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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Who the Hell Are ya'?" | |
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| | By: The Hoe Shmoes | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This particular Issue of HOE is disturbing. More than usual. You
see, I sent out (some more than others) nagging letters to all the HOE
writers asking them to produce an auto-biography of any size, shape, or
style. The following is what I got back... raw and unedited (cause I'm lazy,
not for any actual "mood of the writer effect"...just cause I'm lazy and can
use this excuse... Oops). Anyhow, this doesn't include every HOE writer and
this certainly isn't the solid 100% truth from any one of us. It's all Zany
Hi-Jinx. Watch out!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Mad Arab ]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ack, I'm finally writing this AutoBio for HoE, yeah I know,
I'm a damn lazy fuck 'eh? Lemme see, I was born and raised on a
farm, that's why I leave the door open all the time Mom! ;> I was
always interested in computers, even before I received my "speedy"
386sx/20 for X-MaS. Back then I was just happy to fuck around in
windows, just opening and closing them, moving things. Hell, I
didn't even have to run a prog to have fun. But time led me on a
path away from Mr. Gate$. I got the # for this small PD bbs from
a friend at school and I was on my way running at a whopping 2400
baud!
Slowly, but surely, I made my way up the BBS ladder, and I was
soon the /<-RaD WaReZ d0od3 wanna be. I remember how pissed I was
when a friend got chosen to be a courier over me, those were the
DaZ ;> Seeing as I only had an 84 meg HD, the WaReZ /<0oLN3ss
didn't last long and I was calling message boards where I found my
love. Messages and info, which is what I still look for from a
BBS. I'm a posting manic ;> Soon I found my way into the H/P
scene from the main stream "wannabe's" to the underground doers.
Which is where I still spend most of my online time, on the nice
homely H/P boards.
Well, one day, I met a friend with 3 fucking tapes full of
shit, and he had like 30 virii, which I thought was _alot_! I
grabbed them from him and started testing them on floppies after
disabling my HD in the BIOS. I soon got my grubby hands on a copy
of Immortal Riot #4 and called _every_ US BBS listed and got on the
2 that were still up, WCiVR and Illogikal Nonsense. This is where
I acquired my love for virii that I have today. I continued with
both Virii and Phreaking and became quite knowledgeable in both
areas and began being asked to join groups, which I accepted.
I never released a _lot_ of shit through of my past or current
groups, I believe in quality not quantity.
Back in my days of being a RaD PD dude, I was in love with the
idea of being on the other side of the keyboard so to speak on
BBS'es and run one of my own. As soon as I got my own fon line I
threw up my BBS, Symphony oF Sickness, which it's still called to
this day. The board has been through _many_ changes, I started out
as a Sound/Programming BBS and then slid into HPA, and then virii.
My mind doesn't like to stay in the same place for very long and my
board follows my wandering mind,
Welp, I know this A-Bio is rather dry, but alas, I was never
one to talk about myself, I'm a very modest person, so with that,
this is the short and quick compu-life of the Arab ;> January 30.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Logik ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Legend:
[Lance Boyl......LB]
[Mother Logik....ML]
[Jessica..........J]
[Devon............D]
"Today we have uncovered the answer to one of the most
sought after questions in the universe. Who is Logik?"
Doo doo doo doooo do,
doo doo doo doooo do,
doo doo doo doooo do do di do dop
JOIN US!!
LB: Welcome to National Geographic's "Who is Logik". I am your host Lance
Boyl. For years people have admired the work of the great writer and
philosopher Logik. All over the world professors and other theologians
have studied his work and have loved it. However, there has always been
a great mystery about him. That mystery is, who is he? Not once has he
ever given a television interview or even had his picture published. Is
Logik his real name? I feel that we all doubt that seriously. Well,
today I have come to ease the world's mind. I, yes I, have discovered
vital information about the hidden genius. With us today we have several
people who are close to him, and after some subtle persuasion, they have
agreed to tell us their story. First, we have his mother.
LB: Mother Logik, tell us about your son.
ML: Well, it all started one day. I had just gotten back from grocery
shopping and I walked into the house to find his father naked as the day
he was born. Obviously I was very pleased (we hadn't had sex in...)
LB: Please, spare us the details Mother Logik.
ML: Oh, I suppose you're right.
LB: Yes....
ML: Anyhow, after some of what I like to call "Stuffing the Chicken" we
realized that his father wasn't wearing a condom. So, nine months later
little Logik was born.
LB: So, Logik was a mistake?
ML: Well, I don't like to say that. Let's just say he was..... uhm....
unexpected.
LB: Okay, I guess we can say that. Anyhow, what did you think of your son?
ML: He was always a quiet boy. He kept to himself a lot. He never seemed to
want to talk to other people. I remember one time he walked around the
house for about three days chanting, "I am the cheese, I am the cheese",
like I said, he was a strange boy.
LB: Yeah, he sounds like it.
ML: Don't get me wrong, I loved him. Its just that every once in a while he'd
scare me.
LB: Why is that?
ML: Have you ever seen a picture of him?
LB: No, no one has.
ML: Well, then you can't understand.
LB: Why? What is so hideous about him that he scared you? Did he have a third
eye that he got from some nuclear accident? Was he missing part of his
face? Tell us, the world wants to know!!
ML: He, well, uhm, he...
LB: SAY IT DAMN IT!!
ML: He was a punk rocker!!
LB: Oh my god, I'm so sorry Mother.
ML: Yes I know, and he had this weird love for polyester and Cheese Whiz.
LB: So, did you try to whip him into shape?
ML: I tried for a while, but he was just too wild
LB: When did he leave home?
ML: Well, I'm not sure he did. See, one day he came home from school and told
me he was going to become a hermit. Then he went up to his room and that
was the last I saw of him.
LB: Is that when he began his adventures into Cyberspace?
ML: I supposed. I never really asked him. I saw on the news how you can get
those pornographic images over computers. I think that's why he was
always in his room. But, I never wanted to say anything. What he does
with his hands is his own business.
LB: I'm sure all men are willing to agree with that.
ML: In any case I never saw him after that. Though, every once in a while I
would get a Email message from him at work.
LB: Did they have any vital information?
ML: No, they just told me off how he was having an affair with Stuart.
LB: You mean he was gay?
ML: No, Stuart is our dog
LB: Oh...
ML: Is there anything else you would like to know?
LB: Do you know where he is now?
ML: Well, Like I said, I think he is in his room. But you never know.
LB: Okay, thank you.
ML: You're welcome.
LB: Now let's move on to his girlfriend, Jessica.
J: Hello Lance. How are you?
LB: I'm just fine <grin>. Now, how long have you been seeing Logik?
J: About three months.
LB: Really? So, what do you think about him.
J: I think he's strange.
LB: Anything else?
J: Not really.
LB: Okay, now lets' move on to a close friend of his Devon
LB: Hello Devon
D: Hello Lance.
LB: So, tell us about Logik.
D: Well, much like Jessica I think he is very strange.
LB: Hmm.... interesting. Why do you think that?
D: He just is. Anyone that thinks "Saturday Night Fever" is a movie classic
can't be normal.
LB: True.... so why do you think the world loves his work so much?
D: I guess because it is true to itself. At times it is totally wacky, and
at other times totally serious. Besides, if you ever see him in person
he has a really nice butt.
LB: Thank you for telling us that. I know we were all wondering.
D: No problem.
LB: Is there anything else?
D: Uhmm...... nope. Well, gotta go anyway. I'm going to help Jessica kill
her sister.
LB: Why is that?
D: If you ever meet Logik, ask him.
LB: Well, nice meeting you <g>.
LB: Where does this leave us? Better yet, where is the infamous Logik? The
world may never know. The only clues to his existence is in his writing
and the accounts of the people we have just talked to.
(Pause....)
LB: So, formulate your theories. Create your misconceptions, or truths. For
the world may never know who Logik really is. Then again, the world may
never know if I have a penis. Still, this is just one more of the great
mysteries of "Nation Geographic"
Doo doo doo dooooo doo, doo doo doo dooooo doo, do di dope.
JOIN US!!!
***************************************************************
Guess if you can, do you know who I am?? hehehehehehehehe...... -Logik
>>=- Quick shout-outs to the homie-Gz! -=<<
Mogel: Love your writing. No, I love you man!!!
Jessica: My one and only love (awwww... how sweet)
Devon: Stop reading this and go get Paul!!!
HOE: Never get normal.... go for the weird and the weirder.
Image: Uhm... nothing really. Just want the publicity
ReD: Love the work so far. I'm still working on my piece for ya.
For anyone that thinks I'm strange: uhm... yep yep... that's right George
****************************************************************
That's it..... live long in prosper. And remember, there are only two kinds
of men in this world. Men that jerk off, and men that lie about it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=[ The Chickenlord ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Chickenlord hails from NW Indiana, one of the biggest
marketing areas for fast food chains nationwide. He is
currently a junior in high school. Despite his high
intelligence (I'm bragging), Chickenlord has no intention
of using his brain for anything useful in the future.
He lives for the moment, however much them moments may suck.
The biggest of his future plans are attending Purdue Calumetn
University, then possibly on to the Air Force to get a free
pilot's licence.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Black Francis ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Francis is suffering from major writers bloc brought on by the ever-so-
high expectations of Mogel and his own k-rad writing group, ReD. So he
asked me to help him out. Being the nice guy I am, I couldn't resist.
To know this loveable little asshole is an honor, not to mention, he has
his own car so I get rides all over the place and everything. Anyway, he's
pretty much your average 17 year-old with cranberry hair, piercings, and
tattoos. But even though he looks like he's tough, he's not. When he was
a kid, he was scared by those things on Sesame Street that go "Yep yep yep"
over and over again and have those big huge bottom lips. His pride and joy
is a shirt that has a black dude with an afro on it that says "Soul Brother"
in funky 70's bubble letters. It looks really cool under a black light. He
is also the proud owner of many "disco inferno" t-shirts. While pounding away
on the keys, and trying to keep his sanity while running his BBS, Sub-Culture,
he listens to the likes of his favorite bands Pavement, Pixies, Frank Black,
Velocity Girl, Catherine, Jane's Addiction, Primus, Tilt, Ween, and They Might
Be Giants, which he saw in concert with the best looking girl in the school.
His proudest achievement was when he won the Asshole of the Year award on
some lame local board where the SysOp is a necrophiliac, but that's another
story. Black Francis currently resides in Horsham, Pennsylvania and owes me
twenty bucks.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ /<0rrUpT ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Well m0g3L told me to write this, so I suppose since I want
to stay affiliated with HOE I feel somewhat obligated. Shucks.
I am originally from the LA area in California, but am now
living in a shitty town called OakHurst. It snows here and
the fucking deer eat your marijuana plants.
I am 35 years old, a virgin, and still live at home with my
mommy. I go to church every other day, worship god-all-mighty,
and have a band-aid holding my real thick glasses together.
My height is 5'5, and I weigh around 530 lbs. I never take
a shower or wash my hair and I eat spam all day. My only
girlfriend I ever had died. I got kind of excited and while
using her blow-up tube I accidentally bit and popped her.
My average day consists of sitting in front of the computer
letting the color drain from my face. I enjoy sitting around
and watching the paint peel off the walls. I like fucking
small barnyard animals and kidnapping and molesting little
boys. My hobbies include going to the zoo, flashing my neihbors,
and praising Jesus.
Ok back to reality. . . Im 16 years old, dont molest little
boys and dont go to church everyday ( I do like to fuck barn-
animals tho ). Ive written about 200 PHiLeZ PHoR H03 BuT m0G3l
SaiD THeY WeRN'T ]<RaD ENouGH PHoR H03, aND aCkTuaLLy uSed aBouT
TW0. Im around 6'0....145 lbs...DONT wear glasses with tape,
and never , well, just once, used an inflatable girl.
Well, I dont want to talk about my computer because that is
all boring shit and im sure you all can live without the
knowlege of how much ram I have or how big my drives are. . .
Here is the part of get to know me and the personal shit I know
that you all are so eagerly anticipating with sweating, lusting
anxiety.
Turn Ons : Pamela Anderson
Turns Offs : Fat Chicks
The MuSiC : Revolting Cocks,Chemlab,KMFDM,Sex Pistols,Black FLAGG
TWo BaNDS THaT SuCK : Pearl Jam and aCe oF BaSe
Shit I cant Stand : Rap Music, Wiggers, Church-Nuts, WaReZ D00dz,
Ansi-Art Fags, Fat Chicks, Fags ( Lesbians are cool tho )
Hicks, Rush Limbaugh, and just about everything else
Interesting think you probably dont care : I have no appendix
Person I admire : Howard Stern
Person Id most like to meet : The Anti-Christ, or Satan
Sickest Thing ever done : Used a pen to perform anal sex on a girl
c00l D00dz : Neon Samurai, Sedative, Mogel, Jabberwocky, Trackistar,
Bleeding Cheese, David Letterman, Satan, Kelly ( The reason I live )
If you ever met me you would think that I am one of the most
normal people you have ever known.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Zorro ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My Life
-------
Hi. My name is zorro, and I used to have a life.
I was born overseas, so I dont think I can be
president. That sucks. I have been around the
world, but I was too young to remember more than
the cool food I had there. When I came here,
life went downhill. By last year I had no money.
I was madly in love with 10 girls in my school,
and on my last day, I asked them out. What
really sucks is that they all said no. I did
meet a cool girl, but she started putting me
down, and being mean to her friends, and I
hated that. I moved away to a place where there
were no cool computer people, and everyone
smokes pot. Even the teachers. I kinda
didnt like that at first, but after a while I
found that they dont know when homework is
due or anything. I like girls a lot. Next
week I am dropping out of high school to take
classes at the local college.
I think that Aggressive women are cool,
unless they used to be or are guys. That's
not my type. I like things that are strange.
A while back my best friends sister helped me
paint my nails black. I though that was cool.
I think that life is slightly over-rated, and
that people should let others do their own
thing. I wish the world was such that you
could be honest with everyone. Nine Inch Nails
hits the spot with me. If I listen to that
I am energized. Let me leave you with
a feeling of what last summer was like:
Your body lays limp against a hammock, every
movement of your arm is stressful. You dont
want to sleep, because the air tastes good in
your body, and you want to enjoy it. You
dont need to adjust your eyes... the sun isnt
too bright, and its not facing you. There is a
cold lemonade, just out of the way of the
swinging hammock, but close enough to be easily
lifted up. Nothing is digging into you, the
hammock is supportive, not restraining. The sky
is blue, and your brain is collecting as much
as it can. You are safe.
and... a phrase from the new song I am putting
out:
'Dont class me with those other freaks,
Dont try to get too close,
My body will surround you,
You'll get a fatal dose'
[The End]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Abigwar ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So, you want to know who i am do you? Ha, Thats what i thought. So why do
you want to know so bad?? Are you [GASP!] narc? No, You don't look like the
narc type. Maybe, Yes, Definitely, You positively do resemble a fed. Maybe
its those beady little pinpoint eyes of yours that make you look like your
on smack. Maybe its that hair, That, how to put it... Hair. Well, No, i
guess your right, we aren't here to talk about you, we are here about me.
Yes, that is why we are here alright. This is a Bio. Hmm, Yes, true.. So
true. I have to agree with you, I don't look like a narc or a fed. Maybe
its that hair. Or lack there of I should say.
Razors in the night you say? No. Not me. I am more of a Fosters (tm) man
my self. Austrailian? No, its not, thats just a stunt to sell more, its
really English. Prove it? I can't prove it.. It just is. Well, we are here
about me aren't we. Yes, We are. YES WE ARE DAMN IT! NO! Mogel told me it
was to be about me! And thats why i am writing it. NO I'M NOT A LIAR.
I'M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!! YOU DID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes you
did. YOU called ME a fed. No I didn't. Fuck you. Fine, Fine Be that way
see if i care. Hey! Come back here! Turn that monitor on! AHHH! Come back!
No I'm not a warez dude. No I'm not! Don't tell me you read my files. You
lie. If you read my files you would know i'm too /<-/~aD to be a warez
d00d. I AM ELITE DAMN IT! Stop arguing with me. Look... I am sick of you.
SICK OF YOU! You heard me. YES YOU DID! DON'T DENy IT!
Thats it, I'll just ignore your senseless blabber, and finish my mission.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alias: Abigwar
Alias Nicknames: A big wart, A bug war, A Big K-rad War, Shadow Plague
Real Name: Habeeb "Ronald" MacDonald
Real Name Nicknames: Habeer, Habeem, Hapy Habeeb, Ron, Hab, Mac,
Burger King (YOU IDIOT!)
Age: 15
Hair: Blue (Lacking & somewhat fuzzy)
Eyes: Blond (Red)
Height: 5'10" with out boots
Weight: 169 (69, hehehe)
School: Training to be a welder
GirlFriend: Moved far, far away. Anyone know where Lakeside Pa. is??
Pets: Newts, Fish, 2 Cats, 1,000,000,000 Wombats, 2,000,000,000,000 'shrooms
1 MIA eel (Loach)
Food: I'm a veterinarian. I only eat mongooses.
One-worded-coolest-insult: Wanker
Favorite Password: Yeah fucking right!
Voice Number: # Eleventeen
Modem Number: # Seventyteen
Favorite Color: Dripping Bloody red on black (no racism intended)
Best Boots: Steal Toed, Black, 10 hole, Getta-Grips!
2nd Best, yet disgustingly trendy boots: 8 hole, Black, Doc Martins!
Good Music: Ska, Punk, Oi!, *some* death metal, gothic.
Kewl Bands:
type band song
Ska: Judge Dread Bring back the skins!
Punk: Misfits Where eagles dare!
Oi!: The Blitz Razors in the night!
Death: Brutal Truth Lord of this world!
Gothic: LaiBach McBeth (album)!
Books: Spirit of '69, A Skinhead bible
Joe Hawkins, King of the Skins
Best thing to kill time doing: Plucking Nose Hairs with a pair of Forsipes
Best alternative to forsipes: Tweezers
Best alternative to tweezers: Pliers
Best alternative to pliers: Vice Clamp
Best alternative to a Vice Clamp: Trash Compactor
Best alternative to a Trash Compactor: Garbage Truck
Best alternative to a garbage truck: Plastique [C-4 you idiot]
Favorite place: London, England
Second Favorite place: An abandoned warehouse hidden in the middle of the
pathetic town i live in.
Third Favorite place: Valhalla, Asgard... where i shall play
Worst, shittiest pathetic place: Ellis Island, USA
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liar? Your calling me a liar? Name one thing I lied about! My real name?
Well you don't think i would tell a fed like you my real name, DO YOU???
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Chal e. Mac ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The First and Only Bio of Chal e. Mac
Of course I'm writing my own bio, what'd ya think, Bruce Sterling was gonna
get around to it some day?
Anyway, Mogel ordered all us Hoe guys to do it. Which brings up an
interesting point, namely, how come there aren't any Hoe girls? This is the
'90s and all, seems like we should have a girl on staff. Anyway, if that
seems important to you, drop Mogel a line and ask for an explanation. As for
me I'm going to write my bio in the form of that bastion of American culture,
the Playboy centerfold, as a protest :) Too bad it's not a Mosaic page or
I'd include some lovely little .gifs of myself. Hey, that's not a bad idea! If
we ever hit the big-o-la-time we'll have to get ourselves a home page and
include little pics of all the Hoe guys, or at least the better looking
ones :) Anyway, on with the bio:
Name: Chal e. Mac (You didn't think I'd give you my REAL name did you?)
Birthplace: Phila., Pa.
Age: in my 20s
Physical description: 5'10", 190 lbs. Brown hair, brown eyes, goatee, gold
hoop in left earlobe
Usual outfit: Levi 501s, t-shirt, sneakers, baseball hat
Fav movies: Warriors, Heavy Metal, The Road Warrior, MP & The Holy Grail,
Animal House, Stripes
Fav music: Van Halen (before Sammy Hagar), Accept, Nirvana, Suicidal
Tendencies, Soundgarden, Ozzy (w/Randy Rhodes), Pearl Jam, Metallica,
George Thorogood, Zep
Drink of choice: cold domestic beer and kamikaze shooters made w/citron
Fav TV Shows (prime time): The X-Files, NYPD Blue, Encounters
Fav TV Shows (non prime time): Bugs Bunny cartons (especially the ones with
Marvin Martian), Wil E. Coyote cartoons (especially the ones were he talks),
Next Step
Drugs of choice: Good quality marijuana and alcohol
Fav foods: Hot chicken wings, tacos, nachos & salsa, pepperoni cheese steaks,
pizza, some spicy chinese and thai foods
Last 3 books read: Practical Unix Security by Simson Garfinkle & Gene
Spafford; Mirrorshades, The Cyberpunk Anthology edited by Bruce Sterling;
Information Warfare by Winn Schwartau
Magazines subscriptions: Wired, PC Magazine, Playboy
Turn ons: Smart women, red hair
Turn offs: bitches, lots of jewelry
Pet peeves: high ascii .sigs, people who collect three letter acronyms after
their names, bad hackers, and ego trips
Fav quotes: "Hacking a Freenet is like kicking a puppy" - Anonymous
"Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic" - Arthur C. Clarke
"Information should be free" - Anonymous (basic hacker tenet)
"Secrecy corrupts truth" - Robert Steele
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Corrosion ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Zipper Catches Skin:
The Life and Times of the Mighty Corrosion
written by the master scribe, cRAnK
Corrosion, has employed me, cRAnK to write his biography for Mogel's
lame group, HoE. He didn't feel it was becoming of him to waste his time
with such a frivolous act, so he bequeathed the aforementioned honor upon my
very being. I am duly enlightened.
As a youth, Corrosion would often get his "skin" caught in the
figurative zipper. This would cause many days of pain and uncomfortable
bruising, not to mention the unfortunate pissing of blood. Usually, however,
he would remember to unzip his pants before pissing. This is good.
In Corrosion's formative days, he was misguided and drawn towards
devil rock. Favorite bands are the obscure, those no one else had heard of,
let alone cared about. An early favorite was Twisted Sister. Oh yeah, baby.
Nowadays, Corrosion wallows in 80's thrash and still thinks it's cool. His
music collection consists of more than 400 tapes and CDs, most of which are
Englebert Humperdink's Polka Favorites. To this day, he assumes no one knows
about his secret obsession with clog dancing. Such the fool.
As for Corrosion's wardrobe, almost 100% of his upper-body adornment
consists of "cool" thrash t-shirts. His lower-body attire is made up
exclusively of 16 year old brunettes willing to jump at his every whim. The
girls, however, *MUST* be wearing short skirts and twenty-hole Docs.
Speaking of girls, Corrosion's sex life comes into play. Foreplay,
if you will (wouldja?). On the average, when it's not sex with cRAnK, his
preferred choice of partners are inflatable sheep dolls (model #16-341A...
check 'em out!) and posters of Cindy Crawford, his obsession. Reclining back
in his roomy double bed with things "well in hand" is one of his favorite
free-time activities. Of course, when there is a young lady present, it
makes the experience all the more invigorating.
A typical Corrosion day begins at daybreak. It's straight to the
showers for our sweaty hero. After the first cold splash destroys what's
left of his morning wood, he heads to the closet to pick clothes suitable
for work. It is particularly difficult to weed through the thrash shirts
when you're trying desperately just to stay on your feet. Quoth Corrosion,
"Ughhh....mornings suck." Once the proper attire has been recognized and
tossed over his head, and the slippery under-age Brunette has been
disentangled from his knees (she made it past the cold water blast in the
shower stage), our jerk, er, hero, is ready to continue.
Next, Corrosion moves back to his toiletries to continue scrubbing
up. The pearly white teeth are given their twice-daily brushing and biweekly
flossing, and are ready to join in and create Corrosion's winning smile.
After that comes the sacred brushing of the hair. His hair is long, reaches
down his back, it is a beautiful shade of hazelnut brown and as soft as
rabbit's fur. One hundred strokes, no less, and he departs the bathroom with
a flip of his hair away from his sacred face.
The last step in the ritual is breakfast. Only after a nourishing
meal can he even think to begin his day. This meal often consists of such
delicacies as Pepsi and tuna, or chocolate bars and steak. Always concerned
for his health, Corrosion is a model of good nutrition and a balance of
vitamins in his system at all times.
Finally, he is ready to leave for work. He grabs his keys and hops
into his *BLUE!!!* car. Driving to work doesn't take too long, and he sighs
happily when he arrives, because today will be a good day. Every day at this
office is a good day.
Plugging in his stereo and popping in one of his favorite tapes,
Corrosion is geared and ready for work. At 8:40, he receives his first call.
It is cRAnK. They chat for a minute or two but then Corrosion actually has
something to do. She resigns to calling his 800 number back a little while
later.
From 9:30 until 11:30 they talk about nothing in particular, and
then, with a sigh, cRAnK realizes she has been coerced into writing his
biography for HoE for him. Of course, as mentioned previously, I have been
"employed" to write it, and I will be paid later tonight. How I will be
paid, however, is between the two of us.
Zipper Catches Skin
The Life and Times of the Mighty Corrosion
written by cRAnK and only cRAnK
with love to her followers.
The author wishes to thank Corrosion,
"just for being there".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Mogel ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Well, now it's time for the Biography you were REALLY looking
forward to. Who really cares about those *OTHER* writers?? It's all m0g
that matter now, baby! Well, I guess I'll defy the obvious trend of these
biographies and ACTUALLY tell you about me for somewhat real. Wh0a!
Born as a goddam yuppie-spawned nitwit I had a hard, hard mentally
and emotionally disturbed life. You see, I had this weird quirk of mine in
school...it was called "doing what I wanted to do and ignoring teachers",
well, needless to say this got me into lots of trouble. oOOdles of scarring.
Anyway, to make a short story even shorter, I went to a small public
school and had a lot of fun. Oh, along the way up I ran into a guy named
Charlie that introduced me into BBSing.
At first I was only into the Door Games and the pirated files. It
was obsessively pathetic, but at the time it did make me happy. As much as
this past shames me, it do take pride in never using the word "warez" as
others used. There was also a pEEdEE board I was a permanent on that I also
called, which got me into liking the message bases and posting. The stuff
that SHOULD be crucial to a board. At any rate, I decided to put up a board.
The name thing bothered me a lot, as I really didn't want to grace the title
of the board with some dippy name...so I decided to do something safe and
name it after me. Why not? King Blotto did it!@!! Anyway, there was
eLyTeNeZZ on my board for a while, but fortuitously the light came upon me
and I made the board all text file. I picked up every good zine I found.
Then the day came where (after a LARGE and spicy beef burrito) I
realized my calling in life. "Mogel..." said the voices "...you can leave
the patheticness of your area code and travel into another level. Write
text files!!" and so HOE was born. I realized that the only way I could
make my voice heard was to control everyone completely. You see, if the
world is going to the shitters...then I want to HOG [see a key word or
phrase coming in here? Relavant? NAH!) up as much and take advantage of
as much as possible. And *STILL* be a nice guy. It can be done and I will
prove it. I got vision, I got soul.. I got style out of control! My most
recent joys are getting to write for Cult of the Dead Cow [The Zine
Grand Mastah'z] and bringing HOE recently back to a more definitive slant.
Oh, and just for the record: I'm not a Skinhead just because "I let two of
them in" (Abigwar and Defiant). guh.
Oh.. here's some data for the pHaN KLuB:
Real First Name: Mike
Handle Origin: Welp, actually, as much as it surprises some people my
handle means not very much. It's not for 'power moguls'
and I don't like to Ski. It's a name my sister called me
when she couldn't talk so well. Goofy and kept.
Age: I'm 18. My life is in chaos. Yippie!
Religion: A sort of mix between Buddhism and Atheism. My immediate
family is all Buddhist.
Nationality: I know this sort of stuff doesn't really matter, but this
is part of me so I'm tellin' ya anyhow. I'm a white guy.
Amazing, huh? I have heritage from many countries all over
Europe. I'm basically everything from the Continent.
Top Women I adore: Winona Ryder, Nykia, Tori Amos, Lisa
Aspirations: Planning to be a film director at some far future time.
I want to go to h0h0 Con '95 and talk to Swamp Rat, Drunkfux,
and Gibe. These guys are amazing.
Words to the Wise:
"Live Free. Live Fun. Run out right now and go do something COOL.
Don't sit around your modem forever. GET ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications. #50 --> 02/04/95
All rights aren't so important this issue.