💾 Archived View for singletona082.flounder.online › gemlog › 2021 › 2021-08-03.gmi captured on 2022-03-01 at 17:06:34. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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This is bringing up a personal matter in a way and place I essentially promised myself I would never do, as I feel normally it is too public. However all things, it seems, ends and promises seem to be made to be broken.
I lost a friend I had known and been in contact with since the mid 90's. We met because of a ronin warriors fan site that had a listing of anyone's self made abomination. As it turns out they and I had hit on the same theme (forests and woods and whatnot,) and that's.... well that's how it started. Just two fans being silly and stupid.
We hit it off pretty fast and as gundam wing started showing we both geeked outat the giant robots punching the crap out of eachother and we just sorta mutually bounced off of eachother as toonami's offerings continued rolling in. We wrote stories, had roleplay based in these worlds with original characters of varying qualities, and on and on.
I got invited to a community she was part of another fandom to an old late 80's cartoon, Captain N. Could have been any fandom but I give specifics beause we're both dorks and have/had fond memories of these things.
Life happened, we bounced about up and down high and low. She's been part of my life and a constant preasence online for twenty three years. I'd been there for her, she'd been there for me. She was one of the few people that tried to talk me down before I ended up a few states away and was there to talk to me when I next was allowed an internet connection. She's been skittish and shortsighted, self absorbed and silly.... but I felt like no matter how badly I had bungled or how rough my own social failings had gotten me banged up she was going to at least listen, even if she had nothing she could say to help.
Til now.
She is someone I had long hoped for as a romantic partner. Someone I could maybe have a life with. This in spite of both of us knowing and being well aware neither of us are relationship material or able to really offer anything to or for the other, as both of us ared isabled to the point the job market basically doesn't want us. Yet even though we both acknowledged the reality. Fool dream I suppose.
And... she'd acted interested, giving very clear very unambiguous signals on the matter of her interest. Yet there was this pit of my gut feeling something was off. Always some roadblock some excuse, some.. Something that was in the way. Words got said. And then she ended up telling me the whole thing was a lie intent on making me feel better.
Since then she's done everything possible, up to and including threatening police action on me, to avoid talking to me. Funny, I want to talk because I was lied to and wanted to talk and she acts like she's the victim.
This is someone I had in my life for twenty three years and she decided that's how she wanted to end it, by running rather than trying to mend fences. I don't know what I did that was that horrible, people that know the both of us are also confused because of how long we had been friends, and even if she is selfishly minded many times this goes above and beyond. No acknowledgment I ever existed, no discussion, Nothing.
I feel like a damned fool. Worse. How this played out all gives all the people out there going on at how aweful and horrible and terrible I am weight and somethign they can point to. Worse yet. I had carried through on what I had promised by contacting her mother given 'oh hey I acted interested because I was afraid of how you'd act' comes across like an abuse victim trying to save their own neck and I'm disgusted, horrified, and scared in turns over the sentement.
Only thing I can do is move forward. God it hurts.... Everyone, my family especially, would call me stupid. I never physically met the girl. She is frumpy and childish, and flighty and all sorts of other problems. Yet til now? Til this happened. She'd always been there, good or bad she was willing to at least try making me feel like I wasn't alone in the dark screaming into the wind.
Foolish as it is? My door is still open even now. Even after all that. I just want my friend back. I know she'll never be back. She already has branded me all manner of horrible thing, but I can't bring myself to shut that door completely. I promised I wouldn't let her go, not like how everyone else has. I'd do everything to be there and even with this, I made that promise knowing something like this might end up happening because of the kind of person she is.
This isn't 'I'm right she's a monster.' I have my own flaws and faults. I've made my own missteps. She's not the devil. While I'd like to mend things? Even if she immediately popped back up apology in hand and was willing to talk things over? I cannot trust her to not do this again, or to go to all her buddies about how aweful and terrible i am while being all smiles and sunshine to my face.
They say you can never go home even if you return to the house that was there. I can never have my friend back even if the woman she was wants to sit down and talk to me.
Cass, if you're reading this? I don't want an apology out of you. Not some false 'I don't want there to be anything but moving forward and ignore what happened,' no 'i'm trying to get out of trouble by saying words I don't believe.' No. I have a special needs sister that shrieks 'I'm Soooorrryyy!' literally immediately after doing something snotty, or backsassing, or throwing a temper tantrum and then immediately goes back to being horrible. If you apologize I want you to actually understand how bad you hurt me, and regret that you've done it, or else don't bother.
At this point I just want answers so I can trudge ahead. I'll always be there to listen, but it's going to take effort I don't think you're willing to put in for me to consider you someone I can call friend.
And for that, I am sorry. It just feels like both validation for every horrible thign said about me when someone i've known for most of my life would rather walk away than sit down to hash things out, and.... it makes me feel like this is what i can expect out of life; just being a damned ghost.
Edit: I'm not making any further posts about Cass. It's too much of a drama pit that threatens to overwrite and overwhelm anything else on this gemini capsule if I post more than this once on the matter, so situatonal updates will go here in this post safely tucked aside where it is unlikely anyone will see it.
Because of this mess I've quit warframe. Sold all my stuff in game, gifted random people a hard to farm frame, and managed to gift cass said frame to spare her the headach. Granted her response was, according to mutual friend, less than inspiring as she hised 'I have my own plat that i won i don't NEED help.' Setting aside the plat she won was less tha na third of the cost? No reaction to the fact I had thought enough of her and knew how draining that farm would be (K-Drive centric. UUGH) to want to spare her from it, along with the absolute non reaction to the fact I'm leaving a game I'd literally sunk over a hundred bucks in (tennogen, the occasional christmas plat purchase,) and thousands of hours on... just kinda says a lot. I don't know what terrible thing I did and I have been described as willfully ignorant of my own missteps so I can't go through thinking I did nothing wrong. Not when the lies were that deep and the cutoff that complete.
It baffles and hurts me. It's tempting to blame the community she's fallen in with as the community head is very unwilling to press or do anything other than 'lalalala everything's awesome yaaaaay' all while her live in sexual harassment lawsuit hits on anything female-presenting if he's on stream. To say nothing of the fact said streamer outright told me on stream 'we don't judge people by their actions.'
Yet i'm the one banned and blocked. Riiiiight....
I'm confused and feeling less well on the matter as time passes.
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