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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #520
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/16/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Why I am writing this? Why am I going to give this to Kelly?
I am an introvert. I look to myself to find what I search for.
My thoughts need directions and my feelings wander as if in a mystical
forest searching for the golden prize of 'good feelings'. My thoughts
can only proceed on a path, yet they are lost. What they search for is
unknown, but I am searching for something or I would not feel lost.
My childhood was filled with thoughts, logical observation,
metaphysical arguments, answering questions and feeling the house of my
ego develop with time and introverted experience. I used to wander in
real forests when I was young. My dreams were of those forests turning
into deserts and wandering through them in search of a strange
personified object. I would search for it because it was so strange. I
was always tired of going over what was known. The issue of great
Nova-Object was always in limelight of my inner being.
I also started to develop affinities and infatuations with certain
girls when I was six or seven. They were vague and undefined to me in the
rational world I had become so comfortable in. One experience would
always come back to me. When I was about eight or nine, I played a lot
with one girl. She was a year older then me, and had long hair and was
very shy and fairy like. We would play house all the time. One time we
transformed a picnic table into a house with our imaginations. She would
pretend we were husband and wife and we would go through different
periods of the day. For example, we had dinner in "afternoon". I would
always feel that this game was so silly and pointless but for some reason
I would just always give in and go along with the agenda of her fantasy.
When it was "night" and time for bed would lie under the table and
pretend we were in a bed, and I was very nervous because I didn't
understand what we were supposed to do. I would just lay there like I was
sleeping and be like "ok, is it morning yet?" and she be like "no" then
I was just laying there and she would put her arm around me and for some
reason I got really embarrassed and after a while I just rolled out from
under her arm and the table and got up and was like "ok, its morning".
Much later on, when we stopped playing together or even associating
I found out her parents had been divorced and she lived with her mother.
I rarely acted on feelings. I always acted on rational thought.
Which is probably why I was never very active, and why I was never in
fights or developed relationships with girls. Because of this, I
developed very antisocial persona, even though I was always around peers.
My thoughts became more and more fixed on understanding human behavior
which I never did until around the time of 5th or 6th grade when I begin
to discover and open up the world of emotions and feelings. I became more
and more interested in art and music and finding the 'good feelings'. My
attention turned to fiction (sci-fi) like Dune and Asimov's world of
Androids and music like Pink Floyd, Alan Parson (I Robot), The Beatles,
but my taste even wandered off into soul and rythmic R&B and even Cyndi
Lauper (who I still like, though of course no one understands why).
Later, I also discovered art like paintings by H.R.Giger and Boklin on
the internet.
But, also, about that time thoughts turned my new world of
imagination and emotion and my ego-consciousness which is socially
oriented into a undefined depression. I discovered that my point of view
of life was very different from others. I never really thought about my
future or what I "wanted to do with my life" and I never felt that if
something happened like if I failed a grade or became poor that my "life
would be ruined" which is why I never really excelled academically or
understand why others felt it so important. I never considered academics
or the pursuit of wealth or a family etc was "my life" like it seemed to
be for others. I always felt that one should only "work to live, not live
to work". I also never really cared about my appearance.
Then came the period when I became sick of all emotion and
irrational behavior and I pulled it up out of my psyche. I up-rooted it
and analyzed it and searched to discover "what I was" and what I found or
what was brought into the full light of consciousness was that I was
nothing more then a program, another automated object who's freewill
truly is an illusion. I came to devalue many things but most importantly
human life and life in general. Life and death had little difference. To
construct and to destruct became the same thing, for destruction can only
occur if there has been construction and visa versa. That was one of the
many opposites that had a messy reconciliation followed by the opposites
in emotions: to be happy mattered just much as being sad.
These concepts of indifference that developed began getting
attacked by the emotional and what some would call the "human" world. My
whole consciousness still did not understand how to integrate these
concepts into my behavior so I continued to get up in the morning and go
to school and play that little game everyday and whatnot. Soon my whole
life was like a passive automation. I had no ambition to change or 'do'
something. I became sick with a gray cloud of "emptiness" and nihilism.
Also, I became very annoyed with people. I was tired of hearing them
complain about there lives and there little problems and hearing their
moralistic attitudes describing things as "sick" or "cool". Everywhere
I found such irrational duality like "good and bad" and "right and wrong".
It got to the point where I brought earplugs with me to school so
I wouldn't have to hear people talk and sound so stupid.
That's when the intense infatuations over girls I didn't even know
began. It was like the only thing that could make we "well" again or
"together" was to unite with my natural opposite, a female. My life is no
longer about finding the Nova-Object it was about finding a Girl. I felt
pathetic. After many times of actually approaching girls to discover how
stupid they are and usually how disgusted they are of me, I realized that
the objects of my affection where my own projections. The girl that I was
searching for only existed in my head. This is also the time of intense
dreams that made no sense and my studies and jungian pyschoanalytical
theories. I was also opened to the world of Taoism and oriental thought
which brought me back in touch with my earlier attitudes of indifference.
I want to be a fireman when I grow. I would be a hero. I would
earn respect from the people around me who I secretly fear and am
dominated by. I am a slave to society and money. Happiness is the label
on the block I hold.
A child girl can be evil like a sweet poison. So dominated by
emotion and unconscious suggestion. Yet that suggest is sometimes very
superior to my own thoughts when they contradict my feelings. She holds
the magical ball shaped block and wonder and excitement.
In the forest of introverted reality there is an old wise man who
holds an uncarved block. I discovered him once. But, one must sacrifice
the ego to become him. And, dance apon the foolish family of his psyche
in the house of his ego to become and that indivisible individual.
Now I know I must not discard my emotions or my rational thoughts.
Each must lead the other to build a rich and interesting tapestry to
define life so that one still values it.
This is why I no long disdain or repress my entire irrational
behavior that I am consciously aware of. I make peace with it. But I
also try to let my ego have its ambitions to grow and gain strength over
my life force.
"Life" can become boring or sad or embarrassing. But they shall
no longer hold as much value. The only world I live in is the one in my
head. To expand and dominate consciousness one must realize this.
Who should I give this dumb letter to? Ah, I will give it to that
Kelly girl who I know almost nothing of. It should be interesting to see
how she responds. And I shall veal whatever secret motif I have to open
myself to someone with the "I was bored" or "why not".
So, I wrote this letter because I was bored and I gave it to
Kelly because... why not?
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #520 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 3/16/99 ]