💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › AT › at10.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 10:09:17.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
{Knock knock.}
Fearless Fred sighed, turned down the striptease music on his
stereo, put down his omnipresent can of Fosters, logged someone off
his bulletin board, walked over to open the front door slapping
Dianne Nichols in the face on the way.
"Oh, ####### #####", said Fred, not hiding his surprise, "It's
you. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on. Nice trenchcoat
you're wearing."
A sly expression sidled it's way onto ####### #####'s face.
"Say, do you... do you want to see what's under it?"
"Err, yeah, I suppose... ", began Fearless Fred hesitantly.
####### (What the hell, let's just call him Captain Chaos, since
that's who it is...) Captain Chaos didn't wait a second before
whipping the trenchcoat open and thrusting his pelvis forward
slightly.
Fred went bug-eyed. "My god, look how stiff it is! And it's all
blue!"
"Take a good, close look", commanded Captain Chaos. Fred leaned
forward and ran his eyes over every inch of it before it began to
dawn on him what was going on, and he straightened up.
"Why... ", he said, "you've got... you've got..."
"Yes", said Captain Chaos triumphantly, "I've got a policeman's
uniform on, and yes it's mine. I've joined the force, and I'm now
placing you, Mr Fearless Fred, under arrest to await trial in the
Federal Court of Perversion, Alcoholism, and Smuttiness!"
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-=* THE DEFENSE-CASE OF A DIPSOMANIAC. *=-
Mostly written by
::: FORD PREFECT :::
(Guide researcher gone temporary
court reporter.)
Edited and released by
/
/__ LIGHTNING BOLT
/
/
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------+
W A R N I N G !
+---------------+
This Anarchistic Tendencies file contains some language and
descriptions which may offend some readers. Offending people
is not our intention, so if you think you are one of these
readers stop reading now! [This means Julie Alderman! -Ed]
This file contains no artificial flavors. Artificial colours
(110, 122), Preservative (211). Alcohol content 37.5 alc/vol.
Propellant: CHLOROFLUROCARBON. (Yep, a naughty CFC!)
Nutritional Information.
Each 50g Printout contains:
49.20 g Fiber 200% Average Daily Req.
0.65 g Glue and Other Yucky Stuff 500% " " "
0.10 g Ink 900% " " "
0.05 g Bullshit 100% " " "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+------------------+
Ring these Boards!
+------------------+
Zen (Maybe) 899-6180 All Speeds 5 Lines All Day
The Twilite Zone. 562-0686 300/300 1200/1200 24 hrs a day!
Soon 2400 (Not 12/75)
Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
646-3171
Further Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------------------+
The Defense-Case of a Dipsomaniac
+---------------------------------+
By Ford Prefect
Judge, jury, and PI's executioner Craig Bowen fiddled with his
gavel, feeling rather amused. With Taxi Cab being the prosecutor in
the first case of the day, he ought to get a good laugh. Even now he
(TC) was trying to get someone's (anyone's) attention and start
Fred's trial.
"You, Mr Fearless Fred of the Twilite Zone BBS stand before
this court on the charge of conduct unbecoming of a SysOp", began
Taxi, even though this was what Craig was supposed to state. He
continued; "How do you plead?"
"Not guilty!", exploded Fred as he jumped up dramatically to get
a good look at the courtroom layout, and see if there was any way he
could slip Craig a twenty.
"Oh dear, that's plan A up the spout", muttered Taxi.
"OK then Taxi, present your evidence", said Craig in a bored
tone as he groped under his chair for a crossword.
Taxi Cab brought out a video cassette labeled Article `A'.
"This is a recording of the events that went on at the recent
house-warming party for the Masked Avenger's new house. I present
this as my evidence."
Taxi Dork pushed the cartridge into a nearby VCR player, ejected
it, removed the cover, inserted it, ejected it, turned it over,
inserted it, and pressed the play button.
The TV sitting by the player instantly came to life, showing
Fearless Fred braving a wild storm and making his way up to Masky's
porch...
--------------------------------------------
Fred rapped on the door and waited, shivering. In a moment he
heard the sound of the door being unlocked, and as it opened he was
hit by the sound of loud music, glasses clinking, and a hubbub of the
latest Taxi Cab jokes.
"Glad you could make it, Fred", said Thelonius Monk, who had
answered the door.
"Have you ever known me to miss a party?", joked Fred, "Say,
where's Masky, by the way? Shouldn't HE be greeting his guests?"
"Oh, he's inside... somewhere", said Monk, glancing over his
shoulder, "anyway, come in, it looks terrible out there."
"Ah, that's better", said Fred after he had gone inside and
removed his coat, "there's more wind out there than what comes out of
Masky's ass! Well, almost..."
ECH!? appeared from behind a couch, clutching an empty bottle of
vodka, and muttered in Monk's direction "I thunk I had ar luttle tooo
mush tooo drunk... " and collapsed. As Monk disappeared behind the
couch to offer assistance, Fred stepped into the room and looked
around... Vagabond was alone in the corner drinking his NON-Alcoholic
cider, guarding someone else's bottle of Midori. As Fred was surveying
the room he was staggered into by The Lensman who had been indulging
in one of Masky's home brewed beverages.
"Hiya, Fred!"
"Oh, hi Lenny", said Fred.
"Great party, eh?"
"Yeah. Do you think I could get a drink."
"Sure, what are you having?"
"Ohhhhhhhh, a bottle Southern Comfort for a start."
"You know, you ought to try some of Masky's home-brew whiskey.
Really powerful toddy that stuff! It's what Masky has whenever he
goes on one of his frequent benders, so he calls it Bender Toddy."
"Sounds great, I'll catch you later OK?" Fred walked off
searching for the alcohol.
Fred crossed the room, being greeted by several others, and
finally found the bar. The racks and shelves along the back contained
all manner of bottles, casks, and flagons, giving the impression of
some sort of laboratory or wizard's workshop.
On the bar itself were many different bowls of sweets, which
Fred perused for a moment. He finally decided he might take a couple
of redskins and try the Bender Toddy Lensman told him about.
Then he saw Syn pouting at him from behind the counter. She winked at
him, and with her sexy smile, gazed longingly at him with smoldering
eyes. She moistened her lips and sat down on the edge of the bar.
With feline grace she stretched out towards him, showing the tan on
her beautifully rounded shoulders and revealing her gorgeous pair
of.............shorts.
Fred's erection was almost crippling him, so he sat down heavily
on the nearest bar stool.
"What's your fancy?", Syn asked sweetly.
Fred raised an eyebrow, then realised she was trying to serve
him a drink. He opened his mouth, but Syn had left him stunned and
tongue-tied, and his order of four redskins and some Bender Toddy
didn't quite come out the right way.
"Err, I'll have red foreskins and a taste of your tender body
thanks. No, that's not what I mean, I want.. ah..."
Fred glanced around hurriedly and spotted a tiny bottle of the
specially brewed rum Syn made in her own bath tub.
"I'd love a slurp of your specially rude bum please Syn... No,
Syn!..."
Ten seconds later, Fred was in the men's toilet leaning over a
gurgling sink whilst painfully holding a wet facewasher to his
reddened cheek and tentatively plucking his eyelashes out of his own
eye, mumbling "Rude bum? Oh god no! It's gorgeous!"
One of the strange features of Masky's new house was that it had
two sets of toilets; one for each sex, and had several stalls so
they looked like they had come from a public loo or those found in a
restaurant. Fred suspected that before Masky bought the house, it was
occupied exclusively of women, for the Gent's didn't look like it had
ever been cleaned from the day it was built.
Along the back wall were three cubicles next to a urinal. The
sink and chipped mirror were fixed next to the door.
"Nyuuuuuuuurrrrggghhhneeeeerrrraaaaaggghhh!"
Fred span around and looked with horror and disgust at the
occupied, right-hand cubicle from whence the constipated outcry had
originated.
"Uhhhhhhohhhhhurrrrrggghh!"
Fred winced, appalled, as he heard the crunch of teeth on the
toilet door.
A blessed silence again descended, but Fred still gave the
occupied cubicle a wide berth as he headed for the toilet furthest
away from it.
Once inside the vacant loo, Fred closed and locked the door,
pulled down his pants in the quick motion of someone who has found it
handy to get them off quickly while standing at the side of a
stranger's bed, and settled himself down on the black plastic ring.
The toilet cubicle was a dark, moody place, but there was still
enough light for Fred to survey his surroundings.
Apart from the grimy toilet itself, there was a small shelf on
one of the walls, on which was one of those stupid new toilet paper
dispensers. The type where there isn't enough room for the toilet
roll to turn around properly, so you end up ripping the first five
metres out in tiny shreds.
Also on the shelf, bravely trying to combat odors, was one of
those plastic Magic Mushrooms. Various real ones grew around it for
company. Finally, an old vaseline jar held several marking pens,
their function obvious from the excessive amount of graffiti on the
door and walls. Fred grabbed a black texta, knowing just what to
write on the wall outside.
"An orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand", Lensman had
once penciled. [Especially with Royna! - Ed]
"Photo of Taxi Cab, wipe ass to develop" with an arrow pointing
to the paper dispenser was Monk's effort.
On the door, Ech had liquid-papered her contribution: "For a
refreshing experience, press button whilst seated." (Ech!? What
was SHE doing in there!?)
Suddenly, the toilet door opened and closed, and for a brief
moment the chaos of the party could be heard. Masky leaned against
the door, breathing heavily through his mouth, lurched over to
shakily grasp the sink, and then staggered into the middle loo and
fell to his knees. With the forward and downward momentum, Masky
chundered heavily into the toilet bowl, just getting his technicolour
yawn in by the width of a bee's foreskin, and marked another notch
onto the wall.
"8093", he thought vaguely.
Having completed his liquid laugh, the Masked Avenger rose rather
unsteadily to his feet, as the horrible groaning started again.
"Nyyyyyyuuuuurrrrrghhhhhaauhh!"
Masky banged loudly on the door with his hairy palms and said
loudly "Hey, mate, you having some sort of problem are or you just
weight-lifting? Haha!"
Masky weaved his way over to Fred's loo, and shouted through the
door, "Hey Fred, you're missing a classic party, you know!"
"Yeah, okay", replied Fred, "I'll be out in a minute. It's
coming out very easily!"
Masky was about to reply, when his befuddled brain began to
think about what it had heard.
"Err, hey what?"
"I'm talking about the toilet paper. Usually it jams."
"Oh, right."
There was a pause, a gurgling flush, and Fred opened the door.
On the way out, Fred told Masky about his earlier encounter with Syn.
"You better watch out for her in future then", said Masky, and
continued with a laugh, "just in case your Bloody Mary has a string
in it. You going to join the party or are you an Ollie?"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec, just have to do something first."
Fred proceeded to write on the wall next to condom vending machine
"Insert Baby For Full Refund!", and headed back to the party.
Masky laughed and opened the outer door, and found that in the
last few minutes, the party had rapidly turned into a frenzied orgy.
Not long after Masky had left the room, Thelonius Monk had
started making prank phone calls. Fred grabbed the phone, and
dialed the number of the local McDonalds.
"Good evening, I'd like to book a table for six please."
{pause}
"What do you mean you don't take bookings?"
{pause}
"It says here that you are a `family restaurant'..."
{pause}
"Can I speak to the manager please, you dumb bitch!"
{pause}
"Oh, in that case, can you guarantee I will get a seat?"
{pause}
"Well, you can sit on my face if you want!"
{long pause}
"The bitch hung up!"
Monk took over and called up another McDonalds, one of the few
that have taken it upon themselves to make home deliveries, and
placed an "order" with Fire Fox, who was moonlighting from her other,
similar job at Dial a Dinos.
"I'll have five sleaze-burgers and a large side-order of
Frenchie-fries, thanks", Monk told her.
After the crowd who had gathered around the phone had stopped
laughing, Sprite grabbed the phone and shouted:
"You can give me a big crack and a dick shake any day!"
Eliminator leaned over Sprite's shoulder, and said into the
phone, "Hello? You still there? Hey, something that might interest
you: Did you know that our host is a daughter-pounder? Hehehe."
What they didn't know was that Fire Fox was the local nookie-
bookie, and in five minutes she had arrived around with nine gorgeous
prostitutes.
"Hey wow, what a beautiful block of flaps", exclaimed Fred as he
entered the lounge and saw them.
Fred put on a suave, casual nonchalant look, and snapped his
fingers in the air to get the attention of one of the girls.
Fortunately, one of the girls loved masochists and was quite
taken (in) by Fred, for she was a sadist and she knew they would
enjoy each other's company.
So, as she bandaged Fred's fingers, they went upstairs to
Masky's spare bedroom which they were pleased to find empty.
The extremely willing girl, whose name incidentally was Julie
Alderman, pulled back the sheets of the bed and sat down. She slowly
stripped down to her black silk underwear and a puff-sleeved night
gown. Then she leaned back on the cool pillows, smiled coyly, and
beckoned to Fred with her tongue.
Fred, who had been standing at the bottom of the bed quickly got
undressed, and slipped between the sheets beside her and silently
kissed her neck.
Julie moaned and drew closer to him.
"Oh Fred!", she whispered, "why don't you slip a finger in my
[DELETED]? Here, let me play with your [DELETED]."
Fred obliged, and Julie's breathing quickened as the air around
them began to warm up.
"Oh yes Fred! You're about to see how Juicy I can get! Oh, but
your ring keeps hurting me!"
"That's not my ring", retorted Fred, "that's my fucken'
wristwatch!"
Fred's head disappeared under the sheets.
"My god, it's like the city loop in here! It's like the city
loop in here!"
Julie blushed rather heavily (Oh, an interesting piece of trivia
which seems appropriate to insert here: Did you know that when you
blush with your clothes on, the blush is confined to your face, but
when you're naked you blush with your whole body? Some of our more
adventurous readers may care to confirm or disprove this. Anyway,
back to Jewels...) [I've noticed that women tend to blush right
on the end of their tits when they aren't covered - Ed's helper]
"Well you didn't have to say it twice!"
"I didn't", protested Fred, re-appearing for a moment.
"Hey, are these really miniature stalactites?"
"Yes", said Julie, "they're good conversation pieces. Anyway,
enough foreplay, I want your body!"
Fred took one of Julie's feet in his hands, lightly tickling the
sole with one finger. After a single suck on each toe, [Hang on,
Masky's the toe sucker around here! - Ed] he rested a hand
on each ankle and slowly slid them up her smooth, glistening
body until he felt, under his cupped hands, her firm, trembling
spheroids.
Fred grabbed them and quickly began kneading and squeezing
them before reaching under the bed, producing an aerosol can,
and squirting exquisitely shaped blobs of whipped cream over them.
Fred mauled her as he spread the cream around with his tongue
and licked it off.
Having finished with her kneecaps, Fred put on a few condoms
(he still likes to play it safe) and Julie slowly slid...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The rest of this sequence has been excised on the grounds of
good taste and privacy. We will say nothing more than that the
passage removed contained a lot of heavy breathing, left Masky with
a massive cleaning bill, and took between three and three-and-a-half
hours.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There you are", said Taxi, "Craig, make your verdict."
"I protest!" exclaimed Fred.
"One what grounds?" queried Craig surprised at Fred's outburst.
"We haven't seen the good bits yet... Julie does wonderful things
with a Bamix, and the bits where she..."
"Enough!" Craig cut in, "I shall now give my verdict. Fearless Fred
I find you Not Guilty! This evidence depicts perfectly normal
behavior for a SysOp! However, I find you, Mr Gordon T. Cab,
guilty of being a total dork!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------+
Biodata Extract
+---------------+
NAME: [WITHHELD]
PRIMARY ALIAS: Fearless Fred.
SECONDARY ALIAS(ES): Lightning Bolt.
OCCUPATION: Microcomputer Consultant.
LEADERSHIP ACHIEVEMENTS FOLLOW:
President and Founder of B.A.L.L.S. (Bottled Alcoholic Liquids
Liberation Society.)
Enforcement Officer of P.A.N.I.D.O.L. (Protection Against Nerds
In Disguise Or Losers.)
Treasurer of P.A.T.H.Y. (People Against Two Hundred Years)
(Possibly now disbanded) [Yep, gone. -Ed]
Editor of Anarchistic Tendencies. [The one that does these little
comments in square brackets. -Ed]
Patron Member of Y.A.C.R. (Yobbos Against Clean Rooms).
Major supporter and a founding member of the Thelma & Ruby Fan Club.
[It should be mentioned that Night Stalker is THE Founding Member.
It should not be mentioned that SYN is very close to both Thelma
and Ruby. - ED]
Headmaster of the Fearless Fred school of Perversion.
Founding Member and leader of ELDERS.
ACHIEVEMENTS:
SysOps his own BBS - The Twilight Zone (562-0686) despite
occasional hard disk problems and winging users.
Recognised worldwide for perversion.
SOCIAL STANDINGS:
GIRLFRIENDS (PAST): Various.
[HeHeHe -Ed]
GIRLFRIENDS (PRESENT): Recently involved with Juicy Julie.
[No comment on that! -Ed]
FAVORITE DRINK(S): Alcohol.
- Southern Comfort is his favorite.
- Whipped cream and Julie Juices.
HIS SIGNOFFS: (Official Macrology Report)
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
|+-----------------------------------------------------------+
||+-----------------------------------------------------------+
||| |
||| MACROLOGIST'S REPORT Subject: Fearless Fred. |
||| ----------------- |
||| Date: 9/1/89 |
||| By: FP |
||| |
||| MACRO SAMPLE: |
||| +--------------------------------------+ |
||| | | Sample |
||| | | Date: |
||| | /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ | 31/07/87 |
||| | ---> F E A R L E S S F R E D <--- | 02:44:25am |
||| | \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ | |
||| | | |
||| +--------------------------------------+ |
||| |
||| COMMENTS: Clearly the signoff of an egotist. |
||| -The inward-pointing arrows say "Look at what |
||| a king dick I am" |
||| -The surrounding corona of diagonal lines |
||| suggest a shining brilliance over others, or |
||| perhaps the sun shining from his lower |
||| posterial region. |
||| -The horizontal length of the name is inflated,|
||| like his ego. |
||| |
||| MACRO SAMPLE: |
||| +-----------------------------------+ |
||| | See you in... | Sample date: |
||| | _______ ____ | |
||| | | Fearless Fred's / | 19/08/87 |
||| | The | ** 5620686 ** / | 01:13:51am |
||| | | W I L I T E / O N E | |
||| | | /___ | |
||| | | |
||| | | |
||| +-----------------------------------+ |
||| |
||| COMMENTS: Anyone remember this hideous thing Fred came |
||| up with one day? |
||| The one everyone hated and thought looked silly|
||| I remember leaving a note to Fred about it at |
||| the end of a message to him, something along |
||| the lines of "As for your new macro, not bad |
||| but try again, eh?" And then Fred breaks into |
||| chat and demands to know what's wrong with it! |
||| Hehehe (I just BSed about how everyone would |
||| have "culture shock" and he seemed to believe |
||| me.) |
||| |
||| Later Fearless Fred came up with "sensible" |
||| macros |
+|| |
+| [I happened to like it! -Ed] |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
QUOTE WHICH SUMS UP HIS LIFESTYLE:
"What we need is one of those good old piss ups like it
used to be... where those that drank could get pissed
among friends, and throw up everywhere, and feel good
in the morning about it...." - FF (17/05/88 00:29:37am)
[Feel good the next morning? I say THAT? -Ed]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------+
Times to Pass
+-------------+
NOTE: From any point in time, there are a wide range of
POTENTIAL futures. Some events are sometimes inevitable
so they occur in nearly every potential future, while
others are extremely unlikely and only happen in a few.
The potential future events described below were
recorded by using my dimensional inducting scanner and
are deliberately 50-50 futures. Thus these events have
an equal chance of becoming reality or simply not
happening.
We at Evil Angels decided this was the way best to give
you a glimpse of Times to Pass, as knowledge of definite
future events may, in some cases, be psychologically
damaging - FP.
* Monday 29th June, 1992.
Due to the influence of certain users and the secret
discussions of drugs and other controlled substances, and
prostitution (despite Craig's continual pleas for it to stop)
Zen BBS is taken off-line permanently.
* Monday 9th August, 1993.
Raster's aptitude allows him to get a job with the RTA,
crashing cars into brick walls.
* Wednesday 16th Oct, 1996.
Taxi Cab's bowel transplant is troubled by complications. He
dies two days later when the bowel rejects him. Telecom mourns
their loss and offer to pay for the burial.
* Saturday 21st April, 2001.
Fearless Fred tries to sweep Royna off her feet at the
Wheelers Hill Pub, but fails. Something about "Unless your
d___ has annual rings, I don't want to f___ you!"
* Sunday 22nd April, 2001.
Fearless Fred gets into the Guiness Book of World Records by
setting a new beer guzzling record.
Tonight he does succeed in sweeping Royna off her feet, as
well as most of the other bar patrons when he rushes to the
Men's after his incredible drinking binge..... and fails
reaching it by three steps.
* Monday September 9th, 2002.
Captain Chaos, sick of having government-issue artificial
beach sand kicked in his face and being an eight-stone
weakling, finally fulfills his greatest dream and becomes an
18-stone man of steel......... He gets an iron lung.
* Tuesday 3rd May, 2005.
Ivan Trotsky returns home to Kovrov, USSR. Unfortunately,
when he was going through customs, the X-ray machine detected
his American-made underwear, so he was immediately seized and
put to work in the salt mines. (The super-power situation has
not improved much).
Three days later he died of dehydration, and was given a
routine burial in the Mirnyy cemetery. Syn attended the funeral
and threw herself onto the mass grave, crying it was nothing
more than a "communist plot".
* Tuesday 21st March, 2006.
Hyperspace drive technology achieved.
* Monday 10th December, 2007.
As more and more forest areas are given over to logging, the
areas of natural vegetation diminish and the Earth's
atmospheric problems worsen. As a protest to this, Randy Royna
sits with a tree stump for 48 hours, in what was once
Kakadu National Park. Afterwards, her gynecologist
diagnoses her as having genital termites.
* Wednesday 20th July, 2008.
The BBS-users' Holiday Plan goes into action.
This Plan was an idea dreamt up by the BBSs' living God,
Craig Bowen. After everyone agreed that it was a good idea,
he fed the names of regular users into his computer, and it
selected destinations from its atlas database that reminded it
of each user.
The Holiday Plan was booked with Pan Galactic Shuttles inc.,
and for a small cost, everyone participating got a good weeks
rest from strenuous BBSing.
Here is the hardcopy of the flight data Craig got when he
booked the shuttle.
,_______
_/| Flight---------_____________
_/ | NB Baggage must be aboard b-----_________
| O | --------______
|---|-----------------------------------------------------|---|
| O | PAN GALACTIC SHUTTLE (3) flight # 69 | O |
| | | |
| O | DEPARTS: Melbourne Shuttle Pad. | O |
| | DESTINATION(S): Multiple. | |
| O | | O |
| | PASSENGER LIST: DESTINATION DATA: | |
| O | | O |
| | Craig Bowen.............SISOPON (Khmer Rep) | |
| O | [What he does best.] | O |
| | | |
| O | Disk Destroyer..........VIRGIN ISLANDS (West Indies)| O |
| | [He'll fit in well.] | |
| O | | O |
| | SYN ... ................ARS (Denmark) | |
| O | [Her cutest part.] | O |
| | | |
| O | Thelonius Monk..........TONGUE (Scotland) | O |
| | (timeshare with Ech?!) | |
| O | | O |
| | Fearless Fred...........BEERS (Netherlands) | |
| O | | O |
| | Randy Royna.............SHAG ROCKS (Atlantic Ocean) | |
| O | [... or tree-stumps, or | O |
| | bushes, or anything else | |
| O | for that matter...] | O |
| | | |
| O | The Masked Avenger......COCKBURN (South Australia) | O |
| | via LYSS (Switzerland) | |
| O | | O |
|---|-----------------------------------------------------|---|
| O | Ice Man.................WANKIE (Rhodesia) | O |
| | [He is a bit.] | |
| O | | O |
| | Raster Blaster..........MANGALME (Chad) | |
| O | [His Kamikaze Deathwish | O |
| | whenever he screeches | |
| O | towards a fence or truck.] | O |
| | | |
| O | Lensman.................KENNEDY SPACE CENTER. | O |
| | [To show them where they're | |
| O | going wrong with their own | O |
| | rocket fuel.] | |
| O | | O |
| | Juicy Julie.............ANTARCTICA (Aust. terr.) | |
| O | [Frigid woman] | O |
------_______________________-----------------------_ | |
-----|_O_|
* Thursday 19th November, 2009.
The principals of time travel are discovered.
* Friday 17th September, 2010.
Voyager II comes back "Return to Sender".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+-----------+
Sex Symbols
+-----------+
Once, human beings could be divided into two distinct groups,
each of which had its own distinct symbol. These groups were...
__,
/|
___/ ___
/ \ / \
| | and | |
\___/ \___/
| FEMALE
MALE -+-
|
However, we at Evil Angels realise these two symbols are not
enough to cope with the greatly differing people of the BBS
world, so we have come up with a new set of symbols which
succeed in describing people where the two above fail...
__.
___/| ___
/ \ / \ TAXI CAB, DISK DESTROYER
| | | |
\___/ \___/
THE MASKED AVENGER __.
/|
__ ___/
___/ \ FRED AFTER / \
/ \ | A NIGHT AT | | DIANNE NICHOLS
| | | THE PUB \___/
\___/ | |
\|/ -+-
v |
_ _ ___
/.\_/.\ JULIE / \ SYN ...
\_/ \_/ ALDERMAN \ /
| | / \
\___/ \___/
| |
-+- -+-
| |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------------------+
The Dianne Nichols Affair
+-------------------------+
Anyone who regularly visits Fearless Fred's Twilite Zone
would have had considerable difficulty ignoring the resident
nifty nympho, Dianne Nichols.
After hearing so much about her various sexual orgies with
Rory the Elephant, Eric the Desk Lamp, Gordon the Rhino,
Walter the Camel, Mick the Photocopier, Frank the Vacuum
Cleaner, et al, people began to wonder just who she was, so
she finally made her public debut at the Final PI Meet.
Of course, those who didn't turn up didn't realise she was
a blow-up doll ("...it is a fact that Dianne has a rather
plasticy epidermis..." - FF), which led to some confusion...
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dianne Nichols Rec'd
To: Sprite Msg #21, 23-Jan-89 10:20pm
Subject: Apology Accepted.
"... and I am also rather upset with Fred that because he had
a full car that I spent the trip into the city in the boot!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
"She did travel in the boot" - FF
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Julie from The Treasure Chest(s)!!
To: All Msg #24, 24-Jan-89 11:16am
Subject: In the BOOT!!!
"You travelled in the BOOT Dianne,I assume you are joking!!!
Fred NEVER ceases to amaze me?"
[Oh huney, you come up with some amazing things to! -Ed]
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Pumpkin Power Msg #25, 24-Jan-89 02:14pm
To: Julie from The Treasure Chest(s)!!
Subject: Re: In the BOOT!!!
"Actually Dianne deserved to travel in the boot after the way
she behaved in the theatre. But Fred managed to keep her
under control with a slap here and there! Really, don't
worry too much about her, if you had come to the meet you
would know why!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
"... she went into the theatre in my bag and was
blown up in the theatre and emerged in her full glory
at the end of the movie to the usher's ... horror." - FF
Not long after this, Fred (who was leaving messages as Dianne
Nichols on his BBS, made one massive mistake when he replied
the messages as Fearless Fred, but signed off as Dianne!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eg: From: Fearless Fred
To: Ishap Msg #31, 24-Jan-89 06:59pm
Subject: Re: Well Guess what...
Well matey, I may just happen to ask Fred who you are, and
get him to fix you up.
As for my dressing gown, it was actually Fred's. He lent it
to me for the day.
Love,
Di.
---------------------------------------------------------------
This all led to Fred receiving messages like this one...
---------------------------------------------------------------
TO: Fearless Fred
FROM: Sprite
SUBJECT: Re: Arrgrghrghgh
hehehe... I heard about that! A blow up doll... So you
did write those messages... I really think The Australian would
be interested, after their little BBS bash week.
An anonymous caller rang through with the message
that a certain well known figure in the BBS community
known as Fearless Fred, has for the last couple of years
been masquerading as a very promiscuous and highly
suspect female. The SysOp, known in certain circles
to be a confirmed alcoholic, is known to have left at
least 50 messages on a Bulletin Board he runs, offering
sexual advice and tips to other BBS users. At one stage
he claimed to have had sexual intercourse with Mr Gordon
T. Cab, later realising that such a claim was perhaps
stretching his credibility, and admitting that the `Gordy'
in question was in fact a Hippopotamus stolen from the
Melbourne Zoo. Having buggered the animal, Mr Fred then
seduced several male members of his board.
When we rang to confirm the story, Mr Fred said
"Piss off, I have a headache! Bruce... (click)" and put the
telephone down. Police are looking into the matter.'
seeya
Sprite
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------------------+
Entertainment Guide
+-------------------+
N O W O P E N !
- The Evil Angels Cinema Complex. -
- Three auditoriums. -
(At 264B Swanston St, City)
| ___
Prices: Children................ /---\ / \
Adults.................. | | | _ _
Pensioners.............. \---\ ----| / \ / \
Students................ | | | | | | |
\---/ \___/ o \_/ \_/
Nerds and Losers need |
not even try to get in.
N O W S H O W I N G . . .
+-------------------------------------------------------+
1st March - 11th April [CINEMA 1]
If you vomited at "Watership Down"...
If you change channels when a Bugs Bunny cartoon comes on...
Then you'll love...
___
######
:##:::##
:## :## W h o M a i m e d :#####
:## :## :##:###
:## ## :### :### :## :## :## :## :###
:##### :### :# :# :#:# :### ## :# # :##:# :###
:##### :#:# :# :## :#__:# # :##### :## # :## :# :##:# :##:###
::##:##:# :#:# :# :###:## :## :## :#### :#### :## # :## :#
::##:## :# # :# :# :# :# # :## :##:## :#:##::# :#### :## :#
::## :##:### :### :### :# :#:## :#:## :# :## :#
::## :## :## :#### :## :#
::## :## :#
DOUCHEFOAM PICTURES and STEVEN SPIELNERD present <G>
__
FILMED WITH THREE-D STEREOSCOPIC / /
------- | \
CINEMATOGRAPHY! / \_
_/ \
/ \_
/ \
| \
/ \_
__/ \_
/ \_
/ \_
_/
/ _______ _____
__/ _/ \_ __/ __\_
__/ _/ \________/ __/ |
/___ __| / |
\_/ | __-__ __--__ | /
\ \___o\ / \_o__// |
_ | | |
/ \ \ / _ / /
| | | | |
| | \_ _ - -- -_ / /
| | \_________ _/_____/
/ \ / / | | | \ / | | | \
____| |________________| | | | | |_____| | | | |_
/-----/ # \ # \_/ | | | | _| | | | | \
\-----\______________/____________| | | | |___/ \ | | | |_/
/ # \ \_|_|_|_/ | | | | | /
|\ / ## ## \ /| | | \_______/
| \_ | ### ### | _/ | | |
| \_/## #### \ _/ |
| # ## ##### # \__/ |
\ ## # ######## ## / ___
\_ ########### ### / / \ ___
\_ ###/ \### ## # _/ | | / \
# \__#/ \#### _/ ## | | | |
_____| \#######_/ | \ | |
_/ __/ \####/_ \ \ \ | |
/ _/_/ /\ # / \| _-----__| \/ |
/ |/ | | ___ / \ / |
| / | | / \_| | _\----_ |
/ / | \ | \_ o \__---- . . \ /
| / / | \ \ _/\_________ . \ |
| | | | \_ o |_/ _/ / / \_ | /
| / | \ # \ _/ / _/ _/ \ | ______/
| | # _|____/ # \_/ / / / / | / \
|/ # / # | . . \_ /| _/ /\______/
|| | . . \___/ |/\_/ | \
|| | _____ / | |
\| \_ __/ ------_________/ \ |
| |\_ __/_ |___| | |
| | \__ | \_ __ __ / / | \
| | \__ \_/ \/ \ / / | |
| | \__ \ \ \__| | | |
| / ___ \ \ _/ _/ ____ | |
\ | / \__ \_\ |_/ / O \ | |
| / | O \_ | \___/ | / | ___| |
\___/ --| \_| | / O |___-- |
\ | \_-----_-/ / |
_/ \ O O \ O \ / _______/
/ \ | | O \ ____--
_/ / O| O | O |
/ /| |______/ |
_/ _/ | O / \___ O |
/ / | __/\ | \____/
| _ / \____/ | | |
| \/ | | \ | \
| | | \ | | |
| \ | | \ | \
\ | | \ | \ |
| \ | | \ | \
\ | |__ | ___\ | __ |
| \ / \ \ | \| | / \\
\ | | \ |\__/| \\ | |
| \ \ | \___/ | \_/ /
\ \ | |_/ \_ \___/
\_ \___/ --/ \ |
\ / / \___ |
\_ | | ---_|_
\_| | \
\_\ |
_/ \-___ \ |--_____/
_/ \ \_/ /
/ /\_ \ /
| / \_ | |____
| | /\___/ ----__
| \___/ \
| |
/ ___ \
| ---\ |
| \ \
| | __|_
| | ___--- \
/ | _- ------,
_/ | __- _______ |
/ ___________ | _- ___---- -_
/ ___--- --_|_- __-- \
/ _- ____------__ \__- \
|- _/---- \_|FP'89 \
| _/ __ \ \_
/ /__----__ \ \ \_---_ ___ _ \
|_/ \ | | | \_ \__ \ \
\____/\__/\ | \_ \ \ |
\__/ --__ | |--'
--____|\---'
+-------------------------------------------------------+
1st March - 28th March [CINEMA 2]
|\ /| ____ |
| | | | / \-|- | |
| \ / | | | _ _ _ -|- | _
| | | |\ / \___ | / \ |/ \ |___ / \ | |_ / \ |/\
| | | | | | \ | |_/ | | | | | | | | | \ |_/ |
| \ / | \ / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| \/ | \/ \___/ \_ \_/ |\_/ | | | \_/ \_ | | \_/ |
/ |
__/ |
\|/
| /\ | | -*-
| | | | | /|\
| __ / \ | __ __ |__ __| _
| / \ |____| | / \ / \ | \ | / | |/ \
| \__ | | | |__/ \__ | | | | | | |
| \ / \ | | \ | | | | | | |
| \__/ | | |____ \__/ \__/ \__/ | \__| | |
a comedy starring Dan Spakroyd <M>
+-------------------------------------------------------+
1st March - 11th April [CINEMA 3]
##
# ###
# # ###### ### ### ## ##
## ## # # ## # # # # # ### #
### ### # # ### # ##### #### #### # # ## # #
## # ## ## # # ## # ### # # # # ## # #
## ## #### # # #### # # ### # ### ### ## # #
## ## ### # # # ######
#### # ### ### #
#### # O N E L M S T R E E T
###
####
## ##
## ##
## ##
##########
##
## <M>
+-------------------------------------------------------+
C O M I N G A T T R A C T I O N S :
SPITOON - THE RETURN <PG> ***
[Latest modern-day Western]
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER in ON HEAT <R> ****
[Touching story of a dog catcher who discovers he really
loves dogs.] (It only gets the 4 stars 'cos he'd punch our
lights out if we gave him anything less.)
COCK-TALE <M> ****
[The story of the life of a typical BBS user.]
EVIL ANGELS <X> *****
[The complete, unabridged story of the Anarchistic
Tendencies phenomenon.]
EDDIE MURPHY in COMING IN AMERICA <X> ***
[Documentary on "Where to get it" in America.]
BRUCE WILLIES in GET HARD <PG> *
["40 millimeters of sheer pleasure" runs the advertising,
though we're not sure whether this is referring to the
length of BW's organ, or the good part of this trashy
film.]
THREE MASKY'S AND A BABY <R> **
[Pedophile Productions (1988)]
WORLD PISS-UP III - ESCAPE starring ALKY MANGELS <M> *****
[Alky does it again! All recorded by a lurching, half-stoned
camera-man, Alky travels the world in search of the perfect
bar whilst seeing if ancient old pickup lines such as
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before" still work on the
girls of isolated tribes and villages.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------+
This Edition's Awards
+---------------------+
Sleazy (Almost Ex) SysOp of the Month.... Craig Bowen
Bastard of the Month..................... The Masked Avenger
Drunken SysOp of the Month............... Fearless Fred
Boring Fart of the Month................. Vagabond
Hoon of the Month........................ Fearless Fred
(Minus $135)
Alleged Fraudulent Capitalist............ Ivan Trotsky
We're going on a holiday award........... Brett MacMillan
(I hear stripped suntans are in!) The Mentat
Don't forget to write guys! Blue Thunder
Conan
Whizz Fizz Junkie Award.................. Disk Destroyer
ED's Valentine Award..................... Julie Alderman
The Girl Without Guy Problems Award...... SYN ...
The Guy Without Girl Problems Award...... Radio Active
(These awards may not be related, but bet ya balls they are!)
Whatever happened to that slut? Award.... Blue Fox
(Vags:- You're going to look terrible wearing
your balls for ear rings!)
Romantic of the Month.................... Vagabond
("Sell me a computer!" In a Valentine's Day card!?)
Birthday of the month.................... Fire Fox
(Four and a quarter this month.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------+
Quotes for this month
+---------------------+
Fearless Fred: "Don't be surprised if somewhere, sometime, someone
comes up to you and says 'That's a quote!'."
Disk Destroyer: "Anything but the box!"
SYN: "I'm bright red at the moment."
Infiltrator: (To Fran) "Hey, I got no nuts..."
SYN: "I don't have any."
Ivan Trotsky: "I'm going to suck your eyes out and skull-fuck you!"
SYN: "I'll get in trouble."
Vagabond: "That's a big crack!"
Fearless Fred: "I'll fill 'em!"
SYN: "That's not bad is it?"
Vagabond: "He's putting it in too!"
SYN: "I wouldn't put Julie's in, take Julie's out!"
Fearless Fred: "I wont put it in."
Killer Tomato: "I'll play around and see what I can do."
SYN: "I've put my foot in it..."
SYN: "You wont get it out of me..."
SYN: "What are you trying to do to me?"
Thelonius Monk: "I don't want any premature interjections."
SYN: "Oh don't, please."
SYN: "You do very well at that!"
Thelonius Monk: "Hey, my horn works!"
The Lensman: "Did you hear him go 'oooooohhhhhh!'?"
Vagabond: "I think that deserves a head job."
Masky: "I haven't had any in a long time."
Killer Tomato: "... if you do you'll clean it up..."
Ivan Trotsky: "... but I'm all soggy!"
Fearless Fred: "I'm having a wonderful time."
Julie Alderman: "If you're a guy no, if you're a female
then why not."
Fire Fox: "(Sparks) shaved his mustache off, and I didn't
even notice until he told me."
Vagabond: "Who's on the short list... Disk Destroyer?"
Disk Destroyer: "I feel like a hero!"
Fire Fox: "It's OK to shop, but you'll get slapped if you
squeeze the merchandise."
The Worm: "Don't look at me like that (Sparks), you know
how it gets me all horny."
Fearless Fred: "What do you do with your dick D.D.?"
Disk Destroyer: "Hang on!"
Vagabond: "I've been hanging awound Larnth too muth."
Killer Tomato: (Greeting Disk Destroyer) "Hello Shorty!"
Fearless Fred: "Vags, what do you do ... After Dark?
Vagabond: "... nip off to the dunny every couple of minutes
for a few shakes..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------------+
The Anarchistic Classifieds
+---------------------------+
+-------------------------+ +----------------------------+
| | | |
| FOR SALE BY PUB(L)IC | | SAVE THIS COUPON! |
| AUCTION | | It will give you 10 FREE |
| | | "TICKLING TREATS" |
| One abandoned boudoir. | | with every cheap slut |
| | | EXPLOITED |
| - built underground | | at |
| for low heating | | ROYNA'S DEN OF INIQUITY. |
| costs. | | (phone [[[-[[[[, anytime |
| | | and ask for HORNY.) |
| - Every door knob | | Try our new |
| guaranteed to be | | ORGY OF THE SEVEN WHIPS, |
| self-lubricating. | | and other |
| | | GENITAL JOYS. |
| - All-night chemist | | PORN PORN PORN PORN PORN |
| in the next street. | | Non-stop around the |
| | | c(l)ock! |
| For more information | | DON'T WAIT! |
| call the Twilight Zone | | Life Insurance Compulsory. |
| (562-0686) | +----------------------------+
| or Zen BBS (899-6180) |
| and leave a message | +----------------------------+
| to SYN ... | | |
| | | LOST: |
+-------------------------+ | One virginity. |
| Sort of pink and tissuey. |
+-------------------------+ | Lost in the vicinity |
| | | of Thelonius Monk's house.|
| WANTED: | | - Reward to whoever can |
| One road construction | | return it. It's really |
| crew to lay new 6-lane | | important, my parents |
| freeway over existing | | will kill me if they |
| hemorrhoids. | | ever find out it's |
| Contact Taxi Cab on | | missing! |
| any BBS. | | Leave a public message |
| | | on Zen and I will get in |
+-------------------------+ | touch with you - ANON!? |
| |
+----------------------------+
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------+
E V I L A N G E L S
+---------------------+
At present the Evil Angels team consists of the following:
FOUNDER: The Masked Avenger.
EDITOR: Lightning Bolt (AKA Fearless Fred).
AUTHORS: Fearless Fred.
Ford Prefect.
ARTIST: Ford Prefect.
PROGRAMMER: Vagabond.
(BSF Boys)
OTHER MEMBERS: Thelonius Monk
The Lensman
Lounge Lizzard
Death Man
Nixx
SYN ... (We're VERY sexist! She's VERY sexy!)
Disk Destroyer (Da Plane! Da Plane!)
Ivan Trotsky
Sprite
FAVORITE PEOPLE: Taxi Cab Blue Fox
(TO HASSLE) Captain Chaos Simply Sparks
Fire Fox Vagabond
Raster Blaster SYN ...
Disk Destroyer Ice Man (and Robbie)
Royna Masked Avenger
Julie Alderman Killer Tomato (Hi Stu!)
YOU TOO can help rid the world of nerds- By purchasing any of
the following quality official Evil Angels Products:
"I hate the Masked Avenger" Badges $3.00
Evil Angels Badges... $3.00
Bi Bi P.I. Video... $25.00
Evil Angels Windcheaters... $25.00
All sizes, all colours, design is:
_______ _______
/ \______/ \
/ \ /|
/___/| Evil Angels |\___\ / |-------- NOW
| ______ | \ |-------- AVAILABLE!
| / E.A. \ | \|
| | Logo | |
| \______/ |
| Ridding the |
| world of nerds!|
|________________|
Printed versions of Anarchistic Tendencies Parts 1 - 10: $20.00
Remember... donations to Evil Angels are NOT tax deductible,
but WILL help rid the world of nerds! All money
raised will be used to throw a big party at the
end of the year.
+-----------------------------------+
| Donations & Payments can be sent: |
| |
| TO: Fred or Masky, |
| P.O. Box 528, |
| Mulgrave North, 3170 |
| Make cheques payable to CASH! |
+-----------------------------------+
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+------------------------------+
Thanks to the Following People
+------------------------------+
Stuart Gill: Thanks for editing the video.
SYN ...: Thanks for all those great quotes!
("Everything about her is great!" - Vags)
Bos Dos: Thanks for having a holiday.
Alan Bond: FOSTERS!
After Dark - Tuesday, SKY channel.
Julie Alderman: Oh, what great TITS!
Erika: Great Party! Great Massage! Great ....!
Thelma & Ruby: What a great couple! Thanks for nothing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anarchistic Tendencies X
(C) February 1989
YOU HAVE NO GODDAMNMUTHAFUCKING RIGHTS!
(Does anyone still read this unchanging drivel we put at the
end of each file?)
***************************************
* NO PART OF THIS FILE MAY BE *
* PUBLISHED IN MASS MEDIA WITHOUT *
* THE AUTHORS' WRITTEN PERMISSION *
* AND HALF THE AUTHORS DON'T KNOW *
* HOW TO WRITE. THE OTHER HALF ARE *
* USUALLY DRUNK! *
* *
* - That's a god-damned warning - *
* *
***************************************
::: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL :::
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------+
DISCLAIMER/DATCLAIMER
+---------------------+
The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure that
this file contains no offensive material. However, should you find
anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't sue us! This
file is written with the intent of producing a humorous file which
will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offense is intended towards any
person or persons no matter how often or in what context they are
mentioned.
Does any of this file mean I get twit access on TZ, Fred?
[No, there's one priv level lower than twit... T.C. access - Ed]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evil Angels Will Return With Anarchistic Tendencies XI
------------------------------------------------------
"The Evil Angels' Unedited Fairy Tales."
A Tribute to Walt Disney, in true Evil Angels fashion.
- SYNderella.
- Snow White and the seven dwarves.
- And Much Much More....