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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #551
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Happy Floggings"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Kreid
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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This is a story about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird with two
wings.
Once upon a time, there was a bluebird called Calvin. His full name
was Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk. In many ways, Calvin was just
like any other bluebird. But then, in other ways, he was not. There were
many special things about Calvin that made him different, just as there are
special things about you and me that make us different.
One special thing about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird, was that he
was born with two beautiful, blue wings.
With these two things, Calvin flew high above the trees, through the
clouds, gathering condoms and tadpoles and feasting on little bits of
styrofoam behind the 7-11 in the town where he lived.
One day, a group of young birds came to visit Calvin while he was
taking bonghits of pot (marijuana) behind the 7-11. These birds were not
like Calvin, however. They did not have two wings like Calvin. Instead,
they had only two wings.
"Help," said one of the young birds. "Our friend, Axl, has had too
much Jack Daniels (alcohol) to drink and he is passed out. We are afraid
that he might die of alcohol poisoning! Please help us, Calvin!"
Calvin knew exactly what to do. He took off, soaring above the 7-11
majestically upon his two wings.
"Damn," said Calvin's inner monologue, "I need to take a shit!"
And so he did. Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk pooped. And
as he pooped, he crashed into the big skyscraper next to the 7-11 and fell
tragically to his death.
"Fuck," said one of the younger birds, "I can't live in this world
any longer!" Then he ate a triscuit that was laced with cyanide and fell
dead to the floor.
"Fuck," said another one of the younger birds, "how could someone
just give up on life like that?" Then a truck swerved off the road and
into the 7-11, crushing this bird, along with six of his friends. There
was fire and smoke everywhere.
An explosion in the back of the 7-11 caused the Slurpee machine to
spew out ice and syrup. It shot out of the windows into another young
bird's mouth. His brain froze. Another bird had a heart attack at the
sight of this. Yet another bird, who was watching this scene from afar,
laughed so hard that his diaphragm exploded and he died of internal
bleeding.
By the time the cops showed up, there were at least 100,000 corpses
at the scene, and counting. They didn't know what to do. It was horrible.
The chief of police asked, hopelessly, "How will we ever clean this mess
up?"
Just then, a plane flew by the place and dropped a large black
object out of its doors. The large black object was not a piano. It was a
NUCLEAR BOMB!
Seconds later, the bomb exploded, and everything fell silent. The
President of the United States watched the mushroom cloud on his television
in the Oval Office as he masturbated with his thumb pressed up into his
rectum. He blew a load all over the desk and laughed maniacally.
The First Lady opened the door to the office and walked in.
"Jesus," she said, "it smells like death in here!"
And she was right. The President's spunk reeked of death.
This was not because of the nuclear bombing, of course, but rather
because the President had just been fucking a dead body. It was the dead
body of Stanley Kubrick, which The President had bought from the Government
of Paraguay for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 U.S. Dollars.
The President just laughed some more and picked up his 2-Liter
bottle of Absolut Vodka. He drank it all down in one sip, like it was
water. He laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, his laugh turned into a
terrified scream, as the ghost of Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk
flew through the Oval Office window like a bullet, shattering the glass,
and then right through the forehead and brain of the President.
"Noooooooooooooo," screamed the First Lady. But Calvin
Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk and his two wings were nowhere to be
found. Justice had been served.
Later that night, the First Lady also had sex with the lifeless
corpse of Stanley Kubrick, as his penis had been made eternally erect by a
Paraguayan master taxidermist.
God sat above in heaven and smiled on his great Earth. But, then,
he was only smiling because he had just injected 50 grams of heroin into
his left eyeball. It felt good. Oh, yes, indeed. It all felt real good.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #551 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 4/6/99 ]