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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #438 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Alcohol Discoveries On Electrifying" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> M4D 3LF !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !!
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I went drinking with my mom and my mom's boyfriend on Christmas
Eve. Don't ask my why, I knew they were going to do their best to get
me drunk. I started off with a Mountain Dew, I was trying to play it
cool, but I had good reason to get fucked up so I moved on to Zima (no
Hooch, damn).
After I had three Zimas they brought out the 100 proof fire water,
I was feeling pretty tipsy (yeah, I'm way a lightweight) but I still had
the brains to say "No way". After a bloody mary and two beers? Well,
let's just say that I lost my instinct of self-preservation. I downed
a double shot of the fiery concoction and slammed the glass on the bar.
My throat burned and coughed out a slurred, "Did they go they go over to
the gas station to fill my glass?" Ha ha. Two more beers, one more
double shot, I was dancing with death. Mom was driving back to her
boyfriend's house; her boyfriend hanging out the passenger door, me
hanging out the sliding door, puking our guts, and anything else we
had, out.
I woke up on the bathroom floor, dazed, with the most awful taste
in my mouth. To paraphrase Stephen King's "The Stand", I felt as if a
baby dragon had been using my mouth as a training potty. Christmas was
uneventful, but I was glad not to have a hangover, only an uneasy nausea
anytime anyone mentioned shots or fire water.
Later on that week, I was reading Anjee's t-file, "Electrifying
Discoveries On Alcohol", (HOE #389) it reminded me of my recent
experience with alcohol and my experiences with electricity. Being a
lover of all things electronic, I've been electrocuted a good many times.
None sticks out in my mind as the time I was replacing the turntable on
my Admiral console stereo. It wasn't a problem to remove the back panel
and I was soon rewarded with the beautiful sight of cris-crossing red,
blue, and orange. I quickly located the screws holding the turntable's
suspension to the main unit and removed them, Charity, my wife, watching
disapprovingly. I then turned the turntable over and examined the
underside in better light, tracing the audio wires from the amplifier.
Tugging lightly where they met the unit, I found they were connected with
standard RCA type plugs, but the power wires were soldered to the unit
and had to be cut. Leaning over the top of the console, I was hanging,
upside down, stripping the wires with my teeth (boy I need a wire
stripper) when my forehead came in contact with the other wire,
completing the circuit.
/|
/ |
/ |
/ |
/ |
/ |
/ /
/ /
/ /
/ /___________
/ /
ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAA PPPPPPPPPP
ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAAAA PPPPPPPPPPP
ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP
ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP
ZZZ AAA AAA PPPPPPPPPPP
ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPPPPPPPPP
ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPP
ZZZ AAA AAA PPP
ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP
ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP
/__________ /
/ /
/ /
/ /
/ /
| /
| /
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| /
|/
I fell to the floor in a crumpled mass, paralyzed, my wife
standing over me saying "Steven, Steven!", shaking me. When I regained
control of my motor skills the only thing I could do was laugh at
myself, of course Charity thought I was joking and proceeded to yell at
me for scaring her. I got up slowly, shook my head to clear the cobwebs,
and fell back down. I tried to console Charity, but my tongue wasn't
working with my mouth, the dynamic duo just couldn't get it right this
time. She was now convinced that I had fried my brain, but I rose to my
feet again, unplugged the stereo, and finished what I was doing.
So, what are my thoughts on shots of 50% alcohol vs. sticking
your tongue in a electrical socket? I'd choose to stick my tongue in a
socket again. Although the effects of electrical shock are pretty
short-term, you don't get the hangover and nausea you get with alcohol.
Plus electrocution is relatively easy to obtain; a shot of 100 proof
alcohol could run you in excess of $3, more if you're under age, while
there's sure to be an open electrical socket where ever you are. The
best reason of all, however, is the fact that you can scare the living
bejesus out of your friends, relatives, or significant other.
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #438, WRITTEN BY: M4D 3LF - 1/15/99 !!