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-=-=-=-=-=-=-
- **************************************************************************
- *
- Evil Angels Presents... /\ /\ *
- / \ / \ *
- Anarchistic Tendencies... Part VI / \/ \ *
- \ /\ / / *
- The complete do-it-yourself \ / \ / / *
- KAMIKAZE DRIVER COURSE \/ \/ / *
- (Dedicated to Raster Blaster) / *
- /______ *
- Released November 24, 1988 / *
- / *
- By: The founder of Evil Angels, The Masked Avenger / *
- And Fearless Fred (AKA Lightening Bolt). / *
- / *
- **************************************************************************
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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WARNING!
Before attempting this course you MUST be in peak physical and
spiritual condition. We recomend that you begin your training
at least one month before starting the course.
If you do not have the dedication to training your success as
a kamikaze driver will of course be effected.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You will need:
--------------
Determination.
A sense of destiny.
A white scarf.
A pair of goggles. (Optional)
A bicycle.
A very expensive (FAST) car. (For advanced kamikazes)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------
Initial Training: Spiritual
---------------------------
It is very important that you are well prepared spiritually
before attempting to begin the rigorous physical training
required to become a kamikaze.
With every day you will become a more confident man of destiny.
Your jaw will take on a different shape, your eyes will get
smaller and take on a glint of iron determination, and as you
progress through this course you will notice how women's
heads will turn as you walk past, dogs will run in fear,
and your mother will stop making you eat your vegetables.
Exercise 1: You will need to take control of your emotions.
This is easily acheived by sitting in front of
the television, and taking on a serious facial
expression, and then keeping that expression
for as long as you can. Keep your eyes focussed on
a point slightly above and several metres behind
the television you are watching.
The best programs are comedies. YOU MUST NOT LAUGH!
Kamikazes have a serious job to do, and your image
as a kamikaze will be damaged if you are seen smiling
must less laughing!
Second best is soap operas. The more boring the better.
These will give you the oportunity to pracice your
serious job to do look while everyone else is looking
bored. Having other people around may be distracting
at first, as bored people will become curious as to
what your serious job to do look is all about, but
ignoring them will not only get rid of them, it will
be an achievement in holding your facial expression.
Exercise 2: Praying.
Clasp your hands together, take on your serious job
to do look, and begin mumbling. Don't actually say
anything, and keep your face as motionless as posible.
If you prefer, keep your eyes open, but don't focus
on anything.
If you keep your eyes closed, it is much more
impressive if you bow and raise the volume of your
mumbles proportional to the angle of your bow.
Ensure that when you bow you do not fall
over! However, should you fall over, take advantage
of it, and assume the lotus position, and continue
your prayers.
Remember Kamikazes don't make mistakes. If something
goes wrong increase the determination in your facial
expression, and take advantage of the situation by
making people think that you meant it.
You should now look and act the part of the Kamikaze. It is
most important that you do not lose these skills, so make sure
that you pray at least once per day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Initial Training: Physical
--------------------------
You should spend approximately an hour a day training.
For physical training, there are some simple exercises you
can practice while watching TV, walking to school, while
having dinner. Just about any time of the day opportunities
will present themselves.
1. Walls are one of the most vital resources available to
you at this stage. Partly because, as a rule, walls are
quite hard, and secondly because there are so many of them.
Exercise 1: Walk up to the wall.
Look straight at it.
Punch it as hard a you can.
Try not to yell. This is very important as it
teaches you self disipline, needed later.
Exercise 2: Walk up to the wall.
Stand approximately 1 metre back from it.
(This step will depend upon how tall you are.)
Close your eyes. (Optional)
Lean foreward.
If you follow the steps involved here, you should
find yourself lying on the ground with a headache.
If you ache anywhere else, it means that something
has gone wrong. Try adjusting the distance between
yourself and the wall.
If you have dificulty in achieving these simple exercises, don't
despare. You must simply re-condition yourself to your destiny.
Start with simple exercises like getting a close friend or family
member to pull away a chair just before you sit on it. This will
build your confidence. Another good confidence builder is to try
and juggle knives. Start with one, then work you way up. If you
can handle three, try sharpening them. For extra confidence, try
whenever you drop a knife, having a drink of saki.
Exercise 3: This is an exercise in showing off your skills as a
future Kamikaze. Go into a large office building,
and go into the lifts. Stand in front of the doors,
and using the skills you used from exercise 2 you
will be able to judge the distance you need to stand
away from the door.
Now, just as the doors open, lean foreward. This will
look very impressive to the people waiting to get into
the lift. It is also very important that you don't
groan, or otherwise make any noice, otherwise people
will think that you're alive still, and feel obligated
to help you. You should have learned this skill from
exercise 1.
From this exercise you will improve your timing skills
needed for future exercises.
These are just basic training exercises. Use your imagination.
Remember, a Kamikaze wont get very far in his field unless he
has the resourcefulness to cope with setbacks.
------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------
Advanced Training
-----------------
Having cultivated your skills, both spiritually, and physically,
you are now ready to proceed with the advanced training.
For this you will need your white scarf, goggles and a bicycle.
Once on your bicycle, head for a busy street intersection.
Ensure that the street is not too busy. For best results, the
scarf should be long enough that it will flap in the wind.
Wait at the selected corner for an appropriate vehicle.
A public bus is ideal, but if there aren't many about, a truck
is also acceptable.
While waiting at the corner, you may want to do some praying, and
deep breathing exercises will be useful later.
When the chosen vehicle is in sight, begin peddling. You should
remember to allow time to get the the place of contact the same
time as the bus. So begin peddling BEFORE the bus gets there.
| ___ |
| | B | | Start peddling when bus
| | U | | is at this position.
_______________| | S | |________________
|| |___|
||
||
___ ___ _____|| _________ ___
|| o
Point of contact \/ || /|~~
/\<-<-|| 0-/-0
_______________ ||______________
| |
| |
| |
If you remembered your deep breathing exercises, you will now
be able to not only attrack the attention of the people in the
bus and pathways, but also impress them with your your loud
scream of "Banzai!".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Graduation
----------
Once you have been discharged from hospital, you will now be
ready for the final stage of your course in being a Kamikaze driver.
This is the most important stage in your career, and the one
that you only get one chance at.
How you do it is up to you, but remember some of the finer points
in graduation.
1. Make sure you get plenty of sleep the day before your mission.
By not having enough sleep you are prone to make mistakes, which
could cause your mission to fail.
2. Flame looks good. So if you don't have time to douse your car's
exterior with petrol just before your final plunge, I suggest
that you get a long (approximately 5 metres) piece of red
material, and cut V shaped notches into the end. Then just
before impact hang it out the window. The fluttering motion
will look slightly more impressive than nothing at all.
3. A microphone attached to a P.A. system is another nice touch.
As people wont be able to hear your "Banzai!" over the roar
of the engine, the P.A. system will at least be an improvement.
Be careful to resist the temptation of muttering last words
like "Take this you ass-hole!". A simple "Banzai!" is much
more appropriate.
4. It is always better to have a reason for your mission.
Wait until someone has insulted you, been rude to you,
or didn't look with enough respect towards you when you
were practicing one of your serious job to do looks.
Then make it a point of telling them that they have
insulted your honour and they will reap the consequences
of their actions.
The less trivial the matter the better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Our H E R O
-------------
One of our most promicing, yet unsuccessful students is
Raster Blaster. So far his failed missions have included
a high speed collision with the back of a truck that had
insulted his honour by backfiring. Result: Written off
car, and failed mission.
Next was his high speed collision with a fence.
We believe that it was not the fence, but the people who
owned it that had insulted his honour. Result: Written off
Celica, failed mission. (See what I mean about making
mistakes when you don't get enough sleep?)
Next: His attempt with his brand new Integra. So far
no-one has been game enough to insult his honour.
Other people to watch for are Simply Sparks. He has been
unable to master riding a bicycle, so has taken training
missions in his car. At the rate he is going he wont have
a car in which to complete his final mission. One point to
note here for you younger Kamikazes; car's work better when
the wheels are on the ground, not the roof. There are
certain aspects of training that have been ommited because
we thought common sence would cover such topics.
Masked Avanger. This is our most successful bicycle rider
yet. At the rate he is going at he wont need a car.
Truly a Kamikaze bike rider for all of us to be proud of!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A note from the members of Evil Angels:
Good luck, and remember, YOURMUTHASUKSCOKSINHELLLLLLL!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This Edition's Awards
---------------------
Bastard of the month........................ The Masked Avenger
(AGAIN!)
Boring person of the month.................. Vagabond
(AGAIN!)
Drunken sysop of the month................... Fearless Fred
(AGAIN!)
Driver of the month......................... Simply Sparks!
(Truck engravements do suit your Accord)
Romeo of the month.......................... Ivan Trotsky
Juliet of the month......................... SYN ...
NB: This may not be related (But bet ya balls it is!)
Hoon of the month.......................... Thelonius Monk
(Minus $135)
Nerdy Message of the Month................. Captain Chaos
(Has his modem for
2 days and already
rates an award!)
Sysop of the month.......................... Craig Bowen
(AND NEXT MONTH...)
Software distributer award.................. Taxi Cab
Slut of the month........................... Fire Fox
Mentat's sex life will never be the same!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes for this month.
----------------------
Craig Bowen: "I can't think at all"
SYN ...: "I don't believe I have had a comfortable screw"
"I've had an Orgasm, they're nice aren't they?"
Fearless Fred: "I haven't has sex in SOOO long."
Taxi Cab: "Can someone teach me how to program BASIC, C or assembly?"
Vagabond: "The SYN's working fine, I just can't get THE end in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
YOUR STAR SIGNS
---------------
By Ze Prophet
Aries: This month there's either a spec on my telescope, or
there's some sort of planet thingie hovering around
a constelation wotsit. This means that love is in the
air for you. But it could also mean that you're going
to be invited to a bit party and break out in zits
the night before.
Tuarus: This month I couldn't find venus, which means that
you will experience a stable relationship which will
have disasterous results. Be careful not to drive
a Toyota. They have a tendancy to make you jump
uncontrollably!
Gemini: Your planet is murcury. It seems to be higher in the
thermometre than usual which indicates your love life
will flourish this month. Just remember to wash you
hand afterwards.
Cancer: With mars so much in the news with the Ruskies and all,
it indicates that you should avoid Austpac as much as
posible and concentrate on that playboy. Your love life
isn't going to improve this month either, but with a
personality like yours, I'd doubt it ever will.
Leo: Being ruled by the sun, and this being summer, it symbolises
that it's a good time for some huba-ta-huba-ta. If you're
not getting enough, get a little on the side. If you're not
getting any, it's high time to start!
Virgo: There's an anomoly somewhere either in the milky way
or close by it. This means you should cut down on your
cholesterol, and watch your weigh this month. Also, you
could be involved in a traffic jam if you drive in peak
hour traffic. Don't despair, you will soon crash your car
again, and be back to using public transport and avoiding
traffic jams.
Libra: Trouble is brewing on the horizon. You should start saving
now for your next phone bill. There is also signs of travel,
so if you don't think you can afford your bills, book a flight
to Cuba now and avoid the confrontations.
Scorpio:Well, you're a little prick, so the best thing to do is
end it all now while the time is right.
Sagittarius: Your life seems to be going fine so far, and the stars
indicate that you will have someone over for dinner
in two weeks or so. As you're basically a walking disaster,
you'll be better off eating out.
Capricorn: Now is a good time to change your underwear. Be careful
not to shower this month as there are bad omens with
whats-his-name the water carrier. On the whole, your
love life will continue to be disasterous. Socially, you
don't have a chance this month either, so stay home.
Aquarius: You're bound for conflict this month, but don't worry,
all will end in your favor. Relationships will be strained
this month, and your sex life will take a dive. Remember,
there are drugs you can take to cure impotence, but science
can't cure a small dick.
Pisces: You should pay more attention towards your business life
this month. There seems to be an eclipse of the moon that
orbits that cute little red whatsit near your planet
indicating you shouldn't forget the Aeroguard fot the next
BBQ like you did last time, or your girlfriend isn't as sweet
and innocent as you first thought, and you should consider
a trip to the Clinic.
----------------------------------------
My predictions for this month:
Having star gazed for minutes on end, there seems to be some
unrest in that fuzzy bit of the sky. This means nothing, except
that bit of the sky wasn't fuzzy last time I looked, so I
probably need glasses.
Being summer, the sun is out a lot of the time. So all you Leo's
out there go have a good time, and the rest of you will suffer.
If you're looking for a lover, avoid Virgo people. They're what
us prophetic people refer to as BAD OMENS. Leo's are in season this
month, but watch out for jelous Aquarius boyfriends.
I also saw a satelite. This means that it's a good time to buy
that expensive thing you wanted, and give it to someone who wont
use it as a Christmas present.
Till next time huneys.... XXXOOOXXX
Ze Prophet.
______________________________________________________________________
----------------------
E V I L A N G E L S
----------------------
You too can help rid the world of nerds. By purchasing any of
the following quality official Evil Angels Products.
"I hate the Masked Avenger" Badges $ 2-50
"Hug your computer today" car signs $ 4-00
Evil Angels Windcheaters... $25-00
All sizes, all colours, design is Front: "Evil Angels:
Ridding the
world of nerds!"
Back: "I hate Taxi Cab!"
Printed versions of Anarchistic Tendencies Part 1 - 6 $12-00
Remember... donations to Evil Angels are NOT tax deductible,
but will help rid the world of nerds!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Anarchistic Tendencies VI
(C) November 1988
YOU HAVE NO GODDAMNMUTHAFUKING RIGHTS!
**************************************
* NO PART OF THIS FILE MAY BE *
* PUBLISHED IN MASS MEDIA WITHOUT *
* THE AUTHORS' WRITTEN PERMISSION *
* AND HALF OF THE AUTHORS DON'T *
* KNOW HOW TO WRITE. THE OTHER HALF *
* ARE USUALLY DRUNK! *
* *
* - That's a god-dammed warning *
* *
**************************************
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
YOURMOTHERSUCKSCOCKSINHELL
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Disclaimer: The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure
that this file contains no offensive material. However, should you find
anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't sue us!
This file is written with the intent of producing a humorous
file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offence is intended towards
any person or persons however much they are mentioned.
Donations can be sent:
C/o Craig Bowen,
P.O. Box 125,
Balwyn, 3103.