💾 Archived View for kulu.pw › users › kulupu.keta › thoughts › mentalhealth.gmi captured on 2022-04-28 at 17:43:26. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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thoughts about mental health go here. nothing here is meant as a generalization, only refers to muis, and might not even be correct, but getting things down helps muis regardless.
4.21.2022
here's a limitation i am trying to understand. someone has a different understanding of reality than i do, so i try to interact with that person and maladaptively try to bring up stressors to that worldview. this can be counteracted by setting a boundry that my ability to interact with others be intentional when trying to discuss those differences. instead of relying on innuendo, or feeling shame or guilt for these things, try to instead call them out specifically and discuss the dissonances individually using honest and open communication. the hard part to overcome is the fear of the conflict that interacting with others in this way might lead to. letting go is the point here, be free, these are boundries. be secure in muirselfs
4.21.2022
justifying things seems so useful because it is a reaction to feeling trapped. justifying the reasons things exist a certain way. understanding the way things are, material analysis.
this is also related to that feeling of needing to have a model of how things work, the fear of not having justifications for things happening. this can lead to overwhelmed feelings, since everything cannot be actually known, truth and reality is perception. which is to say, that reality isn't something that the mind can perceive, but rather something that is constantly filtered through sensory organs, and somehow made to have coherent narrative meaning by consciousness.
and there i go again with the ramblin'
its a distraction, and it helps clarify the situation and how to change it. what im trying to say is that justifying things isnt always a maladaptive thing. like anxiety can be flags that something is legitimetly wrong, its just that i have to understand that my body will react in a certain way based on past experiences/traumas and that it doesnt always mean im in the same situation or that the same coping mechanisms will work.
its important to be aware of, specifically with justifications, is that most things can be "justified" if enough thought goes into it, and if the ability to think clearly is being influenced by the environment, then that process of justification could be compromised and disrupted.
the week before this therapy session, had lots of anxiety about it, and wanting to cancel and stuffs. afterwards, the session left muis very vulnerable and hurt because of trying to process childhood trauma of abandonment from seemingly everyone.
hard to remember why therapy was so raw inducing... was something about social connections...remembering the lost friendships
when high anxiety, notice wei get visions of sorts, like flashing or something that goes on as wei remember traumas and responses. feel so helpless, knowing trauma is about to happen and unable to do anything. combating the violations in the past and the shame from feeling helpless, while also trying to account for the current situation. feels like i often have to be in 2 places at once, and when i come back to the present, im often confused and disoriented from the situation and forget what i was even doing, leading me to have to figure out what i was doing.
dikarya reminded me that theyre not anxiety visions, because the visions can also be pleasant. tried to explain it by saying that it's like seeing into a different time than now.
oh its like kinda a bit like daydreaming maybe? i want to understand more on how i act in the moments and how that confusion interacts with the state i get into
not feeling shame from painted nails. is nice to not be so worried about it
remember a lot I was forced to apologize to people for things that weren't ever explained to me. as in I didn't thi k I did anything wrong and had justifications for believing so but then being forced to apologize anyways.
kinda fucked me up into thinking I had to manage other people's emotions
from the fka song, lightbeamers.
'''
I'll tell you what you're gonna do for tonight
Make a list of the truth
Put down the things that make you, you
When you smile, dose you tongue come through?
When you cry, do you feel brand new?
Put yourself in the room
You're so beautiful, you are the perfect view
'''
part that really affected muis was the positive that can be seen in "after crying I feel brand new"
apr 5, 22
23:07
a pattern i see is... do something... see a negative response from others... either try to manage their emotions, or hide that aspect of myself... paradoxically this also leads to me lashing out at others at later times due to needing to feel secure because lashing out at others is a way to manage others emotions and to distance myself from others...
this is a maladaptive coping mechanism
23:14
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apr 2, 22
well, have sort of seen that zel is a buffer between what im able to do and what i want. im jae right now.
so like when a triggering thing happens, its kept in the zel layer and delayed to be processed. this shows up when i have sudden intense anxieties that break through.
its really hard to conceptualize that weire experiencing disassociation at times
like in the moment wei can recognize the fogginesss, the distance to the surroundings, and how things tend to vanish if wei're not paying attention to it
but the memory of it seems real?? or i mean continuous more like. like i seem to have this flow of time, but then i stop and look at this sequence, and time seems to cut? what was i doing? is this bad memory or ...
but could be zel passing along memories and changing them as they come to me. i remember having that conversation... but was it really me or zel? no i recognized that the conversation was steering towards something that was in violation of what i wanted. i remember noww. and zel pushed forward anyways. to make matters worse, we were called on it yet again, and wei double downed again......
this is difficult to think about, and i am feeling shame? i guess sadness that i wasnt able to do what i wanted. disappointment that i was unable to do something i wanted. also feeling angry that i was not heard.
zel is typing now - to say sorry. protecting kulupu. actions of past become actions of today. sad for hurting, want to make better. scared.
jae types: wei know healing is difficult and this is happening for all of muis. it's unfair for y& to take on this responsibility, and the hurt of the past is not the hurt of the present, so coping with the present with tools of the past can lead to dangerous situations.
zel - unsure if zel able to leave this location. will listen and do things in accordance with others wishes, even if confusing or seemingly wrong. will also toki e kalama mi.
afterposting this and reading it, noticed that zel was feeling vulnerable and scared during this and was still seeking to fix the situation. theres nothing to be fixed. we're doing it. recognizing it and just being ok. im ok, zel ok, just chillaxing and shit.
physically right now heart is racing, blood seems thick, body seems stiff. these are things that happen and will pass. panic setting in, and yet wei exist and breathe. ranndom thoughts pinging away as if they have something of value. see and let ggo. float on by.
have a picture of writing the thoughts down on a paper, and folding that paper into a paper boat,, and sending the boat off away away as i float float float.