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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #366 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The True Meaning of Christmas" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/22/98 !!
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Santa Claus recently made headlines when he announced his plans
to stop giving toys away to wide-eyed children around the world.
Instead, he decided to sell them for a modest fee.
"You can think of me as the Santa Claus for the 90s. It happened
one day when I was building a toy train for little Bobby Morgon. I
looked down at the toy I had put all that time and effort into and
thought, 'Hey, what am I getting out of this deal?' Making a little
boy's dream come true? Love and thanks? Get real, I said to myself.
Can you buy a new fur coat with love and dreams? No. It was truly a
moment of insight."
Instead, Santa Claus has opened a chain of toy stores across the
country which boasts the "lowest prices for the hottest toys." Some
children have complained that the toys are defective or poorly built.
One child even choked to death on a plastic piece which fell off her
dollhouse. "Sure, we had to cut a few corners. The name of the game is
profit." said Claus.
Still, Santa's critics are accusing the jolly fat man of becoming
just another greedy corporate sell-out that exploits the Christmas
season. "Oh please! Christmas hasn't been about peace on Earth, good
will towards man and all that jazz for quite some time now. Giving? Get
real. It's about getting! Buy, buy, buy! The stores know it. Is it so
horrible that I'm starting to acknowledge it?"
Continuing his trend of getting 'real', Santa Claus announced
today his suit against several corporations, most notably the Coca-Cola
Corp. "They've been using my name and image to sell their products for
years. You think I've seen dime one of the money they should be paying
in royalties? No! I just want what is rightfully mine."
Rumors have even started about elves working under sweat shop
conditions and getting paid relatively nothing. Santa declined to
comment on this; but, did offer some final words before getting back to
one of his many busy stores. "I use to be young and naive. I use to
think that happiness was reward enough; but then I grew up. You can't
pay the bills with milk and cookies. You've got to work the system or
else you're nobody. You've got to turn a profit ... make some cash!
It's the American way."
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #366 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 12/22/98 !!