?
<Quarex> Who is Daisy?
<Mogel> Hahaha
<tasha> Mogel: ISAAC!
<Quarex> GOIN' TO MEET DAISY
<AIDS> I WAS RIDING MISS DAISY
<AIDS> hyuk hyuk hyuk!
<Quarex> Hahaha
<Mogel> Isaac would be... 15
<isaac> I want to try for myself
<isaac> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<AIDS> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 3
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 9
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 14
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 12
*** teerts (teerts@whthc23.resnet.iup.edu) has joined channel #ezines
<AIDS> How much to do quarex?
<Mogel> 14
<AIDS> ahahah
<Quarex> That high?
<Quarex> Well, actually, to DO me would require a 20
<AIDS> i thought you were mad sexless guy?
<Quarex> I am.
<AIDS> oh, i see.
<Quarex> Someone would have to trick me.
<Quarex> "Try this new 'milk', Drew"
<AIDS> ahaha
<Mogel> -5 to non-virgins
<Quarex> "I thought the bottle said Rohylponol."
<Quarex> "No, milk. Drink it."
<AIDS> look no one wants to roll
<Quarex> Yeah, true.
<Mogel> 1d20
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 9
<Quarex> Hahaha
<AIDS> is it a reflection of real life?
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 5
<Quarex> Who WOULD? =]
<Quarex> Yes, it is.
<Quarex> All girls want to pretend to roll, but none would ever actually
want to do it.
<Mogel> To do altrocks... 10
<Quarex> 1d20
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 9
<Mogel> 1d20
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 11
<AIDS> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 10
<isaac> oh my
<tasha> i have to get isaac.
<AIDS> hahah, mogel, I must have gotten cheap sloppy seconds on altrocks
with my barely making it score
<Mogel> 16 for kaia
<AIDS> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 17
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 2
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 20
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 10
<AIDS> AW YEAH
<AIDS> ALL UP IN THAT
<Mogel> Damn
<AIDS> mogel: ahahha
<AIDS> damn
<AIDS> isaaca got the three hole critical hit
<isaac> yay
<cstone> is someone logging this?
<AIDS> i hope not.
<Mogel> Hopefully not.
<Quarex> Oh god, another article in the making
<Quarex> I never log anything.
*** Starting logfile irc.log
*** Value of LOG set to ON
*** End of Lastlog
<Mogel> hmm, I can't think of anyone else
<tasha> matt?
<tasha> art?
<tasha> dylan?
<Mogel> art is a 14
<AIDS> 1d20
<isaac> 1d20
<tasha> 1d20
<Quarex> 1d20
<Mogel> 1d20
<noppa> AIDS, 1d20: 9
<noppa> isaaca, 1d20: 1
<noppa> tasha, 1d20: 12
<noppa> Quarex, 1d20: 18
<noppa> Mogel, 1d20: 6
<Quarex> Art wants me
<tasha> drew got artsex
<Mogel> oh yeah
<Mogel> roll for intelligence -- it's "3d6"
<Mogel> 3d6
<tasha> 3d6
<isaac> 3d6
<AIDS> 3d6
<Mogel> average
<noppa> Mogel, 3d6: 10
<noppa> tasha, 3d6: 12
<noppa> isaaca, 3d6: 8
<noppa> AIDS, 3d6: 15
<tasha> YAY!
<AIDS> I Am a god!
<Mogel> 10 is average
<tasha> I am *ABOVE* average
<AIDS> I think I rolled high enough to become an illusionist
<Mogel> roll for strength
<Mogel> 3d6
<isaac> 3d6
<tasha> 3d6
<noppa> Mogel, 3d6: 11
<noppa> isaaca, 3d6: 8
<noppa> tasha, 3d6: 10
<Mogel> Poor Isaac
<Mogel> he's gonna have the village idiot character
<tasha> don't worry isaac, i still love ya
<Mogel> Roll for charisma
<Mogel> 3d6
<tasha> 3d6
<isaac> 3d6
<noppa> Mogel, 3d6: 10
<noppa> tasha, 3d6: 10
<noppa> isaaca, 3d6: 8
<Mogel> Man, I'm so utterly average
<isaac> heh
<Mogel> hahahahaha
<tasha> poor isaac!
<Mogel> Wisdom?
<Mogel> 3d6
<tasha> 3d6
<isaac> 3d6
<noppa> Mogel, 3d6: 10
<noppa> tasha, 3d6: 17
<noppa> isaaca, 3d6: 14
<isaac> finally
<Mogel> ARGH 10 AGAIN
<tasha> WOW!
<tasha> I GOT A 17!
<Quarex> 3d6
<noppa> Quarex, 3d6: 13
<tasha> I AM WISE, YO!
<AIDS> 3d1
<AIDS> 3d31
<noppa> AIDS, 3d1: 3
<AIDS> 3d31
<AIDS> 3d1349
<Mogel> STOP AIDS
<noppa> AIDS, 3d1: 3
<noppa> AIDS, 3d1: 3
<AIDS> I TIRE OF THIS GAME
<isaac> 0d100
<noppa> AIDS, 3d1: 3
*** glynis (~jwhite1@isr3584.urh.uiuc.edu) has joined channel #ezines
<Mogel> Glynis I got laid by you according to noppa
<glynis> ummm....yes :)
<tasha> im the neatest character
<noppa> AIDS, d31: 5
<noppa> AIDS, 3d1: 3
<AIDS> Noppa is ignoring me because I am an evil flooder.
<AIDS> ok.
<AIDS> should I commit suicide? 1 for yes 2 for no
<AIDS> 1d2
<noppa> AIDS, 1d2: 1
<AIDS> MUST GO DIE
<Mogel> hahah
<Mogel> no!!!!!
<tasha> 1d2
<noppa> tasha, 1d2: 1
<tasha> damn.
* tasha goes with jarett.
<Mogel> Should I sleep right now? 1 for yes, 2 for no, 3 to masturbate
<Mogel> 1d3
<noppa> Mogel, 1d3: 1
<AIDS> ahaha
<AIDS> Should I jack off over tasha? 1 for yes
<AIDS> 1d1
<noppa> AIDS, 1d1: 1
<Mogel> hahaha
<Mogel> okay
<AIDS> ok
<AIDS> later
<tasha> would that be literally OVER me?
*** Signoff: Mogel (the fates have spoken!)
IRC log ended Mon Jan 18 00:51
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[(c)!LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #699-WRITTEN BY: VARIOUS ARTISTS-6/18/99 ]