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0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:30:47 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 1
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had
progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and
cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men
in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers
in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had
cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people
in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the
job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the
U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are
10 million people in the market for a job."
------------------------------------------------------------
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!"
Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!"
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
A. Yes.
Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart?
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Programmes are the magic spells cast over computers that
make them turn one's input into error messages...
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:32:46 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 2
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
------------------------------------------------------------
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told
he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist
Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon.
Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found
Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell
was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives ..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.
------------------------------------------------------------
A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the
counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!".
------------------------------------------------------------
There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a
fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a
seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't
trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him
twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This
time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy.
This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells
him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been
right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his
shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:32:54 EST
From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 3
"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.
------------------------------------------------------------
As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds down
the window and says to her
"I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she will
get into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Lada!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator?
A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes!
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went
to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor
was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!"
and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition
improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway,
one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i
gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who
can't swim, grab a table...."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:01 EST
From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 4
One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in
the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into
the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green,
a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to
the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't
bring you next time."
------------------------------------------------------------
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prarie one day. The Lone
Ranger, says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this
mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says
to the Lone Ranger "Buffalo come." the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do
you know?", Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
------------------------------------------------------------
Gladstone: "You will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous
disease!"
Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your
mistress!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the oldest airline company?
A: FINNAIR: when Jesus went to heaven, He didn't ascend on a cloud,
He just vanished in FINNAIR.
------------------------------------------------------------
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent
on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with
a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how
smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right
passed the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped
next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's
ear, and made his way on again.
This pisses-off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to
the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will
speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see
the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him,
leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying:
"I thought I told you to fuck off."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:12 EST
From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 5
Man walks into a Moscow Lada dealership and signs up for a Lada.
Customer: When will it be delivered?
Dealer: 1996.
Customer: What month?
Dealer (after looking up book): April.
Customer: What day?
Dealer (after looking up book): 12th.
Customer: What time?
Dealer (now getting pissed off): What time?! It's in 6 years time and
you ask what time. Why?
Customer: I've got a plumber coming in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------------
A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a
salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making
a hire purchase agreement?''
``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP
application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the
bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
``What are these crosses?''
``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc Agriculture'.''
------------------------------------------------------------
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
------------------------------------------------------------
It was in africa, and a camera crew has been assigned to get coverage
of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in
the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree.
The guy says to them, "Just wait here, i'll be right back". He climbs
the tree, wrestles with the gorilla for a while, then throws it to the
ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal, and
has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the
van, and the get to a medium sized tree, with a medium sized gorilla,
and the same thing happens. Then they're driving along, and there is
a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it, and the man
hands the camera-man a gun. "What's this for?" the camera man asks.
"Well, there's a small chance that i might lose the battle here, and
if i do... Shoot the dog..."
------------------------------------------------------------
It's Good Friday and Jesus is getting crucified on top of the hill. Down
at the bottom are Peter, Mary, and the rest of his gang.
Suddenly Jesus moans: "Peter, Peter...".
Peter runs up to the top of the hill (pant, pant) saying, "Yes Lord, what is
it Lord?".
Just as he reaches the top, a roman soldier lashes out and chops his right
arm off, then kicks him all the way back to the bottom.
After several minutes, Jesus moans again: "Peter... Peter...".
Peter quickly runs up the hill, saying "Yes Lord, what's the matter Lord?",
"Peter... Peter... I can see your house from here... "
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:20 EST
From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 6
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted
two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.
The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued
their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a
halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" The driver
shouted at them. "You could have been killed." The man stood up and faced
the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," He
panted, "And you were the only one with brakes."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two boys arguing on the sidewalk:
My dad's smarter than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom!
Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too.
------------------------------------------------------------
A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar.
He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second
passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF
YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?". A huge man-mountain
stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy
looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry"
------------------------------------------------------------
The same cowboy rides into another town, goes into a bar, has a beer,
walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the
bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS
STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M
GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside,
and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of
town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner,
what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to
bloody walk home..."
------------------------------------------------------------
You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When
---------------------------------------------
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.....................
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.............
You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office..
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of
................................................................the city.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two hell's angels..
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
..............................................grapefruit down the toilet.
You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead
............................................................of deodorant.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture................
Your husband says "good morning Mary"..........and your name is Sharon.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight
....and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
Your doctor tells you you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from you mastercard to pay your visa.........
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
You compliment the boss'es wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't
.............................................................wearing any.
People think you are 40............................and you really are.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar
................................................................is yours.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate,
I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics.
I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task;
I would have to have you all killed.
-- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:30 EST
From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 7
My favorite exam mistake is:
The Hydra moves by swinging its testicles
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he is about to land?
A: The lead goes slack!
------------------------------------------------------------
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants
less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small?
A: Handcuffs only stretch so far.
------------------------------------------------------------
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
The reason computer chips are so small
is that computers don't eat much.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:23 EST
From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 8
Did you know that 4 out of 10 accidents are caused by drunk drivers?
Therefore you have less chance of getting into an accident if you're
driving drunk then if driving sober.
------------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman got an audience with the pope. He said: "Hey father
have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who______." "My son," said the
pope, I'm Polish!" The salesman thought for a minute, then said: "Okay,
I'll tell it very slowly..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys walked slowly, enjoying the nice weather, on a huge glacier.
Then suddenly one of the guys fell into a deep hole in the ice.
"We're gonna get some help!" one of the others said.
Then the two men walked away to find help.
After several miles, they met the Red Cross, and they
agried to save their comrad.
Eventually they found him, and shouted down:
"Hey! This is the Red Cross!"
And he replied: "I am already a supporter, thank you!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Kentucky Fried Chicken publicity department comes up with a new way to
promote sales. Change the words of the Lord's prayer to read:
"Give us each day our daily CHICKEN..."
They arrange an audience with the pope to propose the change. Naturally
the pope is luke-warm to the idea, so to sweeten the deal the Kentucky
Fried representative offers to make a large contribution to the catholic
church.
The pope once again considers the proposal and rejects it. The Kentucky
Fried rep now proposes to feed the starving millions and make an even
larger contribution to the church. Now the pope is interested but
that he must get the approval of the Vatican council first.
So at the next meeting of the bishops the pope starts off the meeting:
"I have some good news, and some bad news."
"The bad news is that we will be losing the Wonder Bread account....."
------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fuzz was whooping it up in college,
he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance ap-
proached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no
John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said,
"I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied
Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do
what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Engineering induction: if it works for n = 1, 2, and 3,
that's good enough for me".
-- Ric Hehner
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:27 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 9
Cheer Up... Here's Your Horrorscope
AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again.
People think you are stupid.
PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are
a communist.
GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.
VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall
asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make
good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks
or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.
------------------------------------------------------------
A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When
the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in
the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for
a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make
$100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to
do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of
them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs,
then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the
phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?"
The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid
responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this
555-3724?"
------------------------------------------------------------
There were two young brothers talking in their backyard waiting for their
mother to make them lunch. One is four the other is three.
4: "I'm getting pretty old now, I think I can start cussing."
3: "Oh yeah?"
4: "Yeah, I think I am going to start saying 'damn' whenever I feel like it."
3: "You know what?"
4: "What?"
3: "I think I am getting pretty old, I'm going to start cussing too."
4: "Oh yeah? what are you going to say?"
3: "I'm going to say 'ass'"
Then their mother calls them in for lunch.
The mother asks the four year old: "What do you want for lunch?"
4: "Oh, damn, I think I'll have some spaghetti-o's"
At this point, the mother was aghast. She quickly took the four year old by
the ear to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, spanked him and put
him in his room and slammed the door.
She returned to the kitchen and asked the three year old: "What do you want
for lunch?"
3: "I don't know mom, but you can bet your ass it wont be spaghetti-o's!!!'
------------------------------------------------------------
During his visit to the US pope John Paul II had a meeting with a senator.
The senator asked the pope, "Your Holiness, how do you find our
country?"
The pope replied "I love it! It's a wonderful country! Friendly
people, blessed with an abundance of natural resources..." and so on and
so forth.
The senator continued, "Is there anything about our country that you
- don't* like? I am, after all a United States senator, and maybe I could
change some things."
The pope thought a while, and said "Now that you mention it, there are two
things about your country that I do not like".
The senator asked, "What are they? Maybe I can help."
The pope answered, "The first thing I don't like about your country is
the large number of Polish jokes told. They make my countrymen out to
be a bunch of idiots!"
The senator said, "I have a solution for that! When I get back to
Washington, I'll get together with some of my Senate colleagues and
we'll pass a bill, which I'm sure will become law, that will make it a
Federal crime to tell a Polish joke, and anyone caught telling a Polish
joke will be fined fifty dollars. How do you like that?"
The pope replied "Great idea! I love it!"
The senator asked "Now why don't you tell me the second thing
you don't like about the US? Maybe I can do something about it as well."
The pope answered "M & M's."
The senator, a bit confused, asked "M & M's??? What's not to like about
M & M's???"
The Pope replied "They're hard to peel!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:39 EST
From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 10
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
"I've never come this way before."
Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
------------------------------------------------------------
A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work
one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in
the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the
men manages to ask the woman her name.
"Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!"
Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie,
looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get
to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice.
After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of
Bernice's operation.
So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful
thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?"
Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful
thing."
So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst
part was when they cut your balls off, right?"
"No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the
worst part either."
Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most
painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?"
And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half
my brain!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender,
and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the
man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The
drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The
bartender paid, and the man left.
The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous
day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my
left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the
bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his
false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up.
The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the
bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back.
I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the
other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and
piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass.
The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100
back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his
bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk
simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!"
The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars.
The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your
money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy
at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't
care!"
------------------------------------------------------------
In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites of
passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set consisted of
three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause, 2) Go out in the
forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a woman.
When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no trouble
at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came back three
days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several wounds. Then
he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?"
------------------------------------------------------------
The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on
the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope."
Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus.
"I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?"
Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell."
Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said.
So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you
know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell."
And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit,"
the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's
the pope, you know him?"
"Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria
pregnant. Send him to hell".
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Cache is, by definition, a compromise."
-- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute
"Yes, Cache is a compromise. Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light."
-- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:07 EST
From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 11
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up
next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at
the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off
and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a
sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the
Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few
seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little
irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he
floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there
would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the
rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to
find out what that scooter really is and slams on his breaks. Then the scooter
crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the
scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could
go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter...
The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on
your side mirror...."
------------------------------------------------------------
Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking:
"Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear!
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.
------------------------------------------------------------
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Military Specifications.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
In English, every word can be verbed.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:12 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 12
I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep.
Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission:
E. GOPHER-IT
Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents
with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration
and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents
up to 100 feet in diameter.
Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.
#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)
I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the
nuclear powered version.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a T-shirt on a recent trip to Cancun, Mexico:
HE'S DEAD JIM
QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER!
I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET!
------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a Hollywood bar,
Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".
Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".
------------------------------------------------------------
Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?
(Pause for thought)
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:17 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 13
"My wife just got pregnant... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
------------------------------------------------------------
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Popeye beat the shit out of him!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Stupid commercial.
Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in
America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
A: Indiana.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Justice: A decision in your favor.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:25 EST
From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 14
The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to
designate school-free drug zones.
------------------------------------------------------------
Someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere:
Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A week or so later someone else tacked on:
Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel.
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a
policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"
The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly?
Anonymous Secretary: They don't have to answer the phone.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and
you shoot them both in cold blood.
Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but
you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source
Lines of Code:
"Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This
inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and
now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise."
-- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:31 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 15
Medical Terminology for the Layman
------------------------------------
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section -- A district in Rome
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Dilate -- To live longer
Fester -- Quicker
G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe -- A suitcase
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
Minor Operation -- Coal digging
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Organic -- Musical
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Serology -- Study of English knighthood
Tablet -- A small table
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!"
------------------------------------------------------------
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:01 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 16
A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The
sausage says ``It's hot in here, isn't it!'', and the bacon replies
``Wow! A talking sausage!''.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it good to have Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You can hide your own Easter Eggs!
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and sits down on the barstool.
"Hey, barthendther, gifth me a beeer."
The bartender walks over with a tall cool one,
"Here'sth your beeer."
The other guy sits up straight,
"Heey, you're imithating mee."
"No, I talk thith way too."
"Okay, I guesth itth okay."
Later a big burly guy walks in and sits down at the other end of the bar.
"Yo, ba-tender. Gimme a beer."
The bartender responds,
"One beer comin' up, man."
The little guy gets ticked off and yells,
"Heey, you were imithathing mee!!"
The bartender comes over close and replies,
"No, I wasth imithathing the other guy."
------------------------------------------------------------
A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar.
Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red?
Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black, has two legs, and flies?
A: A bird.
Q: What's black, has four legs and flies?
A: Two pairs of trousers.
Q: What's black, has four wheels and flies?
A: A dustcart.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:08 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 17
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Eating a steak dinner in a nice restaurant near Sydney.
The waiter approaches.
Waitor: "How's your meat?"
Me: : "Just fine."
Waitor: "And how about the steak?"
------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him:
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit happens.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the couple stop after three children?
A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a definition of an orgy?
A: A party where everyone comes.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain."
-- Joe Bak
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:23 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 18
"I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs
collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Man A: So how was your honeymoon?
Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said
to my wife "You are wonderful, here is $100".
Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought her as
a hooker.
Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "Here is your
change".
------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: (Seriously ill) Before I die, I want to tell you the truth.
You know our 6 children ... the youngest son, he ...
Husband: I know you want to say he is not my son, well that is ok,
I can forgive you about that.
Wife: No, he is your son, but the other 5 children are not.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that
glorious black eye, me lad?"
Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I
was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father
walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing,
cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be
tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."
"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:25 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 19
Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an
Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the
water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency.
The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was
helping her to heat up the bedroom.
About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady
told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour,
but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at
seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue
where we left off?"
"Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they
took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with
delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a
hole in it!"
"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer
fifteen year."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Jesus NOT born in Poland?
A: God couldn't find 3 wise men!
------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a young priest in St. John's, Newfoundland, finds himself in the
situation of having to hear confessions. He has never done this before,
and so he is given a list of what to give out as penance. A woman comes
into the confessional and begins: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies: "What is your sin, my child?" "I have told lies", she
says. The priest consults his list and sees that the required penance is
two Hail Mary's. "Anything else, my child?", he says. "Father, I've committed
fellatio," she replies. The priest scans the list and panics because he
cannot find fellatio! He sticks his head out of the door of the confessional
and sees an alter boy passing by. "Quick, what does Father Brown give for
fellatio?" he asks. The boy replies: "Ten dollar."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came
across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally
getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it
turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and
ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told
his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of
the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male,
and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell
me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready
to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.k.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off.
Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found
the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate
my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in
the male."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:36 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 20
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A. Yoghurt has a real live culture.
------------------------------------------------------------
N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the
old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist
and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did
when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers
with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a
shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I
haven't seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it
would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them
in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the
last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ...
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a
boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned
for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was
driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the
window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the
tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.
------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged
about forever."
-- button at the Boston Computer Museum
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:40 EST
From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 21
Question on an application form for a newspaper:
5. You have the choice of saving a drowning man or getting a
Pulitzer Prize winning photograph. What type of film would you use?
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a wealthy Jewish (non-Christian) who owned a nail company.
His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to
get him involved in the company.
He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments;
first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in
each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his
offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising
campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any
and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal.
The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he
and his father went out to examine the first product of the new
campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked
until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the
corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on
a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a
cross as it might offend their christian clients. Dejected, the son
said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and
took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no
longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the
caption read:
"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
------------------------------------------------------------
A senior pilot was explaining his emergency equipment to some cadets
touring a US Air Force base. He showed them his parachute, emergency
radio, signal mirror and other survival items. A cadet noticed a pack
of playing-cards and asked what they were for.
"Oh," replied the pilot, "these are my last resort. If nothing else
works and nobody comes to the rescue, I take these, lay out a game of
patience and wait. In a few minutes someone will be looking over
my shoulder saying, 'No - put that card over there.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between 2 Jehova's witnesses and a Lada?
A: You can shut the door on 2 Jehova's witnesses.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
-The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:44 EST
From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 22
"Kidnapped in Lebanon!! How many time have I heard THAT excuse!! Do you
realize that all but 3 of your students have dropped your classes!?!"
------------------------------------------------------------
The way things are moving in Europe these days, it appears that
very soon there will be just 8 countries in Europe. There will
be one United Europe and seven independent Yugoslavian republics.
------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and
a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold avon.
One day the lady was walking down a street selling her avon when
she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell.
In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a
bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring.
"There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out
of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around
his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door.
But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell
off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car
coming down the road hit her and she died.
Moral: Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing.
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is zipping along the road at a very quick pace (i.e. > 55) and she's
pulled over by a cop. As the cop gets out of his car the woman "gets set"
for her encounter by unbuttoning her blouse a bit, fixing her hair etc.
When the officer gets to her car she says "I know officer, you want me to buy
a ticket to the policemen's ball".
The cop answers "No ma'am I'm a state trooper. We have no balls."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged
about forever."
-- button at the Boston Computer Museum
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:54 EST
From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 23
ABOUT AS ...
HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger
INTERESTING as watching paint dry
INTERESTING as watching grass grow
OBVIOUS as a dog's dick
POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower
USELESS as a condom to a eunuch
WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool
WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah
SHARP as a bowling ball
------------------------------------------------------------
He: "Your birthday is coming up, so i'd like some idea of what you'd like
for your birthday."
She: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
He: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens?
To keep your hands warm when your pushing them.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof?
A skip.
------------------------------------------------------------
A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR,
which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains:
``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!''
Complains the JAGUAR driver:
``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!''
Says the LADA driver:
``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new
one!''
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?''
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source
Lines of Code:
"Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This
inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and
now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise."
-- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:56 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 24
What is the difference between LADA and AIDS?
You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.
------------------------------------------------------------
How can you double the worth of a LADA ?
By filling its gasoline tank.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a LADA so handy during the Finnish winter ?
You don't need safety belts - you freeze tightly to the seat.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do they give away free TVs with Ladas?
So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come
and fix it.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the smallest part in LADA ?
The owners brain.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop
(seen on a wall in Down by law)
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:59 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 25
What do you call a LADA with a turbo?
A Skoda.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Lada?
A scrap dealer.
------------------------------------------------------------
What does a Lada buyer do to look sophisticated?
Wear dark glasses.
But how do you tell the Lada buyer from all the other people with
dark glasses?
He's the one with the white stick..
------------------------------------------------------------
What is 200 metres long and eats cabbage?
A Polish meat queue.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two Polish peasants are loitering by the side of the road one day when a
tourist pulls up in his car. He winds down the window and asks: "Do you speak
English?". The peasants both shrug their shoulders. The tourist then tries
"Parlez vous Francais?". Again the peasants plainly don't understand. The
tourist then shows off his skill by trying German, Russian, Italian, and
Spanish, but each time to no avail. Finally he drives off in disgust. One
peasant comments (in Polish): "It must be wonderful to be able to speak so
many languages." But the other retorts: "Pah! Look how far it got him!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
My favorite palindrome:
Opening the door slowly, he saw three people elpo epeerht was ehylwol
sroode htgninepo.
-- Ken Johnson
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:03 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 26
English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.
------------------------------------------------------------
An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what is
obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is
an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in
the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks: "Have you
caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger,
before saying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of guiness"
says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his
pint in one go. The giraffe seeing this starts banging down the ten pints like
there was no tomorrow. The race is on, the man gets half way down and the
Giraffes only on number four, Then with an amazing burst of speed the giraffe
just manages to scrape ahead.But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half way
then collapses dead on the bar. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts
to leave.
"Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!!"
Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
------------------------------------------------------------
There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two
parts, and then the other that don't.
------------------------------------------------------------
Seen in U.S.S.R: "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn
the ligths off".
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Cache is, by definition, a compromise."
-- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute
"Yes, Cache is a compromise. Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light."
-- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:05 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 27
Wanna be realy stoned? Drink wet cement.
------------------------------------------------------------
If the human brain would be so simple that we could understand it, then
we would be so dumb that we would not understand it!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
I bet I can quit gambling.
------------------------------------------------------------
8 of each 10 use ball-points to write with. What do the other two do with
ball-points???
------------------------------------------------------------
Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:09 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 28
Advertisement from British Airways: "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York
and luggage in Berlin"
------------------------------------------------------------
Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.
Tell me your address and I will tell you where you live.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea!
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:11 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 29
What's pink and hard in the morning?
The financial times crossword.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?
Your gran.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call three people in wheelchairs on top of each other?
A vegetable rack.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in
Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp
and asks the foreman for a job.
Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can
chop down 100 trees tomorrow you're hired".
So, next day, Paddy gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day.
When trees are counted Paddy only has 98.....
"Oh well" says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow."
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
"I don't believe this" says the foreman, "A big strong fella like
yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what?
You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it".
So, next day, Paddy and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival
at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground,
and starts the engine.
Says Paddy: "Holy Jezus! Where's the noise coming from?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"Why do trans-atlantic transfers take so long?"
"Electrons don't swim very fast." -john@minster.york.ac.uk and whh@PacBell.COM
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:30 EST
From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 30
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.
------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites
Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do?
We should call for a doctor.
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone
box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise
your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking
already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in
New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy
days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish
and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye
he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses
the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down.
A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens
herself up.
"Yes you Holiness, what would you like?"
The Pope thought for a while.
"Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done,
medium or rare?"
"Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please."
The waitress raised her arm.
"One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted.
The Pope was horrified.
"Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!"
"But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the
steak. Very rare."
The Pope smiled.
"I understand. How stupid of me."
A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was
gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated.
The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was
helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together.
"Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a
bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure".
So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to
the waitress.
"Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!"
Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee...
"Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? "
------------------------------------------------------------
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
------------------------------------------------------------
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
"Here catch."
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
"You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied:
"April Fool, it was dead already!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:34 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 31
How many Yorkshiremen does it take to do the washing up?
None, it's women's work!
------------------------------------------------------------
What is green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidiser!
------------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing razor blades.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three men, two Americans and an <ethnic>, are standing at the top of
Empire State Building. It is quite windy and one of the Americans say:
"I bet the wind is so strong that if I threw myself from the
building, the wind would stop me halfway down and it would carry me
all the way back up here."
"Yeah, whatever." says the <ethnic>.
The American throws himself from the building, and sure enough, when
he is halfway down he is stopped by an updraft and it carries him all
the way back to the top.
"Hey, wow!" shouts the <ethnic> and jumps. He is smashed to pulp
against the pavement.
Says the other American: "You're a bastard, Superman."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:42 EST
From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 32
mors certa, hora incerta - dead certain, my clock is wrong
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a day that follows 2 days of rain ?
Monday.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three cars collide.
They get out.
First man: "I'm sorry."
First Lady: "I'm sorry, too."
Last driver: "I'm sorry three."
------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a duck have flat feet?
To stamp out fire in the woods.
Why does an elephant have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
------------------------------------------------------------
South Africa has just been achieving the biggest computer in the world,
and after programming it using the most powerful AI techniques they could
find, is now able to predict the future.
The computer is plugged in, and starts humming.
The prime minister then asks it the most important question for the future of
South Africa:
"In twelve years from now, will the power in South Africa be held by white
people or by black people?"
Computer: "In year 2000 the government in South Africa will be.............
.......(After 15 minutes of computing...) WHITE!"
Everybody breathes, and starts drinking champagne. Nobody cares any
longer about the machine.
Then the finance minister comes and asks:
"What will be the price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000?"
Computer: "The price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000 will be...
...........................................................................
...........................................................................
...........................................................................
...........................................................................
.............(30 minutes of computing).....................................
...........................................................................
...........................................................................
three roubles.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:49 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 33
A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day.
As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above
her head.
The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it?
The young woman: Yeah, what the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?
------------------------------------------------------------
World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic
computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem.
The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine.
They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
"Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
"Yes!"
The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of
them asks the computer:
"Yes, what?"
After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:
"Yes, Sir!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer has died and gone to heaven. (This is not the real joke!)
When he gets at the gate to heaven, he sees St. Peter and starts to complain:
"Why have I died? I'm only 39, I could easily have lived to be 80!"
St. Peter replies:
"According to the number of hours you charged your clients you ARE 80....."
------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was this beautiful woman who was going to
be married to this handsome very rich nobleman. So they get married
and she moves into his big castle, compared to which Camelot is
but a pigsty: hundreds of rooms it has got, over a hundred servants
and an enormous garden extending in woods in which one could easily
get lost forever, still not having left the property.
The nobleman and his wife are having a real good time at the estate,
there's fine weather, everyone's nice, business is going well.
Indeed business is ok: the nobleman has to be abroad a lot, so the
woman decides to explore the enormous castle. Strange rooms she
discovers, with lots of antiquities revealing the glorious past of
the castle; now she's to be found at the attics, then again she's
traversing the cellars, and after a few months she's almost completed
her exploration - to find what appears to be some secret room...
Its door is securely locked, and no matter where she looks: the key
is not to be found. So immediately after her husband returns from one
of his voyages, she tells him how she has explored every part of the
castle, save that little room. Just when she wants to ask if he knows
where the key might be, he gravely responds that she's not to go into
that very room lest a great danger befall her... No matter how she
begs, he won't tell her what's to be found in that malefic room...
Years go by and she's put the whole question aside, but then again
the eagerness to know is becoming unbearable... Finally she's made up
her mind to search once again for the key... Patiently she waits for
him to go on his next voyage, and immediately after he's left she
goes to the Dark Room. She's searched for the key for hours until
suddenly: behold, it was hidden behind a secret panel! A hollow sound
revealed it, when she was tapping the wood. With shaking hands she
takes the key and puts it into the lock. She turns the key once...,
twice..., thrice and click, the lock is open... The door opens creakily.
She's looking into a hostile dark nothingness. Did she hear something?
Trembling she goes inside..., step by step..., until suddenly:
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!
You know what happened?
No?
Well, neither do I, but I'll let you know when I've found out.
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him warmly
at the gates of Hell, and they enter a long coridor. As
they walk along, the Devil explains, " Now that you're in
Hell, you must choose the manner in which you must spend all
eternity. I will show you some rooms and you must choose one."
They get to the first room. The door opens, and the man
peers in. An endless circle of the damned with weights strapped
to their backs walk around barefoot on hot coals. "Oh, I don't think
I like that" said the man. They continue to the second room.
In the second room, the damned walk around, listening to
elevator muzak, walking on broken glass. "Oh, I don't think I
could stand that" said the man.
In the last room, the man was surprised to find the damned
standing around up to their armpits in sh*t, drinking cofee.
"That doesn't look so bad!" said the man. "I'll stay here
for eternity." "Very well," said the Devil, closing the door
behind him.
"Hmm... this isn't so bad" thought the man, as a Demon
gave him a cup of coffee. Suddenly, the room supervisor
called out on his megaphone...
" ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS! "
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Justice: A decision in your favor.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:59 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 34
What do you call a LADA with a flat tyre ?
A write-off.
------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into a service station and asks the mechanic:
"Do you have a windscreen wiper for a LADA?"
The mechanic scratches his head, thinks for a bit and replies:
"Well, it seems to be a reasonable swap - yes I do."
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a LADA with twin exhausts ?
A wheelbarrow.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope goes on a visit to S. Africa, and he is travelling along,
in his Popemobile, by the side of a large river. Soon, he catches
sight of a black man in the river, struggling and screaming as he
tries vainly to fight off a huge crocodile. The Pope realises that
there is nothing he can do, when suddenly two white men leap into the
water, drag the man and the croc to land, and then beat the crocodile
to death with sticks.
The Pope is really impressed by this. He goes over to where the two
men are standing next to the bleeding and unconscious black man and says,
"Congratulations. That was the most wonderful thing to do, and I can
see that it is men like you who will rebuild this country as an example
of racial harmony."
The Pope goes on his way. One of the white men says "Who was that?", and
the other replies "That was the Pope, he is in direct communication with
God. He knows everything."
The first man says "Maybe, but he knew no f*ck at all about Crocodile fishing!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A bright, well-behaved little boy lived with his parents and
grandparents in suburbia.
One evening, the boy's father passed outside his bedroom and was pleased
to hear him kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers. He finished off
with:
God bless mummy
God bless daddy
God bless grandma
Ta ta grandpa
The father thought this form of prayer a little strange, but was so
pleased that his son was praying of his own accord, that he thought
nothing more of it. Until, that is, he woke up to find that grandpa had
passed away with a stroke during the night.
A few weeks later, he again overheard his son's prayers:
God bless mummy
God bless daddy
Ta ta grandma
Sure enough, the next morning we find that the little boy's grandmother
had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away peacefully.
Our father was baffled by this turn of events. Was he the father of a
strangely talented and gifted son? What could this lead to - fame,
fortune ... who knows! Our principle eavesdropper decided to listen in
on all his sons prayers from that night on, to see what other mystical
secrets might be revealed.
But our hero was not to be so well rewarded. There was nothing in his
son's prayers in the least unusual for several weeks. Then one night, he
overheard him say:
God bless mummy
Ta ta daddy
Our hero was stricken with grief! What had he done to deserve such a
short life! His parents had been old and withered; but he was still in
the prime of life!
So great was his turmoil, that he didn't get a wink of sleep all night.
He got up in the morning expecting disaster to strike at any time. He
drove extra carefully to work that morning, and stayed in his office all
day.
On his return home, he poured out his worries to his wife. He'd had an
awful day, greifstricken, worried, and just wanted to get it over with.
But his wife had no time for him. "You think YOU'VE had a bad day. I've
been waiting for you to get back to help me out. I've had a terrible day
today. I got up this morning and opened the front door to find the
milkman lying dead on the porch...."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:05 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 35
25 GOOD REASONS
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. AFTER YOU'VE HAD A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH 5 CENTS.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IT YOU COME HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ethnic A visits the hospital.
"I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it
with your wife?"
"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"
So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, ethnic A does
only have to stay for two days in the hospital. On his way home, he meets
another ethnic.
"Well, hello A! I haven't seen you for a couple of days." ethnic B
says, as they shake hands.
"No, I've been to the hospital."
"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
"Really? So, what's up?"
"I'm going to be vaccinated."
"Oh, shit! That's what it's called!"
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a blind dinosaur ?
Imsureheneversaurus.
What do you call a sheep with no legs ?
A cloud.
------------------------------------------------------------
Mistress: something between master and mattress.
------------------------------------------------------------
Housewife: a gadget you screw on the bed.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:11 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 36
Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat: sooner or later, you
get pissed off.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man took his dog into a pub, bought a pint and settled down to watch
the football on the TV set above the bar. As luck would have it, it was
a Fulham home game. After a one-sided match Fulham lost, and the dog
said, quite clearly, `Oh, no -- not again!'
The barman, startled, walked over to the owner and said `Did your dog
just say ``Oh, no -- not again''?'
`Yes', replied the owner blandly, `he always says that when Fulham lose.'
`What does he say when Fulham win?'
`Don't know. I've only had him five years.'
Incidentally, during the match the police caught a Fulham fan climbing
over the stadium wall. They were strict -- they made him go back in!
------------------------------------------------------------
A man is looking at a soccer game, in this case FEYENOORD - AJAX ;
suddenly Feyenoord scores a goal, and the dog applauds.
After a while Feyenoord scores again ( yes this is not a realistic
joke ) and the dog applauds again.
A man who sees this asks the dog's boss what the dog does when Ajax
scores a goal.
Owner : Well, he turns a backward OR forward summersault.
Neighbour : When forward and when backwards?
Owner : Well, it depends on where I kick him.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is black red black red black red black red black red black red white ?
An negro masturbating.
------------------------------------------------------------
Snooker is a complete Tory game; first of all you get rid of all the
reds; then you get rid of all the coloureds, and all you have left at
the end is the white.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
probably not someone here on campus."
-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique,"
Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:16 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 37
A spaceship from the planet Zong lands in Farmborough.
It is the middle of the night - the town is deserted (not that
there's much happening in the daytime in Farmborough) as the
aliens (who are rather petrol - pump - like in their appearance)
descend from their ship.
They wander around for a while until they come across a garage
and what they percieve to be intelligent life - a petrol pump
(an easy mistake to make in Farmborough anyway). The chief Zong
greets the petrol pump.
"Greetings; I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in
our spaceship, the Zong, to meet Earth people. Take me to your
cliche" (sorry, I mean leader.)
The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demand using shorter
words (he has heard that this usually works in Farmborough).
"Take me to your leader".
The petrol pump, unsurprisingly, says nothing.
By now, the short-tempered captain of the Zong is getting a bit annoyed at
being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the petrol pump, much to the
distress of his first mate, and demands,
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, INSOLENT SCUM, OR I WILL BLOW YOU TO PIECES !"
Of course, the petrol pump remains silent; his shipmates try to
restrain him, but he fires. There is an almighty explosion as the
petrol pump bursts into a huge ball of flames and the
crew of the Zong are hurled hundreds of yards into the air. They
land in a nearby field with a bump.
"What the hell happened ?" shouted the Zong captain.
"I tried to warn you", replied the first mate, "You just don't mess with
a guy who can wrap his p**** around his waist and stick it in his ear."
------------------------------------------------------------
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants
ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the
Elephants' goal mouth when the Elephants' left back came
lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant,
killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think
you're doing ? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing
another player ?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -
I was just trying to trip him up."
------------------------------------------------------------
What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common ?
They make Jamaicans run like fuck.
------------------------------------------------------------
Flopsy Bunny had never been out to see the real world. One day he
escaped from his parents' home... Bounce Bounce Bounce.
He had been bouncing along when he came across a young snake. Flopsy
Bunny had never seen a snake; the snake had never seen a bunny rabbit.
Said the snake
- Hello, you have lovely fluffy ears, a lovely little white tail and
lovely brown fur; you must be a bunny rabbit.
Said Flopsy Bunny
- That's very good. Let me see. You have horrible scaly skin, nasty
little slitty eyes and a horrible rasping voice. You must be Nikki
Lauda.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two gynaecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY GET ELECTED.
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:22 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 38
I was driving through North Wales one day last summer, when I had
the misfortune to run out of petrol right out in the sticks.
It was about 5 miles to the nearest house, but when I got
there the farmer who lived in it was very hospitable and
offered to drive me back to my car with a can of petrol, as long
as I stayed to have a bite to eat first. I accepted grate-
fully, and upon entering the parlour I was amazed to see a pig
with a wooden leg reclining in a rocking chair, reading the "Cwm
Penmachno Evening Courier" and smoking a pipe. I asked the farmer
about this, and he said, "Oh, that's a fine pig. One day my
wife was just driving out of our gate onto the road when a
bloody great lorry which she hadn't noticed - we tend to forget
to look out for traffic up here, you know - came tearing along
and smashed into the side of her car. The lorry driver was
killed, and my wife was pinned into her seat. Some petrol was
leaking out of her tank, and the pig here could see that there
was a danger the car would go up in flames if he didn't do
something pretty quickly. So he leapt over the fence, sprinted
over to the car, wrenched the door off its hinges and pulled my
wife away just in time to save her from a horrible death".
"My goodness, that's certainly a very fine pig!" I ex-
claimed. "Now I can understand why you treat him so well. But
one thing is still puzzling me - tell me, how does he come to be
wearing that wooden leg?"
"Ah well", said the farmer, "when you've got a pig like that you
don't want to eat him all at once".
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between 'hard' and 'light'?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
------------------------------------------------------------
There is this panda walking through a red light district when he sees a
prostitute beckoning him. Feeling an urge he decides to go along with her
and she leads him upstairs where they have sex.
Half an hour later, he pulls up his boxer shorts and makes way for the door.
"Oi, you, where do you think you are going ?" cries the prostitute.
"You are supposed to pay me"
"I don't pay for my sex " replies the panda, " ..and anyway where does it say
that I am supposed to pay you anyway"
The prostitute, hearing this, goes to a bookshelf and produces a dictionary.
"'Ere, 'ave a look at this".
The panda takes the dictionry, claws through ( pandas don't have thumbs )
comes to p.. pr.. "Here it is, prostitute, woman who gives sexual favours
for money ..."
"Aha , there it is" says the prostitute.
"Take this and look up panda" says the panda returning the dictionary.
The prostitute reads "Panda, small bear, eats shoots and leaves."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it is ajar!!
------------------------------------------------------------
A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas
station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man
playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic", he gasps, "a dog
who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of
money with him." After his next move the man looks up and says , "Awh,
he ain't so smart. I can beat him two out of three."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
EMACS (Editor for Morons Attracted
to Control Sequences)
-- Jeffrey Kirk
0, unseen,,
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:30 EST
From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 39
Picture the scenario: it's first day back at school after the Summer Hols
and all the little infants are fidgeting about with excitement etc...
Teacher: Okay, kids, we'll begin the year by discussing what we
did over the Summer Hols. Joey, what did you do?
Joey: Well Miss, I had a wonderful time. Every morning I would
go down to the beach and play in the sand...
Teacher: Very good Joey, if you can spell "sand" I'll give you a
Mars Bar.
Joey: mmhhh... S-A-N-D
Teacher: Very good Joey. Here's a Mars Bar. Sally, what did you do over
the summer?
Sally: Well Miss, I would go down to the beach and play in the sand
too. Sometimes Joey and I would go for a paddle in the sea...
Teacher: Lovely. If you can spell "sea" you can have a Mars Bar.
Sally: S-E-A
Teacher: Good Sally. Have a Mars Bar. Now, what about you Leroy. What
did you get up to?
Leroy: Well Miss, I also went down to the beach each morning, but
none of the other kids would play with me 'cause my skin's
a different colour...
Teacher: Oh poor, poor Leroy, how dreadful. That's racial hatred for you.
If you can spell "racial hatred" you can have a Mars Bar...
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into the chemist's: "Have you got cotton wool balls?"
Assistant: "What do you think I am, a teddy bear?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A twin is born.
Mother happy.
Father happy.
Mother: "Just look at them lovely babies..."
Father takes one by the head, and the little neckie breaks.
Doctor rushes in: "How could you DO that?"
Father: "'t was easy: look!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you
get to work?"
The Russian replies, "We take bus."
The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
The Russian replies, "We take train."
The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We don't want go abroad."
The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to
go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We take tanks."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man from Farmborough goes into a pub with a pig under his arm.
As he walks in, the barman spots him and exclaims, "Hell fire !
That's an ugly looking animal you've got there ! Where on Earth
did you get it ?"
"I won it in a raffle", says the pig.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- James Kirk
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:14:54 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 41
Anyway, Amos is getting on in years and his family decides that he is
just too much of a burden anymore. Time to put him in a retirement
home. So they take him out to Sunny Hills Retirement Community and
install him in his now home.
After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse comes and
asks if he would like to spend a while on the sun porch. Amos says
"Sure...hrmmmph, hrmmmph."
So Amos and the nurse are on the sun porch enjoying the sun, when Amos
begins to lean to his left. The nurse, thinking that he is going to
fall, pushes him back upright. A few minutes pass, and Amos again
begins to lean, this time to his right. The nurse pushes him back
upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated. Finally, the
nurse takes Amos back to his room.
The next day, Amos's friend Bob comes to visit. "How do you like it
here?" asks Bob.
"Well" says Amos "it's OK, I guess. The bed ain't too soft and it ain't
too hard. The food is OK. The people are nice. But, they sure don't
want you to fart on the sun porch!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He
finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and
surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the
psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict
Arnold. I have the plans!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and
a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas
insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who
had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog,
who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I
just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say I've never felt better in my life."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three formed a triangle.
It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the
elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had
an 11-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons
of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:01 EST
From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 42
Six Phases of a Project:
1) Enthusiasm
2) Disillusionment
3) Panic
4) Search for the guilty
5) Punishment of the innocent
6) Praise and honors for non-participants
------------------------------------------------------------
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an
end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just
generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the
American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this
expression, "sang froid". What does it mean? I know that it literally
means, "cold blood", but what does it *mean*?"
The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into
his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can
turn around and walk out without zem knowing he was zere, *zat* is
sang froid!"
The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis
circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say "Please don't
mind me; continue", zen *zat* is sang froid!"
"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his
wife and his best friend, stands there saying, "Please continue", and his
friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".
------------------------------------------------------------
One day while the circus was in town, a lion escaped
from its cage. He went downtown into a local bar, and said
to the bartender, "You see that young girl at the end of
the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat
her up."
The bartender hastily poured a beer and watched the
lion swig it down and leave.
The lion proceeded across the street to another bar.
Again he approached the bar, and spoke to the bartender.
"You see that girl at the end of the bar? If you
don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
The bartender hastily poured the lion a beer, and
watched as the lion gulped it down and left.
The lion proceeded to yet another bar, went inside,
and said to the bartender:
"You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If
you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
"Go ahead," said the bartender.
So the lion went to the girl and ate her, quick as
a wink.
"Now give me a beer, or I'll eat YOU up!" the lion
roard to the bartender.
"No you won't. in a couple of minutes, you'll be
out cold on the floor," said the bartender calmly.
"Why's that?" asked the lion.
"That wasn't an ordinary girl you ate, you dumb
lion. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral
sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the
young man is content to wait.
After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the
young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know
that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits.
and waits...
and waits....
After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together
20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex,
just once???? Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her
husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they
are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial job. The final
question of each interview is, "If you were accidentally overpaid $100 one
week, what would you do?". The first woman says, "Oh, I would immediately
report it, Sir!". The second woman says, "Well, I would write a memo to
payroll, but make it `low priority'." The third woman says, "Well, Sir,
in all honesty, I would keep the money and but myself a new outfit."
So who gets the job?
The one with the biggest tits!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
probably not someone here on campus."
-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique,"
Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:06 EST
From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 43
An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack are lined up in front of a firing
squad awaiting execution. The American is first. He points behind the
firing squad and shouts, "FLOOD!". When the soldiers turns to look, he
escapes. The Frenchman quickly devises his plan and shouts, "TORNADO!!".
He escapes as well. The Polack, thinking he has caught on yells, "FIRE!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having
some touble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any
suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble.
Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.
The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and
medicare pays half of that."
------------------------------------------------------------
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
------------------------------------------------------------
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
(Whispering voice:) "What do you WANT it to be?"
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Assholes never see the light anyway.
How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the
broken socket.
2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
bulbs.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century.
How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental
Impact Statement.
3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk
to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving
clerk to receive the bulb ...
4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
5) None. We contract out for things like that.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. But they're really only one.
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about
how much they liked the old one.
How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
an Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. It turned itself in.
2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator
to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many disarmament folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They won't, because:
1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"
2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."
3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."
4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."
5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."
6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color, sex,
religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need."
9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room
first.
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) That's not funny!!!
2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
implications.
4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the
bulb is exploiting the socket.
5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were
the socket.
6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any
man trying to help the first one.
How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!"
How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, and a professor to take credit.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? You mean it's dark in here?
How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem."
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor
card first, which is extra.
How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of
non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington?
2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they
can get after they graduate.
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) All of them.
2) Only one. They'll screw anything.
How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) How many can you afford?
2) Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from .....
How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter
the room who wants to sit in the dark.
How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he uses a chainsaw.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.
How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions.
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to
screw in light bulbs too.
How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds
of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue
light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the
socket and fill the room with light while all the critics
and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against
the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say,
"Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger
while I go get a new bulb?"
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None of your damn business!
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying
to stop it.
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb?
45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the
president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five
to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight
to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with
2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim
responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building
with working lights.
How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to
change the bulb.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study.
How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's what grad students are for.
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
the moment they began screwing.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to screw it in, and one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many rec.humor posters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and
again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for
not doing it in rec.humor.d.
2) 565.
1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb).
6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from
the old one.
29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately*
different, and is parodying the old one.
7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6.
12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room.
14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it
the first time.
496 to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in
the wrong way.
How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They'll have their girls do it for them.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms.
How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot!
One to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!
One to flame the flamer.
One to ask to be removed from the news group.
One to ask for a copy of the last message :-)
And one to ask how to unROT the joke.
How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple.
How many White House aides does it take to change one of Reagan's
light bulbs?
None. They like to keep him in the dark.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light.
How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb joke?
The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will
have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Assuming
independence (which is reasonable, since no submitter of a light bulb
joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is
thus 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a
light bulb joke.
How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?
None. They don't have it.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained
the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not
always lose!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:10 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 44
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the
penalty for murder.
------------------------------------------------------------
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun.
Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?
Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!
------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker.
Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute be saved?
De Bakker: Yes.
Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night?
------------------------------------------------------------
NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
If you go into heat, package that meat.
Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock got a stockin'.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Of course, someone who knows more about this will correct me if I'm wrong,
and someone who knows less will correct me if I'm right."
-- David Palmer (palmer@tybalt.caltech.edu)
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:13 EST
From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 45
Four Polacks were in an alley shooting drugs, and using the same needle.
A guy walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots! Don't you know about
AIDS?!?" One of the Polacks replies; "Of course we do! But don't worry,
we're all wearing condoms!"
------------------------------------------------------------
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He
hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway
for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the
middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out
in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem
to be wearing any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an'
I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah
neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness,
when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing,
they continue bragging:
Texan 1: "The water's cold."
Texan 2: "Yeah. Deep too."
------------------------------------------------------------
News release: Abortions are becoming so popular in Poland that the waiting
time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Polish experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
------------------------------------------------------------
A Polish statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds
that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very
low. Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids."
-- Erma Brombeck
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:15 EST
From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 46
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see
my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the
scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see
a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope,
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
------------------------------------------------------------
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one
astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each
may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife.
They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want
150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years
up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again,
NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the
shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each
holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and
makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian
astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white,
glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone wondered how Reagan picked Bush for VP in the first place.
Well, this is the story: Reagan knew he had to make a choice; so
he asked Nancy how he should do this. Nancy told him that he should
ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave
Reagan a riddle to use.
So, the next day, Reagan goes to Bush and says, "Who is it who is your
father's son, but not your brother?" Bush replies, "Golly gee, Mr. Reagan,
That's difficult. I'll need to go and think about that one for a while."
In the evening Bush returns and happily shouts, "I got it, Ron! I figured
it out! It's me! It's me!"
Reagan than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the other VP
candidates and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your
brother?" "That's a tough one Mr. Reagan. I'll get back to you on that."
And in the evening he returns and says, "I couldn't figure that one out.
Who is it?"
Reagan answers, "It's George Bush, but I'm not exactly sure why."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street one day when he saw a Polack standing
on the corner, playing with his butt and then smelling his fingers. The
man watched the Polack do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to
him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the Polack
replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!"
------------------------------------------------------------
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva
fight."
"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
God didn't create the world in seven days.
He rested for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:17 EST
From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 47
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
the pain.
But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll
have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
begin life anew - start over from this point".
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the
man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up",
replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for
undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the
man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've
ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied,
"Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was this black woman who had 7 sons, all of them named Leroy.
One day this man was asking her about this and said, "What to you say
when you want to call one of them?" She replies,"I just calls Leroy,
and they all come!" The man then says, "Well what if you want one of
them to come help you with the dishes?" She says, "I calls Leroy,
and they all come help me with the dishes." The man, getting somewhat
frustrated, says, "What if you want to talk to one of them about bad
grades on their report card, then how do you call them?" She says,
"Oh, then I use their last name!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the
water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island.
"Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.
"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chest, another boat appeared.
"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy
said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chin, a third boat appeared.
"Get in, this is your last chance!"
"No, Jesus will save me!"
So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went
up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown!
I don't believe it!"
"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the
captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman
above him, he shouted:
"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the
young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in
your pants."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."
-- Robert Firth
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:26 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 48
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer
answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
------------------------------------------------------------
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered
three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer
confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she
confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when
I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my
indiscretion", she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of
weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars
come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars
a bushel, I sold out!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy is walking down a country lane near his home when he spies a
leprechaun sitting on a fencepost. "Ah ha!", says he to himself, "I'll
catch the little fella and he'll have to give me his pot o' gold."
So, Murphy sneaks up on the leprechaun and grabs him by the shoulders.
The leprechaun is unhappy, but knows he can get away if he can get Murphy
to look away from him, even for an instant.
"Where's your pot o' gold?", says Murphy.
"Isn't that a purple cow over there?", says the leprechaun.
"I'm not taking my eyes off you! Where's the gold?!", says Murphy.
"Look at that peacock flying overhead!", says the leprechaun.
"I'm wise to your tricks! Where's the gold?!!", says Murphy.
Finally, the leprechaun gives up. "All right", he says, "you've got me.
But I'm not a pot o' gold leprechaun, I'm a three-wish leprechaun."
"What's a three-wish leprechaun?", says Murphy.
"I can grant you up to three wishes", says the leprechaun, "but there's
a catch. Whatever I give to you I give double to the person in the world
you hate the most. I happen to know that's O'Brien over in the next town."
Murphy thinks it over and finally says "Done! For my first wish I want
a fine, ten room mansion all for myself in that field over there."
"Done!" says the leprechaun and a beautiful mansion appears in the field.
In the field next to it is a 20 room mansion and on the porch stands
a surprised O'Brien saying "Why, thank you, Murphy. I didn't think you
liked me."
"For my next wish", says Murphy, "I want ten of the most beautiful women in
the world to wait on me hand and foot."
"Done!", says the leprechaun, and ten stunning women appear on the front
porch of Murphy's new mansion. O'Brien, now surrounded by twenty beautiful
women, is positively beaming. "Bless you, lad! I take back all the bad
thoughts I had of you", says he.
"Finally", says Murphy, "for my last wish ... I want my sexual potency
to be cut by fifty percent!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
------------------------------------------------------------
Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from
Minnie Mouse:
Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid
reason for me to grant a divorce."
Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate,
I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics.
I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task;
I would have to have you all killed.
-- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:27 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 49
A guy was in a record store to buy a 45-rpm record of his favorite song. After
he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and
getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift), so he
put it down his pants. Well, as he was leaving the store, the cashier stopped
him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?"
To this, he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
------------------------------------------------------------
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck
belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while,
the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in
the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the
ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes, he manages to stand up
and croaks, "It's my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in
a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer
of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot
hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets
more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and
says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I
think I love you. Can we get together some time?"
The nun leaves the bus in a huff.
Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus
driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the
nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that
he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says:
"No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In
fact, let me do you a favor. Did you see where she got
off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes
there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe
you'll get lucky!"
The guy thanks him and leaves.
Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little
nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the
bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white
robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns.
The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him.
He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to
come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd
love to help him, but that she was on her period, and
would the back door be OK?
He says fine, and they commence their activities.
A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast
of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you
something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy
who was annoying you on the bus yesterday."
The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really
a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."
------------------------------------------------------------
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding
his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check
her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come
home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily
into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on
and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall off!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an
another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there.
And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair," he answered.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:29 EST
From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 50
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"OK, Pop." said the little boy.
After a while, the boy came into the living room where his father
was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy, "the bull
just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said,
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell
me when the bull surprises the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said, "Hey, Pop".
"Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was this couple on The Newlywed Game and the man was asked where
was the wierdest place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence,
the woman responds, "Got to be in the butt, Bob."
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss.
When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he
had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant
member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and
the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all ... I'll grant you your three
wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man
is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for
anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to
walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun
asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde
on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So
the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles
up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes
for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You
may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two women were walking down the street. One nudges the other and says,
"There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses. Damn!!
That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days!"
"Well, why don't you get a vase?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any
accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:30 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 51
"How would you like to come back to my place for a hamburger and some sex?"
"No!"
"What's the matter, you don't like hamburgers?"
------------------------------------------------------------
It seems a teacher walked into the boy's bathroom and caught four
boys having a contest to see who could pee highest on the wall.
The teacher was disgusted and took the boys to the Principal's office.
Later the teacher told an associate what had happened, and the
associate asked her what the Principal's reaction was. She replied:
"Well, he hit the ceiling!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came
out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight
pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their
eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking
black guy beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape."
"You know," said on Pole to the other, "they get all the good jobs."
------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He
stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal,
"Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?'"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
-We have them just where they want us.
J. T. Kirk
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:35 EST
From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 52
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys."
A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.
"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?"
------------------------------------------------------------
JESUS SAVES!
Moses invests!
------------------------------------------------------------
JESUS SAVES!
But Moses gets the rebound ... he shoots ... HE SCORES!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger, while hunting down some low-down-murderous scum, is captured.
Fortunately, Silver escapes. The bad guys decide to take Loney out into the
desert and tie him down, naked, to stakes. Once they are satisfied that he is
secured, they leave him to die slowly.
Silver appears at the scene. The Lone Ranger says to him, "Silver, go to town
and get the posse!" Silver rears back, whinnies, and charges off to town,
many miles away.
All day, in the blistering sun, the Lone Ranger survives. Just as he thinks
the end is near, night falls. Though relieved at first, he begins to get
colder and colder. By sheer will power, he manages to survive the night.
As dawn breaks, he hears the thundering of horse hooves. Up gallops Silver
with a naked woman on his back.
"Goddammit, Silver, I said 'POSSE'!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
The World Health Organization recently did a resarch in determining
the function of the knob at the end of the penis.
The Russians put in a million dollars and came up with the results
saying that the knob is there merely to please a man during sexual
encounters.
The French also put in a million dollars but came up with a different
conclusion citing that the knob is there for the pleasure of a woman.
The Poles put in $2.98 and discovered that the function of a knob
is to prevent the hand from slipping off!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:36 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 53
Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub.
I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down
at a table, crossed its legs and orderered a coffee.
I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that
an horse orders a coffee.
"Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."
------------------------------------------------------------
At whether stations people have to enter several times per day the
amount. On one occasion somebody typed in that amount without a
decimal point instead of 8.45cm he entered 8m45. Apparently there was a
test for such numbers because following error message appeared :
Build a boat. Take of all animals two : a male and a female
------------------------------------------------------------
One day in Paradise, God called Adam to him and
said "Now i will teach you how to kiss". "Lord, what is a
kiss ?" asked Adam. "I will show you" said God and
tought Adam everything about kissing. Adam went to
Eve and kissed her for a while.
Then God called Adam back and said "Now i will
teach you how to make love"."Lord, what is make love ?"
asked Adam. "I will show you" said God and then he
tought Adam everything about making love. Adam went
to Eve but came back shortly after and asked
"Lord, what is a headache ?".
------------------------------------------------------------
John was a bit kinky. One evening he got himself
a prostitute and they both went up in a hotelroom where
John said ".. I got a litle .. litle favor to ask".
"OK, but you have to pay extra for that" said the
prostitute. John took all his clothes off, went into the
shower, turn it on and said "Now.. Take the hairdryer,
turn it on and blink the lights". The prostitute turned
the hairdryer on and when she started blinking the lights
John moaned with pleasure. "Oh Oh man,this is great. Now
I'm standing in the middle of a forest. It's raining
cats and dogs and the lightnings lit up the sky. The wind
is blowing and in distance you can hear thunders."
"OK OK" said the prostitute "Isn't it time to make
love now ?". "Are you CRAZY" answered John
"in THIS weather?".
------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs Smith woke up one night, choking and discovered
that her husband, who was drunk as a skunk, was filling
her mouth with pain-killers. When she cought her breath
again, she screamed "What in HELL do you think you are
doing ?"."Don't you have headache ?" said Mr Smith.
"No, your fool of course not".
"That's great let's f**k".
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't."
-- Author Unknown
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:39 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 54
After a saturday night out, a guy comes home bringing a new 'acquaintance'
with him. The guy opens the door and leads his female companion into the
living room. The living room has the air of overstated technical elegance,
one has come to dislike over the years.
The interior is a sparkling dream (nightmare) in white, metal and glass.
(Your basic modern interior design of the mid-eighties).
"Well", sez the guy gesturing about the room, "How do you like it ? "
"Yeah!", sez the girl, "I kinda like it, but it's lacking something..
- pauses -
I think, It lacks some human warmth."
"hey", sez the guy, "That's no problem.."
and farts!
------------------------------------------------------------
Why have dogs been banned from the Vatican?
Because, they pee on Poles.
------------------------------------------------------------
"George Washington really remembered things."
"Why? What do you mean?"
"You still celebrate his memory, don't you!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Have you tried McSquared, the pure energy fast-food?
------------------------------------------------------------
The time is mid december some year, and Norway has a new ambassador in the
USA since two months. The telephone rings at his office.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times, I wonder what
you would like for christmas present.
The new ambassodor isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there
won't be any scandal.
- Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as
a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador.
The next day, the phone rings again.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times. I'm still interested
in what you would like to have for christmas present.
The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation
ends. The next day, the NewYork times journalist rings again. This time the
ambassador is quite upset.
- I thought, I told you already. No presents!
Then he said.
- Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would.
Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure, a fruit bowl
is harmless and won't cause any scandal.
Two days later, the NewYork times writes.
WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world.
France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations
Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starwation in the third world.
.
.
.
Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:40 EST
From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 55
Q: What is the difference between a University, a Polytechnic, and a College ?
A: When a lecturer walks into a class and says "Good Morning", at a University
the students say "Good Morning" back, at a Polytechnic they ignore him, and
at a College they write it down.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a University and a Polytechnic?
A: At a Polytechnic they teach you to wash your hands after going to the
toilet. At a University they teach you not to p*ss on your hands in
the first place.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Australian men piss in the garden at parties?
A: Because there's always someone throwing up in the loo!
------------------------------------------------------------
A Belgian train is standing in the middle of a field, some hundred
meters away from the rails, which are as straight as can be.
The director of the Belgian Railways is very surprised at this very
weird situation and asks the driver how the train got there.
"Well, there was a Dutchman standing on the rails!"
"Hell, why didn't you just drive over him?"
"Of course, but I didn't get him until in the fields!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman asks her husband this question: "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Master, why is the letter 'i' the symbol for current?" "Because there is
no letter 'i' in the word 'current'." "Master, why do we use the letter
'j' for sqrt(-1)?" "Because we use the letter 'i' for current." Whereupon
the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened.
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:45 EST
From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 56
Man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar.
Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.
Bartender: What's a Matabooboo?
Bear: Nuttin' Yogi.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's black and eats bananas?
Half of london.
------------------------------------------------------------
Man on package tour in USA, one day of the tour is a bus ride
down to Mexico. Whoopee he thinks, wild times, smokes, freaky
things.
Imagine his surprise when the bus drops him in a sleepy pueblo
population: three people, one tumbleweed. The bus roars off and
he hears the driver shout back something about returning in
three hours.
That's cool, he can amuse himself for three hours. He heads for
the bar and tries to talk to the patron, who turns out to be the
most boring person in the world. Five minutes later, it feels
like three hours and he makes his excuse and leaves, only
slightly puzzled that in three hours he only managed one drink.
He decides to check the time and casts around for someone to
ask. He sees a sleepy hombre sitting against the wall under a
sombrero.
"Quel estas l'hora?", he asks in his best Spanglais.
"You what, man?", replies the hombre, who turns out to be an
erstwhile extra from a 1970's Eastwood movie who missed the bus
home.
"The time. What is it?"
The other reaches out to a mule which is standing beside him
(this is a real mule, not a movie mule, you understand). He
lifts its scrotum thoughtfully and then lets it drop. "About
two thirty" he announces.
"Astonishing", avers our hero. "How did you manage that?"
Once again the other reaches out and lifts the donkey's scrotum.
"You see that clock tower over there?"
"Yes."
"So can I now."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two South Africans talking:
"I hear that Archbishop Tutu is dead."
"That's funny, I hadn't even heard that he had been arrested."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to an Arts graduate with a job?
A: I'll have a hamburger please.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:47 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 57
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, and
I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!
------------------------------------------------------------
There was this young taxi driver who was driving an old farmer
who had never been to Amsterdam before.
The driver decided to have a little fun and started telling the
old man that it was sometimes boring driving around so he and
other drivers drove down old ladies just for the fun of it. The
old man was a bit nervous but tried not to show it trying to fit
in the capital's life. Then the driver shouted "There! An old lady!" and
hit the gas. The car rushed toward the old lady. At the last second
the driver turned so he would not kill the old lady, but at this
instant he heard "BUNK". He turned his head to see the old man with
a big smile "I got her using the door."
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a barber who noticed that the same man came every day
to the barber's shop and asked "How many are waiting?" Then he left.
The barber was curious and asked his pupil to follow the man the
following day. Next day the pupil followed the man and came back to
the barber's shop. The barber asked "Where did he go?" The pupil
answered "To your home."
------------------------------------------------------------
A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an
announcement over the intercom. Putting the mike down he hits the
off switch. Unknown to him the switch is malfunctioning and his
conversation is broadcast into the passenger area.
"Take over for a while, Dave" the pilot says to his co-pilot, "I think
I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess."
At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and
gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarrassed and can no longer stay
at her post, so she hurries towards the cockpit. But in her haste, she
trips and falls to her knees in the aisle.
She happens to land next to a sweet old lady who turns to help her up.
As she does so, the lady says sweetly:
"Don't rush dearie - he said he had to take a shit first."
------------------------------------------------------------
A nun joke in which not a single nun gets fucked (amazing isn't it?):
A pale-faced nun, apparently in shock, enters the office of the old
mother superior and reports very shyly, almost blushing:
"Mother Superior, we -er- we have discovered a case of syphilis!"
"Oh! How wonderful", says the old nun, "I was getting sick of the Chablis."
(Well in the end a nun DID get fucked, I guess.)
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Software and cathedrals are much the same -
first we build them, then we pray." (Sam Redwine)
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:49 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 58
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to
save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws
a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself
and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant
is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that
he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be
in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the
elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
out to safety.
Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."
------------------------------------------------------------
Man in a pub with a friend.
A: Something amazing happened to me last night.
B: What's that?
A: I was at the home of a guy I know, and I was in bed with his wife while
he was out at the pub. We were really going at it, and suddenly we heard
a car screech to a halt outside. My lover looked horrified. "Oh my god!
My husbands arrived home!" she said. "Christ! What do I do?" I cried.
"You'd better jump out the window before he finds you", she said, so
I quickly got out the window. It was dark so I couldn't see, and I didn't
want to fall to my death so I hung by my fingers to the window ledge.
B: Wow. That sounds bad.
A: It gets worse! Her husband entered the room, and he sounded very drunk.
While I was hanging there I heard him get into bed and they were soon going
at it, very noisily. After they'd finished, he got out of bed, opened the
window and started peeing out the window, all over me, even though he
couldn't see me! But of course I daren't let go...
B: Wow. That sounds really bad.
A: It gets worse! A bit later he opens the window and starts crapping out
the window, goddamn it! All over me again!!!
B: Wow. That sounds really really bad.
A: It gets worse! Even later on, he opens the window again and this time
he damn well pukes out the window, all over me again!!!
B: Wow. That sounds really really really bad.
A: It gets worse! I'd had enough by this time, so I let go. And then I
realised I was only 2 feet from the ground!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
H A P P I N E S S C H A I N
------------------------------
This chain is intended for tired, overwhelmed and exhausted husbands.
There is no need to send money. Mail five copies of this to five
friends of yours you have absolute confidence on.
Next, make a parcel with your wife in it and send it to the first one on
the list, placing your very name after the last place. You will be sent
15.625 women. Some of them could be interesting or, at least, different
>from your own. Do not cut this chain. A husband did, and he got his wife
back. A friend of mine has already got 18 women.
------------------------------------------------------------
Advertising in a newspaper:
Big dog for sale, eats anything - fond of children
------------------------------------------------------------
The priest was teaching the Ten Commandments to the Church.
At the 4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", he observed
a man in the front row, who suddenly became very uneasy.
At the 6'th Commandment, the man's face immediately brightened up
in a smile.
When the service was over, the priest went to the man, and asked
for an explanation of his improper behavior.
- 'Well, you see', said the man, 'when you said the
4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", I recognized
that my wallet was gone. But at the 6'th Commandment, I
suddenly remembered, where I'd forgotten it'.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the
impression that you're merely an inarticulate asshole?"
-- Jay "you ignorant splut!" Maynard (jay@splut.conmicro.com)
"Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not inarticulate."
-- Walker Mangum (walker@ficc.uu.net)
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:50 EST
From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 59
A father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says "Mummy, what is that long thing ?"
His mother replies "That son, is the elephant's trunk".
"No, at the other end"
"That son is the tail"
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies "Thats nothing"
The mother goes to buy some icecream ( <-- this bit is improvised ) and the
boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end"
"Oh, that is the tail"
"No, no daddy, the thing below" asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing" says the boy.
Replies the father,
"I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking down the street one day when he sees another man
sprinting towards him.
"What's wrong?" he shouts as the man comes closer.
"There's a lion escaped from the zoo!" the runner replies.
"Really?" says the man, "Which way did it go?"
"Well you don't think I'm bloody after it do you!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Thought for the day:
Don't eat yellow snow.
------------------------------------------------------------
A boy scout was out doing his bob-a-job stint one Saturday in
Farmborough. He walked up to the front door of one house
and rang the doorbell. The owner appeared. "Yes ?"
"Bob a job week, sir !"
At first the man didn't want anything to do with the kid, but eventually
he agreed to give him a job. "You can paint my porch for me", he said.
"The paint and brushes are in the garage - here's the key."
The boy scout toddled off to do the job. Two hours later, he rang the
doorbell. "Job's done", he said, his palm outstretched.
"Harumph. Took your time, didn't you ? Well, okay, here's your FIVE PENCE !"
The boy took the money and started to walk away, but after a few paces he
turned around and said, "Oh, thanks for the donation, but by the way, it
wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari !"
------------------------------------------------------------
This big guy (and I mean *really* big) is sitting in his local pub,
having a beer when this little guy comes running in. "Quick, quick",
he says, "there's a guy in bed with your wife!" The big guy downs
his beer, slams the glass on the bar counter and rushes, swearing,
to his car, a new BMW. With screaming tyres and a gnashing of teeth
he drives home. (He has this big double-story house with garden,
palm trees etc.) His wife just manages to meet him at the door, still
buttoning up her blouse, hair all in a mess and a looking a bit
flushed. "Where's the bastard, I'll kill him", says the big guy and
rushes up the stairs to the next floor - bathroom, bedroom kitchen etc.
The search continues for a few minutes amidst much ranting, raving and
further gnashing of teeth when, as he reaches the kitchen, he hears
someone starting up his car. For a second he wavers, but as he's also
a quick-thinking guy, he realizes there's only one thing he can do. So,
he lifts the refrigerator and with a mighty heave throws it out the
window onto the escaping car. All hell breaks loose because our hero
slips in the process and follows the refrigerator out the window onto
the car. Remember, he was on the second floor.
When he wakes up in hospital later he's covered from head to foot in
bandages and plaster and has various broken bones. He turns and sees
he's not alone. The guy next to him is in worse shape than he. So he
says "What happened to you?". "You won't believe it", he replies "I
was sitting peacefully, driving this car when suddenly a refrigerator
falls from the sky, wrecking me and the car". The big guy is just
considering whether to deal with him immediately or to wait until he's
recovered when the other guy says, "But you should see *him* - he
looks really bad." The big guy looks around and sees that there is yet
a third man in the room, and he is badly beaten up - all arms and legs
broken, everything in plaster, only eyes and mouth sticking out etc.
(the classic picture). "What happened to you?", says the big guy. The
third guy can hardly talk and obviously hadn't been following the
conversation. "It's a long story", he manages to utter "but, basically,
you see, I was sitting inside this refrigerator ..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
"Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain."
-- Joe Bak
0, unseen,,
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:54 EST
From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 60
What happens if a Limburger (inhabitant of Limburg, the most southern Dutch
province next to Belgium) emigrates to Belgium?
The IQ in both Belgium and the Netherlands increases dramatically!
------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a pet shop in Farmborough and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."
------------------------------------------------------------
There's this guy, and he's in bed with a woman as a car is heard drawing up
outside. "That's my husband, home from work early," says the woman. "You'd
better go and hide in the wardrobe". Thankful for any place of safety, the man
picks up his clothes and jumps into the wardrobe. As he's standing there in
the dark, a little voice says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here?", and the man
realizes that his lover's 10-year-old son is in the cupboard with him. "I saw
everything that you did," says the boy, "and I'm going to tell my Daddy --
unless you give me a pound." Secretly thinking it cheap at the price, the man
hands over the money to buy the boy's silence.
After a week or so, though, the boy begins to feel bad about what he's done,
and he decided to go to confession at his church, and confess his sin. He
waits his turn, and steps into the darkened confessional. Closing the door, he
says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here", which produces the reply from the other
side of the grille, "Oh, Christ, not *you* again!".
------------------------------------------------------------
The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll
in the woods to find the door of their little house open.
Cautiously, they went inside. After a while, big Daddy Bear's
deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge !"
Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge !", she said.
Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Bugger the porridge -
someone's nicked the video !"
------------------------------------------------------------
Seen in the men's lavatory:
Hi, I am 9.5 inches long and two inches thick.
Under which was the reply:
Interesting, and tell me, how big is your dick?
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
The real meaning of EMACS is ...
... EMACS makes a computer slow.
-- John F. Haugh II
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:32 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 61
Seen in the men's lavatory:
More than three shakes is masturbation.
------------------------------------------------------------
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to
tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy! What a giant pussy!
Woman (angry): Why did you have to say it twice!?
Doctor: I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------
Once Reagan visited India and was touring the country-side with
Rajiv Gandhi. At quite a few places, he noticed people shitting
out in the open. Wanted to help, he drew his cheque book out, and
offered the Indian Premier a cheque worth $.... to build a few
toilets. It embarrassed Rajiv to the n-th extent, but he had no
other option than to accept it.
Well, a time came when Rajiv visited the States. Whenever he
went out he keenly searched for someone shitting out in the open;
Sothat he could put Reagan in a similiar embarrassing position.
To his luck, he found one man shitting in the open. Pleased
very much, Rajiv offered Reagan a donation for building a toilet.
Refusing it, Reagan said calmly:
"He has his own toilet. But he insists on shitting like this.
You know, he is the Indian ambassador".
------------------------------------------------------------
One night our friend, lets call him Jim, was out on the town. It was one of
those nights when it was raining and he was _forced_ into a Pub for shelter.
You know the sort of night I mean. Well as soon as Jim went into the pub he
met a few friends and so he had a few drinks, and a few more, and a
few more......
12.00 o'clock and Jim with a rather large smile starts to stagger home
through the rain. As is usual with this state of being, Jim decides that
there is nothing better than an Indian Curry. So off he goes to his local Taj
Mahal Take-Away. He goes in an orders an _extra-extra-hot Vindaloo Curry_.
15 minutes later Jim arrives back home. He places the Curry on the kitchen
table and heads upstairs for a good piss. While he is upstairs relieving
himself the cat comes over to the table. Now the cat had been neglected and
was rather hungry, so it decided to have a go at the curry. Nibble, nibble,
chomp, chomp, lick, lick. End of Curry. Just as the cat was licking the plate
in comes Jim. Shock horror - anger - Jim starts to get mad. Grabs cat by scruff
of neck and drags it outside. "You horrible little moggie, I hate you, you're
dead now" rants our friend Jim. He fills a dustbin with water and throws the
hissing cat into the bin and place the lid on top of the bin. Then he puts a
concrete block on the bin, just to be sure.
Jim returns to his sitting room and sits down feeling very sorry for himself.
A few minutes later he hears a knock on the window. He goes over and opens
it. Who should be there but the cat. Jim can't believe his eyes.
The cat looks at Jim and says "You wouldn't happen to have any more water ,
please ? ".
------------------------------------------------------------
A waiter goes up to a bloke in the restaurant to take his order.
The guy at the table says "I'd like the fried lobster, with french
fries and broccoli."
The waiter replies "I'm sorry, sir. We have no broccoli"
The bloke says "Never mind, instead I'll have the roast duck, roast
potatoes, cabbage and broccoli"
The waiter says "Er, no sir, we really have no broccoli today."
The guy says "Oh, in that case I'll have the chicken, sprouts,
carrots, and broccoli."
The waiter is by now well pissed off. "Listen, sir, how do you spell
DOG, as in dogmatic?"
"D-O-G"
"How do you spell CAT as in catastrophe?"
"C-A-T"
"And how do you spell FUCK as in broccoli?"
"Huh? There's no FUCK in broccoli."
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you for the past ten minutes, you
stupid git!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:40 EST
From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 62
Seen in the men's room:
Stand close, It's *shorter* than you think.
------------------------------------------------------------
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble
yourself.
Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the
cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes
and the whole cupboard collapses.
Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles
the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the
instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes
and the whole cupboard collapses.
Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the client service. She is told
that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have
a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard.
Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses.
Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to
reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find
out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the womans husband comes home, sees the cupboard and
says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here
waiting for the train".
------------------------------------------------------------
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
------------------------------------------------------------
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man's best friend is his dogma.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:52 EST
From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 63
A penny saved is ridiculous.
------------------------------------------------------------
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
------------------------------------------------------------
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
------------------------------------------------------------
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:59 EST
From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 64
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
------------------------------------------------------------
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gravity brings me down.
------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
------------------------------------------------------------
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:01 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 65
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
------------------------------------------------------------
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
------------------------------------------------------------
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:04 EST
From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 66
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
------------------------------------------------------------
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
------------------------------------------------------------
If everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane!
------------------------------------------------------------
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
-- E. B. White
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:07 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 67
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
------------------------------------------------------------
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
------------------------------------------------------------
Take an astronaut to launch.
------------------------------------------------------------
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
------------------------------------------------------------
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:11 EST
From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 68
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbits?
------------------------------------------------------------
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
------------------------------------------------------------
Semiconductors are part-time musicians.
------------------------------------------------------------
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two is company, three is an orgy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:14 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 69
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
------------------------------------------------------------
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
------------------------------------------------------------
The best things in life are for a fee.
------------------------------------------------------------
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:17 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 70
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
------------------------------------------------------------
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
------------------------------------------------------------
How to buy a stereo.
1)
Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.
Multiply by a factor of 100.
2)
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably
blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3)
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look
very C00L.
4)
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible.
(e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
5)
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should
look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important.
(e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
6)
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
7)
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the
mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8)
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the
house.
9)
Components should have a cool names.
10)
The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio
station to shame.
11)
Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two
ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and
should be disposed of promptly.
12)
The most important factor....
Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Finally stopped Grandma from sliding down the bannister."
"How'd you do that?"
"Wrapped barbed wire around it."
"Guess that stopped her, huh?"
"Not yet, but it sure slows her down."
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emily,
The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw
to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when,
four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
THE WOMBAT
The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:19 EST
From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 71
Q: What do you get if you cross a bird with a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer.
------------------------------------------------------------
Monty Python:
- My dog's got no nose.
- But how does it smell?
- Awful.
Atomic version:
I say, I say, I live near Sellafield and my dog's got no nose,
six legs, two heads, and it glows in the dark.
How does it smell?
Vile...But then I forgot to tell you, it's dead.
Islamic version:
I say, I say, my dog's got no legs.
Why not?
It ran off with my slipper so I chopped them off.
------------------------------------------------------------
The scene: a train in Poland. In one coach are an old woman, a pretty girl, an
army officer, and a Solidarity worker. The train goes through a dark tunnel,
and in the darkness a kiss is heard, followed by a slap.
The old woman thinks: "What a brave girl. The officer made a pass at her, and
she defended her honour."
The girl thinks: "How strange. The officer must have tried to kiss me, and got
the old woman instead."
The officer thinks: "What bad luck. The worker kissed the girl, and she slapped
me instead."
The worker thinks: "Neat trick. I kiss the back of my hand, hit the officer and
get away with it."
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know the Shuttle commander was on the radio when the shuttle blew up?
And on the walls, and on the windscreen, and on the ceiling.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's NASAs favourite cocktail?
A: Seven Up with a dash of Teacher's on the rocks.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:27 EST
From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 72
Q: Why do the Americans drink Pepsi?
A: Because they can't get Seven Up.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It has come through that florida has an Education problem."
"Oh?"
"They've got 1 teacher spread over the whole state."
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fit 11 astronauts in a VW Bug?
Two in the front, two in the back and seven in the ashtray.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:34 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 73
Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician.
"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a
blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works
me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued.
"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for
a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a
marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give
me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You
think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00
I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all
kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up:
"Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I
wake up."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws
to a close, in some small synagogue, the rabbi is praying fervently.
"Oh, God," he says, "I am nothing before you!" The cantor also says
"Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" Then the beadle, inspired by their piety,
cries out, "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" The cantor raises his eyebrows,
looks at the rabbi, and says "Nu, look who thinks he's nothing!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they
spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and
overshoots. The second aims and undershoots.
The third shouts out "We got him!".
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:40 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 74
(Scene: My girlfriend and I are in a restaurant, and a strikingly
attractive woman walks by.)
Girlfriend: Would you date her?
Me: Ummm...1958?
------------------------------------------------------------
The following story is an excerpt from an interview with singer
Tom Jones published in the San Fransisco Examiner 2/12/89.
The interviewer asked Mr. Jones whether he ever has problems with
the husbands of the women who throw their underwear onto the stage
during his performances.
"One night a woman came down to the stage to retrieve an
undergarment and I gave her a big kiss. I asked her name,
and if she was married. She said 'yes' and pointed out
her husband at a nearby table. I explained to him that the
kiss was all in fun and that I hoped he hadn't taken offense.
He just smiled and said, 'Look, you pump up the tires, and
I'll ride the bike.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctors, and says ' Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.
I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She
does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
'Well, what is it ??' he asks.
'It's a bit embarrasing,' she replies ' These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause
is. Then he suddenly asks 'Have you been having an affair with a gypsy
lately ?? '
The woman blushes and says 'Well, actually I have.'
'Thats the problem, ' the doctor says ' Tell him his ear-rings aren't made
of gold !!!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was approached by the devil one day. The Prince of
Darkness informed him that he could arrange it so that he would win _all_
of his court cases, make twice as much money, work half as hard, be
appointed to the Supreme Court by the age of 49, and live to be 90. All
he had to do was promise the devil his soul, the soul of his wife, his
children, and the souls of all of his ancestors.
The lawyer thought for a minute, and then responded: "So what's
the catch?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and Italian girls alike?
They both change their pads after three periods.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:43 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 75
What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?
A tourist.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who lies on your doorstep ?
A. Matt.
------------------------------------------------------------
So, it was WW2 and a ship was sailing over the seas
when suddenly the captain runs to Bjorn who was stearing the ship and shouted:
"There's a torpedo coming towards us! Go tell the boys downstairs
to wear their life-jackets, but try not to cause any panic."
Well, Bjorn had a sick sense of humour and so he went under the deck and said
to the crew: "You know, I bet that if I put my cock on the table, the whole
ship will explode!"
Everybody laughed, but Bjorn insisted on making the bet.
"I tell you guys, you better wear your life-jackets!"
Still laughing, the men put on their jackets, and then Bjorn laid his genitals
on the table. BOOM!!! The crew found themselves floating in the sea.
The captain spotted Bjorn, swam to him and shouted in anger:
"What the HELL were you doing down there!!!??? The torpedo missed us
by ten meters!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three youths were seated in a restaurant near an elderly lady, whom
they conspired to shock. Said the first in a load voice, "I was born
three months before my parents were married."
"My father was always too drunk to get married at all," said the
second.
"I never knew who my father was," said the third.
The old dear, upon hearing this conversation, turned and said,
"Would one of you three bastards mind passing me the salt?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:49 EST
From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 78
Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets
a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a lada before, asks: "What are you?"
the lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... giggle... I'm a horse...."
------------------------------------------------------------
A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into
their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the
woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she
finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.
Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to
go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe
and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's
glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes
something: he can't remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and
then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn
several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up --
except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.
------------------------------------------------------------
A software company was pondering ways to get more attention for their product.
One person suggested: "Hey, why don't we make it offensive to Shia Muslims?"
------------------------------------------------------------
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the
wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband
who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an
appointment and goes the following day.
The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor : "I am sorry to say but you wife has acute angina..."
Husband : "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to
destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of
gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away , so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to
one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
.....
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
-- Dizzy Dean
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:52 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 79
In SWEDISH roulette, one of six birth-control pills is replaced with an
Aspirin.
In AUSTRIAN roulette, six people sit in a cafe drinking wine,
one of the wines is Austrian made.
In INTERNATIONAL roulette, six people fly in jet aeroplanes,
one of the planes is made by Boeing.
VATICAN roulette: 5 Smarties and a pill.
AFRICAN roulette:
You're surrounded by beautiful ladies. Each of them wants to have oral sex
with you and one is a cannibal.
NORTHERN IRISH roulette: Six people play "Pass the parcel" (imagine the rest)
------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one
of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style.
After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc..
he got to one that asked:
"Have you ever been imprisoned?"
After thinking about that for some time he entered:
"I didn't know it was still a requirement"
------------------------------------------------------------
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
"Blindfold?", he inquired.
"No, thank you," said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as no to be heard.
"Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you."
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
"Cigarette?" offered the captain.
"No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't smoke."
Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned i
in and spoke in a confidential tone.
"No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad."
------------------------------------------------------------
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: the country through which Hannibal went with
his Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
------------------------------------------------------------
One morning Daddy bear came down to breakfast, to find his porridge
bowl empty. Seeing this he growls, "Who's been eating my porridge?"
Similarly Baby bear came down and foun his bowl empty also, at which he
squeals, "Someone's gobbled up all my porridge!"
At that moment Mummy bear came out of the kitchen and replied,
"You stupid bastards, I haven't made it yet!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:57 EST
From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 80
Quote: "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to
the other "Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike?" Bill replys
"Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed
rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said 'You
can have anything you want!'"
"Good idea", Bill's friend replied. "Her clothes probably wouldn't
have fit you anyway."
------------------------------------------------------------
Salman Rushdie plans to release another book soon.
It's tentatively titled: "Buddah, You Fat Slob".
------------------------------------------------------------
"Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing
non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens
------------------------------------------------------------
[Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to
England to kill Salman Rushdie." --Alex Reid
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:00 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 82
Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact
Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and
we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on
the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never
even moves.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse a stupid person?
A: 7.
------------------------------------------------------------
One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm
going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
<Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark>!"
The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."
The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."
The next day, the headlines read, <Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet>.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What makes a woman pregnant, but not big-bellied?
A: Sperm-light!
------------------------------------------------------------
"Exxon today announced that, following the Alaskan oil tanker
disaster, they now have several hundred tonnes of dead seafood covered
in oily grit. This is about 20 years supply for Mc Donald's
Fillet-O-Fish."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:04 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 83
(From the San Jose Mercury News (3/31) (quoted from memory):)
Press: Mr. Vice President, if you were to suddenly become President, do you
think you would be up to the job?
Dan Quayle: If such an unfortunate thing were to happen, yes, I believe I
would be.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: what does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast?
A: well, this morning i had bacon, eggs, juice...
------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she
says. "Your face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------
If two is company and three is a crowd,
what are four and five? Nine!
------------------------------------------------------------
Man comes home on night when his neighbour stops him:
"You really should close them curtains in the evening, I could see you
and your wife making love last night."
"That's a goddamn lie! I wasn't even at home last night."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
--- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
computer system.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:06 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 84
Dad: "Would you like to have another brother or sister?"
Kid: "I guess it's too late to say no."
------------------------------------------------------------
Three pregnant women were sitting in a maternity ward knitting.
"I hope to have a girl, I'm knitting a lovely pink thing!" said one.
"I hope to have a boy, I'm knitting a lovely blue thing!" said another.
"I hope to have a spastic!", said the third,
"What on earth for?" shouted the other two,
"I've just fucked-up the sleeves!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After
a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against
the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but
still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as
he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls
out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person
who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the
dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car,
bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out
which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."
------------------------------------------------------------
The University of Utah has announced that they
can turn seawater into fuel.
Exxon's already doing that in Alaska.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a human?
A: It depends on whether or not they think lightbulbs'
rights are worth fighting for.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:09 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 85
Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour?
A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common?
A: You should have taken it out earlier.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
------------------------------------------------------------
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts
of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:
"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."
He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive
young lady emerges.
"Do you work here?",he asks.
"Yes",she replied.
"And is the statement ao the sign over there true?"
The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."
"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"
"I do," said the lady.
"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give
me a pound of tomatoes."
------------------------------------------------------------
Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA
A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.
Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
'42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
"What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until you're married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know."
Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.
That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.
After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
"Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled
back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
a pharmacist."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:11 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 86
This bloke pulls into a petrol station in Ireland and asks for five gallons
of petrol.
The attendant replies that they don't sell petrol.
``Don't sell petrol. What sort of a garage is this? Well, check
the oil for me''
The attendant replies that they don't sell oil.
``What!! Top the radiator up for me then''
The attendant again replies that they don't have any water, and that, in
fact, the garage is just a front for the IRA.
``In that case blow my tyres up''
------------------------------------------------------------
A jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery.
So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging.
------------------------------------------------------------
According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a
lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a
conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very
impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was
recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around.
A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were.
He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in
d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e...
<KICK> d-i-t-c-h.
------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS BULLETIN!!!
Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the
fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main
building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons
of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to
the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.
Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the
state-of-the-art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly-marked
building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of
the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
suggest he has a history of drug abuse.
The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the
accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran
out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead
also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard
right".
The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would
assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in
about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated
that they ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an
accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.
When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
to be dispatched to the scene.
On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for
all species.
Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and
reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to
Washington, DC.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:13 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 87
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did _you_ make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"
"Don't stop."
------------------------------------------------------------
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh..........
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.
------------------------------------------------------------
We're in Johannesburg. A policeman goes into a Lutheran church very
early one Sunday morning and spots a black man kneeling before the
altar.
Policeman: Hey, Sambo, what you doin' in here?
Black Man: I'se scrubbin' de floor, boss.
Policeman: Well, get on wid it, an' don't let me catch you prayin'.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Dear Lord:
I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:16 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 88
Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk lorry.
------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a young man whose house was on one side of central London
and whose job was on the other. It was a highly lucrative job, and
after a couple of years he bought himself one of the most expensive new
cars you can imagine. It was really brightly coloured; the horn made a
stentorian Beep-Beep, it went extremely fast, it made a lot of noise,
and all the girls looked at you when you got out of it.
But living in London has its drawbacks, and one of these was that he
scarcely ever had the chance to drive the car at its top speed, and he
found this ever so frustrating. He complained to a friend, who
suggested that he take the car to Ireland. `Ireland had a huge road
building program in the 19th century', the friend explained, `but there
isn't the traffic there, and there's no speed limit'. [All these
purported facts are entirely fictitious but this is a JOKE, not a
tourist guide.] And immediately the young motorist booked his car on the
ferry to Ireland.
The journey took a day; he woke up early in Dublin and jumped into the
driving seat. The car glided onto the main road
south-west, and soon the houses disappeared and the countryside began,
and the road lay straight and empty and wide and level and inviting
before him.
Down went the foot on the accelerator and the needle on the speedometer
jerked clockwise: 120 mph, 130, 140... and then, as suddenly if they
had appeared from nowhere, he saw a man and a donkey crossing the road
in front of him: so unused to traffic that they hadn't bothered to look
out for it. He swerved the car to the right, missing them both, but he
could not stop in time and he crashed the car through a fence and hit an
old tree in the nearby field.
And the old man said to the donkey: `Sure, an' we just got out of dat
field in time, didn't we!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing.
The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got
an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
------------------------------------------------------------
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
As a child, Jesus asked his mother, "Who am I?"
"The angel of the Lord came down and laid his hand upon
me. You're the Son of God," was Mary's reply.
Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, "He damn well better be."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:19 EST
From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 89
Q: What do you call the Lada owner's manual?
A: The bus timetable.
------------------------------------------------------------
In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about
the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom
called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why.
PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?"
Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a
virgin!"
Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?"
FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not
good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!"
------------------------------------------------------------
About as much use as:
- the pope's balls
- an ashtray on a motorbike
- an inflatable dartboard (for campers).
------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times"
Dear Sir,
Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature,
yrs, etc.
------------------------------------------------------------
Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly
gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard.
"Name" says St. Peter.
"Margaret Thatcher" she replies.
Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the
name of our illustrious leader.
"I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell.
Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says:
"Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman
after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the
furnaces to reduce capacity"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:22 EST
From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 90
David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:
10. We've got oil to spare.
9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.
8. Anybody got a tissue?
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.
6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.
3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.
2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!
------------------------------------------------------------
Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:
"The good news is we got them down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."
------------------------------------------------------------
This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State
Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When
he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone
at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken
on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service
by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car,
pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says "No thanks, I just bought some."
------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish
at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always
leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat
but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned
the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started
watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The
man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early
afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed
like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged
pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to
come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at
a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.
Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am
a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to
the ranger.
Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A child, living in the inner city, goes on a school trip to see a
farm. When he gets back home, he discusses the visit with his father.
``So how was your trip, son?'' says the father.
``It was really good Dad. We went round and saw all the animals. First
we saw the goat, and it was really funny 'cos it had a big pointy
beard; and then we saw the chickens, and they were dead good 'cos they
were scratching in the ground and digging up worms; and then we saw a
field full of fuckers; and then we went to see the woolly sheep...''
``Hang on a minute,'' says the father, ``what was in that last
field?''
``What? The sheep?''
``No, the one before that.''
``Oh, the fuckers. Well, the teacher called them "heifers" but we knew
what he meant.''
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
If anything can go wrong, it will.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:24 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 91
"When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike.
But then I realised that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."
------------------------------------------------------------
Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers:
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened
the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left Starboard Right''
------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing
machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired
and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.
Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine."
She said "I've got a headache."
He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned
to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."
He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."
------------------------------------------------------------
It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course
that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on
the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the
road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns
round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The
second man turns round to him and says...
M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse."
M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..."
------------------------------------------------------------
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
-- Author unknown
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:27 EST
From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 92
How do you get 100 Liverpool supporters in a mini?
Get the police to open the doors for them.....
------------------------------------------------------------
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get fresh air into a Russian church?
A: You click on an icon, and a window opens.
------------------------------------------------------------
Entry in young woman's diary :
Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.
My legs are still my best friends.
Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away.
My legs are still my best friends.
Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away.
Even the best of friends must part!
------------------------------------------------------------
Here's the punchline:
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W. C. Fields
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:29 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 94
Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer
match?
A: They sell beer at an English soccer match.
------------------------------------------------------------
One day, when John was walking on the beach, he saw a girl crying in
a wheelchair. He felt pity for her, so he walked up to her.
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I'm never been hugged in my life.
No problem for John, he hugged the girl and she was happy.
The next day, though, he was walking on the very same beach,
and the very same girl sat there crying in that very same wheelchair.
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I've never been kissed in my life.
No problem for John. He kissed the girl and she was happy.
After a week, on a pier in Bournemouth (to be original...) he saw
the very same girl, in another wheelchair, crying. (had to change
>from that tedious beach)
-Why are you crying ? He asked.
-I've never beeen fucked in my life.
No problem for John. He just lifted her out of the chair and threw
her into the water.
-Oh no, I can't swim! the girl screamed.
-Yeah, I know, so now you're fucked !
------------------------------------------------------------
A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met
individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The
American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I
encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that
crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the
Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of
puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the
gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he
decided the Parthenon -- the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and
Henry -- was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them --
while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He
cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or
Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a
saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them.
Allan Fotheringham,
in "Capitol Offences: Dr. Foth meets Uncle Sam"
------------------------------------------------------------
There's this pheasant standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree" sighs
our feathered friend, "but I haven't got the energy." (bit of a
lazy layabout pheazzy) "Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings"
replies the bull sympathetically "they're packed with nutrients".
So our hero pecks at a lump of dung and finds he has enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more eating
he can reach the second branch, and so it continues. Two weeks later we
find our plumed friend perched on the top of the tree proudly surveying
the countryside where he is spotted by the local farmer. "What a beautiful
creature" says the farmer as he dashes into the farmhouse. It is the work
of an instant for him to emerge with a shotgun and blow the f**k out of
the pheasant.
The moral of this minor tragedy? Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there!
------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire
Alarm went off...one jumped up and headed for the door...his friend
shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"...Tom replied,
"I'm not, but my girl friend's husband is!".....
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:32 EST
From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 95
"James, I've decided to commit suicide. Drive over that cliff."
------------------------------------------------------------
The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.
The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught
and must be punished.
Prison Guard: "OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three
lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering
of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on
your back?"
Jenkins: "Oil."
PG: "OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now... _ONE!_"
Jenkins: " AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!"
PG: "_TWO!_"
Jenkins: "Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!"
PG: "_THREE!_"
Jenkins: "AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)"
PG: "Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?"
Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): "Nothing."
PG: "Have it your way... _ONE!_"
Baxter: "Didn't feel it."
PG: "_TWO!_"
Baxter: "Ha, ha, ha!"
PG: "_THREE!_"
Baxter: "No sweat."
PG: "Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?"
Goldstein: "I'll have Baxter."
------------------------------------------------------------
A commercial traveller was passing through a small town
when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
it's the one in the coffin."
------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer is about to visit his wife at hospital. He enters (at non-visiting
hours), and is asked to sit down and wait. After half an hour, he began to
be a bit nervous, so he started walking. After another half hour af walking
in the waiting room, he began to explore the corridors. At the end of the
first corridor there was a door. Next to the door was a push button, and a
sign saying "push the button".
"Why should I push the button?", the man thinks, and turns around.
After two or three steps, he thinks "Maybe it's best to do as the sign says",
so he turns around again, and pushes the button.
Five seconds later, the door opens and a man asks "Yes? What can I do for you?"
- Do for me??? I just pushed the button, the man says pointing at the sign.
- Was there nothing you wanted???
- No. I just pushed the button.
The man behind the door shakes his head and closes the door. Our hero, the
farmer, starts his walk back to the waiting room.
After a few minutes he enters the corridor again, and of course finds the
door, button and sign again.
He pushes the button, and out comes the man saying "Yes? What can I do for
you?"
- Nothing, sir, I just pushed the button.
- Just pushed the button??? Isn't there anything you want?
- No. I just did as the sign says, the farmer says, pointing at the sign.
The man shakes his head and closes the door and our hero returns to the waiting
room.
After another few minutes he enters the corridor again. Again he finds the
door, button and sign. Again he pushes the button and the man pops out saying
"Ye.... You again! What's the matter with you! It seems as fools are growing on
trees where you come from."
- Yes, and here you just push the button, and they pop out, says the man.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:35 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 96
Mother supreme is praying in the chapel, when she hears from outside a
lot of yelling and laughing. When she look out of the window, she sees
all the sisters riding around on their new bikes. And they have fun!
But because of this noise mother supreme can't concentrate on praying,
so she goes out and says:" Sisters, please! A bit more quiet, or you
all will have to put the saddles back!"
------------------------------------------------------------
It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given gifts
by his congregation. An eldery woman comes up to him and presents him
with several home-baked pies. He graciously accepts her gifts and
heads for home.
Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find that
they are possibly the worst examples of Man's cooking skills yet to be
discovered. Try as they might, they could not stomache the goods and
finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage.
At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the eldery woman
again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies? I made them especially for
you.." Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet wishing
to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do? Finally,
inspiration hits upon him.
"Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like yours lasts
long around our house."
------------------------------------------------------------
This guy is in a bar, talking to this rather nice woman.
He decides to try to get her to come home with him,
and so eventually he persuades her to come back for coffee.
So he's sitting there, on the sofa; they're on their 4th cup of Gold
Blend, and he's got to think of something pretty sharpish. "I know,"
he thinks, "I'll casually mention breakfast." So he looks up and
says, rather nonchalantly, "How do you like your eggs?"
"Unfertilized, thanks!"
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a Mexican jumping bean
with a cucumber? An organic vibrator!
------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:38 EST
From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 97
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives
who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she
noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered
that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She
decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not
quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.
She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around
this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top
of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to
also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When
she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her
left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.
The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left
hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit
the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and
stopped to chat for a while.
This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She
talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that
she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung
down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she
walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny
and then hit the nickel.
The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her
head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the
penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and
asked her out on a date.
After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she
wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he
suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her
head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string
was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.
The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving
her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the
nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the
dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to
marry him.
She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to
worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well
versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and
this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the
top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private
parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new
husband.
A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly
married couple rushed of to their honeymoon. That night she went into the
bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny...
hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit
the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."
Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started
moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the
nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the
nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small
change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Red-tapism:
Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string,
and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs
towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs,
all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or
another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all
apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the others will try to prevent it.
Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new
ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he
knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we
remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The
newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous
new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm.
A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one
makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the
apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.
We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all
apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.
"But Sir, why not?"
"Because that's the way we do things here, lad."
------------------------------------------------------------
A certain vicar decided it was high time he informed his three triplet
daughters about the "birds and the bees", and tested their chastity at the
same time.
Thus he approached his first daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his
manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it was.
"That's your cock", she replied.
"You foul-mouthed young hussy, go and rinse your mouth out with soap!"
stormed the enraged father. Still fuming, he approached his second daughter,
dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she
knew what it was.
"That's your dick", she replied.
"Why, you daughter of Jezebel, you scarlet woman, go and dissolve your tongue
in boiling nitric acid!" [or something] he ranted. In desperation, he sought
his third daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked if
she knew what it was.
"I've no idea", she replied.
"Oh, my darling chaste young child!" he said in delight. "That, my dear, is
my penis."
To which she responded: "Call that a penis?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
A. Where you left it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:41 EST
From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 99
When questioned as to why he vetoed the minimum wage increase,
George Bush is reported to have replied:
"I didn't think Dan Quayle deserved a pay rise."
------------------------------------------------------------
(IEGOYC = Insert Ethnic Group Of Your Choice)
IEGOYC 1: We've decided to keep pigs.
IEGOYC 2: Where you going to keep them?
IEGOYC 1: Oh, in the house seems the best place.
IEGOYC 2: In the house?! What about all the shit?
IEGOYC 1: Oh, the pigs'll soon get used to that.
------------------------------------------------------------
A tired traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after
a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills
out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting
in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a
minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a
double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over
$3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only
been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska,
immediately spys a rather haggerd-looking old salt of
a store clerk sitting by the cash register.
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
"Yep," answers the clerk.
"Big bears?"
"Yep."
"Mean bears?"
"Black bears?"
"Yep."
"GRIZZLIES???!"
"Yep."
"Got any bear bells?"
"What's dat?"
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put
on yer backpack so bears know yer in
the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."
"Yep. Over yonder ..."
"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies.
Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"
"Look fer scatt."
"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"
"Look fer scatt."
"You just said that!"
"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's differnt."
"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
"Bear bells."
------------------------------------------------------------
The weekly bulletin from a local church included the following:
The ideal pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin, but
never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8AM to midnight, and
also serves as the church janitor. He makes $40 a week, wears good
clothes, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and
has 40 years of experience. He makes 15 house calls a day and is
always in his office.
If your pastor does not measure up to these criteria, send this list
to six other churches that are also dissatisfied with their pastor.
Then, bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of
the list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. Surely one of
them will be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke
the chain and got its old pastor back in three months.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:43 EST
From: engbert@cs.vu.nl (=Engbert Gerrit IJff)
Subject: Funky stuff - part xx
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:46 EST
From: raf@minnie.cs.su.OZ.AU (Robert Anton Fabian)
Subject: Funny Songs
Summary: Julie "The Deviate" Andrews
These songs were written by some people here at uni
and they have given me permission to post them here.
They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things"
(I just *knew* that movie had to be good for something)
This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal - really)
Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.
Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't fell so sick.
In response to which came the following song:
WARNING: May be offensive - pretend that it's rot13'd
This was written by someone who won't let me name him here
but honestly, he's the most pious, kindhearted and morally
pure person I know :-) The devil made him do it
Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting undies made out of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.
Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.
When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and <proverbial>.
Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?
BTW - I apologise for misspelling Dan Quayle's name in an earlier article (I
was aping DimOne FeltHead at the time - a bad mistake), but then again I don't
pay any attention to politics over here, why should I give a shit about your
politics?
raf
--
Robert A Fabian | DISCLAIMER: The above views do not
raf@basser.cs.su.oz.au | reflect those of my employer or ...
Basser Department of Computer Science | Wait a minute. I'm a student. I don't
University of Sydney | have a job! Who's got an employer? Whee!
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:48 EST
From: kdq@demott.COM (Kevin D. Quitt)
Subject: Re: Funny jokes that make no sense (was Re: Dada Humor)
In article <2248@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU> tswingle@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU (Tom Swingle) writes:
>
>And the worst part was that after a while he actually thought he got the
>joke.
A friend of mine and I made up a chess variant that used the same
pieces and moves, but we changed the board: we wrapped the back rows of
the opposite teams together, then sliced the board diagonally and laid
it back out flat (not physically, of course), so the starting position
had both sets of pieces along the middle diagonal, with a rook alone in
one corner, etc., etc. Moves were made according to chess rules, but
with this setup, bishops (e.g.) would move orthogonally in one direction
and make knight-like moves in the other (that's how it appeared).
We had originally done this as an exercise in concentration (keeping
the game in one's head). A friend of ours, who fancied himself quite a
chess player, would come by and watch (being too proud to ask the
rules). To keep it interesting, we would roll dice, (which had
- nothing* to do with anything), and then occasionally make comments like
"I was afraid you were going to move your queen, but with that roll...".
And yes, after him watching a few games, he thought he had figured out
how to play the game. (well, it was hilarious at the time). We never did
tell him what was up.
--
_
Kevin D. Quitt demott!kdq kdq@demott.com
DeMott Electronics Co. 14707 Keswick St. Van Nuys, CA 91405-1266
VOICE (818) 988-4975 FAX (818) 997-1190 MODEM (818) 997-4496 PEP last
96.37% of all statistics are made up.
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:51 EST
From: law@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com
Subject: Funny names
I would never bullshit a group full of bullshitters, but I actually talked
to guy who was named Manley Hare on the telephone. And a good friend of mine
swears he went to school with a Harry Wiener.
By the way, since my last name is Law and I'm a EE, I was very tempted to name
my first son Ohms or maybe Murphys. But even I can't be that pricky, at least
not to my own offspring.
RAMBOB
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:55 EST
From: mlindsey@x102c.harris-atd.com (Lindsey MS 04396)
Subject: Re: Funny names
In article <1672.272bee3f@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com> law@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com writes:
>I would never bullshit a group full of bullshitters, but I actually talked
>to guy who was named Manley Hare on the telephone. And a good friend of mine
>swears he went to school with a Harry Wiener.
>RAMBOB
When I went to the University of Florida (78-82), there was a girl named
Bitch Suk Wang. Needless to say, she applied for an unlisted phone number.
In the way of practical jokes, my roomate and I took a study break to buy some
beer on a Spring afternoon. We decided to buy one of the generic Beaver mags
because it had "phonograph sex" included. As it turned out, it had a plastic
recording of an orgy on it. Since our next door neighboors were all young
nurses, and my roomates and myself were all young perverts there was always
lots of wild noises emanating from our building. Anyway, we lowered all the
lights, put the speakers near the windows, and played the pornograph at a very
loud volume. We almost died from laughing when we saw all of the neighboors
looking out their windows and listening very intently to the moans, groans,
and "fuck-me's". It was more fun than the cheap beer (Black Label, ughh!).
"Waste your brain, wax your board, and pray for waves!" Woody in E.G.A.E.
/earth is 98% full! Please delete anyone you can! (anonymous)
$teve Lindsey |-) uunet!x102a!mlindsey
(407) 727-5893 :-) mlindsey@x102a.ess.harris.com
0, unseen,,
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:09:29 EST
From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 100
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla -
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to
have to kiss her", and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union".
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks".
------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of an Irishman:
A little machine that turns Guiness into p*ss.
------------------------------------------------------------
In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model
employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial
setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?
The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day,
monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize
Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one
will have to be fired.
The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even
taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon,
doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.
Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent
workers, the choice is going to be even harder."
The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some
aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She
takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes
back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time
calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes
some more aspirin and leaves early.
The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.
So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill,
you know I either have to lay you or Jack off."
And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because *I've* got
a headache."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm so sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."
------------------------------------------------------------
It's a holiday and the Over-60 club of a small North of England town are
boarding a coach for a trip to the seaside at Whitby. (How Nice!)
As the last aged gentleman is walking along the aisle of the bus to his
seat, the vehicle lurches into motion, causing him to stumble and land in
the lap of a nearby old lady. During the chaos, his elbow pokes the old
woman in the left breast. Regaining his feet, the old man says
"I'm terribly sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I'm sure I'll see you in Heaven!!"
To which the old lady replies
"...and if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'll see you in
Whitby."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
Write-Protect Tab, n.:
A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
momentary inconvenience.
-- Robb Russon
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:07 EST
From: cate7.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 101
Three married couples, aged 20,30,40 years old, want to join the Orthodox
Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest
informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one
small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all
agree to try.
A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He
asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I
spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty
of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said.
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did
you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.
"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all
the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we
were celibate for the entire month."
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about
you?", he asked the 20 year old couple.
"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said
sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce and when she
bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."
"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"
"Yeah, and we're not too welcome at the grocery anymore either"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to Confession and said to the priest : "Forgive me, Father.
I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word.
After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed
straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the
woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration,
my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot
out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a
perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball
stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A Persian in the market in old jerusalem buys a packet of
pecan nuts. He hands one to his wife, who is dutifully following him
around. After a while, she asks for another.
"What for?", he replies, "They all taste the same".
------------------------------------------------------------
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York.
They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it
isn't long before the driver starts talking.
Driver: You're limeys, aren't you?
Man: Aye, we are
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were
W: Ah
D: I was in England, during the war
M: Oh aye
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war
W: Ah
D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, that's where we come from
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley
W: Ah
D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did
W: Ah
D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fuck I've ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_west) OR (cate7.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:12 EST
From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 102
The bear and the rabbit were having a shit in the forest.
The bear asks the rabbit: "Does shit ever stick to your fur?"
When the rabbit says no, the bear wipes his ass with it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
------------------------------------------------------------
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
------------------------------------------------------------
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:16 EST
From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 103
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wasting time is an important part of life.
------------------------------------------------------------
99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
---------------------------------------------------------
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much
better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
license plates.
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they
used candles?
A: Electricity.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:20 EST
From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 104
There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the
other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore
it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."
"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to
be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..."
"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, tell me. Please..."
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I
was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the
kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I
just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a cake shop, goes up to the counter and asks for a doughnut.
The assistant picks up a pair of silver tongs, retrieves a doughnut and
places it on a dish.
The customer says to the assistant "That's very hygenic using a pair of tongs
to pick up the cake!"
"Oh yes sir. This is a very clean shop."
"Well in that case I think I'll also have a choclolate eclair too."
So the assistant picks up the silver tongs and retrieves a chocolate eclair.
While he's doing this the customer looks down and notices a piece of
string sticking out the trouser fly of the assistant.
"What's the string for?" asks the customer.
"Well sir, it's such a hygenic shop that if I want to go to the toilet
I must pull out my willy with the string. That way I don't touch it with
my hands."
The customer thought for a moment and said "Well how do you put it back
in then?"
"Oh that's easy," said the assistant "I use the tongs, silly!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Bumper sticker seen on Stealth bomber:
"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."
------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently this woman's minature schnauzer had an infection
in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown
hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the
hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store
and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an
appropriate product. He went on about how some were better
for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for
removing facial hair. He then said "May I ask where you
intend to use this?"
She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."
He said "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."
------------------------------------------------------------
An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood and
crying. His neighbor is passing by.
"What's wrong?" the neighbor asks.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again.
"I cannot throw away the old one..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IX
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:25 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 105
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
------------------------------------------------------------
A native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back.
He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big
crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field
with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle.
There were three sticks at either end of the strip.
A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters
and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out
came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded
and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs
and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at
either end of the strip and one of the other men came running
towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding
the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.
White man sure knows how to make rain"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15.
Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15... I almost got caught!"
------------------------------------------------------------
NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days,
or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there
nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland
problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are
trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor,
otherwise you might have to see him afterward.
FIRST DAY:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons
(any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only,
then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips
of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
SECOND DAY:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of
Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube
if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an
uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea
over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
THIRD DAY:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers
in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your
best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish
of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
LAST DAY:
Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive,
pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor
and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday.
One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti
and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:28 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 106
Two ex-World War II American Generals were sat in a hotel bar, late at night,
reminiscing over the old days.
The first used to be in the Army, while the second spent his active service
in the Navy. The first general insisted that the Army had the greatest
reputation when it came to women, and that he had slept with hundreds during
the war. However, the second was claiming that the Navy had, by far, the
most virile young men, and that he has slept with more women than the first
General.
"Hoss-piss!!" said the first man "I jest know I's a slept with mow women than
youse!"
"Sheeeeet No!! - I know for a fact that I have!"
"Ok then, when did you last sleep with a woman?" said the first General.
"About nineteen forty-five" said the other.
"You call that VIRILE!! Geez, you're practically CELIBATE!"
So the second general looked at his watch and said "Well don't forget it is
only twenty-one thirty now."
------------------------------------------------------------
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
comet.
MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's
work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show
films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn,
the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs
only every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
------------------------------------------------------------
A leading defense analyst claims to have discovered the reasoning
behind current US foreign policy.
He says that the US were late for the last two world wars and
want to make up for it by being *really* *punctual* this time.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American tourist in a taxi stopped at a
pedestrian crossing controlled by traffic lights:
-- Say driver, what's that beeping noise?
-- Oh, that's to tell blind people that the lights have changed.
-- (pause). Gee, in my country we don't let blind people drive!
------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station:
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:32 EST
From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 107
A Belgian, Hans, meets one of his French friends, Pierre, in the
street, and says:
Hans: "Hi, Pierre! I haven't seen you for a long time! How are you?
And your son, what is he doing now?"
Pierre: "He is studying logic."
Hans: "Logic!?! what is that?"
Pierre: "It is a new, very good school in Paris. Ok, here is an
example: You still have your aquarium, don't you?"
Hans: "Yes!"
Pierre: "So it means you like fishes!"
Hans: "Obviously!"
Pierre: "So it means you like animals."
Hans: "Of course!"
Pierre: "So it means you like the Earth."
Hans: "That's right!"
Pierre: "So it means you like women."
Hans: "Yes!"
Pierre: "So it means you're not homosexual!"
Hans: "What a brilliant demonstration!!! Your son is very clever!"
Very impressed, Hans carries on, and meets another friend:
Hans: "Hi! Have you heard about Pierre's son?"
Other: "No!?! What is he doing?"
Hans: "He is studying Logic; it is very impressive! Look, an example:
do you have an aquarium?
Other: "No!"
Hans: "So you're homosexual!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the Irishman is on holiday with his girlfriend in Las Vegas.
One night they, after paying a fortune for tickets, they go out to
a club where, as paddy assures his friend, they will mingle with
the stars. Sure enough the place is full of stars, and everyone
seems to know everyone else with "Hiya Madonna" and "how do Clint"
all over the place.
Paddy's girlfriend is decidedly unimpressed that Paddy knows none of
these stars, and nobody is interested in talking to them. On a visit
to the toilet Paddy finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra.
Paddy explains the problem to him, tells him that he has been a
fan for years and has all the records and asks him to help him out.
All he has to do is walk past Paddy's table and shout "Howya Paddy".
Frank is in a good mood so agrees to do this.
Twenty minutes later sure enough Frank walks up to the table where
Paddy and his girlfriend are sitting alone talking. "Howya Paddy"
shouts Frank. Paddy turns round and says "Will you ever f**k off Frank,
can't you see that I'm talking to my girlfriend?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two women are walking down the Falls road in Belfast. Says Maire to
Brid "Don't them soldiers look very stupid wearing camouflage in the
middle of the city?" Says Brid to Maire "What soldiers".
------------------------------------------------------------
Two IRA volunteers are waiting in ambush for an English army patrol
that is due to pass at midday. It doesn't arrive at 12, or at 1 and by
2 Seamas is getting worried. "God Sean" says he, "they're awful late.
I hope nothing's happened to them!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
---------------------------------------------
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
"Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:58 EST
From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 108
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem.
She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very
hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor
manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually
perverted.
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks
the doctor.
"Well," said the woman "I like to be..............ohh....
.....ah....ummm....I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed
to talk about it."
"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained
to understand these problems. So what's the matter......?"
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrased that
she just turned bright red, and looked as though she might faint.
It was then the doctor had a bright idea: "Look," he said "I'm
a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion
is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?"
The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed
that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause she said:
"Well my perversion is.......my perversion.......oh......I like
to be kissed on the bottom!"
"Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen,
take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY
perversion is! Hee Hee!"
So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen.
She gets down on all fours thinking to herself "Hmmmm, perhaps he
might kiss me on the bum."
Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers
around the side of the screen to see the doctor sat behind his desk,
his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.
"Hey!" shouted the woman "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
"Oh I am," said the doctor "I've just shit in your handbag."
------------------------------------------------------------
Teamwork
========
There are four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it
Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it
was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
------------------------------------------------------------
An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young
Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not
answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps
silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you
answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on
this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're hand-
some, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love
and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a
son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation
turns to medical miracles:
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a
bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
he's a concert pianist.
Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to
hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn
bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he
was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
the olympics.
Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a
whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not
being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole
place exploded. All they could find of him was his asshole and his
eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back
together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two retired English gents are sitting in their armchairs in a London
Gentlemans club reading their respective papers.
"By jove," said one "do you remember old Crotherrs during the war? Well it
seems that they've found him after forty years living up a tree with a
Gorilla!"
"I say," said the second "male or female Gorilla?"
"Well female of course, nothing queer about old Crotherrs."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:01 EST
From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 109
A man marries a JEG/KfS [Joke Ethnic Group/Known for Stupidity] woman and
all is well for a time. And, as such things happen, they eventually are
going to have a baby.
The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she
calls he husband over and says to him:
"Honey, there's something I really have to tell you."
"Can't this wait" says the husband.
"No", explains the wife. "There is as an very old tradition in JEG/KfS
families that the oldest living male *always* gets to name any new children
born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our
children. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier,
because I didn't want to upset you."
"But, but..." sputters the husband "I *know* your brother. There's no
question but that he'll screw this up!"
"I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be."
Time is getting short, and not wanting to upset his wife any further, the
husband finally relents. The blessed time comes, and to every one's
surprise the mother gives birth to a set of healthy, beautiful twins, a boy
and a girl. The father is of course delighted, but his happiness is
tempered by the question he knows he must ask his wife. Finally, he can
put it off no longer.
"Alright" he asks, taking a deep breath, "what did your brother name our
daughter?"
"Denise" says the mother, quietly.
"Oh", says the surprised father. "That's a pretty name. Perhaps this
won't be so bad after all. What did he name our son?"
"Denephew."
------------------------------------------------------------
In a zoo, a woman sees one of the zookeepers trying to push a Camel into
an enclosure. The camel refuses to move one inch. The woman
says to the (male) zookeeper, "Here, let me help." With that, she goes
behind the camel for a few seconds. Suddenly with a shriek, the camel
gallops away into the distance.
The zoo keeper says, "What did you do?". The woman says, "I tickled his
testicles". The zoo keeper says, "Well, tickle mine, I've got to catch
the bugger now!"
------------------------------------------------------------
It's christmas time, and the postman rings at the door for an urgent letter.
She opens the door, asking for his request. Taking the letter, she said:
"Come in, postman. I'll give you coffee and a good breakfast".
So he came in, took the meal. When he was ready, she said:
"Come on, let's go to bed now." The postman was excited, went with her to
bed, and they had fun together. Afterwards, the woman gave him a dollar-note.
So he said:" What the hell is the reason, you made breakfast for me, went to
bed with me, and know giving me a dollar? I suppose the rest was enough!"
And she answered: "It is X-mas, and I asked my husband, what shall we give
the mailman. And he said 'FUCK HIM, GIVE M A DOLLAR!'
But the breakfast was my idea...."
------------------------------------------------------------
There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend
their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae.
------------------------------------------------------------
Never give advice to people - they won't take it and will then blame you
because it didn't work!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:06 EST
From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 110
The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event
ever started.
------------------------------------------------------------
When Grandma visits her grandson,
he has to go to the little boys room.
Only he isn't capable to go there alone
so his mother says do I have to go with you?
No says the little boy, I want Grandmother
to go with me. Why Grandmother, ask his mother.
Well Mom, Grandmother shakes when she holds him.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5
MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives
past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing buisness."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
------------------------------------------------------------
A young sub-altern was posted to a British army detachment in the
desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergent, he
noticed a group of camels. "What are those for?" "The men use them
when they want to have sex..." "Don't say another word, sergent.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of
those camels immediately!" "Yes, sir."
A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather
horny. He called the sergent over and asked "Where are the camels
we used to have?" The sergent replied that he had sold them to a
Bedouin that camped nearby. "Take me to them, please."
The officer and the sergent went over to the Bedouin camp and
found the camels. The officer told the sergent to leave him alone
with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and
proceeded to have sex with the camel.
On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, "Sergeant, do the men
actually enjoy sex with the camels?" The sergent looked at the
officer in astonishment and exclaimed, "I don't know! They use them
to ride into town where the girls are!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A Belgian rings the doorbell of a brothel. The porter answers:
"Yes? What do you want?"
"I want to, er, get together with one of the ladies."
"Have you got money with you?"
"Yes, I have $10."
"I'm sorry, but that won't do. For such an amount of money you'd better jack
off around the corner."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings again.
"Yes?"
"You forgot the $10. Here you are."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VIII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:09 EST
From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 111
A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eye
patch over his eye. He and the barman starts to talk:
Barman: "What happened to you?"
Sailor: "Well, a whale bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my hand,
and then a bird sh*t in my eyes"
Barman: "You don't lose you eye even if a bird sh*ts in it!"
Sailor: "It's easy when you have had the hook for only one week!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gyn. appointment tommorow."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. This time he wispers in her ear
"Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?".
------------------------------------------------------------
VIKINGS HOME JOURNAL
(Todays Journal for the modern viking)
- Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking
who doesn't have all day to cook.
- War wound stitchery-Don't throw away those severed body parts.
Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new.
- Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not
satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want.
- Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your
neighbors!
- Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon.
- Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is?
- Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father
should read.
- Don't let your viking tupperware party end in a blood bath-Do's and don'ts
for a succesful evening.
- Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer
slaves in the galley!
AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW !
------------------------------------------------------------
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school
work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
------------------------------------------------------------
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by
offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned
you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
change..."
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate V
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:12 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 112
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to
buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled
for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and
he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle
under the pot?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
"And on the third day..." he began,
"No! no! start with the first day." everyone yells out in chorus.
"And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so
she could go to the bathroom..."
------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of a church was a sign,
"If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451"
------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
------------------------------------------------------------
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more
hand outs.
"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
"Trying to teach *us* how to do business!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:15 EST
From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 113
A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it,
and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.
Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the
bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
-"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scoulded him.
-"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't" he replied.
------------------------------------------------------------
A young french girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love, lacking much choice
the girl agreed.
And so everyday the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:
"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Discussion in a shop:
- do you have two-watt lightbulbs, please?
- for what?
- no, two.
- to what?
- yes.
- no.
- grrrr....
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell the age of a dead baby?
A: Cut off its head and count the rings.
------------------------------------------------------------
A telephone call:
- Hello!
- Yes, who is this?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, I'm Knott.
- What?
- Shut up!
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VI
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:19 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 114
New Product Announcement from Black & Decker
Ever wondered if your parking ticket would be blown away by the wind,
or that it would be placed without regard to aesthetics on your windscreen
wiper ? If so, this is the device for you. An all plastic parking
ticket holder, which fits snugly on your windscreen is available for
9.95$. A wide range of colors to suit your car. You will never miss a
ticket again.
------------------------------------------------------------
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide,
"What are those drums" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but
VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide
"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said
"Bass Solo"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's six foot long, grey and floats in the ocean?
A. Moby's dick
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the greatest drawback of the jungle?
A. An elephant's foreskin.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the
office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my
husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he
could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:22 EST
From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Illegal instruction (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 115
Once upon a time, the vicar was walking in the vicarage garden when he
came to a lily pond. There was a little green frog sitting by the
pond.
"My, my, you're a nice little green frog, aren't you?" said
the vicar.
"I'm not really a little green frog" said the little green
frog. "I'm really a choirboy, but a wicked witch put an evil curse on
me, and turned me into a little green frog. The only way I can be
turned back into a choirboy is if some kind mortal were to take me and
put me in their bed for a whole night; then I would be restored to my
former state."
So the vicar, being a kindly sort, took the little green frog,
and he placed it in his bed for a whole night, and in the morning, lo
and behold, the little green frog was restored to his original form as
a choirboy, and they all lived happily ever after.
And that Milord is the case for the defense.
------------------------------------------------------------
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual
lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
------------------------------------------------------------
On an airplane (probably in the first class) a man says to the
stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast'. The
stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this.
But the captain says '$5000? Why not? Go for it!'. So she sits on the
man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fundling her,
kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess
becomes impatient and says 'Would you please bite my breast now?'
But the man says 'Oh no, that's too expensive'.
------------------------------------------------------------
An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprized to find they owe $3000.
'How's this? We've only been here one night!' the man was annoyed.
'So?', said the manager, 'this is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.'
'But we didn't use any of these!' explained the couple.
'If you didn't use - that's your problem.' came the reply.
'In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill.' said the
man.
'What do you mean?', the manager was taken off guard, 'I didn't
sleep with your wife!'
'If you didn't use - that's your problem!!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
Man: Doctor, I have a terrible <FART> problem. I just can't <FART> stop
farting.
Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
down, on the couch.
The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
farting all the time.
Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.
The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike
at one end.
man: <FART> Oh my God! <FART> What are you going to do with <FART> that ?!
Doctor: I need to open a window.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate Illegal instruction (core dumped)
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:29 EST
From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 116
Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all <ethnic> class.
Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class; "Every Thursday
afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you get the answer correct
the entire class can have Friday off."
The class murmers with excitement.
"OK, class", she announces, "How many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?".
The class murmers in dissapointment as they look to each other for help.
"Ok, class, see you tomorrow", announces the teacher.
Later the next week.
"OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many gallons of
water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach.
And again the class murmers in disappointment.
Well, there is little Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of
the next week rolls around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks
into his fathers shop to spray paint them black.
As test time rolls around the teacher says, "Time for our little weekly
quiz, children". At which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket
and rolls them toward the front of the class.
"OK, who's the comedian with the black balls?" shouts the teacher.
"Bill Cosby. See Ya on Monday", retorts Gregory.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
------------------------------------------------------------
An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
large house.
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it
was a Ferrari."
------------------------------------------------------------
A small report from the first European space flight.
The first European space flight is in progress.
On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian.
During the flight the following conversation took place between ground
control and the crew:
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.
Pig 1, how is everything?
Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.
Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and
depress the round one.
Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you.
Pig 2, how is everything?
Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems.
Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please.
Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one.
Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me?
Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control.
Belgian, how is everything?
Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.
Belgian, please repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not
to touch ANYTHING.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a condom and a BMW have in common?
A: They both have a dick inside.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate IV
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:31 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 117
The latest sports news:
Real Madrid 1 - Surreal Madrid Fish
------------------------------------------------------------
Three women are chatting about the various attributes of their men ...
1st woman: I call my man Long John, because he's got a loong john.
2nd woman: Well I call my man Big Dick, 'cos he's got a biig dick.
They then turn to look at their friend ...
3rd woman: Well I call my man Drambuie.
1st woman: What? That's a first class liquor isn't it?
3rd woman: That's right honey.
------------------------------------------------------------
Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and
a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt,
black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black
pair of guns...
Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and
asks:
"Do you have a bucket?"
Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in
black lookes to the bucket, and orders:
"Now, bring me three bottles of whisky."
Seconds later:
"Pour them into the bucket."
And, then:
"And now, bring this to my horse outside."
The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black
tells.
He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely
in black harness. It drinks all the whisky at once.
Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully
looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:
"What do I owe for this?"
Barman, while calculating the price, asks:
"Won't you drink anything?"
The cowboy in black replies:
"No. I don't drink and drive."
------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and
baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and
baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa
stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork
and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork
didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in,
baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama
stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home
by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in
until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa
stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged
himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 % of her intelligence?
A: A widow.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:33 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 118
There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last
twenty years, when all of a sudden a beatiful girl steps up from the see,
wearing a wet suit.
She: "Would you like a cigarette?"
He: "Sure" (he takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it)
She: "Would you like a martini?"
He: "Sure" (he gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her
wet suit)
Then she says, with a strange gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around"
He: "I don't believe that you have got a set of golf clubs in there!"
------------------------------------------------------------
The man says to his wife: "We won't make it through this month without some
additional money."
The wife says nothing. Two days after she says to him:
"I've been thinking. I decided to go prostituting"
Then she shows him $100.25
The man says: "Who gave you the quarter?"
She says: "They all gave me a quarter!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Honeymoon. Walking down 42nd Street they saw a sign advertising "The Great
Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try.
So into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and The Great Gonzo came
out on stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the
robe to show the biggest and hardest erection imaginable. Then he clapped his
hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart on the top of which were three
walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and, one by one,
smashed the walnuts to the thunderous applause of the audience.
This year the couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second
honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street they once again saw
the sign advertising The Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise they decided to
check out the show again. Once they were in the theater the fanfare played and
Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there
was the erection, as big and hard as ever.
This time when he clapped his hands, his now-aged assistant appeared with a
cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member
to smash each of them.
The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained
that they had seem him 40 years earlier.
"But why," they asked, "did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," he replied, "when you get old your eyes start to go."
------------------------------------------------------------
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my
income, subtract from my weight, divide my time,
and avoid multiplying."
------------------------------------------------------------
There were those two Poles that went fishing. They found a lot of fish
and filled the boat. One of them told the other to mark this area for
later time. He cut his initials in the boat. Then they land the boat.
Suddenly one of them says: "Ooh, are we stupid. Think what happens if
we don't get the same boat!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:36 EST
From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 119
There is a story about the first Polish astronauts in space. One of them
went out for a space walk and came back and knocked on the spaceship
door. The other astronaut said "Who is it?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man was sitting at home with his wife and they were watching TV. He
was a chain-smoker and suddenly runs out of his cigarettes. He says to
his wife: "I'm going to the bar to get some more cigarettes".
At the bar he sees this gorgeous and attractive girl. They start to
talk and then they decide that he will go home with her. There they
start f*cking each other. Suddenly the man looks at the clock: "Hey,
its 0:30. Time for me to go home".
He dressed, runs for the door, stop and says: "Do you have any talcum
powder?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Sprinkle a little talcum on my hands"
She sprinkles a little talcum on his hands, then he went to his wife.
She YELLS: "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, I went to the bar, met this girl, went with her to her
house where we made love to each other"
She looks at his hands. "Don't lie to me. You met the boys and went
bowling with them. I can see the talcum powder."
------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
shut.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I
thought you said a Protestant"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two English yuppies notice that an Irishman of all creatures has
decided to visit their local pub. They decide to convince themselves
that this guy is indeed as stupid as their prejudices would have it,
and that in a - shall we say - rather intimidating fashion... So one
of them walks up to him and says :
- Say Paddy, did you know that St. Patrick was a %{body}amp;$@@ ?
- No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.
- Paddy, did you also know that he was a &^%&$*%@@!!% ?
- No, repeats the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.
- And did you know that he was a big &^*&^ son of a $#%$#%$##$%%^ ?
- No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me.
The other yah walks up to the Irish guy and tries to finish it all
off.
- And Paddy, did you know that your beloved St. Patrick was ENGLISH ?
- Well, no - but your friend just told me.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:44 EST
From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 120
One year at halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party.
all the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce
what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"
and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but
apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that
the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department
The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock I cannot announce
anything like that to such a gathering.
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"
------------------------------------------------------------
Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were
taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a
small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room,
an one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the
old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling,
ding-a-ling.
"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."
Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as
the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and
the bell silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted.
"You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
DING-A-LING.
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and
asked her what was wrong.
"The busdriver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a frigid woman with an Apple?
A: A computer that won't go down!
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate VII
---------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com)
To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours.
We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke.
(Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:47 EST
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 121
1st Person : I'm a philatelist - I collect stamps.
2nd person : I'm a lepedoptorist - I collect butterflies.
3rd person : I'm a bastard - I collect the poll tax!
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you locate your car in a big parking lot?
1. Divide the lot in two and decide in which half your car is.
2. Then you go into that half and start again from step 1 until there
is only one car left. This is your car.
3. Drive away.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What to you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
A: Douglas.
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman enters the butcher's.
"One of those sausages, please."
"Sliced?"
"No, my pussy ain't a coin machine."
------------------------------------------------------------
Cartoon Laws
Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
Cartoon Law I.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX.
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law X.
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
-From: paquette@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Trevor Paquette)
-From: baldwin@usna.MIL (LT Justin D. Baldwin <baldwin@usna>)
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
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(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:49 EST
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 122
It seems this guy was an incurable practical joker, particularly when people
got married. So when he got engaged he became very nervous and was constantly
looking out for retaliation. But everything went smoothly. No problems at
the wedding or the reception, and he and his bride left for their honeymoon.
After a long and wonderful night together they decide to use room service to
order breakfast. He reaches for the phone:
Happy groom: "This is room 435. We'd like to order breakfast sent up."
Room service: "For how many people?"
Happy groom: "2"
from under the bed: "Make it 5!"
------------------------------------------------------------
You help a man in trouble and he will never forget you. Especially the
next time he is in trouble.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"
"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one
says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best
Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well.
He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two
great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other
is the best doctor in the city."
------------------------------------------------------------
Reminds me of another story. A black man and a white man were discussing
God. The white man was certain that God was white, and the black man
equally sure that he was black. Eventually they decide to resolve the
matter once and all the next Sunday by praying in Church and asking God
directly.
So they do that. and to their surprise a great booming voice comes down
>from above, saying "I Am what I Am".
"There you are," said the white man, "that proves it. God is white."
"How come? All he said was 'I am what I am'."
"That's just it! If God is black he'd have said 'I Is what I Is.'."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V
---------------
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Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
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0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:52 EST
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 123
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It
happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world,"
she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the
Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded
lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must
take the famous Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and tsked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
------------------------------------------------------------
They have a new test at the Finnish police headquarters:
count to 20 without taking your shoes off.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many East Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. No, four. Hold on a minute, better make that three...
------------------------------------------------------------
A poster in sci.astro asked why the moon appears larger on the horizon
than at the zenith. The following responses appeared:
(excerpts, revised)
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Date: 16 Aug 87
Subject: The real truth about the moon
Newsgroups: sci.astro
Actually the moon appears so much larger because it is almost
twice as close to you when on the horizon as it is when it is
overhead.
When the moon is on the horizon, it is attracted by all the mass
of the Earth you see running from where you are standing to the
point on the horizon where you see the moon. Up above you,
there is no mass of Earth between you and the moon, so the force
is less.
The massive force brings the moon much closer when it rises and
sets. As it gets higher, the force is less, and it moves
further away. Then it comes back in again.
The moon is actually closest to the Earth when below the
horizon, only you can't see it then. Those of us on the other
side of the Earth actually get a really good view. Apollo
reached the moon by leaving from the other side of the Earth
when the moon was close.
_________
From: al@gtx.com (0732)
Date: 20 Aug 87
Subject: Re: The real truth about the moon
Newsgroups: sci.astro,talk.bizarre
Of course, no one who lacks even a cursory knowledge of
elementary physics can doubt that the above explanations have
merit, but the primary effect is a physiological one. As one
tilts his head back to observe the moon at the zenith, the lens
of the eye is flattened by gravity and its magnifying power is
decreased.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Kiwi's what does that make Cheeta?
A: Smarter than the pair of them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
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current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
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regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
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0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:54 EST
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 124
Two [IYFEG] are watching a movie on their TV. One of them says to the
other :
"I bet ten bucks that the bandit will see the hero and avoid being shot !
-OK !", answers the other.
Then the bandit is shot to death by the hero...
The first [IYFEG] gives the money to his friend and mumbles :
"I don't understand... I have already seen that movie before !
-So why did you bet on the bandit rather on the hero ?!?!
-I thought this idiot could have learned from the first time !!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a LADA and a golf-ball?
A: You can drive a golf_Ball 360 yards...
------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me
$5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do you feed babies baked beans?
A. So you can find them in the dark.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats red and climbs up your leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:57 EST
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 125
Q. What goes bounce, bounce, bounce, thud?
A. A baby falling down the stairs.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two tramps walking down a road feeling sorry for themselves since they've
had nothing to eat for 2 weeks.
Then one of them spots a dead dog lying by the side of the road. He rushes over to it, pulls of a leg and starts chewing.
The other tramp looks on in disgust not wishing to join in on the feasting.
His friend looks up from his meal and asks, "Dont you want any?".
He says nothing, but screws up his face and turns away.
After his friend has eaten all he can they both continue on their journey down
the road.
They haven't gone far when the tramp who ate the dog throws up on the road.
His friend bends down and starts to eat the bits of meat in the sick.
The other tramp looks on in wonder and finally ask his friend, "I thought you
didn't like dead dog?".
"I do..", says the other tramp, "But only when it's warm!".
------------------------------------------------------------
Women about men:
Men are like cars, you have to be careful not to get under them...
Men about women:
Women are like buses, if you miss one there will always come a new one...
------------------------------------------------------------
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and
the owner of a small delapidated boat.
It happened that the same day that John's wife died,Joe's boat sank.
A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his
brother John, said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great
loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry.
She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she
smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made
water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the
front, and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every
time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when
anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.
What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town
came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her
and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they
insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that
the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too
much for her, she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted.
------------------------------------------------------------
'The World According to Student Bloopers'
by Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
(Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4)
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in
the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because
the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was
a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw,
and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at
the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
were crowing. Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and
odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very
tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
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(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
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(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:00 EST
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 126
I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed
that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus". So
I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.
I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled,
"The light is still red you asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove
off through the light which had just turned green.
------------------------------------------------------------
Young and fresh husband said to his newlywed wife:
I feel like being in paradise with you...
... because we have no clothes to wear and the LandLord wants to kick us out!
------------------------------------------------------------
Two typical Londen drunks having their beers at the bar in a pub.
It's a London pub with a nice an cosy wallfire, a big carpet on the
floor. On the carpet there is a dog,... licking his bollocks. You know,
like dogs do! One drunk turned around, and said: "Hey George, I wish
I could do that". George said: "Give him a biscuit! He might let you."
------------------------------------------------------------
To: All employees
Re: Special High Intensity Training
In order to insure that we continue to produce the higest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all empoyees well trained through
our program of " SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving
our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer in the state.
If you feel you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your immediate supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list of special attention.
------------------------------------------------------------
What goes plink, plink fizz?
Two babies in an acid bath.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:02 EST
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 127
This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no
- man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter,
cook, and troubleshooter in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome
dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark,
young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the
Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his
guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to
be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very
agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's
shrink in cold water?'"
------------------------------------------------------------
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on
earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter
kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him
- did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating
it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost
finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he
puked all the soup back into the dish.
Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two english gentlemen were sitting by the river Thames, fishing.
Suddenly one of them hauled up a beautiful mermaid. The happy
man sat with the mermaid on his knee for almost five minutes before
he suddenly threw her back into the river.
"But why?" the other gentleman asked in a shocked voice.
"But how?" the first one answered.
------------------------------------------------------------
What screams and can't turn round in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its neck.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:11 EST
From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 128
Have you heard about the [IYFEG] who locked his keys in the car?
He thought for an hour how he could get his family out.....
------------------------------------------------------------
These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the
state of Missouri.
Music Education
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on
the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.
------------------------------------------------------------
And there there were these three nuns, who died and went to
heaven, like true nuns do. Being in heaven, they are rewarded
by the High one, for the fulfilling of their holy duties.
Their reward is being someone they choose, for three weeks.
The first nun Chooses to be Marilyn Monroe, for, as the nun
explains, Marilyn was considered the Goddess of love.
Likewise, the second nun chooses to be Jayne Mansfield, because
she was someone who shamelessly enjoyed everything in life.
After listening to the first two nuns, the third considered, and
said: "I want to be Sahara Pipelines, because a few weeks before
I died, I read in some magazine: `Sahara pipelines laid by 3000
Men'!"
------------------------------------------------------------
How does the [IYFEG] prepare for a trip in ALASKA?
"Remember to pack a six-pack in case I have to leave a message in the
snow!"
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a Belgian spill his pint?
Ask him the time.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IX
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
0, unseen,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:14 EST
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 129
A woman gets on a bus with three sets of twins.
Driver: Gosh, lady, do you always get twins?
Woman: Not always - hundreds of times we don't get anything at all.
------------------------------------------------------------
PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching
high-technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDLINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
excercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animl seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do. Operations research consultants can also
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware
salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.
------------------------------------------------------------
One fine afternoon somewhere in Scotland an elderly gentleman tries to
get into the local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked.
After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head
out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself :
- Sorry, but we're closed today !
The elderly gentleman promptly replies:
- But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only
half past eleven !
to which the bookmaker says:
- But those are not the opening hours; they are the odds that we're
open today.
------------------------------------------------------------
Johny comes home and shouted: "Hello darling I'm back. I brought you
a present". She responded: "Oh hello darling, what is it? I like
presents". "It's a vibrator!", he said.
She: "Oh, what do I do with a vibrator, with a prick like your's?"
He: "Now, I have to work on the roads for six weeks in England, so I
thought you might go on with it, eh"
After two weeks he phoned home:
He: "Hello darling."
She: "Oh, hello."
He: "How are you?",
She: "Fine fine."
He: "And how are the kids?"
She: "Great, great."
He: "And how are you doing with the vibrator I gave you?"
She: "Oh, not so good, ... it knocked six of my theeth out!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Dave and his mum went to the zoo.
Dave enjoyed watching the ferocious animals but there was something even
more interesting here, something that the boy had not seen before
... skunks!
"Mummy, mummy", he said, "I must have a skunk, I must, I must!!!"
"Well ok, my boy, but we'll have to steal one as
you can't buy them in the shops."
"But mummy where could we hide it to smuggle it out?", Dave asked curiously.
"Oh that's no problem: I'll hide it down my pants!", his mum said.
"But wot about the smell?", Dave asked.
"Oh that's no problem, if it dies we can always steal another!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
1,,
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:17 EST
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 130
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:17 EST
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 130
Q. What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A. A billiard table.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates!
------------------------------------------------------------
This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the
passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over.
"Why?" asks the girl.
"Because I want to try something different," says the guy.
"That's perverted!" says the girl.
"What did you say?" asks the guy.
"I said that's perverted".
"Shit," says the guy, "that's a big word for a five year-old".
------------------------------------------------------------
Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing
a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive
talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her
entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior
to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw
and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled
on a perch at her home he looked around and said:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"
Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school.
Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"
Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him
the bird squawked:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"
------------------------------------------------------------
It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher
asked some of her students to tell the class a story
of something that had happened to them over the summer
break in which they learned a moral.
The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to
my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in
the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get,
but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs.
The moral I learned was don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day
my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and
on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who
spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying
to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk."
Very good," said the teacher.
The third student stood up and said, "My father told me
one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was
stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels,
12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the
whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and
blew up 20 more with the grenades."
"Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten
>from such a story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac0@nowhere) Fri Nov 9 22:21:59 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 131
1st Londoner: When's the next train fer 'Ammersmiff?
(When's the next train for Hammersmith?)
2nd Londoner: Due now.
1st Londoner: Wouldn't ask yer if I did!
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats red and invisible ?
A: Bloody Nothing!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats red and read?
A: A sentence with a period.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the name of the President of Lebanon? But answer quickly!
------------------------------------------------------------
A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the
couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel,
and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of
us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long
they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the
friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally,
he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband!
He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never
notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't
even wake up."
So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps
right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend
have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty
minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it
again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's
ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until
after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough
that you're fucking my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for
a scoreboard?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac4@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:04 1990
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 132
One night some guy from East-Germany goes to a party on his bycicle.
Arriving at the party adress he parks his bike at the nearest wall
and make's sure the thing is locked so it won't be stolen when he
wants to go home.
He has got a terific time and meets lots of people and fills himself
with a large amount of alcohol.
Eventually, it's very late in the evening, better to say early in the
morninwhen he decides it's time to go home.
So he goes down the stairs as best as possible, opens the door,
look at his bike .... what do you think .........? The wall's gone !
------------------------------------------------------------
adjective: a chemical they put in your food
allocator: dangerous animal resembling a crocodile
ambience: special van that takes people to hospital
anomalous: doesn't have a name
antimony: money paid to a former spouse
aromatic: works by itself without manual control
bowels: the letters a, e, i, o and u
carnivore: people dancing and playing music in the street
catalyst: a man with lots and lots of money
citation: place where a train stops
cola: two dots
combatant: capable of doing his job
commutator: a person who travels daily between home and work
commuter: a machine that does sums
conservation: two people talking
dejection: processing that occurs in the stomach and intestates
deportment: part of an organisation
diffuse: to prevent from exploding
dissertation: pausing uncertainly, or dithering
electorate: you have to plug it in to make it work
element: large animal with a trunk
elicit: you're not supposed to have one
elocution: an electric shock kills you
elusion: something you can see but it's not really there
evacuate: to turn to vapour and vanish
extensive: costs a lot of money
faction: a half, a quarter, a third, etc.
formerly: in the correct manner
germanium: a sort of flower
guerilla: a large ape
hypotenuse: large grey animal that lives in swamps
incest: small animals with six legs
insulant: impolite; rude
interminable: within the organisation only
intestate: part of the body that absorbs food
invincible: you can't see it
lesion: listening to the teacher
mammary: the ability to recollect the past
manual: occurring once a year
minaret: a 19th century dance in three-four time
minuet: sixty seconds
omnivore: large red vehicle that carries people about
paradigm: place of great luxury and happiness
philately: telling someone he is nice
pogrom: what runs on a computer
porpoise: intention
preposterous: large grey African animal with one horn
purple: a tortoise that can swim
sellafield: sticky tape
semantic: of middle Eastern origin
sentience: sequence of words ending with a dot
sentry: period of 100 years
sinecure: unsure of himself
tango: you can't untie it
tempt: a canvas shelter
tenable: an octopus's arm
tropical: everyone is talking about it
uninhibited: nobody lives there
yuppie: a baby dog
------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus is on the ferry across the dead sea when the ferryman
says "It'll be 40 sestertii (Roman coin) for the crossing."
"Bugger that," says Jesus, "I'll walk."
------------------------------------------------------------
Mary and Joseph at the door to the inn:
"Do you have a room for the night?"
Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - it's Christmas!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV.
(house made == housemaid)
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac9@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:06 1990
From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 133
There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says
to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen
year old son about the birds and the bees.
So the father goes to his son's room and says: "Son do you remember that
session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"
"Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.
"Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the
same thing."
------------------------------------------------------------
A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics
they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics
they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his
paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy stake, they began to squirm.
They were so anoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk
they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and
the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said :
You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed
by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying :
You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.
------------------------------------------------------------
A Geneticist after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal
accomplishment one day and goes to Bar to commemorate it that
night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders for a Triple
Martini. Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the Bar
and not finding a table for herself requests the Scientist if she
could share the quiet table.
The two begin to converse after mutual introductions.
Jones: "Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?"
Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished
something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it.
And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?"
Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too."
Smith: "What a Coincidence!!!"
"Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?"
Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not
have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant."
"And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?"
Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male
counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species
after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for
TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it."
Jones: "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two salesmen were traveling in the country when their car breaks down.
The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the
door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and
the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend
the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe
what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spend the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her
bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Around Holiday time we all get to see the family and pass on lore and gossip.
One day a little girl was watching her mother make a great roast beef. She
cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great
roasting pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut off the end of
the roast. The mother said after some thought that it was the way that her
mother had done it. That weekend grandma came over to visit and the little
girl and the mother went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the
roast before cooking. After some thought replied, because that was the way
her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing
home. But the little girl had the chance the next weekend to see her and
asked again the questions. She looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "Why
so it would fit in the pan, of course."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IX
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac9@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:09 1990
From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 134
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came
the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden
a valid fishing license..
" Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as
a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
license !!"
" Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one"...
------------------------------------------------------------
A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while
the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to
temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts,
he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!"
His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly
desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with
manure.
On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the
optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled
with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to
his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these?
The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other
toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the
father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.
There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure
with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to
which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in
here somewhere!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some things to do when you're in a less than happy mood:
Free your spider collection.
Threaten bunnies.
Short-sheet the bed.
Gnash your teeth.
Drive at 25 mph on the freeway.
Snore loudly.
Take the last cookie.
Jam the pay toilet door.
Put gummy stuff inside books.
Feign serious illness.
Unscrew the salt shaker lid.
Spraypaint someone's fluglehorn.
Drop bugs on passersby.
Step on some feet.
Pour honey in someone's hair. When they are visiting an ant farm.
Tickle people with a branch of poison ivy.
Soap windows.
Pour honey in the mailbox.
Rake the leaves into your neighbor's yard.
Put your sneakers in the refrigerator.
Ignore everybody.
Go to the grocery and squish the fruits.
Turn on the sprinkler at a lawn party.
Clog the sink.
Ruin the punchline.
Be obnoxious.
Spread vicious rumors.
Put Superglue(TM) on the keycaps.
Enroll your friends in record clubs.
Don't use deodorant.
Use all the hot water.
Call somebody up at 3am.
Don't wipe your feet.
Talk gibberish during serious conversation.
Shout in the library.
Forget your mother's birthday.
Toss babies.
Burp.
Stare at somebody.
Break something.
Snore in a church.
Spray-paint someone's eyeglasses.
Stomp through the flower bed.
Don't leave a tip.
Put ink in the White-Out bottle.
Eat onions.
Stand in front of the TV.
Sneak up on people.
Put piranhas in the swimming pool.
Stray into other people's snapshots.
Teach someone tape-based batch Fortran.
Reveal the ending.
Leave a cow on your neighbor's porch.
Litter.
Drop your hors d'oeuvre and grind it into the carpet.
Point at people.
Put stones in all the shoes.
Smoke large black cigars.
Scratch someone's favorite record.
Squirt water through your teeth.
Never remember anyone's name.
Clip your toenails in public.
Throw waterbombs.
Hoard overdue library books.
Wake someone up violently.
Eat someone else's lunch.
Demoralize your friends.
Take up two parking places.
Press all the buttons in the elevator.
Leave a ring in the bathtub.
Put salt in his contact-lens solution.
Constantly interrupt.
Use all the toilet paper.
Scrape your fingernails across the blackboard.
Go wild with shaving cream.
Saw the leg off a chair.
Write insincere love letters.
Throw a tomato.
Eat sloppily.
------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking
to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and
have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a
ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the
shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out
and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car
window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5
dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put
his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5
dollars."
------------------------------------------------------------
Given :
a) There exists a single god called God.
b) God created the world in his own image.
c) The world is round.
Therefore, God is round.
Given :
d) There is no edge of the world.
e) The world is round from all points on the surface of the world.
Therefore, the world is spherical.
Therefore, God is actually spherical.
Given :
f) The world is not smooth, but, rather, it is lumpy.
Therefore, the world is closer to the shape of a golfball
than that of a perfect, smooth sphere.
Therefore, God is a golfball.
Given :
g) The world is not uniformly lumpy.
h) The world is covered in parts by bodies of liquid.
i) Inconsistencies in a surface are created by chewing.
j) Sloppy chewing leaves saliva on that which has been chewed.
Therefore, the world is even closer in shape to a golfball
which has been chewed on sloppily.
Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed on sloppily.
Given :
k) A golfball is a sports ball.
l) Dogs chew on sports balls.
m) No other being chews on sports balls.
n) Dogs are sloppy chewers.
Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed upon by a dog.
Given :
o) God is omnipotent.
Therefore, God is not impotent.
Given :
p) God is refered to as "He" in most literature.
q) God is omnisexual.
Therefore, God is male.
Given :
r) God required a mate to reproduce his image.
s) God is heterosexual.
Therefore, God created a female.
Given :
t) In the beginning, there was only God.
Therefore, God created the dog which chewed Him.
Given :
u) God created life.
v) God created only one thing (proposition).
Therefore, God created a female dog to represent life.
Therefore, life is a bitch.
(Written by TURLOUGH@UFOAK (Gary))
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IX
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac8@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:11 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 135
"You hissed all of my mystery lectures. You have tasted the whole
worm. You must leave by the first town drain."
------------------------------------------------------------
Setting: A courtroom. Defense attorney questioning a robbery victim.
Defense Attorney: Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the
corner of Fifth Avenue and Main Street on August 7th, is that
correct?
Smith: Yes, that's correct.
Defense: Did you struggle with the alleged robber?
Smith: No.
Defense: Why in the world not?
Smith: He was armed.
Defense: Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his
demands rather than resist?
Smith: Yes.
Defense: Have you ever given money away before?
Smith: I didn't give it away, it was...
Defense: (interrupting) Please answer the question, Mr. Smith.
Smith's Attorney (the prosecution): Objection, your Honor! My
client's prior financial history is irrelevant to these
proceedings.
Defense: Oh no, it most certainly is not. In fact I am trying
to establish a pattern here which may explain the happenings on
August 7th. If the witness has an extensive history of giving
money away, then his honesty about the so-called "robbery" would
reasonably come under question.
Judge: Objection overruled. Please answer the question Mr.
Smith.
Defense: Now, Mr. Smith, do you ever give money away?
Smith: Yes, of course.
Defense: And you do so willingly?
Smith: Of course. What are you getting at?
Defense: Do you enjoy giving away money?
Smith: Yes, that's why I do it.
Defense: Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith, shall we?
You've given money away in the past. In fact it is quite
possible that the defendant recognized you as someone who has
quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you
did not _want_ to have your money taken by force? And even if you
didn't want it taken _this_ time, how can we expect the defendant
to have known that?
Smith: That's ridiculous! If I had...
Defense: (interrupting) And how much did you give the man?
Smith: I didn't _give_...
Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question please Mr. Smith.
Defense: How much did you give him?
Smith: One hundred dollars.
Defense: One hundred dollars? That doesn't seem like a lot for
someone who has given away so much money before.
Smith: Uh... It was very traumatic. I felt my life was in
danger.
Defense: Yes, well we know that's your story. So you were
carrying one hundred dollars in cash. What time did the
"robbery" take place?
Smith: Around eleven at night.
Defense: You were out on the streets alone at eleven p.m. with
one hundred dollars in cash? Doing what, for heaven's sake?
Smith: Just walking.
Defense: Just walking? Don't you know that it's dangerous to be
out on the street late at night? Weren't you aware that you
could be held up?
Smith: I hadn't really thought about it. I was just walking.
Defense: Are you sure you weren't _looking_ for someone to give
money to?
Smith: NO! I was just out for a walk.
Judge: I will have no more outbursts like that in my courtroom,
Mr. Smith.
Defense: And what were you wearing?
Smith: A suit.
Defense: An expensive suit?
Smith: Well, I am a successful business person.
Defense: Don't you think it is rather foolish to wear an
expensive suit after midnight when you are carrying a hundred
dollars?
Smith: But it wasn't after midnight, it was eleven pm.
Defense: So you do admit then that it _would_ be foolish to be
out after midnight?
Smith: That's not what I said. I was just correcting...
Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question Mr. Smith.
Smith: No, I don't think that it would be foolish.
Defense: So, in other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking the
streets late at night in a bad part of town, wearing a suit that
practically _advertised_ the fact that you might be a good target
for easy money, isn't that so? I mean, Mr. Smith, one might
logically conclude that you were asking for this to happen.
Smith: But I...
Defense: (interrupting) The defense rests, your Honor.
------------------------------------------------------------
Children at the front seat cause accidents,
accidents at the back seat cause children!
------------------------------------------------------------
>From "Dear Abby" newspaper column-
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in Califoria
Dear Sam, Yes: run for public office.
------------------------------------------------------------
According to unknown sources, Visa International
will be issuing Visa debit cards in Czechslovakia and Lithuania.
Regular credit cards will be considered in the future.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac5@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:16 1990
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 136
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was
becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.
And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you
feeling these days?"
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've
missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
------------------------------------------------------------
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.
------------------------------------------------------------
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
------------------------------------------------------------
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
------------------------------------------------------------
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac8@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:18 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 137
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Find them all means living forever.
------------------------------------------------------------
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.
------------------------------------------------------------
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
------------------------------------------------------------
There is a termendious [sic!] weight pressing down on the centre
of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
------------------------------------------------------------
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac0@nowhere) Fri Nov 9 22:22:19 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 138
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is a geek?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A person who comes from Geece.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atlas.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why are Fire Trucks Red?
Fire Trucks are always rushin', Russians are red,
therefore, Fire Trucks are red!
------------------------------------------------------------
+-----------------------------+
| Horsemilk, South Dakota, USA|
| Population: 4238 |
| Elevation: 3015 |
| Founded: 1928 |
| Total: 9181 |
+-----------------------------+
------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are debating who has the best memory:
Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.
Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!
Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped)
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac8@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:05 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 139
Sign for a butcher shop with an attached slaughterhouse:
BUTCHER
KILLS HIMSELF EVERY MORNING
------------------------------------------------------------
Sign for an expert in made-to-order shoes:
WE MAKE SHOES EVEN FROM THE CUSTOMER'S HIDE
------------------------------------------------------------
Sign for a gyneacologist who doubles as a general practitioner:
DOCTOR FOR WOMEN
AND OTHER DISEASES
------------------------------------------------------------
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two male mathematiciens are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little
about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he
will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer
one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees,
and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point,
that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral
of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac0@nowhere) Sat Nov 10 16:10:08 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped))
Subject: Funky stuff - part 140
A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other.
One kingdom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak
king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful
king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people
powerful.
Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted
count get up an army (knights, pages, etc.) to fetch it.
The army trudged along for a day or two and came upon the powerful
king's castle.
The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster
with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!
The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages
who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened,
hid until nightfall.
When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding
place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding
the entrance now was the monster's huge hands draped in front of the
opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to
squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the
castle.
Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the
throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were
able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no
further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)
After having walked half the night with the heavy throne
between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house
to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself,
let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the
farmer's attic.
Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed
the pages.
The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the
throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer
and his wife.
Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:
king: Where is the throne?
count: I cannot tell you.
king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his
head!
count: (as the axe is swinging down...)
Ok! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!
Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
------------------------------------------------------------
A button a girl is wearing at a bar:
A HARD MAN IS GOOD TO FIND
------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why do the Spanish put punctuation before and after a sentence?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} .It seems more natural to me that way. .That way, you can tell what the
} tone of a sentence is going to be before you start reading it. .In
} fact, they don't go far enough. !They ought to put all of the words of
} the sentence in front, so that you can tell what the whole sentence is
} going to say when you read it!
------------------------------------------------------------
An 8-foot fluourescent light in a New York City office burned out, and
the Big Boss said, `Fix it'. Naturally the job fell to the low man on the
T.P., who obtained a new one and replaced the burned-out one without too
much trouble. All he had to do now was throw out the old one.
He took it out into the alley and tossed it in a dumpster. One of the
building's janitors saw him and said, `You can't put that there. There's
poisonous stuff in it and it's against the law.' He tried to sneak it into
somebody else's dumpster but didn't get away with it.
So, pretty soon he was walking down the sidewalk with a burned-out 8-foot
fluourescent tube in one hand wondering how the hell he could get rid of it.
It wouldn't fit in a trash can and after the `poisonous' warning he wasn't
about to break it. Finally he got on a subway to try and find a dump.
Picture a New York subway. How do you carry an 8-foot-long glass tube on
the subway? You stand it on end and hold onto it. Pretty soon somebody else
grabbed on, and presently there were four or five people holding onto the
light. The man thought about it for a minute and....got off at the next stop!
As far as anybody knows that light tube is still on the subway somewhere.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?"
"Yes. It's called a Porsche."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped)
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the
current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the
deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly
regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the
road to progress.
(*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation.
(+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation.
(#) Xerox is ...
From etac5@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:10 1990
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 141
"I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?"
"Cut it off and send it in for examination."
------------------------------------------------------------
>> I also heard another version, in which said Scientologists were
>> arrested after putting a live rattlesnake into someone's mailbox
>> (not mailing it, just dropping it in.)
>
>I should certainly hope so! It is absolutely illegal to put a live
>rattlesnake into someone's mailbox.
>
>Unless, of course, the rattlesnake has sufficient cancelled postage on it.
You know, you might not be too far from the truth. I have a friend
who once stuck a stamp and an address label on a cucumber and mailed that.
The post office delivered it, but they didn't refrigerate it along the
way. So it was a pretty nasty pickle upon arrival, but that's the price
you have to pay to advance science.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of Australian foreplay?
A: "Are you awake Sheila?"
------------------------------------------------------------
This woman lands at Logan Airport in Boston. She gets her luggage and
jumps into a cab. She tells the cabbie, "Take me to a place where I can
get scrod."
The cabbie turns around and says, "That's the first time I've heard that
said in the pluperfect subjunctive."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do Chinese mothers name their babies?
A. They throw some cutlery down the stairs and name them after the noise it
makes.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere)
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
From etac7@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:12 1990
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 142
Q. Why is there so little great [IYFEG] literature?
A. Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950.
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Tommy walks into his primary school classroom one morning
to be confronted by his teacher....
Miss: Ahh, Good Morning Tommy, and where were you yesterday?
Tommy: I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt.
Miss: He wasn't too badly hurt was he?
Tommy: Oh aye Miss, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were walking down the street one wintry day when they heard
a voice calling for help. They looked around and saw a little green leg
sticking out from beneath a snowbank, so one of the old ladies digs down
and pulls out a very cold frog and starts warming it up in her hands. The
frog says, "Oh thank you, thank you. I was freezing to death under that
snowbank before you came along and saved me."
The old ladies are, of course, amazed by the fact that this frog can talk.
The frog continues, "You know, I'm not actually a frog, and if you kiss me
I'll turn back into a handsome prince."
The old lady nods at this but just slips the frog into her pocket. The other
old lady looks puzzled and asks, "Well, aren't you going to kiss him and see
if it works?"
The first old lady replies, "Certainly not! I can make a whole lot more money
with a talking frog."
------------------------------------------------------------
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started
working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted.
I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked.
"I'm sure, I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to
know. "I reckon not" I replied ...
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to
do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Waitress: Would you like some buns with your melon?
Customer: No thank you, your melons will do just fine.
Waitress: Are you sure? These buns are firm and fresh-baked...
Customer: Well, they do look good...
Waitress: They'd taste even better with some nice sweet butter spread all
over them.
Customer: Yes, I can imagine. But to tell you the truth, I think my own buns
are better.
Waitress: Oh, really? Well perhaps you could show me the recipe sometime.
Customer: How about right now? Would you let me come in your kitchen?
Waitress: I'd love to.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
If anything can go wrong, it will.
From etac4@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:31:55 1990
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV - Error 0)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 143
A boxer suffers from insomnia. A friend advises: "Try counting till you
get asleep." Next day: "It didn't work: at 9 I always got up again."
------------------------------------------------------------
The origin of the famous saying "A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose."
It seems that back in the days of the Roman empire, Nero and Cicero had
estates on facing slopes of some hills, and both were avid growers of
roses. Every year Nero's slope was covered in red roses, and Cicero's was
covered in yellow roses.
Of course, being the masters of their houses, Nero and Cicero didn't
actually work in the gardens. They had gardeners charged with seeing that
the roses were always up to the standards of the estate.
One winter, Nero's head gardener was planting the rose bulbs for the
next season. As he walked down the rows planting bulbs, he suddenly
realized that he had been stepping on the last row he had planted. He
didn't have enough bulbs to replace the ruined plants, so in the middle of
the night he sneaked across the valley to Cicero's estate and stole enough
bulbs to complete the planting on Nero's slope.
Well, fortunately for the gardener, he was called out of town around the
time when the rose buds were about to open. He therefore wasn't in the
reach of Nero's wrath when he noticed the one yellow line breaking up his
beautiful red field.
Nero sent a note to his gardener asking about this unusual chromatic
anomoly. It read: "Our roses arose. Is a row Cicero's?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer and his wife are playing and he slices his tee shot over
behind a shed. After examining the situation, he concludes that if
they open both the front and rear doors of the shed, he could play
his second shot through the shed. He lines up and his wife goes to
open the doors. As she is waiting, she wonders what is happening and
peeks around the door. Unfortunately, just at that moment her husband
hits and his ball strikes her squarely in the head, killing her instantly.
The distraught husband avoids golf for a year, but 5 years later he is
remarried and happily playing golf again with his new wife. Oddly
enough, he happens to slice on the same hole and lands in almost the
same spot. His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door
of that shed, I think you could play through." He answers, "No, don't
do that. The last time I tried that I took an 8 on this hole!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf?
He lost his ball.
Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf?
He found it.
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf
course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board
received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men
urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the
matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After
due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that
they had been granted equal privileges!
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV - Error 0
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
Genius, n.:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
From etac7@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:33:54 1990
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - Not owner)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 144
A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice.
His buddy asks him what happened to his voice.
He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into
a pasture. However, he thought he could find his ball and went
to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he
passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the
back end of the cow. He lifted up the cow's tail and called out,
"Hey lady, does this look like yours?" That's when she hit him in
the throat with a 5 iron.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man is staying at a Vegas hotel and goes to play golf on their
course. Before he starts, he buys 3 golf balls for $5. He has a very
pleasant round.
The next day he decides to play a different course and goes to the one
across the street. He also requests 3 golf balls and finds out that
the price is $25! He protests, "Where I played yesterday, they were
on the $5." The pro shop attendant explains, "Well, over there they
get you by the room."
------------------------------------------------------------
There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr
Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says
to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says
"You're not so slim yourself!". So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who
is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and
they'd only got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses
the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr Carrot sees that he's
in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage,
the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr Turtle
into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as
soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and
Emergency, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss
Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies
"Well, i couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr Bean". So he
rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will
Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to
say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr
Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea,
will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can
for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot
waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until they have finished the
operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor
Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip turns to him and
says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the
rest of his life..."
------------------------------------------------------------
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor to patient in hospital:
"Mr Jones, I have some good news, and I have some bad news,
which shall I tell first?"
"Do begin with the bad news, please."
"Allright. Your son has drowned,
your daughter has been raped,
your wife has divorced you,
your house got blown away,
and you have AIDS."
Perplexed, the man murmurs: "Whazze goonewz?"
Doctor says: "The good news is
that there is no more bad news."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII - Not owner
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:35:47 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No such file or directory)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 145
"Do you smoke after having sex?"
"I don't know, I have never looked."
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a IYFIG at University?
The caretaker.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys recently dead was given the option to stay either in heaven
or hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was ok to
look around first and to their surprise it was.
First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys where there, dressed in
white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought
our heroes.
- Let's go to Hell, they said to each other.
Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars,
casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of
people having a real good time.
Back from hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell.
They both chose Hell.
Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a
sub-surface car and driven to coal-mine. Someone gave them a shovel
each and told to start working.
- What's this? The last time we where here they place was entirely
different.
- Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.
------------------------------------------------------------
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them."
------------------------------------------------------------
Dr: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Elaine: What is it?
Dr: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No such file or directory
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
From etac4@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:36:53 1990
From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV - No such process)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 146
Condoms are like the federal government. Both give you a sense of security
even when you know you're getting screwed.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
------------------------------------------------------------
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and
west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago
in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
------------------------------------------------------------
A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:
"What kind of work do you do?" they were asked.
"My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher," the wife replied.
"Any children?" asked a committee member.
"Yes, 7 & 8 years old," the wife replied.
"Animals?" asked another committee member.
"Oh no! They're very well-behaved!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a cannibal walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked
over the menu
Broiled Missionary $25.00
Fried Explorer $35.00
Baked Politician $100.00
The customer called the cook over and asked "why such a price difference
for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac IV - No such process
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere)
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:37:50 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Interrupted system call)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 147
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have
had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less
on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken
>from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun
Paper.
1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
it's intentions.
3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
put my hand through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision.
11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.
14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
of the street when I struck him.
19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
him.
20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve
out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
------------------------------------------------------------
1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
exorcist?
2: No, what?
1: He was repossessed.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: "Do you like Kipling?"
A: "Don't know, I have never kippled."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a man who'se got his dick in the biscuit tin?
A: Fucking crackers.
------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus was walking through the desert one day, when he comes across a
crowd of people, preparing to stone a prostitute to death. He
enquires as to what is happening and why. The people respond that
they are going to stone her because she is a prostitute, and as such a
sinner! So they bury her up to her head in sand and are about to
stone her when Jesus walks over her and speaks to the crowd, finishing
up with "Let the person who is without sin, cast the first stone".
The crowd fidgets for a while and then starts to walk away. Just as
most of them had decided to leave, a huge stone comes flying over and
hits the prostitute in the head, killing her. And Jesus turns around
and says "You know, you really piss me off at times, Mother."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Interrupted system call
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Genius, n.:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
From etac6@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:40:10 1990
From: etac6@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VI - No such device or address)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 149
What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish Electrician.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Irishman nailed to the wall?
Art.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Irishman with no lower legs?
Neil.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Irishman in a Vat of Acid?
Stu.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a baby that's eaten both it's parents?
An orphan.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VI - No such device or address
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac6) OR (etac6@nowhere)
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
From etac8@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:40:28 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Arg list too long)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 150
EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS
RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT...
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two
years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by
the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now
living with can't eat or do "anything" until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This
is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten
pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of
which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had
any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead
an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any
difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day
and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in
the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not
improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
------------------------------------------------------------
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division.
------------------------------------------------------------
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Cold, adj.:
When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
------------------------------------------------------------
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think
even if you don't think.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII - Arg list too long
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:41:53 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Exec format error)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 151
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful young brunette was about to undergo a minor operation.
She had been prepared and wheeled along to the operation chamber's door
where the nurse had left her to check if the operation staff were ready.
Hardly had the nurse left when a young man in a white coat came up
to the trolley, lifted the sheet, examined her closely and walked
away, nodding reflectively. He consulted with another man in a white
coat who then approached the woman, lifted the sheets, examined her
intimately and walked away.
When a third man appeared and drew back the sheet, the young woman
demanded to know when they were going to get on with the operation.
"I've no idea lady," the young man said, "we're just painting the
corridor."
------------------------------------------------------------
Woman A: "Isn't your new baby lovely. Was your husband present at the birth?"
Woman B: "No. He wasn't even present at the conception!"
------------------------------------------------------------
One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business
is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the
regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over
and says,
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a
doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of
the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my
patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients
will have a night out !"
Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on
a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the
tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the
publican,
"Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at
closing time."
The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging
the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting
drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican adds up the
bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds ! The guy with the glasses and
the tweed jacket starts to organise the loonies ready to take them back to
the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling
that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help
these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.
"Its eighty quid," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says,
"That's fine. Have you got change for a dustbin lid ?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene:
A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living room.
A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white
toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the
boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.
Caption:
"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Exec format error
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
From etac5@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:43:43 1990
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - Bad file number)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 152
One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office and
says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies, "What's
the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what
can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah."
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What would you have if you had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball
in the other hand?
A: A bloody big moth!
------------------------------------------------------------
What's green and eats nuts?
V.D.
------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman entered Mastermind: they asked him his name, he said pass.
------------------------------------------------------------
These are from Flumen and Flumen,
J. of School Psychol., 17, 82-84, 1979
The questions are those from the WISCR and WPPSI
(IQ Tests for little people)
q: In what way are an apple and a banana alike?
A: Both give me diarrhea
q: What is the color of rubies?
A: My sister, Ruby, is black like me.
q: What should you do if you see thick black smoke
coming from the window of your neighbour's house?
a: I would probly cough. I'm lergic to smoke.
q: What doyou call this finger?
a: It's your sucker.
q: What does contagious mean?
a: Don't go near the baby. She might throw up.
q: What does the stomach do?
A: It makes food so it can come out of my rear
end smoother.
q: Why do we have to put stamps on letters?
A: I don't know where else toput them.
Q: If I cut an apple in half, how many pieces will
I have?
A: one
Q: Are you sure I will only have one piece?
A; Yes. I will have the other piece.
q: Name 2 things that are round.
A: Boobs
Q: What is the thing to do if you were sent to buy a loaf
of bread and the grocer says he does not have any more?
a: Call him a liar and ask him what he's trying to pull.
q; In what ways are paperback books better than hardcover
books.
a: More dirty pictures.
Q: What is a donkey?
a: I'm not allowed to say that word.
Q: What do we call a baby cow?
A: (long pause) ... a bully?
q: Now I'm gong to say some numbers, but this time
when I stop I want you to say them backwards. For
example, if I say 9-2-7, what would you say?
A: I'd say, you've got to be kidding.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V - Bad file number
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere)
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:46:15 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No children)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 153
Igor Blimey (your baltic correspondent)
The plane was flying over African jungle when the engine failed. Its
three passengers, one from England, one from Germany and one from France
had to jump out of the plane with their parachutes. After a safe landing
the started looking for civilisation, but unfortunately fell into the
hands of the local cannibals. They were brought in front of the tribe
leader. He looked at them and said:
- You again!
------------------------------------------------------------
The [IYFEG] police is searching for masked gunmen who shot five [IYFEG]
citizens. After two days of searching the [IYFEG] police has reached
one conclusion: The gunmen have probably removed their masks!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
>from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements
were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he
responded, "and photographers make photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Says a girl from junior high to her boyfriend:
"Do you want to come to my place tonight? Nobody at home!"
Of course he eagerly agrees, so at eight he rings the doorbell...
Guess again: nobody at home indeed!
------------------------------------------------------------
Three dogs are chit-chatting one evening 'bout things - an (any OTAN country
one), a roumanian, a czech and a russian; the OTAN-one goes "last week, a
thief tried to steal my master's car, but I went barking at him, he ran away
and my master gave me a big, juicy, fleshy bone!"
So the roumanian goes "what does 'car' mean?",
the russian goes "what does 'meat' mean?",
and the czech goes "what does 'bark' mean?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No children
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
From etac5@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:48:41 1990
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - No more processes)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 154
This old Chinese man is lying in his bed, ready do die. The entire family
is gathered around him, all weeping and sniffing. He opens his eyes one last
time and goes:
"I have to tell you a seclet. It is velly impoltant to me..."
So everyone bends down, in order to be able hear his faint wispers.
"lemembel it is velly seclet."
Everyone holds his breath in order not to disturb the old man.
"Light, hele it is"
Nobody is moving, the room is so silent, you could have heard a pin falling
to the floor.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
------------------------------------------------------------
These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle.
So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther
(the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE
POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all
three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them
their wishes.
"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you
to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes."
So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while
the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other
two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the Orien-
tal disappeared.
Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be
shown what they had done.
He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous
main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the
kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made
from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!
"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?"
The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had
disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him
since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental, shout-
ing in a loud voice:
"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman
walking towards them. The first lawyer says, "See that woman, boy would I
love to screw her." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?".
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Cinderella and a member of the England Football
Team?
Cinderella got to the ball.
------------------------------------------------------------
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So
what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk
jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend." the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V - No more processes
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere)
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:19:46 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Not enough memory)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 155
What is the difference between Madonna and Maradona?
Madonna cannot act.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two antropologists were in South America & they heard about this legendary
green gorilla. They asked the local people where it was. The locals told
them where the gorilla was, but made them promise not to touch it. Well,
they searched long & hard for the gorilla & everywhere they went, people would
tell them, "Don't TOUCH the gorilla!" Well, they spotted it in a remote part
of the forest. One of the antrhropologists in his glee forgot about the
warning & ran up & touched the beast. Well, the gorilla got pissed & chased
after them, destroying everything in its path. Mile after mile, the gorilla
chased them. He chased them all the way to NY City, trapping them in a small
room. The two men were afraid the gorilla would kill them, and then the gorilla
tapped one on the shoulder and said: "TAG. YOU'RE IT!"
------------------------------------------------------------
In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father:
Boy: "- What is the Perestroika ?"
Grand-Father: "- You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the
other one is empty."
B: " - Yes."
GF: " - Well... (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full
bucket into the empty one)... This is the Perestroika."
B: " - But, this is the same thing."
GF: " - Yes, but did you hear the noise ?!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his
bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not
unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH.......
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
"Im taking this road train down to Barcelona." replies the ex-trucker.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the
next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath
the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down
into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well",pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f*****g his wife."
------------------------------------------------------------
What are a truckers two most favourite four letter words?
Truk and lory.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII - Not enough memory
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
From etac0@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:20:14 1990
From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Permission denied)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 156
Two cows in a field:
Cow one: Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease?
Cow two: No, not really.
Cow one: Oh ! Why's that then ?
Cow two: I'm a duck.
------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the
street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about
3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response:
"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give
you two dollars. Everybody wins."
------------------------------------------------------------
Continuing the series on scientific socialism... This NUTWORKS article
fully supports the observations we have made about electricity. Here in the
Baltic we have made precise mesurements regarding the speed of
electricity. You need a Telstar 5 valve radio, a stop watch, and a
measuring tape. Using these simple everyday socialist tools you can
estimate the speed of electrons.
Experimental method:
Set stop watch to zero.
Switch radio on, but do not put the plug in the wall.
Simultaniously start stopwatch and put plug in the wall
Stop stopwatch when you hear music coming from the radio
Measure the length of the cable from the plug to the radio
It is now a simple process to calculate the speed of the electons as
they travel along the cable and into the radio. That is, length of cable
divided by the time taken from the insertion of the plug to the hearing
of the music will give you the speed of the electons in M/sec. e.g 2/10
= 0.2 M/sec
Anomolies:
Contradictory results are obtained using transistor radios, where the
speed of electrons is thousands of times faster. Electrons flow faster
into a pre-heated 5 valve radio. Electon speed is not really dependent
on length of cable. In short cables, electons flow slowly... in long
cables, electrons flow fast.
And now for the NUTWORKS contribution to the field of socialistic
electrical science.
ELECTRICITY
===========
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And
where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
question: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?
This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we
must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important
electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuff your
feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract
dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your
finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling,
then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing
the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything with your finger, you would build up so many electrons
that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about
unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mi-
xers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of
these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug
them in. Then along came along the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin
Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same
force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that
he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny
saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running
the post office in America.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Juhani Volt, Vladimir Amp,
Raimo Watt, Seppo Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many
important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered ***this
is the truth I swear on Lennin's beard*** that when he attached two
different kinds of metals to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has
been seriously injured or killed, squashed by a steam roller for
example, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back
into the pond -- where it sinks like a stone.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edisonovitch,
(known to his competitors as Thomas Sonovabitch), who was a brilliant
inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived
in New Jersey, America. Edisonovitch's first major invention in 1877 was
the phonograph, which soon could be found in thousands of American
homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when records for it were developed.
But Edisonovitch's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company. Edisonovitch's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric
company sends electricity through a wire to a customer,
then immediatley gets the electricity back through another wire,
then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the
customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands times of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
It has come to our attention that the last year any new electricity was
generated in America was 1937. So you see how exploited the people are in
that country. This is capitalism at its very worst. Consumerism
is the opium of the people. In the Baltic were are proud to say we only
use our electricity once... this saves us a considerable investment
in not having to run a second copper wire back to the power station.
Today, thanks to men like Edisonovitch, and Franklin and frogs like
Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.
For example, in the past decade, scientists have developed the laser,
an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer
2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform
delicate operations to the human eyeball,provided they remember to
change the power from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
Igor Blimey (your Baltic Corrispondent)
------------------------------------------------------------
"So, little boy, who in your family do you look like?"
"I look like my father!"
"Ah, I see! And you little girl, which one of your parents do you look like?
"I look like my mommy!"
"How about you, Sally, who do you look like?"
"I don't look like my mommy or my daddy, I look like the postman!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating
a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her
turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and
the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a
bite.
"You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns.
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Permission denied
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere)
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
--- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
computer system.
From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:23:20 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Bad address)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 157
"This book fills a well needed gap in the literature."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor and says:
- Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?
- I think that is a wise decision. Let's see, do you smoke?
- Oh.. half a pack a day.
- Starting NOW no more smoking.
The man agrees. The doctor then asks:
- Do you drink?
- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer
or two every once in a while
- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor continues:
- How do you eat?
- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.
- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat
only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.
The man is now really worried.
- Doc, is all this really necessary?
- Do you want to live long?
- Yes.
- Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet,
The man is quite restless, but hte doctor continues:
- Do you have sex?
- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!
he adds hurriedly.
- As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more
sex for you. None.
The man is appalled.
- Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?
- I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem
like an eternity.
------------------------------------------------------------
A man enters a baker's shop and asks for a loaf.
The baker asks: "White or brown, sir?"
And the guy says: "Yes."
The baker then asks, impatiently: "Yes, WHAT?"
To which the guy answers, intimidated: "Yessss, sir!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she
was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken
aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control
pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought
some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to
sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I
sleep better at night."
------------------------------------------------------------
Why was Jesus Irish?
He didn't leave home till he was thirty, he hung around with 12 other
guys, his mother thought he was god, and he thought she was a virgin.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII - Bad address
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Cold, adj.:
When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
pockets.
From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:23:27 1990
From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Block device required)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 158
Why wasn't Jesus Italian?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fit twenty Pakistanis in a tyre?
Tell them it's a flat.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fit twenty Englishmen in a mini?
Promote one and watch the other nineteen climb up his arse.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
------------------------------------------------------------
Classic riddles:
Scene: A man is found dead in a locked room in a puddle of water.
Answer: The poor guy died of starvation; the room was locked, right?
The water? Oh, the roof leaked.
Scene: A man gets out of bed, and kills himself.
Answer: The man was a midget for the circus, and had just gotten fed
up with his bleak and demeaning lifestyle.
Scene: A man goes into a restaurant and orders some albatross. After
some delay, the food arrives. He takes a taste, and then
kills himself. Why?
Answer: Obviously a whacko. I mean, who orders ALBATROSS in a
restaurant?! I say "good riddance to bad garbage!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VIII - Block device required
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere)
Pittsburgh Driver's Test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail
light but a steady left tail light. This means
(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
to call the problem to the driver's attention.
(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
(d) the driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
From etac7@nowhere Wed Nov 21 23:59:02 1990
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - Device busy)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 159
Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps
three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Save a tree: Eat a beaver.
------------------------------------------------------------
What goes in dry, pink and hard, and comes out
wet, pink and soft? Chewing gum.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I used to have a shirt just like that..."
<pause for effusive thanks>
"... then I got a job."
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII - Device busy
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
From etac7@nowhere Wed Nov 21 23:59:54 1990
From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - File exists)
Subject: Funky stuff - part 160
A Swiss-cheese sandwich goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry: we don't serve food here."
------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a birthday card:
Outside:
Forget about the past,
You can't change it.
Forget about the future,
You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present,
I didn't buy you one.
------------------------------------------------------------
There's an apple on a lawn and a worm sitting right beside it. The
worm is rather interested in the apple is about to start eating. There's
a bird that sees the worm and apple in a tree nearby. He is already
dreaming about the juicy worm when he decides to wait for the worm to
eat the apple so that he will have a larger worm. Then there's a cat
behind some bushes who watches the whole scene and thinks: If the worm
eats the apple, the bird will eat the worm and I can have the bird.
Ok, the worm eats the apple, nice apple, the bird eats the worm, nice
and juicy indeed, and the cat jumps to catch the bird but misses and
falls into a pond.
What's the moral of this story?
The longer the preparations, the wetter the pussy.....
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't drink and drive. You may hit a bump and spill it!
------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why won't Florence Griffiths' husband have sex with her?
A: Because, every time she comes first, she wants a gold medal.
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac VII - File exists
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere)
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
From etac5@nowhere Wed Dec 5 21:18:21 1990
From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - Cross-device link)
Subject: Funky stuff - pause
Alas, as the computing power spent on the Etac Project is needed for
Gulf war nuclear simulations, for a while we must leave this group to
the lusers. Let us hope it is still there after, say, January 15.
Included is an extra big chunk of jokes to cheer up your Christmas
dinner guests. Oh by the way, do you know why the Gulf war has been
postponed till next year? Otherwise all those prerecorded Christmas
shows would have become worthless!
------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a
mathematician who found an equation for
GOD. It was, of course, a very
complicated equation but, she figured,
all she had to do was find a computer
system which (1) had a large enough
memory to store all the necessary
variables and (2) was fast enough to
gather all the information together.
Once this was accomplished, all the
mysteries of the Universe could be
solved...
...So the government took every available
micro-processor, linker, loader,
assembler and anything else they had
available, put them all together, and
then asked the computer:
"IS THERE A GOD?"
Unfortunately, however, the
computer's response was that it would
take, at the very least, a century or
two to solve the problem...
...This wasn't good enough for the
beaurocrats in Washington, who for the
first time in their life deired something
other than that status quo, so they
decided to follow that up by taking every
single computer in the *entire nation*
and linking them all together into one
giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-
powerful-computer and asked, once again,
"I S T H E R E A G O D?"
Well, this time the computer
said that it would take only ten years
to solve the equation. Not as bad, but
still not quick enough to satisfy all
the eager philosophers and scientists.
"Something more must be done!" they
would shout...
...By this time the whole world was
beginning to pay some attention and
everone wanted to get involved. One
everyone argued about which country could
claim credit and settled all the basic
disputes, they drafted a joint resolution
to build the computer and discover the
amount of truth in the assertation that
there is a God.
So -- they took every computer
system in the world and linked them all
together into one single amazing
supercomputer, the likes of which had
NEVER, EVER, been seen before, and once
again asked:
"I
S
T
H
E
R
E
A
G
O
D?"
And the computer's response was...
"T H E R E
I S
N O W."
------------------------------------------------------------
The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the
nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street
he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre,
twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to
the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats
a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
------------------------------------------------------------
One night, while she and her husband were making love, an Australian woman
suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the football.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A young priest was having difficulty keeping his audience
awake. He asked an elder colleague for some help.
"Well," said the other priest "I like to shock'em awake.
Once I told them 'Last night I held another ma's wife in my arms.'
When the furor died down I added, "It was my own dear mother."
Much impressed the younger, more boring, priest resolved to
give it a try.
During his sermon -- at about the three hour point -- he heard
snoring.
"Last night" he cried "I held another man's wife in my arms."
There was a gasp, and a hush of disapproval fell on the cong-
regation. The priest was flustered.
"She was" he stammered "she was ... Oh dear I forget who she was."
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A guy walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter
for Polish Ham.
The storekeeper asks him, "Are you Polish?"
The man is insulted. "If I came in here and asked for French
bread, would you have asked me if I was French? If I had asked
for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German?
If I had asked for Swiss Cheese, would you have asked me if I was
Swiss? If I had asked for Spanish peanuts, would you have asked
me if I was Spanish? ... So why did you ask me if I was Polish?!"
The clerk replied,
"Well, sir, this is a hardware store."
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Why don't Italians barbecue?
Because the Spaghetti falls through the grill....
------------------------------------------------------------
OK, like, so there were these three priests. Insert your denomination
here. There's a young priest, a middle-aged priest, and an elderly priest.
They're taking a business trip to Pittsburgh, and they need small change
for the tolls and tips and such. So at the airport, when they approach
the ticket agent to buy the airline tickets, the young priest saunters
up to the young woman who is behind the booth.
He notices that she has a very sheer blouse on when he gets close...and,
well, frankly, her nipples are rather visible. This woman has quite a
bodacious set of tatas; that is to say; she has massive gazongas. Our
young clergyman hero speaks thusly, "I'd like three pickets to Tittsburgh,
please!"
Well, needless to say, he is a mite flustered. The middle-aged priest comforts
him. "It happens to the best of us, m'lad. Let me take care of this."
He swaggers up to the sheer blouse-clad wench. "I'd like three tickets
to Pittsburgh, please," he enunciates confidently. "And I'd like the
change in nipples and dimes." Well, that blows his bravado.
Red-faced, he retreats back to his brethren. "My son, let me handle this,"
reassures the kind, grandfatherly church elder.
He approaches the ticket agent. "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh,"
he avers cleanly. "And I'd like the change in nickles and dimes."
"Certainly," replies the young lady.
"Thank you my dear," he adds, glancing cockily at his fellow clergymen.
"My prayer for you will be that when you die, St. Hand has his peter
out to greet you."
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of
oranges.
"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.
"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been
treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.
"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."
------------------------------------------------------------
Guy is in a bar and he sees a couple of women.
One is absolutely stunning and the other one is just a dog.
As he is eyeing the foxy chick and getting nowhere her friend walks up to him.
"How would like to meet my friend" the ugly chick asks
"I would love to" he says
"How would you like to take her home" says the girl
"I'd kill for it"
"Would you like to feel her tits"
"God YES" he says as he gets more excited
"Would you like to stroke her ass"
"Love to"
"Would like to see her pussy"
"Fuck that would great"
"Would you like to feel her pussy"
"Please" he says
"Would you like to smell her pussy" she ask smiling
"Oh god yes" he says as he in on the verge of orgasm
"Ok" she says and leans over and breaths in his face.
------------------------------------------------------------
A kid comes home from school and walks up to his mother . . .
"Mom! I found out that I have the largest pecker in the third grade!"
"That's great son." says his mother.
"Is it because I am black?" says the kid?
"No, it is probably because you are 18 years old." says his mother.
------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While
looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him,
"How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of
my worst rounds ever." The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell.
The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies,
"In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him
with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.
Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if
the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The
leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately?" The golfer responds
with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun than asks,
"How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting
some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy,
I would have thought you would be doing much better than that." The golfer
replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week
isn't so bad."
------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. While the barman's
pouring it, he looks about the place, and sees a piano man sitting there in
front of the old ivories, giving it a bit of a play, and his pet monkey, which
is wandering about with a tin mug collecting money. Now just as the barman
finishes pouring the guy's pint, and the guy pays him, the monkey drops its
tin cup, charges along across the floor, up onto the bar, unzips its flies,
and dunks its dick into the guy's pint. At which, the guy turns to the piano
man and says;
"Do you know your monkey's dipped its dick in my beer?"
To which the piano man replies;
"No, but if you hum it, I'll improvise!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Yrneh Etac V - Cross-device link
---------------
(novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere)
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