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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #570
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Why I'd Pity a Psychic"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Rhea
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/11/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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There was once a little caterpillar named Stan the Stalker. Stan
was called "the Stalker" because, well, he liked to stalk people. His
caterpillar friends didn't approve of his stalkings very much, but they
could see plainly that he was addicted and so they chose to not interfere.
Stan the Stalker wasn't just any stalker, though, which was
something that his friends didn't know. You see, Stan had the ability to
read the minds of people, and so he would crawl up to a person's house and
look through the window until he saw someone, and then turn on his magic
power and read the person like a book. He was fascinated by the thoughts
of people because they were so unlike the thoughts of caterpillars.
One day, a particularly fine Tuesday morning, Stan crawled up a blue
house to the wide white kitchen window ledge. His furry caterpillar body
gleamed green and yellow in the sunlight. He saw two people sitting in the
kitchen, and zoomed in with his magic powers immediately to the first
person.
"Maybe I should have done my chemistry homework. No. It's stupid
and the teacher didn't even explain it hardly. Bobby is so cute. He has
brown eyes. He kinda looks like Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo is so cute. Maybe
I should ask him to eighth grade prom. But he'll say no. It'll be
humiliating--"
Stan zoomed out. "That was boring," he said to himself. "Well,
what did I expect from a pre-teen?"
He laughed, than turned his powers on the second person, and his
mind was immediately flooded with the following all at once:
"Mmm, taco bell. Mmm, that one hot chick that works there smiled
at me. Fuck, she probably smiles at everyone, it's probably her job. Damn
TV sucks sometimes. That thing on MTV was so gay. Is that English paper
thing due today? Shit. I'll just tell her that my printer broke. That
always works. I hate that fucking teacher. Sometimes I just want to run
up to her and slash her throat with my pencil and then watch her scream,
and watch the blood run all the way down her shirt onto her shoes. Mmm,
big mac. Man, this cereal sucks. Mom needs to stop buying this healthy
crap. Otherwise I'll jam my spoon up her nose into her brain and scoop out
her brains. Haha. Man, that would rule. Mom is fucking on my case way too
much. Damn my sister is annoying sometimes. All the time. She was
listening to Hanson yesterday, I wanted to run in and tie part of her
stupid blue beaded curtain around her neck and choke her so she'd turn it
off. I wonder if it's going to rain today, that would suck. !!
Mmm, pizza. Mmm, Pamela Anderson. Now there's a hot chick. Dan has
a poster of her in his room, I wonder if he uses that to help himself --
mmm, nintendo 64. I need to go to his house after school and play 007.
That game fucking rules. I can't believe this crap I'm eating. It's
disgusting. I'd give it to the dog but he'd fucking die from eating it
it's so bad. That's what my mom's doing, she's fucking trying to kill me.
I oughta take that carving knife in the drawer and cut her-- Hey, is that
a caterpillar? Whoah, where's the butter knife? I hope it's body will
still keep moving after I cut off its head."
And while all this was still registering in poor Stan the Stalker's
puny little caterpillar brain, the boy opened the window and jabbed his
butter knife into Stan. He writhed and moaned in pain and then finally
stopped.
The last thing that went through Stan's head was, "Mmm, Brittany
Spears."
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #570 - WRITTEN BY: RHEA - 4/11/99 ]