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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #694
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Dubuque"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Big Daddy Bill
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Well, well, well... I've waited a long time to do this. I finally get
to make fun of my hometown, Dubuque, and I even get a grade on it. This is
sweet.
Once upon a time, this French guy was boating along the river called
the Mississippi. He then came across a bunch of stupid Indians, lit the
water on fire and made them worship him. This French guy's name was Julien
Dubuque. So he made all the stupid Indians build crap for him, like
buildings, and when Julien died they made a monument on top of this cliff--
but not before he invited all his French friends over. So they built this
town from Indian structures, and then all the French people died or
something because there are only a handful of French people in this town
nowadays, thank God.
All these white southerners said, "Gee golly! It shure iz hot up
here," and started mindlessly wandering up north, where they found all the
Frenchmen sweating away building the town. The southerners approached and
said, "Y'all got some land?", and the French people said, "It will cost you
mo-nay." So the southerners gave them a horse and it was settled. But then
the southerners started having kids, and soon the town was massive, and
nobody was French anymore, but they were stupid. Then the industry boomed,
we hired a bunch of lazy cops, and here we are today... once French, now
mid-western-southern.
As much as I hate this town, which is based on old people mind you, I
cannot help but think that it is a good place to raise a family. The crime
rate is proportionately low, compared to other small cities, and there are
plenty of McDonald's and other fast food restaurants to feed our need to be
fat where teenagers can work, if you can crush their pride enough.
But the simple fact remains that this town bites, and there is
absolutely nothing to do here except go to the mall and shop for clothing
and eat. At least you can always eat.
I've lived here for 80% of my life, and I still don't know where most
of the main streets are. And why is our name so freaking unpronounceable?
Dubuque, sounds like Da-puke or Da-buke. Why does everyone think Dubuque is
in Jersey, anyway?
The citizens are absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid. I can't stand
the way people drive. And what is with all the freaks and psychos that roam
the streets? Just yesterday, my mother and I were sitting in the car down
on Main Street when a man walked in front of us, stopped and listened for a
few seconds, then pointed at our car and started screaming. He then turned
and walked away, like nothing ever happened. Just go down to Main Street
sometime and sit for a few minutes. Or better yet, take our fine public
transportation system for one hour. You'll be amazed.
Speaking of busses, the passengers aren't the only ones who are
oddities of nature. I had a bus driver one time make a simple comment on
the weather, pick up a Styrofoam cup, and started choking and hacking on his
own spit until he splurted it out into the cup, where he set it down and
started talking about the Super Bowl.
I was scared.
I can say this town sucks, and that nothing is ever going to develop
here, but at least there aren't very many murderers... that the cops know
about. Or whatever. God, I hate this town.
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[ (c)!LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #694-WRITTEN BY: BIG DADDY BILL-6/18/99 ]