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BEST1001.ASC
October 29, 1990
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this file courtesy of Larry Blue
WARNING, THIS FILE IS FOR ADULTS 18 OR OLDER!!
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What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?
Kick them to San Jose. Then pick them up..........
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This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender
serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke
the other day. Do you want to hear it?"
The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you
that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar?
They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're
Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five
times..."
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This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along
came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?"
The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking
a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do
you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The
rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the
rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass..........
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What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.......
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What is the definition of the perfect husband?
A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his
ears.....
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What is white and this long, (hands held about nine inches
apart).
NOTHING.......
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Best Seller List:
-----------------
Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz
Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels
Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator
Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp
Page 1
Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makit & Betty Dont
Chinese Population Explosion by Wee-fuken Yung
Satisfied! by Massaj Mahrod
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What do you get if you mix an Aggie and a Mexican?
A guy that spray paints his name on a chain link fence.......
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This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every
time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife
came home and announced that she was going to the National
Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand
dollars with you every time you go to a convention."
He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you
have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?"
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Why did Santa Ana only have 2,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had two station wagons....
They had a pickup truck, but it wouldn't start..........
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Why can't they find a cure for A.I.D.S.?
They can't get two rats to butt fuck.......
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What does "N" stand for at the University of Nebraska?
Nowledge
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These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray
dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do
that."
The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks
friendly..."
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What do Billy Graham and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
They both can fill up Texas Stadium, and in fifteen minutes,
they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!
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What do Arkansas women put behind their ears to attract guys?
Their ankles.
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Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying
to kill him?
He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet.....
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How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.......
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Page 2
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his
ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred
yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden,
it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the
woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the
water trap and let it go.
Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball
landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle
got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the
ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball
in the cup.
St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are
you gonna fuck around!!"
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This guy gets his penis shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he
is reading the T.V. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he
can fix this.
When he gets to the doctor, he asks, "What do you use." The
doctor says, "Baby elephant trunks." So the guy decides to have
the surgery.
About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to
ask a lady out to dinner. As they are eating dinner, this thing
comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back
underneath the table.
The girl sees this and thinks to herself, "If that happens again,
I'm going to have to say something."
A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and
grabs another biscuit.
The lady says, "Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it
happens again, I'm going to get mad!"
The guy says, "Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs
another biscuit up my ass, I'm REALLY going to get mad!
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Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty
years?
One of them dropped a quarter............
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Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up
and asked him what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in
the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy
Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Page 3
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."
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This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was
pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped
by an Israeli patrol. The soldiers asked for some identification.
The soldiers looked at the I.D.s and saw that the man was Joseph,
and the lady was Mary. So they asked the couple where they were
going. They replied "Jerusalem."
The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, "Yea, and I
guess your going to name the baby Jesus?" The couple replied, "
What!? We look Puerto Rican?!?!?!"
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This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When
the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her
thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your
thumb in my mashed potatoes."
The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I
should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb
bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I
do when I'm in the kitchen......"
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This zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female
gorilla was really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take
care of her.
One day they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who
would "take care of" this female gorilla. They started at $200.00
but got no response. Finally, at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad.
The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he
would do it, but only if they would put a bag over the gorilla's
head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over the gorillas
head and this guy got into the cage.
Well this gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed this guy and
started fucking him every way you could imagine.
They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making
love wildly. All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top
of his voice, "Get it off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped
in the cage and pulled the gorilla off.
The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to get
it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the
bitch!"
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This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go
is a beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty
beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as
pretty on South Padre Island."
The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea
this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings
than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal."
Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something
in Texas just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this.
Page 4
Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As
they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan
and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in
Texas?"
The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, "Well no.
But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that
will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....."
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These two ladies were walking down the street when they came
across this frog. The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a
handsome Texas oil man."
One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse.
The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that
frog?" She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more
money than a Texas oil man......"
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What is a Jewish American Princess's favorite wine?
I wanna go to Miami.....
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?
They're all over here.......
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How many Ethiopians can you get in a phone booth?
All of them.........
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What do you call two queers named Bob?
Oral Roberts.....
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Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming
down the mountain and the first person he came across was not
Moses. It was a Roman.
He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The Roman
replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill."
The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how
we make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a
commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said,
"Thou shalt not steal."
The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God
went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses
with a bunch of little Jews following him.
God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How
much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea
sure, we'll take ten....."
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Why did God invent women?
Sheep can't cook......
Page 5
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This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic
lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure
enough, a genie popped out.
The genie said, "Thank you for getting me/out of that lamp. In
return, I will grant you one wish." So the guy thought about it
and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan
city." Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo...
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One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi
were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each
Sabbath.
The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of
the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands
on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."
The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a
circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is
mine and the rest belongs to God."
The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the
money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you
want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......"
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This guy goes walking into a bar with an alligator. He sets the
the alligator up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you serve
cajuns in this bar?"
The bartender replies, "Yes sir. We have to by federal law."
The guy goes, "Good! Bring me a scotch and water and a cajun
for my alligator...."
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin......
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Why won't a rattlesnake bite a salesman?
Professional courtesy.......
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Do you know how to get rid of a bunch of Libyans?
Tell a bunch of Cajuns they're good eating, and out of season..
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This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He
called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them
were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look
at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he
noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose
and asked how much he charged?
Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought,
Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire."
The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire
when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten
Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into
the fire.
Page 6
All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping
their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!"
After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer
couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled,
"Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?"
Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the
brakes on this truck..."
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Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
have to either lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
headache........"
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This guy was saying, "Now that I have taken the Dallas Cowboys
bumper sticker off my car, it's passing and running better..."
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How did Donna Rice vote in the '88 election?
Undecided. She couldn't decide whether to give her heart to Bush,
or give her bush to Hart.......
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What did Gary Hart say to Donna Rice the day after the election?
"I said LICK THE ERECTION, not WRECK THE ELECTION !!"
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Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
So they won't whistle on the way down.
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What do you call a dog with no legs??? Cigarette.
He won't come when you call, but you can always take him out for a
drag.
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Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised
to see an amputee.
"Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could
you possibly do?"
He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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How does an Aggie tie his shoe?
(put left foot on chair, tie right shoe)
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Page 7
URINALYSIS
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EXITABLE - Rips apart shorts if he can't find it right away.
TOUGH - Bangs dick on side of urinal.
CLEVER - Look, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around. Pisses on
floor.
EFFICIENT - Reads messages while pissing. Pisses on floor.
DIFFERENT - Doesn'care if urinals are in use or not. Pisses in
sink
BUREAUCRAT - Can't piss with out being told when, where, & for
how long.
ABSENT MINDED - Opens vest, Pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
FRIVILOUS - Plays with stream. shoots at flys/gnats.
AGGIE - Leaves with that big mint that someone left in the
urinal.
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What's the difference in a Texas Oilman & a Pigeon?
The Pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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What's the difference between Pigmy Geniuses & Women Joggers?
The Pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts....
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What's the difference between straight rodeo riders & gay Rodeo
riders?
The fans of the straight rider yell "ride that sucker!"...
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What's the difference between an angry rooster & a lawyer?
The rooster clucks with defiance...
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5000 years ago, Moses said:
Pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I'll lead you to the promised land.
5000 years later, Roosevelt said:
Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, and light up a camel,
for this is the promised land.
Today, Reagan will tax your shovel,
sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you there is no promised land.
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