💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › FONGU › fongu-oo4.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 11:39:19.
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10 PRINT "FONGU SUCKS!"
20 GOTO 10
30 END
RUN
(fongu can code too!)
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table of contents
4.01 "Table of contents" by That guy who makes the Table of Contents
4.02 "Hi & Bye" by ewheat
4.03 "Letters to the editor" by Stupid People
4.04 "Success in the office" by spo0k
4.05 "History of masturbation" by prodigy
4.06 "Fongu crack" by ewheat
4.07 "Diagnostic of the Anal Canal" by Dr. Clemtus Alfphasika
4.08 "Fuck women" by spo0k
4.08 "Unresolved Childhood Issues" by prodigy
4.09 "Stealing Nintendo 64" by ewheat
4.10 "Anatomy of Spastic Colon" by Dr. Clemtus Alfphasika
4.11 "Prodigy's Musical section" by prodigy
4.12 "oh no!@#" by Bloody Brits
,-( hi & bye )-----------------------------------------------------(ewheat)-,
Hey wee lads. It's your buddy ewheat again. It's been awhile since
the last fongu was created. We've had tragic events that caused the delay
of this issue of fongu. We will not discuss those, for fongu isn't written
by angst-driven-coffee-sipping-"I hate-everyone" misfits. We will focus on
the brighter side... fongu is back!!!!!
* one person cheering *
Thank you. There isn't much to say... except that most of the old
fongu staff have either grown up (cidica), been repressed by THE MAN (fah),
registered themselves with Chronic Masturbator Clinics (mrO), sold out to
Corporate America (me!@)
No, I'm not gone... and neither of them are. They will be back.
They have a mission. A mission that requires a lifetime commitment for the
betterment of life in these states of the United States of America.
Hah. Yeah right.
"... if you make it... they will come..."
Shut up, I'm writing my editorial here. On the postitive side,
fongu's old mate... spo0k decided to stay with us for this marvelous issue
and broke his own record (a total of 3 articles!!!!!) Thank you spo0k.
<spo0k> You're welcome, ewheat! Hey, anyone wanna play Diablo?
And we have a newcomer to fongu! He isn't new to writing though...
this person has published many issues of his own zany 'zine "Illbient" which
I loved and made it my mission to recruit him under the fongu label at no
costs. He has spurted many articles out of those rambling fingers of his...
fongu 4 wouldn't have been here for this person. I present you, a new friend
and a new slave.. erhm... writer. The Prodigy! Thank you Mr. Prodigy!
<proDJ> You're welcome, ewheat! My spider-sense is tingling, that
means I have to void my bowels!
And you've got me!! Mr. ewheat the head honcho! Uhm... thank you me
for ruining everyone's lives and the right to peace of mind. Thank you, me.
<ewheat> You're welcome, me! uhh... HI ME!
And also, we have a very intelligent character associating with
fongu!!! (now we're not a "dumb 'zine" anymore!!) We present you... Dr.
Clemtus Alfphasika, Professor of Proctology at Ohio State University Medical
Department.
,-------------------------------------------------------------------------,
| Colon is the greatest portion of Large Intestine extending from |
| Terminal Ileum (end of Small Intestine) to Proximal Rectum. It contains |
| the follow segments: the Cecum, the Ascending Colon, the Transverse |
| Colon, the Descending Colon and the Sigmoid Colon. Rectum is 12 cm |
| lengthy between Anal Canal and Sigmoid Colon. |
`-------------------------------------------------------------------------'
,---, /'
|/00| ,---------------,
( `| | | ,------------,
| o | | | ,--| Stupid tie |
|__,' `---------------|------, | `------------'
< > | | |
/ \ | | |
/ \ <-----------------------' | |
\ / `------------'
`v'
Thank you Professor, that was quite informative. We welcome you, sir
to the staff of fongu!
,-------------------------------,
| Thank you ewheat. Now I must | ,---,
| analyze the anal canal. | \ |00\|
`-------------------------------' |' )
| o |
`\__|
< >
/ \
/ \
\ /
`v'
" will you shut up by now, ewheat? "
Unf. (oooh, i said 'unf')
Betchoo cant find the hidden text in this issue.
I want my Dr. Pepper and Ding Dongs!@#
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( letters to the editor )---------------------------------(Stupid People)-,
Dear Mr. Wheat,
can i call you e? oh well.. i'd better stick to mr. wheat. anyways, i'm
writing this in response to an article in your last publication entitled
"mad cows disease" by spo0k. this article discussed the cow fucking
community and the risk against mad cows disease. i for one am glad this
article was published, it made me feel much better about coming out of the
closet. i too have fucked cows for close to three years now and never
really understood why. i began to think i was sick in some sort of way, and
i didn't think anyone else shared these lusts towards bovine as i do. well
this article reinforced my feelings that what i was doing was normal, and
helped to alleviate a lot of stress i was having as a result of masturbating
on bessie. i just didn't want my daughters to grow up thinking their daddy
was some kind of freak for fucking my cow. i just wanted to express my
admiration to your "e-zine" as they are called for your courage to publish a
subject of such objectionable manner, and i hope it has helped others as it
has helped me. keep up the good work!!
Sincerly,
Michael A. Burnes
Boise, Idaho
Well, Thank you Mr. Burnes. Fongu is always happy to assist people
with domestic difficulties. It is normal for members of the human race to
breed with farmyard animals! If you are concerned about your reputation or
social status... I'd suggest moving to West Virginia or some European
country. People like people like you there!@
-ewheat
------
Dear Fongu,
I masturbated too hard and my pepper broke off. :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
help! :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
Love,
Jackless in Seattle
Oh, silly newbie. That has happened to us multiple times. You
haven't a thing to worry about. spo0k prefers to use Elmer's glue to fix
that problem. Prodigy uses rubber cement (God knows why). Personally, I
use 3m Super Sticky Glue. Works like a snap... uhm, that wasn't a pun.
-ewheat
------
I've read fongu issues 1-3, but I cannot understand the concept of
poking at sex for the subject of humor. Tell me, how in the white man's
Hell do you find hermaphodites, homosexuals, masturbating and degrading
other races humorous? I pity the African American brothers and sisters who
dangle amongst your side, for they do not know they are associating with an
enemy of the African American race. Hath you no Islamic value? Allah damns
you.
Blackingly yours,
Reverend Louis Farrakhan
P.S. Make fun of those Kike Jews, will you?
Poop. Allah damns me. I'll never be a member of the Brotherhood
now. :( First of all. Sex/masturbation/homosexuality/etc have always been
a forbidden subject and probably wont always be... so it is our moment to
seize the moment and poke fun at it while it's still hot and cooking. As
for other races. Fongu is a multicultural 'zine... we degrade each
existing race/sex/breed offered on this planet earth (including ourselves)
-ewheat
P.S. MAYBE!!! They are a race, aren't they?
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( success in the office )-----------------------------------------(spo0k)-,
ok boys and girls.. erhm wait girls don't read this, at least, not
attractive girls, they don't have irc.. wait.. do girls have irc?
oh well.. who gives a fuck.. a lot has happened to yer old pal spo0k
since fongu3, one thing is, he works for a law firm setting up and managing
their network, as well as providing tech support for the brainless
secretaries who are too stupid to operate a stapler correctly not to mention
the $2000 computers they all have, and besides that, they aren't even hot, i
mean, i don't even masturbate about them.. (well ok, i don't masturbate
about them anymore, but what's the difference).. so basically i go in and
try to make things the way my bosses want them while still trying to get the
secretaries to like me (apparently that has some bearing on my employment
there..) but i never usually get things done.. the worst part is i don't
really ever get time off, because i'm seemingly allways on call, they call
me in the morning, in the evening, on the weekend, anytime i'm not at work i
allways have to leave my fone off the hook for fear they might talk to me..
one of them called me in the morning and said "i came in this morning and my
computer was in the middle of the floor and it doesn't work, what the hell
did you do to it?!" well of course she woke me up (i was planning on a day
off) and i guess i didn't talk in the most pleasant tone (i guess i offended
her) so she was all pissy the rest of the day.. incidentally.. the computer
was 6" from where it normally sits and the only problem was the mouse was
plugged into the keyboard slot and vice-versa..
anyway, to the point of the article, pleasing your dog in bed..
if yer reading this at work i would stop and wait till you get home cuz i
dont' know about yer boss but my boss doesn't like me masturbating on the
clock (at least, not on his desk.. but that's another story)
anyways, back to the point, masturbation in the office..
the best place to go is yer office, you can allways lock the door and face
your computer so if yer boss manages to get in you can look like yer working
(don't forget to turn your computer on first and load up a document, i made
the mistake of getting caught masturbating in front of a blank screen and he
just didn't believe me <shrug> i still can't figure out why) but if yer an
un-appreciated employee (like me.) and you don't have an office.. its always
fun to go sit under a secretaries desk and start hammin it when she comes
back to sit down (it's allways better to find a secretary who's wearing a
skirt that day, so you can see her panties).. you can jizz all over her legs
and then run, just make sure yer boss isn't around.. but the all time best
place is laying down on yer bosses desk and masturbating, it gives you such
a feeling of power to leave yer baby making juice all over his important
documents, especially documents that he has to pass along to female
coworkers (cuz if you get lucky they charge him with sexual harrasment and
he gets fired cuz you couldn't keep it in yer pants at work that day)..
but again, make sure yer boss isn't around cuz if he see's you, he might
join in, and it takes the fun out of it.. on the otherhand, if yer boss is a
female, she'll either start fragging herself right there, or, in the more
likely scenario, she'll fire you and sue you with sexual harrassment, the
difference between masturbating with her around and doing it all over the
sexetaries is that the secretaries are too stupid to know the definition of
sexual harrassment, in fact, they'll probably leave a voice mail for you
saying "i don't think my computer is working right, it just spit all over
me, can you come take a look at it?" in which case, you can come down the
hall and look under her desk and say "hmm.. i think i'll stake out down here
for a bit and see if it does it again" and you can proceed to ham it some
more, thus creating an endless cycle untill she forgets how to use her phone
or you get overly sore and tell her she's retarded for not knowing that you
just masturbated on her about 40 times in the last half-hour, in which case
she will look at you like she doesn't understand and leave you a voice mail
20 minutes later that say's "just wondering if you were ever gunna fix my
computer, i'll be here for the rest of the afternoon" i hope you get a lot
of masturbation pleasures out from reading this article, more to come from
yer pal spo0k
oh.. on a side note, my mad cows disease cleared up, and bessie is doing
fine..
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( History of masturbation )-------------------------------------(prodigy)-,
<ewheat> You must write for fongu4.
<ewheat> yes you must!
<DJprodigy> whoa... really? like, about what?
<ewheat> hmmm... something sexual. masturbation. uhm... anything. :)
and now, by special spankin' request, an article for fongu@004.
by the gods! er, prodigy
Many people have misconceptions about masturbation. Masturbation was
a self defence technique developped by a US Advisory council in the late
1930's. It was named after its creator, one(1) John Masturbation. He had
devised a way to defend one's self in case one is attacked and seriously
outnumbered. How it was accomplished:
1) drop thy pants
2) flail around
As different as it was from today's version of masturbation, from
it sprung(excuse the pun) the seeds of contemporay exual relief for those
without a significant other. Its most practical application at the time was
to combat the nazi menace in WW2. Field attempts using the original method
were slightly less than successful, and alterations to the technique
(anything from adding a texas two step, one of the more popular dance
manouvers of the era, to pulling a quarter from an enemy's ear which was
later revealed as a trick, causing the nazis to become even more infuriated)
were duds.
However, a young soldier who ineptly performed the technique during
a combat situation performed the activity we now associate with masturbation
in battle. Axis casualties were staggering. The nazis tried to combat it,
but it was all for naught. Sperm warfare was too powerful a force. By the
time it was over, there were over 200, 000 masturbatory-related kills.
Regretfully, said young soldier was posthumously presented with the
millitary's highest honor at that time, The Good Military Guy Award. (He was
killed after being ambushed in his bunker. He had gone deaf, ans also
suffered from epilepsy. While it hasn't been conclusively proven that
masturbation was the cause of this, rumors still abound to this day.
Sperm warfare was banned in 1962. Masturbation techniques are
still talked about in sexual education classes to this day, so that the
young people of this country can defend themselves in times of war.
Addendum: references to the evils of masturbation were tacked into
the bible in the past 20 years to make it a more interesting read. Now many
modern scholars believe the bible is in reality, soft-core pornography.
But that's for another issue. G'night.
<DJprodigy> THERES NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT MAN/WOMAN SEX. ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING,
I SAY.
<ewheat> OH YEAH? MAKE IT FUNNY!@#%
Many people have misconceptions about man/woman sex. man/woman sex
was a self defence technique developped by a US Advisory council in the late
1930s It was named after its creator, one(1) John Man/woman sex. He had
devised a ..
hey, where are you taking me?
get your paws off me, you dirty ape!
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
.-( fongu crack )--------------------------------------------------(ewheat)-,
Drugs are cool. It's trendy. The blue-haired kid next to you does
drugs. Cubans do drugs. Marcia Brady does drugs. It is VERY COOL to do
drugs!!!!!! Unfortunately, fongu is employed of poor writers with no money.
Therefore, we cant enjoy the leisure time drugs provide. Because of our
cash shortage, we've managed to improvise. After endless hours of carefully
observing the ways of The Frugal Gourmet and Betty Crocker... we've managed
to produce our own chemical stimulant!
Items needed :
--------------
A stove
6 oz. bag of Gummi Bears(c) (not Gummi Worms or any stupid replacement)
16+ Pixy Stixs (the more, the better)
Cheap metal container (used for melting the gummi bears)
Crisco(tm)! (hmm, yummy crisco(tm)!!)
Mixing spoon (plastc sporks are cool!)
Some munchies (preferably doritios or ding dongs)
Instructions :
--------------
Step 1:
Spread the Crisco(tm) across the metal container (so your stuff wont
stick!@) uhm... that's step one.
Step deux:
Dump the bag of Gummi Bears(c) in the metal container. Yeah. Cool.
Step III:
Set an oven on "High," and place the metal container on the open
stove. Prepare for it to melt.
Step 5:
Wait.
Step 5.1:
Uhm, wait.
Step 5.7:
Drink Dr. Pepper and eat some Ding Dongs. <--- fongu plug.
Step 666:
Assuming the gummi bears have melted by now. Hold all pixy stix'
with one hand. Using scissors or a sharp object, snip all the edges off
(from one end, not both of them. doof.) Dump them in the container and
use the spork... or spoon to mix the pixy stix + gummi bears into a nice
puree. The mixture should be a transparent Green + white color pattern.
Step 7 (Brad Pitt Promo!):
Place the metal container in a fridge... or if you're in Alaska or
some eskimo country... place it outside. Allow it to freeze over some
time.
Step ate:
Assuming you used Crisco/Vaseline/lubricant/jizz, the mixture should
drop out with ease. Take a chisel or a blunt object and crack the cylinder
into small pieces. Place in a ziplock bag.
Now, you are a proud possesor of fongu's own brand of generic crack
rocks! Tokum Smokum, friends!
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( Diagnostic of the Anal Canal )-----------------(Dr. Clemtus Alfphasika)-,
,-----------------,
,------------------------------| Plastic Glasses |
| `-----------------'
,----------------------------------------------------------------------,
| Anal Canal or Anus is the final portion of Digestive System and wrap |
| sphincters (muscle bands) responsible for stools' control. |
`----------------------------------------------------------------------'
| `\ ,---, ,---,
`-----------------------------------------------, |00\| <------,
| |' ) |
| | o | |
| `\__| |
| < > |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| \ / |
| `v' |
| |
`------------------'
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( Fuck women )----------------------------------------------------(spo0k)-,
bah
fuck women
who needs 'em... especially not us internet junkies, we can just get porn
anytime we want.. i mean come on.. who needs women when you have porn..
how many women do you know that you can just walk up to at any time of
the day (or really late at night, depending on if you live at home wif
yer mommy) that you can just walk up to, whip it out, and start hammin away?
well you can with porn..
and to go along with that... i know you none of you have big dicks (hey,
lets face it.. if you were a stallion you wouldn't be depending on the
internet for social interaction) and i dunno about you, but my porn doesn't
laugh at my 2".. in fact, she's usually smiling.. or moaning.. if there is
much of a difference..
now i know what yer thinking (or maybe you've never had a girlfriend in
which case you really DO need the internet) "porn can't hold you.. you cant
hug porn and tell it yer problems, you can't kiss porn.." PHOOEY... i have
held, talked to, caressed, kissed, jizzed on, and done everything you can
think of to my porn.. and hey, that porn with the captions, who the hell do
you think she's talking to? YOU!
so there.. porn is the perfect replacement for women.. another bonus is, porn
is allways naked, or involved in some sort of erotic action, man.. how many
girls do you know that every time you see them they are either masturbating,
fucking, getting fucked, giving head, getting head, smacking dogs on the
head, cumming, going, or just naked in general (hey if you do know anyone
like this, find me on irc (as long as i'm not idle masturbating) and tell me
and i'll move right over to yer town and get me some of that shit!!)
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( Unresolved Childhood Issues )---------------------------------(prodigy)-,
FONGU: AMERICA'S GOOD TIME ZINE. BY THE PRODODIGY.
I think playgrounds are evil, evil things. and i feel this way for 2
reasons, they're too dangerous, and they're not dangerous enough.
"huh? you crazy prodigy, whatchootalkinbout, willis?"
shut the fuck up, junkie. here we go...
when you were a kid, you liked to play on the jungle gym, right?
well, I wasn't like you. I was scared to fucken death of that thing. when i
was like a little kid, they(the MAN) wouldn't let me go there. Then, when I
was finally allowed to go there, the second time I went, I got bullied by
some big kids, & this continued for like, 2 years. I got my reasons for
hating them. However, I see in hindsight that they are, in fact, tools of
SATAN HIMSELF.
SATAN! You heard right, bitch. Why do you think all those kids
carved all those nasty words on the park benches? see? EVIL!
Only recently have I noticed how dangerous things were there. First
of all, you know that pole you can slide down? yeah, the AVERAGE kid (circa
1985) could go down it just fine, but now that that pole's 12 years old, its
so damn ass rickety you'd probably get lockjaw just looking at it. And a
good tug on a kid's leg could rip his arms off if he was climbing on the
monkey bars.
Though its never something I MYSELF have contemplated doing.
On an unrelated note, have you ever wanted to shove a basketball
down your shirt and pretend you were the world's first pregnant man?
Me, neither. Back to the article...
The odd thing is, you always wanted it as a kid to be more dangerous.
I mean how many of us found hypodermic needles around like we wanted to?
( you know what else just occurred to me... didn't you ever wonder when you
were six WHY someone would be leaving a bunch of needles around? No! If you
did, you'd probably think some old crazy guy <the one who gives out apples
with the razor blades in them> was leaving them around, or maybe a really
sloppy doctor. But I'm digressing). Anyways, if you did, I envy you.
Now, I think it'd be pretty cool if you like had a crocodile or two
at the bottom of the slide, or under the monkey bars. I mean, there's
putting the whole natural selection thing to work right there, eh? So, if
you're little Timmy's parents, you better whip that chunky bastard into
shape, cause he may not make it home tonight with all his beloved
appendages! hAH! The kids who do make it are given daily excersize right
there.
Remember kids, this is not a drill. I stand by any/all my theories,
so if you got a problem with it, you can take a number in my lineup of
people who will have a few less teeth to worry... wait. I'm not a
stereotypical italian mob enforcer.
Damn.
warmest regards,
Prodigy.
dot@cybersolutions.net
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( Stealing Nintendo 64 )-----------------------------------------(ewheat)-,
Materials you'll need
-o- Scissors
-o- Construction Paper (Brown and Orange)
-o- Blue T-shirt (XXL)
-o- Some glue
-o- Magnum 44 Marker (Black)
-o- Large Box of cardboard (Refridgrator sized)
-o- Social Enigneering skills
Carefully take the scissors, cut the brown construction paper in
as many circles as you can. Preferably a range between 3 and 6 inches in
diameter. After about fifteen or so circles, you're all done with the hard
work!@ You're on your way to getting that Nintendo64!@
Now comes the complicated part. Glue all the Orange papers all
across the cardboard box, giving it a nice Orangey coat. Take the circles
you made, and dabble them all over the box. There!@# You have a big orange
box with brown circles!@ Keep going!@
Now slide yourself in the box, adjust the box around so it suits
you, then cut two tiny holes in the front, so you can see. Then two holes
on the sides, so you can stick your arms out of these... and stuff.
Carefully slide the big orange box with brown circles in the XXL
blue t-shirt you prepared. Take the big fat-ass Magnum 44 out and carefully
write "Geoffrey" across the front of the blue t-shirt.
Now, you are Geoffrey the giraffee (or that's what people will think)
you now have control over Toys-R-Us.
Skeedaddle to your local Toys-R-Us. Dont forget to put the suit on.
Failure to use the suit will cause this mission to fail. There might be
a few kids who will squeal or grab your butt-tocks once they see you. Don't
worry, that's how kids react to Geoffrey. Work your way towards the
management system. You'll usually stumble upon some pimple-faced 17 year old
peon. Not to worry, you're the respectable mascot of Toys-R-Us. (Follow
the directions CAREFULLY)
1.) Inquire if you can have access to the storage room in the electronic
toys department (that's where the nintendo64 is!@... use your Geoffrey-given
authority if necessary... or a nice prompt bitchslap will do.)
2.) After you've obtained the keys. Locate the storage room
3.) Locate the big ugly boxes that say "Nintendo 64" (that's nintendo64!@)
3.) Stuff the Nintendo64 box under your suit. (There wont be any bulge since
it's a cardboard suit!@)
4.) Escape Toys-r-us. Dont forget to keep up with the Geoffrey perky
attitude. Be sure to say phrases such as...
"HI, I AM GEOFFREY THE GIRAFFEE!@ HI KIDS!"
"HI, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE BICYCLE SECTION, INSTEAD? HELLO!@
OH WHAT? I DONT HAVE A NINTENDO64 UNDER MY SUIT, NO I DONT!@ YOU'RE
SILLY!@ HI!@# HELLO!@# *HONKING*"
"BYE!@"
Troubleshooting:
<Pimple faced 17 year old manager> "You're not Geoffrey, you're some kid in
a cardboard box."
<you> "Didn't you hear about the cutbacks? Toys-r-us cant afford a nice
furry suit for little old me anymore. I am outraged. I am a Toys-r-us
icon, now let me through!"
--------
<Pimpled faced 17 year old manager> "Give me the keys after you're done."
<you> "No." (this is essential for future Toys-r-us projects.)
--------
<Little screaming brat> "HI GEOFFREY, CAN I PUNCH YOU IN THE BUTT?!@"
*punch*
<you> "Listen here you little snot nosed piece of shit, touch my ass again
and I'll tell your mom."
--------
<Little screaming bitch> "HI GEOFFREY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
<you> "Since pedophilia is illegal in all 50 states. Move to Sweden with
me... then it's a deal."
Hopefully you wont have to undergo all the problems mentioned above.
If the whole operation was a success... Congratulations!@ You now own a
Nintendo 64 (and the keys to the storage room!@) Fongu is proud of you!@
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-( Anatomy of Spastic Colon )---------------------(Dr. Clemtus Alfphasika)-,
,-------------------------------------------------------------------------,
| Spastic Colon is a functional colon disorder characterized by diarrhea, |
| with diffuse abdominal pain of varied intensity. There is no known |
| consideration, pain seems to be caused by colonic spasms without |
| organic lesion. Treatment is medical, with medicines as |
| antispasmodics, intestinal regulators and ansiolitics, since stress |
| fulfils an important role in this illness. |
`-------------------------------------------------------------------------'
,---, /'
|/00|\
( `| \________________________
| o | |
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,---| Neil Armstrong Buzz Cut | |
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???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
,-(prodigy's musical section)-----------------------------------------------,
GEORGE MICHAEL, BACK WITH A VENGANCE. by the prodigy.
"Hi! I'm Rex!"
"And I'm Judy. And welcome to another meeting of... THE SCIENCE ALLIANCE!"
The classroom erupts in subtle laughter. Yes, straight out of the mid-
1980's Scarborough Board of Education science video archives, we kick out
another too cool for radio episode of the Science Alliance.
The plethora of bad films shown in the grade 10 advanced summer
school course is quite frankly unparalelled. Though nothing had come close
to this. The film was about.. well, I don't know. But the things said were
really unimportant. It was a totally non-slick, poorly concieved piece of
work that could only be reached in the "slap any old crap together, we've
got lots of money!" period of the school systems of North America. As I sat
ripping an infected scab off of my forehead, the program took its amporphous
shape.
This is not to say there wasn't learning to be head. "At its hottest
point, the sun is 50,000(!) times hotter than the hottest kitchen oven."
Whoa! I'd never be able to understand some sort of denomination of degrees!
Only through the magic of metaphors could something like that be truly
comprehended. Thanks, Science Alliance!
Then, at regular intervals, some idiot named Bryant would enlighten
us with his uh, insights.
"Did someone say peanuts, Judy?"
"Why yes I did, Bryant!"
"It's time for another of... BRYANT'S GIANTS OF SCIENCE!"
OOooooh. Through his masterful storytelling, he weaved a tale about
the late George Washington Carver, who came up with over 300 different uses
for the peanut and peanut related products. However, he had his doubters.
"That's monkey food!" One exclaimed!
"No it isn't!" Was Carver's reply. (wow. colour me impressed.)
Now, peanuts can be used to make things such as soap, paint, and
(This caught my attention) explosives.
One thing bothered me about the program more than anything. The
letters supposedly written in by kids were questions like "what is the first
law of thermodynamics? - johnny, age 11" or things to that effect. Finally,
as the credits rolled, it hit me. The actor who played Bryant wasn't
ACTUALLY called Bryant at all! (Rex and Judy were actually Rex and Judy)
Man, did I feel betrayed.
---
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?? ??
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One man's quest for enlightenment in an oppressive and domineering yet oddly
docile indoeuropean aristocracy circa the mid 1970's. by the prodigy.
Science is messy.
"Dissection will be on thursday."
These words set a ripple through the class like nobody's business. I
was somewhat surprised. Going into Grade 11 biology, I had yet to do any form
of dissection in my tenure at the Scarborough Board of Education ("We kill
the homeless. It's our business." My computer science teacher didn't
appreciate that as much as I did, or how I put it as a background in ever
Windows 95 background in my class, but I'm digressing). Anyway, I wasn't
really afraid of seeing dissection. Hacking them apart just gave me the
heebie jeebies.
YES! HEEBIE JEEBIES! ARGH!
Anyway, Thursday rolled around with an added bonus. We'd be
dissecting a fish AND a frog! As the teacher rolled out a cart with
ziplocked frogs in rubber casings, and a tray of dead perch, we set to work.
The fish dissection was much more difficult, as its skin was much thicker.
It was kind of surreal. I in fact did no cutting, it just weirded me out
too much. It went pretty well except for the fact that when rinsing off the
cut open fish a jet of water, uh kinda BLEW UP most of its insides. That was
not fun.
Now... to the frog. After it being opened up, things just kind of
went straight to hell. As the teacher teachered(known as some circles as
teaching), the two other members of my group methodically thought of ways to
obliterate & destroy the frog. As its appendages were being methodically
sliced off, I made the mistake of blurting out:
"What the fuck else can you do to this thing? Take out its brain?"
It was something not unlike Richard Nixon yelling "Fuck!" on those,
um Watergate tapes. Yeah. Their eyes lit up as they cracked the head like
they crack chests on 'ER'. They air conditioned that frog, All right. It was
just creepy.
I went home, filled out my options correction sheet, and violently
crossed out BIO3AV (my grade 11 gifted biology credit) from the sheet.
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<ewheat> woo, tough deadline. you happy spo0k?
<spo0k> GIVE ME FONGU NOW!!!!!!!!!
<proDJ> GIVE ME FONGU, OR I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!
<ewheat> uhh...
*knock knock*
<proDJ> Who could that be at this ungodly hour?
<spo0k> GIVE ME FONGU NOW!!!!!!!!!!
*door bursts open*
<ewheat> IT'S THE BLOODY BRITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<proDJ> FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<spo0k> GIVE ME FONGU NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
<ewheat> FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<spo0k> FUC...... GIVE ME FONGU NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Bloody Brit 1> We are Brit. Resistance is futile. You will be assmilated.
<Bloody Brit 2> Bloody hell, aye!
<prodJ> I'M HALF SCOTISH!!!!!!!!
<ewheat> FUC---------
*blip*