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From ronald@xenna.encore.com Sun May 13 07:52:17 1990
From: ronald@xenna.encore.com (Ron Skoletsky)
Subject: Complete listing of Answering Machine Messages [so far]
Last week I requested answering machine messages. Here are the ones I've
gotten so far:
[I haven't posted names of originators because I'm lazy and editing this was
already a pain. Sorry.]
Ron
----------------------------------------------------
This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
<Phone Rings>
Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
----------------------------------------------------
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!
----------------------------------------------------
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
----------------------------------------------------
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious ...}
----------------------------------------------------
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
----------------------------------------------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
----------------------------------------------------
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
----------------------------------------------------
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
------------------------------------------------
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
....shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>
------------------------------------------------
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the
Eighties. You know what to do."
------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
------------------------------------------------
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
------------------------------------------------
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating
at all different pitches}
------------------------------------------------
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
------------------------------------------------
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]
------------------------------------------------
<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
------------------------------------------------
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave
a message..." etc.
------------------------------------------------
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx.
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
the beep.)
------------------------------------------------
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a
lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
------------------------------------------------
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
------------------------------------------------
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
------------------------------------------------
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".
------------------------------------------------
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.
------------------------------------------------
"This is David. Talk."
------------------------------------------------
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."
------------------------------------------------
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
------------------------------------------------
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
------------------------------------------------
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
with a vacuum cleaner."
------------------------------------------------
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
------------------------------------------------
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
"Van
couver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
------------------------------------------------
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."
------------------------------------------------
Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
------------------------------------------------
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
------------------------------------------------
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."
------------------------------------------------
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
------------------------------------------------
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.
------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
------------------------------------------------
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
------------------------------------------------
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
------------------------------------------------
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
------------------------------------------------
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>
------------------------------------------------
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!" <BEEP>
------------------------------------------------
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
------------------------------------------------
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
------------------------------------------------
"Speak, worm!" <beep>
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
------------------------------------------------
"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" <beep>
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
------------------------------------------------
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
------------------------------------------------
One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice:
Nobody expects an answrering machine.
Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And
message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and
message. And time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so
just wait for the beep.
------------------------------------------------
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... "
------------------------------------------------
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>
------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
BEEEP!
------------------------------------------------
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and
we'll get back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
------------------------------------------------
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
------------------------------------------------
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
------------------------------------------------
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear
a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass,
oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...
------------------------------------------------
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!!
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet
you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
you...
------------------------------------------------
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
------------------------------------------------
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
------------------------------------------------
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
------------------------------------------------
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the
telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear
a beep...
------------------------------------------------
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
------------------------------------------------
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
------------------------------------------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
------------------------------------------------
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
------------------------------------------------
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message... leave a message... etc.
------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
------------------------------------------------
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
------------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
------------------------------------------------
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
------------------------------------------------
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
------------------------------------------------
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
....Any questions?
------------------------------------------------
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.
------------------------------------------------
<beep, beep, beep>
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
------------------------------------------------
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
------------------------------------------------
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where