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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #422 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Talented" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !!
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Somewhere in time and space a young man searches for the answer
to the question which is life. He walks countless miles and climbs
for countless days to reach the top of the mountain. When he finally
arrives, he finds a old man with a long, white beard sitting in the
lotus position, meditating.
"Oh, honorable elder," the young man says with exhaustion.
"I've traveled countless miles, climbed countless days and have obtained
countless calluses on my hands and feet all to ask to receive some small
nugget of knowledge which will enlighten me for the rest of my days..."
The elder slowly breaks his meditation and turns to look at the
young man's expectant face. He slowly opens his mouth to the young man's
delight, "You are talented in many ways." Then he is silent. He turns
away from the young man and goes back into his meditation. The young
man, feeling ripped off by the quality of the message he had wasted a
good portion of his life chasing, promptly commits suicide by jumping
off a cliff.
Of course who could blame him? He came seeking enlightenment and
walked away with a complement -- and a lame one at that. That's exactly
how I felt when I saw what passes for fortune cookie fortunes these
days...
"You are talented in many ways."
What the fuck is that?! Is this a fortune or a direct quote from
"I'm Ok, You're Ok"? Technically, it's not even a fortune! Did some
new age, reject Complement Cookies (TM) by mistake find its way into
my Wednesday dinner? COME ON! If I paid 10 dollars for a reading from
some mystic on the street corner to tell me that "You are talented in
many ways." I'd demand my money back, then beat them over the head with
their crystal ball. What's next?
"You are very smart."
"Everybody loves you."
"Your dick is very big."
It's great for those first impressions...
"So, Mutter, tell me a little bit about yourself."
"Well, apparently my dinner thinks I am quite talented (in
many ways)."
"I... see..."
I don't even like Chinese food. The only thing I even remotely
enjoy about the whole Chinese fast food eating experience is the fucking
fortune cookies. They are tasty as hell and come with a bit of
entertainment. But can I have a nice normal fortune cookie? No.
Instead I get some cookie designed for the manic depressant in us all.
The cookie itself probably contained a good dose of prozac. I can see
it now...
"Sir, Americans are just too fat and lazy. They see their work
as pointless. Production is very low."
"What can we do to alleviate these problems?"
"Well, our research team has determined that the average
American loves fast food... especially Chinese fast food. The
development team came up with these fortune cookies, guaranteed to
reduce the American worker to the smiling dolt he should be."
"Yes! A happy worker is a hard worker. Send the happy cookies
into their food stream immediately!"
Or maybe the story behind the message is even more sinister. A
warped experiment in mind control? Shifting the will of the people
through some cleverly placed seeds from an unexpected source? Think
about the subliminal effects of such a message on the collective. Will
crime decrease? Will the economy get better? Will drug use increase
among teenagers? Who knows the ripple effects a seemingly innocent,
yet weird message would have on the human mind? Did you know that many
fortune cookie companies in America are actually CIA fronts or in other
ways silently owned by the U.S. government? It's true. What effect
might the fortune cookies have on the political swaying of America? Who
cares? All I want is some trite little statement about the future
inside a tasty cookie. But not even that simple desire will be met in
the happy-joy world of today where your dinner is giving you pep talks.
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #422, WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 1/13/99 !!