💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › darksucker.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:32:03.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES
Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)
Updated 8/7/88 W0PN
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to
believe they were in business to supply electricity to the
consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The
recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known
power company has led to a massive research campaign which
positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax
which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs
emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb
DARK which is then transported back to the power generation
stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been
coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker
theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the
fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle
(the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe.
Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not
suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT,
LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now
proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs
suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where
you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the
darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited
range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field
have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home,
for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate
on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense
dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark
space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the
planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those
planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from
the Sun.
Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those
conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun.
Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only
recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks
of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such
an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This
leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with
radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the
dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via
the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime
caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at
transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the
wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the
device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no
longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the
black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum
capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that
dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer
has the capacity to suck any dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns
black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the
tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing
into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an
electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no
transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate
because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs
in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage
unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced
before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you
break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside,
evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.