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(ASCii By AD!)
Damned Fucking Shit
Editor: Access Denied
Issue #40
Title: 101 Uses For a Shi-Tsu
Date: 9/15/94
By: Ares
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/ O \ uSeS FoR a SHi-TSu
1-Play football with it.
2-Put in a jar in case of a nuclear fallout.
3-Use it as a koosh ball.
4-Shove a pole up its ass and dust your celing with it.
5-Take the pole out and dust your keyboard with it.
6-Soak it in drayno and flush it down the toilet to clean out the pipes.
7-Paint it blue and give it to small children telling them it's hairy smurf.
8-Throw it at a fan to redecorate your walls.
9-See how long it lasts as a fan belt.
10-Feed it nitro glycerine and teach it to jump up and down.
11-Feed it nitro glycerine and give it to a jumpy person.
12-Put it in a microwave wrapped in tin foil.
13-Staple its head to a Treasure Troll body and market it.
14-Mount its head on your wall and say, "well, I was AIMING for the deer..."
15-Watch a cat kick its ass.
16-Feed it LSD and see if it jumps out a window.
17-Name it killer.
18-Name it Foofie and teach it to nibble at the toes of intruders.
19-Shove a phone line in its ass and call someone.
20-Feed it C-4 and teach it to nibble on electrical cords.
21-Give it to your mother for her birthday and say it's a German loofa sponge.
22-Give it to your father and say it's a hairpiece.
23-Wash your car with it.
24-Test your new flame thrower on it.
25-Sue it for sexual harrasment.
26-Tell it it's your hero, and it's everything you wish you could be.
27-Shove a bottle rocket up its ass and see how far it flies.
28-Get it drunk and make it drive home.
29-Put it in a porn movie with a doberman. (youch!)
30-Put a bunch of 'em in a line and call it a speed bump.
31-Give it to Dahmer and see what happens.
32-They make attractive door stops...
33-Use it for a target on a dart board.
34-Hold it under water to see how long it can hold its breath.
35-Teach it to bite heads off of pigeons and name it Ozzy.
36-Throw a tennis ball into a hydraulic press and watch it go in after it.
37-Practice your drive with it.
38-Force Spam, Jello, and Vaseline down its throat.
39-They make good cannon shot...
40-Crucify it.
41-Shove a top up its ass, spin it around and say its a midget Tazmanian Devil.
42-Cut it up and slip some into your mom's potpourri pot.
43-Scrub your toilet with it.
44-Throw it at your radio to change the channel.
45-Use it as a paintbrush.
46-Kill a bunch of them, put them on your floor and say it's shag carpet.
47-Laugh at it.
48-Nail it to your door on Halloween so the children will go away.
49-Wrap it around your wrist and say you put hair tonic on your watch.
50-Hold it under a magnifying glass on a sunny day.
51-Record its barking as new age music.
52-Replace your grandparent's "Depends" with it.
53-Replace your own "Depends" with it.
54-Dip it in paint and throw it at people saying it's a new game.
55-Contact Satan with it.
56-Put it in a tape drive and see how many DFS magazines will fit on it.
57-Skin it and make an attractive toaster cover.
58-Put it in your Nintendo and game with it.
59-Plug its ears into a wall socket.
60-Stuff it into your VCR and press PLAY.
61-Stuff it into your tape/CD player and press PLAY.
62-Tie it to the ground and drop big concrete slabs on it.
63-Get three of them and juggle.
64-Nail it's head over Vic's on a Megadeth poster.
65-Smoke a cigarette with it.
66-Smoke tea with it.
67-Smoke IT.
68-Dress it up in skimpy leather and see if it'll pass for Lita Ford.
69-Give it a bunch of plastic surgery and see if it'll pass for Micheal Jackson
.
70-Teach it how to blow a dog whistle and drive itself insane.
71-Bolt wheels to it and go skateboarding.
72-Get it pissed so you can laugh at it when it growls.
73-Strap it to your feet and go skiing, yelling shit as you fly down the hill.
74-Throw it off a tall building and see if it hits a cop.
75-Throw it at a wall of spikes.
76-Dress it up and call it... "Spuds McKenzie... The Yuppie Generation"
77-Feed it dynamite and teach it to play with matches.
78-Grind it up and sell it in a health food store.
79-Dress it up and don't take it out.
80-Teach it to press down on a gas pedal and put it in someone's running car.
81-Put it in a freezer so it dosen't spoil.
82-Make fuzzy earmufs out of it.
83-Shave it bald and say it's a big newt.
84-Accidently leave it in your locker over the summer.
85-Replace your mom's powder ball with it.
86-Stuff it in your armpit to absorb sweat.
87-Leave your life savings to it.
88-Blame your H/P/A/V/C doings on it.
89-Eat it alive and barf all over everyone.
90-Feed it to a REAL dog.
91-Polish your shoes with it.
92-Feed it to a venus fly trap.
93-Make gourmet beef jerky out of it.
94-Cover it with maggots and throw it at a huge flock of birds.
95-Name it as the mascot for a midget yuppie baseball team.
96-Name it Tatoo and teach it to say "de plane, boss... de plane!!!"
97-Use it as a hockey puck.
98-Put it in the middle of the ocean and see how far it swims before it drowns.
99-Teach it to be a sheepdog and watch it get trampled.
100-Write a "101 uses" text file about it.
101-BUUUUURN!!!!! MUUUAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
list created by *-=ArEs=-* for DFS, inc.
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