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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #294 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Basics of Brother Torture" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Inner Logic !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/19/98 !!
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In this series of articles you will learn the basics of brother
torture and it's many methods. In this article you will learn the best
physical torture methods.
The first thing I would like to discuss is the coercement. This
is one of the most important things in little brother torture. It goes
like this.
The trick is to get your younger brother _REALLY_ mad at you.
This is easily done through acute mental scrutiny. The scrutiny method
is like best is the "you smell like a horse" method. What I do is just
repeat this over and over, eventually driving him insane. This method
works great while he's talking on the phone. Eventually he will become
so annoyed that he will strike out blindly at you with a blunt object of
some sort. Now you can do whatever you want, because you have an alibi,
the "he hit me first" alibi.
Another great coercement method is the "push the little daisies"
method. This is basically the same as the "you smell like a horse"
method except instead of chanting "you smell like a horse" you pull your
shirt over your head and run around his room yelling "Push the little
daisies and make 'em come up" in the most annoying voice you can make.
He'll find it funny at first, but after about 10 minutes he'll have had
enough and want to chop your head off. At this point he will assault
you and then do as you please. The best time to use this method is when
he has one of his little friends over for a tea-party. The friends will
think its hilarious and your little bro will eventually scream "IT IS
NOT FUNNY" at them.
Now its time for the torture. A great method is the "typewriter"
this is one of the funniest gags around! First toss your brother on a
bed. Now sit on his stomach. At this time he'll wonder what the hell
is going on. The next step is important. Depending on the strength and
size of your little bro, you must decide on the pressure to use. What
you do is you pin each of his arms down with each of your knees. Having
done this you begin to "type your letter". I like to act like I'm
writing a letter home from camp...what I say usually goes like this,
"Dear mom" (as I do this I pretend to type on an invisible typewriter on
his chest) at that I say "oops...i messed up" and pull on his hair acting
like I'm removing a piece of paper. Then I pull down on his earlobes
pretending that I'm loading in a new piece. Then I start from the
beginning. This goes on until I get bored or until he starts crying,
from the latter a confrontation with my mom will usually ensue.
The next method I'd like to discuss is the "fish-hook" method.
This is a quick, efficient, fun method. It is a sneak attack that works
great in the kitchen. what you do is while your little brother is
distracted by the fridge, you sneak up behind him and hook one of your
fingers into his cheek. Now you've got him. You can drag him around and
make him give you money, candy, or whatever. When he resists, pull hard
on his cheek, that'll get him really steamed and he'll probably slobber
all over your hand, so I suggest wearing a rubber glove (this also leaves
a VERY unpleasant taste in you victims mouth).
The third and final method I will discuss is the "Milkshaker"
method, this is the simplest of all methods. The first step is to toss
your little bro to the ground. Having done this I would now suggest
invoking the typewriter method as an intro. After the typewriter you
scissor you legs around his mid-body, lock them, squeeze, and begin to
shake violently. He will eventually puke, or his chest will cave in.
Though I doubt the latter will happen, as it has never happened to me.
Oh, Don't come crying to me when mommy and daddy ground you for
a year.
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #297 - WRITTEN BY: INNER LOGIC, 11/19/98 !!