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$ Tap.Interviews.III! $
- The Saga Continues! -
$ $
- $A New Beginning$ -
$ April 91st, 1987! $
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Hiho! the text file series to end all text file series, in scope, breadth, wit,
originality and great wisdom. IS BACK! Before I start, here's our ElIte Phreak
MC: Live Lord, to tell you about this latest and greatest installment. Hit it
Live!
{Any simularity between persons in the ElItE phreak/hacker and pirate domains,
is totally off base. By the by, NO this file wasn't converted from prodos to
dos, but we're sticking with the elite filename seperater "." anyway!}
LL: You know I wouldn't miss this for the world dude! I want to state for the
record that I DIDN'T write Tap.Interviews.II, that was a lie! Someone hacked
into all my accounts and uploaded it and I was under demonic possesion at the
time I wrote it and didn't know what I was doing and I'm not responsible for
anything that was in it and the people I ragged on really like me, we're best
friends now and they're cool and please just don't kill me ok? and.. {cut}
ME: Getting carried away are we LL? Let's stick to the agenda ok?
LL: Can I have my mom back now?
ME: No! Not yet, after you're all done maybe I'll swing something.
LL: Sigh, ok dude. As I was saying: It's not my fault! But whoever DID write
Tap.Interviews.II was a genius, compare it to the real, I mean original Tap.
Interviews. How many times does THAT make you laugh? huh? Not once by god! I
made a vast improvement, I mean whoever wrote it made a vast improvement over
the original. Didn't you laugh? I did! Chris did and you gotta respect anyone
who would fill up 2 sides of a disk with his opinions on everything right? I
sure do, in fact in the near future I hope to fill up more than two sides of
a disk with my opinions, maybe even 4 or more and.. {cut}
ME: Shall we get on with it?
LL: Fuck you, you're cramping my style.
{Live Lord's mom begins to scream as her hair is set on fire.}
LL: Ok goddamnit, fucking OK. Here is the slightly changed format that will
be used in Tap.Interviews.III. Since there will be so many people interviewed
I will be LL: {instead of the time honored ME:} and the person I'm talking to
will be their initials: {instead of the time honored AN:} After I get done
with the EliTe phreak/hacker interviews, Elven Magician will come on as MC for
the pirate interviews. There is also a special prize for the person who can
figure out who's writing Tap.Interviews this time! I'll give you 2 hint's! It's
not the real Infiltrater {just as well, Tap.Interviews.I wasn't funny!} and
it's not me! The prize will be a 3 week fun filled vacation to scenic Pigs
Knuckle Idaho, the town made ElItE and famous because Lord Analog said it's
name in Tap.Interviews.I {can you imagine? the ultra ElItE one himself saying
that? It gives me such a rush}. Which was the only funny thing in there. But
that's not all! Skip Avatar & Captain Rooney will be your tour guides and The
Shitman's mom will be your personal escort for the entire length of your stay!
Put some pancake makeup on her and she's as good as new! Who could ask for more
than this!??!?! Enough of this, on to the interviews!
First up is the elitest of the elite, that god cast into mortal form himself,
the {C}reator {see where his ego's at} of Ethereal Access, that preppie turned
mental patient, the greatest living arguement yet that AD&D does cause Satan
worship, anti-social behavior, total personality reversal and possible brain
damage, the dude who has surpassed eliteness and found a new state of mind
beyond it, the supre.... {cut by editor}: Lord Analog!
LL: {Struggling to keep from fainting from the excitement}. Shit! It's great to
meet you! My entire life is based upon yours, I think you're as elite as anyone
will ever get. Except, I gotta say I was very dissapointed when Ethereal Access
leaked out and ended up being real! What kind of a joke is a real program?
LA: la de da.... lalalalalala.... la de da.... Hear that? echo's from space are
flashing by as we speak. Woooooshhhhhh, wooooooooshhhhhhh. Can you hear the
Loons? wooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhh wooooooooooooooooo..... {cut}
LL: Yeah I hear them! great sounds, should tape it and it would replace Floyd
in a second. Let me just take this moment to tell you how great Ethereal Access
is and give you a compliment.
LA: Oh grow up, when I want your opinion I'll give it to you, not only that,
I'll have it tattooed to your forehead. Now shut up, you're disturbing the
wooooooosh woooooosh of interstellar space you idiot.
LL: Sorry, cheez, I'll never compliment you again, I was just impressed, the
manual, I meant softdox, that came with it were really nice too. Big, uh total
in their completeness, stupendessly large.... Reminded me of War and Peace.
LA: Being the well read, well versed, all around know it all of all things
that I am, I've heard of War and Peace. Some kind of short story wasn't it?
I remember reading it during a commerical one day.
LL: Uh........ right, you got it......... about 4,000 pages.
LA: Yeah, a short story. The 666.666.666 Ethereal Access docs come in at just
under 12 million pages, when I revise them they'll be available on cd.
LL: Sounds great, I must read them some decade when I'm stuck in the house with
nothing to do.
LA: They're written in a combination of Latin, Hindi, Chinese and German, with
a technical Russian translation available upon request. Did I mention the new
and improved Sanskrit fontset? No I don't think I did, let me tell you about
it. It......... {cut}
-- more --
LL: Sounds awesome. But world is waiting for your opinion of Skip Avatar. Come
on you can tell me!
LA: No I can't, you saw how I avoided the direct question about Minimal Element
when The Instigator asked me that in Tap.Interviews. If I don't want to answer
a question, it's my divine right to give you a 12,000 paragraph answer that
totally avoids the question! Like when I say something like "His life doesn't
have to meet with my approval" or "he knows many people who know what they're
doing, so if he knows how to do something or not, doesn't matter, because he
knows enough people who know what they're doing, when they're doing it, how to
do it and wax cars, chew gum, walk and do the hoola-hoop at the same time" I'm
practicing what I preach and lying in a very low key way.
LL: Can you translate that into one sentence?
LA: They both suck.
LL: Thank you, see that wasn't so bad! I only have one or two more questions to
ask.......
LA: Oh very well. What is it that you wanted?
LL: I wanted to know if you might consider making a user friendly version of
Ethereal Access that can be used without so many arcane commands and maybe a
little simpler to understand. And maybe put 5 minutes of work into translating
some of your source codes, or if you really don't care, telling someone to
give them all out, or even give them out yourself. The great guy, I meant
dipshit, who leaked it out, compiled it and the editor got lost along the way.
Some of the parts and docs are missing too. Will you do anything to help us
out?
LA: No
LL: No?
LA: Yeah, No. Any other questions?
LL: What exactly does the "[RL19XCQBLT0*^++--99E9946]" function in Sub-Sub-Sub-
Module-Template B9137A do? I don't get it.
LA: Pretty elementary actually. Let me give you a simple explanation of it, so
that even you can understand it: That function compares the current Dow Jones
average, squares it by the speed of light, divides that by the # of people who
died in Ethiopia today, subtracts that value from the tempeture in NY minus the
Tempeture in California, sqaured to the 4th power, wherin n*7-nl, whereas n=the
total circumphrence of the earth and nl=the annual rainfall in the outback and
puts the end result into the $ZZ(99) array for computations in the strobing
matrix. When the Matrix strobes to the red zone it means your toast is ready.
Got it?
LL: Um.....
LA: Told you it was pretty simple, any other questions?
LL: Um..... any new mods in mind for version 7.0?
LA: Sure! I have a few lined up ready to go. There's the new temporal hack
modification {note full spelling of modification, never, ever, abbreviate
modification to mod. Don't even think about it} that makes use of the flaws
I found in Einstein's theories, it's not bad, right now I have it where I
can finish hacking before I start. That's ok, but it needs some work. I also
plan to work on a user interface that will give you something to do while
the system is running, like a mini motion picture that is a graphic
representation of all the easy, moderate and complex actions taking place
during every nanosecond of use.
LL: Sounds amazing! What does it look like? Must take a lot of memory!
LA: Actually it takes very little memory, see theres the graphic representation
of the system being invaded, it's a little white bunny. Then there's the
graphic representation of Ethereal Access swooping down on the little white
bunny, it's a large, black, armor plated mass, with a set of jaws 3 light
years wide and saliva dripping down some really wicked looking fangs about
to eat the little bunny rabbit. It gets sort of old after seeing it 4 or 5
thousand times, so I add little effects like blood dripping and things like
that. You know, to make it more cheerfull looking.
LL: Oh.... sounds user friendly. I must admit I'm a little confused about a few
more things. Could you explain one more time, just how OCC dial theory works,
why did you invent it and what are the benefits? I don't get it.
LA: Well, see.. Let me draw an analogy for you. Let's say the OCC is this huge
9000 ton blue hedgehog named Arnold ok? Ethereal Access is represented by the
gaps between galaxies in conjunction with the rotation of the zodiac and the
bisecting meridians of the event horizon on a black hole. Now if the azimuth
can be eqaully divided by infinity, thereby.... {cut}
LL: I appreciate you taking the time to clear that up for me. Enough on the
Ethereal Access questions, now I want to ask you some questions about you!
LA: Say.... haven't I heard this before? Hey! what's that rectangular bulge
under your jacket huh? If it's a walkman I'm going to cut off your head and
feed it to the devil, he lives in my attic. I have this thing against people
carrying walkmans you know?
LL: No! No, nope, nope, never! I hate walkman's too, shitty things. Heh, ha,ha
ha,ha.... it's.... it's a paperback book! That's it, a paperback book! No
walkman for me, nope nope nope. That's what I wanted to ask you about a
little, what's this thing about unreality and um... how to say it.... well,
your fast approaching mental breakdown?
LA: Reality isn't real, nothing at all is real, the only things that are
really real are the real things you really believe to be real. So if Guido
the Knife says the voices made him do it, maybe they did! Just because you
can't hear the voices doesn't mean they aren't there.
LL: Do you hear the voices?
LA: Sure all the time! How do you think I come up with all this stuff? I just
stop making the effort to hold on to reality and let my mind roam. Where would
we be without the ability let our minds wander? Or is that a lyric? Anyway I'm
working on a even more modified Ethereal Access 7.0, called Astral Access 66.6,
with it you can do a direct batch hack of astral mainframes and have access
to everything that ever existed, will ever exist, or might ever exist, period.
It's in the planning stage right now, so I expect it'll be.... 5 or 6 hours
before I get the finished version all done an. {cut}
LL: But.... er...... th..
LA: .ee so when the plutorus humocus is in aligment with the death star and
sidereal timeline 94.brt is fluctuating at 23 kilocycles with the amperage set
to the nexus of sominus, it feeds the dog.
...............................................................................
We break now for a brief commerical to help pay the bills. This commerical has
nothing to do with anything else in this interview and shouldn't be taken to
mean that it does.
Hi! Peppy the Pusher here to tell you about a brand new miracle product! Are
you a little on the rotund side? Do your clothes come from Omar the tent maker?
face it, are you FAT?
Now there's hope! no more eating 10 pounds of cucumbers! no more sensible meal
plans! Eat all you want! anytime you want! yes that's right! all this and more,
all you have to do is add our miracle product to each meal! or take it during
snacks, instead of snacks, anytime at all!
What's the name of this miracle product you ask? {as well you should} Available
NOW! supplies are limited so order your shipment of BLOW today and watch those
unwanted pounds and unused brain cells slip away like magic!
Just look at what BLOW has done for the ultra elite Lord Analog! It's turned
him from a little on the chunky side, normal, everyday, preppie on the way
to being some kind of corporate exec, into the new and improved Lord Analog,
whose mind went out to lunch {heh heh get it?} one day and never came back!
Instead of using a butcher knife on steaks, you too will get the urge to
drive it through people's skulls! I sure as hell wouldn't want to be close
friends with him {or anywhere within 50 feet of him}, but he sure does look
good now doesn't he? Remember "It's better to look good, then to feel good"
brought to you as a joint effort of the better mental health clinic and Mort's
embalming service, to help retain that sleek and sexy look right into the
grave before the maggots eat you {and what's left of your brain!}
{Editor breaks in} Peppy, you said you weren't going to do this.
So I lied! buzz off! this is my ad space!
All this and MORE MORE MORE! Order NOW!!!!
BLOW is a product of Cocaine labratories, a wholly owned subsidiary of Crack
industries. "Crack - get a piece of the rock!"
Now back to you Don Pardo!
...............................................................................
{we continue with the interview all ready in progress}
LL: Sounds real good, but how can I run it if I don't have the hardware?
LA: Oh it's not too complex this time, all you need is a Cray6 with a MacIV
acting as a intelligent printer buffer, hooked to a apple //e acting as an
intelligent modem, hooked to a sun workstation, acting as a intelligent
tab aligment machine, hooked to a F-15 that's acting as a intelligent power
supply, hooked to a.... {cut}
LL: Silly me, I thought it would be complicated this time.
LA: No, I decided to keep is simple.
LL: How do you feel about the trend you started in Tap.Inverviews? Many people
have taken it as the bible of truth for the online domain. Everywhere you see
people quoting entire sentences out of it {like me for instance} and a almost
complete change in peoples attitudes to elite boards. How do you feel about
starting this?
LA: I don't care.
LL: You don't care?
LA: No.
LL: Anything else to say about that?
LA: No.
LL: What do you do to relax when you aren't........ aren't........ well aren't
doing whatever it is that you usually do?
LA: I like to take large amounts of acid and write weird poetry while thinking
about the implications of what would happen if inner space became outer space
and infinity was finite, while listening to Led Zeppelin and Doors albums.
LL: Uh yeah....... sounds very relaxing.
LA: It is.
LL: I was just wondering, when's the last time you wrote a complete sentence
that someone without a degree in English could understand, without looking up
words in a dictionary?
LA: Funny you should postulate such an occurance, I do beleive I wrote such a
sentence back in 1982, yes I recall it fondly myself, simple, to the point,
and people understood it. Can't have that now can we?
LL: No, I guess not.
LA: Well there you go.
LL: You're one of the elitest people to ever hit the modem domain, but you
aren't on any boards where anyone can reach you. What's the use of being elite
if none of your followers can find you? If they can't find you, they can't
kiss your ass, like me for example. I've been trying for years and when I got
so tired of never finding you, I just started impersonating you on a few boards
for laughs. What's wrong with you anyway?
LA: I think I'm insane, but don't hold it against me.
LL: You think?
LA: What?
LL: You think you're insane?
LA: Are you trying to imply something?
LL: Um.... dude....
LA: Because if you are, then you can be the next ritual sacrifice. I don't care
about anything, I can get out of any jail, I just disintegrate my atomic
structure and reintegrate it wherever I want to be, I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care about you or anyone else! Or is that a lyric again? and al ..{cut}
LL: No! I didn't say that, I meant that.... um.... th..
LA: I have Adolf's brain in a jar you know. He talks to me sometimes.
LL: Heh, he. hah ha.... uh.... that's cool. uh.... I think I should be going
now. It's........
LA: See I worked out this theorem about matter and light, for example let's
say you sqaure infinity and subdivide it by the total refraction of a purple
cow and then.... {cut}
LL: Heh hah, look at the time!
LA: So you see, this consitutes conclusive proof that I can dissapear at will,
the only problem is reapearing, but I think I can figure that out too. So when
you take a mutliple of rk2-b and apply it to the intronsic streams present in
the dna/rna coding, you dissapear! like this! {Poof}
LL: Ha, heh, ho.... good trick..........
LL: Hello?
LL: Heh, well how about that! Great interviews wasn't it? Heh, um.... ah....
Let's move onwards now.
Next up we have that hulking hunk of masculeinity, the "man" who isn't afraid
to tell people he's sensitive by wearing eye shadow, the first elite phreak /
hacker ever to wear eye liner and blusher, the future hardcore mega-star just
waiting to be discovered in the back alley's of some dead town in Ohio, the
only person who cried when he found out newsweek was almost bankrupt, that 5'4"
towering inferno of great info ....{cut again by the editor}: King Blutto!
LL: Heh, ha.... hey.... looking............ thin...... yeah very thin..... kind
of pale too, or is that makeup? {moving away from Blutto in case he has the
unspeakable disease}
KB: Are you trying to imply that I'm a heterosexual you brat, rodent, wimpgeek?
LL: Nooooo, nope, nononononono. I never said you were a heterosexual.
KB: Are you calling me gay? chickenshit! I'll drink your blood for that you you
you you {steam coming out of ears} you you rodent, geek, brat, wimp!
LL: Uh.... no. I never for a second thought you might be straight, I meant gay,
I'm sure you'll take the fashion world by storm someday. Nice hair.... blue
offsets your mascara nicely.
KB: Thanks for the compliment, I now declare you one of my subjects, so when I
open all my messages in exactly the same way on every system {Impersonators
start taking notes} like this "To all my subjects:" you can be a offical
subject of mine too!
LL: Always looking for an oppurtunity to kiss ass, thank you.
KB: Anytime, I'll even throw in some tickets to see our band play over at the
65 and over Bingo reception tuesday night. We're called King Blutto and the
Cathedral choir boys.
LL: I'm really in your debt now, but before I get in too deap, I'll have to
pass on those tickets, my Iranian diplomacy class meets that day.
KB: Are you trying to say I have no talent you rodent, leach, geek, wimp, brat,
chickenshit?
LL: Oh nooo! nope, nononononono. Uh huh, I'd love to see you and your band get
out there on the stage and........ and.... and do whatever it is that hardcore
bands do, throw up into the audience was it? no, don't tell me, let it be a
surprise! What I really wanted to ask was a couple of questions about you!
KB: Oh! that's different. Would you like a autographed autobiography? 8X20
glossy fit for framing? our latest demo cut of this song I wrote called "I
woke up one morning lying in a alley in a pool of slime", a King Blutto fan
club button? A signed copy of......{cut}
LL: Um.... I only wanted to talk to you about your elite board and elite
friends and elite wares and all around eliteness.
KB: Sure! I ran a elite board, it was the most secure board that was ever run,
Richard Sandza is a close personal friend of mine, don't rag on him or else you
will feel my wrath!
LL: What was so great about your board?
KB: I ran it.
LL: Um.... ok.... Oh yeah! I wanted to ask you about Bluttoware! I remember
your opening message used to say you were a elite pirate too. I can go for
that, I'm serious now, when I think of the pirate greats, the names that
come to my mind right away- King Blutto, Mr. Canon, Krac0ritz, Disk Rider,
yeah, in that order in fact.
KB: See? Told ya i was elite!
LL: Yeah, I can see how wrong I was thinking you were just another loudmouth
24 year old with the emotional development of a 10 year old kid. By god, you
are elite after all!
KB: I know.
LL: Well.. we have some of Lord Analog's accomplishment's, Lex Loother told us
everything he ever did in the last installment and I'll be talking to him next
anyway, so what.... um.... h...... th...... what have you ever accomplished, in
phreaking/hacking that is I mean. What did you do or write or invent or
contribute, or anything, um....
KB: I got a 2 word mention in newsweek
LL: Uh yeah, I know. So did a bunch of oth......
KB: But they were rodent, geek, wimp brats, I'm not!
LL: I can see where you're coming from. Anything else you've ever done?
KB: I Invented the Blutto box!
LL: But it's not real and it doesn't do anything an....
KB: That's what people said about Ethereal Access! See how wrong they were? I
have built a Blutto box, it's in my pocket right now, I can blow up the entire
phone system whenever I want!
LL: Think I could take a peek?
KB: Well.... ok! Look!
............
! !\.!
!.......!..!
! !
! Ti{ Ta{! !
! !
! Mints! !
!..........!
LL: Um, Blutto...... it looked like a box of tic tac's..
KB: Good disguise huh?
LL: Yeah.... you really think of everything. Anything else you've ever done?
KB: I discovered Qourom-P conferencing.
LL: But that was another joke, just like you and Dull Gillette telling everyone
that ROTL ports are really REMOB's and....
KB: You wimp, geek, brat, rodent, leach! Wasn't that funny?
LL: Um.... it was a riot, but what have you done that's of any worth, that's
real?
KB: Teletrial! The best idea ever invented and I thought of it myself!
LL: Yeah, amazing invention, the whole world took notice that time.
KB: I know.
LL: Uh yeah, I hear you're also very mad about the Molecule calling you a loser
in his Famous Losers of 1984 file, anything to say about that?
KB: That chickenshit, rodent, wimp, geek, I'll drink his blood for that! I hate
rodents who make loser lists. What a rodentish thing to do!
LL: Blutto........ didn't your board have one of the first online loser lists?
KB: What does that have to do with anything? Those were people I called losers!
Who the fuck does the Molecule think he is? Calling me a loser?
LL: But you did the same thing, in fact you're the first elite to ever spend
more time ragging on people than copying books into text files. You started an
entire trend, an..........{cut}
KB: Are you trying to say something rodent?
LL: Not really, just a thought.
KB: Good, why don't you shut up before I drink your blood!
LL: Ok, but what did you ever accomplish though?
KB: Didn't I just tell you rodent?
LL: Yeah I guess you did. We'll get back to this at some other time {or maybe
never if I can tactfully forget it}. Now what about these things Mr. Canon
said about you being a terrible programmer and the Goonif saying the same thing
in the National Enlightener's?
KB: I'm the best programmer ever you wimp, rodent, leach, lose, geek! How can
you say I'm not? Why look at what I've programmed! I changed the print's on
GBBS for Bluttoland and I made a arcade machine game with Prof Xavier in my
elite pirate days! Don't my accomplishments speak for themselves?
LL: Can't argue with it KB, they sure do. Anything to say about Bluttoland
being crashed, inited and uploaded all over?
KB: Fucking rumors spread by rodents! not true!
LL: Anything to say about the same thing happening to your current base BBS
Christ's Cathedral, being crashed, the entire confidential userfile and
software downloaded, packed and re-uploaded to every cat-fur around?
KB: That never happened, another rumor.
LL: Blutto, this happened in Sept of 86! this is not the far gone past that
you can rewrite to suit yourself and....
KB: You rodent wimp geek! dare to question me? I..
LL: Blutto, I have the software myself! I've seen it an....
KB: What does that have to do with anything you chickenshit geek? I'm telling
you it never happened, what are you going to believe the proof or me?
LL: Now that you've put it back into perpective for me, I'm sorry, I should
never have questioned you. Please forgive me my king.
KB: Much better rodent, bow and kneel.
LL: Thank you.
...............................................................................
We pause now for another commercial message!
Peppy the Pusher here again to remind you all that you don't have to be
overweight to enjoy BLOW! You can be right at your ideal weight and use BLOW
anyway! The emacipated look is in! 130, 120, even a 110 pounds are within your
reach! Add some make up and you'll look like a walking corpse too!
If you don't go for the sleek and sexy look, how about the almost dead look!
be a trend setter! don't let others dictate your style! almost dead is very
very in!
King Blutto also offers his endorsement for BLOW! with 2 mega elites using it
how can you go wrong!
Elite's use BLOW! If you want to be elite you should too!
Peppy the Pusher also endorses Coverguy eye shadow! For that strung out look
so popular with junkies!
...............................................................................
{back to the interview all ready in progress}
KB: Better watch it or I might drink your blood or tattoo celtic runes into
your forhead.
LL: Oh no! Not this again, didn't I just have one of these conversations?
KB: {drawing a pentagram and lighting candles}
LL: What is it with you people? Are you just pagan's or what's wrong with you
guys? Everywhere I turn you "elites" are doing or saying something that 18th
century housewives might have come up with. Does using MCI fry your brain
after x amount of phone calls or something?
KB: {humming, setting up skulls at the 5 points}
LL: Uh.... oh my, look at the time again, really must get going now. Thanks for
this interview, it's been.... h........ uh.. it's been great! yeah.... great!
KB: {something that looks suspicously like the graphic representation for
Ethereal Access eating bunnies, starts to materialize in the pentagram}
LL: {discretion being the better part of valor, your valiant MC starts to run}
Next up we have the human xerox machine: Lex Loother!
{editor's note: "Where's the intro"?}
{{I can't do one, he doesn't have a personality. He just types.}}
{Oh...... ok, go on}
LL: Before we start I'd like to know if you have any dark hidden secrets like
everyone else does, tell me the truth, does the devil live in your attic, or
do you talk to the moon or draw pentagrams? {Editor's note: Not wanting to
confuse our readers, Live Lord will continue as "LL" and Lex will be "L$"}
L$: No, no time, no time. I haven't left my room in 6 years, so many things
to type and so little time.
LL: I understand! Did you know that there are these new machines called
optical scanners that copy books directly into text files now?
L$: Wha.... oh.... no! you mean I'm obsolete?$$$$$$$$
LL: You could make the machine put a $$$-=} Lex Loother {=-$$$ at the
front and back of every page for you.
L$: $hey$! $t$h$a$t