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>> "The Last Man On Earth" <<
by -> Puck
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Once upon a time there was the last man on earth. He had hidden
under a rock while armageddon happened and god didn't see him so he was the
last man on earth. "Woah," he said when he realized this. "This is very
crazy." Next he began thinking of ways to cope. At first, he just broke
into everybody's houses to see who had left some porn behind on earth.
After a while this got pretty boring, but not for a long while, about twenty
years, because it was mostly pretty cool.
Then he started going crazy and made a friend out of sticks and
rubber bands. He named his friend "Lemont" after a character from Sanford
and Son, but Lemont broke after a few minutes and once again our hero was
friendless.
"What am I going to do?" he asked. "I am so fucking bored! I'm
going craaaaazy!" But nobody heard him, because they were either up in
heaven playing harps and being all happy, or down in hell being burnt by
fiery things. He decided to wander East for a while, (he still had his
compass), and after a few more years he hit the ocean. "Damn. Ocean. And
all the boats were destroyed during Armageddon. Agh." He decided to swim
for Europe. "I've never seen Europe," he said to nobody in particular.
He swam for a few hours, but he got very tired. He started sinking,
and after a while he drowned.
When his eyes opened again, he found himself standing in front of
some rusty gates. There was an unmanned sentry station at the gates with a
dusty book sitting on the table. He thumbed through the pages, and saw
the title on the binder said "The Book of Life". "Ah," he exclaimed, "I'm
in heaven! St. Peter must have left his post when Armageddon happened,
since there would be no more people dying." He tried to open the rusty
gates, but they were stuck shut. He tried and tried and tried, but he could
not get them to budge one inch. "HEY!" he yelled. "Let me in, please!!"
but nobody answered. He sat down and leaned against the gates, and fell
asleep for a few years.
He awoke to a strange sound. When he opened his eyes, an arab was
standing over him saying "mala kaleeky looky bikka bizkalachtad
mchhhchhchchchchc blisdgalan!"
"Ah! Armageddon must have missed you too, eh? We can't get in
Heaven, the doors are stuck." But the Arab didn't understand a word our
hero said. He just poked at him with his finger and said "mala kaleeky
looky bikka bizkalachtad mchhhchhchchchchc blisdgalan!"
"Welp, looks like we're stuck here together for eternity," our hero
lamented.
And they were. But you better believe that the crazy Arab and our
silly hero became fast friends after a few months, and even developed a new
language that both of them could understand! While everyone else was having
lots of fun eating and playing in Heaven, our hero and his Arab friend were
getting into all kinds of silly antics just outside the gate.
THE END.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #235 -- written by Puck -- 4/18/98 *