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___ ___ ___
/\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy
\:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you
\:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #172
___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_
/\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "The Three Little Wolves
\:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / and the Big Bad Pig" <<
\::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n
\:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t by -> File13
\:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r
\/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y -- oink you, pal.
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<picture of a wolf in a bikini, "don't i look sexy?">
Do you remember the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf? What
the big bad wolf didn't know is that those pigs were babies. They have a
big, bad cousin. After the wolf incident (he actually ate two of the pigs),
the one pig left phoned his carnivorous cousin to back him up. They did all
of this in secret so as not to lead the wolves into suspicion. And this is
where the story starts.
The three little wolves lived in small houses on the other side of
the forest from the pigs. The one remaining pig, and the Big Bad Pig
(he likes to be called B. B. P.) monitored the wolves. They noticed that
the wolves weren't very bright.
<picture of one wolf on fire. "i'm on fire. help!", then one
approaches carrying gasoline. "i'm coming!" then the house catches on
fire, too.>
The wolves were born and raised stupid. They were always building
new houses, because every time they cooked they burned down their houses.
Their houses weren't exactly top-notch, either. The first wolf was the
stupidest. He built his house out of cards. His name was Sigmund.
<picture of Sigmund by his house of cards with his head on fire. "how
am i supposed to get in without a door!?">
The next wolf was a little (and when I say little, i mean *LITTLE*)
bit smarter than Sigmund. His name was Ralph. He was at the supermarket
and he saw that staples and paper were on sale, so he bought five dozen
packs of each. He made a house out of it.
<picture of "Ralph'z Hous: Cold Beir Inside" Ralph is outside,
"There's no paint. i guess i'll paint it with gasoline!">
The last wolf was the best with common sense, but if you met him, you
would think he's a little off his rocker. He had an imaginary friend named
Pepe, and he called everyone Steve. He seemed the smartest because he made
his house out of cardboard. His name was Calvin.
<picture of Calvin, "meet my friend Pepe, steve." <-- standing
outside his refrigerator box house>
From what I've told you, you can understand that the pig was pretty
confident about getting back at the wolves, so he went into it without a
plan, not thinking of his one weakness.
When BBP got there, their houses were on fire (from their cooking, as
usual). He knew that if he got even close to the fire, he would be bacon.
He had to make a plan now.
<picture of all the houses an fire and all the wolves' heads burning>
He watched the wolves everyday to monitor what they were doing.
Sigmund usually ate grass in the morning, picked his nose most of the
afternoon, and counted the cards on his house at night. The house always
had the same number of cards, but he counted them anyway.
<picture of Sigmund eating grass. "grass... yummy.">
Ralph mostly sold rootbeer all day (but he thought it was real beer).
He sold only to his brothers even though he was open to everyone. He
thought he didn't have enough advertising, so he put up more signs. The
only problem is that he put up all the signs in his house, so no one ever
knew he was selling anything.
<picture of Ralph's "Beir Stand">
Calvin had a little bit different day from the other wolves. First
thing in the morning he gave Pepe a pep talk for the day, because according
to Calvin, Pepe had emotional problems. He then headed to his winery to
make wine from celery.
<picture of Calvin talking to an empty stool: "let's make some wine
for the gipper, Pepe!">
He could never make any wine, but he tried every day. He mostly just
ate the celery and drank pure alcohol.
<picture of Calvin passed out on the floor>
BBP planned to go at night while Sigmund was counting the cards on
his house; Calvin was probably intoxicated, and Ralph was sitting at his
root "beir" bar. This way he could easily find all the wolves.
He couldn't figure out who to eat first. sigmund would probably be
the easiest since all he was doing was counting cards outside. BBP snuck up
behind him and yelled, "BOO!" Sigmund pissed in his pants. BBP didn't want
to eat something that tasted like urine, so he made Sigmund take a bath
while he went over to Calvin's.
<picture of Sigmund pissing on the ground>
When he got to Calvin's house, Calvin had a BAC of 0.2. BBP was
about the devour him when Calvin said, "why don't we go over to Ralph's and
drink some rootbeer?"
"Rootbeer," thought BBP. "My one weakness."
They headed over to Ralph's house, only to find Sigmund pacing in
front muttering someting about "Big Bad Pig, Big Bad Pig." Calvin convinced
Sigmund that BBP wasn't going to eat him, and they went inside.
Ralph was thrilled to have a new customer. The four of them talked
and soon became good friends. They decided to get together every afternoon
to drink rootbeer and watch TV.
The little remaining pig called BBP every day to see if he had
completed the task.
<picture of little pig: "killed them yet?">
BBP had to lied to him every day and say that he was still plotting
and making plans.
<picture of BBP: "I have them right where I want them!">
One day when BBP was with the wolves, they were eating something.
BBP asked, "What are you eating?"
Calvin replied, "Nothing, are we, Ralph?"
Ralph said, "No, nothing, are we, Sigmund?"
Sigmund just muttered, "Pork rinds, yeah, yeah, pork rinds, yummy."
BBP went crazy. He ate all three wolves and lived happily ever
after. The moral of the story is: Don't eat pork rinds in front of a
carnivorous pig.
<picture of BBP with his pointed teach showing...drooling at the
mouth>
The End.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #172 -- written by File13 -- 12/30/97 *