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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #681
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Ginny Innygunk"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Effy
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/14/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Long, long ago, there was a tiny village in a distant land called
Utopia. It was so long ago that the moon had not even been created. The
hoi polloi of this prosperous, bustling locality were all happy and
generally well-to-do. Everyone was free to do as they pleased, and since
the people of Utopia were a gentle, peaceful people, there was little need
to worry about danger, crime, or other atrocities. Along with this
naturally gentle nature however, the Utopians were very proud of their
village and beliefs. They believed in working hard to achieve the comforts
of life, and above all, temperance.
It was in Utopia that there lived a girl that was...well, you might
say that in the respectable panoply of fruit that made Utopia, she was the
bad apple. This girl's name was Ginny Innygunk (pronounced Innyjunk, mind
you). She was a rather corpulent, greedy girl, who above else, coveted
food. Because of this unfortnate tendency to indulge every waking moment,
Ginny grew rather obese by the time she hit her teenage years. She was a
roly poly, fat specimen of a girl, with the round body of a hot air balloon
and the face of a boiled cabbage. Because she had so many layers of fat,
her body adopted a sweaty, fetid odor.
Unfortunately for Ginny Innygunk, her behavior went completely
against the standards of the village. It became so bad that her mother and
father disowned her when she was 17, forcing her out alone onto the streets
of Utopia. She then began robbing bakeries and meat factories and candy
stores, gorging herself upon everything she possibly could. She claimed it
was for survival, but when she ran the soup kitchen dry of food after the
first day of her banishment from home, and began stealing from everyone, the
council of Utopia decided it was time to teach her a lesson.
The mayor of Utopia called up God on the telephone to help with the
plan. "God," said the mayor, "I need your help. Ginny Innygunk is eating
up all the food in town. Not only did she eat everything at the soup
kitchen, but she's robbing bakeries, meat factories, and candy stores. By
God, I saw her eat a whole cow alive this morning!"
God scratched his bearded chin in thoughtful consideration.
"Alright," he said. "We'll teach her a lesson she'll never forget."
The next day, God had his gimpy disciples place a huge piece of green
cheese in Utopia's village square. It was a grand looking hunk of cheese,
topped off with a toothpick and an olive. It was over a hundred feet long
and twenty feet high!
Ginny Innygunk was cooking a skunk killed on the road over an open
fire when she smelled the chunk of cheese from a mile away. She quickly
forgot her roadkill roast and began to bounce toward the cheese, leaving
deep tracks in the land from her enormous weight. As she reached the
square, the people of Utopia began to gather. Ginny took her first huge
bite of the vividly green cheese and squealed in delight. The people
watched in amazement as Ginny devoured over half of the cheese within ten
minutes.
By this time, Ginny had grown to about three times her normal size
(which mind you, was gargantuous to begin with), and she was still eating!
God poked his bearded face through the clouds and cleared his throat
in obvious omnipotence. The people gasped and looked into the face of God,
and even Ginny stopped eating. Her mouth dropped open in amazement, and a
wad of chewed-up, green cheese fell to the ground with a splat.
God spoke. "Ginny Innygunk," he bellowed, "you have violated the
standards of the village of Utopia! These extremities will no longer be
permitted!"
As he spoke, Ginny began to float up in the air and into the sky.
Then God seemed to go a bit loony with his amusement. "The cheese
was made of helium, specially seasoned!" God screeched, laughing like a
madman. "Now you have learned your lesson Ginny...you will never eat again!
You will become what you eat!" With that, God closed the window of clouds
and returned to his other business affairs.
As Ginny floated away, the green cheese also floated away and
disappeared. That night for the first time, the people of the world saw the
moon, which truly was made of green cheese. It taught the future
generations temperance. It was a reminder to everyone that "you are what
you eat."
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #681 - WRITTEN BY: EFFY - 6/14/99 ]