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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #642
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "AGHGHGHGHGH!"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Quarex
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/17/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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After reading Anjee's initial account of what she thought might
happen at ITHINKICON (Hoe #632), I realized I had to write my own account.
Of course, my account is actually what really WILL happen, as I know all.
Besides, she did a similar thing by writing a followup of sorts to my
"Girl Vibe" magazine article. So it is only fair.
The only problem is, she used quite a few characterizations that I
would have, so lest I just copy her article, I had to take extreme
liberties with characters. Any resemblance to any real people, living or
dead, in this text file, is purely coincidental.
THE SCENE: ITHINKICON, at the very beginning of the weekend of torment.
Many people are finally starting to arrive, giving Quarex, who
has been sitting in the Best Western since early June,
something to do.
( QUAREX sits in a chair in the middle of the room, reading some random
videogame manual. )
( ANJEE walks in. )
QUAREX: Hey, Anjee! I am glad we finally got a chance to meet!
( ANJEE looks around obliviously )
QUAREX: Anjee? Hello?
( EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE TEXT FILE walks in )
TASHA: hey anj!
CAITLIN: hi anjee!!
ANJEE: hi tash, hi cait. i hope you guys liked my itic predictions
cause i dont like them at all.
QUAREX: I did not know it was possible to speak in lowercase.
TASHA: yes it is. i have always spoken in lowercase.
ANJEE: who are you talking to, tasha?
QUAREX: I hate all of you.
PHAIRGIRL: I totally hate this one guy at Wendy's.
PEZMONKEY: god, i hate my roommate! she sucks! she spilled her herbal
tea all over my computer and her exotic panties! i hate her!
* QUAREX has placed SLINDSEY on his ignore list.
ROTTENZ: Drew, this is real life, you don't have an ignore list.
* QUAREX has placed ROTTENZ on his ignore list.
ROTTENZ: You are a fat, fat piggy.
TANADEPT: Anna is a fat, fat piggy.
SEAYA: anna is a ca . . oops, i mean, luv! luvlvuvluvL! lvuLuiK&!#$
LVUL&#*$R@
( TRILOBYTE walks in, carrying a boombox blasting 70s electronic music,
LIFELIKE follows him, paying rapt attention )
TRILOBYTE: you know, this band is fantastic. on a similar note, the other
day, i was walking down daniel street and ran into cynthia, my
third ex-girlfriend to feature an abnormal sexual behavior.
speaking of which, the omelette i had this morning was too big.
as long as i am on the subject, i tried to find my counselor
the other day, . . .
( TRILOBYTE has continued walking throughout this speech, and walks out
the same way he walked in, still talking, LIFELIKE in tow )
MURMUR: did somebody say something about indie record labels?
QUAREX: Man, that Murmur joke is SO three years ago. Nobody even
fucking knows who Murmur is anymore. Go away, Murmur.
ALTROCKS: Fear......... fear atracts the fearful......... The strong,
the weak, the inocent............. Fear is my ally.........
SOYBEAN: teehee
TANADEPT: Katie is sleepy! Sleepykatie! Katie! Sleepy!
SOYBEAN: teehee
TANADEPT: KATIE IS SLEEPY! SLEEPY. . . KATIE. . . IS. . . SLEEPY. . .
MALFUNCTION. . . KATIESLEEPYKATIESLEEPYANNACATLUVSLEEPYANNACAT
( STANADEPT violently sparks and hisses, then explodes, showering the
room in robotic parts. )
SOYBEAN: teehee
QUAREX: God, this con is gonna fucking RULE!
*** Signoff: Nightvere (Ping Timeout)
TASHA: WHERE IS ISAAC?!?!!? I *HEART* ISAAAAAAAC!!!!
ISAAC: The rumours are true. I am here. Let it be known that my love
for Tasha is like a truck, berzerker.
TASHA: DREW THATS NOT AT ALL WHAT ISAAC IS LIKE
QUAREX: Look, I have never fucking read a single thing he wrote or seen
him on IRC. I have no fucking idea what he is like.
TASHA: oh.
QUAREX: Jeeze.
KYUSAKU: drew, check out the file i just sent you.
QUAREX: I already saw that a few months ago, RJ.
( KYUSAKU begins to cry. )
EVOL: don't cry, rj. it'll be okay.
METALCHIC: psst, evol, we no longer exist on the material plane.
EVOL: oh, right.
( METALCHICK and EVOL disappear in a cloud of neon black smoke. )
QUAREX: Bring on the dancing girls! *clap clap*
( GLYNIS appears and does a striptease for QUAREX. )
APOLLO_: Where the hell have I been lately?
( HARDKORE falls over dead for no apparent reason. )
VOND: hey drew. this is a hologram. i am in colorado.
QUAREX: Hey Owen's hologram. Whazzup.
AIDS: WHAZZZUP GUYYYYSSSSSSSSSS!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
QUAREX: Hi, AIDS. Nice to meet you!
AIDS: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA WHAZZUP!?!?!? WHAZZUP!?!?!??!?!?! KLAUS
MOTHER-FUCKING-KINSKI!!!!! WHAZZUP!?!!?!! AHAHAHAH
MIASMA: Mi casa es bueno! Yo trabajo muchisimo con pollo! Yo deseo
dormir con Tasha!
TASHA: ummmmm. . .
PEZMONKEY: it's like trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling and falling is like this.
STYX: which one of you underage ladies will strip for me first?
( CAITLIN giggles and starts taking her clothes off. TASHA stops her. )
( ANJEE giggles and starts taking her clothes off. CAITLIN stops her. )
( QUAREX giggles and starts taking her clothes off. ANJEE stops her. )
GWEEDS: which of you ladies finds my pseudointellectualism and faux
latino name the most appealing, and wants to fuck me?
( MEENK bursts through the floor of the hotel and leaves with GWEEDS. )
QUAREX: Damn. I was hoping Meenk would at least get naked before
bursting through the floor and leaving with Gweeds.
KREID: I FUCKED FIVE FUCKING FAT FAGS FRIDAY
MOGEL: Hi guys.
QUAREX: About time you got here. Now maybe things will make a little
more sense.
MOGEL: I brought these guns, one for each of us! Time to end it all!
QUAREX: Eh, uh, what?
( MOGEL hands out guns to everyone at the con. QUAREX, ROTTENZ and
SWISSPOPE refuse guns. )
ROTTENZ: I want to have unprotected vaginal intercourse with you, Mogel.
KREID: I FUCKING HAVE AIDS
SWISSPOPE: how come this is my first line?
( EVERYONE WITH A GUN opens fire on SwissPope. )
SWISSPOPE: Et tu, Quarex?
QUAREX: No, idiot, I did not have a gun.
SWISSPOPE: oh, right.
( SWISSPOPE dies. )
ANONGIRL: oh no. swisspope is dead. oh, my love. i am so distraught.
smoking, brb.
STEEV: Wheedle whoopers doodle biddle bonky.
JAMESY: You are dumb, Steev.
UBERFIZZ: I am the needle in your vein
ALL: AND I CONTROL YOU!
QUAREX: So, Mog, what is the next event on the itinerary?
MOGEL: Synchronized Orgasm.
QUAREX: Count me out.
MOGEL: Let's go, Faggos!
( EVERYONE except QUAREX, ROTTENZ and ANJEE leaves. )
ROTTENZ: What now, fatty?
ANJEE: im fat, i know.
ROTTENZ: I was not talking to you, Darth Sarcastus.
ANJEE: nobody else is here.
QUAREX: I really do fucking hate all of you. Man, not only did I not
get any, but no girls even got drunk and naked.
( PHAIRGIRL staggers in, drunk and naked. )
QUAREX: Oh, well, I guess that is something.
( PHAIRGIRL falls into a Meenk-shaped hole in the ground. )
QUAREX: That was probably for the best.
ROTTENZ: What do we do now, big-head?
QUAREX: There is only one thing we can do. Strut.
( QUAREX and ROTTENZ escape Philadelphia, victorious, H0E #700 in hand. )
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #642 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 5/17/99 ]