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  Bootleg Radioactive Aardvark Dung % Issue #2 % Released January 6th, 1997
    Without Prejudice and Explicit Reservation of All My Rights, UCC 1-207
           RAD E-Zine WHQ is Erebus % SysOp :: Hooch @ 201-762-1373
       BRAD is RAD's "special" issue!  Enjoy it, it won't last forever!

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "WARNING: DO NOT READ."
 Written by - Mercuri

 [-----]

        This is a special issue of RAD.  This is NOT RAD #13.  I repeat: This
 is NOT RAD #13.  These are the submissions we got that we didn't like.
 I promptly moved these to c:\rad\failed\ until I had enough to make one big
 bad issue.

        With out further adieu, BRAD #2.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "A Fabulous Trip to the Afterlife"
 Submitted by - Handle

 [-----]

        As you walk through The Valley of the Shadow of Death, you'll know
 where to see all the sights with Silverhawk Tours.  From the firy pits of
 hell to the pearly-white gates of Heaven, you'll see all the sights and
 sounds of the afterlife.

        In the first tour package, entitled "A Day with The Prince of
 Darkness," you'll have a firsthand look at the Devil and how he spends his
 day.  Follow him into the kitchen first thing in the morning, and follow him
 to the toilet after breakfast.

        Our second tour takes you deep into the heart of Hades, where you'll
 be tortured until you pass out.  Get whip marks from Torgus, our offical
 Silverhawk Tours demon!  Beg for water to Cathy, our Silverhawk Tours
 correspondent.

        Our third tour concentrates more on relaxation and less on adventure.
 Our Silverhawk tour bus will take you through the gates of Heaven and
 straight into the lush grove of pools and gardens that make up the bowels of
 heaven.  Rub elbows with all the fancy smancy hot-shots that actually made
 it into heaven.

        Our third tour will start in Dallas, Texas, where you will be placed
 inside the body of JFK.  Feel the sting of Oswald's bullets as they pierce
 your skull and cause your brains to spill on the upholstery.  Next, feel the
 disorientation as you are judged by the almighty himself.  Finally, our tour
 winds down on Wednesday where you get the basic tour of Hell for conspiring
 with aliens.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: It just didn't feel right.  It was an uncomfortable sort
     of article.  Odd!  Way-to-go, Handle.  You MORON.  I bet God isn't too
     happy with you, SINNER.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis uncomfortably.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Alfred Plays the Blues"
 Submitted by - Big Daddy phorce-a-Bucks

 [-----]

        Alfred walked down the street, carrying with him his new harmonica.

        "I got me the blue-oo-oos, I got the blues real bad," he sang to
 himself.  Alfred was excited; this was his first harmonica.  In fact, this
 was his first musical instrument, and Alfred was convinced that his hidden
 musical talent would be revealed to the world once he mastered the
 harmonica.
 
        "Ain't got me no supper ... ain't got me no shoes," he sang.  Alfred
 had been boning up on some blues music, and had got some of the lyrics down.
 He even wrote blues lyrics on his (blue and suede, even) shoes.

        Carrying his blue and white copy of _Master Your Harmonica_ From Mel-
 Bay, Incorporated, he sat down at a nearby bench and propped the book open
 on his knees.

        "Mmm, mmm.  Gonna play me some blues tonight, honey!" said Alfred to
 himself as he leafed through the manual.  Turning past the introduction and
 the informational diagrams, he unwrapped his harmonica, put it to his lips,
 and blew into it.

        "Ouch!" it said, in a deep, bluesy kind of voice.  "Don't blow so
 hard, man."

        "Huh?" cried Alfred.  It spoke!  His harmonica spoke!  A talking
 harmonica!  The ramifacations boggled Alfred's mind.  Would it teach him the
 great art of blues playing?  Maybe it was a country harmonica.  Maybe it was
 a beneficial alien, put on this earth to help Alfred learn to play the
 blues!  Maybe it was his guardian angel, personified in an instrumental
 form!

        Alfred could see it now; a boy and his harmonica, touring across
 America, enchanting his listeners with the music they played.  He'd become
 the next ... umm ... big blues player!  He'd play at the "House of Blues!"
 Excitement ran through Alfred's blood as he summoned the confidence to speak
 to the harmonica.

        "Who ... are you?"

        "I'm a harmonica, man."

        He'd be the coolest!  Wait until his friends learned he had a talking
 harmonica!  He was sure that no one else had something like *this* to speak
 of!  A boy and his talking harmonica, pouring out their sweet music to the
 Universe!

        "Will you ... " Alfred's voice faltered.  "Will you ... teach me to
 play?  Will we tour America, playing together our sweet blues music?"

        "What?"

        "Will you teach me how to play?  Will we become the only harmonica-
 and-player blues act on this sweet Earth?"

        "What are you talking about, man?"

        "I can't believe it!  I'm going to become rich and famous with you,
 the only talking harmonica on the planet!"

        "Listen up, man.  Look around you.  You're crazy, man."

        Alfred didn't understand at first, but he looked around him, as the
 harmonica had told him to.  Quickly, his dreams of touring the country with
 his amazing talking harmonica disappeared.  His was not unique.  He was not
 special.

        Everyone around him owned their own talking harmonica.  They, too,
 like Alfred, all seemed to be trying to learn the blues.  All of them, like
 Alfred, were wearing various blues-player apparel and singing the blues to
 themselves.  Some were much better than Alfred; some were worse.  All were
 sitting on similar benches, like Alfred.  The greatest players were also
 sitting around, playing their amazing music and talking to their harmonicas.
 Some of these players had even taken to forming small and large harmonica
 ensembles in which to exhibit their work to others.

        "You see, man?  You're not special, or unique.  You can't even play
 the blues yet, man."

        Alfred was crestfallen.  He was not the greatest blues player in the
 world.

        "Oh, shit."  Alfred threw the harmonica in a nearby harmonica recep-
 tacle as he went home to think of another easy route to fame.

        The moral of this story: you may think you're "the shit" because you
 have your own e-zine, but you're *not*.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: This sucked.  What the HELL is this, a metaphor for life?

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, thoughtfully.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "The Nefarious adventures of Brad. K. Rad"
 "Part I: Redhead Trolls"
 Submitted by - Mel Farr Suppastar
 Not edited by - phorce

 [-----]

       Once upon a time there was this guy, Brad K. Rad, he was no normal guy,
 he was an intelligent, black, woman. Well he wasn't black or a woman, and he
 wasn't too intelligent and this joke is old and...well he was a normal kid.
 He had a dad and mom who were divorced and a little sister who always wanted
 to play computer (his sister knew unix like the girl in jurassic park). Well
 one day for his birthday Bradley (as his posse called him, oh did i mention
 he's a gang leader?) got a present from his dad (a bravarian model). it was a
 modem. Brad didn't know what to do with it. well one day he was talking to
 his friends at school about what he could do with it (he did know how to surf
 the information superhighway for WaReZ like all his friends did, (they all
 had AOL too) but he was getting board with that).
         At that point, Tupac, the school computer nerd said "Hey man, i heard
 you had a modem and didn't know what to do with it".
         "well i go on AOL and download porno pictures but thats getting
 boring"
         "Hmm," thought Tupac. He wasn't sure if he could tell Brad his secret.
 He decided it was worth it "Hey Brad, listen i'll give you this thing called
 Qmodem pro and you can use it to call these things called bulletin boards.
 You can call mine"
         "wow, sounds cool" said Brad.
         "yeah, call me tonight voice and i'll explain everything".
         "Hey, ok. 654-4566, right"
         "Yeppers" said Tupac hoping he could get Brad to start talking elite.
         Well anyway Brad called Tupac and they set everything up. Tupac
 happened to run a k-rad board called "Rokushima" and he told Brad to call.
 Brad called and immediately he was hooked. Well first he had to make an
 account. Tupac typed the NUP in "NEGRO" (he he, i said negro!) and Brad made
 an account. He couldn't choose a handle though. He tried Zero Cool cause he
 saw that guy on hackers but someone already made an account. He tried
 Notorious Lamer but Tupac said it wasn't "l33t" enough. He tried Handle but
 he realized the "e" key on his keyboard didn't work. He tried "Mel Farr
 Suppastar" but the system hung up on him. He called back and tried Mercuri
 and his computer blew up. (his sister put it back together with a mixture of
 cum, pancakes, milk, and new issues of rad). He called back and decided maybe
 just use his name "Brad K. Rad" so he did and ten Tupac filled in the ripped
 infoform. They chatted for a bit and then Tupac let Brad K. Rad loose.
         Suddenly a sexpot struck Brad's computer making his modem disconnect.
 And then the lord opened up the sky and spoke to Brad.
         Asked Brad "God, are you there, it's me Margaret"
         "Fuck God, he's retired. i'm Rodney his son."
       "God has a son other than Jesus??" asked Brad.
       "well yeah, he has 2 other than Jesus actually but thats another story"
 said Rod "anyway the bbs scene which you have just expirienced sucks. it is
 being infested by crap like umm..yea...and the sysops are drunk and....yea.
 it is your destiny to save the bbs scene"
         "But i'm nobody" said Brad "i'm just Brad K. Rad"
         "Yes" said Rod "You certainly are K. Rad.
       "This story sucks" said Brads sister "i wanna read some other part. Like
 how to be a UNiX HaQ-r. Mel you suck"
         "Fuck you" said Mel Farr Suppastar.
       "fuck this" said Mercuri "We've only had random people come into a
 story in rad like a million other times before. do something original"
       "Fuck you" said mel "i'll do what i want. cause i'm Satan"
       Back to Brad: "But..umm..Rod. how am i going to save the umm..bbs
 scene."
         "Glad you asked" said Rod. and just as Hugo had Rubrick, and Kid
 Labtop had Labtop, Rod bestowed on Brad K. Rad the dice of fate.
       "great i got some fucking dice, man fuck this, i just got a modem
 anyway, my parents are getting divorced, 2pac is dead, my grades are slipping
 and on top of that i'm 17 and i haven't had my period yet"
         "Thats another old joke Mel" said Rod "well brad you didn't have your
 period cause you're not a guy. only guys get periods"
         "Thats not what mommy says. mommy says i'm a guy"
         "Yes Bradley, you are a guy but only guys can get periods so you
 can't get one"
         "What if i go on iRC 24/7 and say 'werd/w3rd' a lot" asked brad.
       "well maybe" said Rodimus prime "but what you really need to do is
 learn how to use the dice of feight"
         "oh" said brad "How can i do that? and how come fate is spelled wrong"
         "don't question me,..umm..i'll give you this book..yea". So Rod gave
 Brad the book of the dice of feight. Basically every time Brad felt the need
 to do something he wouyld pick up all the dice and roll them all and add them
 all up. And then he would look at the book and find out what you were
 supposed to do each for each number. Well he always rolled 138 for some
 reason (even though the maximum of the dice was like 56 or something) but
 each time the defintion of 138 changed. Well one time Brad was saving the
 scene on a board called "Osmosis Phaze one" when he rolled the dice and they
 told him to continue the story next issue.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Too bad for words.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, sloppily.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "it keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and going"
 Submitted by - k0de
 Not edited by - Phorce

 [-----]

 There i was, in the middle of a war-torn field, bruised but not beaten.
 i looked around and saw the lifeless bodies of my fellow soldiers.  i thought
 to myself 'Would this war ever end?' Then i heard the yell.  My superior was
 yelling for us to prepare ourselves.  Off in the distance i could hear that
 patented BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.  God... that thing bust have been in Nam and
 *that* is why all those poor vet's have flashbacks.  The BOOM BOOM BOOM
 BOOM was drilling into my head.  As i pulled up my rifle i could see the
 enemy in the distance.  There it was, all pink and clean.  Wearing those sun-
 glasses like a cocky son of a bitch.  i aimed for the source of that dreadful
 BOOM BOOMing.  i pulled the trigger and watched.  THE BULLET BOUNCED OFF?$!@#
 i pulled the trigger again.  Nothing.  My gun was jammed.  That damn bunny
 was getting closer.  i searched through my field kit and found my remaining
 hand grenade.  i ripped the pin out and tossed it in the air.  The grenade
 bounced off that big bass drum of his and hit one of my fellow soldiers.
 BOOOOOM! he was gone.  i figured if i ever got out of this i'd better send
 his charred boots home to the man's wife and kids.  Then it hit me like a
 ton of bricks!  i ran over to little drummer boy and ripped off his drum.
 i then removed the clothes from the dead soldier lying in front of him.
   
   BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
 
   "i dont think he'll be needing these..." i reassured myself.
 
 i collected all of the unused explosives from the dead soldiers lying about.
 i then connected them all together and dressed the explosives with the dead
 soldier's clothes.  i had watched too much Tom and Jerry as a kid.  i ripped
 the strap off my now empty canteen and attached the drum to the dummy.  i then
 ran a wire from the dummy to a bunker where i crouched and waited with my
 detonator.  i figured whistling would bring a faster responce.
 
   BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
 
   "YOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO... Mr. Buuuuunny!!"
 
 The banging stopped.  The bunny twisted his mechanical head in the direction
 of the dummy and began to walk towards it.  i felt the chill of success
 coarsing through my veins.  i had finally-
 
   BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
 
 The buddy got to the dummy and started to examine it.  He jibbered something
 to it in his rodent tongue.  i put my finger on the detonator.  He moved in
 closer for a better look.
 
   BaAaaaaAaAAaAAAAAAaaM!@#
 
 No more bunny.  it was finally over.  i could go home, to my native soil, and
 see my family.  Who knows, i might even get a medal or something.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: k0de is only a good writer _sometimes_.  He'll back me up
     on it, too!

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis at least twice.
 
 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "pain is only true through you"
 Submitted by - crank (okay, bF wrote it)

 [-----]

        she sat on the cold linoleum floor & thought.  silent.  he made 
 himself a ham sandwich.  white bread.  mustard.  cold, thoughtless luncheon
 meat.  they didn't say a word to each other.  he whistled.  yankee.  doodle.
 dandy.  he stood on the kitchen table with his pants down, playing with his
 weiner, not caring enough for her.  she could feel his insecurity, his
 indegestion, his imagination, his infatuation.  she knew what had to be 
 done.
        
        she thought, almost as if to think, & threw a hard-boiled egg at him
 as to tell him how she felt without the words that hurt both of them so
 much.

        "what the fuck did you do that for?"

        she knew he wouldn't understand.  he never did.  he never cared
 enough to understand.

        " ... bitch."

        she poured herself a glass of orange juice.  the pulp settled at the
 bottom as if it was a metaphor for her existence.  it made perfect sense.
 she stared at her reflection in the glass, stopping only to take a sip of
 juice.  a symbolic sip.  she was drinking from the orange juice of her life.  
 cold.  homestyle.  not from concentrate.  she cried while he continued to
 fiddle with his weiner, unaware of her, unaware of the orange juice. she 
 cried some more, stopping only to put the glass in the dishwasher.  sleek.
 black.  convienent.  compact.  kenmore.

        she stared at her reflection in the dishwasher & thought of desi
 arnez.

        "honey, i'm hoooome!"

        adjective.  adjective.  adjective.

        the boy tucked his weiner back into his pants & leaped off of the
 kitchen table.  finally, they embraced.  she shed a tear as she felt his
 soft lips touch hers.  fork.  lemons.  big tits.

        "you taste like orange juice."

        he was so insensitive.  uncaring.  she thought about the orange juice
 once more & cried.

        "you cry too much."

        bonzai.  courtney love.  squash.

        the great pumpkin, indeed, charlie brown.

        encyclopedia brown does it again.
        
        preponderance.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Sucked.  You have to read an issue of DTO to understand
    it, and we don't like directly inflicting that much pain on our readers.

 *** phorce's note: this article.  sucked.  the penis of clinton.  macaroni.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "its not everyday you see a monkey son, take some pictures."
 Submitted by - hal08

 [-----]

      You see, Danny wasnt much of a kid, lived on the farm back home, mostly
 got to feed pigs and such.  Living with 6 other siblings, he had no traits
 that made him stand out, except, of course, for his love of animals.
 
      "Yeah, Daddy, you're the greatest, I love you!"
 
      Yeah, Danny sure did love his animals.  In fact, when they got home, he
 was introduced to a new addition to the family.

      "See, son, you just blow in this tube, and ... wallah!"
 
      "Thanks, Dad!"
 
      Soon, Billy was old enough to realize what to do with this pool toy that
 looked like a "lady" with an odd-shaped mouth.

 *** [phorce: Billy?  Who's Billy?]

      "ungh uh uh"
 
      Yeah, danny had fun with Chelsea, as he now named her.  They had many a
 lonely night together.  Living with 5 other kids was rough on Danny.  He
 always felt cheated. 

      "Mom and Dad don't care about me at all."
 
      He'd think to himself while sitting on the bed, invisioning a perfect
 world.  A world where him and his Dad just kept visiting the zoo.  He
 couldn't seem to get that one happy moment out of his head.
 
     "You know what ... you're my only friend."
 
      Soon, after giving up trying to get attention from his siblings and his
 parents, he started talking to the blow-up doll.
 
     "So, you want to give me head tonight, or are you just going to sit
 there?  TEE HEE, I crack myself up."
 
      One day, he was sitting in his room, having sex with Chelsea, as usual;
 his parents heard him yelping but they didnt give a fuck -- after all, they
 did buy him the doll to keep him ocupied while they ignored him.
 
      "ungh uh uh"
 
      "Fuck me Danny, harder, harder!"
 
      Danny kept going for a couple seconds 'till he pulled out, and ...
 
      "WHAT THE FUCK!#?@"
 
      "What's wrong, Danny?"
 
      "CHELSEA YOU TALK?!@?"
 
      And talk she did.  Not only could she talk ... but she wouldn't shut up,
 and now took a somewhat blow-up doll/human form.  She could also now move@!@!
 
      "I have so much to tell you, Chelsea, you dont know how I've longed for
 a companion."
 
      They became the best of friends, and Danny fed her, kept her satisfied
 with sex, and told Chelsea stories about life.  He even read her the
 newspapers so she knew about today's life.  Eventually, Danny's mother caught
 on that danny was taking extra helpings.
 
      "Son, if your going to support that woman, you do it somewhere else;
 otherwise, she's gone."
 
      Danny was crushed!
 
      "Mom, you dont understand, i LOVE HER.  YOU FUCKiNG BiTCH, YOU NEVER
 CARED FOR ME LiKE SHE DiD.  iM LEAViNG, FUCK YOU AND FUCK DAD TOO.  TAKE YOUR
 FUCKiNG ZOO AND SHOVE iT UP YOUR ASS."
 
      Well, Mom didnt really care, as long as Danny left.  And, well, Danny
 did leave.  Chelsea and he were off to find a life for themselves.
 
      "Honey, when can you feed me?"
 
      Danny didnt know what to do; he didnt have a job, and he wasn't old
 enough to collect unemployment.  Things just weren't the same between him and
 Chelsea.  They began to fight.  So Danny said they'd give it another chance.
 
      "Honey, do you love me?"
 
      "You're a fucking slut; you fucked me before you learned to talk.  Why
 should I bother to talk to you?"
 
      "Oh yeah, you're one hot number; you fuck like dead animal."

      "You're looking for it now, bitch."
 
      "Yeah, the only thing I'm looking for is your penis; it's so goddamned
 small, you need to be a surgeon to insert it into my hole!"
 
      "Yeah, we shall see who's going to laugh last."
 
      Soon he went out, and he had an idea.  Danny would go see if he could
 sell Chelsea, pocket the money, and go home to his stupid house where he
 wasn't getting atention, but he was getting food.  Well, yes, he did sell
 him; some Bill dude in a suit bought him.  I heard he's President now.
 
      HA HA.. WASNT THAT A FUNNY PUN.   !@#$!##@@!$!^&$

 *** [phorce: pun?  where?]

      I guess chelsea got the last laugh -- or was it me?
 
 Moral: Dont complain about what you have, because if you own a computer right
 now, you're better off than that dude that doesn't own two different shirts.
 Another point to be made is that getting a blow up doll will make you rich.
 
 Also, don't trust a guy named Bill with a suit.

 And I guess that if you liked monkeys as a kid you're a fucked up individual.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: This is one of those stories you read and you just have
     to smile politely.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis for way too long.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "don't read this, it's bad.  there's a reason why it wasn't in RAD."
 Submitted by - hal08
 Title by - Mercuri and phorce

 [-----]

 chiqz: hey hal08, can we have your baby?

 me: yeah.

 chiqz: wait nevermind, id rather be your friend

        See, im great, i get chicks, well some what.  As soon as i say that
 _i like you_ to them, they reply in sheer wittyness,
        
 "erik, your really cute, and your really sweet, i dont want to ruin what we
 got going on now."

        Whats up with that yoe#!?@!?!@  Goldy the pimp daddy would say, 
 friends my ass, soon as you pay that thirty yew owe me slut!@?  But im 
 not goldy the pimp daddy.  Or maybe if i was some sort of movie star i 
 would just explain that she wont be in my next all star action movie that
 was exactly like the last one i made.

        but guess what

        im not that either.

        Would i be some kind of a jerk to say "lets not start talking if
 your just looking for a friend."  its not like i hate having friends, if
 you ever was good friends with a girl that you were extremely atracted to
 you may know how i feel.

 chiqz: see, isnt it better were friends, we never have to break up, we dont
        have to be aukward about things.  See friends can do much more than 
        a g/f can.
        
 jesus type guy: you see, if only you rejected sex and praised the lord, 
                 this would be of utter importance!  The lord never rejcets!@ 

 me: er... uhh.. shut up.  

 chiqz: understand?

 jesus guy: well answer the girl!

 [-----]

        Now, the lord would be great, but i want to have sex, alot.  Some
 where out there, as fivel the mouse said, i guess theres someone that wants
 more than a friend.  Maybe there just confused like me.  Girls are just so
 wacky its repulsive.  Or maybe if i looked out the window and sang like that
 piece of shit mouse, id find love.  Whats up with that fuckers hat anyways?

        "shut the fuck up, i like my hat"

        Well i just turned 16 and i've been so busy working i didnt even 
 realize it was my birthday till my mother wished me a happy one.  i could
 say life sucks, but you know it does... your not stupid.  i know im wrong
 but when your sitting on the job with nothing to do, your mind wanders.  
 When all you have is time to think, you cant help but ask yourself questions
 that have easy answers, but the answers you have are wrong because you hope
 they are.  As i think, i just use up the time left to think.

 game show host:  For 500 dollars, will you go on life seeking a girl to love
                  you, or even like you for that matter, or will they all just
                  be your friend?

        Who am i kidding, i know that ill find someone someday, but you gotta
 look on the bad side of things.  Can't sit there all day thinking about the
 good side of things.  Cant live your life on wishes is what i always say, but
 you can live your life on fishes.

        "stick to veggies, they clean out your system better"

        i guess that small shimmer of hope is all any one of us has.  As much
 i thaught the olympics suck, they have a pretty good concept with that torch
 of theres.  When it goes on, it signifys the begining.  That first arrow is
 like your first dream, your first goal.  Now when that flame goes out, so 
 does the game end.  if you dont have that hope i guess, the games over.

        "i hope you shut your fucking mouth"

        Ok.

 chiqz:  one of us is waiting?!@!?@?!

 me: ggrrr!??@! you probably live in rhode island.  rhode island sucks, 
 i dont even think its a fucking island!?@#

 newscaster:  uhh, guess what everyone.. apocylypse is like now, so your all
              in somewhat a predicement.  Will the last people on earth please
              shut out the light

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: *shudder*

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis and liked it.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 the heckle and jeckle cronicle!
 -well cronicles.. but it dont ryme!@!@?-

 Submitted by - hal08
 Not edited by - phorce

 [-----]

        One day heckle turned to jeckle and said,

 "b00"

        jeckle fell right off his pearch and said, fuck you, but it was
 bleeted out cause of the child like nature of the show.  Being crows they
 pretty much hated things.  Heckle always wished he was white, cause hes a
 racist bastard, and jeckle enjoys being black cause hes a gothic bastard.

 "we shore are bastards"

 little timmy at home: mother your a bastard.
 mother turning to father: WHERE DO THEY GET iT FROM?@!#?@!
 father burping from alcohol: SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN!
 little timmy turning to tv: YES YOU ARE!

        jeckle said to heckle one day, "why dont we purchase some lemonade
 mix, make a pitcher, and sell it for alot of money?"  Heckle then replied,
 with a worm hanging from his mouth, "why dont you shut your god damn mout."

 little chelsea in the white house: DAD YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAM MOUT!
 mr. rogers the secret service d00d: ONE MORE WORD AND BANG!
 socks: MEOW
 that fat guy that got shot in the regan administration: YOUR DEAD KAT!@?
 (gunfire goes here)
 little chelsea again: You guys shore are bastards
 the president hillary clinton: WHERE DOES SHE PiCK THiS UP

        jeckle then replied to heckles reply with this statement, "seriously
 though heckle!" heckle and jeckle couldnt agree so they gave it up.  Jeckle
 then said, "how about ice tea?"  

 "i like iced tea, its like tea, but cold!"

 "sweetend or non-sweetend?"

 "sweetend of course, you want to buy shugah too!@?##!"

        jeckle and heckle didnt have any money... so heckle suggested that 
 they nock off a gas station.  Jeckle said it sounded reasonable, especially
 after all the money they will get from selling that iced tea!

        While planning for the heist they carefully survied there nest for
 things they might need in there caper.  Scanning long and hard jeckle saw a 
 SAWED OFF SHOTGUN! "hECKLE LOOK@!?@!"  Heckle surveyed his mind really fast,
 his head works like clockwork, and being a cartoon you saw all the neat 
 little gears rotating.  Then a lightbulb apeared over his head and he said,

 "heckle and jeckle dont need firearms, were heckle and jeckle"

        So jeckle.. suprised cause they are only birds, i mean, nocking off
 a gas station with just beaks is pretty ubserd.  WACKY WACKY WACKY, iT HiT
 HiM LiKE A TUN OF TABACKY.  "HECKLE, he exclaimed, DYNO-MiTE!"

        heckle, while screwing a robin, "SHUT UP YOU STUPiD FUCK iLL JUST 
 ROB THE PLACE BY MYSELF!"

 little timmy again, this time with two power rangers: SHUT UP YOU STUPiD 
 FUCK, THE WHiTE RANGER SUCKS!?@
 mr a lush, the white trash can man/father: SHUT THE FUCK UP SON
 caring mother thats as dumb as a board: can we just talk about this, please
 no yelling.

        "ok jeckle im going to get the fucking gun now!"

 mrs mother of timmy: SO THATS WHERE YOURE GETTiNG iT FROM!
 father, no witty names this time: YEAH.  iTS THE FUCKiNG TV!
 mrs mother again: no more for you timmy!
 timmy pulling out a sawed of shotgun: YOU ARE A BASTARD MOM AND DAD,
 SHUT YOUR FUCKiN MOUT!

        "freeze, give me all your god damn money, MOTHERBiTCH!"

 timmy, while loosing a tooth: OK MOM GiVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY
 mom: son do you really want to do this
 father: GiVE ME THE FUCKiNG GU<boom> FUCK!@?>
 mom: AAA YOU KiLLED YOUR FATHER.. YOU LiTTLE FU<boom> AKAKD?@! blugh

        "HAHA POOPED, YES POOPED A CAP iN YO ASS@!"

        jeckle turns to heckle, "must you be so violent, stupid bastard."
 HAW HAW said heckle as he blew his brother away.

 heckle while screwing a blue jay: YOU SEE, FUCK EVERYONE AND YOULL WiN!

 little timmy smiling: YEAH, STUPiD BASTARD!
 bill on penn. ave: THOSE GUYZ CRAX ME UPZ@?! VOTE FOR MY WAREZ iN `96

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Schitzo?

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, but couldn't
     provide good evidence why it was every there sucking Clinton's penis
     in the first place.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "trick or treat, smell my feet ..."
 Submitted by - k0de

 [-----]

        halloween season of 1996 rolled around.  the leaves were falling all
 about, and happy-looking demons and skeletons were perched in the front
 windows of the houses.  meanwhile, down in the underworld, satan was running
 low on supplies.

 *ding dong* (a traditional doorbell ring)

 (a lady comes to the door)

  lady: "oh wow! that's a fantastic costume! are you supposed to be the
        devil?"
 satan: "i AM the devil ..."
  lady: (chuckle) "is that you, tommy johnson?!"
 satan: "no.  i told you, satan ... you know, beelzebub, the prince of
         darkness, mephistopheles ..."
  lady: (pulling at satan's horns) "oh, take that mask off, tommy johnson!!"
 satan: "look, woman, it's not a mask."
  lady: "oh, i give up.  here, i have snickers, kit kats, and smarties."
 satan: "how about your soul?"
  lady: "my, tommy johnson, you sure are playing the part!"
 satan: (grabs a kit kat and walks away, mumbling to himself)

 *ding dong* (a traditional doorbell ring)

 (a minister answers the door)

 minister: (chuckle) "lovely costume ... i'd better see you in church this
           weekend!"
    satan: "yeah, whatever ..."
 minister: "well, i've got skittles, communion wafers, kit kats, and spree."
    satan: "can i pick two?"
 minister: "well, i suppose ..."
    satan: "goodie!  i'll take a kit kat... and... how about... your soul?"
 minister: "what?!  i'm gonna pray for you, little boy!"
    satan: "does this mean no soul?"
 minister: "no!"
    satan: "darnit!"
 minister: (grabs a kit kat and shuts the door)
 
 *ding dong* (a delicious hostess snack cake)

 (a teenager wearing a cannibal corpse t-shirt answers the door)

  teen: "whoa ... hardcore!"
 satan: "yeah ... uh ..."
  teen: "want some candy, dude?"
 satan: "what do you have?"
  teen: "milky way, popcorn balls, mike and ikes, kit kats, and life savers."
 satan: "can i have your soul?"
  teen: "yep."
 satan: (hands the boy a contract to sign in blood releasing the rights to
        his soul)
  teen: *signs* "there ya go ... happy halloween!"
 satan: "can i have a kit kat?"
  teen: "no!  one treat per trick-or-treater, bud!"
 satan: "what?!"
  teen: "you heard me!"

        satan then releases all the dark forces from the underworld and
 destroys the world.  little did satan know, this act made it impossible to
 obtain what he wanted, a kit kat ...

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: It had potential, but Halloween is already past.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis like the tired
     play about Satan that it was.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "The Lame Things Jubjub Does"
 Submitted By - Nybar

 [-----]

 20. He goes on shady IRC channels w/ the name "BiGTits" and laughs at
     cybersex.
 19. He watches infomercials till 3:00am, and then wakes me up and rants and
     raves about them.
 18. He buys so much cheese at the grocery store it makes you want to vomit.
     (70 dollars for 20 hunks of "Port Salute")
 17. He pretends he is the one who trademarked JoltCola <tm ... NOT BY HIM!>
 16. He writes stories that really happened to him and submit them to zines.
 15. He writes stories about things that really happened to ME and submit them
     to zines.
 14. He plugs Black 47 <who are the best by the way> whenever he can.
 13. He does the PP dance.
 12. He actually manages to EAT all of the cheese before mentioned.
 11. He gives me conspiracy theories.
 10. He gets mad if I laugh at his theories.
  9. He gets mad that I get mad that he laughs at MY conspiracy theories!
  8. He <UH OH!!> tortures the cats.
  7. He teases me for my obsession at cats, ducks and cows.
  6. He teases me for my shrine made of mashed potatoes to cats, ducks and
     cows.
  5. He wrote that (unsubmitted) zine entry about how i said to him "CRAZIER
     THAN THOU!!" (5 pages long ... MEIN GOTT!!!!!)
  4. He did his broadway act ... (that actually warranted me saying to him,
     "Pretttyyy lame Chris")
  3. He spurned my getting a gun ... drinking lots of coffee and saying,
     "Chris.. time to do our William Tell act."
  2. He jumped out of the window as a suicide attempt and managed to land
     on me.
  1. All of the above <what else?>

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: JubJub *IS* lame.  I don't know why I never accepted
     this.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, but was the
     only one that made Clinton laugh at the same time.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Nigel's Revenge"
 Submitted By - Mel Far Suppastar

 [-----]

      Johnny and Bizzie were walking home from school.  Johnny always walked
 home from school, and sometimes Bizzie (his real name was Laurence) followed
 him, hoping to learn from Johnny's coolness.  Well, Johnny wasn't very cool.
 In fact, he was basically an asshole who rebeled in every way he could.  But
 Bizzie thought he was the best, because Johnnie got all the 7th grade
 honeys.

      On their way home Johnny, usually stopped at the park for a smoke.
 Well, today was no diffrent.  Or was it?  To answer the question just posed:
 yes, it was diffrent.  Because this time Johnny had weed -- you know, grass,
 dope, marijuana.  How did Johnny get such an illegial substance?  To answer
 the question just posed: from a dealer in "HiGH school."  "HiGH" school was a
 warez-couriering group.  Umm, yeah.  Well, anyway, Johnny had marijuana.

       "Is that marijuana, Johnny?" said Bizzie.

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: MUST I EXPLAIN *EVERY* LITTLE FLAW TO YOU?

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, but confused
     Clinton greatly.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "Schtroumpf's IRC Tales #1"
 Submitted by - Schtroumpf

 [-----]

        I was recently on the IRC, when I joined the channel "#communism"
 for no apparent reason.  In there was a person with the nick "mbt", who
 later revealed to be none other than Stalin himself!  Not only is the
 former Russian ruler still alive, but he is currently running the secret
 Russian underground mafia!

 [-----]

   Session Start: Thu Dec 05 02:18:24 1996
   *** Now talking in #communism
   <sctroumpf> hello
   <sctroumpf> are you a dirty red communist?
   <mbt> hi
   <mbt> whats that?
   <sctroumpf> a dirty red communist?  you do not know?
   <mbt> sorry
   <mbt> nope i don't
   <sctroumpf> then why are you in #communism?
   <mbt> unless you mean a Stalin ideaology communist who hasn't taken
   a bath :-)
   <mbt> hehehehe is you aren't a supporter of some of the principles
   underlying communism then get out of here..w
   <sctroumpf> oh, so you know who stalin was, huh?
   <mbt> i'm not here to pick a fight
   <sctroumpf> or should i say, iS!
   <sctroumpf> are you stalin?
   <mbt> no i am Lenin and Trotsky
   <mbt> Stalin was a murderer
   <sctroumpf> you are two people?
   <mbt> same for MAo
   <sctroumpf> multiple personalities... you must be stalin
   <mbt> i believe in Lenin and Trotsky
   <mbt> but i hate Mao and Stalin
   <mbt> and i'm not too keen on Marx either
   <mbt> and i hate the military dictatorships who are confused for
   cosialist also
   <sctroumpf> ah hah, you like russian rulers, but not others!
   <mbt> and the Soviet Union never became the soviet socialist republic
   because a minority capitalist s society controlled everrything
   <sctroumpf> sounds like you're from georgia, just like stalin!
   <sctroumpf> what a coincidence!
   <mbt> oh please..i hatre Stalin
   <sctroumpf> you hatre him?
   <mbt> Stalin was a dictator ..he wasn't a socialist..nnor did he
   adhere to pure communism
   <sctroumpf> is that russian?
   <sctroumpf> you can't spell english properly... a sign russian is
   your first language!
   <sctroumpf> admit it!  you run the kgb
   <sctroumpf> you are responsible for the millions of plebeians
   slaughtered and sent to prison camps in siberia!
   <sctroumpf> i've found your secret, stalin!
   <sctroumpf> some "man of steel" you are!
   <sctroumpf> c'mon, admit it.
   <sctroumpf> admit it, you red scum!
   <sctroumpf> you want to be just like the americans, don't you?
   <sctroumpf> that's why you became capitalistic...
   <mbt> i am sorry my friend, i believe in democracy
   <mbt> i believe in democracy as socialist, socialist democracy
   <mbt> but i like all communists hate cpapitalism
   <sctroumpf> i bet it's all a scam... i bet russia is really still
   a communist state, under a capital lie!
   <mbt> i bwelieve that private owners should be able to own things and
   not just the government
   <mbt> yeah russia is worse now because its more capitalist and run by
   an elite mafia yes
   <sctroumpf> don't try to cover your tracks, stalin!  step up and face
   the punishment for your crimes against humanity!
   <mbt> underworld elite mafia
   <mbt> more dangerous now
   <mbt> for russian
   <sctroumpf> ah hah!  you, stalin, still alive, run the russian mafia!
   <mbt> come on i already told you i hate Stalin
   <sctroumpf> and you use the irc as your media of communication!
   <sctroumpf> ah hah!  what is it, the red army?  tell the public,
   murderer!
   *** mbt sets mode: +b sctroumpf!*smurf@vcr-modem-48.ultranet.ca
   <sctroumpf> stop abusing your power, stalin!
   <sctroumpf> face the public that shall hunt you down and beat you
   like the red scum that you are!
   *** You were kicked by mbt (mbt)
   *** Attempting to rejoin...
   Session Close: Thu Dec 05 02:30:15 1996

 [-----]

   Session Start: Thu Dec 05 03:31:43 1996
   *** Now talking in #communism
   <di__> The indonesian government openly turns a blind eye to opium
   because it silences their youth.
   <sctroumpf> hello.
   <di__> i am a left-maoist because i believe the most important fight
   is anti-imperialists
   <mbt> that is sickening
   <sctroumpf> di, are you in the russian mafia?
   <mbt> yes it is important
   <di__> i am not in a party
   <di__> What about the mafia?
   <sctroumpf> di/ did you know mbt is in the russian mafia?
   <mbt> the mafia is also capitalist
   <mbt> they are in it for the money surely
   <mbt> its just a violent corporation
   <sctroumpf> di/ mbt is stalin... multiple personalities..
   <di__> how do you know he is?
   <sctroumpf> di/ shh.. don't piss him off!
   <mbt> my adopted grandfather was a mafia member.
   <di__> i do not think Stalin was all bad.
   <sctroumpf> di/ he said he was two people at the same time!
   <sctroumpf> mbt/ AHA!
   <sctroumpf> mbt/ we've got you, stalin!
   <mbt> he was in the italian mafia of al capone in the chicago of the
   early 20th century.
   <sctroumpf> mbt/ capone helped you get into america, didn't he?
   <sctroumpf> mbt/ i know it's you.  give it up.
   <di__> The mafia can help arm communists.
   <sctroumpf> why can't i join #mafia?  cause mbt's got it!
   <mbt> he was a mercenary basically
   <sctroumpf> di/ watch what you say around mbt!  if you're the first
   to stop clapping.. BAM!  you're gone!
   <sctroumpf> di/ you see, he can't run russia anymore, so he runs the
   red army, the russian mafia...
   <di__> i like the red army.
   <sctroumpf> di/ all those poor business workers in cities like
   seattle being harassed.. it's all because of him!
   <di__> sctro:i am confused.
   <sctroumpf> di/ you like the red army?  AHA!  you're a communist,
   too!
   <sctroumpf> both of you!  admit your conspiracy!
   <di__> i am a communist
   <sctroumpf> i knew it!
   <sctroumpf> di/ do you wash yourself regularly?
   <di__> sctroumpf: Are you a lunatic?
   <di__> Of course i wash.
   <sctroumpf> so, di, tell me what it's like to be a part of lenin's
   dream?
   <mbt> this guy was here earlier
   <mbt> im going to iop you and you can ba nm him
   <sctroumpf> di/ why would you wash?  what kind of a communist are
   you?!?
   *** mbt sets mode: +o di__
   <sctroumpf> di/ see, he abuses his powers
   <sctroumpf> di/ just like stalin did!
   <di__> it is very fun, exciting and i am happy.
   <sctroumpf> abusers!
   <sctroumpf> banning is not true communism!
   <sctroumpf> face the truth, you dirty commie scum!
   <di__> Stalin was partgood and part bad as Mao said
   <sctroumpf> phear america!
   <di__> You are not making sense to me.
   <sctroumpf> you shall not sneak into our countries anymore!
   <sctroumpf> you shall all rot in your own red hell, you dirty
   bastards!
   <sctroumpf> admit who you are!!  admit you run the russian mafia in
   america!
   *** You were kicked by di__ (di__)
   *** Attempting to rejoin...
   *** Rejoined channel #communism
   <sctroumpf> hah!
   <sctroumpf> you call that true communism? 
   <di__> i'm not russian
   <di__> yes.
   <sctroumpf> that dirty commie lenin would be ashamed of you both!
   <di__> Stop ranting ok?
   <sctroumpf> and marx.. the red lice in his beard would spit at you!
   *** Kythe (whocares@sf1-ppp79.well.com) has joined #communism
   <sctroumpf> i bet you're from the georgian mountains, too!
   <sctroumpf> kythe!  are you a communist?
   *** Kythe (whocares@sf1-ppp79.well.com) has left #communism
   <di__> hi Kythe
   <sctroumpf> you scared him off!  i told you commies to wash more
   often!
   *** di__ sets mode: +b sctroumpf!*smurf@vcr-modem-42.ultranet.ca
   <sctroumpf> you shall fall!
   <sctroumpf> long live america!
   <sctroumpf> face the death of the dirty red bastard commies!
   <sctroumpf> face the end of your false empire!
   <sctroumpf> face the end of communism, scum!
   <di__> That guy is insane
   <sctroumpf> you cannot hide... we will get you all!
   *** You were kicked by di__ (di__)
   *** Attempting to rejoin...
   Session Close: Thu Dec 05 03:44:05 1996

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Huge IRC logs are for lame #ansi e-zines only.  We're
 better than this shit.  Hehehe!  Communism!  Hehehehe!  I THINK I BEAT THAT
 HORSE WELL BEYOND THE DEAD STAGE.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis for a very very
     long time.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "From The Strange Innards of Sublime"
 Submitted by - Sublime

 [-----]

 1: = Thing 1
 2: = Thing 2
 3: = Mr. Man
 
 1: My life sucks, don't deny it...
 2: I don't.
 1: Oh, ok.
 3: Her hair is a different color now...
 1: Yeah, if you tell me you deny it, I'm gonna hurt you.
 2: Oh, really?
 1: Really.
 3: It's no longer red/brown.
 2: So whad'reya'gonna do?
 1: I'm gonna smack you *Smack!*
 3: <deny>
 2: Ow!  Hey!  Biznatch!
 3: Problems?
 1: Yeah, you diserved it *WHACK* *SMACK* *KRAK* *POW* *BAM*
 2: Ow! Spuckin' Ay! *WHACK* *SMACK* *KRAK* *POW* *BAM* *BOOM*
    (Blows off the steam from the gun) That oughtta do it...
 1: Uuuughh... damn you, look, you shot yourself...
 3: Uh.  
 2: I did? (Looks down) Oh, so i did...  isn't that
    b-l-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-d uhhh neat???? Uh... AHHH! OH! DAMN!
 1: Why the hell did you do that?
 2: Uhm, to shut YOU up?
 1: Oh.
 2: Yeah, so shutup.
 1: I will.
 2: Heh, suckafoo...
 1: >mumble...<
 2: Hey! i told you to shutup
 1: >mumble< i did, you fool...
 2: *smack!* SHUTUP!
 3: Must pick one, and only one.  I think the best choice is obvious.  What
    do you think?
 1: Ow... bastard...  (Whips out knife and slices)
 2: Damn fucker don't do that!  (Whips out sword and impales)
 1: WAHARJHKEHBi!  You FOOL!  What are you DOiNG!???
 2: I'm trying to get that damn bullet out...
 1: Oh... fool... you use surgical equipment for that, don'tcha know?
 2: Oh, yeah.  Scalpel...
 1: Check.  (Hands scalpel)
 2: (Makes insicion and rips out intestines)
 1: Oohh, Ahh!  That tickles!  Hhaahah!
 2: Oh, yeah it does, hehe... wooh... there's the gall bladder, there's the
    bile *Squirt* there's the liver *Chomp* there's the stomach *Rip* oh, and
    there's that piece of liver again! *gulp*  Damnit, stay in there...
    eugm...
 1: Uhm... you fool *Clunk* there, that'll shut you up...
 2: *Goes unconscious as does Thing 1*

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Kookoo, kookoo, kookoo.  Geck0?

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, insensically.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "i gotz mad lit skillz"
 Submitted by - by zempf (gldyzempf?)

 [-----]

        Once, there was a golden-haired irc-er named Zempf, so everyone
 started to call him Gldyzempf.  He got sick of idling in #ansi all day, he
 decided to go on a little venture through the forest we all call IRC.  In his
 great adventures, he encountered channels like #teen, and #llamasex.  But
 still, his search continued for a good channel.  Eventually, he came to a
 channel entitled #cabin.  "Hmm," thought Gldyzempf, "This looks pretty good,"
 and so Goldizempf decided to enter #cabin ...

 [-----]

 LOGGiNG #cabin to #cabin.log
 *** Users on #cabin: gldyzempf
 <gldyzempf> hmm ... odd ... nobody's here.
 *** Porridge1 (2cold@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 <gldyzempf> ahh ... hello ...
 <Porridge1> eat me.
 *** Porridge2 (2hot@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 <Porridge2> eat me.
 *** Porridge3 (justright@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 <Porridge3> eat me.
 <gldyzempf> whoah, weird ... uhh, ok, i guess ...
 * gldyzempf eats Porridge1.
 <gldyzempf> holy shit, way too cold ...
 * gldyzempf eats Porridge2.
 <gldyzempf> yuck, too hot ...
 * gldyzempf eats Porridge3.
 <gldyzempf> ahh, just right ...
 *** Signoff - Porridge3 (all gone)
 <gldyzempf> mmMMmmm ... good shit ...
 *** MamaBear (we'regonna@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 *** PapaBear (kickyour@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 *** BabyBear (ass!@149.231.313.37) has joined channel #cabin
 <MamaBear> shit! someone's been eating my porridge!
 <PapaBear> yeah, bitch, mine too...
 <BabyBear> goddammit, mine's all fucking gone!
 <gldyzempf> oops, so sorry about that, i didn't realize it was yours!
 <MamaBear> well, pops, i think it's time to reg-u-late, whaddya think?
 <Papabear> yeah, got that right ...
 *** You have been kicked off channel #cabin by MamaBear (and stay out)
 *** Users on #cabin: gldyzempf @MamaBear @PapaBear @BabyBear
 <gldyzempf> hey, what the hell was that for!? i said i was sorry!
 *** You have been kicked off channel #cabin by PapaBear (don't touch my
 fucking porridge)
 *** Users on #cabin: gldyzempf @MamaBear @PapaBear @BabyBear
 <gldyzempf> stop kicking me, dammit!
 *** Disconnected (K-Lined by BabyBear(ass!@149.231.313.37))

 [-----]

 *** Mercuri's note: Do #ansi people know how to write anything besides IRC
    logs?  Albeit, this is one of the more clever ones I've gotten.

 *** phorce's note: This article sucked Bill Clinton's penis, and logged it.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 Moral: You'd be amazed at how many times Bill Clinton has received oral sex.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

                 Bootleg Radioactive Aardvark Dung % Issue #2
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 ============================================================================
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