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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #386 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "This History of Capitalism" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !!
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Capitalism is an economic system. Although some people claim
it's a moral system. However, Pink Floyd spoke wisely when they said
this about them:
"Bullshit."*
Anyway, Capitalism was founded in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt when
his hand turned invisible due to exposure to radiation from the Van
Allen Belt. He then had a revelation that the world would be a lot
better off if it had more car commercials.
Some people think Capitalism is a bad thing. They're all a bunch
of commies, and they ought to be taken out back and shot. Without
capitalism, we wouldn't have the "Wacky Wall Walker", for which of
course the Internet has now been named, which is why so many Internet
addresses start with "http://www". The http part I can't tell you
because it's a classified CIA state secret that only John Grubor knows
the true answers to. Anyway, in Communist Russia they didn't have
economic freedom, which is why they had to all eat borscht and if they
complained the KGBeast would come by and read John Lennon lyrics to you
until Batman came by and beat him up because he thought the Ramones
were way cooler. And that's why Russia is no longer communist. Now
that Russia is a free nation they get to be controlled by the Mafia
just like the rest of us instead of some big ol' nasty intellectual
liberals.
There's two kinds of capitalism, conservative capitalism and
liberal capitalism. Conservative capitalism doesn't like abortion and
liberal capitalism doesn't either but doesn't want to outlaw it.
Liberal capitalism was founded by John Maynard Keyes, who is Alan Keyes'
uncle, despite the fact that "John Maynard Keyes" is just an alias for
"Gibby Haynes", who is the guy who founded all the underwear factories.
Anyway, he realized that conservatives like Adam Weishaupt didn't want
to wear underwear because they thought it was a blasphemy against God
and anyway their dicks were just as invisible as their hands, so he
founded LIBERALISM so that FDR could get more supreme court justices,
but the supreme court said that that was unconstitutional because
fifteen is the Number of the Beast minus 651, which of course is the
penal code number for frottage, and anyway Roosevelt only played with
poo-poo heads. So then the gobment made everybody buy underwear, and
if they didn't they bought the underwear themselves and gave it to
their girlfriends.
So this was all well and good for a while, but then Ronald
Grayface Reagan, whose name is an anagram of "Adolf Hitler", as Lou told
me last night, got into office, and whenever he got on airplanes the
stewardesses were all wearing underwear so it was no fun to look up
their dresses, and this made him mad so he fired all the air traffic
controllers, and everybody who was making underwear had to start making
IZOD shirts or nucular bombs to sell to the military, because by this
time the followers of Adam Weishaupt had decided that the government
buying stuff was OK as long as it was bombers and cocaine and stuff.
At about this time, everybody started getting pissed off at the
"New World Order", but it's a big SECRET so nobody seems to know exactly
what it is. As far as I can tell, it all started when Hulk Hogan,
who is secretly CANADIAN along with Geddy Lee, started thinking that
American underwear was no good, and we had to start buying CANADIAN
underwear. This made everybody scared because everybody knows there's
a giant sucking sound out there somewhere, and everybody thought
that underwear that wasn't American would get all stuck in their crotch
and give them wedgies. And as if that weren't bad enough, back after
World War II President Truman founded the UN to give out halloween candy
to kids, which seems innocent enough, but now instead of the U.S.
government paying for the nucular weapons, OTHER countries wanted to
pay for our weapons, which in and of itself is OK, because we have junk
sales every few years where we sell our old weapons to other countries
and watch them try to attack us with them, and then laugh as we take our
big shiny NEW WEAPONS like the "Frottage Detector" and kick their butt
with them. But this is different because the UN wants BLACK
HELICOPTERS, and Jesse Helms doesn't like this because he doesn't like
anything black; if they're going to get helicopters they have to be RED
WHITE AND BLUE. Anyway, the only way to stop this is by STRICT
ADHERENCE TO THE BIBLE, especially the lines about fist-fucking.**
Endnotes:
* -- Pink Floyd, "Money", _Dark Side of the Moon_, 1973.
** -- God, "The Song of Solomon", 5:3-7, _The Bible_, 4412 B.C.
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #386, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/28/98 !!