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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #305 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Rise of The Mogels, The Final Chapter" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !!
!!========================================================================!!
The following story is an attempt to tie the loose ends of a
bizarre series started in HOE #103, #111, #119, and #127. Please refer
to those issues, if you're particularly masochistic and bored. They
were written by Nybar, Mercuri, and Murmur.
!!========================================================================!!
"me ToO!!!#!"
"mE tO0!/$%?$/"
This was the cry of the Mogels. It was not heard loud through
the wilderness. Children did not read quotes of Mogel in their history
books, and pregnant women did not scream this at birth. That is because
Mogel, after being cloned, was repressed by science.
For decades, the Mogels were locked in a cage at Illinois
Wesleyan University for study. Scientists from around the world came
to watch the behavior of a few thousand little buggers who were exactly
alike. They seemed so content in their little world of mazes, doors,
and electric zapping pain things. Scientists used them as an example to
show that society would get along just fine if everyone was exactly
alike.
Each moment, each movement, each reaction, exactly alike.
There came to be a new form of philosophy called "Mogalium", in
which all thought processes were directly associated to the completely
predictable movements and decisions of the Minimogels. Their
thought-making process, breathing patterns, movements, and all other
attributes of their character were studied so much and the basis of so
many similar reports that nothing new could come from studying them any
longer. They had proven themselves outmoded.
Once worldly scientists stopped coming to the university and all
new books of research on the Minimogels ended up in bargain bins at
Toys 'R Us, Illinois Wesleyan didn't know what to do with their little
project. The Mogels' individual diets of tofu and ice cubes didn't cost
much for the university, but in times of increasing financial
competition between private institutions of higher learning, Wesleyan
needed to make sure that all cash outflow meant income down the line.
So they told the scientists to get rid of the Minimogels. The
scientists, who were at the meeting, snubbed their noses at the
administration. Said scientist Jubjub, "To Observe. It is imperative we
preserve the natural balance! If even ONE MOGEL is killed it could be
DISASTEROUS!"
The administration replied that no further observation was to be
done, and then kicked Jubjub in the groin.
"Get a move on, turd," they told him.
Jubjub returned to the lab and contemplated his situation. He
loved these minimogels like his best friends. They were so kind and
always wore happy faces. He couldn't allow himself to put them in a
position where any harm could come to them. Could he convince the
university to keep them all?
He called up his friends Mercuri and Nybar. They were together
in a Ford Windstar taking a circular trek across a large parking lot.
Mercuri: Ello!
Jubjub: Help! The Minimogels are in danger!
Mercuri: What kind of danger?
Nybar: The van is halfway off the cliff!
Mercuri: What are the Mogels doing in a van?
Jubjub: They're not in a van, they're here in the lab, like
always!
Mercuri: What was that about a van?
Jubjub: I didn't say anything about a van, Nybar did!
Mercuri: What did you say about that van, Nybar?
Nybar: Nevermind, Mercuri, we're plummeting to our death.
Mercuri: Oh, ok, nevermind about the van then.
Jubjub: What are you guys doing? Are you in a van?
Mercuri: We're in a van plummeting to our death.
Jubjub: Will you live?
Mercuri: No, we're on our way to die, see, so we'll be _dead_.
Jubjub: Sure?
Mercuri: Yeah.
Jubjub: OK, talk to you guys later.
Mercuri: Bye.
Nybar: BYE!
- - - - - - - - - -
Mercuri and Nybar looked out of the windshield.
Mercuri: Wait, we're not dying. There's no cliff. We're in a
parking lot.
Nybar: I'm so sick of this shit.
Mercuri: This happens often.
Nybar: Every fourth year, right after elections.
Mercuri: Eat my brains?
Nybar: Mmmmm.
Nybar pulled out a spoon and began to devour Mercuri's brain.
Nybar: Mmmmmm.
Nybar continued to devour Mercuri's brain.
Nybar: Oh, shit.
Nybar ate some more of Mercuri's brain.
Nybar: God fucking damn it. Nobody's driving this van. This
is exactly what happened the last time... we're DOOMED!
The van had left its circular path and connected head-on with the
nearby mall. As Nybar's body violently smashed on the sides of the van
his head crashed through the passenger side window. Blood was
everywhere.
- - - - - - - - - -
A secret conversation about a secret plan took place between two
secret people.
"Well, we need someone whose disappearance would be left
unnoticed. but we found it. _the_ (& you can quote me on this &
underscore the word "the") most useless, harmless, & generally overlooked
job is actually _e-zine editor_," said Voice One.
"But how can we get one of these 'e-zine' editors?"
"Sex."
"No, I'm not having sex with one of them just to get them into the
lab," Voice Two said defensively.
"No, buttwipe, seduce one with sex. They can't turn it down. You
offer them a woman to ride their donkey, and they'll... they'll... kill
CHILDREN for you. They'll do ANYTHING," voice one told voice two.
"And all we have to do is get one to our lab."
"Right."
"OK, let's go find one. What do they look like?" asked Voice Two.
"Their heads are smashed in car windows and they hold spoons of
half-eaten brains."
"Hey, I know just the place! The old mall by the old phone
company by the old computer company," voice two said excitedly.
"Do they have e-zine editors there?"
"I saw one yesterday!"
"Great. Send out your daughter and get things rolling.
Seduction of e-zine editor beginning... now."
- - - - - - - - - -
Voice Two, also known as Jubjub, sat in a car in the old abandoned
parking lot with his beautiful daughter, named Daughter. He couldn't say
anything that would convince her to help him with his mission.
Jubjub: I'll give you cunnilingus every night for the next 3
years.
*awkward silence*
Jubjub: So I got these pictures of Nybar with only his
underwear on...
Daughter: Underwear? Is Nybar the guy you want me to seduce?
Jubjub: Yeah. Here's the picture.
The picture showed Nybar's 16 erect nipples and the outline of
his enormous member shone through his underwear like a whale in a wading
pool.
Daughter ran out of the car and over to the van, which was
completely destroyed. Nybar's head was cut all over and his hair
shimmered in the sun -- not because of its natural shininess but rather
because of all the caked oozing blood and glass shards located within.
His legs looked as if they were a special addition to the dashboard
ventilation system and he held a spoon of uneaten brains.
Daughter: Hey there cutey... how are you doin'?
Nybar: Can't complain... you going to dummercon?
Daughter: I... I dunno.
Nybar: If you want to live, you have to do what I do.
Daughter: If _I_ want to live? What about _you_? You're fucking
destroyed, asshole.
Nybar: Don't talk dirty to me.
Daughter: Penis asshole vagina boobies testicles vulv-- UHH
Nybar jumped out of the van and mounted Daughter. His enormous
penis swelled to full size and on the first thrust ripped right through
Daughter's pants and snugly inserted itself into her love canal. He
stayed in this position for a few minutes and Daughter used the
opportunity to walk over to Jubjub's car and throw Nybar into the back
seat.
"Good job. He most certainly is a e-zine editor. This is
perfect", Jubjub said. "Let's see how they react now!"
Daughter looked over at him and sneered. "This had better help
out whatever the hell you're doing. I think he was fucking my damned
esophagus. Jesus christ."
"You think that's bad? Wait until we have our way and you get
to meet a full-sized Mogel!" Jubjub broke into a fit of maniacal
laughter as he drove out of the parking lot and back to the laboratory
at Wesleyan.
- - - - - - - - - -
"oh my god," the assistant said. "i think we fucked up."
"perhaps this was thanks to the stolen catapaults," said jubjub.
Jubjub had devised an interesting scheme to put the Minimogels
back into scientific vogue. This scheme went as such:
a) Find e-zine editor
b) Clone e-zine editor
c) Put e-zine editor clones in with Minimogels
d) Write reports
e) Make money
They had just reached stage (c) and had fears of whether stage
(d) would be reached. Stay tuned.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Arf! Where's Froboy? Froboy raided my GARDEN. HE WENT INTO MY
FUCKING GAR-DEEN. Froboy ate my fucking carrots. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY
GOD DAMNED CARROTS FROBOY?" Mister Groody said.
Spanky told him that Froboy went home.
"What the PHRACK am I supposed to do now? That boy needs to DIE.
He ate my CARROTS. I'm going to go over to his house and KILL HIM. God
damned FROBOY. I don't know who he is but I'm going to kill him because
he ate my carrots, I think. Prepare my buggy. I shall travel to THAT
GOD DAMNED LOSER'S HOUSEHOLD AND TROUNCE UPON HIS VITAMIN-B ENRICHED
SELF."
Spanky told him, "Umm.. your stupid black kid is going to sneak
there with you and I sent your cat already."
"FINE THEN, I shall walk. Fetch hither BUCKWHEAT."
Spanky turned and left down the sandy trail to the boarding house
for the Negroes. When he got there, Buckwheat was the only one around.
"Buckwheat, where is everybody?"
"I think this little guy killed 'em all.
"What little guy?" Spanky looked around and still didn't see
anybody but Buckwheat in the boarding house.
"Look here," Buckwheat said as he held up his hand to show Spanky
what he had found.
"Frappin' fritters!" Spanky exclaimed.
"That's what I said when I saw 'im, Spanky! I don't know what to
do with 'im. He just showed up 'n done killed a bunch of people and
then I saw 'm and he just kept sayin' the same thing ovah and ovah
ag'in."
"What was that, Buckwheat? What'd the little man say to you?"
"He said, 'mE tO0!/$%?