💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0695.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:38:42.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #695
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "A Tourist Guide to Dubuque, Iowa"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Are you planning a vacation this year? Have you already visited such
hot spots as New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and Branson? Did you spend the
last few years already in Paris, Rome, London, and Berlin? Has visiting
Disneyland, Disneyworld, and every generic theme park gotten old?
There's only one place left for you to fulfill the greatest in all
your vacation needs: Dubuque, Iowa!
A Little About Dubuque:
=======================
Dubuque, Iowa is a fairly good sized town (for Iowa, that is) of
65,000. It is located on the eastern border of Iowa, right on the
Mississippi, and on the borders of Wisconsin and Illinois. The population
is 97% white and 95% Roman Catholic, made up mostly of senior citizens and
angst-ridden youth. Dubuque is home to 3 colleges and many tavern softball
teams.
Dubuque was founded in the late 1800s by Julien Dubuque, one of those
european guys who conquered native americans and wore furs on his head.
Dubuque is home to the Julien Inn, which at one point was one of Al
Capone's "legitimate" businesses. Al Capone was a big fan of East Dubuque
strip joints, so it is said.
Dubuque County has been identified (somehow) as the #1 county in the
country for marijuana abuse, and is the #2 city in the WORLD for beer
consumption, second only to Munich, Germany.
Getting To Dubuque:
===================
*Plane: Dubuque features the ever-handy Dubuque Regional Airport,
which has commuter flights from surrounding areas (this includes Chicago's
O'Hare airport). You will arrive on the tiny landing strip in one of the
finest of two-engine turbulence-emphasising airplanes that the city of
Dubuque can buy.
*Greyhound Bus: The Julien Inn has been kind enough to lend space
in one of its tiny basement rooms to host a Greyhound terminal. Enjoy your
time there in lovely downtown Dubuque (note to ladies: it is best to wear
your purses with the strap across your neck as opposed to simply over your
shoulder during your stay downtown. It would also be advisable to carry
mase and scream whenever you see a black person, should you happen to
actually see any while in Iowa whatsoever).
*Car: Many highways travel through, around, and over Dubuque. It is
best to drive a car with a minimum V-6 engine to navigate the hills, and a
very strong suspension to keep from getting carsick over the potholes.
Places to stay in Dubuque:
==========================
*Nice hotels: Ummm.
*Decent hotels: There are plenty of decent hotels, with pools and
what not, and rooms that are decently tolerable. In fact, it is nearly
impossible NOT to find an open room, so there is never any need to make
reservations.
*Roach motels: You can always find a room at the Fulton Motel, the
Siesta Motel, or the Canfield Hotel. Daily, weekly, or monthly rates are
available, should you plan an extra-long stay.
Tourist Things To Do in Dubuque:
================================
*Historic Dubuque: Ride the 4th Street Elevator, the shortest AND
steepest outdoor elevator in existence! Check out the Riverboat Museum and
the William M. Black steamboat! Go shopping at all the tiny, rustic,
historic little shops downtown while avoiding being hit by the "wonderful"
driving skills of the Dubuque population! Visit the Ham House, the home of
some old rich dead guy! And for the more sophisticated tastes, stop by the
Old Jail Art Gallery!
*The River: Look at the Mississippi. Wow.
*Riverboat Rides: Take a relaxing spin on the Spirit of Dubuque, a
cute little paddlewheel that takes daily rides in big circles.
*Gambling: Try Dubuque Greyhound Park And Casino, Diamond Jo
Riverboat Casino, or the Silver Eagle Riverboat Casino for all your gambling
needs. Contact any family reunion in the area if you wish to wager your
hand on euchre, the Dubuque card game of choice. Or, try almost any local
tavern and get swindled by a pool hustler.
*Shopping: Don't get into those cute little historic downtown shops?
Try Kennedy Mall, home to almost 30 stores! (Note to investors: plenty of
space is available, should you decide to open your own business in this
charming area of the midwest!)
Other nearby areas of interest:
===============================
*Dyersville: only 30 minutes outside of Dubuque, is home to the
authentic Field of Dreams (from the big Hollywood movie)! While there, also
check out the Ertl Farm Toy Museum!
*Galena, Illinois: Just like Dubuque, only smaller and more
expensive.
Annual Events in Dubuque:
=========================
*DubuqueFest (sometime in May): An arts and crafts show in Washington
Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque Colts
Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown Dubuque.
*RiverFest (sometime in September): An arts and crafts show in
Washington Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque
Colts Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown
Dubuque.
*Catfish Festival (end of June): A traveling carnival down by the
Mississippi River in Marina Park! Come see your favorite washed-out 70s and
80s bands play, or punch a carny! There is also one day of all-you-can-eat
grilled catfish for the low price of $12.99.
Cultural Dubuque:
=================
Ummm.
Everyday things to do in Dubuque:
=================================
*Get in a traffic accident: this is virtually inevitable in Dubuque.
Be wary of the multitude of ridiculous one-way streets, badly-designed exit
and entrance ramps, plethora of absent stop signs, and overabundance of
drivers that have never had a license. Note: if you don't want to be
recognized as a tourist, then regard all stop signs as yield signs or
disregard them entirely. Also be aware that nobody from Wisconsin has ever
figured out what a turn signal is.
*Go to church, then drink yourself silly at a bar: Within every 6
blocks, you will be able to see a church AND a tavern. No matter what your
denomination or drinking preference, Dubuque will satisfy!
What the locals do for fun:
===========================
*East Dubuque, Illinois: The perfect place to wile away your late
evening hours! Wisconsin Avenue features not only the East Dubuque police
station, but also an exciting collection of strip joints and dance clubs, as
well as ordinary everyday taverns!
*Perkins: Especially great after a night in East Dubuque, Perkins is
right off Highway 20 and is open 24 hours. Early evenings feature a rich
crowd of teenage girls and frat boys, while after 3am the best in drunken
assholes take the stage for a night of entertainment that can't be found
anywhere else!
*Mallwalking: Middle-aged women, listen up! Strap on a walkman and a
tight-fitting leotard and join the others like you at Kennedy Mall for a few
hours of invigorating Power Walking! Seniors, there are groups for you,
also!
*Bingo: The Tri-State Blind Society hosts a wild and wooly game of
bingo, as well as most churches in the area. If you love bingo, you'll love
Dubuque!
*Bowling and Mini-Golf: Once in a while, there's not league bowling,
and you can enjoy a nice afternoon drinking beer and bowling until you can't
bowl anymore. East Dubuque and Dubuque feature 2 mini-golf courses, and on
32nd street, Dubuque also has the finest in glow-in-the-dark mini golf EVERY
NIGHT (along with karaoke)!
Local Recommendations:
======================
*Get really drunk and pretend you were never here.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #695 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 6/18/99 ]