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              Radioactive Aardvark Dung E-Zine :: ISSN 1092-5449
                    Issue #14 % Released March 15th, 1997
    Without Prejudice and Explicit Reservation of All My Rights, UCC 1-207

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

        Mildly amusing.  Rather sassy.  Somewhat laughable.

        These are all words that come to mind when one thinks of Radioactive
 Aardvark Dung E-zine.

        Ladies and Gentlewomen, we've got one Hell of an issue for you this
 month, and we had a heck of a time putting it together.  Who says writing an
 e-zine isn't fun? (rhetorical)

        A few months ago Styx was saying to himself, "Self, you need to write
 for RAD."  And, by God, he did.  He's got a small (but funny!) piece this
 issue.  We also welcome John "Wildwood" Nelson to the club: believe it or
 not, he studied Shakespeare and Vonnegut before writing for us.

        So I'm going to end this introduction short & let you get on to
 reading them good stuffs inside.  Remember to visit our web site, or I'll
 get Wildwood to hurt you.

        http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/

        (Frames capable browser only.)

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Fireside Chat"
 Minister of Propaganda, Mercuri
 E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net

 Let me explain something to you, gentle reader.  It's not that we here at
 RAD don't get submissions -- we do, but the quality of the submissions is
 extremely poor, and that is no exaggeration.

 Deciding what is and is not funny isn't that easy, but it's not what I would
 call rocket science.

 If you have to make the plot so outlandish and fantastic that you have
 Cheeze Wiz, Spam, or Mentos coming out of someone's green buttcrack, it
 probably isn't funny and it definitely won't be accepted.  Here's an example
 of some typical submission I might get:

        Johnny was a nice neighborhood kid, but he had a problem, he liked
        to eat barbie doll heads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His sister, Shanequah,
        queen of the African Jungle, would tell his mother, the Hamburgler,
        about this and she would get mad at Johnny and tell him to go to bed
        without his dinner (2 cans of Spam, a bottle of Cheeze Wiz, and a
        roll of Mentos).

 Yeah, you laugh, but if you look at some of our failed submission issues
 this is exactly the kind of crap you read.  Very pathetic.

 So people, please, please, for the love of God, don't give us shitty
 submissions.  I'll reiterate this once again:

 NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

 * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones.
 * IRC Logs
 * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many
   coincidences.

 Submit quality.

 RAD was founded on one thing: to bring humor on to the Internet.  Sure, it
 exists on the Internet, but much of this is "computer-related" humor.  Yes,
 UNIX jokes are funny sometimes, but issue-of-the-day jokes are much better.

 People get enough seriousness and psycho-babble bullshit throughout the day.
 RAD is their chance to lower their standards, let their hair(s) down, and get
 stupid.  C'mon -- it's fun, everyone's doing it -- you're not chicken, are
 ya?

 What does this all mean for you, the writer? It means we don't and won't
 accept anything serious; all articles must be humorous.  Now we've had
 "serious" things before -- I'm usually serious about things that piss me
 off -- but I somehow make it funny, or at least I try.  If you're not sure
 what I mean, read through some issues and develop a feel for the e-zine.

 NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

 * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones.
 * IRC Logs
 * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many
   coincidences.

 NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

 * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones.
 * IRC Logs
 * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many
   coincidences.

 Now that you know what we expect of you, you're ready to send us your files.
 You'll need to send e-mail to jwapienn@pla-net.net and attach your plain
 ASCII text file to the message.  You can also put it as the body of the
 message; just make sure I get it.

 Give us a few days to look over it, and we will definitely get back to you
 regardless of the outcome.  Keep trying: writing skills, as well as all
 skills, are only developed well with practice.

 Don't worry about retarded grammar, paragraph positioning, or anything
 else -- we'll (I mean Phorce) do the editing!  [Ed. Note: But we wouldn't
 mind it if you *did* give your work a "once-over" either.]

 NO ARTICLES CONTAINING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

 * Communist/Socialist/Marxist undertones &/or overtones.
 * IRC Logs
 * Stories that try to be wacky by having a shitty, pointless, plot with many
   coincidences.

 Got that?

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Top Secret Haikus"
 Written By - John Wildwood Nelson
 E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net (subject: to wildwood)

        A collection of works from one of our generations most veered poets:

 Haikus
 ~~~~~~

 My friend has no legs
 I bought him a new skateboard
 Rides in the sunset

 A large man hit me
 He urinated on me
 He took my wallet

 Go to the circus
 Bearded lady is in heat
 We all float down here

 I made a pillow
 From an elephants scrotum
 Oh, bristly pubes

 Crawl inside a butt
 It is nice and warm in there
 But don't light a match

 My name is beaver
 I have only one finger
 Put it in your mouth

 Can you see my mouse
 He lives in my coat pocket
 He will bite you hard

 Yack mother gives birth
 Grunting and straining noises
 Miracle of life

 My dog is skinny
 She likes to eat rocks and sticks
 You can see her bones

 Evil janitors
 They come from Sweden and Spain
 Watch out for their keys

 I'm drunk on Drain-O
 I puked up my intestines
 They were green and blue


 Tankas
 ~~~~~~

 Lightning strikes my head
 Discharges out of my foot
 My toe is puffy
 My right eyeball just popped out
 All of my flesh is charred off

 I think Iran sucks
 In Iran they eat gerbils
 I don't like Iran
 Everyone smells like camels
 Iranians don't have teeth

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Big Bong Theory"
 Master of The Bong, Styx
 E-mail: styx@dto.net

     ok so likje first ggod was like "oky i wuill smoke this phhat bluntyt nd
 see whatg heppens rite?? so he did but hee did not lijke it......

     thebn god wasd lijke oke" i will tajke some hitazz from thids bowl buyt
 he did nit like it..........

     then god wass luijke"well ok then i wuill try this prity puprple bobng
 and hsee what hgappensed" and thgen god got reel high abd he sadd "thsi is
 goiod" ande made allk the spikcss and niggerezz

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "RAD Trivia"
 Honkey Tonk Handle
 E-mail: handle@pla-net.net

        In this article I put together some mock trivia questions meant to
 fool the reader (you) into thinking it's an actual contest.  Two of the
 clues insinuating that this game of trivia isn't real include: that I've
 included no answers to the questions, and, frankly, some of them get a little
 wacky.  Could these insane questions possibly be part of a real game of
 trivia?  Why don't you check them out and decide for yourself?

 Question 1:

 Where do they get all those wonderful toys?

 a) Toys R Us
 b) Kay Bee Toys
 c) K-Mart
 d) Sears

 Question 2:

 How many times a day does Phorce spank his monkey?

 a) None, Phorce doesn't own a monkey
 b) He can't do it everyday because it would be necessary to go to the zoo.
 c) Never.  Spanking a monkey would be cruelty to animals, and therefore
    would be against the law.
 d) Twice.

 Question 3:

 What does TMM say everytime he sends death threats to he president?

 a) Nothing, if TMM were to threaten the life of the president he would be
    promptly arrested by the secret service because this is not permitted by
    the laws of United States of America.
 b) Hello.  (Though this may not be threatening, I once again must remind you
    that threatening the life of the president is against the law and not
    condoned by us here at RAD.)
 c) I'm going to kill you.
 d) Die.

 [Legal note: Choices B and C are not valid answers for question 3.  That
 would suggest that TMM has threatened the president in the past, and he would
 promptly be put under investigation by the US government.  Please do not
 threaten the president because of this question.  We absolutely do _not_
 condone threatening the president's person in any way, and if you do this we
 at RAD will not be held responsible for your actions.]

 Question 4:

 What member of the RAD High Society enjoys practicing the "walk like an
 Egyptian" dance in their spare time?

 a) TMM
 b) Mercuri
 C) Phorce
 d) None.  There is no historic proof that Egyptian men and women would
    engage in walking in the manner described in this dance, therefore, we
    here at RAD would feel wrong contributing to a stereotype against the
    ancient Egyptian people and their culture.

 Question 5:

 What RAD writer has frequently enjoyed having sex with his sister?

 a) It was insinuated in past issues of RAD that Handle enjoyed to engage in
    copulation with his sister, but upon review he and the rest of the RAD
    staff have deemed this act immoral and they would not like to be
    associated with this practice any longer.
 b) Phorce
 c) Mercuri
 d) TMM

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 RAD's word of the issue!

 Botulism: (boch-yoo-lizm) adj.  A poor outlook on a situation.
 Example: John was being a botulist about the whole ordeal.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Dear Merc,"
 The Sultan of Shasta(tm), Mercuri
 E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net

        This is a note I received from my cat.  It should explain itself.

 [-----]

 I have taken this crap all my life and I simply refuse to put up with it
 any longer.  This is a list of my complaints and demands.

 Just because I walk past you doesn't mean I want to be picked up and held.

 Do you know how frightening it is to be walking around trying to get
 somewhere and a pair of giant paws come and sweep you off the ground and
 flip you onto your back and hold you there until they get sick of you?

 Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you can throw me around at
 your liesure.   I believe it was the great cat philosopher Mittens who once
 said, "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."

 About this cat food I've been eating for the past seven years: I've been
 noticing my breath getting worse and worse, and yet there is nothing I can
 do about it.  Please look into this.

 One thing that I have never found particularly amusing is when I get a piece
 of feces stuck to my fur and I don't notice.  Sometimes I'll walk around
 for hours trying to get away from that "litterbox odor," but to no avail.
 You find this funny, but I don't.  I demand that you keep my ass shaven to
 avoid further embarassment on my part.

 Now I come to the topic of lodging.  Each night I am locked up in the
 basement.  Do you realize how cold it gets down there during the winter at
 night?  Judging from the frost on my whiskers (which are finally growing
 back), I would say at least 28 degrees (Fahrenheit, for our foreign readers).
 I would appreciate a space heater or some thick blankets, especially if my
 ass is kept shaven.  I will freeze.

 Water.  My water receptacle has fur in it.  This is understandable because
 I am covered in fur, but please do your best to keep this clean, as I am not
 that picky.

 I realize that if you scratch in a certain spot behind my right ear it hits
 a nerve and makes my right foot thump sporadically.  Please do not exploit
 this any longer for personal entertainment as it is not funny to the victim.

 Grooming.  Licking daily may be enough for some cats, but not for us long
 hairs.  Although I do enjoy licking myself and covering myself with the
 smell of my breath (sarcasm), I'd like to be brushed at least biweekly to
 keep from getting knots, as I have experienced these past six years. They're
 rather uncomfortable, and it feels like I'm wearing chain mail.

 Just because my tail is up in the air doesn't mean it may be used as a
 handle.

 I'd like to stop being referred to as a "pussy" cat, as I understand this
 has more than one negative connotation in your society and culture.

 I think that if all of my demands are carried out I will live a much longer,
 healthier, happier life.

 To summarize, if I had opposable thumbs I'd kick your ass.

 P.S.  I'm sorry if I sound a bit pissy right now.  As I am writing this, I am
 very mad.  Please don't take me to the animal shelter or drop me off in the
 woods.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Little America"
 Mongel of the Mysterious, Mercuri
 E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net

 In big cities you'll usually find small ethnic neighborhoods that become
 quite a tourist attraction.  In Chicago you have your Chinatown, your
 Little Italy, etc, etc.

 So here's the problem: in China, do they have a UnitedStatestown?  What
 about in Italy, do they have a Little United States?  If they do, what the
 fuck does it look like?  Does that little United States also have an even
 smaller Chinatown?

 These are all important questions that have not been raised before.  I feel
 that if we all work together to solve my problems, the world will be a
 better a place.  So how 'bout it?  Foreign readers, what gives?

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Dear Handle"
 Whore Hankering Handle
 E-mail: handle@pla-net.net

        Well, well, well.  A couple of weeks ago, the "Dear Handle" section
 went up on the RAD webpage, giving all of you troubled souls an outlet for
 your problems.  I must say that the turn-out was most excellent, even though
 at least 90% of the letters were about masturbating.  Well, without further
 ado, here are the letters that weren't bad enough to not get accepted.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        I love you.

 From, Phorce

        Well, frankly, this is the most disturbing letter that I recieved
 (not to say that the others weren't disturbing), so I guess I'll get it out
 of the way first.  Phorce, first off, hi.  Second, I think that you're a
 really swell guy and all, and to tell you the truth I am very strongly
 attracted to you and have had woken in many a sweats because of dreams about
 you.  But I feel that in order to keep our relationship professional we need
 to keep our feelings buried.  Please do not bring this up again.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        Plead as i might, Mercuri will not change my email address on the Rad
 homepage.  Gr, none of my fans will be able to contact me!@#@##

 From, Intrepid

        The only reason that I decided to put this letter in is the hilarious
 notion that Intrepid has fans.  Funny, no?

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        I find when all my (male) friends strip nekkid to dress up in tight
 leather, put lipstick on, and paint their fingernails, I feel a little shy
 and unwilling.  What should I do?

 From, One Eared Bunny

        Come on -- loosen up.  Who cares if your friends like to get a little
 risque every once in a while?  We here at Rad make sure to get together and
 play dress-up at least once a month.  We find it eases tension.  Well,
 everyone except for Mercuri, who usually pouts in the corner because he feels
 our time could be better spent taking over a third world country.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        Last month I turned 12.  Since I turned twelve, my voice has begun
 cracking, my genitalia has hair, and I have been developing sexual urges for
 my fish.  Now, can you tell me how one would go about inserting one's penis
 into a fish?

 From, Pubescent in Prague

        You've got hair ON YOUR GENITALS???!!!!?!!!?!!

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        I am a sixteen year old female.  For some reason, I have larger
 breasts than most girls my age.  Handle, what can I do?

 From, Splung-Bucket

        So, you've got a problem with large breasts, huh?  Well, at this
 point, I couldn't, in good conscience, give you an answer.  But if you'd be
 so kind as to come visit Bigdaddy Handle and let me get some hands-on
 examination, I think I could tell you what your problem is.  How's that
 sound, sweetcheeks?

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        Uncle Cleatus keep touchin me where he ain't s'posed to.  My friend
 told me to write you because she said only your daddy can touch you there,
 and maybe your brother.

 From, Violated in Vicksburg

        Well, Violated, your friend was mistaken.  I'm sure what she meant to
 say is that only your daddy, your brother, and Handle can fondle your
 genitalia.  So how about it?  (wink wink)
       
 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        Is there a God?

 From, Unholy in Uzbekistan

        Ah, my little unholy.  What you have asked is certainly a valid
 question and should be handled with the utmost respect.  In answer to your
 question: no, there isn't a God.  I did meet some quack once who claimed he
 was God just because he created the universe though.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        My foot is asleep.  Send help.

 From, Sleeping in Seattle

        Sinner.  There will be no wit in Rad!  Banish him!

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,
        
        HELLO I AM A 19 YR OLD I LIVE IN PENCIL VANIA I DO NOT HAVE ANY PETS
 OR WELL XEPT AN IGUANA BUT ALLL HE DOES IS SHIT AND PEE ON HISSELF SO I HAVE
 FIND OTHERS THINGS TO DO BUT IT IS HARD WELL ONE DAY A FEW DAYS AGO I
 DISIDED TO FIND SOMETHING OTHER THAN TO LOOKS AT MY IGUANA TO DO SO WHATS I
 DID WAS WHAT I DID WAS I NOW PROGRAM MY VCR TO RECORD THES PORN CHANNELZS I
 GOT FOR CABLE THATM YDAD DOES NOT NO ABOUT AND THEN WHAT SI DO IS I PUT THEM
 IN EVERY PERSONS MAILBOX IN THE ROAD IT THAT I LIVE ON SOT HAT THEY GET TO
 WATCHH THE PRON AND ANOTHERETTHING THAT I DO SOMETINES IS WHEN ONLY NO 1 IS
 HONME WHAT I DO IS I DRINJK ALL OFT HE SODA AND OK??????  THE ONLYY REASON I
 AM AKSING YOU WHAT IS THE PROBLIM IS ONLY BECUZ NBODY EVER WANTS TO HANG OUT
 WIHT ME LIKE I CALL THEM AND SAY WHATS UP??? BUT THEY R KIND OF RUDE NAD
 HANG UP AND ALSO I HAVVE NO ARMS

        CAN U HELP????

 From, STYX

        I'm sorry, but that's just too hilarious to respond to.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        I have sex all the time.  At least 5 times a day.  My left hand is
 getting really tired, and i don't know if I can keep this up.  But i need
 sex!  What should I do?

 From, Dioxide

        One of the many questions about masturbation that I recieved.  It's
 also the only one that I decided to leave in, just so you would see the crap
 that I have to put up with.  In response, do what every other normal
American
 male does and use your right.

 [-----]

 Dear Handle,

        These Malaysians won't leave me alone.  They keep touching me and
 they are very gross people.  Make them stop.

 From, Mercuri in Malaysia

        Malaysians, huh?  Do you remember what happened last summer when you
 were in the swimming pool yelling, "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!"?  What did
 your mother tell you?  That's right, she said that nobody loved you and that
 she should never have given birth to you, and that anytime you were in
 trouble just keep your fool mouth shut because nobody will give a damn.  How
 did you ever get out of that fishnet anyway?

 [-----]

        Well it looks like that's it for the letters that weren't so stupid
 they made me want to kill myself.  God, you people must have low IQ's.  How
 can you find your way out of the house if you're so stupid?

        Oh yeah! If you want to see your problem in the next issue of RAD go
 ahead and visit: http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/dear.html and
 fill out the online form.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "The Dream Dictionary"
 Psychoanalytic Mercuri
 E-mail: jwapienn@pla-net.net

 Dreams are oft times very complex and hard to interpret.  This is a chart
 I constructed to help you understand these things.  I'm qualified to inform
 you on this subject because I, too, have dreams, but unlike you, I write an
 e-zine.

 [-----]

 Do your dreams contain images of the ocean or beaches?

 These is commonly associated with inner peace and times of great
 understanding.  However, this could not be farther from the truth.  In
 actuality, it means that you are a homosexual and have HIV.

 In your dreams, do you harm family members & close friends?

 This is usually associated with some sort of feeling of hatred or resentment
 to the person.  This may be an unfinished argument, or something that
 happened years ago that the subconscious is just now coming to terms with.
 Whatever the scenario, this dream means that you are a homosexual and will
 test positive for the AIDS virus when you choose to be tested.

 Do your dreams contain strong sexual content?

 Some would say your subconscious is expressing hidden desires or repressed
 sexual feelings.  These is perfectly normal, it is believed that our
 primitive ancestors had the same thoughts about this subject as we do
 today, thousands of years later.  However, this sort of dream means that you
 are a black man.  If this dream contains members of the same sex, it means
 that you are a homosexual black man infected with the AIDS virus.  I'm sorry
 I was the one who had to break it to you.

 Do your dreams contain fantastic things such as talking animals or dragons?

 The second thing I would associate this with would be that your inner child
 is trying to come out and play.  Of course, if this has negative connotations,
 such as mean dragons or mean animals, of course the dream is bad and you're
 subconscious is letting off steam.  The above "inner child" explanation
 would be a nice alternative to the truth, however.  Because the truth is that
 this type of dream means that you are completely homosexual and you're in
 the third stage of AIDS.

 Do you fall endlessly in your dreams only to wake up when you're about to hit
 the bottom?

 This might mean such things as unfinished business in your life.  Sometimes
 this sort of dream comes after a relative or friend has died and you either
 wish you could have gotten to know him better, or say something to him, or
 just tell him you love him.  But those associations are false.  This dream
 means that you are a faggot, plain and simple.

 Are you being chased in your dreams?

 This could mean the you are running away from something you ran away from
 in real life, but now regret running from.  Sometimes this means that you
 are running in a vain attempt to run away from yourself because you are
 not pleased with the way you are acting or thinking.  However, in reality
 this simply means that you are a flaming homosexual that would just as soon
 shoot himself than look at a woman.

 Have you been shot or hurt in your dreams?

 God, you're such a faggot.

 [-----]

 I hope this has helped you come to terms with yourself and increased your
 understanding of the way the subconscious effects our daily lives.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "High School is Retarded III: Where do they get these people?"
 Scribed by Handle
 E-mail: handle@pla-net.net

        Year after year, the one constant in my public school career is the
 eclectic selection of psycopaths the government deems worthy to give me my
 education.  If it's not a diehard Christian Science teacher, then it's a
 drunken gym coach who enjoys slamming students against blunt objects.

        It's amazing how low a person's credentials have to be to get a
 teaching job.

        "Can you droll on pointlessly for hours?"

        "After speaking for over three minutes, do you find that people
 completely ignore you?"

        "You do!  That's great!  I know, why don't we make it a law that our
 nation's youth have to sit in a little room with thirty other people and
 listen to you?"

        But really it's not the teachers' fault that they're so utterly stupid.
 They're just the same as everybody else, trying to make a buck.  Do you
 think that maybe we could raise teacher's wages just a bit to attract people
 who actually have the skills necessary to teach?  Of course that's not
 possible!  If we start raising teacher's wages, the standard of living might
 drop for people who really deserve to be making millions of dollars, like
 celebrities and athletes.  If there's anybody who deserves to be rich, it's
 definetly them.

        I don't think that asking for capable teachers in our school system
 is too much.  If they're going to force us to go there, they could at least
 give us quality resources with which to learn.  Call me crazy, but in my
 opinion, force-feeding somebody trivial facts and making them memorize them
 isn't a quality form of education.  Here's a thought, why don't you come up
 with a school system that lets the people who want to learn be educated
 instead of forcing them to be pulled through the trail of shit left from the
 morons who came before them?  It shouldn't be illegal to not attend school,
 and it sure as Hell shouldn't be possible for someone who doesn't attend to
 pass.  There we go, now that's an idea!  And how about bringing in some
 _normal_ people who actually have something relevant to say to be teachers?
 Now, I've never known somebody who was a teacher personally, so I might need
 some help here.  Do people who teach lose their grip on reality after they
 start their careers, or does the chance of teaching attract people who are
 already crazy?

        How about we run down a list of some of the geniuses that have
 contributed to my education throughout the years?

        * There was the music teacher who deluded herself into thinking
          she knew German and who always wore see-through shirts.
        * There was the sexist librarian who thought males were evil,
          and after that, there was the shrew librarian who drew on her
          eyebrows.
        * There was the hillbilly elementary school teacher who was
          barefoot and pregnant the whole year.
        * There was a 300 pound lesbian Home Economics teacher (and yes,
          we were _required_ to take Home Economics).
        * There was the she-bitch Algebra teacher who alternated the
          same three sweaters day after day without fault.
            [Merc's note: Handle is exaggerating here: she did wear one
            other thing, an Indiana University sweatshirt.  (However, this
            was only on one day of the entire 180 days.)]
        * Who can forget the crazy old science teacher who preached
          the word of God more than he did science?  (Once he also made
          the comment that it was 1993 when, in fact, it was 1995.)
        * Then there was the gym coach who slept with students in the
          past and ran over an old lady two years ago and has now gone
          insane.
        * Then there's the wrestling/football/BST coach who reportedly bit
          off someones ear in a barfight.  (I do not doubt the authenticity
          of this rumor at all.)
        * How about the nymphomaniac Spanish teacher who talked about sex
          every day?
        * How about the Spanish teacher who gets down on her knees everynight
          and prays for God to change the fact that she's American?
        * I seem to remember a certain math teacher who had a 'fro and
          looked like Alvin from the chipmunks.
        * There's the Biology teacher who is a clone of Mr. Burns from The
          Simpsons.
        * There's my study hall teacher, who gives the appearance of
          someone suffering from a severe case of leprosy.
        * There's my Creative Writing teacher, who tries her damndest to
          be "hip."  (She goes as far as to completely deny the fact that
          she's a member of the school's faculty.)
        * Who can make a list without including the English teacher who
          looks as if she's 12, or
        * the science teacher who is a former Playmate?  (You may not
          believe this, but it has been verified)
        * I remember a substitute teacher who kissed a guy in the middle
          of class.  (That was sort of weird.)
        * There's the Business teacher who very closely resembles that
          cool uncle that used to sneak you beer.
        * There's the burnt-out hippy Health teacher who is 300 pounds and
          always rants about how she hates lazy people who don't excercise.
          (She gives the best acting performance I've ever seen when she
          pretends not to notice the irony in this.)

        The list goes on and on here, people.  I swear that I did _not_ make
 up a single one of these seemingly fictitional characters.  Don't get me
 wrong, the poor quality of teachers is a huge problem that the young people
 of America are facing.  But before we do anything, can we please start school
 at least after 9 o'clock?  Could you at least do that for me?

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 Here are some cool Latin phrases you can say that will make you sound
 intelligent and add depth to your conversation.

        Et Cetera: "And so on."
        Vice Versa: "The other way around."
        Bada Boom, Bada Bing: "And there you have it."

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Handle Gets Arrested"
 Written By - Handle
 E-mail: handle@pla-net.net

        Hello.  I just got arrested.  Would you like to know what I was
 arrested for?  I was arrested because I'm a fucking idiot.  That's what I
 was arrested for.  Seriously, that's what I think they charged me with.  I'm
 sure this setup has left you all on the edges of your stupid measly seats
 for a story, so I'll grant it to you.

        First off, let me do a little setting-up of the situation for you.
 Every day, me and the people who live in my subdivision walk home together.
 Now this all started about a year ago, when we discovered that an annoying
 mutt would bark at the top of his lungs nonstop everytime we walked past.
 Now this wouldn't have been too annoying if the thing wasn't inches away
 from us sticking his mouth through the fence as he was doing it.  Well, a
 couple of weeks passed, and each day the dog would bark loudly when we went
 by.  Then, finally, one day we had a revelation.  "Let's throw rocks at the
 dog when it barks!" we thought to ourselves.  Now, I know what you're
 thinking in your feeble little minds right now: "I can't see anyone over the
 age of 11 throwing rocks at a dog."  Well, how wrong would you be.  This dog
 was fucking annoying.  So, for weeks, we threw rocks at this dog, until one
 day something happened ...

        A crappy yellow car pulled up beside us and inside was the dirtiest
 hick I had seen in my life.  He got out and persued to have an intelligent
 conversation with us that went something like this:

        "If I ever see another one of you throw something at my dog ever
 again, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you.  I don't care how young
 you are."

        Yep, that was it.  Some conversation, huh?  Well, needless to say,
 this huge inbred hick got his point across: we didn't throw rocks at the dog
 for the rest of the year -- we waited for winter to come around so we could
 throw snowballs.  And man, did we throw snowballs; we threw snowballs of
 every shape and size.  Sometimes the man's wife would stick her head out the
 door and yell something like, "You little fuckers!" or "I saw that you little
 bastards!"  Well, being the hot-blooded teenagers that we were, we had to
 yell obsenities back at her -- what else could we do?

        This year rolled around, and still the dog barked at us everyday.
 Still we threw snowballs at it whenever we had the chance.  Sometimes the
 lady would stick her head out the window and yell something about calling
 the cops, but we never listened to her.  Why should we have?

        Then last Friday rolls around.  There's a cop sitting at the end of
 the street waiting for us.  "I wonder if the cop got out and questioned
 them," you might be asking yourself -- well, no.  He didn't.  I, for one, am
 way too smart to have it go down like that.  We simply pretended like we
 weren't going to go past her house and we kept walking like we had somewhere
 we had to be.  Well, then the fat hillbilly lady runs out into her front yard
 wearing a robe and yelling to the cops and pointing to us.  The cop then
 pulled up next to us in his car and beckoned us over.

        The cop told us that he'd had a complaint about us disrupting the
 neighborhood while we were walking home from one of the street's residences.
 To this day I have no idea who could have filed that complaint; but, anyway,
 as I was saying: the cop just told us that he'd better not have any more
 complaints, and he warned the two guys I was walking wih that if he saw them
 smoking on school grounds again, he would tell the principal.  (This
 constitutes getting in-school suspensions.)  Well, we played it cool and
 called him "sir," that whole thing, so he let us go.

        Well today we were walking home, and, of course, the people I'm with
 were smoking again.  Being the eagle-eyed youths that we are, we saw a cop a
 couple of streets over about to pull on the street that would take him
 parallel to us.  Well, we hurried up and ran off school property so he didn't
 see us and turn us in to the principal.  Well, we got off of school property
 and everything was fine; then, instantly, another cop pulled up in front of
 us out of nowhere.  I see you furrowing your brow back there, saying, "What
 is this all about?  They didn't throw anything else at the dog."  Well, no we
 didn't, that's not what they were coming after us for.  "Well, then why have
 all that backstory about the dog then?"  Well, silly, to get my point across
 that the cops weren't too happy with us already.  You'll see where this is
 leading in a minute.

        So the cop that appeared from out of nowhere calls us over to the car
 and asks us if we were smoking.  I said that I wasn't, and that he could
 search me if he wanted.  The conversation went like this from there on.

 Cop:      I don't like being lied to.

 Friend 1: Well, me and him were smoking (gesturing to friend 2).

 Cop:      Do you have any cigarettes on you?

 (Friend 1 and Friend 2 hand over their cigarrettes; this has happened to us
 a million times before)

 Cop:      Why'd you guys run from a police officer?

 Friend 2: We didn't think he saw us.

 Cop:      Well, then why'd you run?

 Me:       We didn't want him to see us.

 Cop:      Did you know it's against the law to run from a police officer?

 Me:       Well, yes, obviously, but we weren't really running FROM him.

 Cop:      Looked that way to me.

 Me:       Well, it's not like he flagged us down and told us to stop.

 Cop:      Put your names and phone numbers down on this piece of paper.

 (Now, as I said before, this has happened to us a million times before, so
 why the Hell would we give him our real information?  We proceeded to write
 down fake names and telephone numbers.)

 At this point, another cop car came pulling up.

 He goes over and talks to other officer.

 At this point, *two* more cop cars pulls up.  They join the conversation. As
 you can probably guess, we were wondering "What the fuck?"

 Then, finally, one last car comes pulling up and the cop comes back over to
 us.

 Cop:       We're going to have to take you down to the station.

 In Unison: WHAHHHHHHHHHHH?????????

 Friend 1:  Um, officer.  You're probably going to want to give us that
            notepad back so we can put the right information down.

 Cop:       You didn't put the right info down?  (condescending)

 Friend 2:  No.

 Cop:       So you're lying to me now, too.

 Friend 1:  We're sorry, sir, I don't want to get in any more trouble.

 Cop:       Get in the car.

 Me:        Do i have to go, too?  I wasn't even smoking.

 Other Cop: You want to go down in cuffs?  You'd better quit with the
            attitude.

 Okay, let's take a break now so I can point some things out.  There are now
 five police officers on the scene because of two underage smokers.  Does
 this seem a little pathetic to any of you?  Shouldn't they have better
 things to do?  Of course not -- ahh, to be a cop.  So now we get into the car
 and begin the ride to the police station.  Over the radio we here another
 cop say he's going to search where we were for any contraband.  This prompts
 the cop to volley a few more questions at our way.

 Cop:      You guys weren't smoking anything illegal over there were you?

 Friend 1: No sir.

 Cop:      Do any of you guys have anything on you?

 Me:       Nope.

 Cop:      If you do, you'd better tell me now, and I do search my backseat.

 Friend 2: No, we don't.

 Cop:      Okay.

        So then we pull up to the police station and go through the door into
 their little room that they take people into.  He tells us to have a seat,
 so I sit in one of those office chairs with the wheels on the bottom.  Well,
 it turns out something on mine must have been broken because my head was
 pointing forward at a 45 degree angle and my hip bone was digging up into my
 stomach.  It was not a comfortable position, but I didn't dare ask the cop
 if he wanted to trade seats.  When we sat down, he called our school and got
 the assistant principal to come over.  YIPPEE!!

        The cop then looked in my friends cigarette packs, and said:

 Cop:      Why are these turned upside down like that?  I see that a lot.

 Friends:  Luck.

 Me:       Well, I can see that it works.

 Cop:      Haha that was a good one.

        Now other cops come in, and they start looking at us.  They're all
 giggling at us and saying things like, "I can't believe you guys, you're so
 stupid."  Then the cop that arrested us asked for our real names and numbers
 and asks my friends a question.

 Cop:      Where do you get your cigarettes?

 Friend 1: E-Z-GO.

 Cop:      And you?

 Friend 2: Same place.

 Cop:      And he never cards you guys?

 Friend 1: Nope, he just says to put it in your pockets.

        Then the cop turns to one of his cop friends and says...

 Cop:      I'm thinking that instead of arresting these guys, we have them go
           over to E-Z-GO and buy some cigarrettes.

 Cop 2:    Sounds good, we better wait 'til there principal gets here.

        Then the principal came in and took our names down and wrote that my
 friends were smoking on school property.  That being done he leaves.

 Cop:    Well guys, get lost.

 Me:     We can go?

 Cop:    Yep, go straight home, though, and be sure to tell your parents
         because we're going to be calling them and asking about this E-Z-GO
         thing.

        Taking that in, we leave.  I never knew that being arrested could be a
 good thing.  I got to hang around with these guys who have the awesomest job,
 and I got to get pushed around a bit like all the people in cop movies.
 Plus I might get to participate in a sting operation: this will be so
 awesome.  Plus, what will be even cooler is if they take the fake name I gave
 the cop and use it as an A.K.A. on my record.  I could have my own A.K.A.!
 This is going to be so awesome.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Phorce's Editorial Corner"
 By Phorce, Editor
 E-mail: phorce@openix.com

        This month, I think I'll talk about my ability to work with
 deadlines.

        Oops, no time.  I gotta get this off to Mercuri before he tries to
 annex New Jersey in an attempt to get my edited copy of RAD #14.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 Personally, I can hardly wait for Independence Day 2.  I heard this time the
 aliens are going to be unstoppable.

 Maybe they installed a FUCKING VIRUS SCANNER.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

              Radioactive Aardvark Dung E-Zine :: ISSN 1092-5449
                      Issue #14 % Released March 10, 1997
             RAD E-Zine :: PO Box 584 :: Crown Point, IN :: 46307
        Get Past & Future Issues From :: ftp://ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad
              WWW Site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad
         Send Us Your Comments & Submissions! :: jwapienn@pla-net.net
              Special Updates % "subscribe rad" In Message Body
                  ATTN SysOps :: Be Sure To Read DISTRO.APP

    Without Prejudice and Explicit Reservation of All My Rights, UCC 1-207
          (C) 1997 Aardvark Industries <aardvark@taxicab.samurai.com>
             Alright, so aardvark@zine.com is broken and this is the
               best I could do on short notice.  So sue me, okay?

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