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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #278 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Smart Bomb" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Seaya !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !!
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Dr. John Vas Deferens worked at the Pentagon as a military
intelligence specialist. He thought of ways to minimize security risk and
promote peace through the development of bigger, better, and faster
weapons. He loved his job. He enjoyed the hours, the prestige, and most of
all the fact that he was bringing about World Peace.
Vas Deferens went into work that Monday morning with anticipation
of his weekly duty of weapons inspection. He would once again be able to
walk down the long assembly lines of nuclear cruise missiles and pat them
fondly. It was amazing the power in those long cylinders of potency. He
remembered with drooling delight the first time he saw footage of a
nuclear bomb exploding, its divine mushroom shape billowing out in
celebration of a new life, a new world being born.
But before he could engage in the pleasures of missile patting,
Vas Deferens had a crucial meeting to attend. It seems there weren't
enough boots and helmets for each of the units. Units were a fancy
military term for individual soldiers. Calling them units reminded them
that war had many grave consequences. After every war, for instance,
there were never enough supplies for each of the remaining units due to
the damaging nature of bullets on clothes and the tendency of helmets and
boots to be captured by the enemy along with the units. He shuddered at
the thought of such a loss of military property. They were strapped for
cash as it was, with the politicians in Washington diverting half the
defense budget to entitlement programs like education, Medicare, road
construction, and blueberry research in Maine. Didn't they know that they
were impeding the process of peacemaking through the balance of power?
The only way to uphold World Peace was a with a well stocked army.
The news of the meeting was worse than he had thought. Millard
Fillmore AFB had only 500 uniforms, 300 pairs of boots, and 650 helmets
for 2000 units. This was a crucial base which housed a new experimental
plane which was equipped with the ability to sustain units for four years
in outer space just in case it became necessary to abandon the earth as a
hopeless dead planet. This was a reality they all had to face. One
couldn't be too prepared for nuclear holocaust. It was a possible outcome
of military action in the 21st century. And nowadays one never knew who
this threat could come from. Backward countries like India and Pakistan
had now developed the bomb. This world was becoming dangerous! It was
necessary to support nuclear disarmament the world over. But how could
they do such a thing if the government would not fund their research on
the future of war?
After the meeting Vas Deferens made his escape to the missile
room. as he walked in the missile polishers were just finishing up their
morning shift and getting ready to go to lunch. When they left he was at
last alone with his creations -- state of the art WXX-251 missiles
complete with a satellite guided targeting system, retractable gliders,
and three nuclear warheads! They came in 12 unnatural and arousing colors,
designed by Vas Deferens himself to the great approval of General Mugwump
himself. The missiles gleamed in the brilliant yellow industrial lighting,
twinkling their welcome to Vas Deferens. he went to his favorite missile,
the "deluxe" model which included a mechanism by which it grew into twice
its size in the air on the way to the target. He pushed a button and
watched the missile grow. He looked around to see if there was anyone
looking. The clock said 12:15. Lunch was over in 15 minutes, so he had
about an hour or so until the polishers returned to the warehouse. He
then pushed another button and the missile moved into launch position,
about a 45 degree angle from the missile pad on which it lay. He put one
leg over the missile and jumped up, straddling its round shaft and
marveling as if for the first time at its enormous size and power. He
imagined riding on the missile as it sailed gracefully through enemy
skies on its way to destroy a crucial telecommunications net near a rural
third world village. The missile would adjust its course by command of
the satellite and thrust toward the waiting target. The collateral damage
alone would be devastating. He yelped in delight at the thought of such
scientific accuracy. Vas Deferens quickly dismounted from the missile as
he heard footsteps approaching in the hallway.
It was Ms. Serina Green, the Georgetown University graduate who
had just joined their unit supply data unit. She had graduated with a
dual major in English and Computer Science and had been hired by claiming
to know more about programming than she really did. Ms. Green had found it
hard to blend in with the Pentagon culture. She drank espresso rather than
good old American coffee. She didn't watch football, but preferred soccer.
She didn't have the proper security clearance to be working in the unit
supply data unit, so she had to have one of the staff accompany her every
time she left her office space. Private Latrine was with her now, leaning
against the door of the missile chamber with a look of bored disgust on
his face. private Latrine had had to accompany Ms. Green to the bathroom
one too many times that day after she had eaten a bad batch of chili from
the Pentagon Cafeteria. Vas Deferens frowned as he saw her walk in. She
made him feel really uncomfortable. Last time they spoke she had had the
audacity to insinuate that the destruction of units was actually the
destruction of human beings and that they should think of it as such! The
nerve!
"Ah! There you are Dr. Vas Deferens!" she exclaimed as her eyes
darted back and forth nervously over the contents of the warehouse, in
particular at the very provocative positioning of the deluxe missile
system. Vas Deferens cleared his throat and responded hastily, "Yes, what
is it Ms. Green, I'm on a tight schedule."
"Well, " she started tentatively, " um... I had a question."
"Yes, what is your question. If it is about matter of military
terminology I can help you understand it..." he offered.
"Well, actually, it's about the cup holder mechanism on the
computer. It's bent and won't retract," she explained frantically. Vas
Deferens watched the veins pop out of her slim white neck as she spoke
and realized suddenly that she was beautiful.
"Oh, yeah. I hate it when that happens. They just don't make cup
holders like they used to. Ask Private Latrine to replace yours, he
replaced mine just a week ago. I think I might need a new one soon."
Private Latrine smacked himself in the forehead in frustration and
muttered under his breath, "Damned fucking computer illiterate bastards.
This is the fifth CD-ROM this month alone."
"What was that Private?" Vas Deferens asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I said I'd get right on it, sir." he responded cautiously.
"Good. Now if you'll excuse me I am just finishing up with my
missile inspection duties Ms. Green and I'll leave you to Private
Latrine here."
"Thank you for all your help Dr. Vas Deferens." she responded with
her cute sideways smile. As she and Private Latrine exited Vas Deferens
reached out and pinched her butt for good luck. She squealed in surprise
and scampered quickly down the hall to report him to the office of
workplace misconduct, with Private Latrine in tow. Vas Deferens for his
part, took his mind off women and turned to the deluxe missile system. He
pushed the retracting button and patted the missile repeatedly as it went
back into storage position.
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #278 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 11/9/98 !!