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>> "The Spirit of Giving" <<
*or*
>> Come Here, Motherfucker, and I'll Give You a Hole in the Head <<
by -> PezMonkey
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I've made some important discoveries over the course of my winter
break. Discoveries about the world, you might say. And while none are
particularly revolutionary, they were nothing less than brilliant when I
realized them. Some of my discoveries: professional wrestling is the best
thing on T.V., cheerleaders are stupid (not just in that "what's the point
in having them" sense, but literally stupid), and that there is nothing
worse than the feeling of getting up out of your nice warm bed to use the
bathroom, only to find that the seat is cold, and there is no toilet paper,
probably seem stupid and unimportant (though really they're quite
remarkable). However, I did make one discovery that should be pretty damn
important to everyone. I realized why there is so much holiday violence:
the spirit of giving and the popularity of driving.
It is my firm belief that the idea of giving presents at Christmas
time was first conceptualized by Satan, to reach its full effect in late
20th and early 21st centuries, just before the apocalypse. See, this is how
it works in our modern era: One day, usually about 3 days before Christmas,
we realize that other people are going to give us stuff, and therefore
expect stuff in return: the spirit of giving! So, we go rushing, madly, to
our vehicles to get them whatever shit stores can mark up to 560% over the
original cost. Therein begins the violence of the holiday season.
I consider myself to be a non-violent person, perhaps even to an
extreme absurd, but yesterday, had I an AK47, I would have taken out every
person driving in east Atlanta. I really believe that Satan magically
generates a few billion extra people to crowd up the roadways the week
before Christmas, in order to piss everyone off, and encourage drivers,
shoppers, and sales clerks to kick the shit out of each other. If one more
motherfucker cuts me off, takes my fucking parking space, or honks his
goddamn horn, I'll give a new meaning to the spirit of giving. Come here,
motherfucker, and I'll give you a hole in the head.
And then, thoroughly pissed off by dumbasses who can't drive (mostly
the stupid old blue-haired ladies who should have gotten their licenses
taken away 20 years ago), like the dumb bitch who came, perpendicular,
across 4 lanes of traffic and proceeded to try and squeeze in under the
light just in front of me. Uh..no, bitch... *Then* I have to go into the
mall! And everything costs a shitload, and it turns out I can either buy a
present for one person, or go back home and get out the Crayolas and
construction paper. But I've already driven all the way out here, there's
no way I'd go home. I've got a mission.
Some people are lucky. For example, some man at Wal-mart yesterday,
realizing he couldn't afford presents, noticed the Wells Fargo Truck parked
outside. How convenient! How lucky! So he just pulled a gun on the driver
and held up the money truck. Then shot the passengers in the cars all
around. Holiday violence, all in the name of giving.
It's brilliant, really, on Satan's part. I mean, come up with a
holiday that's supposed to be about God and Jesus, and instead turn it into
a bloodfest, filled with hate and anger. I'm leaving in a moment to finish
the last of my shopping, and if it's anything like yesterday, I'll shoot my
own mother if she cuts me off. Bitch.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #166 -- written by PezMonkey -- 12/26/97 *