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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !!
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I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian
again.
I don't really know what sparked this. Maybe it's because, for
the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and
cottage cheese. Occasionally, a potato. But I think I've only eaten
red meat once in that entire time.
This is not like me. My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my
body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO? But the more I think about it, the
more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina
Dressing and Fake Baco's.
I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile
of rabbit food. However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and
they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell? It's fat free,
why not try some freaky new dressing. Surprise! Yummy! So I made my
usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake
Baco's, and some Catalina dressing.
After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other
food? I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life.
Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my
usual toppings free at work. And suddenly, the thought of becoming a
vegetarian crossed my mind.
But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix!
They're so CRISPY. They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE. I
couldn't mess with perfection. Not now; now that I had discovered the
Perfect Food.
So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those
wonderful morsels of glory.
SOY!!!!!
Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee.
How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy
taste like ANYTHING? Alas, these questions are best saved for later --
MUCH later. After a few more salads.
But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to
become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I
so much love to hate? Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more
complicated. I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want
to EVER become a vegetarian.
Reason #1
=========
I hate farm animals. I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to
be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live. I HATE
THEM -- living. Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they
are OK. But MAN... I really hate cows.
This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome.
Reason #2
=========
I hate Politically Correct Bastards. The LAST person I wanted to
become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects. I didn't
want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who
complained every time someone ordered a sandwich. She really, REALLY
pissed me off. And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to
stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes? Will I
completely lose my sense of humor?
This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway.
Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard
drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which
I Hate.
Reason #3
=========
I am a meat pimp. I sell burgers and chicken for a living. I
will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too
good" for pimpin' and get a real job.
I could live with that one. I'm already a hypocrite.
Reason #4
=========
Thanksgiving turkey. KFC. Sausage and pepperoni pizza. Fast
food. Deer sausage. Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins.
Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one. I live on Chicken
and Cheese Quesodillas. What else is there to eat at Perkins?
Mozzerella sticks?
The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted
another salad.
*crunch*
mmmmmmmmm...
THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
THE SALAD TELLS ME--
I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR
EAT THE SALAD
EAT THE SALAD
...no more meat for me.
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !!