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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #558
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly 7-9"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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(#7)
I have made many bad decisions in my life. One of them was not
taking PE at all last year when I actually still had some ability to do
physical crap. Now I have to take it when I have grown a potbelly and
developed a weak heart. They make me walk. I just learned never to wear
flannel boxers ever again in PE, because even though I walk really slow
with like little baby steps my underwear gets all bundled up and starts
chafing all that skin between my legs and under my scotum, and I have to
keep pulling it. I develop a real sensitive rash or something down there
now and the next day it really hurts to walk normal so I am just like
"fuck it" and I walk all weird so that the skin doesn't rub and hurt.
People look at me like "uh ok, you are definitely retarded or something"
and I am like "YEAH, I am so retarded I forgot how to walk right, along
with all of that other social shit I forgot how to do right. So fuck you".
I used to get really bad pains in my chest all the time and I
figured it was just gas or something so I used to take a lot of antacids
and i would carry them around in my pocket in a little plastic bag. Now i
get pains in my chest again but these are much different. They aren't gas
pains anymore. They are like "I feel like I am about to start crying or
vomiting or something" type pains. But sometimes they aren't painful at
all like when I am at lunch with Kelly and I start shaking uncontrollably
and get this really strange tingling in my chest. One time I seemed to
turn the shaking into a game where I would try to control it and I would
stop for a second or two and it would start again and I then I would just
laugh at myself because it was like "why I am shaking!? my body is so
funny".
I have many images that come into my head. Especially during
presleep, but sometimes I get very interesting ones that seem to come from
no where. One time I get this image of this weird mental grid pattern of
long hexagons and it makes me thing of a fence and behind them is strange
yellow fluid background with green spots. Other images are not so
picturesque. Sometimes I will see what I call "my sky" which just a
gray-blue sky but the emotions and feelings I get are so interesting to
me. Such a simple thing means so much to me. I have many objects like
that which I can call up or picket out of my magical sack of mind forms.
It wasn't until I saw paintings by Bocklin that reminded my of those mind
forms that I realized that what people call "art" is really just a method
to make those objects that exist in the mind more lucid and real.
Perhaps the mystery of being really is not a problem to be solved
but a reality to be felt. If that is true then I have already felt it. It
is a mind form I call "the Tao" which is a name I gave it when I read
about Taoism and the concept of formless non-being. That mind form is hard
is very to get to though. I have to first try to conceptualize the whole
of the material universe then see "behind it" to the static formless
constant that is "the Tao". I could only feel it for moments at a time.
I used to meditate trying to just feel it for a long time. Feelings are
impossible to communicate though unless the receiver already knows the
feeling. Again, it is like trying to teach colors to the blind.
I have decided that I hate my penis. It just gets in the way. I
want to get a complete castration and just have smooth skin crotch. Now
THAT would enhance my life a lot more then developing my social skills.
But then I would have to sit or squat to pee, so nevermind.
Writing these letters wouldn't be as fun if I didn't give them to
Kelly. I don't know why that is. I decided I am just going to keep
writing her "letters" until one day I give her a letter and she just rips
it up and throws it on the ground and is like "I don't want anymore of your
pointless letters you crazy, pathetic fuck!". Actually, that is the method
I hope she uses when she finally does get sick of my letters. She will
probably be able to "end it" without saying anything somehow, and the whole
situation will just be really sad and depressing.
I decided that from now on I am just going to think she enjoys my
letters, sense she doesn't actually say anything about them.
(#8)
I like to swing. In my backyard the ground is covered in clovers
and shaded by trees and it is really nice to go out there and swing or
just sit in a swing under a tree. The swing has a plastic blue seat and
yellow ropes and one is pretty low to the ground and one is really high
and I usually sit in the low one sense the high one is hard to get on. I
think differently when I am in the swing. I feel free to let my thoughts
just flow uncontrolled and think peaceful thoughts. I call that my "fun
time". Also, I will spin and slowly wind up the rope and then let it turn
me slowly as it unwinds. Today I actually started swinging and it feel
really good.
I had a really bad migraine today. I rarely have those. They are
different then headaches because they only last about 3 seconds and they
are very painful and after it is gone I am really scared it will come
again so I sit really still and try not to trigger one with stress, even
though I don't really know what triggers those, but just calmly sitting
really still seems to help.
I have talked of mind forms and how they affect me. There is one
that I have experienced my whole life that I used to call "little-big"
and now I think a better name to call it is "the duality". I lost the
method of inducing it though. It would come to me during presleep about
once every year and sometimes many times in a month. It was partly an
image but mostly an intense feeling that would paralyze me in awe. It was
wonderful and so fascinating. It was inhuman and alien, but it was "my
alien", in the sense that it was mine but not of the world I came from.
It has a black background and it is composed of lines I think. Or maybe
points. I don't remember it or how to explain it now. I became obsessed
with trying to draw it though when I 10 and then again when I was 14 (See
picture; cone shaped object). Sometimes it was in my dreams also, in the
form or incasing a merry-go-round or something. This is important though
because I always felt that if I solved the mystery of the little-big I
would gain a grand, profound insight into something. Now, I seem to have
no ability to recall it or have an desire to peruse it. I feel like it may
come back again later in life. One time I thought maybe it might be
something everyone feels or "gets" but the people I talked to had no idea,
and I still search for people who can relate to it and I show them the
drawing because I know if I saw someone else draw anything like that I
would know immediately what that was a symbol of.
Anyway that was in someway also a symbol of my "dark" part of life
(I always talk of the unconscious or the place one searches for something
"dark"). Now I seem to be entering a part of my life where socially
oriented skills and experiences are becoming more and more important. I
could feel it creep up in me like something that was telling me "sorry,
fun is over now you must get "real", and it would tell me in my growing
discomfort of introspection and meditation. At first I thought that the
problem was that I was losing my touch and that I just needed to hold fast
to my path and endure the pain as something of a growth experience (what
doesn't kill you only makes you stronger). In this time all my dreams
became either disturbing erotic dreams, dreams of war and earth
destruction, dreams of me looking for a small girl demon in dark places,
or dreams of me killing people or getting killed by cutting them or
stabbing them to death (mostly negative dreams). I also begin to see that
people saw social life as "real life" and I felt this was a sad or cruel
illusion in the human mind, but I felt myself slipping into the same mind
set which further complicated my situation. This is also the time of the
bad chest pains.
My mind used to always race through things and thoughts and find the
questions and answers and the images and mind forms and identify the
direction of the nova-object. Now it kept stumbling and becoming lost and
confused sometimes and that was extremely painful. I always felt like
people didn't know real pain for they seemed so distressed at physical pain
but physical pain very much pales in comparison with the pain of a mind in
great distress. So I started to do what I though was weird things and
behavior. I would just start walking around pointlessly to calm myself. I
looked for the good feelings once again as I had as a child. I became more
extroverted. I start writing letters to a girl named Kelly, and I become
nervous because I was doing something on "feeling" and you must understand
I am not conformable when I don't really know the objective of an action.
So, the letters became all about me and why I was writing them.
---
Kelly is really nice and not just in the kind way. She is nice like
when I swing with the clovers and the trees. I really loved talking to her
and I should really tell her that just so she knows and doesn't think I
think low of her or something, because she is very smart and interesting
just as I thought she would be.
When I talk with Kelly just hearing her voice makes me smile and
when she laughs I laugh and I get this really pleasant feeling. It is just
really good. That is the best way to describe it is "good". I love how she
tries to humor me when I said something about not minding silence and she
gets silent thinking I am enjoying it when what I enjoy is her talking but
only if she is enjoying it also. I didn't want her to feel pressure to
keep talking just to fill silence (maybe I should have said that instead).
I feel really nice for the first time in a long time. In fact I have
almost forgotten how "nice" felt. It was like all those other times I
thought I was feeling okay and good was just fake and beneath it all I
still had the sick feelings. The cynical and cold tone in my voice seems
to be diminishing.
Caroline calls me:
c: so Kelly called you?
i: yes
*silence*
i: she is really nice *with an unlike you tone*
c: you love her.
i: *laugh* no, I don't love her... she is just really nice
c: you know I don't really feel like talking to you. so bye
i: *laugh* whatever
(#9)
Even though I have solved the mystery of my distressed mind I still
have not "found the way" or developed a method. God, I am such a
programmer. I try to put life to a program, and I assert that my behavior
and persona as something I can manipulate. I am so naive.
Dream segment:
I am sitting at a picnic table with Kelly, Jay, and some other
undefined passive people. The picnic table is in the middle of a cobble
stone road and there is one long concrete wall beside us. I draw a stick
figure symbolizing Kelly high up on the wall. I draw straight lines
symbolizing sunshine emanating from Kelly, I guess in an attempt to express
that she is "The Sun". Then Jay draws a figure below that of Kelly
depicted as a Bunny. Jay says something like "I like bunnies" (in an 'I
like bunnies in a sexual way' tone). Then I see Jay chase after some pink
cartoonish bunny. Then Kelly draws a symbol-picture of me with wavy lines
emanating from it. I look at her for an explanation and she says, "Those
are stink lines". I realize she is mocking my depiction of her. I say,
"oh I get it".
*end*
The only task I ever feel good about doing now is writing these
letters. Everything else is shit.
My persona and ego-validity have been thrown into the air and shot
at. The bullets are these letters. I realized I have to write out my
thoughts now and I have to give them to Kelly because of my mentality
slipping into that of socialite where the "social world" is the "real
world". I think thats sad but I think a lot of things are "sad". Through
that method the bullets of will actually hit their target. Otherwise, if
I just continued with my introverted thoughts the bullets would be dodged
easily and would fail at killing this old, obsoleted, worn out, inadequate
mentality, persona, etc. I need to find ways of completely killing it,
though. It is still there in on thrown in the sky and I realized this when
I observed my behavior around people last Saturday. Soon I predict it to
all come crashing down in a fiery mess. From my present state I can not
really predict what following reformation will result in, but it will
probably have something to do with Kelly.
I love trees. I love all plants. To me they are the symbol of
wu wei, a Taoist method that is best described as inaction. To be still
and quiet in observation instead of going out and doing something. If the
trees had a human mind they would probably see humans as we see those fly's
that live for about a week and whos life consists of flying around,
knocking up some other fly and then flying somewhere to die. I want to be
like the trees and live for the means and not the ends. "I am coming
Valhalla" is the motto of the man of ends. He ends things or reaches his
long sought after end in a violent or loud event. He runs out to war for
the two things he loves which is kill and die. He is the one that the
concept of "games" applies to. Games has objectives or ends. To be the
sage or the tree means to live not to play games.
I think people spend their lives with distractions like video games,
music, and everything else described as entertainment. I think even what
people call work is just a distraction. We could live in a totally
automated system where all things run off energy sources like the sun and
kinetic energy around us. Even the growing and distributing of food
requires no man power. The only thing humans possess that we can not
replace with a tool is their minds. The only task worth anything to me is
development of the mind. People express that if something like that
happened we would all become "lazy", etc. What they are really are afraid
of is giving up their distractions and being forced to face themselves and
reality. The Chinese realized this 2500 years ago when they were in a state
of warring and all there seem to be was the killing and the dying. They
had reached the pinnacle of the "love the ends and not the means" and it
was very easy for them to finally look around and laugh at what fools they
were. But, in actually that did not happen. Only a very few realized this
and developed the philosophy of Taoism and when they realized that the
Chinese where too blind to see the "colors" they left and carried the
knowledge to Tibet.
It is true that I am "interested" in Kelly. But it is more than
that I am interested in what Kelly symbolizes for me. She is the good
feelings and the initiator of a new mentality. She symbolizes the Lucifer
I search for or the light. No longer is knowledge and mental strength the
objects of my desire. I desire the good feelings and in my regression to
a social orientation the good feelings find there host image Kelly.
tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra
tu ra-lu ra-la
tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra
an Irish lullaby
I when I stopped sing the Mrs. Suzie song to comfort me I started
singing that song. Caroline said it was because Kelly is Irish. Perhaps
Kelly is Irish genetically but she is not Irish like that song is Irish.
I do think fondly of Ireland but in a strange way. Catholicism lets the
mind to sleep. There is a mentality of mixing humor with logic to mock
life on an unconscious level or in other words to laugh at themselves as
being conscious of anything. They know of being nothing and they know that
all feelings are pain. They can reconcile the opposites of "good feeling"
and "bad feeling" into just feeling like the Buddhist. But they are the
only ones who do it completely unconsciously or as something of there
inner structure and then be able to laugh at themselves for having desires.
This is the Irish mentality that fascinates me, but it is certainly not
present in all "Irish" things. But I am certain it can be identified in the
Gaelic language. Perhaps this is all a hard thing to understand and I am
just not wording it write or explaining it enough. I will stop though, and
collect my thoughts later on that subject to make them more understandable,
or see if all that I am saying is just crap, because I am trying to
translate my feelings on a subject to thoughts.
I don't understand how one can get lost in thought. I think people
get lost in not thinking.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #558 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 4/6/99 ]