💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0199.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:22:19.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
$$$$$$
$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #199
$$$P $$ $$ moo, oink, up your butt.
$$P $$ x$$
$$P $$ xP$$ d$$$$$$.
$$. $$xP $$ $$$' >$$
$$$$$. $$P $$ 4$$$. .$$'
$$'`4$$b. $$ $$ 4$$$$$P'
$$b 4$$b. $$$$$$ 4${body}lt; %%
$$$b 4$$$x $$$$$$ 4$$$$$ %%
>> "POETRY EXPLOSION!" <<
by -> Various Artists
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This issue is jam-packed full of good, bad, funny, pointless,
strange, and absolutely horrible verse... all for your reading pleasure!
Can *you* tell which is brilliant and which is completely stupid?
We DARE you.
This issue features h0etry from the following authors:
abc, aster, captain bovine, girlie18, hrothgar, jane, jook,
jubjub, kaia, kraftwerk, kurdt, lumpy, melvin kumar, mogel,
mooer, moonbagel, murmur, muze, neko, nevin, ogre de latoya,
pezmonkey, quarex, sighrik, styx, swisspope, and trilobyte.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "The Evil Comes"
- by abc (aster's brother!)
When the evil comes,
The good will run.
Far from home,
They are alone.
They cross the great ocean far,
To find a route towards a small star.
A shark lays down its good life,
To take out the King of Good's wife.
They land at the northern shore,
To find many tales of lore.
The first is of a great king,
The second telling of many things.
The Wind, The Water, The Fire, The earth,
And finally, above all, the tale of great birth.
When the Evil first came,
The Good fled to a new claim.
They went west, then north,
Then landed till Evil came forth.
They waited one generation,
Then the Evil started a new station.
There soldiers filled the distant land,
And the Good's journey began again.
The Good will travel for many days,
Never stopping till the air grays.
When the reach that stingy place,
The Evil will kill them, leaving no trace.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "joe"
- by aster
Hi my name is joe
I have no foe
so call me moe
I think I might
have an infected toe
and when they complain
about the rain
I just say so?
and yet they're
still insane
or is it I
that needs a cane
to hold me up
from the pain
of that toe
or is it moe?
that drives me
mentally insane
My head is big
(so's my toe)
I wish it would not grow
tied it with a big red bow
and wore some sandles
to let it show
and I decided to walk
down the lane
in the rain
and drives me
mentally insane
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "4 those who'll never know"
- by girlie18
WHO CAN TELL ME HOW TO FEEL
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT TO SEE
THOSE WHO TRY
TRY IN VAIN
FOR THE ONLY EYES THAT
TOUCH MY SOUL
ARE CLOSED TO HIDE THE PAIN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "some things i'll never understand"
- by girlie18
i'm easily confused
by human emotion
its complex thoughts
so much commotion
just for once
i'd want to know
why i feel
so damn low
so someone teach me
to get away
have some fun
seize the day
lose my thoughts
find myself
exit from
this private hell
forget about the days gone by
only know...
don't ask why
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Save Me"
- by Hrothgar
Save me
From myself
Take the knife
And take the gun
Turn around, and run
Because if you come back.
Who knows I might yack
If you don't take the knife and run.
There, I just wrote a poem for you, Mogel.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A Poem"
- by Jane (head editor of the e'zine "Seductive Monkey Poses" [SMP])
when we live in a world
where suicide is handed to us
and love is so imposible to many
death is also welcomed
when power is craved
because we think it will take us
places the man standing behing you
has never gone.
no one cares if they love
before they die.
death is also welcomed in a world
like this.
when technology is the key
to the future
that is so much worse than the past
in a world like this,
living is considered dying.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "grrl = green pees"
- by jook
i werk all day on eyearecee
to get de best warez
so i can get my girl real nice green pees
green pees, green pees
i hear the horns
i must be in vegas
counting cards
is it legal?
just as long as i can get my girl real nice green pees
i hear the rattle
i must be back in 'nam
they didn't give us pees in nam, not green or even blue
but once i got back from 'nam
i ate pees
so did my girl, she ate real nice green pees
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "i gotta go"
- by jubjub
fish like to say glubglub
fish are squishy in my pants
they make me want to dance
my schoolmate patrick has a big butt
when i play miniature golf i like to putt
time for a liverwurst sandwich
hillary clinton sure is a bitch (not really)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Varmints"
- by Kaia
Nuggy's daily life revolves round sippin' fruit tea
and weasel huntin', two pastimes common to the hooligans in town.
Cause down by the Heaven candy factory on Main,
the brewin' comp'ny offers eighty-three cent per weasel head
All in (secret)
One rumor is that the beer company uses weasel in its special brew.
I also heard the gestapo might be payin' off the beer factory to
help cut down on, you know, the town's bad rap for Dugster and
his geetars that use weasel guts for strings. But it's like,
What come first, the geetar or the egg?
And so on Mondays we take our sacks of varmints and
gather round the big door and pass 'em
one-by-one through the letter-slot,
and they send back the dough through the same hole,
no questions ask.
Then we hop over to Mungo's to pick up his candy, so
by the time we hit Heaven, man, it's like,
we livin' in Wonka-land, close your eyes and all
the girls and the Ooompaloompas be dancin'!
One day we decide to play a little joke and
after passin' all the weasel through the hole we
stick a fucking neon light-stick through and
follow it wit' some Cheese Whiz and there's no reaction.
So we take turns takin' a piss through the door and
Harvey can force himself to puke so he did that
and the smell was so bad that
three more of us puked through the door
and then Crisco stuffed in pictures of
his ex-girlfriend who broke all ten commandments at once
and then
we
stopped
and ran for dear life.
We ran to Mungo's and
he gave us the candy and
we continued running and
we were running into lightpoles and
running on top of each others' tails and
the weasels were on our tails and
we became weasels and
it began raining raisins and
books became crooks and the suns became guns and i felt myself being shot
and scooped up and dead and shoved through a hole crusted with fur and
piss and vomit and ex-girlfriends' snatches and then i felt my head being
liquefied and my brains were poured into a brown glass bottle and shipped
to New Jersey, where all the wild zings are.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Ode to Hooker"
- by Kraftwerk
Oh hooker, H is for the happiness you bring us.
Oh hooker, O is for the obfuscation that you cause us.
Oh hooker, O is for the op's that you give us.
Oh hooker, K is for the k-rad way in which you give us your love.
Oh hooker, E is for the endearment that you have in our hearts.
Oh hooker, R is for the rainy days that you make brighter.
Oh hooker, you have a special place in our hearts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "an aardvark meets the pope"
- by kraftwerk
the aardvark crawled slowly through the night
and the people, they were absorbed with fright
it waddled over to the giraffe
and it asked "can I stick this in your ass"
not waiting for an answer
the aardvark started to prancer
it shoved a stick up it's butt
and calmly said, "now I go to put"
so the aardvark went to the green
where it was waiting to be seen
it took up a putter
and put on a crupper
being so lazy, it sat on the grass
he heard the bell toll "it was time for mass"
he sat on the pew
drinking his Dew
along came the pope,
with some soap on a rope
he went up to the cross
and bellowed that god was 'boss'
the service was done
and the aardvark was dumb
for the giraffe came and found him
and pulled the stick out of his ass
he danced a quick jig
and ate a big fig
it stepped on the aardvark
said something like "fart fart"
and sat down for a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "mockery"
- by kurdt
i don't wonder why anyone makes fun of what goes on here,
but i've got the common sense to not even waste my time,
making fun of what goes on here
*in fact*
i wouldn't waste my time making fun of you,
for making fun of what goes on here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Ode to Shadow Tao"
- by lumpy
When you kick me out of your internet relay chat channel,
And im forced to come back from a different hostname,
and ask you why youre such an angry little man,
you always get fed up and start cursing...
and it makes me wonder if when you were a little boy,
kids would poke fun at you and make you cry,
because mister tao, when you kick me off of irc,
i no longer feel like the irc warrior ive always
aspired to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Very Painful"
- by Melvin Kumar (this little gem was discovered by mooer!)
Acting strange,
thats what i am,
when i am with you,
I want you,
I need you,
I can't show it to you,
I yearn for you,
I say i want to kiss you
we both laugh and tease
but my heart yearns for that kiss...
those sweet lips...
I feel so happy when you're near me....
I act so diffrent..I feel so differnt...
I need you but I can't have you...
If i had a last dance with you....
I won't....I won't.....
It hurts....
ti kills....
to remember the last moments...
I know...
I've being there...
Do you know....
I'm dying for you....
If only you know...
Actor as I am...
Nights pass by...
but never a day..
without me thinking of you..
Why?
You're unreachable...
I know then...
I know now...
I love You.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "my baby's got sauce"
- by mooer (dedicated to eerie!)
when you put your feet in my mouth up on the desk
the urgency of cezanne's angst eats fibers out of the air
what, pray tell has bulbous tumors of rot have
in store for me to buy like a gunshot to the head with a baby flashlight
and so, you say that you have millions of years to hear my story
well, babydoll, you ain't got that funk up your arm
chills, short sleeves can't hide shit
the papal turbine of hate churns out smooth butter
to grease you up and slide you out like
sugar on the cupcake
and that is why the dryer is a wetter.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "i think i lost steam on the second one"
- by mooer (dedicated to two stuffed bunnies!)
tears of anger hunger like the desert cactus on a camel
your kantian disinterest makes my smile melt
falling into the robust yogurt culture of the tribe
trivialize my hurt, laugh at my pain, you asshole
you might as well rip my right tentacle into two parts
of the play i call the act of my life
bite the fuzzy wavelength that makes the bored spin around in
a violent circle the blood swirls. shallow
pirates make way in the deep waters of my caribbean soul.
nevertheless, your birthday does not excuse the rubber
on your head. quit bouncing.
fornicate in the crib, it's the
shit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "My Third Grade Genius"
- by MoonBagel
There once was a bird named Fred
He fell out of his nest on his head
He was severely brain damaged
He had to be bandaged
That stupid old bird named Fred
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Don't Eat The Paste"
- The Original
- by Captain Bovine
i changed me web page
but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA
i think my sister did it
silly girls
I can rhyme
even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things
'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey'
Kierkegaard was Danish
naughty
i'm the only one who finds me funny
they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore
sex does that to people
it's hard to do
we should talk about cute things and monkeys
we'll start when I think of something good to say
it's hard to do
I can speak crap better than I can type crap
you are so silly. mean and silly.
ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash
reboot!!
you're good for other things
pOOp
and cookies
and a keyboard condom
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Don't Eat The Paste"
- The "Don't Cut with Scissors, Mooniegirlwhoiscool?" Remix
- by MoonBagel
we'll start when I think of something good to say
no.. i'd use protection
silly girls
I can rhyme
i don't know who to put that I love, katie.
i changed me web page
i think my sister did it
i'm the only one who finds me funny
I can speak crap better than I can type crap
'mono' in Spanish means 'cute' and 'monkey'
and a keyboard condom
because I really shouldn't attempt to draw a monkey
we should talk about cute things and monkeys
ooh, maybe I get to watch you crash
Kierkegaard was Danish
sex does that to people
and cookies
even though it's kinda wacked because I forgot to change some small things
it's hard to do
naughty
it's a funny word
but then I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA
Drew's not on?
they used to make me feel stupid, but they don't anymore
you're good for other things
you are so silly. mean and silly.
reboot!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Don't Eat The Paste"
- The "Samsara Maybe Never" Remix
- by Mogel
naughty naughty naughty
they used to make me feel
because i really shouldn't
when i think of something good.
ooh, maybe i get to watch you
watch you
it's hard to do
i forgot to change.
sex does that to people. silly girls.
i can rhyme,
it's kinda wacked.
I was awoken by VERY LOUD METALICA and cookies,
it's a funny word...
you are so _silly_. mean and silly.
the only one who finds me funny.
ooh, maybe I get to watch you
I get to watch you
I get to watch
maybe I get to watch you
maybe I get to watch
get to watch you
maybe I get to watch you
...crash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Don't Eat The Paste"
- The "Wanna Go Home Bad" Remix
- by Nevin, a 8-year-old boy that Mogel's parents are babysitting right now.
Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard
when I think of Kierkegaard pOOp sex Kierkegaard maybe I can rhyme
but it's hard to do
anyway you're good for other things anyway
Kierkegaard
we'll start when I think silly girls shouldn't attempt to draw silly girls
I love Spanish sisters who finds me funny and 'cute'
because I can speak crap better,
even though it's kinda wacked
no.. i'd use me web page when I think of something good to say.
I can type crap.
katie and Drew: make naughty cookies and reboot!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "may ye all be leahy"
- by murmur (a villanelle, even)
i do not have to heed the words you preach
but i will not deny your right to say
you best not try to regulate my speech
you try to educate; you try to teach
but exon, d - nebraska, joined the fray
we do not have to heed the words they preach
to jail me for the files that i leech
is just your quest; my rights to rest you lay
you should not try to regulate my speech
we can not see the wit of chong and cheech?
we can not hear the streat-smart speak of dre?
why should we aim to heed the words you preach?
i can not send the lyrics file for _bleach_
the sys admin will not allow today
why do they try to regulate our speech?
our rights as citizens you choose to breach
closed-mindedness is forcing us to pay
but i won't heed the words the law does preach
oh no, you will not regulate my speech.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "buenos sartenes"
- by murmur
!cuando te veo ( when i see you
no puedo hablar, pero i can not speak, but
deseo que poder! i wish that i could! )
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "I Confess"
- by Muze
I confess to being a girl
for being so stupid
for not doing as I should
I confess to not thinking of you
for changing my mind
for saying I'm sorry
I confess to falling in love
for needing you here
for not letting you go
I confess to struggling for my best effort
for it not being enough for you
for giving up on myself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "God's Pee"
- by Neko
Kickin' it old school
In a swimming pool
Bust a fucking jam
Make all the punk ass suckers drool
Like back in the day
When Naughty by Nature sang
Hip hop hurray
Looking for porn
at 3 in the morn
Tugging and jerking
Eating some gherkins
that I bought at the store
from my bitch, she's a whore
Surfing on the net
My pants is all wet
And this rap is boring
And the rain is pouring
Down on me
Yo, is rain really God's pee?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Ogre's Brain"
- by Ogre De Latoya
#include <ogresbrain.h>
void main (void)
{
int food;
int sleep;
int fun;
long sight;
long sound;
long touch;
long taste;
while (!dead) {
if (food < HUNGRY)
getfood(&food);
if (sleep < SLEEPY)
getsleep(&sleep);
if (fun < BOREDOM)
getfun(&fun);
sight = checkvision();
if (sight == SUCKS)
printf("That sucks.\n");
else
printf("That rocks.\n");
sound = checkhearing();
if (sound == SUCKS)
printf("This sucks, change it.\n");
else
printf("This rocks.\n");
taste = checktongue();
if (taste == SUCKS) {
spitout(food);
printf("Eeew\n");
} else {
swallow(food);
printf("Werd\n");
}
}
}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "my uncle"
- by pezmonkey
it's all about sex
says my uncle
because he likes sheep
a lot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "HAIKUS THAT QUAREX WROTE IN 3RD GRADE"
- by Quarex
The Fluffy Puppy
Smashes Hard into a Tree
Hee Hee Hee, it's Dead
The Big Snowball Fight
The Weak Guys are Getting Slammed
People are Dying
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Accidental Merge"
by Quarex
Eggrolls and Broomsticks and Forebones on Narwhals
Reload that shotgun and pick up those snowballs
This is the future of combat
This is the third bloated wombat
Drop a lemur
Break your femur
Shattering bones is my cup of tea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "a light in the darkness"
- by sighrik
waves of electrons, waves of emotion
irc is an island and i am a boat--
sinking
water flooding in flooding flooding
sinking flooding flooding sinking
dying
and then there's a beacon like another
boat--not sinking--floating--coming
saving
a voice in the waste coming clearly
"hi i'm a bot. god invited me here."
salvation
like jesus christ out of the ocean
the bot that likes you was there
noppa
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "open wide"
- by styx
you little shit
your words are like precum
slow and incomplete
and ineffective
i look forward to you
bleeding on my dick when i
introduce it to your
colon
it will be fast and complete
and effective
and will make you walk like a
retarded little duckling
and all the boys in school will
ask you why you are
walking like that
and you will have to say
that you fell off your bike
or something
funny like that you
little shit
you can never own up
to anything not even
justice
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "My First Sexual Encounter"
- by Swiss Pope
The study session for math was coming to a close,
I packed up my books and from my chair I rose.
Pushing back my glasses, I spot something from the corner of my eye,
What's this?!, me thinks, it's a bonnie lass that I spy!
Mustering up my courage, I approach the desk where she sits,
"Would you like a ride home?" I stutter in my nervousness.
She looks up at me with her big brown eyes,
"Hmm.. Allright" she says with a sigh.
Leading her through the door, we trudge to my car.
With a wink, I assure her that my Camaro is not far.
Her eyes light up and she pulls to me closer.
"I really admire a man whose car is something to show for."
She hops into the backseat and caresses the leather interior.
Shifting into first gear, I demonstrate that the acceleration's superior.
Faster! she squeals as I cruise down the street,
When the speedometer hit 70 I knew I was in for a treat.
I felt her hands as she ran them through my hair,
Then she unbuttoned her blouse and revealed her nice pair.
"Damn! This chick's titties are fine!" I think, keeping my cool.
The car sped up even faster as we listened to Tool.
This was a dream of a lifetime for me, the 300-lb fat guy loner,
There was a hot chick on my lap, stroking my boner!
She looked into my eyes; lustfully licked her lips
I smoothly slid my hands on her curveaceous hips.
She softly whispered something into my ear,
Unfortunately, the music was too loud for me to hear.
Nonetheless, I knew it was something good
So I slipped my hand down her pants and touched her clitoral hood.
She kept rubbing my dick-- my nut was gonna bust!
That would surely be the end of this evening of lust!
I took a quick right turn; pulled into a gas station nearby,
For I knew that the herb Ginseng would be found inside.
"Wait here!" I said as I zipped up my pants,
I ran into the store after giving her one last glance.
Through the aisles I frenzied, anxiously looking for the magical root
That would guarantee at least one more hour until my sperm would shoot.
When out in the parking lot I heard a deafening roar
That bitch peeled out in my red sports car!
I ran outside and chased her for a couple of yards,
But I knew that all was lost. I was such a tard.
A wino approached me and laughed. As if my ordeal was funny!
Like a philosopher he said, "Life ain't nuttin but bitchez 'n money."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "god's green platter"
- by trilobyte
eat your coffeecake, wafers and wine
as insects hide between the lines.
long since dead, but corpses remain --
reminders of ancient social strain.
take from the plate what is given to you
ignore what the world has been trying to prove
stray from the flock but in a minute or two
you'll promptly be shoved back into the groove.
so dish out shit for whom you serve.
drink your coffee and spread your word.
but be aware that some observe
your food still reeks of age-old turd.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "peace & happy"
- by trilobyte
another cuddly judge makes life miserable
for a scraggly, prickly individual
who was trying for peace & happy.
supreme powers metamorph to belittle
with the backing of the pope and the law.
it's the end of justice, end of happy for us all!
time to run from the mystic
for he's the one with the not-dead goo,
blasphemic divine intentions,
stinky foul breath from ages of spewing
poisonous elastic jargon.
walk in the park and
endlessly changing directions --
right, wrong, left, north --
with the compass of a corpse
-- and the morals of a convict
and friends follow closely behind!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "punishment to the wine drinkers"
- by trilobyte
still open to suggestions?
it's time to change your mind.
from one percent to two percent
you're lurking in the rain
with parachutes and combat boots
you microwave my shame.
for seven years i've left the corn
to rot out in the dew;
but still i don't kill chickens
when they doodoo in my shoe.
come in, the part that doesn't rhyme
to fill some empty space.
the reader of this horrid poem
should now prepare their mace!
iggly gobbly goo,
juniper grows with the yew.
trees have lots of leaves to keep
some shade for my old jew.
because
how once you ate my dignity
the gull will never know.
but he will get real fidgety
if frozen in the snow!
nonsense is but glue to me
(your shoe has come untied)
so i plead for my lobotomy
to end this crazy ride.
hide!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "stove top"
- by trilobyte
this is entitled "stove top." minimalist version
put your chicken on the pan chicken on the pan
with some stove top stuffin'. stove top stuffing
runnin from the law with running from the law
your easy-bake oven. easy bake oven
i don't understand who who, what, where
could beat you like a muffin' beat up muffin
when all you're tryin' to do you do
is to spread a little lovin'. spread love.
my friends 'n me been tryin' we try hard
to get you out free to play
but our dice-throwin' skills monopoly
ain't what they used to be but we suck
so skedaddle over here so come here
and slop up some grease help us
cuz livin' ain't easy when we're dying
you're dealin' with POLICE. of death.
hey dj, cut the bass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* (c) HoE publications. HoE #199 -- written by Various Artists -- 1/26/98 *