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I'm not very old.
I think it says on my about page that I'm in my 20s and while that is technically true it implies that I'm maybe 23-25. The reality is that as of writing this I'm only 20 years old.
The reason for this obfuscation is that I have a bit of a complex about my age. When I was younger it was a way for the older people in my life to invalidate my thoughts and feelings:
"You're not having migraines you're just a lying little brat."
"You don't have stomach problems you're just trying to skip class because you're a delinquent kid."
"You couldn't have finished all the readings yet, I haven't and I'm the teacher you're just a loud brat"
While none of of these are quotes, more like shadows of things people have said to me, I think my point is understood: my age has always been one of those things that has been used to hurt me. And so, like many traumatized children, I "grew up" I "matured" and I started to present in a way that made people think I was older then I was; More accurately I presented in a way that I thought made people think I was older then I was. This had a low success rate with the people in my life who actually paid attention and cared about me, as it was still painfully obvious that I was a deeply lost a traumatized young girl, but thankfully I didn't have too many people like that in my life so in that regard everything went great.
Now that I'm 20 my age is weaponized against me in a different way. It's flipped from "You can't know anything you're a child" to "You should know everything you're an adult" Even still I want to make it very clear that I would never go back. Being an adult does change the power dynamics through which interactions with other adults occur and that has allowed me to stand up for myself many a time I would have been previously unable. Additionally, it is easier then ever to make choices on my own outside of the control of the other adults in my life. However, there is still this toxic expectation in which I expected to have it all figured out.
As a trans person dealing with this expectation is especially difficult when your primary parent insists that you do not understand yourself, have no way of understanding yourself, and that your self concept is simply wrong while simultaneously expecting you to have perfect clarity in all other aspects of your life. All of this is compounded by the fact that my physical health has significantly declined due to mysteriously and only partially understood circumstances, the existence of the infinite mental burden that is the Covid-19 pandemic, a leave from University that lead to the conclusion that I need to continue my studies elsewhere, and of course crippling student loan debt.
These have all compounded in to the truly astronomical shitstorm that is presently rocking my life to the point of existential fracture. Books have provided me a shelter to hide in but as nice as that is it can't protect me from from the gale force winds of reality. Reading critical theory has helped me understand that the nightmare we are in is not a product of my mind seeing issues that aren't there or a unique feature of my life but in fact a representation of the vile effects of late stage capitalism and the special interests of the elite. Theory however can't free me from my struggle and the winds beat ever still at my door.
I wish there was an easy solution to this, to any of this, I wish I had the means to enact change both within my own life and without, but in the hyperalienation of the American suburbs I am trapped. Squirrelled away from others and from my own means self determination.
Sometimes I think about whether I can even continue forward but at least for now I have chosen to continue in hopes I may one day complete my subway of sanctuary and free myself from this hell.
I am struggling.
About Me and Points of Contact
Originally written on February 12th then archived and reposted after minor edits on February 14th. Original Title, "I am Struggling"