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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #312 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Beepers" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !!
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It used to be only drug dealers and doctors carried beepers.
What a glorious commentary on the evolution of telecommunication
technology in our society when a plain old loser like me, who has no
need for a beeper, can actually afford one!@#
Yeah. Don't ask HOW. Ask HOW MUCH. So, taking this wise advice
I marched my financially-deprived ass down to the store and bought
myself the biggest, (cheapest) piece of shit beeper available. Am I
happy? You betcha.
"Hey, mutter. Check out my new motorola beeper. It fits on my
keychain!"
God damn it. What's the point of that? What's the point of
having such an obscure little pager that fits nice and snug on your
body and is UNNOTICEABLE? I want every punk on the street to know I'm
constantly wired into the global village -- that I couldn't escape it
if I wanted to. I WANT them to know my ball and chain is attached to
my pocket and follows me wherever I go. I WANT them to know I have one
more thing that I NEED to have on me so I don't feel naked. I NEED
them to know when it goes off. Vibrating alarm?... fuck that. I want a
goddamn siren on my beeper. I want bells and whistles to go off and
balloons to fall from the ceiling. I want the voice of God to announce
from the heavens in his booming, omnipotent voice "MUTTER IS IMPORTANT."
[I have issues.]
So now I got a beeper. I'm connected. I'm cool. I'm starting
to talk in codes...
"y0, 112. wuz the 411?! I was just chillin' and illin' in 212
when this punk started fucking around so I opened up a can of 187 on
his ass. He had to 911. Afterwards we pulled a 420. Hell yeah. There
was this girl there and she was all like 69 but her boyfriend was there
and tried to send my ass to 666. Shit!"
Not only that, but now I have to learn to interpret people's
weird codes. For instance, today I got beeped with "07734" -- it took
me about ten minutes to figure out what this meant. Think about it...
They're also the best for getting out of difficult situations.
Just think of how many times you would have liked to glance at a beeper
and said, "Oh. I'd really like to stay, but my beeper just went off
and I have to go." Sure, you can do it with a box of Good & Plenty but
the effect just isn't the same...
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #312 - WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 12/6/98 !!