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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #265 !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "How To Maintain the Mr. Sensitive !!
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Persona with the Girl Who Just !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Shit All Over Your Life" !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: a *purely* fictional tale by Trilobyte !!
!!========================================================================!!
You still remember that night. You were sitting in a cafe alone.
You had been alone for a while, and had no hope of your situation changing
anytime in the future. You looked about the place, and your eyes connected
with the eyes of a forlorn girl. Instantly, you were looking for love, and
she was the one who was going to help you find it. You would be a nice guy
to her, someone who would be there to listen to her problems and help her
to find her way through life.
And yeah, you started dating. You two could turn a boring
afternoon into a true occasion. She became the most beautiful person in
the world to you. Yeah, sex was incredible, and you wish you had lots of
photographs. But now that's all over with, because she decided to take the
piece of your soul you willingly handed her and wipe her ass with it. She
did a power-wipe too, one that really cleaned any last organism from her
ass. Then she took that piece of soul and flushed it down the toilet, and
it rode the pipeline with her load of shit all the way to the reclamation
district, where it joined every other useless, smelly, biodegradable,
unwanted, harmful-bacteria-infested batch of dung disposed of by all humans
everywhere.
And there it lays, covered by brown-streaked toilet paper, used
tampons, and pools of urine and bile. All alone, decaying and rotten, it
gets trampled all over by her and her new man in their matching black Doc
Martens. This new man wears all black and hates people. He couldn't be a
positive influence on her, and he couldn't truly be what she wants.
So damn it, you want to win her back. How can you do that? Keep
being Mr. Sensitive! Understand her concerns. Talk to her, listen to
her, be there for her. Any good loving relationship has to have a quality
friendship behind it!
But deciding where to start can be a problem. After all, you
haven't talked since she exploded your soul with a pipe bomb. You have
seen each other randomly and only exchanged expressions of "gee, you're
there." You wish you had exchanged expressions of "Gee, I love you, come
hold me, let's make things how they used to be." But that was not the
case.
So instead of awkwardly acknowledging each other, walk up to her,
and ask her how she has been doing. An example:
You: "Hi, GirlX. How are you?"
GirlX: "I am OK."
See? That wasn't hard at all! Then continue:
You: "Please go fetch the last remaining scrap of my life from the
pulsating globular pits of Norse hell."
GirlX: "Gladly!"
Wow! She's even willing to help you. But the conversation could
take a turn for the worse. For example, maybe you had hoped to drop a
bombshell on her to catch her off guard, but she brings it up first! Case
in point:
You: "What have you been up to lately?"
GirlX: "Well, I've been watching movies, drinking coffee, fucking the guy
I was seeing behind your back before you and I broke up."
You: "Yeah, sure! Fucking lying BITCH. I'll bet you've been fucking that
guy you were dating before we... oh, wait."
GirlX: "Yeah."
That would be an uncomfortable situation that may cause you to
temporarily pass out. Instead of letting that happen, take control of the
situation.
You: "Hey, guess what?"
GirlX: "What?"
You: "I've got AIDS!"
Ooh, the beginning of a truly lively conversation! Let's get back
into the action:
GirlX: "WHAT? YOU'VE GOT AIDS? SINCE WHEN?"
You: "Remember I told you I had a gay uncle?"
GirlX: "I don't know, I guess.."
You: "Well, one time when I was eight, I went over to visit him, and
Freddie Mercury was there and he and I had anal sex!"
GirlX: "Uhmm."
You: "And.. yeah! and. umm. yeah, and I got tested, and I had AIDS!"
GirlX: <gets up and walks away, never to be seen again>
OK, well maybe the story wasn't very believable. Maybe you should
look back on the past times you have had together, and think of a funny
anecdote:
You: "Remember how you always wondered how I could eat so much and stay so
thin?"
GirlX: "Yeah."
You: "It's because I have Hepatitis!"
GirlX: "You're shittin' me."
You: "No! And you've got it too now!"
GirlX: <breaks down in tears>
You: <reach around, give her a big hug, get married, die>
Wasn't that great? Now those were surprise tactics, but what
happens when we play on the element of fear? All sensitive guys must
protect a girl from her fears and convince her that everything will be OK.
Here, you are talking to her from a distance as she is getting in her car
to go to work. Convince her that she has nothing to worry about, and that
everything will be fine:
You: "I didn't just put a bomb in your car."
GirlX: <boom>
Oops, looks like she's not going to be able to return the battered
and bruised life she stole from you, but at least she can't fuck with it
anymore! Here's another great way you can calm her down, Mr. Sensitive!:
You: "You know, you've got a lot of time ahead of you. You'll have a lot
of choices to make and a lot of time to make them in. Someday, you'll
have steady employment, a nice home, and a great husband to take care
of you and your kids."
GirlX: <smiles> "Yeah, I hope so."
You: "But you have none of that right now, and I thought you should know
that the last time we had unprotected sex I came 27 times."
GirlX: <boom>
Well, she certainly seems to be exploding lots! That doesn't help
your situation much! What could a sensitive guy do for a demon-spawn girl
that wouldn't make her explode? I know! Buy her a drink!
You: "Can I buy you a drink?"
GirlX: "Sure! How 'bout a large mint mocha?"
You: <giggle> "I remember you used to like mint mochas a lot."
GirlX: <smile>
You: "I'll go get it for you."
GirlX: <sitting, waiting>
You: <returning> Here you go, One Mint Mocha.
GirlX: "Thanks!" <drinks> <chokes> <punches you> "What the hell is this,
you fucking bastard?"
You: "That's all the bile that has been piling up in my intestines since
we broke up! I haven't been able to shit for weeks! You don't know
how good that felt."
GirlX: <puffs of smoke coming out of ears> "GrRRrrRRRRrRRrrrrrrrRrRR.
I JUST DRANK BILE."
Oh no! Now she's got a problem! C'mon, "Sensitive Guy!' Be
caring and understanding!
You: "What's wrong? Don't you like bile?"
GirlX: "OF FUCKING COURSE NOT I DON'T LIKE BILE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE JESUS
CHRIST HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE"
You: "Are you hurt? How do you feel?"
GirlX: "I FEEL LIKE I'M FUCKING GOING TO VOMIT AND OH MY GOD THAT IS THE
MOST DISGUSTING GET THAT SHIT OUT OF MY FACE GET IT AWAY FROM ME I
FUCKING JESUS"
You: "I know how you feel. Something like that happened to me one time.
I stopped eating, and I died a few times! Maybe that'll happen to
you, too! You think? I heard that happened to somebody one time.
Death." <grabs glass full of bile, with a quick, jerking motion,
launches it at GirlX>
GirlX: "AAAAAAAAAHWWWWWWWAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAH"
You: "Hahahahhahahahahahahhahaha that's the fucking best thing in the
whole fucking world." <stands up> "Hey everybody, the fucking bitch
has shit all over her! And she drank it, too! AHAhahHAahaHA"
GirlX: "AHHAWHWHAHHAHAHWHAHWHAHWHAHAH WHERE'S BASTARDX??!"
Oh, the missing maniac! BastardX. The boy who made GirlX destroy
you! You need to be sensitive to GirlX, but you don't have to be
sensitive to BastardX, unless he's wearing glasses. Be a man! Stand up
for what you believe in! This is America, land of the freedom to destroy
all that gets in the way of peace, happiness, and your quest -- the quest
to recover your untidy soul from the bottomless gulf of human excrement,
where it was placed by a very sweet girl who turned into a Satanic minion!
Away! Take care of your problem, young soldier! Kill or be... well,
you're already dead! Just fucking KILL!
You: "Grrr. BastardX. No be sensitive BastardX."
GirlX: <eyes GLARING RED at you> <teeth coming out of her cheeks>
<looking over at BastardX, who has appeared in the door of the cafe>
You: "Grrrr. BastardX." <quick and dramatic spin towards BastardX> "You
die. grrr. Baaaah."
Oh wait! You forgot! God doesn't like his lambs to be lost. God
will help you recover your lost soul! God will fight on the side of the
right! Prepare to be assimilated, BastardX!
You: "God, go stand over there. Start up a mini-tornado or something."
God: "Hell jyeah"
BastardX: "I am BastardX. No God can take down the power of my
life-destroying capability. The power of Satan is directly
channeled through my long black pony-tail! With it, I can
control anyone! Bah hahaha! Bahahaha!"
God: <spinning up a few mini-tornadoes inside the cafe> "Go for it, You!
Before his hair gets to me!"
BastardX: "Don't you know, You? I hate everyone! I wear all black! I
don't care about you, You! I hate all people! Well, except for
GirlX, I hate all people! But I don't hate my mom, or my dad!
Or my grandma, or that old lady at church, but I hate everybody
else! And my 3rd grade teacher was pretty cool. And I was in
that band with that one guy and he was alright, too."
You: <toss group of frogs into tornadoes>
Frogs: ribbitt <propelled by force of tornadoes' revolution, the frogs
enter the spin-cycle and then shoot outwards, pelting BastardX with
Frog-Force.>
BastardX: "Shit! Frogs! Fuck!"
You: "Ba hah ahahahah. You cannot defeat me and God. Love is on my side.
Hating people will get you nowhere, BastardX. Die slowly and
painfully."
Sure, that's all fine and dandy, and at least you have shown that
you are a man. But would you get GirlX back after killing BastardX? I
don't think so! Ha ha! Maybe this would be a better tactic:
You: "I was talking to this really great guy the other day. He's just
like you, and he's really hot, and you should go have sex with him."
Your mom: "Oh, really? Wow, I've been looking to have an extra-marital
affair for weeks! What is this guy's name?"
You: "BastardX."
Your mom: "Introduce me to him."
You: <open closet> <untie and unwrap body you stored in there 3 days ago>
"BastardX, meet my mom. She's going to love you."
BastardX: "Mmm, hot mama."
Your mom: <picks up BastardX, takes him to bedroom, seduces him>
You: <call GirlX on phone> "I have some bad news for you. I'm so sorry,
my god, I can't believe this happened. I don't know how to tell you."
GirlX: "What?! What happened?"
You: "I was out walking around today, and I caught BastardX with another
woman. God, that hurt so much. But I got it out. That's all that
matters."
GirlX: "Oh no! The man I love is seeing another woman! What shall I do?"
You: "Being a kind and sensitive friend, I believe that you should turn to
a kind and sensitive friend for guidance and a close, physical
relationship that could likely lead to marriage."
GirlX: "I trust you so much, Mr. Sensitive! Who is my most closest
friend? Why, it's you! Ever since we broke up, I've had no friend
more sensitive and kind! Would you... like to have a close,
physical relationship with me that could likely lead to marriage?"
You: "Yes!"
GirlX: <drives over, picks you up, takes you to bedroom, seduces you>
There, that worked out beautifully. After that is all done, make
sure you get married, and that BastardX is out of the way. Build a shack
for him out in the woods and hit his head really hard with a big rock a
few times. Beat that bastard into submission. If all goes well, his
brain will be mush, and he will opt to live off of fruit and stones for
the remainder of his pitiful existence.
Happy ending!
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #265 -- WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE -- 11/3/98 !!