💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › jokes.001 captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:35:00.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
On the subject of a person's sanity
-----------------------------------
His elevator does not go all the way to the top.
She's not playing with a full deck.
He's only got one oar in the water.
She's got a screw loose somewhere.
He's not wrapped to tight.
Her clutch slips sometimes.
Ya know ... like ... all his dogs aren`t on the same leash.
She's got bats in her belfry.
He's a few bricks short of a full load.
She dosen't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
He's your basic lights on, nobody home kinda guy.
Her tree is missing some branches
He's about a quart low.
Her flag flaps upwind
He's a charter member of the out-to-lunch bunch.
Her top shelf's missing a few books
He tends to loose arguments with himself.
On fat or ugly
--------------
And she knew she was too fat the day the policeman walked up to her
on the street and said, "OK Lady, break it up!"
He's so fat, he needs port and starboard running lights.
She's ugly enough to make a freight train take a gravel road.
He's so ugly he has to sneak up on a clock.
She's so fat, she's gotta wear stripes so they can tell if she's walking
or rolling.
He's so ugly March of Dimes used him as poster child for birth control!
She's got a starboard list
On incompetence
---------------
He's about as useless as a one legged man at an ass-kickin'.
If brains was dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.
He makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
She's about as usefull as tits on a bull.
Him 'an a box of rocks got a lot in common.
She's sharper than a basketball, sort of.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map
She couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written
on the heel.
He couldn't pee a hole in the snow.
She could get in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent and loose.
As if being a half-wit wasn't bad enough, he has to be the wrong half.
---
You've heard of MADD, SAD, etc., ....
Have you heard of DAM?
..... That's Mothers Against Dyslexia.
---
A QUALITY FAIRYTALE
-------------------
Once a long time ago, in a Corporation far away, there were 5 employees. They
were called Quality, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody, and Everybody. Everybody was
the "Boss" of the Corporation. Quality was a hard-working and honest fellow
and Everybody believed in Quality's job. Anybody was a well trained and
capable individual (Everybody was always saying "Anybody can do that job!")
but somewhat hard to locate (I can't find Anybody to do that job!). Nobody
was the most junior member and tended to get all the unimportant jobs. In
fact, Somebody (who was a general, all-around nice person) usually got the
jobs that Nobody wanted. Somebody was by far the most useful employee in the
Corporation (like Anyone will tell you, "Everybody needs Somebody sometime").
It came to pass that Quality got offered a better job in a far away place
and left the Corporation. So Quality's job became vacant.
Everybody naturally decided that Anybody could do Quality's job. Somebody
pointed out to Everybody that even though Anybody was very capable, he was at
best unreliable. Everybody grudgingly agreed and took over Quality's job
himself. As it turned out, Everybody soon found himself too busy to do
Quality's job (and besides it often led to Quality vs. Schedule conflicts).
Everybody made an executive decision and delegated Quality's job to Somebody.
The peace in the Corporation was shattered when it was discovered that Nobody
was doing Quality's job. Everybody was shocked and angry and decided to call
a meeting to find out what had happened. Everybody went around muttering that
"Somebody should be fired."
At the meeting, Everybody said that Anybody was free to comment on the subject
but as it turned out Nobody did. Everybody then asked Somebody to explain
what happened. Somebody worked up his courage and told his story. "Quality's
job can be done by Anybody but because he's unreliable, Everybody agreed to do
it. Everybody found himself too busy so he delegated Quality's job to me. I
quickly found out that although Everybody feels Quality's job is important,
he's not really interested so I decided to delegate the job to him. That's how
Nobody ended up doing Quality's job."
Everybody was furious... "How dare you do such a thing, without even telling me
about it. Anybody will tell you that you can't delegate the job of Quality."
Somebody stood his ground saying, "I only followed your example in delegating
Quality's job." Nobody snickered. Everybody went red with anger and
embarrassment and said, "Why can't I find Anybody to take responsibility for
Quality's job?" Somebody shot back, "Why should Anybody be responsible for a
job that Nobody is doing?" At last report, Anybody and Everybody were still
arguing about who should do Quality's job.
The moral of this long and twisted tale is this:
"Even though Quality's job can be done by Anybody, Everybody must do it.
If everybody tries to dump Quality's job on Somebody, then Nobody ends up
doing it. All this will make Everybody very angry and Somebody might lose
their job".
Also, when you decide to define Quality's job, make sure that....
(1) Anybody can understand what's expected
(2) Somebody is actually "doing" it
(3) Everybody is responsible for it
(4) Nobody is left out of it
--
Self-Improvement Workshops
Creative Suffering
Overcoming Peace of Mind
Guilt Without Sex
The Primal Shrug
Ego Gratification through Violence
Holding Your Childs Attention through Guilt and Fear
Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression
Whine Your Way to Alienation
How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
Sex and the Single 6th Grader
You and Your Birthmark
Business and Career Workshops
Money Can Make You Rich
Talking Good: How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job
I Made $100 in Real Estate
Packaging and Selling Your Child: A Parents guide to the Porn Market
Career Opportunities in Iran
How to Profit from Your Own Body
Under-Achievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
Tax Shelters for the Indigent
Looters Guide to American Cities
Home Economics Workshops
How You Can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator
Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
Sinus Drainage at Home
101 Other Uses for Your Vacuum Cleaner
The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
What to do with Your Conversion Kit
Health and Fitness Workshops
Creative Tooth Decay
Exorcism and Acne
The Joys of Hypochondria
High Fiber Sex
Suicide and Your Health
Bio-Feedback and How to Stop It
Skate Your Way to Regularity
Understanding Your Nudity
Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
Optional Body Functions
Craft Workshops
Self-Actualization Through Macrame
How to Draw Genitalia
Needlecraft for Junkies
Cuticle Crafts
Mobiles and Collages with Fetishes
Gifts for the Senile
Bonsai Your Pet
Approved for Recertification
-----------
list of oxymorons
>
>>"Happily Married"
advanced basic
airline food
american culture
athletic scolarship
black light
brave politician
busines ethics
central intelligence (agency)
cerrful pessimist
chili (the country and the food)
communist party (talk about fun!)
corporate planning
covert U.S. operations in Central America
Creationist Science
Definite Maybe
Fallout shelter
good telivision (shows)
high school education
honest crook
honest politician
house ethic committee
innocent women
jumbo shrimp
justice burger
justice system (ouch!)
libertarian organization
liberty federation
limited nuclear war
logical thought
long-island expressway
management science
military intelligence (sorry for all the duplications... eh?)
moral majority
never generalize!!
New democartic party
Nimitz freeway
non-alcoholic beer
plastic glasses?
postal service (ha ha ha)
pratical logic
president reagan
progressive conservative
rapid transit
resident visitor
same difference
social security
student athlete
super bowl (Xx = yawn!)
sweet sorrow
terribly pleased
union craftsman
united nations
wise fool
-----
An out-of-work salesman was once again pestering the manager of a
local haberdashery for a job. The manager was tired of the persistent
whining, so he made him a deal. "Look," he says to the salesman,
"I'm going to lunch for about an hour. You see that suit in the corner?"
The salesman gulped and replied, "Uh, the purple, yellow, and green
one?" The manager said, "That's the one. If you can sell that suit
while I'm gone to lunch, you get the job. If you don't sell it, you
don't bother me about a job ever again. Deal?" The salesman was
desperate, so he agreed. The manager went to lunch secure in the
knowledge he had gotten rid of this pest once and for all.
Upon his return from lunch, the salesman comes running up to him,
exclaiming, "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" But the salesman
is a mess! His clothes are torn, his face is scratched and bleeding,
he's in terrible shape. The manager looks at him wryly and says,
"Did the customer put up that much of a fight?" To which the salesman
replies:
"No, but his seeing eye dog sure was pissed!"
------
You want to quit? You've got to quit! We've got a method
that is guaranteed. A lot of companies advertise hoaxes--silly
pills, records to listen to while you sleep, hypnosis, acupuncture--
don't be fooled! You can stop! And for just $179.95!
This is just what you've been waiting for... The Black & Decker
Table Saw! Just slide your hands over it, and you'll never pick
up a cigarette again.
Listen to these happy customers:
Morton Mumford: "The B&D Table Saw has changed my life!"
Suzie Snodgrass: "I quit smoking in 2.3 seconds!"
Johnny Jumper: "I didn't think it would work, but one
treatment was all it took!"
Danny Dingbat: "I haven't touched a cigarette since!"
Order now and receive absolutely free, the Black & Decker
Soldering Iron/Cauterizing Kit! Supplies are limited,
so order now!
Send $179.95 to
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Q. What do you get when a grand piano falls down a mine shaft ?
A. A Flat Minor
Q. What happened when the flat miner fell into a grand piano?
A. He just picked out a tune.
Q. What did the other miners yell down the shaft before the
grand piano fell?
A. B sharp or B flat!
An addition to the no arms/no legs file:
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you use to
open a door?
A: Jimmy.
Down in South Joisey there's a jernt owned by... well, by certain
undisclosed individuals needing a channel by which moneys can be
introduced into respectable commerce. The manager approaches Joe,
the bandleader, early one evening.
"Listen, Joe, Big Louie's comin' in later and he wants... he
wants to sing."
"Hey, man, we been playin' here every night for fourteen years.
You oughta know don't nobody sing wit' us."
"Joe, I'm talking about *Big Louie*. You get me?"
"Oh, okay, boss. Whaddaya want us to do?"
"You know `Strangers in the Night', right?"
"Hey, you know we play that every night for the last fourteen years..."
"Okay, but he wants you to do it in (pause) 5/4."
"That's *ridiculous*! ... Well, okay..."
So ten o'clock rolls around and sure enough, there's this big guy at the
door with these other two big guys. He walks straight to the stage,
says to Joe, "You know what to do, right?"
"Riiight."
Grabs the microphone...
(Long pause for suspense)
[Sing this part in 5/4]
"Strangers in da fuckin' night,
Exchangin' fuckin' glances,
Strangers in da fuckin' night..."
Well, maybe ya hadda be there.
IS ENGLISH THE HARDEST LANGUAGE OF ALL?
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
Well done! And now if you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead--
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up--and goose and choose,
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.
Heard at a party:
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he recieved a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own
a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding
computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at
all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was
much more better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview,
the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man
was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing
contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked "Wow! That's quite
perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You
can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any f*cking ears!"
-Bill Semanczuk
--
Subject: some do's and don't do's for all you travellers
< Signs of our times >
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.