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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
INTEL UNVEILS BELOW BOARD WITH EXPENDED MEMORY
1 April 1986, Hillsboro, OR: Intel Corporation's Personal
Computer Enhancement Operation (PCEO) today announced Below
Board, a memory add-on device for the underachiever. Below Board
is designed for the IBM PC, XT, AT and their compatibles or
incompatibles. Below Board conforms to the -1.4 revision of a
memory specification, the most negative revision to date. It is
believed that Below Board will spawn a whole new generation of
incompatible software as well as hardware.
Below Board operates by moving Conventional RAM down to the
memory space below 0K, where DOS can't conflict with it. The
new memory space is called expended memory. This is a superior
alternative to competitive products which allow normal software
to fill-up the memory. Below Board always maintains at least
640K of free memory. A side benefit to this method of memory
management is that nearly 100% of the 8086 to 80286 processing
capacity is kept available.
Below Board establishes a new class of PC products known as
Vacantware. Such products use an undocumented instruction in the
8086 processor family called VANISH. The VANISH instruction
places the CPU in Vapor mode, in which the expended memory can be
erased or ignored. Expended memory is relatively efficient,
since even CPU's that have been greatly speeded up, still only
require one wait state. No other states are allowed.
Shipments of Below Board are expected to begin within 2 to 15
months. Prices and billings will be announced shortly after
delivery. all orders must be placed prior to last year.
- *****************************************************************************
CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY
ENTRANCE EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Time Limit: four hours.
HISTORY -
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political,
economic religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Black Africa.
Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE -
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a
bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your
work has been graded. You have fifteen minutes.
BIOLOGY -
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the Chinese communist system.
Prove your thesis.
MUSIC -
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it.
You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY -
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment and represeed frustrations of each of the
following: Alexander of Aphrodoxis, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicia, and
Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotes from each man's work,
making appropriate refernces. It is not necessary to translate.
PUBLIC SPEAKING -
Three hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them.
You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
SOCIOLOGY -
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Conduct an experiment to test your theory.
ENGINEERING -
The disassembled parts of a high powered rifle have been placed
on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
Sanskrit. In ten minutes a hungry Begal tiger will be released into
the room.
Take appropriate action.
PHILOSOPHY -
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of other kinds of thought.
POLITICAL SCIENCE -
There is a red telephone on the desk before you.
Start World War III.
ECONOMICS -
Establish cowrie shells as the world monetary standard. Head a
cartel on shell production and corner the market.
PHYSICS -
Trace the development of mathematics and its effect on the physical
sciences from the time of Neanderthal Man to the 21st Century.
Construct a nuclear weapon.
Detonate it.
Put it out.
- *****************************************************************************
Federal Aviation Administration,
Washington, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events
that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very
nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't
need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my
full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though,
after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was
shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed.
But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and
visibility and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another
exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud
of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since
I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of
an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charbroiled
steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about
the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis
that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as
I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were
only a few snowflakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it
was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local
operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was down
for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a
friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane,
which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I
think that he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have
a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh
yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I
don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to
get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane.
That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs,
handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have
simplified this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a
flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was
flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435,
a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of
credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has
problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern
just the way the book says it should be done. The tower operator told
me to contact Departure Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly
since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of
emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began
yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off
the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better
trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus
type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and,
since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to
have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast.
After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to
watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor
undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all
around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots
have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to
be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't
much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a
pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt
pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I
don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing
straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor
to look but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy
look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all
non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it
kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at
that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I
came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except
mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real
marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just
can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why,
there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of
lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was
and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was
asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to
wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine
quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I
knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the
other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two
engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right
there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You
might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It
was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in
such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was
pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning
flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read
road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the
road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying
being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew
right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for
cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base
so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of
colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were
welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these
military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it
but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought
to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain as a
taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land
because they kept talking about some goddamn-stupid-son-of-a-bitch up
in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out
of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people
came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had
never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some general with a pretty
nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him
in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be
swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he
must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the
weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there.
He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor
fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new
license airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
- *****************************************************************************
NEW VERSION OF FOREM BBS SOFTWARE
----------------------------------
A new release of FoReM ST arrived yesterday. Among the features is
yet another new file transfer protocol, 'ZZZMODEM.' This new protocol
transfes data in blocks of 16 Megabytes, giving it the largest block size
of any file transfer protocol in the Known Universe. The checksum for each
block in a ZZZMODEM transfer is sent via XMODEM, for greater accuracy.
"This new protocol will allow us to transfer data at rates up to one one-
hundredth of one percent FASTER than by any previous method," explained
Phil "Compu" Dweeb, a FoReM aficionado, pausing occasionally to wipe
the drool from his chin.
Industry insiders were quick to point out that using ZZZMODEM, it
takes roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes to transfer a 20K file at 19,200 baud.
Mr. Dweeb said that this problem has been dealt with. "Each block is padded
with nulls, which take no time to send," he explained.
The new version of FoReM ST also has the new "Recursive ARCing"
feature. As Mr. Dweeb explains: "All download files are recursively ARCed
by FoReM before being put online. Our experience has shown that when you
ARC a file, it gets smaller. Therefore, the approach we have taken is to
repeatedly ARC the file until it reaches a size of roughly 10K. At that
point, it's hardly worth the trouble, wouldn't you say?"
Reportedly in the works for a future release is the patented "One
Length Encoding" process. Early reports suggest that this procedure can
reduce the length of a file to just 1 bit. Mr. Dweeb takes up the story:
"One day we were sitting around doing some hacken and phreaken, and one of
us started thinking. All binary data is encoded into bits, which are
represented by ones and zeros. This is because a wire can either carry a
current or not, and wires can therefore be set up in a a series that can
represent strings of ones and zeros. "Notice, however, that the real
information is carried in the ones, since the others carry no current. I
mean, what good does a wire do when it isn't carrying any current? So by
dropping all the zeros, you can easily cut file sizes in half. So we
decided that a cool way to speed up data transfer would be to only send the
one bits. The results were phenomenal -- an average speed increase of 50%!!
"After we finished the initial implementation, we kept finding ways to
make the thing faster, and more efficient. But then we realised that we
hadn't gone all the way. If you think about it, after you drop all the
zeros, you're left with a string of ones. Simply count all the ones, and
you're left with another binary string. Say you end up with 7541 ones. In
binary, that's 1110101110101. So immediately we've reduced the number of
bits from 7541 to 13. But by simply repeating the process, we can reduce it
further. 1110101110101 becomes 111111111, or 9, which is 1001, which be-
comes 2, which is 10, or 1.
Once we reach a string length of 1, we have
reached maximum file com-pression. We now have the capability to encode
virtually unlimited amounts of information into a single digit! Long-
distance bills will never be the same! "Now, that's not to say that there
aren't a few problems. The biggest one we have encountered is that for some
reason, there seems to be a certain amount of data loss during the re-
conversion process. It seems that sometimes the file cannot be expanded
into its original form. So, the solution we came up with was to have an
encryption key associated with each file. When a One Length Encoded file is
received and is undergoing decompression, the unique encryption key must be
supplied. That way, we end up with a 100% success rate in our conversions!
"A problem which we are having difficulty resolving lies in the fact
that to ensure a 100% success rate, the encryption key must be exactly as
long as the original file. We are confident, however, that the use of our
Recursive ARCing procedure will help to solve this problem..."
- *****************************************************************************
STAR TREK: IN SEARCH OF POWER
"Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for
320k. We're taking her out."
"Aye, sir."
"Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard
drives."
"Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is. The power supply just isn't
built to take two hard drrrives."
"Power, Scotty! I want more power! Chekov, install the disk cache.
Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It seems as if the turbo accelerator board
is overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time,
is slowing down the system performance."
"Scotty, where is that power!?"
"Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got. It's that miserable 80986
with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has
these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much. You'll
have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and
allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster."
"Chekov, install the EMS board."
"Yes, sir."
"Uhura, any word from mainframe command?"
"Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial
port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting
there."
"Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?"
"Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard
disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities.
Possibly an application. We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28
gigahertz. I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too
many bugs in the system! We'll have to do a proper shakedown."
"Spock?"
"Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be
decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times. It may be
more than we can handle."
"Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive.
Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal."
"Mouse drive? ......Aye, Captain."
"Now! Yes, Bones? What do you want?"
"Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and
some word processing. Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?"
"Sulu?"
"Captain, she's shifting into multitasking. Task one. Task two....
Captain, I'm losing control at the helm. It looks like we've
encountered a bad sector."
"Put it on visual, Sulu."
"Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir. Shifting resolution into
EGA mode."
"Spock? What's the problem?"
"Unknown, Captain. Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null
device." Trying 'grep'", now muttering, "whatever that is."
"Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?"
"Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds
and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
"Scotty, we're not using the math chip."
"Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty
minutes."
"Uhura, notify mainframe command."
"Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping
into Shakespearean stutter mode again."
"Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds
and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
"Enough Scotty!"
"Captain! I'm getting a message from mainframe command......
Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes
of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language
port now."
"Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields. This could be a trick to
get us back to card punching."
"I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work
yet."
"Chekov, we need hardcopy! Fire HP LaserJet!"
"Aye, sir."
"Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?"
"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!"
"Scotty! Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?"
"Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system
with Unix. It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged
down. Yer drainin me quartz crystals."
"Chekov, report."
"Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side of
the screen before the windows have a chance to move..."
"Spock? What's happening to our multitasking?"
"It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of
the many."
"Captain, she's not even runnin on reserve now. We'll have to do a
cold boot for surrre."
"Bones?"
"It's dead, Jim."
- *****************************************************************************
REASONS TO HATE COMPUTERS
They cost too much.
They break down all the time.
They're too hard to fix.
All the different brands are incompatible.
They take up too much desk space.
They become obsolete five minutes after you leave the store.
They don't understand plain English.
You can't fix them by whacking them a few times with a hammer.
Electronic bulletin boards never have enough thumbtacks.
You have to know how to type to use them.
They lose your data every time there's an electrical storm in the
Western Hemisphere.
They give off weird, otherworldly radiation that probably causes
cancer but we won't find out until we all have it. And they make you go
blind too.
They all have three-pronged plugs, and it's a two-pronged world.
There are too many kinds to choose from.
All of them are lousy anyway.
Our grandparents never had them, and they got along just fine.
They're taking away people's jobs.
They don't do anything the average person needs.
They're ugly.
Printer ribbons have to be replaced too frequently.
They think the world can be reduced to strings of ones and zeros.
They forget everything they know the instant you turn them off.
Storing words on disks never made any sense and it never will.
Five cables sticking out of an appliance is cruel and unusual punishment.
Computer paper is cheap and flimsy.
Printers sound like World War III.
Since diskettes are not female disks, they have no right to their own word.
Computer furniture is uncomfortable and looks lousy around the house.
Computer salesmen are sleazeballs.
Instruction manuals are written by illiterate sadists.
When they sell you a $500 computer, they forget to mention that you have to
spend another $1,500 in order to do anything with it.
Most computers have dumb names.
How can you respect any machine controlled by a mouse?
Right now some kid is trying to figure out how he can use one to start a
nuclear war.
It hurts your back to sit in front of one for a long time.
They don't make good conversation at parties.
They are an escape from the reality of life.
When you make a mistake using one, you can't blame it on anybody.
Women don't seem to like them.
They are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
It's too easy to get a shock by licking the stamps on electronic mail.
If there weren't any computers, we wouldn't have computer errors, computer
crime, or computer nerds.
If computers can tap into information networks thousands of miles away, how
come they can't load the program I just bought down the street?
They're no good for balancing a checking account, because after you buy one
there's nothing left in your checking account anyway.
Computer games are turning our children into brainless walking zombies.
And worst of all, the guy down the street has a better one than I do.
- *****************************************************************************
USComputer Lexicon
By Cornelius Unicorn
Beginner: A person who believes more than one-sixteenth of a computer
salesperson's spiel.
Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
packing materials.
Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast
controls on any computer's monitor.
Sales Associate: A former cheese-monger who has recently traded
mascarpone for MS-DOS
Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least
one tenth of the D-BASE 3 Plus Manual.
Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term
"AUTOEXEC.BAT".
Warranty: Disclaimer.
Service: Cursory examination, followed by the utterance of the phrase
"It can't be ours" and either of the words "hardware" or "software."
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have
returned a registration card.
Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "beta test version."
Enhanced: Less awful in some ways than the previous model, and
less likely to work as expected.
Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
doorstop or paperweight. (Lexicoginal note: replaces the term
"junior.")
Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Fast (6MHz): Nowhere near fast enough.
Superfast (8MHz): Not fast enough.
Blindingly Fast (10MHz): Almost fast enough.
Astoundingly Fast (12MHz): Fast enough to work only intermittently.
Memory-Resident: Ready at the press of a key to disable any currently
running program.
Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the
multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the
creation of computer manuals.
Desktop Publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users
to create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and
the intellectual content of a Formica slab; often used in conjunction
with encryption.
High Resolution: Having nothing to do with graphics on an IBM-
compatible microcomputers.
FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television
reception until you add the cable required to make it work.
American: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and Telegraph."
American-Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
Windows: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely seen
near computers but commonly found in specially marked packages of
display cards, turbo cards, and Grape-Nuts Cereal.
TopView: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally slow
character-based multitasking program is the product of the future.
Shareware: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user
interfaces, skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and
particularly its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk
copying; e.g., PC-DOS.
DOS-SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn new
methods of doing what they already can.
UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly arcane,
and confusing operating systems on rational human beings.
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy
induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded or enhanced
memory specifications.
Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privilege
of paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of having
Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth.
Artificial Intelligence: The amazing, human-like ability of a computer
program to understand that the letter y means "yes" and the letter n
means "no."
Electronic Mail: A communications system with built-in delays and
errors designed to emulate those of the United States Postal Service.
C-py Pr-t-ct--n: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing
from common parlance.
Turbo Card: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed
almost enough to compensate for the time wasted in getting it to work.
Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional
malfunctioning parts.
Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe
that does not offer game programs.
RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else
on the planet may actually have decent software written for it
someday.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT
hard disks into performing properly.
Plotter: A terroristic hypodermic device used to inject graphic
representations of boring data into boring meetings.
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning
to wish it had built.
CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficient to hold billions of
predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information industry.
IBM Product Centers: Historical landmarks forever memorializing the
concept of "list price only."
IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably
followed by the word "compatible."
IBM Compatible: Not IBM compatible.
Fully IBM Compatible: Somewhat IBM compatible, but won't run IBM
BASIC programs.
100% IBM Compatible: Compatible with most available hardware and
software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day
after tomorrow.
Lap-Top: Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
system.
Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities
of data with simple mnemonic commands.
Mouse: A peripheral originally christened "vermiform appendix" because
of its functional resemblance, renamed for its appropriateness as a
cat toy.
Printer: An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
Modem: A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two
computers to communicate with each other.
Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a
time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
information.
Documentation: A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in
situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable,
usually employed solely as a decorative bookend.
User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual.
Very User-Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user
needn't bother with the full-color manual.
Extremely User-Friendly: Supplied with a mouse so that the user
needn't bother with the disk and audiotape, the full color manual, or
the program itself.
Easy to Learn: Hard to use.
Easy to Use: Hard to learn.
Easy to Learn and Use: Won't do what you want it to.
Powerful: Hard to learn and use.
Menu-Driven: Easy to learn.
Copy Protection: (1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates
from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it; (2) a
means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing
larceny by the former but not by the latter.
Warranty: An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased
is actually included on the disk in the box.
Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally, upgrade free to avoid
litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0.
Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release
(except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go
away), no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a
wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
assumptions.
Word Processor: Software that magically transforms its user into
a professional author.
Thought Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline
procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from
high school.
Business Graphics: Popular with managers who understand neither
decimals, fractions, percentages, Roman numerals, but have more than a
passing acquaintance with pies and bars.
Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data in
every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she
conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw information.
Project Manager: Software for generating fantasy scenarios of amazing
optimism; proven in computer firms, where it is extremely successful
at scheduling advertising campaigns for unavailable products.
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen
he uses constantly.
Windows: A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
unusably tiny portions.
- *****************************************************************************
Things to do When Bored
-Wax the ceiling -Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth -Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree
-Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel
-Scare Stephen King -Give your cat a mohawk
-Purr -Mow your carpet
-Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn
-Whine -Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Three's Company"
-Listen to a painting -Play with matches
-Buff your cat -Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind
-Learn Greek -Change it back
-Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head
-Build a pyramid -Stand on someone else's head
-Spit shine your Nikes -See how long you can stay awake
-Paint your teeth -See how long you can sleep
-Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight -Watch a car rust
-Quiver -Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend -Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number -Take the fifth
-Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit
-Exist...existentially, of course -Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Kick a cabbage -Take a picture
-Sandpaper a mushroom -Put it back
-Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Revert -Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn -Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres -Speak in acronyms
-Have your pillow X-rayed -Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown -Give your goldfish a perm
-Fly a brick -Play tag...on 35W
-Exorcise a ghost -Be blue
-Exercise a ghost -Be red
-Paint stripes on a lake -But don't be orange
-Ski Kansas -Sleep in freefall
-Kill a Joule -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license -Do a good job
-Crawl -Invite the Mansons over for dinner
-Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops
-Flash your goldfish -Paint
-Flirt with an evergreen -Smile
-Rotate your garden...daily -Paint a smile
-Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind
-Apologize to it -Plant a shoe
-Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
-Turn -Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato -Start
-Mail it -Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily -Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on -Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's -Contemplate a cockroach
-Get a dog to chase your car -Investigate the Czar
-Let him catch it -Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk -Have a political party
-Get diagonal...with a good friend -Ride a loaf of bread
-Sharpen a carrot -Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself -Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself -Be a side effect
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley -Duck
-Redecorate...your garage -Develop a complex
-Join the Army...be someone simple -Try harder
-Hit the deck -Put legwarmers on your furniture
-Cut the deck -Scheme
-Sit -Water your family room
-Stay -Cause a power failure
-Roll over -Wriggle
-Play dead -Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch -Ask why
-Burn her -Regress
-Sleepwalk without sleeping -Go bow hunting for Toyotas
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids -Jump back
-Play to lose -Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire -Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield -Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English -Skydive to church
-Cheer up a potato -Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play cards with your swimming pool -Pinstripe your driveway
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant -Harness chipmunk power
-Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab
-Mug a stop sign -Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic -Challenge your neighbor to a duel
-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail -Wonder
-Be a square root -Ask stupid questions
-Weld your car doors shut -Spew
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island -Surf Ohio
-Teach your pet rock to play dead -Go bowling for small game
-Be a monk...for a day -Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Staple -Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing
-Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick
-Annoy total strangers -Don't talk to things
-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed
-Have your gerbil gilded -Write books about writing books
-Create random equations -Misspell words
-Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan
-Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog
-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs
-String up a room -Stack furniture
-Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together
-Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue
-Decay -Find your half-life
-Build a house out of toothpicks -Howl
-Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it
-Make yourself a pair of wings -Be immobile
-Dance 'til you drop -Check under chairs for chewing gum
-Squish a loaf of bread -Moo
-Bounce a potato -Outmaneuver your shadow
-Climb the walls -Appreciate everything
-Challenge yourself to a duel -Believe in Santa Claus
-Let the best man win -Throw marshmallows against the wall
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms
-Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear
-Open everything -Sing loud and sour and gravelly
-Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes
-Write graffiti under the rug -Embarrass yourself
-Grind your teeth -Chew ice
-Count your belly button -Sit in a row
-Stack crumbs -Gesture
-Save your toenail clippings -Make a pass at your blender
-Punt -Make up words that start with X
-Make oatmeal in the bathtub -Search for the Lost Chord
-Chew on a sofa cushion -Sing a duet
-Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath
-Faint -Stretch
-Flash your mailman -Teach your TA English
-Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian
-Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car
-Record your walls -Put it together inside out
-Interview your feet -Make a list of your favorite fungi
-Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm
-Tattoo your dresser -Watch a bowling ball
-Buy some diapers -Eat everything
-Begin -Pour milk in the sink
-Make cottage cheese -Tie-dye your sheets
-Hold your earlobes -Carpet your ceiling
-Fold your earlobes -Flap
-Squawk -Read tea leaves
-Analyze the Koran -Be Buddha
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize -Plug in the cat
-Turn on everything -Drop pebbles down the chimney
-Turn off your neighbor -Kill a plant
-Buy a 1931 Almanac -Memorize the weather section
-Think lewd thoughts about yourself -Peel grapes
-Send chills down your spine -Make paper from the skins
-Blow bubbles -Bloat
-Catch them with your radiator -Get run over by a train of thought
-Make up famous sayings -Bite your pinkie
-File your teeth -Design a better toilet seat
-Shred a newspaper -Scratch
-Have a headache -Sniff
-Hatch an egg -Play air guitar
-Spill -Act profound
-Spell -Stare
-Truncate -Slouch
-Develop hearing problems -Put your feet behind your head
-Tie bows in everything -Hold your hand
-Watch the minute hand move -Grow your fingernails
-Pretend you're a telephone -Radiate
-Ring -Skip
-Play hopscotch...with real scotch -Clock the velocity of your REMs
-Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Cross your toes
-Roll your tongue -Crystalize
-Baby oil the floor -Hide
-Attack innocent bunnies -Declare war
-Destroy a tree -Hide the scrabble bag
-Seduce your stick shift -Wink
-Memorize the periodic table -Mummify
-Pretend you're a roadie -Buy a Ginsu knife
-Collect electrons -Correct typos that aren't there
-Polish your neck...use Pledge -Repeat
-Ad lib -Fade
-Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
-Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
-Walk on water...but don't get caught
-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
-Be in the wrong place at the right time
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
-Request covert assistance from the CIA
-Discover the source of the Mississippi
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
-Drink as much prune juice as you can
-Write a book about your previous life
-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage
-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people
-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
job they're doing...On April 1st
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down
-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
-Be planar...but don't tell your parents
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
-Debate politics with a fern
-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
-Increase your territorial holdings by force
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
-Boldly go where no man has gone before
-Be a threat to the American way of life
-Do research into the cause of World War III
-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
-See how small you can scrunch your face
-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
-Raise professional certified racing turnips
-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
-Send your goldfish to obedience school
-Free the oppressed toasters of America
-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
-Park your car...with a friend
-Park your car...with a group of friends
-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
-Place it on the wall of your office
-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
-Contribute to the population problem
-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
-Play with anything that looks interesting
-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
-Bronze your sister's turtle
-See how long it takes for her to notice
-See what she does when she notices
-Bronze your sister
- *****************************************************************************
TABLE OF AMERICAN AND BRITISH ENGLISH WORDS
KEY: sl. = slang
n. = noun
v. = verb
+ = can be used by Americans, but rare and/or archaic
> = American spelling can be used as alternate spelling
(XXXX) = Pronounciation difference
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a knockout (sl. beautiful) a stunner (sl.)
a little bit a spot (sl.)
abrigment abrigement
acknowledgment acknowledgement
ad (sl.) advert (sl.)
airplane aeroplane
aisle gangway
alley mews
aluminum aluminium
analyze >analyse
anemia anaemia
anesthetic anaesthetic
annex annexe
apartment mansion flat
apprise/apprize apprise
amortize amortise/amortize
ardor ardour
baby buggy (sl.) pram (sl. perambulator)
babysitter child-minder
bar pub
bartender landlord
bathroom loo (sl.)
bathroom +lavatory
beat (sl. tired) fagged
biscuit scone
big deal (sl.) big noise (sl.)
blacktop macadam
brash cheeky (sl.)
breakfast sausage banger (sl.)
bucks (sl. dollars) quid (sl. pounds)
buffet set meal
buggy (4 wheel carriage) buggy (2 wheel carriage)
bum (sl. vagrant) +tramp
bum (sl. vagrant) bum (sl. backside)
burglary house-breaking
cafeteria refrectory
can (metal container) tin
can (sl. jail) nick (sl. gaol)
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
can (sl. backside) bum (sl.)
caliber calibre
call up (telephone) ring up
cark shark (sl. gambler) card sharper (sl.)
center centre
cinder road metalled roadway
check cheque
checkers (game) draughts
clerk (KLERK) clerk (KLAHRK)
closet (clothes closet) closet (toilet)
closet (clothes closet) cupboard (clothes closet)
color colour
corn +Indian corn
connection connexion
confused fogged (sl.)
cookie biscuit
cop (police officer) bobby
county court assize
coveralls boiler suit
crap (sl. worthless) rot (sl.)
crooked (illegal) bent (sl.)
curb kerb
dead on (sl.) bang on
defense defence
deflection deflexion (but not in engineering)
derby (hat) bowler
detour diversion
dialyze >dialyse
diarrhea diarrhoea
diner chop house
disbarred struck off
disgusting off-putting
dishrag dish mop
discount store cut-price shop
dock quay
draft beer draught beer
dresser +wardrobe
dude tosh (sl.)
ecology oecology (old sp.)
edema oedema
efficiency apartment bed-sit
electrolyze >electrolyse
elevator lift
engineer (railroad) engine driver
enrollment enrolment
eolian aeolian
esophagus oesophagus
estrogen oestrogen
etiology aetiology
favor favour
favorite favourite
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fender (of a car) wing
fervor fervour
festive gathering jollities (sl.)
fetus foetus
fiber fibre
fire department fire brigade
fired sacked
first floor ground floor
flashlight torch
flavor flavour
fooling around messing about or mucking about (sl.)
for rent to let
freeway motorway
freight train goods train
French Frog (sl.)
french fries chips
fuel oil petrol
gasoline (or gas) petrol
gas cooking gas
garbage can dustbin
garbage dump rubbish tip
genuflection genuflexion
get lost! (sl. leave) push off! (sl.)
glasses +spectacles (sl. specs)
gray (color) grey (colour)
grounded (electrical) earthed
got have gotten
hand drill +brace and bit
hang around (sl. loiter) hang about (sl.)
hang up (telephone) ring off
hardware store ironmongers
harbor harbour
hemoglobin haemoglobin
hearing aid deaf aid
hiccup hiccough
honor honour
hood bonnet
horn (of a car) hooter
hubcap +wheel cover
humor humour
inflection inflexion
installment plan hire-purchase
intermission interval
jail gaol
janitor porter
jewelry jewellery
judgment judgement
kind of +rather
knock up (sl. get pregnant) knock up (sl. wake up)
labor labour
lawyer barrister
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lawyer soliciter
leather neck (sl. US Marine) jollies (sl. Royal Marines)
legal holiday +bank holiday
leveling levelling
license licence (n.; v.= license)
line que
lining up queueing
lodgment lodgement
long distance (telephone) trunk call
looney dottie (sl.)
loot boodle, swag (sl.)
luggage +baggage
luster lustre
mail post
mail letter
mailbox postbox or pillar box
mailman +postman
maneuver manoeuvre
marvelous marvellous
men's room gents (sl.)
messy shabby
meter (unit) metre
meter (as in voltmeter) meter
mist damp
mold mould
molder moulder
molt moult
mom (mother) mum
movie +film
movie theater +cinema
municipal judge magistrate
neighbor neighbour
newsstand kiosk
notary public commisioner of oaths
nuts (sl. crazy) dotty (sl.)
offense offence
orchestra seat stall
organize organise
overdraw (an account) overdraft
overpass (highway) flyover
pad (sl. house) digs (sl.)
pal (sl. friend) +fellow, chap (sl.)
pants +trousers
paralyze >paralyse
parking lot motor park
penny (cent) pence
picked up (arrested) nicked (sl.)
pharmiscist chemist
phone booth call box
phony phoney
photo flash flashlight
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
plain moor
plow plough
practice practise (v.; n.= practice)
pretense pretence
program programme
pulled up drew up
radio wireless
railroad car railroad carriage
rain cape ulster
raincoat mackintosh (or mac sl.)
research scientist boffin (sl.)
red hair ginger hair (sl.)
restroom +lavatory
rigor rigour
root beer ginger beer
rubber boots +gum boots
rubbers +galoshes
rumble seat dickey seat (sl.)
savor savour
sawed sawn
scallion spring onion
schedule (SKED-JEWL) scedule (SHED-DUAL)
Scotch tape celotape
scratch pad scribbling block
second floor first floor
sepulcher sepulchre
set the table lay the table
sewers drains
sidewalk path or footpath
shoes boots
shoeshine boy bootblack
shorts (underwear) pants
show up (sl. arrive) pop in (sl.)
shower +shower bath
smelled smelt
smolder smoulder
somber sombre
space heater electric fire
speakeasy (sl.) off licence (sl.)
specter spectre
speedboat engine boat
stand (law court) dock
station wagon estate car
stool pigeon (sl. informer) grass (sl.)
store +shop
story (as in: three story) storey
streaked with... shot through with...
streetcar tram
subway underground
subway station tube station
suspenders braces
AMERICAN BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
swamp bog or mire
swimming pool swimming bath
switch (railroad) points
tailored shirt maker bespoke shirtmaker
takeout (food) takeaways
taxes rates
taxpayers ratepayers
taxi +cab
theater theatre
thumbtacks drawing pins
time= HH:MM time=HH.MM
trailer caravan
trench coat duffle coat
truck (motor truck) lorry
truck (railroad car wheels) bogie
trunk (of a car) boot
tire tyre
toilet water closet (W.C.)
traffic cirle roundabout
tumor tumour
TV (sl.) telly (sl.)
undershirt vest
vacation holiday
vacuum tube valve
valet (military) batman
vapor vapour
vaudeville music hall
vest waistcoat
vise (tool, clamp) vice
wagon waggon
watch out for the... mind the...
whiz +whizz
will shall/will
will not shan't
windsheild windscreen
workman tradesman
wrench spanner
z (zee) z (zed)
Limey (sl. English person) Yank (sl. American person)
Adding to this list are all sorts of subtle gramatical shifts,
i.e. "Well, that fell into the category of things which could
have been put better, but I let him carry on." Which to an
American sounds VERY British, even though an American COULD
possibly say it that way. An American would more likely phrase
it, "Well, I though he could have said it better, but I let him
go on." There are conventions of language and phrasing that are
difficult to pick out, as well as subtle differences in logic.
Most Americans think that the British habit of installing light
switches so they light turns on when the toggle is pulled DOWN is
very illogical. In speaking you can say turn up the light to
replace turn on the light and carry the same meaning. Likewise
turn down the light sounds like approaching off. But British
logic doesn't follow the same conventions.
- *****************************************************************************
July 3,1990
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Rumors of the recent development of a super CPU in a secret factory in the
breakaway republic of Bananistan seem borne out by documents leaked by high
administration sources in an off-the-record briefing last week. What is
known so far is that the chip is manufactured under sea moss technology by
vapor depositing an ultra-thin substrate of L-triptophan on a base of
semi-conducting carob. Using CISC (complicated instruction set) methodology,
the CPU is directly programmable in BUNGL, a superset of the BOTCH language
discussed in the April 1980 issue of CREATIVE COMPUTING (pp. 16-17), then
undergoing Beta test. Speculation persists that World Power Systems is
testing a work station optimized for LOGO turtle graphics using the new
super chip, but no confirmation was available at press time.
Overextended Mnemonics
----------------------
ARRN Add and reset to random number
BB Branch on bug
BBI Branch on burned-out indicator
BBO Branch on bathtub overflow
BCF Branch on chip box full
BCH Branch on carry flag at half mast
BD Backspace disk
BPO Branch on power off
BS Branch sometimes
BSC Burst selector channel
BSO Branch on sleepy operator
BTI Blow trumpet immediately
CCS Chinese character set
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
DAC Divide and conquer
DAD Disable address and data lines
DD Destroy disk
DO Divide and overflow
DPK Destroy storage protect key
DZSR Divide by zero and store remainder
ECP Erase card punch
ED Eject disk
EIO Execute invalid op-code
EN Emulate Nintendo
EROS Erase read-only storage
FSG Fill screen with garbage
FSR Forms skip and run away
HCF Halt and catch fire
IA Illogical and
II Interrupt and ignore
IL Infinite loop
IOR Illogical or
IRB Invert record and branch
IRT Ignore write-protect tab
LCC Load and clear core
LIA Load ineffective address
LMB Lose message and branch
LRB Lose register byte
MLR Move and lose record
MTI Make tape invalid
MWC Move and warp core
NPN No program necessary
OCS Overwrite code segment
OOS Override operating system
PBC Print and break chain
PI Punch invalid
PO Punch operator
PPSW Pack program status word
PS Print and smear
RBT Read blank tape
RCR Rewind card reader
RCS Read card and scramble data
RDI Reverse drum immediately
RID Read invalid data
RIG Read inter-record gap
RBT Rewind and break tape
RIM Read instruction manual
RM Refresh memory
RNR Read noise record
ROM Read operator's mind
RPM Read programmer's mind
RPB Read, print and blush
RRCR Rotate right cash register
RRR Read record and run away
RSC Rewind system clock
RSO Resume on stack overflow
RT Reduce throughput
SC Scramble channels
SD Slip disk
SDRB Search and destroy register byte
SLC Shift left continuous
SLP Sharpen light pencil
SPSW Scramble program status word
SRCC Select reader and chew cards
SRSD Seek record and scar disk
SSJ Select stacker and jam
TAB Throw away byte
TAM Transfer accumulator to Minneapolis
TPO Turn power off
TVT Test vacuum tubes
UCB Uncouple CPU and branch
UER Update and erase record
UPC Uncouple program counter
WB Wait for bus
WG Wait for Godot
WBT Write blank tape
WI Wetware interrupt
WNR Write noise record
WRS Write to ROM storage
WWLW Write wrong length word
XNH Execute no-op and hang
XUI Execute undefined instruction
- *****************************************************************************
>>>>>> W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<<<
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender? Have you ever
had a noisy little spat with someone, and a cop cruising by calls,
"Everything all right over there?" Did you maybe sense that he
hoped that everything was not all right, that he wanted one of you
to answer, "No, officer, this idiot's bothering me"? That all he
was looking for was an excuse to launch himself from the cruiser
and play a drum solo on your skull with his nightstick?
Did you ever call the cops to report a crime-maybe someone
stole something from your car or broke into your home-and the cops
act as if it were your fault? That they were sorry that the
crook didn't rip you off for more? That instead of looking for
the culprit, they'd rather give you a shot in the chops for
bothering them with your bullshit in the first place?
If you've picked up on this attitude from your local sworn
protectors, it's not just paranoia. They actually don't like you.
In fact, the cops don't just dislike you, they hate your fucking
guts! Incidentally, for a number of very good reasons.
First of all, civilians are so goddamn stupid. They leave
things lying around, just begging thieves to steal them. They
park cars in high crime areas and leave portable-TVs, cameras,
wallets, purses, coats, luggage, grocery bags, and briefcases in
plain view on the seat. Oh, sure, maybe they'll remember to close
all the windows and lock the doors, but do you know how easy it is
to bust a car window? How fast can it be done? A ten-year-old
can do it in less than six seconds! And a poor cop has another
Larceny From Auto on his hands. Another crime to write a report
on, waste another half hour on. Another crime to make him look
bad.
Meanwhile, the asshole who left the family heirlooms on the
backseat in the first place is raising hell about where were the
cops when the car was being looted. He's planning to write irate
letters to the mayor and the police commissioner complaining about
what a lousy police force you have here; the can't even keep my
car from getting ripped off! What, were they drinking coffee
somewhere?
And the cops are saying to themselves, "Lemme tell ya,
fuckhead, we were seven blocks away, taking another stupid report
from another jerkoff civilian about his car being broken into
because he left his shit on the backseat, too!"
These civilians can't figure out that maybe they shouldn't
leave stuff lying around unattended where anybody can just pick it
up and boogie. Maybe they should put the shit in the trunk, where
no one but Superman is gonna see it. Maybe they should do that
before they get to wherever they're going just in case some
riffraff is hanging around watching them while the car is being
secured.
Another thing that drives cops wild is the "surely this doesn't
apply to me" syndrome, which never fails to reveal itself at scenes
of sniper or barricade incidents. There's always some asshole
walking down the street (or jogging or driving) who thinks the
police cars blocking off the area, the ropes marked Police Line: Do
Not Cross, the cops crouched behind cars pointing revolvers and
carbines and shotguns and bazookas at some building, all of this
has nothing whatsoever to do with him - so he weasels around the
barricades or slithers under the restraining ropes and blithely
continues on his way, right into the field of fire.
The result is that some cop risks his ass (or hers - don't
forget, the cops include women now) to go after the cretin and drag
him, usually under protest, back to safety. All of these cops,
including the one risking his ass, devoutly hope that the sniper
will get off one miraculous shot and drill the idiot right between
the horns, which would have two immediate effects: The quiche-for-
brains civilian would be dispatched to the next world, and every
cop on the scene would instantaneously be licensed to kill the scum
bag doing the sniping. Whereupon the cops would destroy the whole
fucking building, sniper and all, in about 30 seconds, which is
what they wanted to do in the first place, except the brass
wouldn't let them because the mother-fucker hadn't killed anybody
yet.
An allied phenomenon is the "my, isn't this amusing" behavior
exhibited, usually by Yuppies or other members of higher society,
at some emergency scenes. For example, a group of trendy types
will be strolling down the street when a squad car with lights
flashing and siren on screeches up to a building. They'll watch
the cops yank out their guns and run up to the door, flatten
themselves against the wall, and peep into the place cautiously.
Now, if you think about it, something serious could be happening
here. Cops usually don't pull their revolvers to go get a cup of
coffee. They usually don't hug the sides of buildings just before
dropping in to say hello. Any five-year-old ghetto kid can tell
you these cops are definitely ready to cap somebody. But do our
society friends perceive this? Do they stay out of the cops' way?
Of course not! They think it's vastly amusing. And, of course,
since they're not involved in the funny little game the cops are
playing, they think nothing can happen to them!
While the ghetto kid is hiding behind a car waiting for the
shooting to start, Muffy and Chip and Biffy are continuing their
stroll, right up to the officers, tittering among themselves about
how silly the cops look, all scrunched up against the wall, trying
to look in through the door without stopping bullets with their
foreheads.
What the cops are hoping at that point is for a homicidal
holdup man to come busting out the door with a sawed-off shotgun.
They're hoping he has it loaded with elephant shot, and that he
immediately identifies our socialites as serious threats to his
personal well-being. They're hoping he has just enough ammunition
to blast the shit out of the gigglers, but not enough to return the
fire when the cops open up on him..
Of course, if that actually happens, the poor cops will be in
a world of trouble for not protecting the "innocent bystanders."
The brass wouldn't even want to hear that the shitheads probably
didn't have enough sense to come in out of an acid rain. Somebody
ought to tell all the quiche eaters out there to stand back when
they encounter someone with a gun in his hand, whether he happens
to be wearing a badge or ski mask.
Civilians also aggravate cops in a number of other ways. One
of their favorite games is "Officer, can you tell me?" A cop knows
he's been selected to play this game whenever someone approaches
and utters those magic words. Now, it's okay if they continue
with, "...how to get to so-and-so street?" or, "...where such-and-
such a place is located?" After all, cops are supposed to be
familiar with the area in which they work. But it eats out the
lining of their stomachs when some jerkoff asks, "where can I catch
the number fifty-four bus?" Or, "Where can I find a telephone?"
Cops look forward to their last day before retirement, when
they can finally give these douche bags the answer they've been
choking back for 20 years: "No maggot, I can't tell ya where the
fifty-four bus runs! What does this look like, an MTA uniform? Go
ask a fucking bus driver! And no, dog breath, I don't know where
you can find a phone, except wherever your fucking eyes see
one! Take your head out of your ass and look for one!"
And cops just love to find a guy parking his car in a
crosswalk next to a fire hydrant at a bus stop posted with a sign
saying, "Don't Even Think About Stopping, Standing, or Parking
Here. Cars Towed Away, Forfeited to the Government, and Sold at
Public Auction," and the jerk asks, "Officer, may I park here for a
minute?"
"What, are ya nuts? Of course you can park here! As long as
you like! Leave it there all day! Ya don't see anything that says
ya can't, do ya? You're welcome. See ya later." The cop then
drives around the corner and calls a tow truck to remove the
vehicle. Later, in traffic court, the idiot will be whining to the
judge, "But Your Honor, I asked an officer if I could park there,
and he said I could! No, I don't know which officer, but I did
ask! Honest! No, wait Judge, I can't afford five hundred dollars!
This isn't fair! I am not creating a disturbance! I've got my
rights! Get your hands off me! Where are you taking me? What do
you mean, ten days for contempt of court? What did I do? Wait,
wait....." If you should happen to see a cop humming contentedly
and smiling to himself for no apparent reason, he may have won at
this game.
Wildly unrealistic civilian expectations also contribute to a
cop's distaste for the general citizenry. An officer can be
running his ass off all day or night handling call after call and
writing volumes of police reports, but everybody thinks their
problem is the only thing he has to work on. The policeman may
have a few worries, too. Ever think of that? The sergeant is on
him because he's been late for roll call a few days; he's been
battling like a badger with his wife, who's just about to leave him
because he never takes her anywhere and doesn't spend enough time
at home and the kids need braces and the station wagon needs a
major engine overhaul and where are we gonna get the money to pay
for all that and we haven't had a real vacation for years and all
you do is hang around with other cops and you've been drinking too
much lately and I could've married that wonderful guy I was going
with when I met you and lived happily ever after and why don't you
get a regular job with regular days off and no night shifts and
decent pay and a chance for advancement and no one throwing bottles
or taking wild potshots at you?
Meanwhile, that sweet young thing he met on a call last month
says her period is late. Internal Affairs is investigating him on
fucking up a disorderly last week; the captain is pissed at him for
tagging a councilman's car; a burglar's been tearing up the
businesses on his post; and he's already handled two robberies,
three family fights, a stolen auto, and a half dozen juvenile
complaints today.
Now here he is on another juvenile call, trying to explain to
some bimbo, who's the president of her neighborhood improvement
association, that the security of Western Civilization is not
really threatened all that much by the kids who hang around the
corner by her house. "Yes, officer, I know they're not there now.
They always leave when you come by. But after you're gone they
come right back, don't you see, and continue their disturbance.
It's intolerable! I'm so upset, I can barely sleep at night!"
By now the cop's eyes have glazed over. "What we need here,
officer," she continues vehemently, "is greater attention to this
matter by the police. You and some other officers should hide and
stake out that corner so those renegades wouldn't see you. Then
you could catch them in the act!"
"Yes, ma'am, we'd love to stake out that corner a few hours
every night, since we don't have anything else to do, but I've got
a better idea," he'd like to say. "Here's a box of fragmentation
grenades the Department obtained from the Army just for situations
like this. The next time you see those little fuckers out there,
just lob a couple of these into the crowd and get down!"
Or he's got an artsy-crafty type who's moved into a tough,
rundown neighborhood and decides it's gotta be cleaned up. You
know, "urban pioneers." The cops see a lot of them now. The cops
call them volunteer victims. Most of them are intelligent,
talented, hard working, well-paid folds with masochistic
chromosomes interspersed among their otherwise normal genes. They
have nice jobs, live in nice homes, and have a lot of nice material
possessions, and they somehow decide that it would be just a
marvelous idea to move into a slum and get yoked, roped, looted,
and pillaged on a regular basis. What else do they expect? Peace
and harmony? It's like tossing a juicy little pig into a piranha
tank.
moving day: Here come the pioneers, dropping all their groovy
gear from their Volvo station wagon, setting it on the sidewalk so
everyone on the block can get a good look at the stereo system,
food processor, the microwave, the color TV, the tape deck, etc.
At the same time, the local burglars are appraising the goods
unofficially and calculating how much they can get for the TV down
at the corner bar, how much the stereo will bring at Joe's Garage,
who might want the tape deck at the barbershop, and maybe mama can
use the microwave herself.
When the pioneers get ripped off, the cops figure they asked
for it, and they got it. You want to poke your arms through the
door of a tiger cage? Don't be amazed when he eats it for lunch!
The cops regard it as naive for trendies to move into the crime
zones and conduct their lives the same way they did up on Society
Hill. In fact, they can't fathom why anyone who didn't have to
would want to move there at all, regardless of how they want to
live or how prepared they might be to adapt their behavior.
That's probably because the cops are intimately acquainted with all
those petty but disturbing crimes and nasty little incidents that
never make the newspapers but profoundly affect the quality of life
in a particular area.
Something else that causes premature aging among cops is the
"I don't know who to call, so I'll call the police" ploy. Why, the
cops ask themselves, do they get so many calls for things like
water leaks, sick cases, bats in houses, and the like. Things that
have nothing whatsoever to do with law enforcement or the
maintenance of public order? They figure it's because civilians
are getting more and more accustomed to having the government solve
problems for them, and the local P.D. is the only governmental
agency that'll even answer the phone at 3:00a.m., let alone send
anybody.
So, when the call comes over the radio to go to such-and-such
an address for a water leak, the assigned officer rolls his eyes,
acknowledges, responds, surveys the problem, and tells the
complainant, "Yep, that's a water leak all right. No doubt about
it. Ya probably oughta call a plumber! And it might not be a bad
idea to turn off your main valve for a while." Or, "Yep, your Aunt
Minnie's sick all right! Ya probably oughta get'er to a doctor
tomorrow if she doesn't get any better by then." Or, "Yep, that's a
bat all right! Mebbe ya oughta open the windows so it can fly
outside again!"
In the meantime, while our hero is waiting time on this
bullshit call, maybe someone is having a real problem out there,
like getting raped, robbed, or killed. Street cops would like to
work the phones just once and catch a few of these idiotic
complaints! "A bat in your house? No need to send an officer when
I can tell ya what to do over the phone, pal! Close all your doors
and windows right away. Pour gasoline all over your furniture.
That's it. Now, set it on fire and get everybody outside. Yeah,
you'll get the little motherfucker for sure! That's okay, call us
any time."
Probably the most serious beef cops have with civilians
relates to those situations in which the use of force becomes
necessary to deal with some desperado who may have just robbed a
bank, iced somebody, beat up his wife and kids, or wounded some
cop, and now he's caught but won't give up. He's not going to be
taken alive, he's going to take some cops with him, and you better
say your prayers, you pig bastards! Naturally, if the chump's
armed with any kind of weapon, the cops are going to shoot the shit
out of him so bad they'll be able to open up his body later as a
lead mine. If he's not armed, and the cops aren't creative enough
to find a weapon for him, they'll just beat him into raw meat and
hope he spends the next few weeks in traction. They view it as a
learning experience for the asshole. You fuck up somebody, you
find out what it feels like to get fucked up. Don't like it?
Don't do it again! It's called "street justice," and civilians
approve of it as much as cops do, even if they don't admit it.
Remember how the audience cheered when Charles Bronson fucked
up the bad guys in "Death Wish"? How they scream with joy every
time Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry makes his day by blowing up some
rotten scumball with his .44 Magnum? What they applaud is the
administration of street justice. The old eye-for-an-eye concept,
one of mankind's most primal instincts. All of us have it,
especially cops.
It severely offends and deeply hurts cops when they administer
a dose of good old-fashioned street justice only to have some
bleeding-heart do-gooder happen upon the scene at the last minute,
when the hairbag is at last getting his just deserts, and start
hollering police brutality. Cops regard that as very serious
business indeed. Brutality can get them fired. Get fired from one
police department, and it's tough to get a job as a cop anywhere
else ever again.
Brutality exposes a cop to civil liability as well. Also, his
superior officers, the police department as an agency, and maybe
even the local government itself. You've seen those segments on
"60 Minutes", right? Some cop screws up, gets sued along with
everybody else in the department who ever had anything to do with
him, and the city or county ends up paying the plaintiff umpty-ump
million dollars, raising taxes and hocking it's fire engines in the
process. What do you think happens to the cop who fucked up in the
first place? He's done for.
On may occasions when the cops are accused of excessive force,
the apparent brutality is a misperception by some observer who
isn't acquainted with the realities of police work. For example,
do you have any idea how hard it is to handcuff someone who really
doesn't want to be handcuffed? Without hurting them? It's almost
impossible for one cop to accomplish by himself unless he beats the
hell out of the prisoner first, which would also be viewed as
brutality! It frequently takes three or four cops to handcuff one
son of a bitch who's absolutely determined to battle them.
In situations like that, it's not unusual to hear someone in
the crowd of onlookers comment on how they're ganging up on the
poor bastard and beating him unnecessarily. This makes them feel
like telling the complainer, "Hey motherfucker, you think you can
handcuff this shithead by yourself without killing him first?
C'mere! You're deputized! Now go ahead and do it!"
The problem is that, in addition to being unfamiliar with how
difficult it is in the real world to physically control someone
without beating his ass, last minute observers usually don't have
the opportunity to see for themselves, like they do in the movies
and on TV, what a fucking monster the suspect might be. If they
did, they'd probably holler at the cops to beat his ass some more.
They might actually even want to help!
The best thing for civilians to do if they think they see the
cops rough up somebody too much is to keep their mouths shut at the
scene, and to make inquiries of the police brass later on. There
might be ample justification for the degree of force used that just
wasn't apparent at the time of the arrest. If not, the brass will
be very interested in the complaint. If one of their cops went
over the deep end, they'll want to know about it.
Most of this comes down to common sense, a characteristic the
cops feel most civilians lack. One of the elements of common sense
is thinking before opening one's yap of taking other action. Just
a brief moment of thought will often prevent the utterance of
something stupid or commission of some idiotic act that will, among
other things, generate nothing but contempt from the average
street cop. THINK-and it might mean getting a warning instead of a
traffic ticket. Or getting sent on your way rather than being
arrested. Or continuing on to your original destination instead of
the hospital. It might mean getting some real assistance instead
of the runaround. The very least it'll get you is a measure of
respect cops seldom show civilians. Act like you've got just a
little sense, and even if the cops don't love you, they at least
won't hate you.
- *****************************************************************************
DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES
Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)
Updated 8/7/88 W0PN
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe
they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for
which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of
secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive
research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the
massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power
companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted
light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is
then transported back to the power generation stations via wires. A more
descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the
device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory,
which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has
great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the
universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not
suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is
actually the ABSENCE of DARK... light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are. There is much
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their
limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck
dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much
greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a
celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking
it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun
is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to
it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which
are far distant from the Sun.
Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark
spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these
'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots
represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark
to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space. This
leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio
communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles
as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the
Sun.
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they
are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed
by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached
maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds
a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at
all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You
will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all
the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the
wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the
way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because
of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these
devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a
dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before
the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a
battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is
actually a compact dark storage unit.
The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great
range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the
hood of the vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter
season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than
they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total
replacement.
Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused
by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons) actually generates
substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid
wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of
heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If you swim just below
the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light' (absence of dark, to be
more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you notice
it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter' near the surface.
The power companies have learned to use the dark that has settled to the
bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which generate electricity
to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored for
their devious purposes.
Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long
journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same
direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the
flow of dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they
paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way.
Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation with
which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such
instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can
actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of
dark, right in your own home.
All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated
in a bright room. You know from past experience that the tightly shut
drawer is FULL of dark. Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's
handle. Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears,
demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest
darksucker!
The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark
must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast
quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation'
facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The
older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark
in huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told the huge
black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case.
The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities;
D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy. The intent of
the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to
the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world.
New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the
public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter.
Les Dark, Editor
- *****************************************************************************
FUNNY FRENCH PHRASES: Here is a list of French idioms in use
relatively recently in Paris. We thought you'd like them....
FRENCH PHRASE, followed by Literal Translation, followed by
(English Equivalent):
AH LA VACHE!
Oh, my Cow! (Good God!)
C'EST LA FIN DES HARICOTS.
It's the finish of the green beans. (It's hopeless.)
POSER UN LAPIN.
To leave a rabbit. (To stand someone up.)
AVOIR LE GUEULE DE BOIS.
To have a wooden face. (Have a hangover)
FAIRE UN TABAC.
Make a tobacco. (Be the toast of the town.)
FAIRE UN BOEUF.
Make a beef. (Improvise [as a jam session.])
METTRE LES VOILES.
Put on the sails. (To split.)
SE FAIRE UNE TOILE.
To make a fabric. (Go to the movies.)
COMME UN CHEVEAU SUR LA SOUPE.
Like a hair in the soup. (Something out of context.)
FAIRE UN BIDE.
To make a big belly. (To fail, flop.)
BOIRE COMME UN TROU.
Drink like a hole. (Get smashed.)
PRENDRE LE TAUREAU PAR LES CORNES.
Take the bull by the horns. (To face a problem.)
PRENDRE SON PIED.
Take his foot. (It was swell.)
C'EST LE BOUQUET.
That's the bouquet. (That's the limit.)
J'EN AI RAS-LE-BOL.
My bowl is overflowing. (I can't take it any more.)
LES CAROTTES SONT CUITES.
The carrots are cooked. (I've had it!)
FAIRE LE PIED DE GRUE.
To make like a flamingo stands. (To wait.)
MARCHER A COTE DE SES POMPES.
To walk next to your shoes. (To be out of it.)
CHERCHER DES PUCES.
To look for fleas. (To bug someone.)
ARRETE TON CHAR.
Stop your chariot. (Stop it!!)
SE FENDRE LA PIPE.
To break the pipe. (To laugh.)
METTTRE LES PETITS PLATS DANS LES GRANDS.
Put the little plates in the big ones. (Putting on the dog.)
SE FARCUR.
To be stuffed. (To be bored.)
ETRE A LA COLLE.
To be glued. (To have a romantic adventure.)
ETRE UN BON COUP.
To be a good hit. (To be good in bed.)
CIEL, MON MARI!
Sky, my husband! (Caught in the act!)
(Sorry about the lack of accent marks...we're working on that!)
- *****************************************************************************
|===>> Is a new MAINFRAME O/S in the works at IBM ?!?!
Mail from YORKTOWN received 11-Dec-79 23:33:43-EST
Date: 11 Dec 1979 2333-EST
From: Watson at YORKTOWN (T. J. Watson, Jr.)
Subject: new operating system
=== ====== === ===
= = = === ===
= ===== ==== ====
= = = == == ==
=== ====== === ===
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Data Processing Division Date: January 30, 1979
PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT
New Operating System
Because so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater
capability than VM, IBM announces the Virtual Universe Operating System
-
OS/VU.
Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a
machine of his own, but an entire universe of his own, in which he can
set up and take down his own programs, data sets, systems networks,
personnel, and planetary systems. He need only specify the universe he
desires, and the OS/VU system generation program (IEHGOD) does the rest.
This program will reside in SYS1.GODLIB. The minimum time for this
function is 6 days of activity and 1 day of review. In conjunction with
OS/VU, all system utilities have been replaced by one program
(IEHPROPHET) which will reside in SYS1.MESSIAH. This program has no
parms or control cards as it knows what you want to do when it is
executed.
Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of
sophistication in the data processing field if an efficient utilization
of OS/VU is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies,
for instance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job.
Although IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, The United States, is
working on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the
overhead of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be
careful for the present to stay within the laws of physics. IBM must
charge an additional fee for violations.
OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature.
Rental is twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond.
Microcode assist will be available for all odd-numbered processors
to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU clock times. This feature will
be a prerequisite for the implementation of the Rutgers University
virtual date package.
Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and
hardware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers effect one output that is
(conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual
Reality". OS/VR is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally
unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference between
"Virtual Reality" and "Real Reality", a file containing a linear
arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments of now
will be established. Its name will be SYS1.est.
For more information, contact your IBM data processing representative.
- *****************************************************************************
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
=============================================================
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that
we introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
lion in the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
"P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside. We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then
the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is
in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to
west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore
contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in
this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then
completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider
the integral
1 [ f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 \pi i ] z - \zeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere
in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage. Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been
eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl
around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
danger.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
3.1 The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through. This we drag across the desert.
3.2 The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.
3.3 The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the
field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the
lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.
[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933),
pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid
--
4 Contributions from Computer Science.
4.1 The search method
We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL
problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
solve the problem.
4.2 The parallel search method.
By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
north much faster than earlier.
4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.
We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding
neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability
appear sooner or later.
4.4 The practical approach.
We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is
particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.
4.5 The common language approach.
If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
trivial to solve.
4.6 The standard approach.
We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified
a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for
initial investigastions into this standard development.
4.7 Linear search.
Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step
east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally
reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you
before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
try again.
4.8 The Dijkstra approach:
The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:
Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)
We observe the following invariant:
P1: C(L) v not(C(L))
where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.
Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement
;cage := {}
Note 0:
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)
The obvious program structure is then:
;cage:={}
;do NOT (C(L)) ->
;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
;if P(L) ->
;"insert lion in cage"
[] not P(L) ->
;skip
;fi
;od
where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.
Note 1:
Axiom 2 esnures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)
Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)
Note 2:
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)
Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)
Note 3:
From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
run it.
(End of note 3.)
(End of approach.)
- *****************************************************************************
Important tips for Mideastern Travelers
*****************************************
Here is a list of useful phrases to know when traveling in Moselem areas:
Akbar khalil-kili haftir loftan.
"Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun."
Ferkar gabul cardan davat paeah divar.
"I am delighted to accept you kind invitation to lie down on the floor
with my arms above my head and legs apart."
Homaet feka tamomen oef goftehr bandw.
"I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life."
Auto arrarebgh davatma mano sepaheh hastar.
"It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
your Mercedes 280SL."
Fashel eh tupehman degat mano goftar chesshayeh mohema raieah keaver
rachman.
"If you will do me the great kindness of not harming my genital
appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
public."
Khael mapar maneh sonafi amriiki.
"I will most gladly tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies posing as reporters."
Bali, bali, bali.
"What ever you say."
Matener ghermez allieh sayed ghorban.
"Why yes, the red blindfold is lovely, excellency."
Tikeh nun baob khreleh bezong valkhrubr boyast ino begeram.
"The water-soaked bread crumbs are truly delicious. I must have your
recipe."
Keef dechmar otageh shoma mikrastam dehed haftar me rodenah teegz.
"Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than
spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs."
- *****************************************************************************
Murphy's Military Laws
1. You are not superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isnt stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.
4. Never draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
6. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.
7. Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
8. If the attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
9. No plan survives the first contact intact.
10. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
12. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you.
13. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys might be low on ammo.
14. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
15. The importaint things are always simple.
16. The simple things are always hard.
17. The easy way is always mined.
18. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat.
19. When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy.
20. Incomming fire has the right of way.
21. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
23. Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
24. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
25. Friendly fire - Isn't.
26. Recoiless rifles - aren't.
27. Suppressive fire - Won't.
28. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped
together.
29. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately,
(Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and bad weather, and
espcially during both.)
30. Anything you do can get you shot including doing nothing.
31. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
32. Tracers work both ways.
33. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire in incomming
friendly fire.
34. Teamwork is essential. It gives them other people to shoot at.
35. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have
more than your fair share to take.
36. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, both are
right.
37. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of
amateurs.
38. If it jams, force it, if it breaks, it needed replacing anyways.
39. If its indescribable, its edible.
40. If it was important during peacetime, its useless now. If it was
useless during training, its important now.
41. Bullets dont subscribe to the "rank has its privileges" theory.
42. Murphy was a grunt.
Murphy's Programmers Laws
Brook's Law
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Dijkstra's Law of Programming Inertia
If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better
not start writing it.
First Maxim of Computers
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
Gallois's Revelation
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes back out but
tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to
criticize it.
Corollary- An expert is a person who avoids the
small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.
Glib's Laws of Reliability
1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary- At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming
it on the computer.
2. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
3. The only difference between the fools and the criminal who attacks a
system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
4. A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than
simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes
intolerable.
5. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the
inherant unreliability of the system in which they are used.
6. The error detection and correction capabilities of a system will
serve as the key to understanding the types of error which they
cannot handle.
7. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
8. All real programs contain errors unless proven otherwise, which is
impossible.
9. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work
done.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom
1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
estimating the corresponding costs.
2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete
than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.
3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with
time.
4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
manifests their lack of progress.
Goodin's Law of Conversions
The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected
and out.
Gray's Law of Programming
N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time
as N trivial tasks.
Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial
tasks for N sufficiently large.
Grosch's Law
Computer power increases as the square of the costs. If you want to
do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
IBM Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly
the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of Computer Programming
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its
output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
programmer who must maintain it.
8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English.
9. Software is hard. Hardware is soft. It is economically more
feasible to build a computer than to program it.
10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was
overlooked in the design of a programming language.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.
Project scheduling "99" rule
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The
last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
Sattlinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Segal's Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches
is never sure.
Shaw's Principle
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to
use it.
Troutman's Programming Postilates
1. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent
systems will malfunction.
2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six
months will the most harmful error be discovered.
3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in proper
order will be.
4. Interchangeable tapes won't.
5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
6. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
The Unspeakable Law
As soon as you mention something...if it's good, it goes away;
if it's bad, it happens.
Weinberg's Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy society as we
know it.
- *****************************************************************************
THE RULES
1. The female always makes the 8. The Female can change her
rules. mind at any given point in
time.
2. No male can possibly know all
the rules. 9. The Male must never change
his mind without written
3. The rules are subject to consent from the Female.
change at any time without
notification. 10. The Female has every right
to be angry or upset at any
4. If the female suspects the time.
male knows all the rules, she
MUST immediately change some 11. The Male must remain calm at
or all of the rules. all times, unless the Female
wants him to be angry or
5. The female is never wrong. upset.
6. If the female is wrong, it is 12. The Female must under no
because of a flagrant circumstances let the Male
misunderstanding which was a know whether or not she wants
direct result of something the him to be angry or upset.
male did or said.
13. Any attempt to document these
7. If rule 6 applies, the male rules could result in bodily
must apologize immediately for harm.
causing the misunderstanding.
14. If the Female has PMS, all
rules are null and void.
- *****************************************************************************
WISCONSIN-ISMS
A handy guide to the English language as spoken in Dairyland.
A careful study of these terms is recommended before
attempting conversation with the native cheese-heads.
AIN'A (Ayna) - Used in much the same manner as the Canadian
HEY, this term is usually found at the end of a sentence,
such as "We should get us a coupla cold brews, aina?" Closest
literal translation would be "Isn't that so?"
BETATAH (Buh-TAY-tuh) This is a starchy tuber grown and
eaten in Wisconsin. Known as a potato outside of the state,
this vegetable is usually eaten with meat.
BRANDY Distilled wine. Wisconsin consumes 90% of the brandy
produced in the US. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do
it.
BRAT (Braht) Short for Bratwurst, Wisconsin's favorite
sausage. Brats contain pork, beef, and spices. Lots of
spices. A brat-fry is the social equivalent of the New
England Clambake or the Texas Barbecue. Brats are not fried
at a brat-fry, they are grilled over charcoal, simmered in a
beer-and-onion broth, then served on a bun with mustard,
onion, kraut, and a cold brew.
BREW (Brew-Ha, Brewski, Brewster) A bottle, can, or glass
of beer. Also known as SUDS, BARLEY-POP, BARLEY-SODA, GOLDEN
FOAMY, and MALTED MOTHERS MILK.
BUBBLER A drinking fountain. Originally named after the
valve, which caused the water to "bubble up" when turned on.
Ask where the water-fountain is, and the Wisconsinite will
direct you to the nearest bubbler.
CANNIBAL SANDWICH Raw ground sirloin served on dark rye
bread and covered with thin-sliced raw onion. Obviously
invented by someone who hated to cook, this is definitely an
acquired taste.
CHEESE-HEAD Originally coined as a derogatory term by the
flatlanders to the south, the name has been adopted and may
be used freely.
COFFEE-KLUTCH A friendly gathering at which coffee is drunk,
schnecks consumed, and gossip is spread.
COOLER BY THE LAKE Meteorological condition where
temperatures are lower in the immediate vicinity of Lake
Michigan (the big pond). Most uttered phrase during summer
weather reports.
DAIRY AIR Also known as HEIFER-MIST. Although some may
think that this natural by-product of the dairy industry
smells like manure, to a dairy-farmer it smells a lot like
money. Just watch where you're walking.
DEER HUNTING The Wisconsin version of Marti Gras. Each
November, thousands of male residents go up north to drink
a brewski and bag a bambi.
FIBS (Fibber) FIBS is an acronym for Fucking Illinois
Bastards - those people "south of the border" who drive like
wild maniacs (toll-free) all the way to the Dells.
FROZEN CUSTARD A sinfully rich form of ice-cream made with
real cream, real eggs, and real good! Not to be confused
with "soft-serve", true frozen custard bypasses the digestive
process and converts directly to body fat.
GEMUTLICHKEIT Pronounced just like it is spelled. This
German word means good-natured, genial, or friendly. The
ability of people to make you feel welcome.
GEORGE WEBB Bar-time four star restaurant. Most often
populated from 6:00 A.M. to 11:30 P.M. by police officers.
IMPORTED BEER This is any variety of brewski that is not
produced in Milwaukee. When you ask for an imported beer in
a Milwaukee tavern, you'll probably get a Coors.
KETTLE-MORAINE A geological feature of Southeastern
Wisconsin caused by the melting of the glacier. A kettle is
a sharp depression, and a moraine is a hill or ridge composed
mostly of mixed loose rocks. It makes for great scenery, but
it's hell on road-builders.
MOO JUICE (Mooooo Juice) Simply put, milk.
PASTY (PASTE-Y) Meat, potatoes, and vegetables wrapped in a
pie crust and baked. Imported to Wisconsin by Cornish lead
miners.
SCHNECK Any sweet pastry, roll, or doughnut. The proper way
to eat a schneck is to dunk (doonk) it in your coffee.
SMELT FRY In early spring, a small fish known as a SMELT
migrates towards the shore of Lake Michigan during the night
to spawn. Thousands of Wisconsinites show up at the piers
with huge nets to catch the little buggers. They are then
taken back to the tavern, beheaded, gutted, fried, and eaten
(washed down with lots of brewski's). Truly, a right of
spring.
SODA If you want a carbonated soft drink, ask for a soda.
If you really want soda (plain carbonated water) ask for
seltzer. If you ask for pop, you'll get that smug grin that
says "not from around here, are you?"
SHEEPSHEAD This has nothing to do with the Godfather. It
also has nothing to do with sheep. It is a card game. You
have to be born here to understand it. It is played with
only 30 of the 52 cards. Yes, sheepshead players are not
playing with a full deck.
STOP'N GO LIGHTS Traffic signals to you, but isn't that
dull? After all, one light means stop, the other means go,
so what else would you call them?
UFF-DA A Norwegian expression which does not translate well.
The closest equivalent would be the Jewish "Oy Vey".
UP NORTH (pronounced "Up Nort") Where people go for
vacation, fishing, or hunting. A very general term, up north
is sometimes reached by traveling East or West. Anywhere 100
miles or more from where you are, and in a generally northern
direction may be considered "up nort".
UPer (Yooper) A native of Michigan's upper peninsula (UP).
For these people, up north is Canada.
WINTER (Also known as a "WISCONSIN WINTER"). This is one of
Wisconsin's two seasons which lasts approximately 9 months.
The other season is the ROAD CONSTRUCTION season, lasting
roughly 3 months.
Ya Der Hey! One can judge the sobriety of a Wisconsinite by
the way he answers this question: "Hey Stan, wanna Brewski?"
If the answer is "Ya Der Hey!", then Stan is only on his
first six pack of Blatz. If he answers "Not now no more,
eh?!" then he could only bowl a 110, and probably would not
pass a blood-alcohol test (even if he studied for it).
- *****************************************************************************
FEMALE ANALYSIS
Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight:
Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes ranging from 90 to 260, with highly
radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid
at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au),silver(Ag),platinum(Pt),
and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with
saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
process that the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they
are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they
may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what
you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to (at times causing overheating).
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what
ever reason.
a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been
obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to
perform trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite
of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of
more than one of the male gender, and lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can
expand on the idea "weaker sex".
Note:
1. Most specimens are worth keeping, even after adverse reactions
have occured!
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