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From: jsnyder@june.cs.washington.edu.UUCP (206)
Subject: Drop kick me
Date: 24 May 88 20:12:07 GMT
A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna
get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it
a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and
starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman
waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"
--
From: shankar@hpclscu.HP.COM (Shankar Unni)
Subject: Balls to your partner
Date: 7 Jun 88 20:32:53 GMT
An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on
the deck of a ship watching war exercises (OK, OK, so this is an *old* one..).
The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,
"Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!".
Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?".
The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing
Atlantic) and swim around the ship!"
Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns
around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"
The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives
him the order:
"Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship
seven times!"
Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The
American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!"
So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around
watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?".
So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the
mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?"
Trevor stares at his general.
"Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast."
"Yes."
"And swim under the keel"
"Yes."
"You must be daft!"
And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British
General turns to the other two and says,
"Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!"
--
From: neighorn@qiclab.UUCP (Steve Neighorn)
Subject: Thank Heavens for Schools
Date: 14 Jun 88 21:03:42 GMT
[Yet another compendium]
And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:
"This paper needs a few comas."
"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal."
"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."
"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."
"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."
"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year."
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure."
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken."
"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest."
"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will
have an appointment with the orinthologist."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week,
as she had a case of the fool."
--
From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Deathbed humour
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children,
grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed
at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old
man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the
waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the
old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I
smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel
now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after
this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man
begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious
strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
--
From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Quality Control
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT
>From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail:
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd.
of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want
1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed
them separately."
--
From: ijd@otter.hple.hp.com (Ian Dickinson)
Subject: What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:29 GMT
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do _you_ know Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that bl**dy Nun again is it?"
--
From: eacj@batcomputer.UUCP (Julian Vrieslander)
Subject: A parable for graduate students
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:57 GMT
SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting
outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
FOX: "What are you working on?"
RABBIT: "My thesis."
FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"
RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few
minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes
typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking
rabbit.
WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"
RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)
WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of
fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other
side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
(The End)
MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.
--
From: hack@bellboy.UUCP (Greg Hackney)
Subject: U2 the rocket dog
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:59 GMT
A true story...
There is this very large lovable dog who is named "U2"
because he is always flying over the fence like a rocket.
A lady was showing a couple around her garage sale,
when U2 jumps over the fence and wanders into the garage.
The lady suddenly screams, "U2, Get the hell out of here!!!",
and was surprised to see the 2 shoppers running away.
--
From: ludo@squawk.sq.com.UUCP
Subject: Airplanes
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:25 GMT
> From Shelley Berman's hilarious book :
"Up in the Air"
-------------------------
Q. When is it much better to be a women than a men ?
A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences.
--
From: fritz@csvax.caltech.edu.UUCP (fritz nordby)
Subject: human oscillators
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:27 GMT
My favourite two campus practical jokes:
1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that
flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene
(visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the room's resident
retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later,
someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few
minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one,
and turns the light off ... on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on
the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing
at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly
(by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing
their heads off).
2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling
practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got
a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light
bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the
firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victim's room, the
other in the perpetrator's.
That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light.
There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim
(quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light -- BLAM! Well,
the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some-
thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrator's room. He went over to
the perpetrator's room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned
on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he
looked up at the light -- BLAM!
Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator.
--
From: mikep@ism780c.isc.com.UUCP (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: Newlywed Game Show
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:29 GMT
[ Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I
normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In
this case it might be true. ]
There was this couple and the man was asked where was the wierdest
place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence, the woman
responds: "Got to be in the butt, Bob."
And another section... I think it was on the Pyramid game or something
and the word to get was "bread" and so the cluegiver says "Dough"
and the black man answered "knob."
--
From: tneff@dasys1.UUCP (Tom Neff)
Subject: Some original LBJs
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:32 GMT
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: <smash the lightbulb>
=============
OK, try again.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. Two to argue over whether the buddha nature already resides
in the empty socket, one to light a candle instead, and two to
shovel out the outhouses.
=============
On a related topic:
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: How many do you think it takes?
--
From: rumm@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (LYNDON BRETT RUMM)
Subject: Sure plays a mean pinball
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:35 GMT
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
- Cancer.
--
From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu
Subject: Televangenists
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:55:01 GMT
Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Bakker:
Swaggart: "I have a theological question; can a prostitute be saved?
Bakker: "Yes."
Swaggart: "Would you save me one for Saturday night?"
--
Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu
"InDiana - where Prince Charles spent his honeymoon."
--
From: wendell@ihlpa.UUCP
Subject: Reagan's tractor
Date: 28 Jun 88 19:28:27 GMT
Did you here about the new tractor Reagan designed for farmers?
It has no seat or steering wheel.
It's meant for the farmer that lost his ass and doesn't know
which direction he's going.
---
From: gazit@ganelon.usc.edu.UUCP (Salit)
Subject: Virgin Joke
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:28 GMT
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an
another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money,
and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there.
And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair" he answered.
--
From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Brown Cow, White Cow
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:31 GMT
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes",
replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy".
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
--
From: hdunne@amethyst.ma.arizona.edu (|-|ugh)
Subject: Law and Order
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:58 GMT
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
--
From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe)
Subject: Deathbed humour
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children,
grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed
at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old
man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the
waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the
old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I
smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel
now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after
this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man
begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious
strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
--
From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader)
Subject: Quality Control
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT
>From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail:
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd.
of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want
1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed
them separately."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
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From: knurlin@trwspf.UUCP (Scott Karlin)
Subject: Dictionary quiz
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:10 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the most dictionaries?
-- Scott Karlin
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: kriz@skat.usc.edu (Dennis Kriz)
Subject: Glasnost and nothing but
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, original, chuckle
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:08:22 GMT
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Yup they're gonna open some 300 Pizza huts back in the ole USSR. I can just
see the promotion campaigns:
With each pizza get a free glass from our "Heroes of the Revolution"
collection. Collect the RIGHT set...
dennis
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: Something to think about
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, smirk
Date: 9 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.
Henry Cate III
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: jbh@mibte.UUCP (James Harvey)
Subject: Driver Gets a Stiff Fine
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, true
Date: 9 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Michigan Bell Telephone Company
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
> From the Detroit News, June 8, 1988
Dateline: Santa Ana, California.
A man was fined $58 after failing to persuade a judge that the
four frozen corpses in his van qualified him for life in the fast
lane.
Robert Hanshew, 25, of Westminster, who transports cadavers for a
mortuary service, was stopped March 21 for using a freeway car
pool lane reserved for vehicles carrying two people or more.
--
Jim Harvey
Michigan Bell Telephone
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: hoffman@pitt.UUCP (Bob Hoffman)
Subject: Grave matter
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 10 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh Computer Science
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
This is a joke told by Dave Allen on one of his
shows (British program 'Dave Allen at Large').
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.
--------
Dave Allen is an excellent storyteller and a very inventive
comedian. I'm afraid that just reading it here doesn't do justice
to it.
--
Bob Hoffman
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu (John Mullen)
Subject: Stolen record
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 10 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Carnegie-Mellon University, CS/RI
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be
a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my joke in this
manner :-).
mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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From: kiribanda@math.colombo.edu
Subject: ducky..
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, heard it, funny
Date: 11 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: The Colombo University, Sri Lanka
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
(And now... the saga continues...)
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck
belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therfore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the
farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in
the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the
ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands
up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: brunette@newton.Berkeley.EDU (Harold Lynn Brunette)
Subject: Furrier and furrier
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, heard it
Date: 11 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Here's one I wish I'd written:
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the
owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You
may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hal Brunette
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: CaptainDave@cup.portal.com
Subject: Armor Potted Beef Product
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 12 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Ever wonder where baby oil comes from???
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: bob@sarad.cs.su.oz.au.UUCP
Subject: open the gates
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 13 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.
"What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
"Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
"Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: andrew@cit5.oz.au.UUCP (Andrew Moore)
Subject: Itty Bitty Machines
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 14 Jul 88 03:30:06 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
"You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.
"Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked
at the analyst, and said:
"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."
- - -
andrew@cit5.oz (...oz.au) Andrew Moore.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: werner@carl.ma.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner R. Uhrig)
Subject: You're never a loan with a Rolls
Keywords: heard it, funny
Date: 12 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys."
A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.
"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?"
(these jokes stolen, guess where ...:-)
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: kgdykes@watmath.UUCP (Ken Dykes)
Subject: puppy joke, sligtly off colour
Keywords: gross, sexual, smirk
Date: 13 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
What's the difference between a toy poodle humping your leg and
a Pit Bull humping your leg?
...The Pit Bull gets to finish!
-ken
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: andrew@damask.UUCP (Derek Andrew)
Subject: Astrology in the White House
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
"The report that important decisions in the White House were
based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results
could undermine faith in astrology."
Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: NAHAJ@miriam.utah.edu.UUCP (John Halleck, Postmaster)
Subject: Telling an Optimist from a Pessimist [Again]
Keywords: smirk
Date: 18 Jul 88 03:30:04 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission
Cave Rescue Training Seminar:
How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist?
An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks.
A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: ncoverby@ndsuvax.UUCP (Glen Overby)
Subject: The Collapse of Usenet
Keywords: maybe
Date: 20 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Silo Tech Fargo, ND
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
[ This one is interesting because many of the things listed have already
taken place. -ed ]
For years people have been predicting that Usenet will collapse. Like
the ancient Roman civilization, there will be indicators of this impending
collapse, when it nears. These will include:
Somebody other than Henry Spencer will post from utzoo.
Utzoo will be upgraded in cpu and/or operating system (from an 11/44 runn
version 7)
Seizmo will cease to exist, cutting off the east coast.
Decwrl's Usenet readership data will expire, because nobody there reads
news anymore.
The line eater will re-appear.
(note: it has appeared on Bitnet, but looks a lot like the 'last card in
the reader' problem)
Bitnet will stop truncating files at 80 characters, eliding trailing
blanks and translating ASCII to funky characters.
Ihnp4 will become reliable.
Eugene Myia will start saying "Don't send me mail -- follow up!"
Bob Webber will do something GOOD for the network.
The Brahms Gang will do something GOOD for the network.
Eric Mading will core dump.
Talk.Bizarre will drop from the volume ratings.
The alt.* subnet will be absorbed into the main network with no protests
>From either parties.
Mailing lists on Bitnet and the Internet will cease to exist, being
replaced with a news-like interface thus doing away with the random
"Please add me to your list" postings.
Gene Spafford will stop posting his monthly group lists.
There will be NO April Fools pranks pulled.
--
Glen Overby
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: okunewck@gondor.UUCP (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: When you wish upon a leprechaun...
Keywords: smirk, nasty word
Date: 21 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
This fella catches a leprechaun.
(I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories.
We'll skip this part...)
...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish."
"When?"
"Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye."
That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to
see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures
on his front porch.
The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the
one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: "Whose side are you on, anyway...."
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 1 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
( just hot off Werner's wire-service ...)
Mr. Reagan visited Dukakis headquarters yesterday, offering to work for
his election campaign.
"No, Mr. President, I am the Democratic candidate. You probably
meant to ge to the Republican Campaign headquarter.
"Well, now, no, I had gone there first, but they told me to come
over here and help..."
--------------------------------------------
werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dipirro@3d.dec.com (INTJ - Sexual Technologist)
Subject: I hate to be a nonconformist, but enough is enough!
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, racist, rot13, offense=Jews, offense=Poles
Date: 2 Aug 88 09:30:03 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
D: Qvq lbh urne nobhg gur arj oenaq bs gverf - Sverfgrva?
N: Gurl abg bayl fgbc ba n qvzr, gurl cvpx vg hc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guvf Cbyr tbg zneevrq, ohg ur jnf gbb qhzo gb xabj jung gb qb ba uvf
jrqqvat avtug.
"Sbe Tbq'f fnxr, Fgna," fnvq uvf oevqr, "lbh gnxr gung guvat lbh cynl
jvgu naq lbh chg vg jurer V crr."
Fb ur tbg hc naq guerj uvf objyvat onyy va gur fvax.
Fgrir QvCveeb
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnbl@tekig5.TEK.COM (John Blankenagel)
Subject: Fish Story
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 2 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
A lawyer and an engineer <or some other honest profession member :-) >
were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawer said "I am here because my
house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence", said the
engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "how do you start a flood?"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: davidt@psuhcx (Thomas S. David)
Subject: taking notes...
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 3 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: Penn State University Engineering Computer Lab
To all those Freshman note takers out there....here's an example of good
note taking :-)....
***********************
* HOW TO TAKE NOTES *
***********************
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE:
"Probably the greatest quality
of the poetry of John Milton, who
was born in 1608, is the combination
of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608
excelled him in the use of the
English language, or for that
matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be
the greatest single poem ever
written."
"When Lafayette first came to
this country, he discovered
America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America
help if their cause was to survive,
and this he promptly supplied them."
"Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face
doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly
of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed
of President Roosevelt.
"...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist
not understand the Russian
viewpoint..."
"The puissance of hydrochloric
acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell
the corrosive residue is out of steel
inharmonious with metallic
persistance."
E-mail
dst@psuecl
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dab@whuts.UUCP
Subject: Joke heard at a comedy club
Keywords: sexual, smirk, slightly sexist
Date: 8 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Why are women like snow flakes??
They are all beautiful
They are all different
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face......
Dave B.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: Rec.Humor.Funny 1 year old today
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 8 Aug 88 03:32:44 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
Today marks the first birthday of rec.humor.funny. Thanks to all my
submitters for a funny year, and thanks to the readers, too.
(Please don't mail to thank me, the 700 Poll responses were enough.)
My only disappointment is that the group still shows only 85% propagation
on the net surveys. If your site doesn't get the group yet ...
then how the hell are you reading this? But seriously, since this group
does have one of the best volume/readership ratios around, I'm not sure
of the origin of this figure.
Now might be a good time to review the posting regs, but I think I'll wait
until after vacation time is over for a full scale review. Quick reminder:
a) No form feeds
b) ONE joke per submission, with an informative subject
c) Mail rather than post the jokes (It's hard to reply to posted stuff)
d) I reply to every submission, but about 25% of these replies bounce
e) Do not rotate what you send me, it's annoying.
f) Please tell me where you heard it, and tell me if you wrote it.
I am more lenient with original stuff.
g) I believe the U.S.'s founding fathers intended to make a system
where you could get off on technicalities.
h) There is no rule 6.
i) BMW stands for "I'm a frayed not."
j) Gestation is a bitch, and then you're born.
h) Don't send me stuff from rec.humor.
More news later, same bat time, same bat channel.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton Send jokes to {cbosgd,watmath}!looking!funny
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jackm@devvax.Jpl.Nasa.Gov.UUCP (Jack Morrison)
Subject: Another comp.newprod reject?
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
| KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products: |
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor.
LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system.
XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use.
WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors.
LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists.
MAC-ULET (Univerity Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing.
YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools.
LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package.
All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already;
how long could it take to write them?).
Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century):
LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation
vaporware prototyping environment, including propietary and
patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM).
B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks).
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: md@marvin.UUCP (Mark Dionne)
Subject: joke (offense = India)
Keywords: racist, chuckle, rot13
Date: 9 Aug 88 09:30:04 GMT
Jura Zef. Tunaqv jrag gb Zbfpbj, Xuehfupuri gbbx ure sbe n
gbhe bs gur pvgl va uvf yvzb. Erpnyyvat uvf ivfvg gb Vaqvn,
Ur fgnegrq tvivat ure n uneq gvzr nobhg gur fnavgnel
pbaqvgvbaf gurer.
"Jura V jnf va Qryuv, V fnj uhzna rkperzrag ylvat
rireljurer."
Cbbe Zef. Tunaqv jnf greevoyl rzonenffrq, ohg bayl sbe
n zbzrag, orpnhfr whfg nurnq jnf n zna fvggvat ba uvf
urryf, fuvggvat ba gur fvqr bs gur ebnq. Fur cbvagrq guvf
bhg.
Xuehfupuri jnf yvivq naq qvqa'g urfvgngr: "Qevire, trg
bhg vzzrqvngryl naq fubbg gung zna!"
Gur qevire tbg bhg, jnyxrq hc gb gur zna jvgu uvf tha
qenja, fcbxr oevrsyl, naq gura erghearq gb gur pne.
"Fve, V pna'g fubbg gung zna, ur'f gur Vaqvna nzonffnqbe."
(Gbyq gb zr va 1978 ol na rzcyblrr bs VOZ Vaqvn.)
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: chandra@ihuxv.UUCP
Subject: Homeostatic needs of humans
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
A finanicial magnate was on his death bed. He was under an Oxygen tent.
At his side stood his loyal subordinate, tears streaming down his face.
"Do not grieve," whispered the expiring tycoon, with considerable effort.
"I want you to know that I appreciate your faithful services to me
over the years. I am leaving you my money, my plane, my estates,
my yacht... everything I have."
"Thank you sir" cried the subordinate.
"You have always been so good to me all these years. If only there
were something I could do for you in these last moments."
There is ... There is." gasped the half-dead man.
"Then tell me what it is," implored the faithful servant, "tell me!"
"Stop pressing your foot so hard on the oxygen li....!" the dying man
managed to utter.
B. Chandramouli
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: gaynor@aramis.rutgers.edu.UUCP (Silver)
Subject: Re: PC Flame from unix-pc.test
Keywords: original, funny
Date: 10 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
[ I got this as somebody's list of reactions to the rejection note they
were sent on a submission. The rejection reaction was funnier than the
joke. This is parodied on the Roxanne list. ]
(Ok...)
Inflamed: What?!? You didn't think it was funny? Where did you get your sense
of humor, an Acme correspondence course? What do I have to do to get
something funny posted around here? Blow half of the backbone SAs
for my OWN newsgroup, like you?
Bribery: Ok, how about five bucks?
Polite: I wasn't sure if you wanted to handle it, but I wanted to make sure you
had the opportunity.
Defensive: Hey, *I* didn't write it.
Sly: Just testing. You pass.
[Remaining 19 not included because I'm not as funny as Cyrano/Martin.]
No? I know, I know, "Keep trying.".
Regards, [Ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Dave Letterman's comment on the Night Game at Wrigley Field
Keywords: chuckle, sexual, topical
Date: 10 Aug 88 06:11:05 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
The first planned night game at Wrigley field in Chicago was called
because of rain. Says David Letterman, "I seem to recall the first time
I tried it with the lights on, it was pretty much of a washout as well."
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: saltis@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (sotirios saltis)
Subject: A little child shall lead them
Keywords: sexual, dirty words, smirk
Date: 10 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia
Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.
One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie
a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers
with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you
to remain after class." When the others had left the
classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could
say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're
going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about?"
"Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything
you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen
your bush and it's pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't
true."
"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make
it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone
could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her
legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the
hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines,"
she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet
me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: proett@wilbur.nas.nasa.gov.UUCP (Tom Proett)
Subject: FAA saves the day
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 11 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine:
The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa,
under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal
Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable
abbreviation for the facility.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: regisc@tekgvs.GVS.TEK.COM.UUCP (Regis J. Crinon)
Subject: Baby Boom.
Keywords: smirk
Date: 12 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Q: Do you know what a test tube baby's worst nightmare is ?
A: Ella Fitzgerald and Memorex.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: Shotgun Weddings
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 12 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
>From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
Pakistan:
First he tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
a runway in Norhtern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding
guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentily
"blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40
days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying
lead."
In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
high tension electrical wires, the falling wires electrocuted 8 guests and
set parts of the village on fire. As well there have been sevearl injuries
to people not even attending the weddings who happen into the path of a
stray bullet.
Although authorities have promised to crack down, little success is
expected. In the words of a city councillor, "If I do not use my gun when
invited to a wedding, I will be considered a mouse, not a man."
Rambo would be proud.
P.S. along a similar note, although Rambo III has not been pulling in the
North American box office receipts the producers would have liked, they
are reportedly not worried because Rambo movies pull 80% of their gross
>from foreign receipts.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: csg@pyramid.pyramid.com.UUCP (Carl S. Gutekunst)
Subject: It depends on how many flats they brought with them
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 15 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving
in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls
to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces.
Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it."
Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself."
[Blame it on laz@pyramid. He told it to me.]
<csg>
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: baulch@thiazi.cs.cornell.edu (Garth Baulch)
Subject: Double negatives
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 23 Aug 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept, Ithaca NY
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the
fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms
a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can
a double positive form a negative."
A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jho@ihlpe.ATT.COM (Yosi Hoshen)
Subject: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a hawk?
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 24 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Naperville, Illinois
A quayle
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: cochran@tc.fluke.COM (Galen Cochran)
Subject: Alien sex
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 24 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:
(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable
to humans?
(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past
six months?
(3) Which one is your mouth?
Galen.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: ecl@mtgzy.UUCP
Subject: Booming popularity
Keywords: original, chuckle, topical
Date: 25 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: AT&T, Middletown NJ
I am writing this on the morning following an event of great national
shock. The Republicans have chosen Dan Quayle as the Vice-Presidential
candidate. Quayle is a young man, 41, and part of the interpretation is that
the party wants to appeal to the Baby Boomer generation. This is a colossal
miscalculation in this commentator's opinion. I know. I am from the Baby
Boomer generation myself. (Okay, let's say late in the Baby Boomer generation,
very, very late, okay?) I can tell you most of this generation are people who
are getting along but haven't hit it big. Some of us even ride garbage trucks
or clerk in stores. It's not going to appeal to us to see that had we played
our cards differently we could have been Vice-Presidential candidates by now.
That's more for people maybe twenty years or so older, we tell ourselves. Now
this thing happens and every Baby Boomer has to face the fact that some slob
our age--or in my case somewhat over--is making it big. And there are other
similarities. Quayle's family owned newspapers. My family owned newspapers.
The difference is my family kept ours stacked under the cellar steps; his
family published them, so didn't have to keep them under the steps. In any
case, this is all very sobering news and I hope the Republicans are prepared
for the kind of backlash they will get from us politically-aware Baby Boomers.
Mark R. Leeper
[ What I want to know is, what's Quayle got against Canada?? If he wanted
to dodge the war, we have a perfectly good country up here he could have
visited. Does he have a secret foreign policy agenda we don't know about? ]
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dbw@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman)
Subject: Political song
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 26 Aug 88 03:30:06 GMT
Sing to the song "I'm so Excited":
Chorus: This fall it looks like Bush against Dukakis.
A choice between a preppie and a nerd.
When pitted one on one it could get ruckus.
They both could end up in a tie for third.
Dukakis: I'm Mike Dukakis.
Chorus: Shock us! Just like Millard Filmore.
Dukakis: I'll command you.
Chorus: Hand you, lots of Sominex.
Dukakis: And when I speak:
Chorus: You keep us asleep.
Dukakis: I'm not exciting.
There's just no hiding.
I might even vote for Bush, but I'm undecided.
Chorus: I'm not excited.
I'm not ignited.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't support you, not you.
Dukakis: When you go in that booth and pull that lever.
Don't think of who I am, but who I'm not.
I'm not Ed Meese, and I'm not Michael Deaver.
Not Ollie North, Ed Mecham, or James Watt.
I'm not indicted.
Chorus: He's not indicted.
I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
Chorus: I'm all excited.
I'm all ignited.
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I want you. I want you.
Chorus (Repeat):
1st Chorus: I'm all excited.
2nd Chorus: They caught a new disease.
1st Chorus: I'm all ignited.
2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis!
1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
1st Chorus: I'm all excited.
2nd Chorus: This germ is terminal.
1st Chorus: I'm all ignited.
2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis!
1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
Written by the Capitol Steps, a singing group composed of Congressional aides.
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: adbst@cisunx.UUCP (Andrew D. Bowen)
Subject: A new Movie
Keywords: original, smirk, topical
Date: 25 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh, Comp & Info Sys
[Edited]
Perhaps since "The Last Temptation of Christ" attempts to talk about
how the Jews supposedly killed Jesus, it might get more viewers if it
is named, "WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBI?"
[ Or as they said in rec.arts.movies, "Who Framed Roger Ebert?" -- "The
Siskel Kid," of course. ]
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sundaram@vx2.GBA.NYU.EDU (An eel called Judy)
Subject: Top ten reasons Ilove New York beaches
Keywords: original, chuckle, topical
Date: 26 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Switch on emulation = David Letterman
TEN REASONS WHY NEW YORKERS PREFER BEACHES IN NEW YORK STATE.
-------------------------------------------------------------
10) It really feels at home swimming in sewage.
9) You can improve your arithmetic by counting the rats that float
by.
8) Studies have shown that shark repellent is no substitute for high
bacterial levels.
7) The shellfish truly come in interesting shapes and designs.
6) The Iranian revolutionary guards have planted mines only in the
Persian Gulf.
5) The dolphins are so friendly that they wash up on the beach to make
place for you and your kids in the ocean.
4) With these dangerous epidemics in the air, it MUST be safer in the
water.
3) In case of emergencies, medical AIDS are never more than an
arms-length away.
2) Mario Cuomo performs his daily ablutions in the ocean
and the Democrats haven't as yet washed away.
1) Ed Koch swims at Cape Cod.
==================================================================
Switch off emulation = David Letterman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vijay Sundaram
--
..
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tut@Sun.COM (Bill "Bill" Tuthill)
Subject: Draft Dodger Rag [for Danforth Quayle]
Keywords: original, maybe, topical
Date: 29 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Draft Dodger Rag
by Phil Ochs [annotated for Danforth Quayle]
Oh I am just a typical American boy [with a filthy rich grandpa]
> from a typical American town [where my daddy runs the newspaper]
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
and keeping old Castro down. [not to mention Daniel Ortega]
And when it came my time to serve
I knew better dead than red, [or is it better red than dead?]
but when I got to my old draft board,
buddy this is what I said. [for I was already in the Nat'l Guard]
Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen [my father made a few calls]
and I always carry a purse;
I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat [friends made some more calls]
and my asthma's getting worse.
Yes think of my career and my sweetheart dear [America needs more lawyers!]
and my poor old invalid aunt;
besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school [Even as a teenager I loved the
and I'm working in a defense plant. military-industrial complex]
I got a dislocated disk & a racked up back [My daddy made me carry the
I'm allergic to flowers and bugs; entire circulation one day]
when the bombshell hits I get epileptic fits
and I'm addicted to a thousand drugs. [the Dukakis campaign knows
I got the weakness woes I can't touch my toes I smoked pot in law school]
I can hardly reach my knees;
and if the enemy came close to me [I've always been allergic
I'd probably start to sneeze. to slanteye communists]
I hate Chou Enlai and I hope he dies, [now I love Deng Xioping]
but one thing you gotta see:
that someone's gotta go over there [why can't the poor go fight?]
and that someone isn't me. [you bet-- my daddy's rich]
So I wish you well, Sarge give 'em hell,
kill me a thousand or so; [torture a few Nicaraguans too]
if you ever get a war without blood and gore
I'll be the first to go. [that's why I support SDI!]
--
..
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: UH2%psuvm.bitnet@rutgers.edu (Lee Sailer 814-898-6268)
Subject: Affection Gap
Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual, topical
Date: 29 Aug 88 15:30:05 GMT
>From the Dukakis campaign---
Dukakis and his wife, Kitty, are frequently quite affectionate in public.
Reporters asked D. if he thought that Bush and his wife would have to
behave more affectionately in response.
Dukakis responded that to his knowledge most democrats preferred double
beds, while most republicans preferred two singles. After a pause he
said , ``Maybe that's why there are more democrats.''
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fbaube@note.nsf.gov
Subject: We stand on guard for thee...
Keywords: funny, topical
Date: 30 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Relayed by: Walid
Why did the chicken cross the road?
...to get to the National Guard.
(And, from Jay Leno)
"I was just back in the newsroom there - saw
Pat Robertson and Dan Quayle swapping war stories."
What do Guardsmen actually do ? "You just kind of sit around
waiting for something to happen. If that isn't training for the
vice-presidency - I don't know what is." .. "A lot of people just
feel he's too inexperienced for a do-nothing job."
And, Quayle has two things that Bentsen lacks -
"A blow-drier and a pulse".
-----------------
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu
Subject: male chauvinist jokes
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexist, chuckle, rot13
Date: 30 Aug 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Indiana University CSCI, Bloomington
D: Jul qb jbzra gnxr ybatre guna zra gb ernpu betnfz?
N: Jub pnerf?
--
D: Ubj qb lbh xabj jura vg'f gvzr gb jnfu qvfurf naq pyrna gur ubhfr?
N: Ybbx vafvqr lbhe cnagf; vs lbh unir n cravf, vg'f abg gvzr.
--
Frank
--
..
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: vixie@decwrl.dec.com (Paul Vixie)
Subject: Language barriers
Keywords: smirk, original, true
Date: 30 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: DEC Western Research Lab
(This isn't really a joke, but it's fictional and it's funny. Half-fictional,
anyway. Jordan Hubbard has moved to Germany, and he had this to say in some
recent e-mail from there:)
"... my landlady insists on speaking german to me at every opportunity.
Having 6 year old kids come up to you and say "ggbbdbffbtttllgghhx lldfggbhjk
ffbgglskxksii??" (that's what it sounds like to american ears) is somewhat
humbling. A typical conversation (such as the one I had this morning
at the train station) between myself and Johahn Schmidt (John Smith)
goes something like this:
JS = random german person with sudden need to talk to confused looking
american person sitting on station platform..
CA = Confused American (me)
[ xxx ] = portion of german actually understood by CA
JS: "ggdbffhbbl shdaxjla [ train ] mfflufftagglt [ what] flkiftag?"
CA: (startled) "Huh?"
JS: "flafguhg ylakfoo pwit?"
CA: "Uh. Um. Ich spreche .. um. kein deutch." (I don't speak german)
JS: "fllggaift? Nicht? maflufa gggg pwomp sneerg?"
CA: (more slowly) "Uh. Meine deutch is nicht gut!" (My german is not good!)
JS: "Ah! maflufhag fwafahwafa [american] ggglikahst gnug [german] fggg."
CA: "Yeah. What you said."
JS: "llaflufa gag pwit narg foof! Gewacka wacka!"
CA: "You need change? A light? Directions? Some nuclear waste?" (pulls
change from pocket and gestures at it, in hopes that it is the first).
"Things usually proceed in this fashion until I end up staring at my feet
hoping that god will make this person go away soon. JS generally gets bored
at this point and asks someone else whatever was being asked."
Jordan Hubbard
(via Paul Vixie, reprinted without permission)
--
..
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Drug test (it's the caffeine I can do without)
Keywords: maybe, scatological
Date: 31 Aug 88 03:30:04 GMT
Tester: "Please step into the bathroom over there, and fill this cup
to the halfway mark".
Testee (thinks):
Hmmm. Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't they like my urine?
--
..
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: adamm@necis.nec.com (Adam Moskowitz)
Subject: Polly want a crack-up?
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 31 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his
routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and
they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about
new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches
him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how
the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when
the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squaks "Behing
his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this,
but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he
can't just kill it.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a
plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other
end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3
days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot
looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the
ship?"
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: George Bush: He's "Just Folks"
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 1 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
[From the New Republic]
"Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very
strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be
spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets
in the rain, we were punished."
-- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's sister
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: danny@Ford-wdl1.ARPA (Daniel . Abramovitch)
Subject: Our Pal Dan
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 1 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Heard from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, Monday August 29:
Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's
Vietnam War experience. It's called "Full Dinner Jacket".
-- Daniel Abramovitch
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: schaefer@ogcvax.UUCP (Barton E. Schaefer)
Subject: Republican Prayer
Keywords: original, smirk, topical
Date: 2 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
This one is entirely my fault.
The Republican Prayer
---------------------
Our Gipper, who art in Washington,
Ronald be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,
In Heaven as it has on Earth.
Give us this day our Contra Aid,
And forget Ollie's trespasses,
As we forgive those you trespassed against us.
And lead us not into Taxation,
But deliver us from the Evil Empire.
For thine are the Deficit, and Star Wars, and George,
Four more years.
Amen!
--
Bart Schaefer
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dwg@hpqtdla.UUCP (David Grieve)
Subject: Taking the low road
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 2 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you??
SCOTSMAN: Certainly...
REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don't.
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....
---------------------JOKE 2---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep?
A: A pimp
--
..
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: anonymous@erehwon.UUCP
Subject: Collection of Shuttle Jokes
Keywords: sick, racist, funny, heard it
Date: 5 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
[ This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, much later. You
may well have heard of these. THere are more, but I'm not posting them.
As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the submitter asked to
be anonymous, you can't send to him either. ]
S H U T T L E J O K E S
Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A: "What's this button do?"
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish".
Q: What was the Shuttle's last transmission?
A: "I said BUD LITE!".
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
A3: Chicken Kiev
Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.
Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior
controller say?
A: "72, 73, 74 BOOM! - Just kidding guys!"
Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.
Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: They're all looking for a tight seal.
Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagon?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
Q: Why did the board of education recommended posthumously taking away
McAuliffe's teaching certificate?
A: She set a bad example by blowing up in front of her students.
Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be
a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll
have a rated officer onboard.
Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.
Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: She's going to be a substitute.
Q: Did you hear that the first civilian on the shuttle is no longer
an English teacher?
A: Now she's history.
--
..
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: okunewck@gondor.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: UNIX made simple
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 5 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
This morning, one of our users told me of something he'd read
about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying
UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of it's simplicity
in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications.
He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to
replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have.
---Duck
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tomc%apple@acad.UUCP (Thomas M. Chavez)
Subject: Languages
Keywords: smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Waitress: Hawaii mister? You must be Hungary?
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What'll you Havre? Aix?
Gent: Whatever's ready. But can't Jamaica cook step on the gas?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! But Alaska.
Gent: Don't do me favors. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to
Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus. I hope he'll Kenya! I don't
Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! i don't Carribean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps
business? Be Nice! Matter of fact, I gotta Smolensk for ya!
Waitress: Attu! Don't Diev me that Boulogne! Alamein do! Spain in the neck!
Pay you check and scram, Abyssinia!
Finnish
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jbowe@pineapple.bbn.com
Subject: Some men are leg men, ass men, breast men, but I prefer to consider a woman as a whole.
Keywords: sexist, rot13, sexual, smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT
Guerr thlf ner qvfphffvat jbzra. "V yvxr gb jngpu n jbzna'f gvgf orfg,"
gur svefg thl fnlf.
Gur frpbaq fnlf "V yvxr gb ybbx ng n jbzna'f nff." Ur nfxf gur guveq
thl "Jung nobhg lbh?".
"Zr? V cresre gb frr gur gbc bs ure urnq."
-wbua-
--
..
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: robison@m.cs.uiuc.edu (Arch Robison)
Subject: future computing newspaper
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
Soon available at checkout counters everywhere:
*NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER*
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads!
STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars?
SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie!
TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell!
REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map!
OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!
PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!
CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO!
ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?
SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk!
- Arch D. Robison
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@bcsfse.UUCP (Bill Sears)
Subject: 4 Southern Belles
Keywords: swearing, smirk
Date: 7 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon
1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."
2SB: "My My My"
3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."
2SB: "My My My"
4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."
2SB: "My My My"
(Nervous pause)
1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"
2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."
(Nervous pause)
3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"
2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mmoore@saturn.ucsc.edu (Matthew Moore)
Subject: What goes around
Keywords: scatological, funny
Date: 7 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
[ A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an imigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. ]
In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.
After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.
The cook heard them out, then said "You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee".
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mary@zaphod.UUCP
Subject: More about the 2nd oldest profession
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 8 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
mary@arthur.uchicago.edu
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: lrh00@uts.amdahl.com (Lynn Robert Holtzman)
Subject: Up up and away
Keywords: funny, topical, sick
Date: 9 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
The 'BLUE ANGELS' will be appearing at Moffet Field next week, and will
have the Italian Air Force start the show off, to warm up the audience.
Lynn Holtzman
--
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: hobie@sq.sq.com (Hobie Orris)
Subject: computer joke (original)
Keywords: maybe, original
Date: 9 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
New Programmer's Editor for the Amiga
-------------------------------------
Hot on the heels of Apple Computer's release of HyperCard is a new concept
in interactive text editors from Obscure Technologies Inc., named PunchEd.
For those wondering what HyperCard is, it's a new `metaphor' in human-computer
interaction, in which data, be they text, music or pictures, are represented
by a hierarchy of `index cards' which the user can activate or browse through
by using mouse-sensitive gadgets. Obscure Technologies has, as their promo-
tional literature states, contracted (not expanded) on the HyperCard idea in
their new programmer's editor, PunchEd. In PunchEd, the visual metaphor
presented to the user is that of a stack of punched paper cards, just like
those used extensively in the computer industry since the 1950s and with which
the company believes real programmers will feel more comfortable than with
full-screen text editors.
The cards can be viewed on the screen individually, or several can be
viewed spread out simultaneously (a process referred to as `fanning'). Like
HyperCard, PunchEd allows the user to browse, or `riffle', through his or her
`stack' of cards using the mouse. Users must exercise some caution when
riffling, since there is a chance that they could experience a `stack drop',
where the carefully-arranged cards become hopelessly jumbled. This reviewer
somehow managed to perform a stack drop, an operation only slightly less
frustrating than getting a stack overflow. Fortunately, PunchEd provides
a `shuffle' command for getting things back in order again. There is also a
facility whereby a previously entered card can be duplicated with a single
keystroke - quite a time-saver. Other basic editor features, such as entering
text, are also provided. One small problem, however, is that there is no
backspacing capability, so in order to correct your text, you must retype the
offending line onto a new card and remove the old one. Some users will, I'm
sure, appreciate this attention to detail.
The feature of PunchEd that will probably make it a big success in the
eyes of programmers is that command text can be included in the same file as
the source code. Goodbye, Make! With the inclusion of a few simple cards at
the beginning of your file you can specify all the processing control you
need. For example, to compile and link your C program, just include the
following:
//MYPROG JOB NAME=HELLO,CLASS=C
//STEP1 EXEC PGM=CC,PARM=(-S,+L)
//INCLUDE DD DSNAME=INCLUDE/STDIO.H,UNIT=DF0,DISP=SHR
//STEP2 EXEC PGM=LN
//STEPLIB DD DSNAME=C.LIB,UNIT=LIB,DISP=SHR
//* start of program
//*
main()
{
printf("hello, world\n");
}
/*
Hobie Orris
--
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: woody1@ihlpa.UUCP
Subject: Minnesota Bashing
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 12 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
Minnesota Slogans
1. I came, I thawed, I transferred....
2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet sleet.
12. Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS
13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota:
Colder, Older, & Fatter.
17. Many are cold, but few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
19. WARNING: You are entering Minnesota,
Please use an alternate route!
20. Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota -
he spends half his life there.
22. Land of 10,000 Petersons.
23. Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
24. Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp
(Where the damn river starts!)
25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks!
26. In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do!
Jeff Janke
AT&T Bell Laboratories
--
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bgm@zorac.UUCP
Subject: Organ Donation
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 12 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
An 80-year old man read in the paper that someone had saved a life by
signing an organ donor card. The man felt this was a noble thing to
do so he called the organ donor organization to see if he could get
a card. Unfortuneatly, he was told that he was too old to donate his
organs when he died. The lady at the organization did tell him that if
he wanted to give life in another way that he could go to the sperm bank
- they take anyone of any age. Rather pleased, the man went to the
sperm bank. After filling out the obligatory forms, the receptionist
gave him a jar and pointed to a little room and said *You can go in
there to donate, thank you*. So the man went in and closed the door and
in a moment the receptionist heard this loud moaning and groaning. She
felt a little embarrassed for the old man but did nothing. The moaning
and groaning continued for 20 minutes and finally she knocked on the door
and asked if the old man was all right.
The old man came out and said, *I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left
hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then I tried it with both hands,
but I can't get the DAMN LID OFF THE JAR!!!
[Original, the author claims.]
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: orr@taux02.UUCP (Orr Michael )
Subject: Old but less common. (OK, I admit, I'm digging here)
Keywords: heard it, racist, chuckle
Date: 13 Sep 88 03:30:05 GMT
Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel
A Jew & a Chinaman (sigh...) are traveling on a train together. After a while,
The jew stand up, and gives the chinaman a tremndous slap.
"what are you doing ?" says the stricken chinese.
"That's for Pearl-Harbour" says the jew. "but I am chinese ! the Japanese were
responsible fopr that!" says the chinese. "Japanese, Chinese, - all the same"
they resume their seats. a while passes.
Then the chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the jew. "hey! what's going on ?"
"that's for the Titanic!" says the chinese. "But the titanic was hit by an
Iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Rosenberg, - All the same"
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: peter@stca77.stc.oz.au (Peter Jeremy)
Subject: I'm going to be a builder when I grow up
Keywords: swearing, rot13, chuckle
Date: 13 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Alcatel-STC, Alexandria, AUSTRALIA
Yvggyr Znegva vf sbhe lrnef byq. Bar qnl juvyr ur jnf crfgrevat uvf
zbgure, fur fnvq "Jul qba'g lbh tb npebff gur fgerrg naq jngpu gur
ohvyqref jbex, znlor lbh jvyy yrnea fbzrguvat".
Znegva jnf tbar nobhg gjb ubhef. Jura ur pnzr ubzr, uvf zbgure nfxrq
uvz jung ur unq yrneag. Znegva ercyvrq - "Jryy svefg lbh chg gur
tbqqnza qbbe hc. Gura gur fba bs n ovgpu qbrfa'g svg fb lbh unir gb
gnxr gur pbpx fhpxre qbja. Gura lbh unir gb funir n phag unve bss rnpu
fvqr naq chg gur zbgure shpxre onpx hc."
Znegva'f zbgure fnvq "Jnvg hagvy lbhe sngure trgf ubzr."
Jura Znegva'f sngure tbg ubzr, Znegva'f zhz gbyq uvz gb nfx Znegva jung
ur unq yrneag gbqnl. Jura Znegva gbyq uvz gur jubyr fgbel, qnq fnvq
"Znegva, tb bhgfvqr naq trg zr n fjvgpu." Znegva ercyvrq "Trg shpxrq.
Gungf gur ryrpgevpvna'f wbo."
--
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mikel@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (Mike Liang)
Subject: Two peanuts were walking down the StrauBe
Keywords: original, chuckle, pun
Date: 13 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: UCLA Computer Science Department
(Here's a stupid chemistry joke I made up in the 8th grade.)
What kind of charge do you get when you mix acid and base
in a chain of electrolytic cells?
A salt and battery.
Mike
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: davidsen@crdos1.UUCP (Wm E. Davidsen)
Subject: Misplaced modifier
Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual
Date: 14 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Heard on PBS last week:
Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year.
--
bill davidsen
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: alj@mtunb.UUCP
Subject: Have I got a deal
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 14 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer.
Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you
any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like."
The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm. . . and what do you want from me?"
Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul."
The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it.
Where's the catch?"
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@uqcspe.oz.au (Brad Broom)
Subject: COBOL programming anyone?
Keywords: funny, true, original
Date: 15 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Computer Science, Queensland Uni, Australia
Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:
An ad in Tuesday's Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)
BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS.......To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month
With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.
Brad Broom
brad@uqcspe.oz
PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook they'd like to part with?
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz.au (Andy Hall)
Subject: Drunken Wanderings
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 15 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
I had an interesting Saturday night. With a group of friends I went to a
Pub to see a rock band. Usual story, loud music, smoke filled room and copious
amounts of Emu Export. Come closing time me and a mate have had enough so ratherthan go nightclubbing in town we decide to catch a taxi home, but the fleet's in
so a cab is either full of marine's spew or horney sailors. It's a clear night
so we decide to hitch back from Herdsmans Park to my home in Scarborough
( about 8 km ), no problem.
But consider this: would you stop for two six foot, more than slightly
drunk uni students in the wee small hours of the morn'? Funny that, nobody else
did either. But with more than half the distance covered and being bitterly coldwe spied food, sanctuary. So we rocked up to the girlie behind the counter and
asked, ( in a druken slurr ) "Do you do home deliveries? One thin ham &
pineapple pizza with garlic bread to be delivered in Scarborough."
And we got home in time to watch "Barbarella" on tele' too.
Andy H. hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz
[ And if they're not home in 30 minutes, it's free. Most taxis don't offer
that sort of guarantee. ]
--
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: The Oneliner file Annual
Keywords: racist, sexist, sexual, chuckle
Date: 16 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Editors Note:
Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have
received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the
buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.
Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own
favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in
the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on
an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.
My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
a bunch.
- *********************************************************************
From: watmath!linus!encore!loverso (John LoVerso)
>From Dave Barry's Annual Tax-time article, Jan 17, Boston Sunday Globe:
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!linus!harvard!src.dec.com!broder (Andrei Broder)
1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the
devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"..
= = = = = = =
From: Kent Paul Dolan <watmath!linus!harvard!xanth.cs.odu.edu!kent>
Heard on National Public Radio:
I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.
= = = = = = =
From: Paul S. R. Chisholm, {ihnp4,cbosgd,allegra,rutgers}!mtune!lznv!psc
In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!linus!harvard!uw-beaver!tc.fluke.COM!dbb (Throat Warbler Mangrove)
A feature is a bug with seniority.
= = = = = = =
From: P. Ryan<watmath!bellcore!bpa!sjuvax!ryan@rutgers.edu>
"How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober
chilren in Africa!!"
= = = = = = =
From: Stan Reeves <gatech!gt-eedsp!sjreeves%gt-eedsp>
Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!cs.utah.edu!u-pgardi%sunset (Phillip Garding)
Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this
particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around.
I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.
Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a
display screen
File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing
all of the work
Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.
MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company
Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!aucs!820785gm (Andrew MacLeod)
Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!
= = = = = = =
From: julian@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Julian Cowley)
Who was the first computer expert ever?
Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!wyse.wyse.com!mikew (Mike Wexler)
[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.
The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to
cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made
them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]
o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.
o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).
o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in
advance.
o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do
the job.
= = = = = = =
From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
(From a recent Newsweek.)
Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:
"I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!ihnp4!ihlpf!rueb>
Subject: what's the difference between kinky and perverted
Kinky is when you use a feather;
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!nicmad!astroatc!philm (Phil Mason)
What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!research!ark>
A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.
(I made this one up)
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!ziebmef!martin (Martin Loeffler)
(from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something))
Guys talking in a bar:
....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with
underwear?
Na. Fits like a glove.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!cbterra.MIS.OH.ATT.COM!sbt (sb tobias)
did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
yeah, he thought it was diet coke.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!att!mtune!poseidon!psrc>
(Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:)
"What causes a bus error?"
"Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!watdcsu.waterloo.edu!broehl (Bernie Roehl)
This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario
Summer courses last week. Don't know the original source.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!csvax.caltech.edu!oxy!nun.of.the.above (Ilan U. Woll)
Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>
(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)
Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>
OK, here's anther from Partyfinger ...
Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the
Alamo?
There were only 2 cars!
= = = = = = =
From: SpIKe <watmath!ecf.toronto.edu!drascic>
Subject: Pope Joke
John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips
to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!wdl1!jtd (Jeffrey T. DeMello)
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
= = = = = = =
From: markh@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Mark William Hopkins)
Subject: Uncited Buddha Sayings
Good things come to those who gain weight
= = = = = = =
From: tektronix!ogcvax!littlei!vasa1!ajw
"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but
they now let him pre-board Air Force One."
-- Dennis Miller
Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
-- anon.
= = = = = = =
From: Phil Regier <watmath!watvlsi!peregier>
Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.
Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller.
--
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bellt@tramp.UUCP
Subject: Sneak Preview
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 19 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
A couple decide to see a movie. They arrive just before show time and
the theater is quite full. As they walk down the aisle and their eyes
adjust to the dim light, they see only a few empty seats. To one side,
they find a man sprawled across three seats. After a nervous pause,
one of them says to the man:
"Excuse me, there are very few seats left, and we would appreciate
it if you would sit up."
The man, rolling his eyes, replies:
"Eeeryarrrgh ooouwaaaah uuummmpphhhhh"
The couple look at each other, and the word "drunk" is in both of
their minds.
They find the manager.
The manager tries:
"Excuse me, sir, you may only use one seat. Please sit up."
The man waves his arms and replies:
"OOOWOWHHHAHHH EEYAYAAARRRGGHHHHH OOOOOOFFFF!"
The manager assumes his drill sergeant attitude:
"Look buddy, I am the manager here. Where is your seat, anyway?"
The man replies:
"AAAAARRRRGH... the balcony ....OOOOOFFFFF"
--
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Subject: Bush joke by Bob Hope
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 19 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Atari (US) Corporation, Sunnyvale, California
There was a "Gala" for George Bush in San Jose yesterday, where the
Governor of California hosted and Bob Hope was one of the speakers. I
heard this quote on the radio (paraphrased then as now):
"George is always prepared, always ready. In fact, He was ready for
Pearl Harbor three months before it happened!"
-- Allan Pratt, Atari Corp.
[ Here's an editor's own contribution! George Bush recently explained
his mistake about Pearl Harbour by stating he was simply practicing for
a job as a U.S. Boxing coach in the Olympics. ]
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: anon@ymous
Subject: She didn't take a shower on the boat
Keywords: funny, sick
Date: 20 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood needed?
A good stroke.
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: izwr008@discg1.UUCP (john desanto)
Subject: Upcoming Summer Olympics
Keywords: topical, racist, offense=Poles, rot13
Date: 20 Sep 88 09:30:06 GMT
Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa
Guerr nguyrgrf jrer fgnaqvat va yvar jnvgvat gb ragre gur Bylzcvp
Ivyyntr. Gur svefg thl vf pneelvat n qvfphf, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur
thneq naq fnlf, "Fbivrg Qvfphf Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur frpbaq thl
vf pneevat n inhygvat cbyr, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur thneq naq fnlf,
"Rnfg Trezna Cbyr Inhygvat Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur guveq thl vf
pneelvat n ebyyrq hc punva-yvax srapr ba uvf fubhyqre, ur jnyxf hc gb
gur thneq naq fnlf, "Cbyvfu Srapvat Grnz". "Cnff."
--
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: dhesi@bsu-cs.UUCP (Rahul Dhesi)
Subject: Gurkhas - the Martial Race
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 20 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
[Edited]
>From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian:
GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE
Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of
Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the
Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect
an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors.
In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much
about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just
in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of
his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being
conducted. The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind
enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched
the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch
the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise,
only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.
Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery,
the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to
run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why
half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned
out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those
who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop.
Hence the low turnout.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mukund Srinivasan Department of Civil Engineering, Johns Hopkins
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: rob@perle.UUCP (Rob McDougall)
Subject: alligators
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 21 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He
walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in
here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was
standing on the tables, looking very nervous.
"But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt
anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man
continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he
stay?".
"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to
have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that al-
ligator is tame!"
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts,
"Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his
fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail.
"Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened
it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.
The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as
the entire bar crowd gasps. "Raplph! Close your mouth, but DON'T
BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of
biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph,
open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide
again.
"There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to
try this?"
A girl in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not
to hit me on the head so hard"
--
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: george@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (John George)
Subject: A Math Teacher's Story
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 21 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer,
and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was
his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math
at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day,
he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive
than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was *very* old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on
to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As
a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and
this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided
to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the
front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat,
he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to
hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really
on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told
us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the
lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least
they looked attentive.
At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the
blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of
the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook,
and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to
go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.
--John C. George
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: treese@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Subject: Quayle bashing
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 22 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
>From a _Boston_Globe_ story, 9/3/88 (paraphrased):
A club in New York has designated every Tuesday night until the election
"Quayle Night".
You get in free if your parents call and make your reservation.
- Win
[ I think that I will now call a halt to further jokes on the Quayle theme,
other than any that might be already queued. Time to give the poor guy a
rest. Of course, if something truly funny comes in ...
But seriously, folks, how about some good NEW Dukakis jokes that are clever,
and rely on something more than his height, eyebrows, ethnicity and funny
sounding name?]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: merlyn@rose3.rosemount.com (Brian Westley)
Subject: Sept. 7th
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, chuckle
Date: 22 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: Rosemount Inc., Burnsville, MN
Don't be too hard on George Bush; he just confused Pearl Harbor Day
(Dec. 7) with Pearl Arbor Day (Sept. 7th), a day when Americans
traditionally plant oyster beds.
Merlyn LeRoy
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum)
Subject: Now I down't even need to check
Keywords: funny, sexual
Date: 23 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
> From Wisconsin Public Radio comes a weekly program called "What'dya Know"
with Michael Feldman. [It's a great show - sort of like PHC with humor :-)]
Each week's program starts with a summary of the "news." A recent one
included:
XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless
cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex.
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: DC@MAZ.MIT.EDU
Subject: Plop plop fizz fizz
Keywords: maybe
Date: 23 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
A modernization of an old poem of unknown (to me) origin:
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Peltzer.
She died while taking an Alka Seltzer.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited 'til it effervesced.
---
Dave Cottingham
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: albert@endor.harvard.edu (David Albert)
Subject: Poor George
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 23 Sep 88 16:39:27 GMT
Organization: Aiken Computation Lab Harvard, Cambridge, MA
"In other news, the first debate between George Bush and
Michael Dukakis has been scheduled for September 25th. We
are surprised Bush agreed to this date, since we thought
he would want to spend Christmas with his family."
--
David Albert
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rog@rtech.UUCP (Roger Taranto)
Subject: Vacation Time
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 26 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
-Roger
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mmt%dretor@zorac.UUCP
Subject: Sun's super RISC machine
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 27 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
>From "The Sun Times" Sept 88:
In CICS (Complex Instruction Computing Set) machines, the microcode
engine requires five to ten clock cycles per instruction; the goal
of RISC machines is to reduce the number of clock cycles per second
to one or less.
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: alj@mtunb.UUCP
Subject: People just love Nancy
Keywords: heard it, sexual, offense=Republicans, rot13
Date: 27 Sep 88 09:30:04 GMT
Anapl Erntna vf gur pryroevgl pbagrfgnag ba Cnffjbeq.
Vg'f ure ghea gb thrff gur jbeq.
Ibvpr Bire: Naq gur cnffjbeq vf. . . oynpx qvpx!
Anapl: Hz. . . vf vg n cynpr?
Ure cnegre: Ab.
Anapl: Vf vg n crefba?
Ure cnegare: Ab.
Anapl: Uzz, gura vg zhfg or n guvat. Hz, vf vg fbzrguvat V zvtug jnag gb rng?
Ure cnegare, rknfcrengrq: Jryy, V qhaab, znlor.
Anapl: Vf vg oynpx qvpx?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: psi@tahoe.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)
Subject: Preying Mantis Syndrome
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 27 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: University of Nevada Reno
The Preying Mantis Syndrome
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem
very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his
family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal
behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms
are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become
stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some
courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. The
female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids
the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and
female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male
establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays,
and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then
files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid
home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just
eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is
carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week
out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the
head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: scott@ubvax.UUCP (Scott Scheiman)
Subject: Age Old Joke?
Keywords: funny
Date: 28 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's
down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck!
What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her,
trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you
play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back
to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying
limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29,
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
"Ribbit!" Scott Scheiman (408) 562-5572 Ungermann-Bass, Inc.
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brett@hpsrbkc.UUCP (Brett K. Carver)
Subject: WW II joke
Keywords: swearing, funny
Date: 28 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
This comes from a box of my Dad's stuff from World War II. I
transcribed it as accurately as I could from the original yellowed memo
(I fixed a few spelling errors, but left any wording errors as they were).
Brett Carver
Hewlett-Packard
hplabs!hpnmd!brett
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADQUARTERS
LAST U.S. ARMY
APO 001. U.S. ARMY
AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944
SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S.
TO : All Units.
1. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas
it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the
American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all
individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will
undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his
application for return.
2. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination
course:-
a. In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young
ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as
stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current
practice they should not be approached with "How much?". A proper greeting is
"Isn't it a lovely day?" or "Have you ever been to Chicago?". Then say "How
much?".
b. A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light
tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is
proper to say "I'll be there shortly". DO NOT say "Blow it out your _____".
c. A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantolopes,
fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in
appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If
you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly "Please
pass the butter". DO NOT say "Threw me the godam grease".
d. Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found
necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the
other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room
called the "Bathroom", i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub,
wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use
in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the
operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves
to prepare the device for reuse).
e. In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from
using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are
furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to
squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The
host usually will provide suitable seats.
f. Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you
should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper
remark is "Excuse me". DO NOT say "It must be that lousy chew we've been
getting".
g. American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a
separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef
and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be
refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable.
h. Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage
on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or
gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not
usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for
serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease.
i. The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from
those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette
and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as "I believe you have made a
mistake", or "I am afraid you are in error on that". DO NOT say "Brother,
you're really f----d up". This is considered impolite.
j. Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat
misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to
one's host and say "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?".
DO NOT say "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat".
k. In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often
necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost
anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you
can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The
present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the
yard and taking over the premises will cease.
l. Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social
occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle
> from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are
cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances.
m. In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required.
In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under
80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in
front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him
across the back of the head and say "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn
thing".
n. It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian
clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons.
Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him.
o. Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed.
(Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after
all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments,
should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to
them. A casual remark such as "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually
suffice. Under NO circumstances say "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in
a get-up like that?".
p. Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to
urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to
accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings
for this purpose.
q. Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available,
and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth.
r. Always tip your hat before striking a lady.
s. Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it
is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to
hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cooked, when talking to civilians in the
street.
t. Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities.
When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the
nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is
particularly true in heavily populated areas.
u. All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to
the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as
inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the
uniform will be promptly dealt with.
For the Commanding General:
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jans@stammer.GVS.TEK.COM (Jan Steinman)
Subject: Modern Times
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 29 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
What's the difference between the 80's and the 50's?
In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some
condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."
:::::: Jan Steinman
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jester@jessica.stanford.edu (Perry Friedman)
Subject: Mathematician/engineer jokes
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 30 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Stanford University
There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is
a physicist and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home
plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the
dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out.
The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em"
The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are"
And the mathemrtician says "He's out because I called him out"
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: Last year's news
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle
Date: 30 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14, 1987:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are
3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee
clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a
scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's
150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or
narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance
scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
----------------------------------------------------
Excerpted from the Redwood City Times:
The huge Shell Oil Co. toxic waste trial scheduled to gear up in San Bruno this
fall has produced reams and reams of paper. So many, in fact, that the San
Mateo County Clerk's office has partitioned off a room where two clerks do
nothing but sort and file all those stacks of paper.
They've named their space the "Shell Oil Control Center" and posted a sign
outside: "Life is Shell, and then you die."
----------------------------------------------------
Heard on KABC, a survey was taken at some high school on how the students felt
about contraceptives being advertised on television.
66% were in favor of it.
26% were against it.
8% said that regardless of the commercial, Pres. Reagan should still send aid
to
them.
Henry Cate III
--
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rob@idec.stc.co.uk (P.Robinson)
Subject: computer follies
Keywords: funny, original
Date: 2 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: STC Network Systems, Stevenage, UK
[ Recently in comp.misc, users started describing how they had put floppies
through their paces, and yet still found them readable. Some folks decided
the discussion got out of hand, and I enjoyed this one. ]
That reminds me of the time , a few years ago when I left home with my 5"
master floppy in my pocket. Suddenly a gust of wind blew it into the road
where it was run over by a passing millitary parade and it ended up in
a patch of quick-drying cement.
When I retrieved it the cement had set so I took it home to recover as I'd lost
the backup some days previously. I chiselled off the cement from the disc but
then my friend came along and suggested that, as the disc was 'dead', we should
see how much damage it could take.
We nailed it to the ceiling, and hung the cat from it, then used it at a dart-
board, incidentally did you know that if you're a good aim, a dart will exactly fit through the index hole? By now the disc was a little bit grubby so we care-fully opened the black jacket, removed the disc and washed it in boiling water,
making good use of the brillo pads. After drying it with my blowtorch I tried
it in my disc drive.
Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a wisp of smoke slowly rose from theslot. grabbing the disc and stamping out the flames I realised I had placed it in my toaster instead of a drive. I found a 3" drive but unfortunately the discwouldn't fit so I had to cut off the edges until it did. Tentatively I tried toboot and...
Imagine my surprise when it worked! all my files were readable, except for the
ones stored in the bits I cut off to make it fit the drive.
This really happened. I concluded that it only went to show.
Has this happened to anyone else?
[ Don't send me your own attempts. There were many imitations in comp.misc ]
--
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