💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0611.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:35:55.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #611
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "How to Win a
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Guess-Your-Age Contest"
888 888 888 888 888 "
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Seaya [5/6/99]
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
I am 21. Many people seem to think I'm 16. This causes problems,
say, if I want to get a date.
It also causes people not to take me seriously sometimes. People
who don't take me seriously tend to suck.
But there is one talent that I do have. It never fails. No matter
how tricky they try to make it, I _always_ win at guess-your-age contests.
So what if the two dollar junky stuffed animal wasn't even worth walking
up to the booth at all and its eyes pop off as soon as you grab it. It
feels _good_ to be good for something. Guess-your-age is all I'm good for.
Once, when I was 19 I walked up to a booth which had the
unprecedented and utterly built-to-lose stipulation that if they came
within four years of your age, they had guessed correctly. ha!
Nervously, I walked up to the booth, clutching the crisp bills in
my hand, covetting the badly sewn blob of stuffed...I don't even know what
that thing was, only that I wanted it. I pulled my jacket closed and hid
my breasts. I put on my timid face. I played with my hair.
The guy at the booth thought he had me pegged. His logic was that
he would bet on the low side of young, and then even if I was 17 or
something, he'd still come out a winner. With odds like this, how could he
lose?
He looked at me, nay, studied me for 10 unbearable seconds and
reached for the mic. "I'd say you are....14!"
I didn't know whether to be highly offended or highly pleased, but
nevertheless I pulled out my college ID. "19!!"
Embarassed, he handed over the junky stuffed whatsit to my eager
fingers. I walked away triumphant from the inquest with my prize....well
with my pride anyway. Eh, screw that, 14 hurt really bad!
But despite the insulting nature of this hobby of mine, I return
again and again to these booths of shame and delight for a piece of the
stuffed quasimodo pie.
The best thing I've gotten so far is a Clydesdale horse keychain.
It was at Busch Gardens at a lame guess-your-age booth where they had to
guess it right on the money. It was a way to get you to buy their stuffed
animals and feel like you were winning, I guess. My friends chipped in on
the $2 so I made out on top. And I got to show off my one talent.
whoopee!
@--->---@--->---@--->---@--->---@--->---
Would you like to feel special too?
Here are some tips to winning at guess-your-age:
1) Take care of your skin.
This makes you look a lot younger than you really are. Use
sunscreen (like that god-awful song based on Kurt Vonnegut's address to
MIT says).
I was thinking that maybe having really awful leathery skin might
work too, although it's a crapshoot because they never guess older if you
look old. They always guess younger, especially on women, because they
don't want to insult anyone. You might find them guessing younger to land
on your exact age.
So, take care of your skin. You don't want to be a loser.
2) Hide your breasts/package.
Make your primary and secondary sex characteristics as invisible or
ambiguous as possible. You should do that anyhow. It is great for your
health.
3) Be timid.
Try not to look the guesser in the eye. Oftentimes people have
been able to tell that I am older than 18 just by the adult nature of the
eye contact I make with them. Timidity is especially important in contests
with large ranges designed to make you lose your hard earned cash.
4) Display nervous kiddie habits.
Play with your hair. Pick at your face. Cover your mouth in a shy
manner. Rub your eyes. Anything to make you look awkward and un-adult.
This works like a charm and adds the finishing touches on to your disguise.
5) Be realistic.
If you are a fat, balding, gray bearded, forty-something man don't
expect any of the above techniques to work.
Well, I've given you the secret of my talent. I guess that makes me
worthless. Still, I challenge you to beat the four age range contest. I
haven't met anyone else who could!
Wishing you stuffed animal goodness,
love,
seaya
xoxox
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #611 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 5/6/99 ]