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THE WORLD'S BEST SELLERS - June, 2070 AD.
10. Sexual Satisfaction From Pollinating Flowers - D. Destroyer
9. If you can't whip them, beat them. - F. Fred
(A collect of poems dedicated to the Dairy Industry.)
8. 101 Phreaky Things to do Alone in Bed - T. Cab
7. The Kama Syn - Synful Publishing Corp. - Ms SYN ...
6. How to be the Complete Bastard. Vol III - M. Avenger
5. How to make three inches look like NINE. - R. Blaster
4. Macros Made Easy - F. Prefect
3. Alcoholic's Guide to the Universe. - F. Fred
2. Sex At 47,000 feet - J. Alderman
_____/| ____
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| |__/| |_| |____|
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/ / \ \ | |___ _____/ | ______ / \
/_ / \ | | __ \ / __ | / ___ | | / _____
| |___| | | / \ \ | / \ | | | \ | | | / _ \
| ___ | | | | | | | | | | | | / | | \_ \\_|
| / | | | | | | | | _| | | \__/ | | | \ \
| | | | |_| |/ \ \_/ | | ___/ | | __ | |
/__| | | \___/| | \ |____ | | __ \ \/ /
\___\ | | \_____/ \ \/ / \___/
/|________/ | \__/
/ __________/
\_|
P R O U D L Y P R E S E N T . . .
2 0 1 5 ' s N u m b e r ONE B e s t S e l l e r . . .
T h e S t a r - S t u d d e d , S t u d - S t a r r i n g . . .
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| and stories about other perverts. |
| |
| Written by Ford Prefect, Fearless Fred, and introducing |
| Avalon. |
+-+ +-+
| +---------------------------------------------------------+ |
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/////////////////// W A R N I N G ! ///////////////////////
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
_
# # # ###### # # ####### / \
# # # # # # # # /___\
# # # # # # # # // \\
###### ##### ## # # # / )0 0( \
# # # # # # # # / | A | \
# # # # # # # # \ \"""/ /
# # # # ###### ###### # # \ |"""| /
\ --- /
DANGER! This piece of literature has been found \ /
to contain toxic amounts of absolute \_/
bullshit.
+----+----+----+
AVOID SKIN CONTACT. | | | |
AVOID BREATHING FUMES. | 3 | W | E |
KEEP AWAY FROM FOODSTUFFS. | | | |
KEEP CONTAINED IN A LEAD-LINED HARD-DRIVE. +----+----+----+
+---------------------------------+------+ In case of
| |# | spillage, quote
| ANARCHISTIC TENDENCIES 12 | 0469 | number.
| | | <-------
+---------------------------------+------+
IN CASE OF ACCIDENT, PHONE THESE EMERGENCY SERVICES:
The Twilight Zone. 562-0686 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING QBBS
The Burning Crucifix. 562-0938 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING
P.I. RETURNS
Don't call Zen BBS. 899-6180 Most Speeds Not Running TBBS
on 4 lines anymore.
Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
Further Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
_______---------------_________________---------------_______
|2 | 3|
| The Memoirs of Dianne | INTRODUCTION |
| Nichols. | I am writing this book for |
| | two reasons. The first is to |
| CONTENTS page# | quash those vicious rumours |
| | that are going 'round the |
| Introduction...............3 | boards. |
| My History and | Just because I'm now 102 |
| Hysterectomy............8 | DOESN'T mean I'm past it! |
| Men.......................20 | Let me tell you that the |
| Women.....................53 | only difference between the |
| Fruit.....................72 | new pro's and me is the |
| Animals...................85 | difference between vaseline |
| Vegetables...............107 | and poly-filla. I'M AS RANDY |
| Minerals.................129 | AS EVER! |
| Other things to try......135 | Secondly, having done it |
| Other things not to try..152 | with everything from A to Z |
| Getting kinky............170 | I now want to share my |
| | experience with others. For |
| (Cont on back page) | example, the new pervert may |
|_______---------------________|________---------------_______|
____________________________________________________________
/ | \
| | |
| O | Rough Draft - My Memoirs. about page 10. |
| | ----------- ----------- |
| O | well. Also, I've traced my incestory back to the |
| | ^ANCESTRY |
| | United States. It was here that my family name, |
| | |
| | Nicholls, first appeared, as this was what people paid |
| | |
| | for a bit of nookie. |
| | |
| | My ancestors stayed in the USA until 1801, when they |
| | |
| | migrated to England. It was here, in a foggy Whitechapel|
| | |
| | street on the night of August 31st, 1888, that my poor |
| | |
| | great-great grandmother, Polly Nicholls (another pro. |
| | |
| | in my heritage) was murdered by Jack the Ripper. At |
| | |
| | least she died on the job, I always think it's the way |
| | |
| | she woold have wanted it |
| | ^WOULD |
| | Anyway, after her death, my shocked family left |
| | |
| | England to find greener pastures and softer beds in |
| | |
| | Australia, and even dropped one of the "l"s from their |
| | |
| | surnames. |
| | |
| | I, myself, was born on June 12, 1969, in my mother's |
| O | |
| | brothel. I was a real brothel sprout, and I suppose it |
| O | |
| | explains why it was inevitable that I "lost it" at age |
\___|_________________________________________________________|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
Final draft - THE MEMOIRS OF DIANNE NICHOLS.
CHAPTER XXIII - DISAPPOINTMENTS.
Part I - Vagabond.
I think when Ze Prophet predicted that Vagabond was my perfect match,
it was the most absolutely incorrect thing he ever foretold. More of
a contradiction than a prediction.
I soon found out that the only thing Vagabond and I had in common
was that we were both like punctured tyres- Vagabond was never hard,
but I always wanted to be pumped, so our relationship was doomed
from the start.
I can still remember our first night together. We went to the Hairy
Clam, the official Evil Angels seafood restaurant [editorial
footnote- This restaurant is already open at 264C Swanston Street,
just above our cinema] which is managed by Fearless Fred in his spare
time.
--------------------------------------
EDITORIAL NOTE: It appears Dianne Nichols will remember little of
what went on in the restaurant, for her memoirs do not elaborate on
the evening. However, we have managed to get hold of the video tape
from the restaurant's security camera, so here is a description of
the events... [Tape Date: 24-01-54 19:32:21]
--------------------------------------
"Hello", said Fred as Vagabond and Dianne entered the foyer, "can I
help you?"
"We'd like a table for two", said Vagabond.
"Certainly, sir", said Fred, showing them into the main part of the
restaurant.
Fred seemed to be having difficulty keeping his hands off Dianne, so
he kept them occupied by fishing a notepad and pencil from his
pocket.
"Would you like to order now?", he asked Dianne, keeping his back to
Vagabond.
"I wouldn't mind tasting your salted mussel", said Dianne, looking
pointedly at Fred's groin.
"It would go quite well with a bit of a groper", hinted back Fred.
"Ahh, excuse me", said Vagabond loudly, tapping Fred on the back,
"I'd like to have crabs."
"Shuddup!", spat Fred as he span around and shoved a bread roll in
Vagabond's mouth, "I'm serving the lady!"
He turned back to Dianne, and said "If you want to try something
really novel, I could bring my eel out and flop it on the table."
Dianne could not help giggling, and Fred knew he was 90% of the way
to getting her away from Vagabond.
"I've changed my mind", announced Vagabond, "could you change that
order? I want a floured plaice instead."
Fred jumped around again and held a clenched fist under Vagabond's
nose. "It'll be a ploughed face you'll get in a minute! Now stop
interrupting!" Fred gesticulated in a way that would have made Basil
Fawlty leap away.
[Editorial note- if you own the restaurant, it's okay to behave like
Fred is now, but don't expect a tip. - FP]
"I think I'll..."
"What's there to drink?", asked Dianne.
"I'll just get the wine waiter", said Fred, "FORD!!! Fucking get over
here!"
Ford Prefect came from across the room and ogled at Dianne as Fred
headed towards the kitchen with the order. Originally, Fred, with his
vast knowledge of alcoholic amalgamation, was to be the wine waiter,
but then everyone else involved with the restaurant realised that
introducing Fred to the entire supply of alcohol in a restaurant
would be less sensible than introducing neutrons to uranium-235.
"Hello Dianne", said Ford, "can I interest you in an Orgasm?"
"Ford!", yelled Fred from across the restaurant, "she's mine! Just
serve her! Wines, NOT COCKTALES!"
Ford looked puzzled, "If she's all yours, why do you want me to...?"
He trailed off, then asked, "Did you say serve her, or service her?"
"I said SERVE her."
"Oh, right." Ford turned back to Dianne, and handed her a drinks
list.
"I recommend the cheap stuff. I think you'll like the Vino Plonko,
the Evil Angels special home brew. Avalon made it with his own two
feet!" [Which "two feet" we mean is open for speculation! - FP]
[The rest of the evening in the restaurant passed uneventfully,
except for two unfortunate (?) instances; one when Fred was setting
the table and Dianne asked for a fork, and one when Ford brought out
the wine and Dianne asked to taste his cork.]
--------------------------------------
The real let-down came when Vagabond took me home, and the time came
when he took his pants off. I almost burst out laughing when I saw
it! No jokes, his organ must have been the size of a half-sucked
tictac.
"Who do you expect to sexually satisfy with THAT?", I asked.
"Me, meeee!", he whined.
Well, he'd paid for me in advance, so there wasn't much I could do
except go ahead with it. I soon found out that he had worse rhythm
than a broken metronome. Believe me, his fucking was completely
knackered. Also, his knackers were completely fucked. I think I've
seen bigger balls on the heads on pins.
Part II - Disk Destroyer.
This guy made Vagabond look macho!
You know, I often think of penises as salada biscuits; Fred's is
man-sized, Masky's is snack-size, and poor little DD's is bite-size.
Did I say penis? Disk Destroyer's was more... more a "punyis".
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------+
Chapter 50 - The Karma Nichols
+------------------------------+
FROM THE MEMOIRS:
"The day after I had sexually gone through the alphabet for
the third time, I asked my keeper, Fearless Fred, if he could
find some knew ways to do it. For a long time, Fred racked his
brains. Then he jabbed them with red hot pokers, boiled them in
oil, and even put them in thumb screws, perhaps to get the
synapses closer than three centimetres.
Then he came up with the answer- he asked his friends and
made a lot of diagrams and notes. Here are a few of my
favourites..." - DN
POSITION # 29,224
The Vertical Position.
#####
#### o DIAGRAM: This position is most
### > suitable for two people.
### O
## / TIP: Best done by gymnasts.
_| |_
/ \ NOTE: This position is best in
| | | | Zero Gravity.
| | | |
| | '----,
/\ | \------' /\
/ \ | | / \
\/\ \ | | / /\/
\ \\ / / /
\ \\ /\_/ /
\ #| |### /
| | |# |
| | | |
/ | |_ \
| (___) |
| o o |
/ __ __ \
| / | | \ |
| | / o \ | |
| | | > | | | TECHNIQUE TESTING:
| | #o o# | | Dianne Nichols (lower pos.)
| | ######| | Sprite (upper pos.)
| | ##### | |
_| | ## | |_
/___/ # \___\
POSITION # 40,251
The Clock Position. +-----+
___________ |12:15| DIAGRAM: Note circular bed.
_/ ##### \_ +-----+ Available from Captain Sleeze
_/ #o o# \_ Bedding, cnr of Elizabeth and
_/ | < | \_ Collins. See Fizban, Tues or
| \ o / | Thu.
| ___| |___ |
| / \ | EXPLANATION: The male is the
| | | . . | | | hour hand, and acts as a
| | | __ | | __ "pivot" for the female or
'_____| |_/ \| |____/ \ #### minute hand, who of course
( | \_/ \_/ _######## rotates in a clockwise
`-'------\___ _ _ _ ####### direction. Really
,-,------/ |--###### adventurous groups in
(_|_______ ______ \ # which the female doesn't
| \__/| \ \--\ mind anal sex form a
| | | | | \____/ threesome and include a
\_ __| | | |__ _/ second hand.
\_ (____| |____) _/
\_ _/ NOTES: A lot of lubricants are
\_________/ essential, else the guys will twist
something (possibly off).
TECHNIQUE TESTING: Simple Sparks (hour hand)
Dianne Nichols (minutes hand)
Thelonius Monk (second hand)
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+---------------+
The Final Chapter
+---------------+
(What Dianne could never write in her memoirs.)
Dianne Nichols died on the 6th September 2074 aged 106.
She died, it is believed, of an overdose of aphrodisiacs.
In accordance with Dianne's Last Will and Testicle, she was buried on
the cemetery planet Kitalpha IV (local name Mortuas).
THE GREAT BBS CENTER ON THE PLANET MORTUAS.
+-------------------------------+
| # ## ::::::::::: |Shuttle
|# :::::::::::::::::: # # # |Pad 9.
| : # # # : # #| |
|# : # # # ## 1: # a +--:::-+
+--------+ : # # #: : # : |
|# # # # : # ## # : # : # ##: +------+
|# ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: bXXX|
|# : #: # : # : # # # #:::::::XXX|
| : : # : : # # # :::::
| : # : # : # : # # # # # # # : |
|# : : # : # # # : #2 # : |
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+-:+ ::::::::::::::::::::::: : # # # |
| # ## # # # : # |
| # ## ## # # : # # # |
+----------------------------:----------------------+
::::::: pathway # tomb stone.
a: SysOp's Knoll.
b: Caretaker's Hut # 1-8-1-4-69
1: The grave of Dianne Nichols.
2: The grave of Cefiar. (Originally John Doe #216)
Cefiar's body was found lying in Stevenson Lane, off
Lonsdale Street.
Copy of Official Police Report:
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|MELBOURNE POLICE FORCE; REPORT FROM INVESTIGATING OFFICER. |
| |
|I +------------------+-----+-----+------+-----------------+ |
|N |Incident | Mo. | Day | Year | Time of Death | |
|C | MURDER | 8 | 15 | 2061 | APPROX 3:15 am | |
|I +-----------------++-----+-----+------++----------------+ |
|D |Discovered by | Time of discovery | Apparent cause | |
|E | | | of death | |
|N |Miss Ech!?, | 5:25 am | SUFFOCATION | |
|T |local hooker. | | | |
| +-----------------+--------------------+----------------+ |
| |Circumstances leading to death: | |
| | The body was found lying in a large, wet paper bag, | |
| |and the victim was apparently unable to break free | |
| |before his air ran out. | |
| | | |
| | | |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| |Suspects: | |
| | No strong suspects or leads, anyone in the BBS world | |
| |could have done it. Which just goes to prove what we | |
| |knew all along: Everyone who gets involved with BBSes | |
| |is a bit suspect. | |
| | | |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| Other circumstances: |
| |
| a. Body was found in Stevenson Lane. Forensics indicate |
| body had not been dumped here; incident took place where|
| body was found. |
| |
| b. Evidence of a struggle, rules out suicide. |
| |
| c. Death foreseeable for this man, rules out a practical |
| joke gone wrong. |
| |
| d. Strangely, the body carried no ID. |
| |
| e. Effects of victim: |
| - Little black book (empty) |
| - Black imitation leather wallet. |
| - Dog shit in wallet. (The missing ID?) |
| - $27.58c in wallet. |
| - Unused Prophylatic, USE BY DATE 24/6/1989 |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|Investigating Officer INSPECTOR OVTITS, Melbourne Police |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
The body was then removed to the city morgue, where it was
registered as John Doe #216. When the body was to be given a
standard "unclaimed body disposal" (ie corpse in a cardboard
box, put in the hold of a Boeing 747 until the aeroplane
self-cremates, ashes sold to Poms as novelty cricket mementoes)
it was discovered the body would not fit in even the largest
grocery box available. A quick thinking necrophiliac mortuary
attendant gave the body an enema, and then the body could fit in
a matchbox. This aroused suspicion, and some checks were done,
and the body was positively identified as Cefiar.
3: Tombstone marking the resting place of The Bogan. The Bogan
died in the Earth year 2077 AD, due to sexual exhaustion.
Because The Bogan spent much of her time on Shuttle Refuel
Beacon #223, her dates of birth and death are, on her grave
stone, written in the Beacon's own time-measuring system.
In this system, The Bogan lived from 59 to 509 Beacon
tera-rotations. Unfortunately, the mason who etched her epitaph
decided to record the dates in Roman numerals, so the
inscription now reads:
_____________
/ -o- \
| |
| THE |
| BOGAN |
| |
| LIX |
| DIX |
| |
|_____________|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| SO. You want to have sex with Dianne Nichols? |
| To be eligible, honestly take the following quiz and check |
| your score at the end. |
| |
| QUESTIONS: |
| |
| (1) "Doggy style" is... |
| |
| (a) ....errrr, um, what was the question again? |
| (b) My bone in your mouth. |
| (c) Great when you both want to watch TV as well. |
| |
| (2) What is the best form of contraception you use? |
| |
| (a) Bailing out at the last moment. |
| (b) Condoms. |
| (c) Piece of gladwrap. |
| |
| (3) Is your penis the consistency of |
| |
| (a) Titanium? |
| (b) Lead? |
| (c) Mercury? |
| |
| (4) Do you like Bondage? |
| |
| (a) No. |
| (b) Yes. "The Spy Who Loved Me" was my favourite. |
| (c) If you bring the nylon rope, I'll bring the cat o' |
| nine tails. |
| |
| (5) Are you good in the 69 position? |
| |
| (a) Did my face look like a glazed doughnut this |
| morning? |
| (b) Is that something to do with Tattslotto? |
| (c) I'm too embarrassed to find out. |
| |
| (6) Do you compare your sexual prowess to being equal to |
| or less than that of... |
| |
| (a) Taxi Cab? |
| (b) Disk Destroyer? |
| (c) None of the above? |
| |
| (7) Have you ever been on the floor all night with a member |
| of the opposite sex? |
| |
| (a) Yes, but that WAS during the finals of the Melbourne|
| ballroom dancing championships. |
| (b) No, but I have played with my own member for about |
| that long. |
| (c) Yes, and aren't those carpet burns terrible? |
| |
| |
| SCORING (in one sense of the word) |
| |
| [1;a:0,b:1,c:3][2;a:1,b:3,c:0][3;a:3,b:2,c:1][4;a:0,b:0,c:3]|
| [5;a:3,b:0:c:-5][6;a:-5000,b:-2500,c:3][7;a:0,b:1,c:3] |
| |
| if you scored: |
| |
| LESS THAN 0: |
| "You have the sexual proficiency of a used |
| IUD. I suggest suicide" - DN |
| |
| BETWEEN 0 AND 17: |
| "You're too far below my standard. Try a |
| few weeks of Training Videos and maybe you'll do for an |
| ordinary deviant" - DN |
| |
| GREATER THAN 17: |
| "Call 562-0686 NOW!" - DN |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
===================
R E M E M B E R !
===================
----- /\
/|\ ||
| / \
| /_ _\
| |o o|
10 inches! | /\ |
| | ^^ |
| _|(==)|_ __
| / | | \ ||||
| / /| |\ \ / / __
| / / | | \ \/ / / \
| | | | | \__/ |
\|/ \ \| | |
----- \(======) \__/ C A P T A I N
/ /\ \ __ -------------
/ / \ \ / \ C O N D O M
/ / \ \ |
( | | ) |
| | | | \__/
__| | | |__
{_____} {_____}
About to have sex with a whore/slut/bitch ?
Then call Captain Condom (CC), he's always
ready and willing to save you from the
Vicious Dark (VD), his number one enemy!
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
__ __ ___ __ __ __ / ___
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
|__| | | |_ | |__/ |__| | | |__| |__
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
| | |__| __| | | | | | |___ | | | ___|
__ ___ _____
|\ /| | | | |
| \/ | | | |__ |
| | | | | |
| | |__| __| |
__ __ __ __ __ _____ ___ __
| \ | | \ | | | | \ | | | \
|__/ |__ |__/ | | |__ |__/ | |__ | |
| | | \ \ / | | \ | | | |
| |__ | | \/ |__ | | | |__ |__/
by Ford Prefect.
------------------
In recent months, the sexually related crime rate in the BBS
community has jumped by 900%. It has been calculated that a lewd offer
is made to a female user every 7.3 minutes, and she's really getting
tired of it! (Aren't you Julie?)
THIS EDITION'S EPISODE:
WHO HAS BEEN PUTTING HOLES IN THELONIUS MONK'S CONDOMS?
=======================================================
The name's Ovtits, Inspector Ovtits to my clientele. As the
sharper of you may have gathered from the sign on the door, I'm a
private detective. Peeping through keyholes and bedroom windows a
speciality. One of my more fascinating case began one morning while I
had my feet propped up on the desk and I was contemplating a cigarette.
The door opened, and a very agitated Thelonius Monk walked in.
"Please", he begged, "you've got to help me."
I eyed him cooly. "And what might you problem be, the main one anyway?"
"Well", he said, sitting down, "it's like this, I've been having sex
with these girls, and after the last one, I realised the condom was
leaking! At first I thought maybe the baby oil had rotted the rubber
or the friction had torn it, but then I checked the others I had, and
they where all the same. I haven't had it off with those girls for a
week now, and I'm getting desperate!"
"So", I said, checking that I had understood him correctly, "those
condoms had holes in them, so now there's no condoms in those holes?"
"Right, that's exactly it. Can you help me find out who sabotaged them?"
"I can solve any crime I'm paid for", I assured him, "let's start with
revenge as a motive." I swung around on the swivelling chair and went
over to the filing cabinet. I shuffled the manilla folders around, and
pulled out the one I was looking for.
"This is your file", I informed Mr Monk.
"I thank heaventh", Monk lisped, "you've found it! And my poor nailth
are in a terrible meth." He flexed his fingers.
"Are you queer?", I confronted him.
"Well", he said, returning his voice to normal, "there's a little gay
in every guy. What's written about me in there?"
I opened the file, it was a very short one. (Like Masky's penis) "Not
much. A brief personal history, photofit picture, hmm, a police
record... involving a certain incidence last year."
"That's not fair!", protested Monk, "in the Middle Ages before they had
latex, the intestines of sheep were always used as condoms."
"I believe that was after the sheep had actually died", I said
delicately, "and then been gutted. Could the proprietors of... `the
Daisy Hills Sheep Farm' be wanting to get back at you?"
"No, they got all the fines they wanted after the trial."
"`Bestiality'", Monk said bitterly, "god did that look good on my
dossier. Still, we're living in the '80s, all sorts of weird things are
happening. Hairstyles look like hedgehogs, girls are pumping iron, guys
are pumping plastic. What is the world coming to?"
"Mr Monk", I said, leaning forward over my desk, "May I ask, where did
you buy the leaky condoms?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Where did you buy the leaky condoms?"
"I got them from the dispensing machine in the Elizabeth Street
toilets. I often hang 'round there."
After my new client, Mr Thelonius Monk, had left, I went straight to
the GPO and descended the stairs into the male lavatories. It was here
I questioned the attendant, a Mr Brett McMoron, who apparently was
always pottering around in the loos somewhere. I found him reading the
Trading Post...
"Yes, I know him, the